It is Finished

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You want a martyr approach? How about the fact that I have to watch a Douche-filled episode not once, but twice for you people? Come on! In non-Douche footage (all five minutes of it), J.T. wins the reward challenge and takes Stephen with him on an overnight reward. Erinn frets about her position back at camp with Taj. J.T. then wins the endurance immunity challenge and wants to vote Erinn out. Stephen is undecided between Douche and Erinn going into Tribal Council. And over on The Douche Show, Douche realizes that he has no control over this game and suddenly develops a bunch of excuses for his inevitable boot -- I mean, "asthma and a bad back." Though he practically begs not to go, J.T. sends Douche to Exile anyway since he's sick of hearing about how awesome Douche is at living off the land but never seeing Douche work around camp or even start a fire. That's because Douche doesn't know how to start a fire or live off the land, but he cleverly hides this fact by saying he'll have a "monastic experience" at Exile and purposely not start a fire, eat, drink, or sleep. Erinn can't help but call bullshit on this, and J.T. and Stephen wonder if they should be allies with someone who can't keep her mouth shut. Douche has an epic Exile adventure and makes himself a dragon cane, then returns to the tribe for a painful endurance challenge that comes down to him and J.T. Douche loses in a most dramatic fashion, screaming and crying and collapsing on the ground in a fetal position because his back is seizing up. By the time he gets back to camp, though, he's fine. Taj and Erinn, who spend most of this episode being awesome, want him gone, but J.T. and Stephen seem to want him to stay. At Tribal Council, only Erinn and Douche (mostly Douche) get a chance to speak, and Douche even recites a poem. On the jury, Brendan and Sierra fall asleep. It's pretty awesome. But not as awesome as what happens , which is that Douche is finally finally FINALLY voted out by Erinn, Taj, and Stephen, who Douche calls an "evil wizard." Whatever, get off my TV, go away.

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It's night 33 at Forza as the Final Five return to camp. Douche is the last in line, and the editors give him a silly musical flourish as he enters the frame. Gross. He admits to being in total shock at the vote and says he thought he was on his way out when he saw that first (and, tragically, only) vote for him. J.T. and Stephen are quick to tell him that Debbie voted for him, and they voted her out because she was trying to get rid of him. Douche apparently didn't do the math earlier, as this revelation comes as a total surprise to him. Can he be that stupid? The only votes that weren't for Debbie were the one he cast against Taj and the one that was cast against him. Does he really think Debbie voted for herself? And yet, "I can't grasp that," Douche says; "I'm like the lamb led to the slaughter." Could it be, that on Night 33, Douche is finally becoming self-aware? "J.T., Erinn, and Taj and Stephen mounted a counter-attack against Debbie to save me," he interviews; "it would have been very easy to vote me out. I know I'm a dangerous player in this game." Guess not. Douche interviews that the game is still being played with truth and honesty even though everyone left in it (except Taj) just totally lied to his face and made him think they were voting for Taj. He says that Debbie's betrayal has left him, for the first time in this game, "almost speechless. Almost." Whoever got stuck transcribing Douche's interviews had to have been so relieved until that second "almost" was said. Douche refers to himself in the third person and says he no longer has any control in this game, which would also imply that he ever did.

The morning, a downtrodden and newly-humbled (but not really) Douche asks if they're voting Erinn out , phrasing it as a pitiful suggestion rather than an order. They all agree to take Erinn out and then Taj (which they've said before every single vote and has yet to actually happen), and Douche asks about Exile. J.T. doesn't want to "send them girls" there to suffer, and since Stephen's already gone more than once, that sort of leaves J.T. and Douche as the to go. Douche figures this out very quickly, and says his lungs aren't feeling so great. "Are you all right, man?" Stephen asks, seemingly very concerned. Don't buy into Douche's bullshit, Stephen. Douche says his lungs are scarred (more like "scared") after a particularly vicious battle against the campfire. Apparently he inhaled a lot of smoke that the other four somehow escaped. Douche interviews with his new scarred lungs voice that he hopes his asthma doesn't kick in if he's sent to Exile. "This asthma's kicking my ass," he says. Well, of course. Except that I'm sure they provide contestants with inhalers and I'm also sure that Douche is looking for any and all excuses not to go to Exile, where he'll be exposed as knowing less about solo survival than Stephen. You can either walk around proclaiming that you're the dragon slayer or you can whine about being felled by freaking smoke, but you can't do both. Unless you're a delusional douchebag, so I guess it works. Douche says that "the noble thing" is to send either J.T. or himself to Exile, while the "cold, calculating competitor" in him wants to send either Taj or Erinn. But I thought we were playing this game with truth and honesty and honor and stuff. Perhaps asthmatic Vikings sent women off to face hardships in their stead.

Stephen begins his interview with an exasperated "oh god," which is a good sign. He says he and J.T. really want to send Douche to Exile because he's so obviously terrified of it and has rallied hard for everyone but him to go. Stephen sees right through Douche's health ailments, saying that his bad back and asthma has never been a factor in challenges. While Stephen and J.T. work on starting a fire (which even Taj, the pampered millionaire who grew up in the city, can do at this point), Stephen voiceovers that he doesn't think Douche can start a fire or cook food if left on his own. As soon as Douche walks away, Stephen asks J.T. if they should tell Douche they're sending him to Exile. J.T. thinks for a minute before shrugging. "It don't matter," he says. Ouch. J.T. interviews that "such an adventurous soul as Douche shouldn't be afraid to be to Exile." Nevermind your back and lungs, Douche -- does your ass hurt? Because all of those high adventure survival stories you made up just bit you in it. J.T. adds that he has no problem sending Douche to Exile and voting him out at the Tribal Council. In fact, he hopes Exile will make Douche all the weaker and easier to defeat at the immunity challenge.

Reward challenge! We see a large maze that spells out "Survivor." The contestants walk in, and Probst greets them with "what's up, Final Five?" It's like he almost likes them or something. He explains the challenge: contestants will race through the maze to a station with wooden sticks and rope. They must use the sticks and rope to construct a long pole with which to grab a sandbag that they will then swing to try to knock down three targets. By the way, the contestants' feet will be shackled together just to make them all look extra silly and increase the chances of someone falling over and seriously hurting himself. The winner gets the luxury overnight reward: a trip to "the governor's mansion," which comes with a bed, shower, and food. "Worth playing for?" Probst asks. "Yeah," everyone responds. "I know it is," Probst says. Well then, why ask? Shut up, Probst.

The challenge begins! The contestants hop-run into the maze. J.T. takes the lead, and everyone follows him except for Taj, who is smart enough to realize that she can't beat J.T. in a footrace so her only chance is to hope that he's on the wrong path and she's on the right one. Stephen tries to deviate from J.T.'s path, too, but quickly hits a dead end. Taj does, too. Well, it was still a good idea. Meanwhile, Douche's bad back and smoky asthma lungs aren't giving him any trouble as he follows J.T. around the maze. "Taj and Stephen falling right out of it!" Probst says as Stephen gives us a hilariously sarcastic double thumbs up.

J.T. gets through the maze first, followed by Douche. Please, J.T., please be good at making poles. Don't let Douche win this. Erinn seems to feel the same way, actually cheering J.T. on. All five are soon through the maze and working on their poles. J.T. has a nice lead, thanks to Douche's inability to untie the ropes around his sticks. "J.T. has a nice pole coming along," Probst says. Heh heh heh. Sure enough, J.T. is the first to get his pole ready, and hooks the sandbag easily. He knocks his first target down on the first try. I have a feeling they do a lot of stuff like this just for fun back home on the farm. "Nice job," Erinn says under her breath. Oh, but she hates Douche. J.T. knocks down his second target, and we hear Erinn giggle. They try to make it seem like she was being really loud with her comments, but I think she just said it under her breath and they jacked up the sound. Douche tries to get the sandbag with his pole, which is weak and rickety just like him. Before he can get it, J.T. has knocked down his last target to win the game, and Erinn is more happy than anyone else, including J.T. "That was awesome!" she says, downright gleeful. Stephen gives J.T. a big hug, because he knows that this means he gets an overnight trip, too.

Probst asks J.T. who he's sending to Exile. Douche pleads with his eyes not to be sent, but those eyes just can't give orders like they used to. "Any volunteers?" J.T. asks. Hell no. Stephen gives a nod in Douche's direction. Hee hee hee. "Let's be noble, Douche," says J.T., who, as you might recall, nobly gave up an immunity challenge for pizza and also has never been to Exile himself. But still: HAAAA. Probst asks Douche how he feels about this, and Douche says he's going to "take the monastic approach" and purposely go without fire, water, food, or sleep. Okay, you guys, Douche is kind of brilliant. I mean, I never could have thought of a way out of my own bullshit that

quickly. But he's going to totally avoid looking like a clumsy fool with no survival skills by not even trying them and saying it's on purpose. Erinn immediately takes issue with this, shaking her head. "He's gonna take the martyr approach," she titles. She knows that Douche is going to come back all weak from his self-induced fast and "minimize" the experience of those who have gone to Exile before him by basically being the person who had the toughest time out there. This will also, Erinn says, provide Douche with a ready-made excuse for not winning immunity. Stephen and J.T., meanwhile, look kind of grossed out by the display before them as if they weren't all thinking the exact same thing. "Kinda harsh," Douche says. Probst asks if it's true. Douche says he wants Exile to be "tough" on him, but he's not trying to minimize anyone else's experience out there and thinks that Erinn is just trying to cut him down like she has all game to make herself look better. He should have just stopped there, but no. He says that his body is "this close" to "total disaster" with discs on both his right and left sides being all screwed up. Take an anatomy class, Douche. Taj, meanwhile, gets in her first reaction shot to all of this with an awesome eye-roll. "I make no excuses," Douche says, immediately after saying that his asthma is "choking [him] up real bad" (but not bad enough not to keep up with J.T. in the challenge two minutes ago). "You can throw stones at me. You can, everybody else can, and I go like this," he says, tapping his jaw. "Hit me with your best shot, Pat Benetar." She won't be the first great thinker he quotes this week. With that, Douche manages not to rupture any discs in either his left or right spines as he grabs his personal items and leaves for Exile. As soon as he's gone, Probst asks J.T. who he's taking with him on the reward. Of course, J.T. takes Stephen, saying it's because Stephen took him when he won a reward. That also leaves Taj and Erinn behind, hopefully to do some actual plotting against the guys so we can have some kind of strategy this season. Please give me something to work with on Sunday's finale, ladies. On their way out, J.T. gives the post-challenge wrap-up that Erinn just shot herself in the foot with her comments to Douche.

Erinn and Taj return to camp and enjoy the silence that comes from Douche not being around. Taj is happy to see the sun out, saying "there won't be no shade for Douche." Ha! But take note, Erinn: Taj chose the correct time and place for that comment. Taj interviews that she's not worried that Stephen and J.T. are off together because she feels "very confident" in her alliance. Don't be confident, Taj. Even when you're playing with morons. Erinn is starting to feel bad about what she said to Douche. "It was not an appropriate venue," she now realizes. She says she probably should have had the conversation when he got back just between the two of them. But that would have meant having a conversation with Douche, which can't be fun. Of course, Taj encourages Erinn to let her feelings out when and wherever, saying that Douche was a jerk for refusing to eat while saying he had all these injuries that didn't seem to slow him down during the reward challenge. "Had he won, the warrior would've been back!" Taj says. Hee. "I don't understand the man, I don't understand his motives," Erinn says, adding that she's afraid that her outburst will count against her and take her out of the game before Douche. Erinn interviews that her "strategy" is to go as far as possible with J.T. and Stephen. Sigh. Why can't Taj and Erinn team up together? I mean, come on.

And then, Exile. Wouldn't it be awesome if we didn't see any of Douche's Exile adventure? Like, they just cut it out of the show entirely. But no. Instead, we get an epic montage of Douche's journey through Exile. He walks through a puddle. He is condemned to death. He is given his cross. He walks up a sand dune. He falls for the first time. He sees his mother. Simon of Cyrene carries his cross. Veronica wipes his face. A buzzard flies overhead. He falls for the second time. He meets the daughters of Jerusalem. He finds the campsite. He falls for the third time. He is stripped of his clothes. He interviews that Exile will be like "a vacation." He is nailed to the cross. He is happy to be away from the "wishy-washy people back at camp with no character" and refers to himself in the third person. He dies on the cross. He uses like twenty adjectives to describe how awesome he is. His body is removed from the cross. He says he won't eat, just like "the ancient American Indians that are [his] ancestors" who probably didn't have much of a choice whether or not they ate and would have been thrilled to find a bag of rice provided for them. He says that they would commune with nature in the transition from boy to man, then the music abruptly stops and he says he's already a man, so this will just make him more of one. The music returns. He is laid in the tomb. He prays that he can forgive Erinn for her harsh (but so true) words, then tattles on her to his god that she's talking shit about him back at camp right now.

Douche interviews that Erinn called him a martyr, but he isn't a martyr. And then he shows us his new "dragon cane," the only cane worthy of a self-proclaimed dragon slayer. He mumbles something about speaking truth and being eloquent (apparently confusing "eloquent" with "rambling on and on about whatever") and says he hopes Erinn goes home , because he's really not all that forgiving in the end, is he? Referring to himself in the third person again, he says his body is weak but he can still somehow outlast everyone else in this environment that he rallied hard not to be sent to in the first place. And with that, he climbs to the top of the sand dune with his dragon cane while the helicopter circles and does some stupid warrior poses with it. Gross. Go away.

A great silver bird flies across the sky. Inside sit J.T. and Stephen, who are pretty happy with themselves. J.T. calls it the best reward he could have asked for, since he's always dreamed of flying in a private plane. "It was really awesome," he says in his adorable way. And there's the governor's mansion, which I'm sure wasn't built on a lot of cocaine money or anything. The plane lands on a terrifying dirt runway and then they're shown to a nice cabin with hammocks all over the front porch. They get to check out their bed and bathroom, where they see themselves in the mirror for the first time in over thirty days. "Oh my god! This is what I look like. Wow!" Stephen says. He seems surprised that he has a beard, which is kind of weird since you'd think he would have felt it by now. "Look at my hair, man!" J.T. says. Stephen adds that his teeth are looking gross, and I think that would be the one thing I couldn't deal with in this game. I hate, hate, HATE the feeling of unbrushed teeth. J.T. kicks Stephen out so he can take a shower, which he enjoys while quasi-porn music plays in the background.

We don't get to see Stephen's shower, instead cutting to the meal portion of the evening. Stephen and J.T., in bathrobes, sit down to a Brazilian barbecue, which will feature "many kinds of meat," according to the waiter. "Feliz Navidad," J.T. says, as it's the only Spanish phrase he knows. Too bad they speak Portuguese here, J.T. The boys gorge themselves on many kinds of meat, or as Stephen calls it, "a meat festival," which also includes grilled pineapple, which is not a meat. Once they've stuffed themselves, they give themselves a beer toast to being the final two. Never toast to yourself -- that's bad luck. And now it's time to talk strategy. J.T. thinks Douche might be good to take to the Final Three, saying he'd like to get rid of Erinn for her "dumb move" of going after Douche. Stephen interviews that Erinn proved that she "can't really control what she says" and unnecessarily rubbed salt in Douche's wounds. "It kind of makes me want to keep her less," Stephen says. NOOOOO! Stephen, I swear to God, if you vote Erinn out and keep Douche I will ha

te you forever.

And it's time to go back to Exile Island, which we never do except for this time because it's Douche and the editors have decided that if they had to suffer through him all season, then we have to, too. Thanks for that, guys. While buzzards or vultures circle overhead, we see Douche lying in some water, hopefully dead. But no, he's alive. He interviews that he didn't get any sleep, food, or much water. "And it was friggin' awesome," he claims, stroking his dragon cane. He tells the camera about all the exotic places he probably hasn't ever been and says they can add this to his fictional list. He weakly says that his health is continuing to decline and his asthma is definitely a problem, but he's still strong and focused mentally. And he's walking around in his boxer briefs, which I'd rather not see. He quotes Marcus Aurelius (what, no Joan Jett? Nothing from Heart?) and says he's planning on winning immunity today. With that, he gathers up his things and blows the boom mic a kiss.

Immunity challenge! The four players arrive looking strong and determined. Probst calls Douche in, and it's a big old production, with him walking slowly and weakly with the help of his dragon cane and some stupid background music. Taj takes one look at him and nearly does a spit-take. Stephen gives Douche a hug. Taj interviews that Douche came back with a cane and a limp and is clearly "such a drama queen. He's so dramatic. Any thirty-seven year-old man who thinks he's a dragon slayer belongs in a mental institution. They need to come get him. When we have Tribal Council, he'll be free and they can take him home." You guys, Taj is just the best. She was the best when she was in SWV and she is the best still today. That SWV song, "Right Here," the "Human Nature" mix? Still good! I went back and watched the video for old time's sake, and Taj is riding horses and fishing and wearing those high-wasted jean shorts with the cuffs rolled up, so she was totally lying when she said she didn't know anything about living in the outdoors. Probst asks Douche how Exile went, and Douche says he was cold and tired and without food, water, or fire. Cut to Taj, admirably resisting laughing in his face. "I had the best time of my life. It was euphoric," Douche claims. Probst just nods. Erinn smiles. This is exactly what she expected to see and hear.

Probst takes the immunity necklace from Stephen while Douche takes some water, also from Stephen. Probst explains the challenge: each contestant will brace himself between two walls with his hands while his feet will rest on very thin ledges. Every fifteen minutes, the contestant will have to move down to an even thinner foothold until the third one, when it becomes an endurance challenge. This looks like a bad time. Probst says that the winner gets immunity and a 25% chance of winning this game. Douche pounds his fist and closes his eyes while Probst says this as if he hasn't gotten enough attention this week.

With that, the challenge begins. For the first fifteen minutes, everyone's looking pretty chill. No one falls, and then they move down to the foothold. Probst talks to Douche, asking if the time he spent meditating on Exile might have helped him in a challenge like this. Douche starts talking about the feeling in the pit of every man's stomach, and Taj crosses her eyes. God, she is the best. THE BEST. Erinn just laughs. Be careful, Erinn! Giggles can make you fall. Douche claims that he put himself in "the most extreme situation" possible even though he tried really freaking hard to avoid it all game and was sent there by J.T. He concludes that he wanted his mind to tell his body something and I stopped paying attention like ten minutes ago. I just can't take him anymore, guys. I'm sorry.

A cheesy flag wipe takes us to the end of the second fifteen minutes. The contestants move down to the last foothold, and Erinn can't make it. She drops and goes to the bench. Everyone starts to look pained as Probst says this challenge is all mental. It wasn't for Erinn, though. She physically slipped and fell. Stephen is the to go, no doubt weighed down by all that meat. Taj follows him down, but that's okay because she has the hidden immunity idol so she'll be fine. I think this is the last time she can use it, right? I would've been out of that challenge before it even started if I was her. Annoyingly, Douche is still up there. That means it's up to J.T. to win it. Again. "The listener and the talker. The young buck, the older warrior," Probst says. He can't call Douche "old," because Probst is older than he is. J.T. asks Probst if he has any food to bribe him down with. J.T., what the fuck is that? You just had lots of food. Why are you so greedy? It's not like you don't have ample amounts of fat stored up in that belly of yours to burn. Douche tells J.T. to go ahead and step down unless he needs to win to vote Douche out tonight. J.T. can't believe that Douche doesn't trust him. "I trust you implicitly, J.T. You know that," Douche says. Probst says this match up is exactly what Douche claimed he wanted: a battle of the warriors.

Fifty minutes into the challenge, both men are looking pained. J.T. asks if Douche doesn't want to just quit. Douche, who we see is wearing toe rings, which stopped being popular around the time SWV left the charts, says he has "something to prove." "Don't hurt your back anymore," Taj says. And as soon as she mentions his back, Douche sees his out and starts screaming in fake pain, despite those lung issues he claims he has. The music swells to ridiculous levels. Douche falls, and Taj and Erinn try not to look really happy about this. In fact, Taj looks genuinely impressed with how long Douche stayed up there. Probst pronounces J.T. the winner, and then Douche collapses on the ground and curls up in a fetal position. Stephen falls for it, running towards Douche with a concerned "oh my god, man!" Everyone has to gather around Douche, who sobs about his back. And now they all have to help Douche stand up. Except for Erinn, of course. Douche crawls to the bench, and Probst asks if he's okay. Douche weakly wheezes that his back was spasming for the last ten minutes of the challenge. "I felt something go," Douche whines. Yes, I'm sure your back broke. Whatever. Probst asks if Douche wants the doctor to check it out. Douche refuses, of course, since there's nothing actually wrong with him. His take on it, though, is that his back is so bad that medical would immediately order him to leave the game, and since he wants to stay in this game, he begs Probst not to send him to medical. Taj's sympathy just flew out the window, as we see from the look on her face. With that, Probst gives immunity to J.T. and tells everyone to leave. On the way out, Douche asks J.T. if he could've gone a lot longer on the challenge. "Yeah," J.T. says. "I figured that," Douche says. Then he leans on J.T. and his dragon cane to walk back to camp while Stephen gives the post-challenge wrap-up that Douche appeared to really be suffering and he felt bad for him. But he still thinks Douche is a strong competitor, and that's not someone he wants to go to the end with. Way to go, Douche: your only chance to stay in this game was to perform so poorly in both the reward and immunity challenges that everyone would have considered you to be a non-threat and kept you around. Instead, you managed to beat everyone except J.T. and finally, with the physical powerhouse that was Debbie gone, become a target.

Douche is somehow able to walk back to camp unassisted. He tells J.T. that if he was the one who got steak and beer before the challenge, he still wouldn't have won. Okay then, shut up. Let's hear from Erinn instead: "Douche was really ridiculous today." God, yes. She sees right through him -- he acts like he's weak except when he needs to be strong to win a challenge. Then he's weak again. Taj can't figure Douche's strategy out, asking Erinn if he's trying to get sympathy or something. Taj notes that Douche's back seems to be just fine now, as he's walking around upright and gathering

small twigs for firewood. "He's so full of it," she says. Erinn interviews that Douche is obviously not as broken down as he claims and she's ready to see him go. She and Taj have already figured out that Douche didn't want medical to look at his back because they'd say it was fine.

Meanwhile, J.T. and Douche sit by the water. Douche says they had a "classic struggle" and asks J.T. how much longer he could've gone. J.T. says another half hour. Douche launches into yet another stupid speech about how iron sharpens iron in an interview. He waves his buff around like he always does and says he was "honored" by his defeat or whatever. Meanwhile, if any Samurai are watching, please shoot me an email and let me know if it's honorable to cry after losing an epic battle. I'm betting it isn't. J.T. says he and Stephen want Erinn out tonight because of what she said to Douche. Douche interviews that Erinn's comment was "unforgivable" and it's her time to go home. Isn't it funny how every young woman on Douche's tribe, from Candace to Erinn, has managed to say something "unforgivable" about Douche? Douche tells J.T. that "a lot of [his] bravado" is just him trying to prop himself up and say he's "still kind of the man," which is a glimmer of self awareness. Stephen walks down and agrees that he wants Erinn to go because what she said to Douche really made him angry. When she went to Exile, people were nice to her and no one tried to kick her when she was down. What she said to Douche was "tasteless and classless." But also true. So true. Stephen interviews that he and J.T. told Douche that Erinn was going home, and while J.T. intends to vote for Erinn, Stephen isn't sure who he's voting for yet. Douche asks the guys again if they're voting for Erinn, saying he's done with surprises. Douche interviews that his Warrior Alliance is going strong and he's surrounded himself with strong players. Strong players like Stephen, who can't cross a balance beam, and J.T., who only won immunity challenges once every single man with any kind of muscle mass (and Debbie) were safely out of the game. Douche says that with Erinn going home tonight, he'll be the last remaining member of Tempura, which is pretty much his fault for fracturing his tribe so much that a three-person minority tribe could take it down.

The contestants arrive at Tribal. Douche is still toting his stupid stick around. The jury arrives, and what is the deal with Tyson and his insistence on wearing little girl's clothes? It's creepy. Probst talks to Douche first, recapping that when he was chosen to go to Exile, he did his "big thing," as Probst calls it, about how he was going to forgo food and water and fire. Erinn didn't like that. "I didn't," Erinn says. She says that it rubbed her the wrong way and minimized everyone else's Exile experiences. Probst asks if Erinn was thinking of her stay on Exile, which was one of the toughest, and didn't appreciate Douche trying to upstage her with his drama. "Oh god, yeah," Erinn says, adding that her time on Exile sucked and was the worst thing she's ever done. And for Douche to act like that's something fun also sucked. Erinn is still cool, but she might need to work on expanding her vocabulary. Probst asks Douche how he feels about what Erinn just said. Douche would rather talk about himself, though, saying that everyone who's been to Exile had it worse than he did because of his extensive past experience in that kind of situation. What, in being alone? I'll bet he knows a lot about that. Then he starts talking about men dropping pebbles and I stopped paying attention again. Douche says he has nothing left to say, then talks a whole lot more, quoting Mark Twain and whoever else has a quotation in his copy of Bartlett's.

Probst asks Erinn if she's feeling secure tonight. Erinn says she never feels secure, and whoever is going home tonight will probably be surprised. Douche, on the other hand, doesn't think it'll be a surprise. "Based on what?" Probst asks. "Women have great intuition," Douche says. Taj is looking very confused right now. So is Erinn. So is Debbie, but that's how she always looks. "So you're saying it's already been said tonight if we listened?" Probst asks. "Yes," Douche says. Meanwhile, J.T., Stephen, and Taj didn't even get a chance to speak and it's time for the vote. Oh, wait. "One more thing," Douche says, prompting a tremendous eye-roll from Sierra. And then, oh Christ. Douche wrote a poem for everyone to hear.

I'm A Douche

by Douche

With friend and foe we march to the battle plain.

Some to seek success, others to seek fame.

We play with honor, for the love of this game,

and with armor or without, we will toil in vain.

So that someday, someone, somewhere will remember our name.

Whatever. While Douche recites, we get an amazing shot of Brendan and Sierra, who have fallen asleep. Probst can't wait for it to be over even though he knows this is fucking reality TV gold. As soon as Douche finishes, it's time to vote for reals.

J.T. votes for Erinn to ensure that he'll get Douche's vote at the end. Erinn votes for Douche: "dragon slayed," she says. Great. Taj hilariously writes Douche's name as large as possible on her piece of paper. Douche votes for Erinn, surprisingly gracious (yet still, of course, condescending) in saying that she did a good job staying in the game this long. We don't see who Stephen votes for.

Probst grabs the urn and says tonight is the last night to play the hidden idol. Taj ... does not play it. Wow. That's either awesome or really stupid. That means we had an entire season with no tribe switches or hidden idols. Kind of like the first season all over again, but about 5% as interesting. Probst reads the votes. One for Douche. One for Erinn. J.T. has a huge bug crawling on his shoulder. Two for Erinn. Two for Douche, who looks angry even though we know he knew this would probably be coming. The jury wakes up. And the last vote ... IS FOR DOUCHE!! YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

YES

YES

YESYESYESGOAWAY

I wrote a poem. It's a haiku, in honor of the ancient Samurai:

You Are A Douche

by Sara M

A HA HA HA HA

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

HA HA HA HA DIIIIEEEEEEEE!

I got a little carried away at the end there, sorry. Sierra looks thrilled to see Douche go. Um, Sierra? Guess what -- he's going to the Loser's Lodge. With you. Yeah. Not so happy now, are you? The rest of the jury knows this and looks very sad indeed. Douche nods sagely and stands with his bad back. "It was an honor, guys," he mumbles; "thank you." GAHHHHSHUTUP. Probst extinguishes his torch, and Douche does some stupid forehead touch gesture. Everyone waves. Taj and Erinn are smiling. J.T. looks angry, but that might just be for show. I really think he knew Stephen was going to vote for Douche, but I guess we'll know for sure in the episode. In his parting words, Douche says he's sad that someone in his warrior alliance turned, and guesses it was Stephen, who is not a "white wizard," (racism?) but an "evil wizard." Confusing reality with his little fantasy books until the end. I was really hoping he would say "guess what? I was playing a character this whole time, even in my interviews. You all fell for it. HAHAHAHAHA I'm really a totally normal guy and not a blowhard dick at all." That would have been the best blindside ever.

You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, which she occasionally updates when she has something to complain about. Or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.

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