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Sandy gets much less airtime this week, as the focus switches to Tempura. Sierra decides the hidden idol might not be such a bad thing after all and recruits Brandon to help her find it. I thought she was using him as her lookout while she dug around the beach, but no one's on the lookout when Debbie comes running up and sees the giant hole they dug in the beach. Seriously, it was a huge hole. Did they really think the producers buried the clue twenty feet deep? Please. Fortunately, Debbie is a moron and swallows Sierra's story that they're building a bonfire pit. Unfortunately, they're morons, too, so they don't find the idol after all of that.
The reward/immunity challenge involves basketball and wrestling. Tempura takes an early lead, only for Jalapeño to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat, thanks to an unlikely basket from the nerdy Jew from New York City. Meanwhile, Brandon is sent to Exile "Island" and gets to pick a Jalapeño to come with him. He picks Taj. At Exile, they're presented with two urns. Taj's is empty, but Brandon's has a secret clue to the immunity idol. It doesn't make any sense to him, though, so he ends up showing it to Taj and they realize the idol is actually hidden somewhere in their respective camps. Brandon returns to Tempura in time for the scheming to start, as Candace realizes that Douche is a douche and starts plotting to vote him out ASAP. But stupid Debbie runs off to tell Douche about the plan and he's able to convince everyone to vote for Candace instead of Sierra with the stupid poison apple imagery someone just has to employ every freaking season. If only Candace had let Douche lick her face, she might have lasted a bit longer.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!The Jalapeños return to camp sans Carolina. Sydney (only one person wrote to tell me I got her name wrong last week, which means she's probably just as invisible to most of you as she was to me) says voting Carolina out was hard, but no one seems to care very much because they have fire. Sandy's feeling pretty good about herself as she interviews that Carolina "played her cards terribly wrong," giving Sandy at least three more days in the game. I hope Sandy doesn't think she played her own cards right, because she didn't. She just played them slightly less bad. Also, she has dirt all around her mouth. She says she wants to win this game and "as long as I'm here, I can win it." That's like saying "the team that wins is the one that scores the most points." Sandy makes things even more awkward by thanking her tribemates for "letting" her stay with them for a few more days. Spencer interviews that Sandy will be the to go.
And now it's morning at Jalapeño. The tribe cooks up some gourds, but it's not enough for Joe. He wants protein. And he's going to get it from termites because he watches way too much Man Vs. Wild. It's only been four days! That's not nearly enough time for me to get hungry enough to eat a freaking bug that probably uses up more energy to catch than it provides. Joe, Stephen, Spencer, and Sandy find a termite mound. Sandy, always slow on the uptake, sees the bugs and says "ew, what's all them? Termites?" What part of "we're looking for termites" didn't she understand? Spencer interviews that he's a growing boy used to eating what he wants when he wants it. But now he has to eat termites, which he does. One with wings. Joe rolls the mound over to reveal a HUGE grub. Like, it's the length of my middle finger and twice as thick. Sandy tries to grab it "for fishing," because she still doesn't understand the concept of what they're doing there. Ugh, there's a close-up of the grub. I'm glad I don't have an HDTV. Is that the termite queen or just some massive grub that happened to be hanging out with the termites? And if it is just a grub, how big is the bug it's supposed to mature into?? By this time, more tribe members have arrived to watch as Spencer, Stephen, and Joe split the grub three ways. Stephen gets stuck with the butt end of the grub and Sydney interviews that she wasn't about to try the "worm" after seeing the look on Stephen's face when he ate it. There also wasn't any left for Sydney to try if she had wanted some, but whatever. Keep pretending you were included, Syd. She says she'll eat a grub at a challenge if she has to, but not as a meal. Oh, Sydney -- gross food challenges are so ten seasons ago. Which is a shame.
Over at Tempura, the tribe is having trouble lighting their fire. Sierra interviews that she's still "on the outs" of her tribe and re-thinking that hidden idol. She decides she can't find it alone, so she tells Brendan about it since he didn't vote her out in the beginning. Why tell anyone, Sierra? Find it yourself! She and Brendan sneak off to search the beach. She finds the stick and starts to dig while Brendan plays look out. Sierra unearths the clue, but let's not get too excited here. Even Sandy managed to find that. It took her two days, but still. It tells her to look for just a "lone tree," so I guess Tempura's beach doesn't have palms. I also guess that Survivor production crew cut down a bunch of trees just so there would be one lone tree for the clue. Sierra and Brendan decide the clue must refer to one tall tree that sticks out amongst the others. While Sierra goes off to stand guard, Brendan digs. Back at camp, the others are starting to wonder what Sierra and Brendan are up to. Debbie goes off to find them. Uh oh!
By this point, Brendan's hole is HUGE. And ridiculously deep. Do they really think the producers buried the clue ten feet down? When the other clue was buried like six inches under the sand? Morons! Dig WIDE, not DEEP! And Sierra has given up on looking out for other players and is helping Brendan dig. That's why they're caught totally off guard when Debbie walks up and catches them red-handed. Sierra thinks quickly and says they're building a "massive fire pit." Brendan adds to the lie, saying they want to do a bonfire later tonight. Debbie totally falls for it. Not only that, but she also LOVES the idea. Brendan and Sierra pat themselves on the back in interviews, and then Sierra and Debbie head back to camp so Debbie can tell everyone about the awesome fire pit party on the beach tonight. Ha! I hope she feels stupid watching this now. Candace apparently hates fire pit parties, so she immediately shakes her head and says that doesn't "make much sense" (true) and therefore she will not be attending. Sierra interviews that she doesn't think it's worth the risk of getting caught to keep looking for the idol. Well, no, it isn't if you're going to look for it by digging to China.
The fun doesn't stop at Tempura on Day 5, as the tribe puts some beans on. Candace loves rice and beans as much as she hates fire pit parties, so she proposes adding rice to the pot. She says something about steaming rice by adding olive oil and lime juice to it and wrapping it in aluminum foil. "We could find most of that stuff," Tyson says. "Really?" Candace asks, so hopeful. "No. I lied straight to your face and you ate it up," Tyson says. Seriously, what was Candace thinking? That they have aluminum foil trees in Brazil? Moron! And why is Tyson showing off how good he is at lying to his tribemates? Moron x2! Anyway, everyone's down with cooking rice and beans in one pot except for Douche, who thinks the rice will absorb all the water and then the beans won't cook right. Someone says they can just add more water, but Douche isn't having it. Candace points out that she's the one doing the cooking, so if Douche wants it done his own special way, he can cook it instead. Douche says if Candace and Tyson want to cook the rice and beans in one pot, "no problem." Except it obviously is a problem for him. Because he's a Douche. He then interviews that Candace is like him in that they both find faults in others. But that's okay when he does it, because he's a coach and that's his job. Oops! Not anymore! He got fired like the day after Survivor premiered. Ha ha ha! I mean, you hate to see anyone lose his livelihood in this economy, but Douche totally deserves it and he sucks, so it couldn't have happened to a more deserving guy. As for Candace, she interviews that she is an educated woman and doesn't appreciate being talked down to by Douche. "In real life, like, I would've broke it down, like, to his psyche. You know, and his insecurities and how he over-compensates. I would've really, like, got to him," she says. She's got Douche pegged, but she might want to work on her speaking skills if she really wants to come off as an educated woman. She says she decided to walk away and wait for his inevitable apology instead.
And so, while the rice and beans cook in two separate pots, Douche does indeed go off to talk to Candace. He grabs her hand with one hand and caresses her arm with the other. Creep. I hate it when men do that ... unless they're hot. Which Douch isn't. Candace laughs that he's full of it, and Douche says he's serious that he's sorry for whatever he did and she's sorry for "coming at me a little bit strong." Yes, how DARE she state her opinion in a calm and reasonable manner. Uppity bitch! Douche is (was) a soccer coach, okay? You're just a lowly lawyer. Respect it! Erinn watches the whole thing with a look on her face that seems to say "oh, no. I live with a douche" or perhaps "as a hairdresser, Douche's Seagaltail personally offends me." Either way, I love that the editors included it. Douche sidles up to Candace's boobs and demands a kiss. She tells him he can kiss her on the cheek. He licks her face instead. Fucking gross. Kick him off the show. That is wrong. And he probably did it to those poor girls he used to coach all the time, too. At least we know they're free now! Candace interviews that Douche's ego is "bigger than Brazil" and it "will be the death of him." Let's hope that happens soon.
Over at Jalapeño, the realities of living in the outdoors are setting in for Taj, who says she doesn't do this kind of thing ever and mentions her husband. Spencer asks what her husband does, and for some reason, it never occurred to Taj that she would have to think of a cover story, so she stammers and comes up with "uh ... football analyst." Someone gives her an out asking if he does just college sports, but she says no, he does college and NFL. Then she tells them all her real last name and they all figure out that she's married to former NFL player Eddie George. Both Joe and, surprisingly (since he's gay and I apparently believe in stereotypes. Shame on me) Spencer are very familiar with Eddie George, with Joe even knowing that he's a Heisman trophy winner and what college he went to. "It's a pretty big deal to be on a tribe with Eddie George's wife," Spencer says, still not knowing that Taj is a big deal in her own right. She's also kind of stupid. Way to put an "I don't really need the money" target on your back, Taj. Stephen interviews that he has no idea who Eddie George is, because he's a New York City Jew and that stereotype is still holding up. JT interviews what's on everyone else's mind: Taj is super-rich and he isn't.
Challenge time! We're in for yet another double reward/immunity challenge because the challenge creators are lazy. God hates Probst, so he sends down a flash thunderstorm just as he's greeting everyone. Ha ha! Probst hates getting wet; all his hair dye runs. Much to Stephen's obvious chagrin, this will be a very physical challenge. Three members of each tribe, chosen at random but matching up an equal number of boys and girls, will compete against each other on a wading pool/basketball court. Probst will throw a ball into the middle, and teams must wrestle each other to get the ball and score in their team's basket. First team to three points wins immunity and fishing gear. And we're still doing the Exile "Island" thing even though it was such a disaster last season, so the winning tribe will pick a member of the losing tribe to go there. But this season, Probst claims, there is a twist. He pulls a small scroll from his back pocket and says he'll read it later. I wonder if it says "no more fake idols, please." And with that, Debbie sits out and the challenge begins after yet another cheesy immunity idol wipe, this time with lightning.
Taj, Stephen, and Sydney will be competing against Sierra, Candace, and Tyson. Probst tosses the ball, and Candace takes Sydney down as Stephen shows surprising athleticism in his run for the ball. Taj attempts to block Tyson from Stephen, but pretty much fails at that and Stephen is tackled. He gets the ball to Taj on his way down, and she airballs it. Weak, Taj. Meanwhile, Sydney and Candace are wrestling each other off on the other side of the court. Sydney has managed to free at least one of Candace's boobs from her bikini top. Tyson displays a millimeter of buttcrack as he gets the ball for Tempura, but the editors are on their game and blur it out. He throws it to Sierra, who loses it after a Taj tackle. Taj gets the ball and tries once more to shoot it, but it's an even worse shot than her first one and lands right in the hands of Candace, who managed to free herself from Sydney and is out in the open. She shoots and makes a basket, giving Tempura their first point.
up are JT, Joe, and Sandy against Erinn, Brendan, and Tyson. Why does Tyson get to go twice when other members of his tribe haven't gone at all yet? That's not fair. Then again, I'm all for seeing as little of Douche as possible. Probst tosses the ball out, and immediately Sandy takes Erinn down. Brendan gets the ball and passes it to Tyson, who is taken down by JT, much to Probst's delight. "BIG TAKEDOWN!" he cries, sounding jealous. Tyson gets the ball to Brendan, while Erinn is still stuck in the back with Sandy, who pulls on her bikini top with one hand while swinging her arm around, rodeo-style, with the other. Yes, these are the skills that made Sandy the Kentucky School Bus Rodeo state champion. Brendan misses his shot, but it lands close to Tyson and the basket, so he puts it in for an easy point. Hmmm ... Jalapeño is looking awfully Fangish this season so far.
For the third round, the producers just couldn't resist making it ladies' night. Really, I'm surprised they lasted this long without one. Candace, Sierra, and Erinn are competing against Taj, Sydney, and Sandy. There's a pile-up for the ball, and Candace shows amazing strength by taking both Sierra and Sydney down with one hand. Taj shoves Erinn out of the way and jumps on top of Sierra, basically holding her underwater until she gives up the ball and/or drowns. Taj manages to throw a pretty much topless Candace off of her. She charges the basket with no one around but misses the shot. Candace gets it and shoots. She gets really close, but misses. Taj shoots and misses again, but Sydney's there to get the rebound. Hooray! No Fang blowouts this season!
And now the moment Probst has been waiting for: the all-men round. JT, Joe, and Spencer will be competing against Brendan, Douche, and Jerry. Let's see what Mr. D. "Vote Out The Weak Players I Am So Strong" Bag has to show us. Brendan gets the ball first, but there's no one to pass it to so he just throws it down the court. JT gets it, and there's Douche well away from the action. "Coach is really dragging!" Probst cries. Ha ha! I usually hate it when Probst calls out certain players, but not this time. JT shoots and scores, and it's a tie game. The editors make sure to include a shot of Douche wheezing and doubled over. Hahahahahahahahahaha! And then another shot of the Jalapeños celebrating. I just noticed that their bathing suits are color-coded, too.
Last round: Stephen, Sydney, and Taj against Sierra, Candace, and Tyson. The editors throw in yet another shot of Douche looking winded while Sierra has been in, like, every single round, has a fever of 115 degrees, and is just fine. The game begins. Sydney gets the ball first and passes it to Taj even though she's a horrible shot and is currently wrestling with Candace. Sydney realizes her error and gets the ball back, but Sierra takes her down. On the sidelines, we see Spencer and Sandy yelling at Taj to help Sydney out. We also see Douche, silent and tired. What a great coach he is! Taj gets the ball, but is taken down by Candace's boobs. Tyson has managed to get free of Stephen and grabs the ball, but his shot misses. Sierra shoots and also misses. Sydney manages to get the ball as Stephen pulls Tyson away from it, but her shot misses, too. Stephen then gets the ball. He has Sierra on his back and looks for someone to pass to. Sydney is busy pulling Tyson's little shorts down and Taj and Candace are entangled with each other. He has no choice but to throw Sierra off of him and make the shot himself. This has got to be his worst nightmare, to have his whole team depending on him to score the game point in something athletic. But ... he makes it! Hooray! And just look at the relief on his face to have avoided embarrassment and shame. The Jalapeños embrace while members of Tempura look on, totally defeated.
Everyone goes back to the beach and Probst asks who Jalapeño wants to send to Exile. Surprisingly, they don't send Sierra, but Brendan. He grabs his stuff as Probst reads his little note. The big twist is ... Brendan gets to choose a member of Jalapeño to join him at Exile. Hasn't this been done before? Like, two seasons ago when Ozzy and Kathy went to Exile together? Whatever. Brendan's choice is also surprising, as he picks Taj. Probst gives them a map to Exile and they're off. He gives Jalapeño the idol and says he'll see Tempura later. Tyson gives us the post-game wrap-up voiceover that Sierra will probably be the person they vote off because she didn't make the trek with them in the beginning of the game. How is that a bad thing? Doesn't it mean she's stronger for not having burned all those calories? And it's not like she didn't make the trek on purpose -- you guys tried to vote her out! And she made you a shelter! I hate Tempura.
Jalapeño sans Taj return to camp and do a team cheer. Sandy interviews that she's glad they won, because if they'd lost the challenge there was a "fifty percent chance" she would have been voted out. Erm ... make that ninety-nine percent, Sandy. And that one percent is not for another member of your tribe to be voted off instead, but for a rogue lightning strike to hit the Tribal Council set and kill everyone and cancel the show. JT takes charge of the fishing, and gives a class on how to cast the net to catch bait fish. Stephen interviews that JT has become the tribe leader, and he's thrilled about that because he actually likes JT. He says he never would have met someone like JT back at home in the big city, so he's surprised that the more he learns about him, the more he likes. "He might just be seducing me with his pretty country ways, but I'm smitten," Stephen says. Hey, Stephen? You might not want to say things like that to JT if you want your relationship to stay intact. JT interviews basically the same thing, that he and Stephen get along well even though they're very different people. With that, Stephen sets off to go spear fishing as JT watches. Stephen surfaces and reports that he saw a ton of fish, but caught nothing. Even so, Stephen says the trip was productive in that it cemented their bond, even though that bond positions Stephen as JT's "goofy awkward right-hand man."
Time to go to Exile "Island," which is no more an island this season than it was last season. Brendan and Taj find a pot, a knife, and rice waiting for them. Brendan interviews that he's hungrier for information than food right now. They hike up a big sand dune as instructed by the producers and find a table and two urns. They are to pick one urn each. Taj's is empty, but Brendan's has a scroll and the instructions to open it in private. "Aw, crap!" Taj says, knowing exactly where this is going. Brendan's scroll is a clue to the hidden immunity idol, which simply says that the idol can be found in "tribal homelands." That's not much to go on, but I bet Sugar could figure it out! Brendan, on the other hand, has no idea what the tribal homelands are. But he's got an entire giant sand hill to dig through and no Debbie to interrupt this time. Along with the clue is another piece of paper that tells Brendan he can return to Tempura or join the Jalapeño tribe, which the producers think "has the potential to turn this game on its head." Not before a tribe switch, it doesn't. Brendan interviews that there is no way he'll switch to the Jalapeño tribe. I would, but only because it would mean no more Douche.
Brendan returns to Taj, who asks if she can see his paper. He says no, but Taj doesn't feel like pretending he doesn't obviously have a clue to the immunity idol and offers to help him look for it rather than sit around by herself. He accepts. Taj interviews that her plan is to "work" Brendan by being friendly so that she might have a chance to get the idol for herself, which she thinks she needs now that her tribe knows she's rich. That's something she should have thought about before she told them all she was rich at the first possible opportunity. Finally, Brendan shows her the clue. Good move on his part, because she immediately figures out that "homelands" means "where we live." As in, the idol is hidden back at camp and not at Exile. Brendan realizes that both camps have an idol hidden somewhere. And we know he will leave no beach undug in his quest to find it.
With no idol to find, the two sit down and chat instead. Taj claims that she doesn't have a bond with anyone on her tribe yet, so she'd like to form one with Brendan. "I'm all for that," he says, and they both agree to keep the fact that there's an idol hidden somewhere in their camp a secret from their teammates. Brendan interviews that his entrepreneur skills make it easy for him to let people think they can trust him. And now, he and Taj have what could be a very helpful bond for both of them if they end up on the same tribe somewhere down the line.
Well, well, well. Looks like Tempura is cooking rice and beans in one pot after all. And they're loving it! So, fuck you, Douche. They talk about the challenge, and Erinn expresses surprise at the strength of "that little old lady." Dumbass. When has Survivor ever cast a "little old lady?" They're always women who look older than they are because they lived hard as loggers or truckers or whatever while you were sitting pretty and cutting hair. Candace interviews that she was disappointed to lose the challenge because now someone has to go home. She decides to take matters into her own hands and rally for that someone to be Douche. Hooray! Candace is my hero! She talks about Douche's non-performance at the challenge and compares him to the women at her church who attend services but "they ain't on the up-and-up." Ha ha -- Douche is a church lady. Candace interviews that Douche doesn't have the physical skills she expected and doesn't bring much else to the table "except a lot of talk."
Guess who else is doing a lot of talk? Stupid Debbie, who runs over to Douche and tells him that Candace is gunning for him. "I don't like being around negativity," she says. Then don't go on a reality show that's all about screwing each other over, dumbshit. And don't be in your forties and a high school principal and wearing a bikini on national television, either. I don't know what I would have done if my high school principal went on Survivor. But I guess it wouldn't have been too much of a problem since he was an asshole and probably would have been voted out ASAP. Douche decides to totally abandon his "let the strong survive" plan in favor of saving his own ass. So even though Candace did an awesome job in the challenge and scored fifty percent of her team's points, she's a "poison apple" and needs to go. Douche interviews that Candace is a "cancer on the team." Uh-huh. There is no "I" in "team," but there is a "me," so I'm pretty sure that Douche really means "a cancer on me." Because she's not trying to destroy the team. She's trying to help it by getting rid of you, who is the real cancer on the team. Speaking of cancer, did you know that Douche said in an interview that he explained his absence to be on this show to his employers by saying he had to have extensive tests for cancer? Twice? Asshole. His locks flowing free, Douche says getting rid of Candace will be "addition by subtraction." Kind of like how that soccer team he coaches will be getting much better now that he's been subtracted from the coaching staff.
Brendan returns to camp. Douche demonstrates a modicum of physical skill by being the first one to jump up and greet him. Brendan describes Exile "Island" truthfully except for one minor detail -- he says Taj got the urn with the clue in it, and she went off to look for it while he set up camp. He has no idea if she found it or not, but he thinks she's on the outs with her tribe. Brendan interviews that he's not going to tell anyone about the hidden idol at camp since his clue is way too general to be of much use. Meanwhile, he had a clue about digging ten paces away from a stick and he still couldn't get that, so he's going to have to wait until the urn comes with a GPS unit before he has much of a chance.
Candace corners off with Erinn and rallies to vote Douche out tonight. Erinn agrees that Douche looks strong, but really isn't. The only problem is, they think it's too soon to vote him out.
Sometime later, several people, including Douche and Candace, are sitting around the shelter that Sierra built. Tyson says they need to vote in a way that will make the tribe stronger. Douche agrees that they should "stick to the plan." Erinn asks for clarification as to what that plan is, and Douche says it's to vote Sierra out. Sierra has stupidly wandered off away from her tribe so as to allow this conversation to take place. She'd better be off getting an idol or there is no excuse for this. Douche tells us that the girls think Sierra is going home tonight, but he's going to get rid of Candace instead. He claims this will help the entire tribe as opposed to just Douche and Douche's ego.
But then there's more! Tyson talks to Jerry about his thoughts. Jerry doesn't seems to have many, agreeing that Candace is negative but also thinking about voting for Sierra. Tyson interviews that he'd rather get rid of Sierra, since she's "too small" for physical challenges like the one they had yesterday. Shut up, Tyson. Sierra and Candace were the best female performers for Tempura in the challenge. Erinn got taken down by a bus driver and Debbie sat out. Meanwhile, you were held back by freaking Sydney, which gave Stephen time to score the winning basket. So stop saying that Sierra's physical ability has anything to do with your vote tonight.
Douche sees women bathing in the water and sidles up to them to tell them that the plan tonight is to vote out Candace. Sierra doesn't really believe Douche when he says he isn't voting for her, but he says he makes his living off of people trusting him. Huh? Isn't he an (ex-)soccer coach and a conductor? How do either of those professions require a certain level of trust? He's not a CIA agent, even though I bet that he fantasizes about it late at night. He tells Debbie and Sierra to vote for Candace, being sure to caress Sierra's arm as he does so. EWWWW. Sierra interviews that despite what Douche told her, she knows her tribe wanted her gone before and they probably still feel that way. Douche tells Sierra to stop worrying. Sierra says she isn't worrying. Douche insists that she is worrying, then shows off his T-shirt tan. Sierra tells us that she is, indeed, worrying as she never found the idol. Moron!
Time lapse clouds race across the sky, and then ... wait, what? We're STILL not at Tribal? Geez. Candace and Erinn chat again. They're both sure they're strong enough not to be in danger tonight, especially since the men have been talking about voting Sierra out for the last six days. Erinn's still worried, but Candace tells her not to be: "it ain't you or me. They know what we're worth." Candace interviews that if Sierra doesn't go home tonight "then there's some mad shadiness going on around this tribe." I wonder if she talks like that in her closing statements. "If my client is not found innocent of all charges, then let the record show some mad shadiness going on around this jury. Break it down." Meanwhile, Tyson and Jerry just sit around and watch everyone scurry around and laugh at how scheme-y everyone is so early in the game as if either of them is above it.
FINALLY, we go to Tribal Council. Probst gives them the fire/torch/life speech and talks to Sierra first, asking her how she felt when she thought she had been voted out. Sierra says part of her wanted to give up and her face said so, so the way her team voted made sense at the time. Probst asks Tyson how he felt about Sierra. Tyson says she looked miserable and didn't help them pull anything off the truck. Probst then turns to Candace and asks if people talked about Sierra during the trek. Questions are coming fast and furious this week! Probst must have somewhere else to be tonight. Candace says there was some resentment because Sierra got to take a helicopter and they didn't, as if Sierra did this to screw the tribe over and not because it was her "reward" for almost being voted out. Probst asks Candace how she thinks the rest of the tribe feels about her. Candace thinks she gets along with everyone just fine, but she knows she has a tendency to talk a lot and "you never know." We cut over to Douche, of course, who smiles smugly, also of course.
Probst decides to talk to Douche, and asks him if anyone would tell him if he didn't "mesh" with the tribe this early in the game. Douche just says that you have to use your intuition to know how others feel about you, because no one is going to come out and say it. I hope they do soon, though. If Douche makes it to the jury, I will be so very sad.
Probst asks Brendan about Exile. He says it was "cool" to check it out and to meet Taj. For some reason, this means another question for Douche, as Probst asks him how everyone else felt about Brendan's Exile stay. Douche tells us that Brendan told them about the two urns and that Brendan didn't get the clue, and Douche trusts and respects Brendan "one hundred percent" that he was telling the truth about that. Douche is doing a really great job with that intuition thing, you guys. He really has these people figured out.
Jerry gets a chance to talk, as Probst asks him if he's surprised to see people trusting each other so early in the game. Probst obviously doesn't understand that Douche is (was) a soccer coach, and therefore knows everything about everyone. Jerry says trust is important, because if over half the tribe trusts you, you'll last much longer in the game than if they do not. Probst asks Jerry if it's difficult to vote someone out this early. Jerry says it is, because he's bonded with everyone in his tribe. Wouldn't that make it a lot harder as the game progresses and you get that much closer to everyone? Jerry doesn't make a lot of sense.
A musical stinger goes off as Erinn shakes her head at Jerry's comments. Probst notices it and asks her what her problem is. Erinn might want to practice hiding her feelings better in the future if she wants to stay in this game. She says the reality is that it's only been six days, so you really don't know anyone in the tribe, even the person you think you've bonded with the most. "I just think you need to be careful," Erinn says. Dumb Debbie frowns on such negativity and reasonableness, and speaks up to inform everyone that they aren't at the Holiday Inn. I think they know that by now, Debs. She says it's only been six days, but it's been an intense experience that creates a strong bond, starting with the trek. For someone who prides herself on not being negative, that sure was an asshole thing to say with Sierra sitting right there. Erinn says you might get to know people, but that doesn't necessarily mean you can trust them. I didn't like Erinn last week, but she clearly has a good head on her shoulders and will probably be eaten alive by all the other dumbasses on her tribe. Debbie says she has trust with several people on her tribe already. Has she never seen this show before? Moron!
With that, it's time to vote. We see Candace writing down Sierra's name. Sierra votes for Candace, saying she played a great physical game "but no one wants a snake in the grass." Then vote for Douche, Sierra. Candace wasn't trying to be sneaky; her downfall will be that she made her intentions too public. Douche goes off to vote with his coat over his shoulder like he's on the catwalk of a JC Penney fashion show. The editors cut to Probst, who has a perfect "what a douche" smirk on his face. Could it be any more obvious that everyone associated with this show hates Douche? I just hope the episode where he gets the boot is soon and satisfying.
Probst tallies the votes and asks if anyone wants to play the idol. Sierra is a moron, so she doesn't have it to play. She kind of deserves to get voted out just for that. How hard is it to walk ten paces towards a tree and dig??? Probst reads the votes. First vote is for Candace. Second vote is for Sierra. And then there's a second vote for Candace, who gets that "oh, shit, I've been screwed over" look on her face. A third vote for Candace is spelled "Candance." Heh. Looks like Jerry "Cantspell." Candace gets vote number four, and Douche smirks. Sierra smiles, too, but she's allowed to smile without seeming like an asshole because she has to be really relieved. Candace gets a fifth vote, and she's out. More smirks from Douche, who somehow manages to keep his tongue inside his mouth when Candace walks by him. Prost bids Candace adieu and congratulates Tempura on their awesome blindside. Is it really a blindside when it's a unanimous vote, though? The only person who was truly surprised was Candace. In her good-bye speech, she says she was an asset to Tempura and they'll regret getting rid of her. She's probably right. At the very least, whoever's face Douche licks now that Candace is gone will be sorry.
Sara Morrison has met only one soccer coach who is creepier than Douche. You can read more from her at L.A.me, which she occasionally updates when she has something to complain about. Or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.
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