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Following Tyson's boot, Douche and Debbie start to realize that their alliance with the former members of Jalapeño might not be the best idea, since they're totally outnumbered and their alliancemates have lied to them once already. J.T. and Stephen play it off like they voted Tyson out because it was in everyone's best interests and Douche and Debbie seem to believe them, which only serves to make Stephen more suspicious of their intentions now. Then they head to the reward challenge, where everyone has to answer questions that basically spell out who is liked and who is not. Hilariously, the majority (including Douche) say that Douche has not lived up to his potential. Sierra is clearly hated by all, and Stephen wins a visit to a Brazilian house and hot springs. He chooses to take Taj and J.T. with him and send Erinn to Exile. Stupidly, this leaves Douche, Debbie, and Sierra alone at camp to try to plot against Jalapeño. But they're even stupider than Stephen is, as Douche and Debbie immediately approach Sierra to re-form a Tempura alliance and Sierra decides that she has no reason to be loyal to the people who have pretty much been against her all game. Debbie throws a fit and leaves, and Douche seems pretty certain that his and Debbie's alliance with Stephen and J.T. is unshakable despite all evidence to the contrary. When the Jalapeño members return, Douche immediately takes J.T. aside to lie that Sierra tried to get a Tempura alliance together that he steadfastly refused. Meanwhile, Sierra is telling Stephen pretty much the same thing, except her version is the truth. Stephen and J.T. compare notes and decide that they don't know who to trust. Then Douche wins the immunity challenge and I don't really care what happens , since he won't be leaving tonight. Back at camp, Sierra finds out that Douche is lying about her and decides to lay it all out in the open. Douche insists that she approached him about an alliance and he said no, and J.T., Stephen, and Taj seem pretty sure that he's lying. Then Debbie ends the drama by crying a lot. It looks like she'll be the one voted out tonight, but when the votes are read, it's Sierra heading to the jury, despite an impressive and pretty awesome stand against Douche during Tribal Council.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!The contestants return to camp under the light of another giant moon. Sierra interviews that she was not expecting to be back at camp tonight, and that's got to be a little bit of a disappointment considering that she probably just spent the last three days consoling herself over her inevitable boot by thinking of all the delicious food she was going to eat and the shower she was going to have and the bed she was going to sleep in. She says she couldn't have asked for a better Tribal Council, but that's not true. The best Tribal Council in the history of this show will be the one that sends Douche home. PLEASE let it be tonight.
J.T. turns around and starts spinning things expertly (albeit with an almost unintelligible redneck accent), telling Douche and Debbie that they intentionally left them out of the loop because they didn't want to put such honest good souls like Douche and Debbie in the position of stabbing Tyson in the back. LOL. Lest you think he's telling the truth, Stephen sets the record straight in an interview: the real reason they didn't tell Douche and Debbie was so they wouldn't be able to scramble and save Tyson at the last minute. "Good move, guys," Debbie says with so much covert hostility; "and I appreciate you not telling me." Douche says the same thing but, of course, adds his own "I am awesome" spin to it, saying that they did a great job to have gotten one past his amazing intuition. The amazing intuition that has managed to detect absolutely nothing thus far, making it only amazing in its complete lack of existence. Douche also says he "appreciates" that J.T. and Stephen didn't tell him about the Tyson boot. While I think Debbie was lying, I think Douche is telling the truth and honestly thinks he was kept in the dark for his own benefit because he is just that well-regarded. Stephen interviews that he's pretty sure that Douche and Debbie's response to seeing their alliancemate leave the game was all an act to kiss the asses of the people who are now clearly in charge of the game. He'd rather have an honest blow-out than smoke blown up his ass. Be careful what you wish for, Stephen.
Props to the opening credits people, by the way, for making sure that the shot of that giant rodent (I believe it is the largest rodent in the world) precedes Douche's picture every single week.
Day 28 at Forza, and I think the judgmental chicken from last week's reward village visit is stretching its wings in the sunlight. J.T., Stephen, and Debbie sit around the fire. While J.T. works to start it (of course), Debbie starts in with the strategy, saying she needs to know who will fall victim to their alliance . Stephen says Sierra and then Erinn. "Yeah okay. I love you two to death," Debbie says. Everyone claims that he trusts everyone else completely and everyone is totally lying. J.T. assures Debbie that it'll be him, Stephen, Debbie, and Douche in the Final Four. Debbie interviews that she's "recoiling" "like a snake" while trying to figure out what to do . Except that snakes actually have to strike out before they recoil, and Debbie has done nothing in this game thus far, really. She's not sure she should believe Stephen and J.T. anymore. "That's the question of the day," she says. It's really not, since all evidence points to them being in an alliance with Erinn and not you.
Debbie and her admittedly remarkable 46-year-old ass talk to Douche. She's upset about being blindsided last night and Tyson going home and only just now realizing that J.T., Stephen, and Taj might have a stronger alliance than Douche's stupid little Warrior Alliance that includes absolutely no warriors. Not even J.T., really, since he chose pizza over immunity last week. Debbie says that if Sierra and Erinn are the two to go, that'll put Debbie and Douche against the three former Jalapeño members, which is the kind of math she should have been doing like six days ago. Hilariously, Debbie thinks that the Jalapeños would take her out before Douche, which pretty much tells you all you need to know about what Debbie thinks of Douche's ability to play this game. Also, she's absolutely right. Debbie interviews that you have to "work your people" all the time in this game. Except that she only has one other person, and he thinks he was almost killed by a tribe of short Amazonian Indians for his delicious asshole. Good luck, Debbie. Debbie angrily says she doesn't want fifth place in this game and Douche shouldn't want fourth place. "I know," Douche mutters. He asks who they can align with to prevent this, suggesting the four former Tempuras. Debbie thinks that's their only chance, saying otherwise they'll be "sitting ducks." Speaking of fowl, Debbie seems to have forgotten the part where she counted her chickens before they hatched and treated Sierra like shit. How delicious this should be!
It's time for the reward challenge where you have to answer questions about each other in order to reveal alliances and people's places on the totem pole. For every correct answer, the contestants will have a chance to chop a rope holding a hammer over a ceramic idol representing a player. Three chops will drop the hammer and take the player out of the game. And yes, like in seasons, each player's idol has been painted to look like the player it belongs to, which means someone had to study Douche's stupid shirt and then paint little stupid white designs all over the idol's shoulders. Hopefully there's a Chess King in Tocantins so he could buy a version of the shirt to study. The players fill out their surveys and Probst tells them what they're playing for: a visit to a natural spring that Probst says is "unlike anything you've experienced before" and a feast at some random family's house. I hope they chose a family of good cooks. The winner also gets to pick who will go to Exile Island.
First question: who has not lived up to their [sic] potential? Duh. Everyone except J.T. and Stephen guess Douche, which is the right answer. Even Douche said Douche. Could this be a rare moment of self-awareness? It won't last. J.T. and Stephen guessed Sierra, which is stupid because how much potential would a twenty-three year-old model really have coming into this game? The young ditzy model is always underestimated. Everyone takes a moment to laugh at Douche, and then it's chopping time. I always wonder how the order of who chops is dictated, because it seems kind of unfair to go first and thus leave whoever you chop with a chance to chop your rope in retaliation. I guess I'd just pick J.T. or Stephen since they got the answer wrong and thus wouldn't be able to chop me until round. Erinn goes for Sierra. She seems to take it well. Debbie gets some revenge for the Tyson elimination and chops J.T., who seems honestly surprised by this. Taj chops Debbie, saying "it's not personal, I just wanna eat." And yet, she didn't chop her alliancemates, did she? So it is personal. When Douche goes up to chop, Probst makes sure to remind us all that he hasn't lived up to his potential and then Douche chops Sierra. But first, he must pose with the knife. Yes, really cherish the moment where you make yet another stupid decision and chop the rope of one of the two people you need to appease to have a chance at staying in this game. BRILLIANT! Sierra is the last to chop, and chops Douche. Just keep taking yourselves out of the competition, Tempura.
Second question: who would squander the million dollars the quickest? I'm going to go with Taj, just because she has plenty of millions already so one million dollars will mean less to her and not go as far as it would for anyone else. Stephen agrees with me, Douche says Erinn, and Taj and Sierra say Debbie. Everyone else says Sierra, which is the right answer. Debbie Dumbass chops first, and goes for Erinn. Erinn looks shocked, probably wondering what strategic advantage Debbie's move could have possibly had. J.T. chops Sierra, taking her out of the game first. She's pretty disappointed and realizes that despite being saved last night, this tribe still hates her. Erinn chops Debbie, and the Jalapeños are no doubt enjoying watching the Tempura majority eat itself eat again.
Third question: who would never survive on their [sic] own? Oh, PLEASE let the majority have answered Douche! But no, it's Debbie. And everyone except for J.T. and Douche, who guessed Sierra, agrees. Debbie laughs that she wouldn't last on her own because she'd have no one to talk to. Good. Send her to Exile. Taj chops at Douche, and Erinn does the honors and takes him out of the game. Have fun on the bench with Sierra, Douche! Debbie will soon join him, as Stephen takes her out. She gets to chop before she goes, and instead of chopping J.T. or Stephen, she chops Erinn. When Debbie sits down, we can clearly see the Jalapeno + Erinn alliance standing tall, still very much in the game.
Fourth question: who would you trust with your life? Of course, everyone says J.T., including J.T., who definitely believes in his own hype no matter how much he tries to disguise that fact with his humble Southern accent. J.T. interviews that everyone seems to trust him even though they all already know he's not very trustworthy in this game. "It seems like people would catch onto that," he says. Truly, he is playing with morons. And honestly, out of that group, who else is there to choose? Debbie can't survive on her own, Douche is insane, and the rest of them are pampered city folk with few survival skills. Taj cuts J.T.'s rope. He cuts Erinn's, which takes her out of the game. That was kind of dumb, since Erinn still has one chop to make and turns right around and takes J.T. out in return. Douche warmly greets J.T. on his way to the bench because Douche is an idiot. Since Stephen was lucky enough to get the last chop, he chops Taj's rope and puts himself in the lead. Stephen and Taj exchange playful banter that really should make Douche and Debbie wonder just how loyal Stephen would be to them over her.
Fifth question: who is most likely to stab you in the back? Of course, they both say Sierra, since that's the safest answer if not the most truthful. It's also the correct answer, and Sierra takes it personally because she doesn't understand strategy and diplomacy. Taj and Stephen cut each other's ropes, leaving Taj with just one hit left.
Sixth question: who would you least like to see win this game? The obvious answer is Sierra, but Taj knows that if she guesses that, Stephen most likely will too, and then he'll definitely win if it's right. So she guesses someone else: Douche. Hahahahahahaha! I love you, Taj. We get a nice shot of Sierra and Douche sitting to each other on the loser's bench looking less than amused, although Sierra attempts to conceal this by laughing at the ridiculousness of how much everyone left in this game clearly hates her. Her smile crumples into a cry-face as soon as Probst announces that Stephen got the correct answer. Stephen takes out Taj and wins the reward.
Stephen is pleased until he realizes that he has to send someone to Exile now, "which is no fun at all!" Probst declares. Shut up, Probst. Given the choice between camp with Douche and Exile Island, I'd pick Exile Island in a hot minute. Stephen picks Erinn, who is not happy. Stephen interviews that this was a strategic choice because his alliance wants to make sure that they're the only ones going to Exile just in case another idol pops up there. True, except that the fact that he picked Erinn over Taj or J.T. also shows her exactly where she stands in that alliance, although she'd be an idiot to think it was any other way. I'm just happy to hear Stephen say he's in an alliance with Erinn, J.T., and Taj, because that means Douche will leave this game ASAP. With that, Stephen is allowed to pick one person to go on the reward with him. Douche makes pathetic begging faces because he thinks he has a shot at this, only to get all wonderfully sad when Stephen picks Taj. She's thrilled, and says "that's why I love you!" as she runs up to hug him in front of the rest of the cast who should really be taking notes about this. And then Probst lets Stephen pick one more person. Once again, Douche thinks he has a shot, and once again, he's disappointed when Stephen picks J.T., saying he made him a promise. It couldn't be any clearer that Stephen, Taj, J.T., and Erinn have an alliance, but that doesn't mean Douche and Debbie will be able to pick up on it. And now poor Sierra has to go back to camp with them. Douche interviews a bit condescendingly that "good ol' Stephen" won the reward and based on who he picked to accompany him, he's starting to get an inkling that his warrior alliance might not be all that loyal. Considering that it was formed on the premise of not being loyal to one's original tribe in the first place, that shouldn't be too much of a surprise, should it?
Stephen, Taj, and J.T. arrive at the village. There are cows and chickens and then it's family meal time! How awesome would it be if one of the kids looked at Taj and went "hey, aren't you in SWV?" I mean, they've got to be reaching their popularity peak in the Brazilian highlands right about now, right? Stephen, who seems to be the only person left in the game capable of narrator duties, interviews that the food was delicious and fresh. Then a little girl smacks her forehead on the table and starts to cry, and Taj is instantly on the scene to tend to her. Taj interviews that she "went into Mommy mode" while the girl's actual mom apparently sat around eating some really fresh eggs or something. Taj says it made her miss her own children and starts crying, promising never to leave them for this length of time again. Especially since she doesn't even need the money. After the meal, the contestants are brought down to a local spring that bubbles up so that you can see the sand on the bottom, but you can't actually touch the bottom. It looks like a great way to get sand in your crack that takes days to work out. J.T. says he was bobbing in the water like a cork. Meanwhile, is he an alcoholic or something? Why does he still have a huge gut? He's lost weight in other areas, but that belly is almost the same size as it was when he started this game. Maybe he's just especially distended after that big meal. Or maybe he has an epic beer belly.
Once all three contestants are in the spring, they decide to start plotting. J.T. wants to get rid of Sierra , and Stephen agrees that it will help Douche feel more secure about the alliance that doesn't even exist anymore. And since Douche is weak and no threat to anyone (as the editors make sure we all know by including subtitles when Stephen says "he's the weakest in every aspect" LOL), there's no need to get rid of him like there was Tyson. I hate to admit it, but he's right. Sierra, on the other hand, is a "strong physical competitor." But Stephen is also worried about Debbie, who is "shrewd," and thinks having Sierra on their side to get rid of her might be a good idea. Taj just stays quiet and goes with the flow. Stephen interviews from the tree he's sitting in uncomfortably that he'd rather get rid of Sierra first just because she's a less predictable player. Taj finally speaks up to say that Erinn's not going to rally to save Debbie since she's always felt like no one on Tempura ever cared about her in the first place. Which is why you should really not think of potential alliancemates as cancers on the tribe that you're too true to hang out with, Douche.
Speaking of Erinn, she's at Exile with no new idol and no ability to start a fire before the rain starts pouring down. No fire means no food, warmth, or fresh water. Just a burlap sack to use as a blanket while the rain pours down endlessly. Erinn interviews, still looking pretty soaked, that she's not an outdoorsy girl and she never thought she'd be able to do something like this.
And back at Camp Forza, Douche and Debbie decide this is the best time for them to make a move they should have made days ago: get rid of the Jalapeño alliance. Douche thinks that Erinn will be angry at Stephen for sending her to Exile and thus disposed to align back with Tempura. Do they really not see how Erinn being sent to Exile only further illustrates her alliance with them? All they think they need now is Sierra. No problem, right? "Sierra, you would go with whatever Coach decided, wouldn't you?" Debbie asks Sierra, who has been silent up until this point. "I don't know right now," she replies. Heh. Heh heh heh heh. I love it when people reap what they sow. It so seldom seems to happen in real life. Douche can't even look at her as he says he thought she said she'd be loyal to them. Sierra says she had every intention of doing that until Douche and Debbie tried to vote her out. "You didn't save me like I asked you to. And they did," Sierra says. She sounds emotionless and flat, but you can't tell me there isn't a little tiny part of her that is enjoying the hell out of this. I certainly am! "So that's how it's gonna be? You're then, baby," Douche fires back. Because that's how you win someone you betrayed over, by threatening her. "I'm gonna ask you this again, Sierra," he says. Sierra walks away first. Ha! But Douche can't stand to lose control and power and demands to know where Sierra's loyalty lies right this very instant. Sierra says she has no loyalty to anyone right now. Which is actually good news for Debbie and Douche, since it means that they can win her loyalty back simply by presenting her with a clear, concise, and reasonable explanation of how Sierra will benefit more by siding with her old Tempura tribemates than by switching over to the Jalapeño three. She even tries to prod something like that out of Douche and Debbie, saying "you guys are in some big trouble right now. You guys have two people." But this simply confuses and angers Debbie, who puts on a sour lemon face and snaps that Sierra has no idea who is in her alliance right now. Except that if it was more than two people then Debbie and Douche wouldn't be approaching Sierra in the first place. Duh.
Sierra breaks it down in simple sentences that Debbie should be able to understand: Taj, Stephen, and J.T. are one unit. Erinn is obviously with them based on her vote for Tyson. At this point, Debbie lashes out, accusing Sierra of trying to cause them unnecessary worry about their alliance's stability. Does she have short-term memory loss issues or something? Is she forgetting that it was that worry that began this conversation in the first place? "I'm not giving you threats, I'm giving you facts," Sierra says calmly. LOL, she's half Debbie's age and twice as mature. Debbie flies off the handle and says she will not have a conversation that makes sense with Sierra today and puts up the hand. Sierra tries to point out that Debbie was the one who started this conversation in the first place, but Debbie just keeps saying she's done and showing Sierra the hand. Then she sobs and goes down to the river. I'll bet Board of Education meetings in her town are pretty similar to that exchange:
Board of Ed.: Principal Debbie, we're afraid that we cannot approve your proposal to take away math classes in favor of an additional gym period focusing on the ancient art of made-up bullshit called Chong Ran.
Debbie: (holds up a hand) Talk to the hand.
Board of Ed.: But you're the one who --
Debbie: I'M DONE!!! (sobs and goes down to the river)
While Sierra and Douche stand around the firepit for a period of Awkward Silence, Sierra interviews that Douche and Debbie tried to get their alliance back on track, and as soon as she expressed any sort of reluctance to get back in with them, they freaked out. Yep, that's pretty much what I saw, too. Sierra continues that the Jalapeño tribe is "brilliant" and used her to blindside Tyson. She'd rather play with the people who are doing this game right than two people who are morons. Too bad it's a little late in the game to figure that out, Sierra. But at least you managed to figure it out before Douche and Debbie.
They, meanwhile, are both down by the river talking about how Sierra is the person to go and is stupid not to realize that. I think she does realize that and would still rather be voted out than play the game with Douche and Debbie, which makes her awesome. Debbie and Douche decide that their only hope lies with Stephen and J.T. being true to their word. Douche thinks he'll be able to work on J.T. to make sure of that, even though that hasn't worked in the past. Douche interviews that Sierra has no loyalty in this game, so there's no hope of the remaining Tempurans getting back together to form a majority alliance. And whose fault is that, praytell? Could it be the guy who sought out and aligned with the strongest member of the tribe who had half the numbers his own did?
And so, the Jalapeños return to camp and Douche pulls J.T. aside for a confidential conversation because Douche honestly believes those still exist in this game. He lays his cards out for the eighty millionth time and asks J.T. how he feels about voting out Sierra, then Erinn, and then Taj. J.T. says that sounds great, of course. Douche interviews that after talking to J.T., he was confident that Sierra would be going home . He's not really that confident, though, since he then tells J.T. a story about how Sierra tried re-form the Tempura alliance when he, Stephen, and Taj were off on the reward. Douche claims that he immediately told her he would never turn against his alliance, and would never "get in bed with a snake" who will do whatever it takes to stay in the game "without any honor." Except join an alliance with you, Douche, although I'm not even sure he remembers that anymore. In fact, I really believe that he thinks that everything went down the way he just described it to J.T. Douche interviews that he doesn't trust Sierra, and he does trust J.T. "All in all, a very good day's work," he says.
Meanwhile, Sierra has gone to Stephen and told him a truthful version of events, that Douche and Debbie tried to convince her to join their alliance against the Jalapeños, and when she said she was going to play for herself and no one else in this game, "they both went bananas!" Actually, only Debbie went bananas. Douche just kind of sat there and didn't do anything, like always. Stephen interviews that a four-way Tempura alliance is his worst nightmare. He tells Sierra that he'd like to "include" her in their alliance, but he can't be sure that she isn't lying to him right now. Sierra starts crying and says she's sick of playing games and is the last person anyone should be worried about right now. True. After the answers in the reward challenge, Sierra would be my first choice to take to the Final Two with me.
Stephen heads over to Douche and J.T.'s conversation corner. Douche greets him warmly because he really thinks they're all friends. Stephen comes right out with it and says he was worried that Douche and Debbie would think he was loyal to Taj over them based on his reward choices and would have had some kind of conversation about eliminating Jalapeño back at camp with Sierra. Douche says that a conversation like that did indeed happen, but it was all Sierra and Debbie. He admits to considering a Tempura alliance for fifteen second before deciding that he could not do something like that to his BFFs Stephen and J.T. "It makes me sick to my stomach to think about it," Douche lays on way too thickly. Stephen makes sure that Douche is saying that Sierra was the one who wanted the Tempura alliance, and Douche says she'll try anything to get ahead but is too stupid to do anything to really help herself. Kind of like one Coach Ben Wade. Stephen interviews that he has no idea who's telling the truth and who's lying right now. As soon as Douche walks away, he whispers to J.T. "I'm freaking out." He tells J.T. what Sierra told him. J.T. interviews that everyone has a story to tell and he also doesn't know who is honest and who is not. He seems doubtful that Douche would lie to him, but Stephen says Douche might be a pathological liar. Sadly, he does not bring up some of Douche's obvious lies, like the short tribe of ass-eaters. Stephen argues for keeping Sierra around. Hooray! "I think she's loyal to us," Stephen says over a shot of Douche wandering around the wilderness collecting useless twigs.
Immunity challenge! It's raining all over Probst's jet-black dye job as the contestants enter the playing field. Erinn returns to everyone's applause. Douche tries to hug her, but she walks right on past him to hug Stephen, who apologizes profusely for sending her to Exile. Then J.T. pats her on the arm, just to hammer in whose side Erinn is on right now, not like Douche or Debbie are smart enough to notice. Stephen whips out a nice, dry, sweater for her to wear, which is such a great idea. I don't see how he can't win this game. He's the only intelligent person playing.
Probst takes back the immunity necklace and explains the challenge: each contestant will get a grappling hook he must use to retrieve three bags across a pit of sand. The first three contestants to grab their bags move onto the second round, which is one of those big maze boards with a ball you have to maneuver around to get it to the finish without falling through any holes. The most important thing to know about this challenge is that it involves a grappling hook, which I'm sure Douche has plenty of experience with considering all his time watching episodes of Mission: Impossible and then believing that he lived through them.
The first round begins. J.T. is the first person to get a bag back, followed, much to her surprise, by Taj, who gives up a boob shot in all the exertion. Soon, all the contestants have managed to get one bag each except for Erinn, who blames her poor performance on being at Exile. Tragically, Douche leaps ahead by getting his second bag as a thunderstorm rolls in. I'm sure everyone is happy to be swinging metal objects over their heads right about now. No doubt Douche is especially concerned, seeing as he believes he's been struck by lightning three times in his life. Once when he was climbing Mount Everest in record time, once when he was beating Tiger Woods in a golf tournament, and once when he was conducting a the first-ever cannibal symphony. J.T. is right behind Douche with his second bag and then they both get their third. Gross -- Douche is still in contention for immunity. Miraculously, Erinn gets her first bag while no one else has managed to get another bag, tying it up for the last spot in the second round. Debbie gets her second bag while Sierra's method of throwing her grappling hook is ridiculous and unsuccessful. And Stephen, of course, has managed to get a knot in his rope that he must stop to attend to. Despite this, he manages to get a second bag before everyone else and is tied with Debbie for that last spot. But she's able to get her third bag back before him, which sucks because I'm sure Stephen could have kicked everyone's ass at that maze unless he tripped over his shoelaces or something.
Douche announces that the second round will be fun, as if he knows anything about second rounds in this game or anywhere else. They pick up their maze boards, and J.T. is in the lead until his ball falls through a hole. Douche, meanwhile, does so unexpectedly well that the cameraman isn't even focused on his ball as it moves through the maze. Probst says that Debbie is "going backwards" as her ball falls through a hole. She tries to blame it on Probst for distracting her. Meanwhile, Douche is still in the lead, although J.T. is catching up. It's hilariously obvious that the entire bench is rooting for J.T., as are, no doubt, most of the viewers at home. J.T. and Douche neck-and-neck in the home stretch ... and then J.T. falls through a hole. Shit. "You better believe it baby!" Douche cries out as he wins the stupid challenge. Clearly, he is not used to winning things. People who are used to winning do so quietly and with respect for their opponents. Douche says "Dragon. Slayer!!!" and slams the game board down and does a stupid dance. I don't want to watch the rest of this episode now that there's no chance Douche will be leaving. Ugh. Probst has trouble putting the immunity necklace around Douche's neck because he's bowing in an effort to appear gracious in victory. Sierra provides the post-challenge wrap-up, saying "it sucked to watch Coach win today," which is pretty much all that needs to be said. She adds that she'll have to do everything she can to get the tribe to vote Debbie out instead of her, and since the Sprint Player of the Week ad that immediately follows this doesn't have Sierra as one of its options, we all already know how that turned out, don't we?
The tribe returns to camp and Douche can't stop talking about how awesome it is that he won the immunity necklace. "Guess there won't be a blindside of old Coach Wade tonight, will there?" he says, forgetting that you don't have to be voted out to be blindsided. For example, three days ago when Douche was blindsided by the ouster of Tyson. Douche wants to make sure his hero J.T. heard him call out "Dragonslayer" as he won, proving once again that he has no idea how lame that made him sound. While everyone else sits around rolling his eyes awesomely, Douche says today's challenge was his "forté," as if throwing a grappling hook and being really good at a giant version of Labyrinth is all that cool or special. Douche says his meditation, prayer, and "focusing technique" were what got him the win, which isn't true since I didn't see him doing any stupid warrior poses during the challenge. But perhaps I'm wrong, and "you better believe it, baby!" is now a term used in prayer. He continues that he's very secure with his place in the game and his alliance with Debbie, Stephen, and J.T.
While Douche stands by the water and poses like he's in a Wrangler ad, Sierra gets a moment alone with J.T. and Taj and tells them that they might want to rethink their alliance with Douche and Debbie because they tried to form an alliance against them with her and Erinn. J.T. says Douche told him the opposite, so he doesn't know who to trust. Sierra swears on a holy Bible that isn't present that she's telling the truth, but that's really not enough in this game, so she offers to confront Douche about it in front of everyone to prove he's a liar. Douche walks in carrying the skinniest of twigs, and it's time for fun.
Sierra tells Douche it's time for her to air her dirty laundry because she has nothing left to lose at this point and wants to go out with a big bang. "Sierra," Douche sighs condescendingly; "you're really scrambling, aren't ya?" "You lied, and I want you to admit it," Sierra says. Douche proudly states that he has never and will never lie in this game. He says he doesn't think anyone else is interested in having this conversation, but he's wrong as someone pipes up, "yeah, let's hear it" and J.T. says "lay it on us." Taj also makes some noises in agreement. Meanwhile, Debbie appears to be shitting herself. I can't wait to hear how Douche has managed to spin the events of just yesterday in his mind already, so here goes: he claims that when the three of them returned from the reward challenge, it was Debbie who brought up the idea of a Tempura alliance. Way to throw your alliancemate under the bus right in front of her, Douche. Then Douche totally lies that Sierra immediately got in Debbie's face and made her cry and Douche proudly stated "Sierra, I do not want a Tempura alliance!" The faces that Sierra makes while being presented with this fictional tale are pretty great. She waits for Douche to finish and calmly states that she never brought up the idea of a Tempura alliance, and that it was Douche and Debbie who came to her. Douche and Debbie immediately get all defensive and start yelling over Sierra that they never asked her to ally with them. Debbie tries to spin things by saying she simply asked Sierra where she stood, because Debbie might be pretty stupid but at least she's crafty enough to incorporate some truthful elements into her stories. Sierra says they brought up the idea that Erinn might be mad enough about being sent to Exile to align with them and give them a four to three advantage against Jalapeño, which is exactly what we saw happen. Debbie seems to be somewhat aware of this, as she rubs her face and looks terrified. Sierra tells Douche that if he can look her in the face and deny that that ever happened, she has no problem walking out of this game. "Buh-bye!" he immediately waves at her. Now it's Sierra's turn to get upset. She accuses Douche of lying while Debbie's raspy voice keeps trying to make excuses and then goes on the attack, wondering when Sierra became such an "angry person." "That's not the person that I know!" she says. Well, you tried to vote that person out, so whatever. Sierra says she could say the same thing about Debbie, and now Debbie puts up the hand and announces that she's finished. Of course. "This drama crap has got to stop!" she says, and starts crying. Douche says it'll stop in three hours, so convinced that Sierra is going home even though the other four tribemates sitting around watching all of this have probably figured out that the girl with nothing to lose is telling the truth and the two desperate weirdo assholes, one of whom is crying, are not. "I'm too old for this!" Debbie says. Then don't go on fucking Survivor, flakey.
Debbie composes herself enough to interview that "Sierra went crazy" and accused her of lying. Wait, what? Debbie has to know that Sierra was telling the truth just now, right? And that Debbie herself was lying? "I am a forty-six-year-old professional woman," Debbie claims. She has to tell us that because we wouldn't know it from the way she acts. She thinks she's above engaging in "verbal combat" with a twenty-three-year-old. Debbie refuses to acknowledge that the twenty-three-year-old was telling the truth, saying that she can't remember what she said to Sierra about an alliance just yesterday. Either she's senile or she has a convenient ability to block out moments where she acted in a way that isn't all sunshine and light and honesty.
Stephen and J.T. talk. Stephen thinks Sierra is telling the truth and called out Douche's lies, which makes her a better alliancemate to them than Douche or Debbie. YES!!! J.T. brings up taking Debbie out tonight instead of Sierra, and Stephen agrees. He interviews that Sierra exposed Douche's "half-truths" and Debbie's "scheming." And yet, somehow, she couldn't expose it to Douche and Debbie themselves, so insane are they. I think they honestly think that everything they said is true and Sierra is the one who was lying. And I think they watched tonight's episode at their respective homes and still somehow came up with the same conclusion. Stephen can see that Debbie is a schemer and she will do whatever it takes to get ahead in the game, so it might be a good idea to take her out now. J.T., on the other hand, wouldn't mind getting rid of Sierra tonight because she brings so much drama to camp and getting rid of her will help assure Douche and Debbie that their alliance is secure and make it easier to blindside them down the road. Sierra talks to Taj and Erinn, who both believe her over Douche and seem to appreciate her exposing him. "I'm not voting for you tonight," Erinn promises. But Stephen continues in an interview that no one knows who Sierra will piss off or turn against , and getting rid of her removes some of the scary unpredictability around camp. That's a good point, I hate to say.
Tribal Council! The contestants arrive and Probst calls in the jury. Douche makes sure to shake his head in disgust at the fact that Tyson is on the jury and not still playing with them. Probst talks to J.T. first, saying that with so few people left in the game, there aren't many places left to hide. Especially when you've managed to retain a big gut like J.T. has. J.T. says the game has changed, and now he's scared just to go fishing because it means leaving people behind at camp to possibly scheme against him. Probst turns to Debbie and asks if she agrees that the pressure is on now. Debbie says their "happy little family" isn't very happy anymore. Not true -- some members seem to be very happy still. Get it through your head that you don't speak for everyone in the tribe anymore, Debbie. Debbie says she does not enjoy "all this craziness" that's part of the game. Then don't try to form secret alliances and then cry when you get called out.
Probst asks Douche the same question, allowing him to point to a "catalyst" in the drama at camp and stating that he is standing firm in his original plan of how to play this game: with honor and keeping the strongest players around. Players like Debbie. And Stephen. LOL. Brendan and Tyson, who are Douche's idea of the strongest players in the game, exchange looks from their seat on the jury while Sierra rolls her eyes. Probst notices the eye roll and asks her about it. Sierra laughs and says that Douche was exposed as a liar at camp today when she called him and Debbie out for trying to align with her against Taj, Stephen, and J.T. She says she told them they were up shit's creek and she wouldn't ally with them, but Douche turned around and told J.T. that she was the one trying to form an alliance with them. Sierra says she's happy to have proven that someone who claimed he could change this game and make it honest is just as much of a scheming liar as everyone else.
Probst turns back to Douche and asks him about this. Douche says he is not a coward or a liar, but he'll give Sierra the benefit of the doubt that she's not lying. Instead, he thinks, in her "warped mind, she thinks she's telling the truth." You know how they say whoever smelt it, dealt it? Yeah. I'm pretty sure that Douche is talking about himself here. And I'm kind of amazed that he's self-aware enough to see that some people have trouble with reality, but not enough to realize that he's one of them. Everyone laughs at Douche, including Sierra. The jury looks seriously bored as Douche wraps it up that he graciously forgives Sierra for her twisted lies because of a line in the Bible where St. Stephen is being stoned to death and he, too, forgives his killers. He misquotes the line, but whatever. At least he isn't talking about Vikings this time. Sierra looks honestly horrified at the idea that Douche is now comparing himself to a saint, and then realizes this is hilarious. Douche says that he was ready to come to Tribal and ask for Sierra's apology, but instead she continues to alienate her only two friends in this game by calling them out in front of their tribe. Kind of like what he did when he called Debbie out in the front of the tribe earlier. Douche says that Sierra is the reason why this tribe has stopped trusting each other (um, no. I can think of a million other reasons) and is a girl who is acting like a five year-old having a temper tantrum. He then makes a five-year-old sulky face while Sierra continues to giggle. She's not even mad at him because she knows how ridiculous he sounds in front of everyone else.
Prost notices that Taj is enjoying the spectacle before her. Taj says that after thirty days away from her soap operas, this has been very entertaining. Erinn busts out laughing. Erinn is awesome. She's also wearing Stephen's bright red sweater which is basically a huge sign advertising exactly which alliance she's siding with. Debbie, of course, doesn't find this funny at all. Probst asks her if she's a threat in this game, having won an immunity challenge and being so very popular with everyone in the game. "I hope that I'm not a threat because I'm likable," Debbie says, showing that she, like Douche, has a fundamental misunderstanding of how she comes across to people as well as how she treats them. She says she can't stop being such a great likable person, so she hopes that doesn't work against her. It probably won't, but the fact that she's annoying, unpleasant, and untrustworthy might.
Probst asks J.T. what's important when voting tonight. J.T. says it's about who is a physical threat, who is a social threat, and who you want to take to the end and beat to win a million dollars. That last part is probably why Douche is still around, which is not fun for me to admit because it means he may well be in this game for its entirety. Probst asks Stephen how to vote someone out without pissing him off. Stephen says that you have to blindside people in this game, even if it means losing their votes at the end.
With that, it's time to vote. Stephen goes first, and I think the editors are trying to tell us that there's a possibility he'll try to take J.T. out tonight with all those shots of J.T. looking worried. Debbie votes for Sierra: "we've said it all, there's nothing left to say." Yes, she managed to say nine words about how there is nothing to say. Douche gets up to vote and struts past Tyson and Brendan. Brendan is able to contain his giggles until after Douche is past him. Love it. Sierra votes for Debbie. Probst tallies the votes and calls for the immunity idol. It is not played, of course, so he reads the votes. First vote is for Sierra. Second vote is for Debbie. Good. Leave, Debbie. And then there's a vote for Stephen, which says "never again, swear" under it. Interesting. But then Sierra gets a second vote and it looks like we all know where this is going. Until Debbie also gets a second vote. Hooray!!! Leave!!! Sierra looks hopeful until she gets a third vote. And then a fourth, and she's out of the game. Douche giggles like he's back in the saddle. Debbie looks pretty somber because she knows they aren't. Probst extinguishes Sierra's torch, and she looks pretty happy to leave. Hold your head high, Sierra! You made Douche look like a dumbass, and that's always a good thing. It's not very difficult, but it is fun to watch.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, which she occasionally updates when she has something to complain about. Or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.
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