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Stephen is annoyed with J.T. for not voting for Douche in order to gain his jury vote and starts plotting with Taj to possibly vote J.T. out if he doesn't win immunity. But he does, nearly losing a spider-shaped obstacle course/puzzle to Erinn, who rallies hard to be kept in the game over Taj. Taj, on the other hand, thinks her alliance is unshakeable. Guess what? It isn't, she's voted out, and very hurt about it. That night, J.T. and Stephen immediately regret their decision when they're stuck with Erinn, who is giddy with shock at still being in the game and annoys them with her chatty ways. The morning, though, Erinn and Stephen agree to take the other should one of them win the final immunity challenge. Then it's time for the boring fallen comrades tribute and the final immunity challenge, which is super lame and won by J.T., who now has to choose between Erinn, who he's sure to beat, and Stephen, who he swore to take to the Final Two. In the end, the fact is that he can't lose to either of them, so he picks Stephen. At the Final Tribal Council, J.T. and Stephen quickly turn on each other, with Debbie asking Stephen if he would have taken J.T. to the Final Two if he had won immunity and Stephen admitting that he probably wouldn't have. J.T. acts all wounded and sad about this, but not as much as Taj, who gives the standard "I'm so hurt" speech. Stephen says he saved Taj when J.T. wanted her gone, and it looks like Stephen and J.T.'s solid game-long friendship is over. Until we go to the live show, where a still-bearded Stephen and a clean-cut and very attractive J.T. seem pretty buddy-buddy. The votes are read, and it's unanimous for J.T. Not much of a surprise there, but then, there weren't many surprises this season so it's fitting.

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Hooray! Only two more hours before this boring, intrigue-free season is over! Except then there's another hour of reunion, but it will be so Douchetastic that I'll probably kill myself and not have to watch it at all. Anyway! Probst kills three minutes recapping the season thus far, then re-introduces us to the Final Four. Erinn says she didn't come out here to gain the respect of her friends and family back home -- she came to win a million dollars, which is even better. Stephen is very impressed with himself for making it this far without having much in the way of physical or outdoor skills. Taj's plan is to stay under the radar and make everyone think she's a nice person, but "if I have to smile in your face and stab you in the back, I'm sorry, that's the name of the game, I'ma do it." Except if it's done to her, in which case she gets all hurt and stuff (spoiler alert!). Last up is J.T., who says he's not a stupid countryboy -- he's a hard worker, a good physical competitor, and he has a great social game. He just pretends to be a stupid countryboy.

And then it's Night 36 at Camp Forza. There is much subdued rejoicing over being the Final Four and Douche being gone. Stephen says they each have a one in four shot at a million dollars. "Say it louder!" Taj says. Stephen starts saying it again, but he isn't any louder so he's interrupted by J.T. Stephen then exchanges the most awkward high-five ever with Taj. J.T. interviews that he kept his promise to Douche and voted for Erinn, and "everything's going as planned." Basically, he gets to take Douche out of the game while looking honest and true in order to win his jury vote. Kind of like what Taj and Erinn did when Sierra was voted out. Stephen says he looked bad in front of the entire jury by betraying Douche, while J.T. came off smelling like a rose. A rose that's been outside for the past thirty-nine days, but a rose nonetheless. J.T. says they don't know who voted for Erinn and who voted for Douche, to which Stephen says, "oh, yeah, right." Stephen interviews that J.T. voted for Douche for both personal and strategic reasons. Now J.T. looks like a loyal ally 'til the end and Stephen looks like a backstabber. Stephen worries that he's going to "come off" as a villain (not sure if he means in front of the jury or if he's worried about getting the evil edit when the show airs, in which case he needn't have feared because Douche took everyone's camera time away so we really don't know much about anyone else and never will). J.T. looks pretty satisfied with himself, and Stephen wonders who the best person to take to the Final Two is.

The morning, J.T. interviews that the Jalapeño 3 are pretty impressed with themselves for making it this far in the game intact. "It's a masterpiece," he says. Again, that speaks more to Tempura being full of morons than anything else, but credit where credit is due, I suppose. J.T. and Erinn go off to get treemail, leaving Stephen and Taj behind to plot. Too bad it's like ten days too late for that. They each wait for the other person to bring up getting rid of J.T. Taj finally does it, saying he's their biggest threat. Stephen agrees sadly. "If J.T. loses immunity dot dot dot," he says, saying the ellipses out loud in order to make it easier for me to transcribe. Thanks, Stephen! "Dot dot dot," Taj repeats. They both wonder if they'd be able to vote J.T. out if it came down to it.

Erinn and J.T. open the treemail and look inside. Hilariously, their cheerful cries of "treemail!" suddenly turn into shock, disappointment, and disgust. Apparently, today's treemail came with a giant spider toy, and no doubt they're all thinking that the gross food challenge is back. They return to camp with it, and Stephen and Taj are about as happy to see the spider (Taj: "what the hell is that?!") as Erinn and J.T. were. Erinn reads the clue, which talks about huge spiders and webs, then interviews that she's surrounded by three closely-bonded Jalapeños, so winning immunity today is a must.

Immunity challenge! The Final Four arrive, and Probst explains the challenge. The contestants will not be eating spiders, but racing through a giant spider-shaped obstacle course, making their way through net tunnels that make up the spider's eight legs to three stations with puzzle piece bags. Once all three bags have been retrieved, they must put together a spider web puzzle. The race begins. J.T. takes the lead, of course, and Taj follows him through the net tunnel even though there are plenty of empty legs to choose from. Probst loves J.T. all over the place, saying he's "flying through" the course while everyone else is sucking ass. It's not like they're that far behind. Shut up, Probst. When J.T. turns to go back with his bag, he runs into Taj, just coming out of the leg. Excellent work, Taj! Slow down the immunity threat. "That rope will tear you up. Gonna lose some skin in this challenge!" Probst cries gleefully. J.T. makes it to his second bag before anyone is back with his first. It seems the the non-J.T. contestants don't understand the meaning of the word "hustle."

While Taj is heading back with her second bag, she runs into J.T. in the leg net tunnel and lets out an "oh [blur mouth]." They have to climb over each other, but it doesn't slow either of them down too much. J.T. gets his three bags back first, of course, and starts working on the puzzle. I am rooting for anyone but J.T. to win this thing because I want to see him have to scramble for the first time in this game. Stephen is the to start his puzzle, followed by Taj and then Erinn. J.T. has most of his puzzle completed by the time they arrive, but this looks like the kind of puzzle where you don't realize you haven't done it right until you're left with one last piece that doesn't fit. Meanwhile, Erinn suddenly has a lot of her puzzle completed. Even Probst has to be impressed with that. J.T. gets down to his final piece, and sure enough, it doesn't fit. He has to find which piece is out of place while Erinn only has a few pieces left. Go, Erinn! And before she can put in the final piece ... J.T. gets his finished first. "J.T. wins immunity!" Probst cries out, so happy. Well, Erinn, you should have gone faster in the obstacle course. Or perhaps worn a shirt to the challenge, since I think a big part of J.T.'s advantage was that he had more skin covered and could be more aggressive against the nets, while Taj and Erinn wore bikini tops like idiots. Stephen has no excuse. Erinn gives the post challenge wrap-up that she had the last piece in her hand when J.T. beat her. "Frustrating to no end," she says. She doesn't have high hopes for her chances at Tribal tonight.

Back at camp, it's time to plot! Or not, as Taj is certain that the Jalapeño 3 will stay together until the end and Erinn is going home, no doubt. She's sure Erinn will try to stay in the game, but she's loyal to Stephen and J.T. and they're loyal to her. Okay, be complacent. That's always worked so well for people on this show. Like Tyson. Erinn goes down to the waterfront with Stephen and J.T. She interviews that she knows she has to find a way to plead her case with the guys without looking like she's scrambling. She states the facts: Taj has played a great social game and a great game in general. Stephen agrees that Taj stands a good chance of winning a jury vote. J.T. interviews that Erinn had a good point and, unlike Taj, he doesn't see this game as Tempura vs. Jalapeño anymore. Erinn walks away, and Stephen says they should talk to Taj. "How do we do this?" J.T. asks. Stephen seems to want Taj gone, saying Erinn would be easier to beat in the last immunity challenge. Except for the fact that she almost won the challenge today. J.T. says he doesn't care who goes tonight as long as he and Stephen are a team. Except when it comes to voting for Douche, in which case J.T. will throw his teammate under the bus in order to win some jury votes. Stephen interviews that if he votes Taj out, he'll look bad to the jury. But he wants to vote out whoever is the biggest threat t

o him winning this game, and that's Taj.

J.T. and Stephen walk up to Taj and agree that Erinn is going tonight. There's an awkward moment when Taj asks who they're voting for tonight, and they say it's not like it can be anyone else except Erinn ... unless Taj is thinking of voting for Stephen. Taj isn't paying attention and lets that thought hang in the air and Stephen gets all nervous. Taj says she was just making sure they weren't voting for her, so at least she's actually open to that possibility. J.T. interviews that they're telling Taj that Erinn is going home tonight, but that's not necessarily true.

The four arrive at Tribal Council, and here comes the jury! Douche has his stupid cane and gets a screaming eagle sound effect when he sits down. I can just see him at home thinking the editors think he's awesome and a hero for putting that in there. Ugh. J.T. looks at Douche and shakes his head with fake disappointment that Douche is on the jury and not still in the game. Stephen just looks guilty. Probst opens by saying that when the merge happened, there were six Tempura members and only three Jalapeños. Except that technically, there were four Jalapeños. Has anyone ever been as forgettable as poor injured Jim? Probst asks the Jalapeños how they managed to take Tempura down. Stephen says that they each chose a few members of Tempura to bond with and swore that they'd always stick together. Probst turns to Erinn and asks her how it feels to be the last Tempura standing. She says she's "pretty proud of [her]self" and this "speaks greatly of [her] self-pressaveement." I think she meant self-preservation. Possibly perseverance. She wound up with both and neither. Also, the jury isn't really enjoying this. "I definitely made decisions that kept me here, and that is amazing to me," Erinn pats herself on the back. She really was one of the few people who actually played this game, but she might not want to say that in front of all the people at whose expense she played it. Probst asks her if she scrambled back at camp following the challenge. Erinn says she learned from everyone else who went out before her that scrambling doesn't work. Probst asks if she's saying that she's going home tonight. Erinn says she won't be surprised if she leaves the game tonight.

Probst asks Taj if Erinn is a risk to take to the Final Three because she has almost her entire tribe on the jury. Taj says Tempura may well side with their tribemate against the Jalapeño Three "just to be vindictive," which ignores the fact that Erinn's tribe clearly hates her. Probst asks Stephen if voting Erinn out is the safest bet. Stephen says that could be true, but this is an individual game and he has to think about who he'll do best against in front of the jury. Probst asks if this means that Douche's "take the best to the end" game plan left when he did, which is annoying because that game plan never ever began in the first place, not even with Douche. His plan was basically to vote out whoever he thought was going against him, preferably a female. Stephen says he respects Douche's philosophy and wants to be at the end with the best, but he's formed bonds with everyone in the Final Four and hopes he won't have to make the decision to vote any one of them out. Probst reminds Stephen that he kind of has to do that tonight and asks Stephen why he's acting like this is his first day and he doesn't know how this game is played. Way to make Stephen look like an idiot in front of the jury, Probst. If only Stephen had big muscles, he'd be able to get away with anything and everything. Probst asks Stephen who he's voting for: Erinn or Taj? Stephen says his decision comes down to who will best assure him a place in the Final Two.

Probst finally talks to J.T., asking him if he trusts everyone left. J.T. says he trusts Stephen and Taj more than Erinn because he's been with them for a longer time and they've kept their promises to him. Probst asks Taj the same thing, and she answers the same way: she's been with J.T. and Stephen since the beginning and she's still here, so she has no reason not to trust them. Probst asks if she'd be surprised if she was voted out tonight, and Taj says she would. Why haven't she and Erinn tried to take Stephen out? Because they don't think they'd be able to convince J.T. and then there'd be a tie? So it would come down to a fire-starting competition between Stephen and whoever Stephen and J.T. voted for. I'd rather do that than just trust people, but I guess when you're already a millionaire like Taj, you can afford to be that blindly loyal. Probst turns back to Erinn and asks her if she'll be shocked not to be voted out. She says she'll be surprised, but not shocked. "Anything can happen," she says. It's time to vote!

Erinn votes for Taj. Taj votes for Erinn. Probst tallies the votes. First vote is for Taj. The jury looks anxious. I'm not sure who they're hoping will be voted out tonight. Erinn, probably. They hate her beyond reason. The vote is for Erinn, who adjusts her glasses. And the third vote is for ... Tag? He's been flying under the radar in this game, that's for sure. So we've got a three-way tie. Whoever the last vote is for is out of the game. Personally, I hope it's Tag. But no ... it's Taj. She smiles, probably thinking of all the showers she's about to take. Damn. Debbie shakes her head over on the jury. Stephen and J.T. look sad, but not that sad. Erinn adjusts her glasses again. I'm totally rooting for her now. This game has been way too easy for J.T. and Stephen and I like my winners to have to struggle.

For Taj's final words, she says "I get so weak in the knees I can hardly speak. I lose all control and something takes over me. My love will be right here, have no fear. I'm so into you, I don't know what I'm going to do. Boy, you got me so confused." Yes, it's an SWV medley! I can't believe I lasted all season without quoting some SWV. Taj also says she hopes Erinn makes it to the end so she can vote for her over the guys who blindsided and betrayed her.

The Final Three return to camp. "Final Three fever!" Stephen says nonsensically. Erinn is pretty damn happy with herself. J.T. says that vote "was a tough one." He interviews the same, saying that he and Stephen figured it'd be easier to beat Erinn at the last challenge than Taj. Erinn says every tribal council since the merge has gone according to their plans, which makes me wonder how much of a part she had in that alliance. Too bad we spent all that time showing Douche being a douche instead of seeing more of Erinn's gameplay! Erinn says she thinks Taj knew she was going tonight and didn't seem upset when her name was read. It's dark, so Erinn can't really see how unhappy Stephen and J.T. are, but surely she can hear that they're not talking to her. J.T. sighs that payback for betraying his alliancemate is a bitch, since he's "already suffering the consequences 'cause Erinn is the most annoying person in the world and she will not shut up." Stephen interviews that making it to Final Three is bittersweet since they had to stab Taj in the back to get there and now they're stuck with Erinn, who is oblivious to J.T. and Stephen's "inner turmoil." Then don't vote Taj out, Stephen. I have no sympathy.

The morning, J.T. walks away and leaves Erinn and Stephen to talk about how neither of them wants J.T. to win immunity because if he makes it to the Final Two, he'll win for sure. Erinn interviews that if she wins, she's taking Stephen to the end. Stephen says that if by some miracle J.T. gets out of the challenge first, he'll still fight to the end to win against Erinn. "I trust you but I trust me more," he titles. Erinn continues that she's sitting kind of pretty right now, since Stephen will take her to the end and J.T. would probably do the same. "It puts me in a good spot," she says. To win second place, yes. "We have to win," Stephen says; "I don't think either of us stand a chance against him in the finals." Stephen then interviews that he'd almost rather not win immunity today because he'd rather not have to choose between Erinn and J.T.

Erinn wanders away and J.T. tells Stephen that they're going to be eating breakfast tomorrow because there's no way Erinn can beat both of them and no way they won't take each other to the end. "You have my word and my life that I'll take you with me, man," J.T. says, which is easy for him to promise since he'll probably win no matter who he chooses. He asks Stephen to tell him the same, and Stephen does, not like that means anything. J.T. interviews that he's worried about the immunity challenge, since Erinn is sure to v

ote him out if she wins and he's not entirely sure he can count on Stephen. J.T. keeps pressing, telling an obviously nervous and uncomfortable Stephen that they're going to the Final Two and they have a deal and all that stuff. J.T. interviews that he knows he can trust Stephen in the real world, but with a million dollars on the line in a game that's all about lying ... maybe not. Then don't act all wounded if you lose and Stephen takes you out, J.T.

The Final Three walk to treemail. It tells them to follow a map to the stupid Fallen Comrades walk and then to the final immunity challenge. Stephen has to narrate that the people who were voted out before them are valuable people who matter or whatever. I love how Stephen has to say all this because J.T. is unintelligible and Erinn probably doesn't give a shit about anyone else in this game, nor should she. But I hate how Stephen uses Douche terms like "enemy combatants" and "the field of Survivor battle" to describe his former castmates.

And now, the dramatic music plays as they approach Carolina's torch. "So much trouble in such a little body," Stephen says. Erinn laughs. Very respectful. Carolina says it sucks to be voted out first but she's learned to be more patient and not try to control everything. Or be worse at challenges than the crazy older lady who really should have gone out before her, I'd like to add. Erinn has to speak for Candace. "I may have been her only friend in this game," she says. Way harsh! "But gosh darn it, I liked her a lot," she concludes. I liked Candace too, if only because she saw right through Douche and probably would have taken his ass out before the merge if Debbie didn't suck so bad. Candace basically blames her ouster on not being able to sit back and tolerate "the egocentric sexist crap that was coming out of Douche's mouth." You have nothing to be ashamed of, Candace. I'd rather go out early in this game than be responsible for Douche going out late.

Third up is Jerry. Erinn says "if you could pick you own dad, you'd pick Jerry," like, way to crap all over your own dad, Erinn. And after he came to visit you, too. Just about every shot of Jerry shows him looking sick and lying around, so clearly the editors weren't thrilled with his time on the show. Wouldn't it have been awesome if they had kept Taj and voted Erinn out last night? Then they'd be all like, "..." during most of this segment. Jerry complains about how sick he felt and how this game was harder than the Army reserves. And yet, Erinn the hairdresser and Taj the pampered millionaire pop star made it so much further than he did, so, whatever, Jerry. And then there's Sandy. J.T. says she was "a bit crazy" and Erinn reminds us of when Sandy gave her one of the most "humbling moments" in her life when she held onto Erinn's bikini with one hand during that rainy basketball challenge. Over various shots of her bug-eyed craziness, Sandy says she played as hard as she could and overcame the first impression her tribe had of her ... and was voted out the second chance they got, so, not really.

Fifth is Spencer. Neither J.T. nor Stephen mention that he's gay, so, way to keep that a secret, Spencer! Not that it helped you at all. Spencer says he's "honored" to be the youngest-ever contestant on this show, which is more of a casting error than it is an accomplishment, but thinks his youth may have been a disadvantage because he was too trusting. Sydney is , and J.T. says the decision to vote her out was the first hard one they had to make. Sydney says she rode coattails too much and should have made some moves. Jon is seventh, and Stephen calls him "Captain America" and "the most decent guy out here." J.T. and Erinn don't have anything to say about Jed because they don't recognize the name on the torch. Jen says that he was "just getting started" in this game before his own body (and the Survivor medical team) failed him.

Anyway, I fell asleep through half of that random boring guy's voiceover, only to wake up to hear Stephen talking about dragons as they approach Brendan's torch. Stephen, you need to shut up about the dragons now, okay? Douche is gone and we're all very happy about that. Don't make him think he left any kind of a mark there. J.T. says Brendan was a good athlete. "Too true," Erinn puts in. Oh, I forgot how Brendan related every single thing he said and did to the fact that he's an entrepreneur. He says that just because you're successful in business does not necessarily mean you'll be good at Survivor. Especially when you set up an awesome secret alliance and then totally fail to follow through on it, thus creating one of the most boring seasons ever.

They approach Tyson's torch, and Stephen claims that Tyson was funny, kind, and sincere, and his boot was the turning point of the game. Tyson says that he was blind-sided when he got too confident, then goes into asshole mode and says being strong doesn't win this game -- being pathetic and weak does. He didn't seem to mind that when it came time to get rid of Brendan, though, did he? is Sierra, and Stephen is once again doing most of the talking for the people in Erinn's tribe as he says that Sierra was honest and sweet and "it was great getting to know her." And yet, you guys all hated her. I saw that reward challenge. Sierra says this game was a series of highs and lows for her, and she wore her heart on her sleeve and "stayed true" to herself, which I wouldn't want to admit since her true self is clearly someone that people don't like. Then again, it's just people like Debbie and Douche, so that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Speaking of Debbie, her torch is up . Surprisingly, Erinn claims that she was closest to Debbie out there and voting her out was her hardest vote. Did we see any of that friendship on the show? I guess it was cut out to show more of Douche. Stephen says that Debbie was a surprisingly strong challenge competitor and strategic and kind. Compared to the rest of these people, I suppose Debbie is strategic. Debbie says that she thought her background as a middle school principal would prepare her well for this show, but it didn't. But she thinks being on the show prepared her for the rest of the world. There's a shot of her during that weight-bearing competition. That was pretty impressive, I must say. And then, Douche's torch. Erinn says his boot was her most satisfying. Go, Erinn! Then J.T. ruins it by saying that Douche is "one of the most honest people" he knows. Don't think you're all that honest, Douche -- most of J.T.'s friends are cows, and we all know that cows are dirty liars. Stephen says that Douche changed the game, just like he wanted. Yeah, he made it suck. Douche quotes Nietzsche and says something about Vikings, Indians, and the Samurai, of course. He's not on the show anymore so I don't think I'm contractually obligated to recap him. And really? Do they have to give him a slow-motion hair-blowing-in-the-wind Jesus shot? Really? Finally, we end with Taj's torch. Everyone loves Taj and feels bad about voting her out. Taj says she learned a lot on this show, but in the end she forgot they were playing for a million dollars (and probably how much money that is to someone who doesn't have it already) and it cost her the game. And this is why Survivor needs to stop casting millionaires. They just don't have the same motivation poor people do, and it's boring.

With that, the three toss a bunch of idols representing each contestant into a fire pit, which I always think is disrespectful, and Erinn says the final immunity challenge is up and she knows she has to win it to be guaranteed a spot in the Final Two. Way to state the incredibly obvious, Erinn. J.T. interviews that he's going to win this challenge no matter what. Stephen interviews that whoever wins the challenge makes it to the Final Two and chooses who he goes up against, just in case you didn't catch that when Erinn said it a few seconds ago or when it happened in all the other seasons.

And now, the final immunity challenge. I don't know if yo

u guys know this, but the winner gets to choose who he will take to the final tribal council and thus have an advantage. And this season's finale challenge ... is freaking lame. Because Probst doesn't like those really long endurance challenges, we have to watch as contestants place a ball in a big metal contraption. It will roll down and pop out of one of two exit points, where the contestants, who have one hand tied behind their backs, must catch it with their free hand and place it back in the chute. More balls will be added, and they will alternate which exit they come out of. If you drop the ball, you lose. And if you've ever been in the waiting room of a pediatrician, then you've done this before.

And we begin! Things start off easy enough with one ball in play. The most entertaining thing is hearing Probst talk about balls, and that's only if you're eleven. The contestants add a second ball, at which point this game supposedly starts getting good. Everyone makes it through the round, and when a third ball is added, Erinn almost drops a ball. Concentrate, Erinn! Nope, she put her balls in too close together and still has one in her hand when another one comes flying out of the other exit and hits the ground. You lose, Erinn. You lose a million dollars. Stephen is the to falter, almost missing the ball because he sucks at catching. He's so rattled that he nearly misses the ball the same way. J.T. and Stephen put another ball in, bringing the total to four. Stephen almost drops another ball, while J.T. looks pretty solid. Then Stephen screws up catching yet another ball, which throws off his timing. He misses his ball and is out. So J.T. wins, and this is no longer suspenseful. Probst congratulates J.T. for winning immunity three times in a row (not such a huge accomplishment considering the caliber of players left in the game. Erinn lost because she didn't understand how to space her balls far enough apart and Stephen lost because he can't catch. Sad) and making it to the Final Two. He says J.T. now has a "million dollar decision" on who to take with him, which it isn't in this case since he's sure to beat either one of them. On the way out, J.T. interviews that he promised Stephen he'd take him to the end, but "promises come cheap in this game." So did the final immunity challenge props.

The three return to camp. Stephen interviews that he was actually relieved not to win the immunity challenge, because now he doesn't have to choose between J.T. or Erinn. And yet, he seemed pretty upset at the time he lost, so whatever. Erinn talks to J.T. away from Stephen. He asks if she thinks Tempura will vote for her out of loyalty to their tribemate. "No," Erinn laughs, saying that everyone on that jury resents her for outlasting him. She's telling the truth. If Erinn makes it to the end, we'll see an ugly, spiteful jury. She says the only vote she has any hope of getting is from Taj if she's still angry at J.T. for voting her out early. J.T. agrees. Erinn lets that sink in for a minute, then tells J.T. that Stephen said it would be suicide to go up against J.T. at the end. J.T. asks Erinn if Stephen would have taken her to the Final Tribal Council. Erinn says she thinks so, and he told her he would. J.T. interviews that now that he knows that Stephen would have been willing to take Erinn over him, he feels better about doing the same to him. Erinn adds that Stephen will probably be really good in front of the jury since he's so smart and eloquent. Boy, will she be surprised (spoiler alert!). "He could go up there and talk so good and turn me into [blurmouth]," J.T. says. Then he'd sell everybody his fix-it-elixir and leave town before the townspeople realized it didn't work. Big city folk are evil!

Erinn interviews that it would be "noble" and "honorable" for J.T. to take Stephen to the end, but he has a much better shot of winning the money against her. She says voting Stephen out tonight is "the only thing that makes sense." Doing things that make sense is not common on this show and especially not this season, so, buh-bye, Erinn! She walks off and Stephen has his turn to talk to J.T. He asks if Erinn's "pressuring" J.T. to pick her tonight. "She pleaded her case," J.T. says; "she has a very good one." And here's where Stephen's game totally falls apart. J.T. says that Erinn told him about how she and Stephen agreed to take each other to the end if J.T. lost immunity. Stephen doesn't say anything at first, then tells J.T. it isn't true while not looking J.T. in the eyes and touching his face. He couldn't be more obviously lying if he was telling J.T. that he was once captured by a tribe of short Amazon Indian cannibals. Stephen says if J.T. has doubts, that's okay. J.T. says going against Erinn means he's guaranteed to win the million, so, yeah, he has doubts. Stephen says if he picks him, he'll still win the million "and you'll do the right thing." Ew. I don't like it when people talk about "the right thing" in this game, especially if those people were just talking about not doing "the right thing" before the immunity challenge took that choice away. But maybe Stephen is just trying to say whatever he thinks will appeal to the sense of honesty and truthiness everyone seems to think J.T. possesses no matter how many times he shows them he's willing to lie to win.

Stephen interviews that taking Erinn to Final Two is a lock for winning the million, whereas taking Stephen could be a gamble for J.T. Stephen says he and J.T. didn't let sentiment get in the way when it came time to get rid of Douche and Taj, so why stop now? On the other hand, he also thinks that he knows J.T. well enough by now to know when he's telling the truth and when he's lying, and he thinks J.T. is telling the truth when he says he'll keep Stephen. That's what Douche thought, too. And Taj. And everyone else. Stephen makes a last point that if J.T. keeps him in the game over Erinn, it'll only make him look better to the jury, so he'll win no matter who he chooses. Stephen says he's known from the beginning that J.T. would win this game, but J.T. isn't quite so sure. "I'd be scared if I were you," J.T. tells Stephen. J.T. interviews that his mother told him he had what it took to win this game as long as he didn't do anything stupid. She probably followed that up by not saying she loved him. J.T. says if he loses because he takes Stephen to the end, his family back home will be disappointed in him. But the cows won't care! They never judge.

Tribal Council! The Final Three arrive, and in come the jury. Brendan walks in first and looks happy to see J.T. wearing the immunity necklace, which tells you everything you need to know about how the Final Tribal Council is going to go down. Douche somehow manages to walk in unassisted by the dragon cane, and there's Taj refusing to look her former alliancemates in the eye. She's pissed. Probst begins by talking about how awesome J.T. is for winning all those immunity challenges and earning his way into the Final Two, then turns to Erinn and asks her what she said to J.T. to convince him to take her to the end. She says they talked about who would get votes from which jury member, and how Erinn wouldn't get very many at all. Debbie nods snottily at this, although she might just be drunk. Or having a stroke. It's hard to tell with Debbie. Erinn says that Stephen, on the other hand, could be harder for J.T. to beat. She'll fight to win the game in the Final Tribal Council, but her chances are pretty slim.

Probst turns to Stephen and asks him why J.T. should keep him over Erinn. Stephen says that they've been partners since the beginning of the game and "shared a brain" and "made every move of this game together." Taj doesn't seem to enjoy hearing this. Stephen continues that he and J.T. made "long-term commitments" and will have a friendship outside of this game or something. I'm not really sure what he's saying at this point. What happened to him?

Probst says it sounds like J.T. has to choose between loyalty and easy money. J.T. says he has to figure out what's more important to him, and he knows that he'd stand a better chance of winning against Erinn. Probst asks why J.T. would bring Stephen to the Final Two. J.T. says picking Stephen would mean he stuck to his word (for like the first time in this game) and that he was bringing "the best to the end," which Douche loves hearing, of course. Probst doesn't think this explanation is good enough. J.T. says he also has to think about if Stephen would have taken J.T. if he had won immunity. He doesn't know. Stephen asks if he can say something. Probst says sure, and we all brace ourselves for some kind of revelation or something to make this more interesting. But no. Stephen's big point is that he and J.T. have been talking about the Final Two breakfast since the beginning of the game. That's it. The jury is not amused. Probst gets his sarcasm on, saying that a million dollars or "breakfast with your thirty-nine-day friend" is a tough choice indeed. Stephen says there is more to a relationship than a million dollars. Prost asks if Stephen is saying that their friendship would be over if J.T. picked Erinn. Stephen says they'd still be friends but it wouldn't be the same, because J.T. promised him things. Stephen says that he's also made promises that he's broken, at which point Debbie points to Taj, but he hopes that the serious promises that J.T. made to God to be loyal to his ally will hold up in the end. Probst turns to Erinn and says that she doesn't really have to say anything, since Stephen is talking himself out of the Final Two. Perhaps he's faking all this nervousness and stammering to make J.T. think he'll suck in front of the jury? Erinn agrees with Probst, and Stephen says he's nervous, just like everyone except J.T. is. J.T. says he's pretty nervous, too.

Probst asks J.T. to make a case for taking Erinn. Once again, J.T. says that he's more likely to beat her than Stephen. And then it's time to vote. J.T. casts his vote. Probst fetches it and ... it's for Erinn! I guess J.T. figured that no matter who he took with him to the end, he'd win, so he might as well appear honorable doing it. Douche, of course, believes that J.T. is upholding the game-changing standards Douche laid down at the beginning of the game, and celebrates J.T.'s decision on the jury bench. Taj doesn't look very pleased, probably because she doesn't understand why J.T. could turn his back on her and not Stephen. Stephen just looks shocked. Probst extinguishes Erinn's torch and she's gone. Probst says the game is now in the hands of the jury and kicks J.T. and Stephen out. As soon as he's allowed to stand up, Stephen gives J.T. a big, grateful hug.

For her good-bye words, Erinn says she's a little bit surprised, but deep down she had a feeling that J.T. would stick with Stephen. She says the game was "life-changing" and she's happy to have made it so far. Good for her; she was one of the few people who played this season and she played well.

And it's the last day at Camp Forza. J.T. interviews that it's a beautiful morning and he's here with Stephen, just like they planned in the beginning. Stephen says they'll be "friends for life." This will only make it all the more painful when they talk shit about each other at the Final Tribal Council. Stephen interviews that he and J.T. are the Final Two on Day 39, just like they planned, and no matter what happens tonight they'll always have that. They walk to treemail together, and J.T. says they dominated the entire game both physically and socially. True, and it made for a boring season. But we're bound to have a likable winner, so that's cool, I guess. With that, the breakfast feast is waiting for them at treemail.

Pancake batter is poured and someone tries to peel an avocado. Oooh, and there's bac

on. Then Stephen ruins everything by saying "the Warrior and the Wizard." Gah! No more Douche Talk! Now you can lose. Stephen interviews that they cooked and ate everything over the few hours. J.T. says it's nice not to have to worry about strategy, although, of course, you always are. Like, I'd be thinking about getting my opponent as wasted as possible on mimosas to hurt his jury performance. Although if I was on the jury and one of the Final Two came in wasted, I'd probably vote for him. Stephen and J.T. toast to themselves and Stephen says the champagne "tastes like victory." When did Stephen get so lame? I don't get it.

Time to take a walk down memory lane! Stephen asks J.T. for his first impression of him. J.T. missed the mark completely, saying Stephen "looked strong" but "really religious." J.T. interviews that he's learned that you can't judge a book by its cover or go off first impressions (you mean like voting a tribe member out before you even get a chance to speak to anyone?), and he and Stephen are actually a lot alike despite their very different backgrounds. Stephen says he thought J.T. was "gregarious" and "charming." But not "charmin'," as we already had that product placement earlier this season. Stephen interviews pretty much the same thing J.T. just said -- that he didn't think he'd get along with J.T., only to find that underneath it all, they're a lot alike and thus make a great team.

With that, it's time to go. J.T. puts on his jeans and cowboy boots, while Stephen puts his dress pants on and we can all see that the butt has been ripped out of them. Of course. J.T. interviews that he's ready to put his friendship with Stephen aside tonight in order to win. J.T. and Stephen get some distance from the camp and stop and turn around, and I was expecting it to explode or something, but I guess they decided not to destroy camp this season. With that, J.T. sticks his hand out for Stephen to grab but Stephen is too awkward and just sticks his hand out, too. Hee. Stephen interviews that he's ready to fight for the win and state his case and not roll over and let J.T. take the million. Stop trying to make this sound suspenseful or exciting, Stephen.

The Final Two arrive at the Final Tribal Council. The jury enters, and I see that Douche has made sure to wear a suit jacket because he'll be voting tonight. He has not, apparently, managed to find any stupid feathers to stick in his hair. And Erinn looks great all cleaned up, as they almost always do except for Debbie because she wears too much makeup. Probst congratulates Stephen and J.T. for making it this far and Stephen gives his opening statement. He says it's hard to speak against J.T. after J.T. picked him to be in the Final Two and they've "been through so much together." He says he and J.T. "shared a brain when it came to strategy." What? Really? Because I saw Stephen making most of the moves behind the scenes and J.T. being his strong social front man. And that's kind of all Stephen has in his favor, that he was the brains of the team. Instead of talking about that, though, he says that he grew more in this game and was more out of his element in the beginning and had a lot more to overcome than J.T. He's become a better, stronger person, thanks in part to everyone on the jury. Suck up.

Well, that was terrible. Let's hear what J.T. has to say. He opens by saying he's not a Yale graduate like Stephen, but he is the first person in his family to graduate college and worked very hard to make it to the end of this game. While Stephen said "we" throughout his opening speech, J.T. says "I." He points out that he never received a vote against him (although Stephen only had one, and must be a little annoyed at Erinn for casting it right about now), was friends with everyone there, and had a hard time voting people out. Debbie looks all shocked when J.T. says he picked the people to vote out that he thought were going to try to get rid of him first. And he reminds everyone that he kept his word and picked Stephen to go to the end when he could have beaten Erinn for sure.

And now, the jury. First up is Brendan. He decides to open by putting Stephen down, saying that he's never seen a sporting event where the winner was decided by who grew the most. His question is can Stephen think of one. Well, Brendan, I can tell you who definitely doesn't win: the guy who throws an alliance away because he thinks he doesn't need them since his tribe has the majority, only to be voted out at the first possible opportunity. Stephen says Survivor could be that sporting event, and that he played to his strengths, focusing on outwitting his fellow contestants rather than outplaying them. "So you should be handicapped?" Brendan asks. Stephen says no, but J.T. is an outdoorsman and Stephen came into this with none of those skills but still did just as well. Brendan turns to J.T. and asks him if Stephen's point that he grew during the game is a relevant one. So basically, both of Brendan's questions are about how he didn't like Stephen's opening argument. Way to come to the Final Tribal with nothing prepared, Brendan. Kind of like how you came into the show itself. J.T., of course, says that Stephen will benefit from growing during this game, but it's irrelevant when it comes to who should win. He says he outplayed Stephen, and even had to push him to participate in some challenges when Stephen tried to "hide in the shadows." At this point, Stephen asks if he can have a "rebuttal" and says that "hiding in the shadows," is a legitimate strategy in this game. True, but then when it comes time to go in front of the jury, you have to own it in your opening statement and tell them what you were doing when they weren't looking. J.T. thinks that someone who puts himself out there "should get more respect" than someone who hides. Okay, but respect is not the same as a million dollars. Stephen looks stung, as if he didn't realize that this was going to get nasty.

Erinn goes . She accuses Stephen of playing with three different alliances: the Jalapeño three, the Exile alliance, and the Warrior alliance, only to send most of his alliance members to the jury. Um ... duh, Erinn. It's a game where you vote people out until only two are left. Sending your alliance members to the jury, therefore, kind of has to happen. "So, should I just vote for J.T.?" she asks. I'm hoping they edited most of her question out, because what we just saw sucked and I expect more from Erinn. Stephen says this game involves "creating a lot of dynamic structures and then working within those structures to advance yourself as best you can." I'm sure that went over most members of the jury's heads. He says he played this game and his alliances really well, and if Erinn respects that "aggressive style of play" then she should vote for him. Except that he opened by saying that he and J.T. were in agreement on all of those moves, so therefore they both had the same aggressive style of play and why should Erinn vote for Stephen over J.T. for that? Oh, Stephen! You blew it! Why? You were so smart until like Day 36 and then you just fell apart. What happened? Erinn turns to J.T. and asks him why he thinks Stephen is the strongest opponent he could have gone against in the end. J.T. mumbles something about Stephen being the best and most honest person in Jalapeño, and when they merged and Douche asked him who was the strongest person in his tribe, J.T. said it was Stephen. Because, you know, it was between Stephen, Taj, and Julian, whose leg was about to fall off. It was a pretty obvious choice. He adds that he had a chance to abandon Stephen there, but he didn't. And he thinks that Stephen was the strongest member of the "power alliance," which is kind of a fuck you to everyone else in that alliance, not like they'll realize it.

Debbie is up . She says she's still undecided on who she's voting for tonight, which I very much doubt, and honesty is very important to her (so much so that when she lies herself she conveniently forgets about it) and that's why she was so drawn to J.T.

But as the game went on, she realized that J.T. wasn't quite so honest. She asks him who the real J.T. is. J.T. says that his mother told him not to trust his opponents and that he'd have to lie to win the game. Yes, invoke your mother's name in front of Debbie. Very clever. He points out that Debbie lied too, like when she tried to get rid of Douche. He only lied when he had to, just like she did. Debbie asks Stephen if he would have taken J.T. to the end if he had won immunity, and "I want an honest answer to this question," she says in her best principal lecture voice. Stephen says he honestly doesn't know. Debbie doesn't accept this, but even I think it actually is the truth. She wants him to give her a name and she's sure he knows who he would have taken. "I think it would be Erinn," Stephen says, and J.T.'s face falls. He hopes he would have taken J.T., but thinks it would have been Erinn. Erinn sits on the jury and looks satisfied with herself. I'd be more really disappointed that my crappy immunity challenge performance basically lost me all that money.

Oh, crap. They're letting Douche have a turn to speak. He greets Stephen and J.T. as the "last two members of the power alliance," STILL not getting it that that alliance never really existed. He's proud to see "the warrior" and "the wizard" at the end. I think it's amazing how Douche can take anything that happens and spin it in his mind so that it reflects well on him. If it didn't make him look like such an insufferable dick, I'd be jealous. Brendan laughs at Douche as he talks about iron sharpening iron. Then he asks J.T. how he was able to keep his honesty and integrity late in the game and also some crap about being a noble warrior. J.T. says he had to lie to Douche sometimes, but he kept his promise that he wouldn't vote for him. Only because he knew he'd be able to use that at the Final Two, but J.T. doesn't say that and Douche is too wrapped up in his own delusions of grandeur to see it. Then J.T. is even more brilliant and says that he would have gone to the end with Douche because he knew Douche would take J.T. to the Final Two, just like he thought Stephen would have taken him, only to just now discover that wasn't true. He says he risked a million dollars to keep his word to Douche and to Stephen. Douche asks Stephen the same nonsensical question. Stephen says that he actually had more honor than J.T. because he accepted responsibility for voting people out by writing their names down and not letting everyone else do the dirty work while he tried to win jury votes by throwing his vote away. That's a very good point. Stephen adds that he hasn't said anything negative against J.T. yet tonight, so that makes him a noble warrior. I think it's more like he's foolishly grateful, but I'll accept noble warrior.

Sierra's turn! She says she's heard enough from Stephen at this point so she only has a question for J.T., which is yet another chance to bash poor Stephen. You know, Douche totally sucks and all, but at least he didn't use his jury questions to prop J.T. up while shitting on Stephen like everyone else so far has. Sierra asks J.T. how he can say he took the strongest person with him to the end when Stephen is "one of the weakest players [she's] ever seen." I guess they didn't have mirrors out there, or else Sierra could have taken a long look at herself and seen a much weaker player. Almost voted out before the game even started, unable to find a hidden immunity idol, letting her alliancemate do the work for her and then crying and begging when he was voted out ... these are not the characteristics of a strong player in this game. She adds that when J.T. had the chance to take Taj to the Final Three, he chose Erinn, who Sierra claims is "another weak player." Again, not really. Erinn played a very good game. That's why she outlasted her entire tribe. Sierra, on the other hand, couldn't even win at shuffleboard. There's a shot of Erinn, who is clearly imagining ways to kill Sierra right now. Sierra concludes that J.T. actually took the two weakest players with him, and how can she admire that? J.T. says that Stephen is a strong player -- he won an immunity challenge and almost beat J.T. in the last one (and Erinn almost beat J.T. in the second-to-last one). He thinks that of the Final Four, Stephen was the strongest. Sierra says J.T. lost her respect because if he really wanted to go to the end with the strongest player, he'd be sitting to Tyson or Brendan or Debbie. Except not really, since they were voted out and therefore were not strong players. If J.T. wins tonight, Sierra just wants him to know that he didn't beat the strongest player. That won't make the million dollars worth any less, though, so shut up Sierra.

Tyson is up . He says that Stephen said that J.T. helped him get to the end and he wants to know if J.T. feels the same way about Stephen. J.T. says Stephen helped him, but he could have done this without him and doesn't think that Stephen can say the same. Stephen is hurt by this, and Tyson asks for his reply. Stephen says he's very hurt to hear J.T. devalue their partnership after everything they've done together, but he still doesn't think he could have done it without J.T. and he doesn't think J.T. could have done it without him. J.T. asks Stephen if he'd be sitting here tonight if "someone else" won immunity. Well, yes, since that person would either be Stephen or Erinn. Stephen says yes, Taj or Erinn would have taken him over J.T. That's it for Tyson, and while I don't like him, he, like Douche, wasn't a bitter asshole in his jury question and didn't feel the need to put one person down to prop up the other. Good for him.

Last up is Taj. "Crushed. Betrayed. Extremely disappointed," she starts. Uh oh. Here's the bitter grapes speech. There's always one. I'm sad it's going to be from Taj of all people. She says the way she was voted out was unnecessary, although she knows that's how the game is played. Okay, so, not too bitter then. She asks J.T. why he couldn't vote Douche or Stephen out but had seemingly no problem when it came to taking her out. J.T. says his hardest vote was the one against her, and they both stuck their necks out for each other plenty of times before that in the game. Voting her out was "almost harder" than voting to keep Stephen, J.T. claims. I think if J.T. had gone to the end with Erinn and shown that he could turn his back on both of his alliancemates, Taj probably wouldn't have been so hurt. Taj turns to Stephen and says she thought they were so tight, only for him to blindside her. I love the melodramatic sad piano playing in the background, by the way. She asks if she was really such a threat that she had to be blindsided out of the game. Stephen goes for broke and says J.T. wanted to take Taj out for a while and Stephen was the person who kept her safe. He wanted to have an all-Jalapeño Final Three against an all-Tempura jury (I guess they figured there would be a Final Three, not a Final Two?). J.T. was the one who thought Taj was tougher physical competition than Erinn, and Stephen worried that Taj wouldn't take him to the Final Two and knew that Erinn would (so I guess they knew it would be a Final Two after all and just did the math wrong), so he went with J.T. J.T. speaks up and says it isn't true that he was gunning for Taj and Stephen was trying to protect her. Stephen says it's time to come clean and says J.T. wanted to take Taj out going back to before the merge, like when Taj gave Stephen the idol and J.T. thought of taking Taj out to keep it for themselves. J.T. argues that was Stephen's idea. According to what we saw, it was really a team effort between them. J.T. was the first person to say it out loud, though. Taj says she doesn't need to hear it, and J.T. mutters "is this the same guy I brought with me?" "Yes!" Taj says. Stephen gets mad and says J.T. "slandered" him all night, only to get all upset when Stephen finally tries to fight back. J.T. says everything he said was accurate. The jury loves every minute of this. Yes, it's always fun to be rendered completely incon

sequential to the game. "Our friendship means more to me than winning does," Stephen says. Aw, and he really means it! I was not expecting Stephen, of all people, to let his feelings take over his logic. "But you'd've brought Erinn," J.T. says. "I never made that decision in my heart," Stephen cheeses. "I just feel like a fool, man," J.T. says, looking very sad. "Oh come on now, I mean, look, whatever," Stephen says, and that's pretty well representative of his performance tonight. I really thought he'd be awesome in front of the jury, but he just fell apart like Amanda. Except Amanda is dumb, and Stephen is so smart! Meanwhile, I clearly underestimated J.T. this entire season. There's a real brain hiding under that Southern drawl.

And now, it's time to vote. Actually, no -- it's time to switch to the ten o'clock hour of programming, which means they're cutting into the always-rushed reunion show. Grr. They could have cut so much stuff out to fit this entire show into two hours. Probst reminds the jury that they're voting for the winner tonight, and the voting begins. Sierra says "nice job" to the camera as she votes, and I think it's cool of her to praise production like that. We don't see who Taj votes for, but she says "I am a woman of my word. You should try to be a man the same way." We can't all be married to hot football heroes, Taj. Way to have standards. Douche votes for "The W" and keeps his blazer on the whole time! Why break tradition now, Douche? This is not the way of the Samurvikindians! Oh, but, sure enough, when he leaves the voting booth, the blazer is slung over his shoulder, which gets a laugh from Sierra and an approving nod from Probst. Douche figured out that if they're going to laugh at him, he might as well make it look like that was his intention. Probst fetches the urn, thanks the contestants for a "great" season of Survivor, and leaves the Tribal Council set. He does not jet-ski or parachute or anything, which never fails to disappoint me.

We go to the live show, and Probst boringly walks in with the urn. He gets a standing ovation from the crowd and says "all right! That's what we like!" which is a change of pace from his usual audience-hating lectures to sit down and shut up. Oh, and there's J.T. and Stephen all cleaned up! Holy crap, J.T. looks good. It's shallow, but I will not be upset when he inevitably wins now. Stephen kept his beard but decided not to get a decent haircut before the show, which is unfortunate. He kind of has a mullet. Eesh. Probst calms the audience down and says "good live audience tonight, I like it!" Is he drunk? What's going on? Someone shouts at him from the crowd and he slurs "I love you, too" back at her. He IS drunk! How irresponsible. Probst slurs that Stephen and J.T. did a great job playing a hard game and whoever wins deserves the prize. "J.T.!" someone yells from the audience. J.T. giggles. He didn't even look this good on the first day of the game!

Probst reminds the boys that they want to see their names on the paper and it takes four votes to win. Stephen's not looking very hopeful. The first vote is indeed for J.T. The sound cuts out for a few seconds here, so I'm not sure if someone swore or there were technical difficulties or what. Second vote: The Warrior J.T. Let's cut to a shot of Douche since we all know he cast it. Third vote: J.T. Aww, he looks so nervous and excited! And the fourth vote: J.T. J.T. yells and jumps up and hugs Stephen, then runs off the stage towards his family. There is much hugging and screaming from them. And then we go to Samson, Alabama, where several children are cheering for "Uncle J.T." So J.T. got every single vote and never had one against him, which is a first for this show. It made for a fairly boring season and I really thought Stephen deserved to win (until he went in front of the jury and sucked out), but I can't help but smile. Such is the magic of J.T. up: the reunion!

You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, which she occasionally updates when she has something to complain about. Or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.

He may be gone and we may be thrilled that he lost, but Douche is still one of the worst human beings alive.