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Another week, another chance to vote Douche out, and another missed freaking opportunity. Debbie almost wins a place in my heart by rallying for a Douche boot from the beginning while Douche is furious that Taj and Erinn dared not to vote Sierra out last night and mutters about them being cowards. Because voting for Stephen or Debbie is cowardly while voting with the majority against Sierra is really brave. Then it's time for the auction reward, which Probst is so bored with that he only puts four items up for bid, the last one being a phone that makes this a dual-action auction/family reward challenge. Everyone gives Taj the chance to see her family over the phone, and then Probst gives her a choice: she can either hang out with her husband Football Player Eddie George at Camp Forza, or she can hang out with him at Exile and everyone else gets to see his loved one back at camp. She chooses to go to Exile, of course, and Football Player Eddie George finds his wife to be sexy, skinny, and smelly. Back at camp, Stephen sees his brother, J.T. sees his little sister, Erinn sees her dad, Debbie sees her husband, and Douche sees … his nameless assistant coach. This would be sad if I didn't hate Douche so very much. There is much crying, and then it's over to the immunity challenge, an obstacle course/memory/math skills test that Stephen wins despite sucking out at the physical aspect of the challenge. Back at camp, J.T. and Stephen are still very much in control of the game, as everyone else is too stupid or too blindly loyal to try to assemble the other four against them. At Tribal, there is much making fun of Douche from the jury and Probst, but he only gets one vote from Debbie, who is voted out by everyone except the alliancemate she turned against.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!After yet another Tribal Council that didn't end in Douche being voted out, the tribe returns to camp. Stephen congratulates everyone on making it to the Final Six, and J.T. says he's happy "the drama's gone" because he doesn't understand how this show works. Douche stays quiet until he gets in front of a camera, where he interviews that Erinn and Taj "took the cowardly way out" by voting for Debbie and Stephen, neither of whom "deserve" to be voted out. I'll agree with him there, but only because there's one person who deserves to be voted out and that's Douche, and his deserving of said votes is based solely on how much I hate him and want him off my TV screen. Douche runs over to Debbie and says that Erinn and Taj "need to be cut off at the kneecaps" and his stupid non-existent Warrior Alliance needs to step up and take some swift and decisive action. "There's a reason why we have the name," Douche says, forgetting that he's the one who gave them that name and also the only person who calls them that. Douche interviews that "people who don't play this game even half as honestly as me, even half as bold as me ... pisses me off." I'm not sure what he's even talking about, since how were Erinn and Taj's votes not honest or bold? If anything, their votes were more honest than anyone else's, since they refused to vote for Sierra because they knew she was telling the truth. "I have two words for you: Taj and Erinn," Douche says to Debbie, managing to play not honestly right there since he said he was going to use two words and actually used three. He wants to "run them through with a sword," presumably after said sword cuts them off at the kneecaps. He wants Taj out . Debbie gently urges Douche to "let it go or it's gonna drive you nuts," adorably implying that Douche isn't nuts already. But Douche does not let it go, of course, so Debbie gets fed up and walks away. She then interviews that Douche can't let anything go and it's getting really old. No shit, Debs. Don't you try to win me over with your anti-Douche talk now after aligning with him for the last ten episodes. You might be forgetful enough not to remember simple conversations with Sierra that took place the day before, but I remember all, and I hold grudges. Debbie runs to the shelter to let everyone know that Douche is very upset with how the vote went because she might be a flake, but she's still with it enough to know that it's between her and Douche for who's going home , and she wants to make sure it'll be him. Meanwhile, the blissfully unaware Douche sits around muttering "cowards, cowards, cowards all around me" to himself like the crazy guy I saw on the street the other day. Douche interviews that he doesn't care about the million dollars -- he cares about changing this game and playing with integrity, which is kind of sad since that million dollars is the only thing on that list he's capable of achieving at this point.
The morning, J.T. gets up early to start the fire while Douche and Debbie, those proud strong warriors, totally sleep in. Debbie interviews that she's starting to realize that her game-long alliance with Douche is no longer beneficial. We see Taj manage to start the fire where J.T. apparently could not (impressive!!) as Debbie says that Douche is sucking out at the social aspect of this game and could drag her down with him. "I gotta step up," she says. And by "step up," she means "step on her alliancemate." And since that alliancemate is Douche, she has my full support. She talks to Taj and J.T. and says she's "second guessing" things. She vaguely talks about getting rid of Douche and asks Taj and J.T. if they feel the same way. Taj doesn't say much as she breaks up a bunch of sticks and manages to hit herself in the face with one. J.T. is non-committal. He's not stupid, though, and sees what Debbie's trying to do. He interviews that she's scared and she's scrambling, which is not a good thing for him. Guess you should've kept Sierra and voted Debbie out, J.T.
J.T. and Stephen have a conference about Debbie. Stephen agrees that she's becoming very unpleasant around camp and launches into an unflattering but funny impression of her that J.T. joins in on. Whoops! Here comes Debbie, saying she thinks they're talking about her although I don't think she heard what they were saying. She says that she wants to make sure that they know that Douche doesn't speak for her and her alliance is to Stephen and J.T., neither of whom seem particularly thrilled at the prospect. She says they can trust her because she's giving them her "pinky swear word on that." I don't even think that works on the middle schoolers she supposedly is the principal to, although that probably doesn't stop her from trying. Has anyone tried to promise loyalty with a pinkie swear on this show before? How about anyone over the age of thirty? How embarrassing. Everyone hugs, and Stephen is looking so done with Debbie that I can't believe she doesn't realize it. He interviews that Debbie is "a very strategic player" that everyone else tends to underestimate. This worries him, probably because if Debbie is a strategic player, it would make her the only one left besides Stephen himself.
Whatever! It's time for the Survivor auction! Each contestant gets $500 US dollars to bid on food items in $20 increments. Neither the money nor the food can be shared. Debbie claims she understands this, and the auction begins with a plate of fries. She startles Taj with her excited outburst and the bidding begins. Taj bids $40, and Debbie bids $50, prompting a hilarious "you cannot be serious with such foolishness" double take from Taj. Probst gently reminds Debbie that bidding has to be in $20 increments. "Uh ... $70!" Debbie says. Wow. Taj's expression is once again awesome as she displays horror for the future of the students at Debbie's middle school. Erinn busts out laughing, which is pretty much all she'll be doing on today's show, which is kind of awesome. She must be having the best time out there out of anybody, just sitting back and laughing at all the idiots that surround her. Debbie continues not to understand the concept of this auction, forcing Probst to bid the $60 for her. Douche and Taj place bids, and then Debbie finally figures this thing out in time to win the fries for $120.
The item is a plate of chicken parmesan that looks like it's been sitting out for a while, garlic bread, and a glass of red wine. We all know how much Douche loves Italian food (see the immunity challenge he quit for pizza), and he immediately bids $100. This confuses Debbie, so she doesn't bid. Stephen bets $120, and Douche goes for $200. J.T. bids $300, so maybe Debbie isn't the only person who doesn't know how to add in multiples of 20. Douche bids $320, and that takes it. Douche accuses Probst of hesitating before smacking the gavel down and giving Douche the auction win over and over again until Erinn finally yells at him to shut up and eat his food. She's awesome.
The third item is a mystery, and Stephen and J.T. get into a weak bidding war for it that J.T. wins for just $160. His prize is a bowl of nachos topped with congealed cheese and side bowls of guacamole and salsa. He's pretty happy with it.
The fourth item is another mystery. Stephen bids $20 on it, and J.T. bids against him just because no one else will. Stephen gets it for $100 after J.T. says he'll "let it go" for such a low price because it's Stephen. "Thank you," Stephen says, not exactly thrilled that J.T. is announcing their alliance to all, or that he didn't let him get the prize for just $20. And what did he win? Probst starts off by saying "it's a delicacy," which Stephen knows is a bad, bad sign. He gets a skewer of cooked chicken hearts. Erinn screams while the background music turns scary. But Stephen is probably glad he's not eating boiled bat or spider or whatever and eats the hearts happily. Hey -- it's protein. Erinn gets over her terror enough to ask Stephen if the hearts taste good. He turns around with a hilarious rictus smile and a sarcastic thumbs-up.
Probst announces that the fifth item will be the last, much to J.T.'s chagrin since he was clearly hoping something beef-related would be served tonight. But no, Probst is apparently over the Survivor auction so that's all we'll get. What a rip-off. Not even the traditional giant chocolate cake? Or a plate of cookies? The last item isn't even food, but a product placement phone with a video message from home on it. Taj immediately starts crying. Probst says that only one person may win, but other contestants can give him or her money if they wish. J.T. immediately reaches into his pocket and gives Taj all of his money, even though he really only needs to give her $20 for her to have the $520 that will guarantee the win. Erinn and Debbie pass some money over, too, and that just makes Taj cry harder. Probst notes that this is an extraordinary act of kindness in what is usually a mean game and asks what that means. I think it means that we're playing with some very boring people, but Erinn says that Taj and Debbie are the only contestants remaining who have children, and Taj's is just a little baby. Way to wrap your kind deed in a guilt trip, Erinn. No, really -- that was pretty cool. Probst says that Taj won't even have to bid, which is a good thing since she's too overcome to really speak. Debbie sobs that Taj should go enjoy her prize. Stephen has a hand on Taj's shoulder. Awww, everyone is shown being sweet to Taj except for Douche who wants to cut her legs off. Probst puts the item up for bid anyway, and Taj just gives him all the money. Probst gets all technical and says she won it for $20, so that's all she has to give him. Well, I hope everyone got their money back, then. Taj slaps down the bill, and here comes Football Star Eddie George and the rest of the family sitting in Taj's mansion living room. There's Taj's son (he looks a little bit older than the baby Erinn claimed he was), a dog, and some other woman who is not a bandmate from SWV so who cares about her. Football Star Eddie George says they miss her and the mansion isn't the same without her, but everything is fine at home so she shouldn't worry. Debbie and Erinn cry along with Taj, and with a "see you back at camp!" Football Star Eddie George kisses the camera and the video is over. Taj collapses on Probst's podium, and he asks her if she heard the last thing Football Star Eddie George said. It takes Taj a minute, but she suddenly jumps up and screams "SEE YOU BACK AT THE CAMP OH MY GOD!!!!!" while yanking Probst's arm out of its socket. Taj runs back to hug her tribemates for giving her a family visit over their own chance at one, which they might not have done if they knew this would happen, and Probst says it's not quite that simple. Of course not. Taj will be the only person to have her loved one visit camp UNLESS she makes a sacrifice that will allow everyone else to have his loved one at camp instead. Yo, this sounds like it's going to be insanely mean, but it turns out that even reality show producers' hearts aren't entirely made of stone and the deal is that if Taj goes to Exile Island with Football Star Eddie George, then everyone else's loved one will be back at the camp. It's not exactly the "ultimate sacrifice" the title of this show promised, but that's okay with me. I don't need my reality shows to be inhumanely cruel by withholding loved ones like that. Taj agrees to it in a second, and now everyone is happy, even Douche! Taj practically sprints off to Exile, and we get a slow-motion replay of her excited assault on Probst to take us into the commercial.
Two owls nuzzle each other as Taj arrives at Exile Island. And there he is, Football Star Eddie George! There is much screaming and hugging and even some kissing despite the fact that Taj has not brushed her teeth in over a month. Taj, now wearing Football Star Eddie George's nice clean T-shirt, interviews that when she saw her husband, she wanted a conjugal visit. I have to wonder if he felt the same way. On one hand, she looks great an
d they haven't seen each other in weeks. On the other, she's dirty and has been without soap and toilet paper for a long time. To really turn her husband on, Taj shows off her bug bites, but all Football Star Eddie George can see is the weight she lost. "She looks great!" he says. I love that his name text calls him "Eddie George" while everyone else's loved one usually just gets a first name or no name at all. He says she's dirty and doesn't smell too great, but there's something about her wild look that turns him on.
The rest of Forza return to camp, and there are the loved ones! Debbie runs into her husband's arms and all but mounts him. Erinn hugs her dad, but not with the same leg-wrapping intensity of Debbie, of course. Stephen hugs his brother, and J.T. hugs his little sister and totally starts to cry. Awww! Stephen's brother looks nothing like Stephen, and Stephen tearfully interviews that their hug was one of the closest and warmest hugs they've ever had. J.T. says seeing his little sister was "huge" and gives her Douche's immunity necklace to try on, which Douche won't appreciate one bit. Warriors don't share. "It looks nice on you," J.T. says, all awkward older brother. Stephen's brother begs Stephen not to eat him. Heh. Erinn shows her father around the camp and interviews that he wasn't used to seeing his usually dressed-up girly-girl daughter roughing it in the outdoors.
And then there's Douche. I was terrified when I realized that it was family visit time (I'd forgotten all about it) and that I'd have to actually meet a member of Douche's family. I was afraid for nothing, as Douche's "loved one" turns out to be one of his assistant coaches. I wonder what the story is there, but I'll bet it has a sad ending. Maybe he thought having the assistant coach visit would really cement his role as a coach to the rest of his tribe. Or maybe his family can't stand him any more than I can. It makes me feel sorry for Douche, even when he tells his assistant coach that his tribemates call him "the dragonslayer." As we all know, only Douche calls himself that. But he probably thinks that everyone else does, too. I don't think I can hate Douche anymore. It's not right to blame a crazy person for things he can't help. "I'm running this freaking show, let me tell you that right now!" he says; "I think I'm gonna be in the Final Two." Assistant Douche mutters something and then Douche interviews that if he was given the choice between filet mignon and seeing his Assistant Douche for ten minutes, he'd choose the ten minutes. Okay, but what if the choice was between a ten minute visit and pizza? Oh, and what will Douche and Assistant Douche be doing with their together time? Stretches and back re-alignments that Douche makes sure to tell the camera are not "weird sexual positions." I'd rather have people think I was homosexual than so pathetic that the only people I could convince to come out and visit me were my employees.
Back among the normal people with actual loved ones, J.T. cuts some Brazilian nut/fruit thing open and offers it to his sister to try. She's not into it. Erinn's dad takes a bite, and he's not thrilled.
Over at Exile, Taj is warning Football Star Eddie George to watch out for scorpions. "Scorpions, huh?" he says, looking about as happy as you'd expect. "They're more afraid of you than you are of them," Taj says causally. In my case, at least, this is simply not true. Football Star Eddie George says that despite playing against all kinds of intimidating football players in his career, he's still not thrilled to come face-to-face with snakes, spiders, and scorpions. Whatever, have you guys seen Football Star Eddie George's shoulders? Damn. And look at this woodsman! He starts a fire seemingly effortlessly. "That's my man!" Taj says proudly. Football Star Eddie George says that seeing what Taj has gone through over the past thirty-one days has given him a newfound respect for his wife. He gives her a foot massage for her efforts and is now the perfect husband. Taj and Football Star Eddie George take the obligatory walk up the dune to check out the view as Taj says her husband is the love of her life.
Meanwhile, Stephen is crying while his brother rubs his back and says he's doing a great job. Stephen says the family visit makes it hard to keep the people he misses back home out of his mind, which you have to do in this game. Now he misses everyone. J.T. asks his sister about someone named Jamie, noting that he never thought he'd miss his family so much. Both J.T. and his sister wish he was back home with the cows. That's pretty much what I expected from J.T.'s family visit. Debbie sobs that being out here has changed her and she won't take things for granted anymore. Her husband isn't much of a talker. Debbie interviews that she and her husband love each other very much and it meant a lot to her that he came out to support her, as if he'd pass up a free trip to Brazil. I sure wouldn't. Unless it was to visit Douche, of course. Which probably explains why his actual loved ones aren't here. Erinn tells her dad that she's a "total badass" now and interviews that it was great to have someone out here who is fully on her side and won't use anything she says against her. With that, it's time for everyone to go. Douche hugs his Assistant Douche good-bye, and Erinn tells her dad not to let her mother know how skinny she got. Aww, Erinn doesn't want her mom to worry. And over at Exile, Taj and Football Star Eddie George must also part ways.
After the break, it's the morning and it's right back to business. Debbie approaches J.T. and says she wants to talk to him about how they can vote Douche out tonight. J.T. interviews that Debbie's really playing the game now, and taking Douche out is part of her game. And since she's been tight with him since the first day, that tells J.T. that Debbie would turn on anyone. Yeah, that's one drawback to distancing yourself from your alliancemate. Douche, meanwhile, wants Taj to go, saying that she's especially dangerous since she's in possession of the immunity idol and could use it against Douche or J.T. J.T. agrees with him and says he'll talk to Stephen about it. Douche leaves to get some more firewood, and J.T. interviews that he and Douche have different strategies at this point, although only one of them actually knows that. He tells Douche what he wants to hear to keep him placated. He's been doing that for over a week now, and Douche still hasn't caught on.
As soon as Douche leaves, Debbie gets Erinn, J.T., and Stephen together to talk strategy. She asks Erinn what she's thinking right now, and Erinn is hesitant to answer, which should kind of set off some warning bells in Debbie's head. Erinn is obviously being very careful with what she says in front of Debbie, which means she's hiding something from Debbie. J.T. puts in that he wants Douche out , and Erinn agrees with him. "He definitely don't do nothing around camp," J.T. says. That's such a lie. I've seen Douche collect small twigs for firewood like twice now! And don't forget how awesome he is at cooking beans. Stephen says he's ready for Douche to leave. Well, I was ready for Douche to leave months ago and I really don't appreciate it taking this long for the rest of these people to catch on. Debbie says it'll have to be a blindside, and they'll all have to vote for Douche because he'll be furious and/or devastated to be voted out. I think Debbie's trying to say no more throwaway votes to try to win Douche's jury vote like Taj and Erinn probably did last week when they didn't vote for Sierra. Debbie interviews the word around camp is that Douche is going home . Is that really the word around camp, or is it the word around Debbie? Debbie says the plan is to tell Douche that they're voting for Taj and blindside him. Debbie continues that Douche is driving everyone in camp crazy, and he has no alliance left.
Erinn walks away, and now there's yet another talk between Debbie, Stephen, and J.T. about getting rid of Douche. She once again rallies for him to go, then says Erinn after him and finally Taj. What makes Debbie think she's so special to J.T. and Stephen that they'd want to keep her over any of those people? She doesn't have the game-long bond with them that Taj has. She's not a good person to go to the finals against like Erinn and Douche (as much as I hate to admit it) are. She tries to claim that she'll give them loyalty to the point that she'd rather see them win than her and would give them immunity to make that happen at the cost of her own place in the game. Yeah, except that she wouldn't and everyone knows that. She's promising things that she'd be insane to follow through on and treating Stephen and J.T. like naïve idiots. Way to play, Debs. J.T. and Stephen play along, calling Debbie an awesome person for saying she'd make such a sacrifice. Stephen interviews that you can't trust anyone's promises out here, especially someone like Debbie that he's only known for ten days. But it's not just a promise, Stephen -- it's a pinky swear. Everyone knows you can't break that. Swear on the life of your kids, sure. Swear to God, of course. But pinky swear? No, that's serious business. Stephen then claims that Debbie's offer to give him and J.T. the final two is an attractive one, because either he's gone insane or the producers told him to talk as if he didn't think that was a line of bullshit.
Stephen, J.T., and Erinn take a walk and discuss Debbie. There's a shot of a praying mantis that should tell you all you need to know about what the editors think of Debbie's promises. J.T. tells Erinn about Debbie's promise to give him immunity. "Yeah, okay, she's out," Erinn says immediately. Heh. J.T. interviews that if Debbie can promise something insane like immunity to him and Stephen, then she can and probably has promised things to other people, too. "Nobody wants third place in this game," he says. "She goes. Do not let her win immunity," Erinn says. I could not be more angry at Debbie for basically ensuring that she'll be voted out tonight and Douche will stay at least another week. She sucks.
Immunity Challenge! The tribe walks in and Taj returns from Exile wearing her new shirt. She gets a round of applause from everyone and hugs from Douche even though he was so mad at her for her cowardly vote for Debbie and lack of integrity. Probst takes the necklace back from Douche, who makes Probst remove it from around his neck, much to Probst's annoyance. Everyone else just takes the necklace off and hands it to Probst, but not Douche. Never Douche. Probst explains the challenge: each contestant must race through an obstacle course, consisting of a sand pit to tunnel through, a balance beam, and a rope crawl, to a sequence of ten math symbols. The contestants must memorize as many as possible and race back through the course and write them down on a chalkboard with numbers on it. When all the symbols have been placed between all the numbers, the contestant must do the math and solve the equation. Judging by her math skills during the auction, I think it's safe to say that Debbie is right out of this one. In fact, they're all going to struggle if their performance when Probst asks them to do the math and say what their chances of winning this game will be if they win immunity is any clue, as they just stand there looking at Probst blankly for a while until Taj and J.T. finally come up with the right answer.
The contestants line up, and Probst calls go. J.T. is the first to try to crawl through his tunnel, and he gets stuck halfway through and has to use his elbows to dig his way out. Taj tries , and also gets stuck. J.T. makes it through his tunnel, past the balance beam, and under the rope crawl effortlessly and starts trying to memorize. While he's up there, Debbie makes it through the sand pit and a boob makes it out of her top. As Douche makes it through his tunnel, J.T. is back at the start, writing down the symbols. Taj and Stephen finally escape their tunnels, leaving skinny little Erinn as the only one still stuck at the start. Stephen gets stuck at the balance beam section, falling off his beam over and over again, while J.T. heads back out to memorize the rest of the symbols. Meanwhile, Debbie is on her way back to her board and Douche and Taj are at the memorization station.
As J.T. heads back for the second time, Erinn finally gets through her tunnel and Stephen finally makes it across the balance beam. But J.T.'s got all his symbols on the board and just has to do the math now, so it looks like he's going to win this one for sure. Hilariously, he's written the order of operations down on his board as if he was expecting to see some tricky math stuff out there. There are no parentheses, J.T., so just go from left to right! After a while at the memorization station, Stephen finally makes his way back to his board. But J.T. and now Debbie have all the symbols on their boards and are doing the math at this point. With his face full of sand, Stephen starts writing down what he memorized -- which would be all ten symbols. And considering what a terrible job he did on that balance beam, this is a good plan. He knew he wouldn't get another chance to go back to the memorization station. J.T. is almost done with his equation when Stephen races past him and asks Probst to check. And he's right! That's pretty freaking impressive. Stephen is shocked to have actually won immunity, although considering that our last two winners of this prize were Debbie and Douche, it's really not such a big deal anymore.
After everyone (except Douche, who is lying on the ground in defeat) is done congratulating Stephen, Probst asks him how he memorized all ten symbols. I think I could do it in one try, but I also have a photographic memory. Then again, I don't know how well it would work after thirty-two days of starving. Stephen had a clever trick -- he assigned a number to each symbol and then memorized the resulting ten-digit number in two parts, since he knew that the brain is capable of memorizing a seven-digit number and that's why our phone numbers have seven digits. Basically, he memorized two five-digit numbers. And then he did the math part really fast, as we all saw. Probst congratulates Stephen on an impressive come-from-behind victory and puts the necklace around his neck. J.T. provides us with the post-challenge wrap-up, saying that Stephen winning the necklace was just like J.T. winning it himself, which he would have done if Stephen wasn't such a math stud. "We can do this," says J.T., who seems to have forgotten that Survivor is not a team sport.
The tribe returns to camp. Everyone once again congratulates Stephen on his impressive immunity win and then the former members of Jalapeño all head for the water to wash the sand off/continue to run this game. Stephen interviews that they expected to come into the merge and be picked off one by one, only to find themselves in total control of this game with individual members of Tempura coming to them. "We feel pretty good about it," Stephen says. I suppose they should, but this really says more about how much Tempura sucks than anything Jalapeño did right. While flies vie for the attention of an alligator, J.T. and Stephen tell Taj all about Debbie's promise to give them immunity and take third place and then how they turned around and told Erinn about it so she'd be on their side to vote Debbie out ASAP. Taj just laughs at how stupid everyone is and says she told her husband, Football Star Eddie George, that she had two brothers on her side keeping her safe in the game. J.T. interviews that he's happy to have Taj on their side, but he seems to consider him and Stephen to be the core alliance.
Taj disappears, and Stephen and J.T. discuss Debbie. Stephen now seems to think that getting rid of Debbie is not a good idea, then interviews that she's a strong worker and a positive presence around camp (except, you know, when she's throwing her nearest and dearest friend under the bus to save her own skin) and he thinks she really would give up the immunity and take third place so that J.T. and Stephen could win. Whoa, there, Stephen. Don't let the immunity win and all the congratulations for it go to your head. People around camp seem to like you, but not that much.
Oh, yuck. Douche decides to join J.T. and Stephen at the waterfront. Stephen interviews that one compelling reason to keep Debbie in the game is that it'd mean voting Douche out tonight. Douche talks strategy, saying that Taj definitely needs to go just in case she has the idol. J.T. agrees, and says their alliance of four has the numbers to take out Taj or whatever. He then interviews that it's "hard to deal with" Douche when he's constantly looking for reassurance that everything is going according to his plans because it means J.T. has to lie to him, and J.T. doesn't like lying. But at least he can admit he's doing it, which is more than I can say for Douche or Debbie. Douche then decides to "throw a reality check" on Stephen and J.T. that one of the three of them is going to win this season of Survivor. LOL, Douche having anything to do with reality checks. J.T. says he wants to get rid of the people he has to lie to as soon as possible. Don't tease me, J.T.
J.T. and Stephen head over to fill up the water jug. They talk about their plans tonight and hope whatever move they're about to make is the right one. J.T. says he trusts Stephen one hundred percent and that Stephen trusts him just as much, which has got to be leading up to the horrible inevitable blow-out between them whenever Stephen decides to make his move against J.T. "Right now, we have played an awesome game," Stephen pats himself on the back once again. And also once again, I have to point out that their success on this season has much more to do with their opponents being morons than them being master strategists. That said, I do think Stephen is really good at this. But we'll never know how good, since he's playing with idiots that anyone with half a brain could outsmart. Stephen notes that no one wants to vote them out. J.T. agrees, but has no idea why people haven't wised up to them yet. Stephen
says everyone is working hard to get on their good side rather than trying to get a group together that could overthrow them. Stephen interviews that as long as their alliance remains strong, they'll just continue to pick their opponents off one-by-one. Well, that should make for a very exciting FOUR HOURS OF SHOW week.
And then we head to Tribal Council. Douche does some stupid dance around his torch and then the jury is called in. They're all wearing Douche feathers in their hair and have their coats draped over their right shoulders. Erinn cracks up, because she gets the joke. Douche probably doesn't. If he does, then he doesn't think it's a joke but an ode to his awesome warriorness. Either way, this might be the first time a jury has so blatantly made fun of a contestant. It probably shouldn't be allowed, but obviously the people who make the rules hate Douche as much as the rest of us. Probst starts right in on Douche, asking him who among the five contestants he considers to be the best players he wants to go to the end with. Douche launches into an explanation of how he defines a warrior. Instead of just saying "someone who I think is in my personal alliance. Antonym: cancer, defined as someone who is against me." Douche says that Stephen has gone from "a boy who likes to read books about adventure" to a man who lives it. If you like to read books about adventure, why not consider the (self-published) book some guy wrote based on Douche's supposed journals of his kayaking adventure that he found lying in some Amazon riverbank or something. Speaking of the Amazon, it's available at Amazon.com right now! Only $17.05. The book's own author rated it five stars, so you know it has to be good.
Probst shuts Douche up to ask him what makes Debbie a warrior. Douche says that she's playing this game "for integrity" just like he is and Debbie looks just a little bit guilty. But not that guilty, really, and she'll just forget all the shady stuff she did by tomorrow anyway and claim that she played honestly and truly the entire time. Probst asks why that makes her worthy of making it to the end. Douche says they've been together since Day Three. "I trust her implicitly," Douche says; "she will not lie to me in this game." Everyone he's said that about has lied to him, but he doesn't seem to realize that.
Probst turns to Taj and asks her if announcing that you're paired up with someone since Day Three is wise in this game. Taj says everyone teams up like that because that's how you survive out here, which Douche has done a "great job" at. These people are talking about Douche like he's the special kid in school who can't do whatever everyone else can, but tries really hard anyway. "He's a warrior, he's a dragonslayer," she says, marking the first time I believe another contestant has called Douche this. Probst quickly clears up that Taj only called Douche those things because he calls himself that. "I didn't come up with that, by the way," Douche claims. Probst jumps right on that, asking if a chief in a small village gave him that name. Erinn doubles over with laughter while the rest of the contestants try a bit harder to contain themselves. Over on the jury panel, Sierra is applauding Probst. All that work she put into getting the entire jury to make fun of Douche, and Probst still one-upped her. Has any single contestant been the butt of so many jokes in one Tribal Council like this? Maybe Erik when he gave up immunity and then was voted out, but even then it was about him being young and naïve and making a bone-headed move. This is more about Douche's entire life being a sad pathetic joke that everyone is in on except for him. Well, him and that town that let him swoop in and start a garage symphony. While Sierra harkens back to the early nineties with a "gag me!" gesture, Douche says that Probst tries to cut him down in every Tribal Council, but he loves it. And by "it," he means "attention." "Okay," Probst says, hopefully feeling a little bit ashamed of himself for shooting at such an easy target.
Probst keeps right on talking to Douche, asking him what makes Taj the best person to go to the end. Since Douche is honest and true and plays with integrity, he says that Taj is not the best person to go to the end and needs to be cut off at the knees tonight. Ha ha, not really. He totally lies and says that Taj's "raw emotions" at the auction and her "ultimate sacrifice" of leaving her young son behind to do this show and losing precious time with him that she'll "never get back" is somehow incredible. LOL. Douche just said that Taj's abandoning of her young son in order to get on TV and possibly win a million dollars that she doesn't even need is a good thing. He accidentally just gave her the most passive-aggressive compliment ever. Probst asks Douche if it would be hard to vote Taj out tonight after she "sacrificed" so much to give everyone else time with their loved ones. Except that she didn't because she still got to see her husband and they had a romantic Exile adventure! Douche says it would be difficult for anyone to vote Taj out after that.
Probst goes to J.T. and asks him if Douche is one of the best that should be taken to the end. Obviously, he's asking J.T. this question because he considers J.T. to be the best even though J.T. is worse at immunity challenges than just about everyone else at this point. While everyone makes faces, J.T. says that anyone who is as honest as Douche and puts himself out there deserves to go as far as possible in this game. Douche puts on his self-satisfied smile. Probst turns to Debbie and asks her what could be preventing Douche from making it to the end. Debbie says that Douche's honesty might work against him in a game like this. Um, does the entire Tribal Council really have to be all about Douche? Aren't there five other people in this game?
Probst asks Erinn if tonight's vote will be a surprise. Erinn says maybe. Probst asks Debbie how tonight's vote will change the game. Debbie thinks carefully before saying it'll "change the way this tribe behaves" and will be a surprise. With that, it's time to vote.
Douche votes for Taj, calling her a "beautiful soul" as if he'd know. We get a shot of Taj looking nervous. Then Brendan and Sierra do a synchronized coat-over-the-shoulder Douche move and she starts laughing. Douche walks past them, also with his coat over his shoulder. While Erinn votes, Douche puts his coat back on. I can feel sad for him and still think he's a total douche for taking his jacket off and draping it over his shoulder for no reason other than to strike a pose out of a J.C. Penny catalogue. Debbie votes for Douche, saying the game is changing and playing with honesty and integrity is not possible anymore. Whatever. After spending the entire Tribal Council focused on Douche, it's pretty obvious that he's safe tonight. Also, how can Debbie honestly think that Douche has played this game honestly and with integrity when she knows that they both lied about Sierra? These people are insane. The most boring insane people ever.
Probst gets the urn and asks if anyone wants to play her idol. Taj stays seated, which pleases Douche as he thinks she's about to regret that move very much. The first vote is for Taj, who doesn't look at all concerned. Douche smiles. His grin fades when the second vote is revealed to be for him. And then there's a vote for Debbie, and her little grin disappears. Debbie gets a second vote and realizes that she's done. Meanwhile, Douche tries to figure out who voted for him. When Debbie gets a third vote, she's out. Douche seems to have realized that everyone voted for Debbie except for him and Debbie. And since he voted for Taj, that means she voted for him. Betrayal! And after all that stuff he said about her being honest and full of integrity. Shame on you, Debbie, for being voted out by everyone except the person you were hating on and scheming against all episode. Double shame on you for not actually succeeding and finally ridding us of Douche.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, which she occasionally updates when she has something to complain about. Or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.
See why we'd like to send Douche to the Donald!