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Okay, if you're reading this because you didn't see the episode, stop right now and see the episode. This won't do it justice. The reward challenge is an auction. Sugar bids out of spite against Randy, jacking up the price on beers and peanuts and then outbidding him on peanut butter and chocolate when he only has $320 left. Then she tries to get everyone else to do the same. Thus, many things are won for $340. But since Ken sucks at auctions, Randy still manages to get some spaghetti. Ken gets all of Bob's money and sends him to Exile. The last item is a plate of cookies to share with the tribe. Randy wins it and offers a cookie to everyone. Sugar refuses to take one from him, but he won't let her give her cookie to Matty. Instead, it's split between Corinne and Matty. Randy offers Sugar the last cookie on the plate -- his -- and this time she does accept it. Only to give it to Matty! She hates Randy more than she likes cookies! Randy is furious.
While the Fang alliance decides that Bob should be the to go, Randy tells Corinne about his new brilliant plan. He'll be even more awful than usual to turn everyone against him so they'll vote him off. But then he'll get the idol from Bob, who he hopes managed to find it at Exile. Bob, Randy, and Corinne will then vote Susie out. Randy is more than able to convince everyone to change their votes to him, and the Fangs know that there's no way Bob will get the immunity idol, so they're all set. But that's not enough for Sugar. Oh, no. You see, Bob took leave of his senses and told her about his fake idol, and she wants him to give it to Randy so he'll think he's got immunity, which will make his downfall all the more embarrassing. And that's exactly how it goes down.
But first, there's the greatest voting confessional of all time when Sugar calls Randy an alcoholic bigot who will die alone ("… LOSER!") and Crystal chooses to scream her vote out for all to hear. Incredible. Crystal sucked at yet another immunity challenge today, but that made up for everything. And then comes the moment we've all been waiting for. Randy plays his idol, and Probst stretches it out before announcing that it's not real. The Fang alliance and the jury burst out laughing, and Randy is shocked to go home. The most hateful person ever to play this game gets the comeuppance he so richly deserves. Perfect.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Probst lies again in the previously on segment, giving Ken full credit for all of the blindsides and even saying he was the one who convinced Susie to re-join his alliance when it was all Crystal. Lame. And Bob's fake idol gets a lot of attention, so I'm sure it won't have anything to do with tonight's episode at all.
The contestants return to camp. While the Fang alliance is in high spirits, Corinne and Randy are wearing frowns. Ha ha! Randy says he was sure he was going home tonight, but instead, the Fang alliance made the "smart vote" and took out Charlie instead, and how big of Randy to admit they made a smart move. "Charlie's got a lot of friends. I don't," he says. In fact, Randy, you don't have any friends. "Why did you guys pick Charlie?" Corinne asks, this time not saying anything about how he deserved to be in the game. Matty says Charlie was a "big threat." Corinne tells us that she's going to have to "re-evaluate" her situation in the morning, since Ken and Crystal are taking out her alliance. Um ... might be a bit late for that, Corinne.
The morning, Sugar goes off to the woods with Bob. "I want Randy out. Randy's awful," she says. Why bother with Bob, Sugar? You're in an alliance that has the majority. They hate Randy, too, and after his racist tirade last night I can't imagine that they'd want him to stay any longer than necessary. In fact, I would have thought Corinne and Bob would have made their move to get away from Randy as well. I would. I don't need millions of viewers at home thinking I'm in an alliance with a racist, especially if I'm a school teacher, Bob. That's actually worth more than a million dollars to me. Bob says there isn't much he can do for her, since he doesn't have the idol. "You don't?" Sugar says, so surprised. She's great. She says Bob still thinks the idol's out there, and she "kind of" feels bad about not telling him the truth but "it is hilarious," she says, laughing. Good for her for keeping a sense of humor about the fact that all these people think she's so stupid that there's no way she could find the idol after fifteen days on Exile "Island." Bob reveals that he made a fake idol and offers to show it to Sugar. Bob. What are you doing? That fake idol was your only chance to make some kind of move, and you just told someone on the enemy alliance about it. I don't get it. Bob says he's hoping it'll fool someone in the future, but he's only telling Sugar about it. Why her? Why anyone? Sugar tells us that she's guessing Bob has a reason for showing her his fake idol, but she's not sure what it is. All I can think is that he talked to Sugar about the hidden idol since he knew she was the only person left in this game who would have had the same difficulty trying to find it as he had, and possibly to feel her out and see if she admitted to finding it. Instead, he's given away his entire plan and gotten nothing in return.
Randy and Corinne go to the woods to plot. Corinne says she thinks Crystal, Ken, and Susie have a final three alliance, but Matty and Sugar are "too stupid" to figure out that they're on the outs. Yeah, Corinne? Last time you said Sugar was stupid, she fucked you over. It might be time to give her a little credit. Randy tells us that with a two person alliance, there's not much they can really do. He's planning on being his "same charming self." With that, Randy and Corinne agree that they hate everyone left in the game. Randy says he can't pretend to like people, and Corinne tells him to stay away from everyone except Matty, who he should try to work on. Randy tells us that they need someone to flip to their side, and Matty's the only real candidate. No matter which alliance he sides with, he's bound to be on the bottom. He's better off with Ken, Crystal, Sugar, and Susie, since they're probably less physical threats to individual immunity than Bob or Randy.
Randy and Corinne return to camp with treemail. It looks like the reward challenge will be the auction! Each contestant gets five hundred dollars. Corinne tells us that the only thing she's planning on spending her money on today is something that will help her progress in the game. "Nothing tastes better than five hundred dollars ... except a million," she says. Oh yeah? What about five hundred and one dollars? Five hundred and two? Eight thousand and thirty-nine? Seven hundred and fifty-three thousand, three hundred and eight? Okay, I'll stop.
The African voices sing us to the reward challenge. It is indeed an auction. I love the auctions! But I do miss the gross food challenge. Remember those? Probst goes over the rules: they can't pool money or share food. They said that last season, too, and then Erik gave Cirie a hundred dollars to lick her cake fingers and my trust was broken. The first item up for bid is a bucket of beer and some peanuts. That sucks, but Randy and Sugar start a bidding war anyway. Sugar makes a big jump from Randy's bid of $100 to $160, but Randy coolly bids $180 to win it. As he walks up to collect his prize, Sugar giggles that she didn't even want the beer -- she just wanted to make it as expensive as possible for Randy. Good for her. Meanwhile, three beers on a starving stomach? That's just asking for a really really drunk Survivor.
The item is a mystery. Randy and Ken go at it, with Randy topping out at $320. Ken doesn't seem to want to go any higher, but Sugar tells him that $320 is all Randy has left, so Ken bids $340 to win. Wow, Sugar really wants Randy's life to suck in the auction. It's actually more important to her than the food. She must hate him. A lot. Ken's prize is not food, but a scroll. It says he can send either himself or someone else to Exile "Island," and if he sends someone else, he gets all of his money. Ken says he needs money, so he sends Bob to Exile. Ken reminds us that he knows there's no idol out there for Bob to find, but that Bob will look for it anyway since he obviously couldn't find it the first time. Meanwhile, no one on the Kota alliance seems a bit suspicious that Ken just passed up the chance to look for the hidden idol himself.
The item is also covered. Ken, Matty, and Randy have a bidding war. Randy bids $320 again, and Ken says Randy can have it, even though Ken has more money than anyone and would still be okay if he spent it here. Just when it looks like Randy's going to walk away with another item, Sugar bids $340. Wow, she only did that to spite Randy. I don't think she even cares what she won, because the fact that she won it and Randy didn't is the best prize she could have gotten. And what did she win? Chocolate bars sitting in peanut butter! Sugar lets out a scream of joy at the sight. As Sugar licks the peanut butter off of her dirty fingers and probably gives herself some disease from the 1920s, Crystal says that was the prize Sugar was hoping for. Why do the models on this show love chocolate and peanut butter so much?
The item is a hot bath. Probst whips the blanket off of a bathtub full of soapy water. to it is shampoo and soap and Probst adds that the winner will also receive a fresh, clean set of his clothes. Randy starts the bidding at $320. I would think that for the sake of everyone who has to sleep near him, Sugar would let Randy win this one, but no. Susie bids $340, and Randy says he'll give $100 to bathe her if she wins. Everyone is creeped out. I think comments like this are one of the reasons why Sugar hates Randy so much. "Yeah. That's not gonna happen," Susie says. And with that, Susie wins her bath. Poor Ken, though -- as Susie goes to claim her prize, Sugar tells him that if he had won, she would have cuddled with his fresh clean self. "Will you cuddle with a rich man?" Ken asks. Not sure if he's talking about the $620 he has in his hands or the million he's assuming he'll win. I do have a feeling that that $620 is the most money Ken's ever held in his entire life.
And then they make Susie bathe in front of everyone, which I don't like because you know Randy is staring. For $340 they should have given her a shower curtain. Also, now she has to bid from her bathtub. The item is a hamburger, fries and Coke. Shockingly, Randy bids $320. Matty really wants the burger and bids $400. ""You can have it," Ken says. I don't get it. If I were Ken, I would've bid $520 for that and won it outright. What's the point of saving your money like that? Matty grins and takes his meal. Meanwhile, Susie decides she's done with her bath. Sugar doesn't understand. She tells Susie to enjoy the first bath she's had in twenty-eight days. For real. I've taken longer showers than that after a trip to the gym. Then again, I didn't have Randy sitting there watching me.
The item is covered. Ken bids $100. Randy bids $200. I guess he got tired of saying $320. Sugar urges Ken to "keep going" and outbid Randy. But Randy goes up to $280 and Ken gives up again, much to Probst's surprise. Ken says he's sure it'll be something bad, so Randy can have it. But Ken's wrong -- it's a bowl of spaghetti, garlic bread, and a glass of wine. "Good job, Randy!" Corinne says, the only person who sounds happy for him. "Sorry, man," Randy says to Ken. I hope he feels like an idiot. Meanwhile, that's now four alcoholic drinks Randy has consumed in a short amount of time. He's got to be trashed by now.
The item is a sealed bottle with a note inside that Probst says will give the winner an advantage in the immunity challenge. This is what Corinne has been waiting for, and she bids all $500 on it. Smart -- now no one except Ken has a chance to outbid her. And Ken doesn't seem to understand the point of auctions, so I doubt he'll do anything. Sure enough, he tells her she can have it. "Hope it was worth it," Corinne says. She won't find out until later, as Probst tells her the bottle must remain sealed until the immunity challenge.
The item is covered, and Probst says whoever bids first wins it for the entire tribe. Randy bids, earning him a "thank you, Randy," from Crystal, who has apparently entered opposite land in this reward challenge since she's thanking Randy and not bidding on items of food. Probst uncovers the item to reveal a plate of spiders! No, actually, it's chocolate chip cookies. There were no nasty items in this auction. Randy asks if he's allowed to eat them all himself. "For the tribe, Randy," Probst says, stern. Randy brings the plate over to the group and offers the cookies to each contestant individually. First up is Sugar, who declines. Maybe she's all sugared out from the chocolate and peanut butter, but I'm betting it's more that she hates Randy more than she likes food. I think that if Sugar was dying in a desert and someone offered her a canteen full of life-saving water or the chance to kill Randy, she'd go for the latter. Everyone else takes a cookie. Sugar tells Randy to give her cookie to Matty, but Randy says it's not her cookie to give -- it's his. "I'm the boss," he says. Then he offers Corinne Sugar's cookie. Corinne will only accept half, and Randy offers the other half to Matty. There's one cookie left on the plate, and Randy offers it to sugar one last time. This time she takes it ... and hands it to Matty. Probst can't believe it, so he decides to announce what just happened. Randy just gave up his own cookie to Sugar and she gave it to Matty. "Would you like to repeat that?" Randy says, looking like he could kill Probst. Corinne offers Randy the cookie she has left, but Randy declines. And with that, the auction is over. Way to lose, Ken. And, of course, Crystal. She can't win a challenge when it's just a matter of sitting down and shouting out amounts of money. Damn. Randy's post-auction comment is that Sugar can kiss his ass and he's planning on being worse than ever. On his way out, he generously hands Probst a twenty dollar tip. "Have a good night," Probst says. But he has to stay standing behind the auction podium because he totally shat himself when Randy threatened him.
The tribe heads back to camp. Some food in Matty's belly has made him vocal, and he tells Corinne that she made the right decision on waiting to bid before thanking Sugar for the extra cookie, calling it a "righteous gift." Randy is furious, and says the cookie wasn't a gift from Sugar -- it was Randy's cookie. Mattie got two and a half cookies, and Randy didn't get any. "Sorry," Matty says, as if he didn't know. Of course he knew! He just wanted the extra cookie more than he cared. "Not your fault," Randy says. Except that it is. Matty probably should have offered the cookie back to Randy. Then again, that's what Corinne did and Randy said he didn't want it. And Matty is a white male, and Randy doesn't want to be mad at him when there's a woman around he can be angry with instead. Randy tells us that he left the auction "broke, full, half-drunk, and pissed off." Don't forget racist! "I had room for one big cookie," he says at camp. Again, if he had room for it, then why didn't he take Corinne's? Why did he offer his cookie to Sugar in the first place? None of this makes sense. "I'm gonna burn this cross down in the day or so," he promises. Oh, sorry -- he said "house," not cross. But I'll bet he meant cross.
Meanwhile, Sugar is telling us that she's never seen a grown man get so angry over a chocolate chip cookie. Um, yeah, except that it's a chocolate chip cookie after a month of starving, which makes it a much bigger deal. And he sacrificed his own cookie so that you could have one, only to be slapped in the face. Randy's anger is understandable here. That doesn't make it any less fun to watch, though. Sugar says that she only took the cookie because Randy didn't want to give her one. He wanted to give everyone except her a cookie. Wait, what? He offered her a cookie like six times, and then he offered it again at the end! How did he not want her to have a cookie? This is the biggest scandal of the episode and I still don't completely understand what happened.
Matty finds Randy sitting with Corinne and asks if he's feeling better. Randy says he was treated "like a dog" at the auction today. "You set yourself up, Randy," Matty says; "you've gotta drop the attitude and just be cool." Too late for that now. Randy says he's not talking to anyone. Corinne finds herself in the good cop position and appeals to Matty to join their side and work with them while they can still force a tie vote and Matty might be able to better his position. Randy says Matty is on the outs with his alliance: "the final three in this game is Kenny, Susie, Ken, and Crystal." Hey -- that's four people! Oh wait, he just said Ken's name twice. 'Cause he's drunk. And full of carbs. Randy tells us that if Matty aligns with him, he'll have a shot at winning, except that I don't see how his chances are any better with one alliance than the other. "Fifth place ain't bad. It's nothing to be ashamed of," Randy says. Matty looks conflicted, but I think he's just having a hard time digesting all that burger and cookie.
Bob goes to Exile "Island." He goes for the clue again and they make him read it out loud even though he knows what it's going to say. Oh, I guess he didn't. Bob's bummed because he apparently didn't realize that he'd get the same clues to lead to the same idol he couldn't find the first time around. Moron! How does he not know the rules of the hidden idol? Why does he think there's a new one in a new hiding place every time? Bob's not going to bother looking for it, so he decides to expend a ton of energy hiking on his own Bob safari. He climbs to the top of a hill and says he came on this show to win and to find out who he was. Well, you're a guy who's okay with being in an alliance with a racist, for one. He's also got family and is really lucky and Africa is beautiful and stuff. This is the same realization everyone on this show has. Except for Randy. "I see why they call it the Garden of Eden," Bob says. Does anybody actually call it that besides Probst?
Back at camp, the Fang alliance plots. Ken and Sugar want Randy out . But Matty's got a different plan. He thinks Bob should go because he's probably the biggest individual immunity threat to the rest of them and he's too nice to keep around. Sugar tells us that Matty seems to be intent on taking control and getting rid of the physical threats, which will make it easier for him to win challenges. Dude, if you can't win a challenge against a fifty-seven-year-old physics teacher then you deserve to be voted out. Come on! Sugar is suspicious of Matty's motives for keeping Randy in the game, wondering if he wants to keep Randy until the end because it's good to go against an asshole in the final vote. Nevertheless, she agrees to take Bob out first. Randy approaches the hut, and Matty tells everyone to be quiet before shouting out the proposed boot order like ten times.
Epic music plays as Randy approaches the hut and stares at everyone inside. They stare right back. He walks away. Sugar rolls her eyes at the non-confrontation. Symbolic ants pick at a large beetle.
After the break, Randy approaches Corinne to give her a heads-up that today is the day he crashes and burns. Okay, but I've heard people threaten to burn the camp down before and they've never delivered. Randy had better deliver. He says he's been up all night trying to think of a "diabolical" plan to keep his alliance alive and take out the "worst person in this game." But ... the worst person in this game is Randy. He can't vote for himself. Randy says he's going to make everyone miserable all day long and be as nasty as possible so that the others will have no choice but to vote him out. Well, that will certainly mean the worst person in the game is going home, then. Oh wait -- phase 2 of this plan is to get the immunity idol from Bob and use it. The votes against him won't count. The remaining votes will be for Susie. She'll go home. How is Susie the worst person in this game? What happened to Randy's full-on hatred for the color of Crystal's skin? "That's a great plan!" Corinne says. Um ... no? First of all, they don't know that Bob can find the idol, let alone that he'd give it to Randy. And it's really never occurred to anyone that Sugar has the freaking idol already. Didn't Randy watch last season when freaking Amanda found it? Doesn't anyone wonder why Ken was so confident sending Bob back to Exile? Never underestimate people in this game. Randy says he wants Susie to go home, and he wants her to get blindsided out, too -- just like she helped blindside Marcus.
So, Randy begins Phase 1 of his plan. He sits to Matty and says that Susie can't yawn without making a loud noise. Then he imitates her. Inside the hut, the other members of the alliance say Randy is acting like a two-year-old. Sugar doesn't understand what Randy's trying to do here except start a fight. Randy even turns on Matty, saying he's the only "normal" person in the Fang alliance, but even he "whored" himself out. "Oh my god, don't do this, dude," Matty says. "You know you have," Randy says. Well, there goes any chance of Matty flipping to your alliance, Randy. This is a great plan indeed. And now, instead of the original plan to vote Bob out, Matty is ready to vote Randy out first. He says he's done everything he can to help Randy, but Randy doesn't want to take his advice. "Randy has to go home now," Matty says.
Randy moves inside the hut and starts talking about the cookies and how he didn't get any. He says he was in charge of the cookies, and could have thrown them all in the dirt if he wanted to, but instead he gave them to his tribe members. Yeah, after trying to eat them all himself first. Susie points this out, and Randy says he's tired of discussing this. "You're right. I'm done," Susie says. "Then shut the fuck up!" Randy says. Wow. What a blow up. Would you look at all the crashing and burning. Please. Crystal is pissed. She tells us that Randy needs to go. "He is a troll," she says; "he is wreaking havoc in the Nobag tribe." Matty and Susie talk outside the hut. They agree that Randy is going home as soon as possible, and Susie says that Randy doesn't seem like a very happy person. "I kind of feel sorry for him, actually," she says. "In a way, yeah," Matty agrees. I don't care how loud Susie yawns; she is good people.
For lunchtime, Randy sits off by himself and is delighted, saying he's got the rest of the tribe freaking out, which is perfect for him. The more they freak out, the better the chance they'll vote him out, he says. Except that even if this plan does work (and there's no way it will) and Susie goes, it'll still be 3 to 4. And they'll want Randy to go home . So he's really only bought himself three more days, and those were three more days that he already had. Amazing.
Immunity challenge time! Probst takes Susie's necklace back (just for now -- you know she's winning it again!) and explains today's challenge. Everyone has to get across a balance beam obstacle course carrying bags of puzzle pieces. The first two people to get their three bags across the finish line move onto the final round, where they must place the "puzzle blocks" inside their bags on a multi-angled platform while navigating through a rope maze. Hitting one of the ropes will cause the platform to wobble and tip over the puzzle blocks. Once all the blocks are set up, the player hits the first one, and the rest fall into each other like dominoes, with the last one releasing a flag. Damn, that's complicated. Oh, and what's Corinne's advantage? An automatic pass to the final round.
Everyone else lines up, and I am psyched to see Crystal finally unleash her blazing, Olympic medal-winning speed on this thing. Surely she won't hold back at this late stage of the game! They begin, and Matty takes the lead. Ken and Bob soon follow, each getting one bag across the line. Meanwhile, Crystal is not speeding at all. Such a disappointment. Even Susie is beating her. You know, Crystal's Survivor performance is starting to make me think that I could win an Olympic gold medal, too. At the high jump. And I'm 5' 1". Matty gets his second bag across, followed by Ken. Bob gets his second bag across, too, but he slips at the end of the balance beam and even though he lands (on his side, ouch!) across the line with the bag, Probst decides that it doesn't count and sends him back to the start. Matty is the first to get his three bags across. Susie gets her second bag in. Sugar and Crystal have yet to get one bag across. I'm not sure how Randy is doing. He seems to be falling a lot. Probably still dunk. I was so hoping Susie would get the last spot and win this thing, but Ken makes it first.
And now, the final round. While Matty and Corinne are putting their pieces on at the beginning, Ken decides to begin at the end. That might be a very good strategy; you have the best chances of hitting a trip wire and knocking the pieces over when you have the least amount of pieces to lose. Matty almost knocks his progress over immediately upon knocking into a trip wire. But even though he hit the rope pretty hard and the platform wobbled quite a bit, his pieces stayed upright. Ken's skinny body makes it easy for him to get through the ropes. Or not, as he becomes the first player to knock his pieces over. Although they didn't fall off the platform; they just toppled into each other. So really, that's not a bad thing. Maybe it would be best to get all the pieces on the board face down and then stand them up? And then we jump quite a bit, as suddenly Ken and Matty are putting their last pieces on the board. Ken is the first to get all his pieces on the board. He knocks the first one over ... but his dominoes aren't spaced correctly and the domino effect stops pretty quickly into it. Then it's Matty's turn to try, with Ken and Corinne following closely behind. They all knock their blocks over at seemingly the same time, so now it's a domino race to the finish. Corinne's is the first to fail, and she shakes her head sadly. Matty's stops, too. And Ken's? He makes it all the way to the end and wins immunity. He dork-walks over to Probst and has the necklace placed around his neck. Corinne gives us the post-challenge wrap-up, saying that she needed to win this, and she didn't. Her only hope is that Bob found the idol. "I was so close," she says. But not really, since she only made it to the final round because of her auction win and she did the worst of the three in there.
The tribe arrives back at camp. Everyone congratulates Ken, except for Randy, of course. He tells us that he needs Bob's idol because he's almost certain he's being voted out tonight. He repeats the plan that if the incredibly veiny (I am glad I don't have HDTV) Bob gives him the idol, then his alliance will be able to vote out whoever they want -- right now, it's looking like Susie. Randy talks to Corinne. They agree that it looks like the Fang alliance is gunning for Randy. I'll bet Randy thinks this is just proof that his master plan is working, when in reality that master plan doesn't make any sense. He says that if Bob "semi-offers" him the idol, he'll take it.
Sugar and Bob go to the woods for some plotting. Stock footage of an elephant watches as Bob, who's still wearing his buff bowtie even though he's otherwise topless, says he doesn't have the idol, although he doesn't think Sugar will believe him. She assures him that she does, because "I have ... " and I totally thought she was going to stupidly reveal that she had the idol. " -- Your best interests in mind," she finishes. Damn, she's good. She tells Bob that "it might behoove [him] to vote against Randy." Anyone who uses a word like "behoove" in casual conversation is not stupid. This isn't Paloma with her prouncing or Kelly who doesn't know what asset means. I can't believe these people don't realize that yet. Sugar says a vote against Randy could buy Bob some more time -- and if it doesn't, she has "another plan." This plan shall henceforth be known as The Greatest Plan Ever To Be Planned On Survivor. Randy's plan this episode -- to be even more of an asshole so the tribe would definitely vote him out -- was never in contention for that title. It didn't even make the Top Ten. Or even the Top Fifty ... Thousand. Sugar tells us that Randy is an ass, as if we didn't already know, and she "loath[es] him with every inch of [her] being." And she comes right out and says that Randy is a bigot. YES! It's about time someone said it already. Why did it take this long? I would have brought it up as soon as the producers allowed me to talk on the way back from that last Tribal Council. In the hut, Sugar ascertains that Bob hasn't told anyone else about his idol failure and then suggests that Bob give Randy his fake idol. "It would be hiLARious," she says. Yes. Yes it would. I love you, Sugar. Bob tells us that he's happy to go along with Sugar's joke, since if Randy goes home tonight, Bob stays in the game. Ah hahahahahaha!
And now we're getting cutaways to symbolic spiders, so you know someone's onto a plan that's going to viciously trap someone else. Corinne pulls Bob aside and says their only chance is if he found the idol. In fact, she says she's assuming he found it. He nods that he did. Wow. Not only does Corinne think so highly of Bob that she assumes he must have found the idol, but she thinks so little of Sugar that she wouldn't have gotten it first. The best part of Sugar's plan is that so much of it hinges on everyone underestimating her. Every time they think she's stupid, they dig their own grave a little deeper. Corinne tells him not to tell anyone else he found the idol, "especially not Sugar." Ha ha ha ha! She urges Bob to give the idol to Randy to save all of them. Bob says that if he thinks the Fangs are going for Randy, he'll give the idol to him and vote for Susie. "I love you!" Corinne says. Hee hee hee. Heeee. It's nice to see Bob actually playing this game for a change. I just wish he was playing it with more clothes on.
In the hut, Bob shows Randy his idol. Randy is quite pleased. He tells Bob that it's his call to do what he wants with the idol. Bob says that he's pretty sure Randy has pissed everyone off enough to be the one going tonight. So the idol should go to him. "I love what you're thinking there," Randy says. So do I. Randy tells us that he saw Bob's idol and he's thrilled, especially because Bob said he's willing to give it to him. In the woods, Bob gives Randy the idol and agrees to vote for Susie. Randy says that if Bob makes it to the finals and he doesn't, he'll vote for Bob to win the million for this. So, now all Bob has to do is look sufficiently shocked when the idol is called a fake and hope Randy believes that he didn't know it was a fake. Bob walks away, and Randy tells us that Bob did "one of the most selfless acts [Randy has] ever seen" and gave him the idol. What, you mean Bob somehow managed to top your incredibly generous mandatory cookie giveaway? I didn't think it was possible! Randy can't wait to see the surprised faces at Tribal Council tonight. He pulls the idol out of the bag: "looks like an idol to me." I'm starting to think that they might actually pull this thing off.
Bob tells Sugar the good news. She's so happy. So very happy. This is going to be the greatest comeuppance this game has ever seen. And since the editors chose to show it all unfold before Tribal Council, we get to be in on it along with Sugar. Although it worries me that they're giving so much away -- is it because the plan does not work out after all? I couldn't bear it. I need to see Randy go down. A symbolic spider catches a beetle. Excellent. Randy is the beetle! Sugar returns to the hut and tells Ken and Crystal that tonight is going to be "the funkiest night of your life." Crystal looks doubtful. "Wait for it. Wait for it," Sugar says. And with that, they're off to Tribal Council.
Tribal Council begins. Marcus and Charlie arrive and take their spots on the jury. Sugar mouths "sorry" to Charlie, but she's not that sorry. Probst says that the auction should have ended happily with everyone eating cookies, but it didn't. He asks Sugar what happened. Gah, really? Do we have to go over this AGAIN? Sugar says that when Randy offered her the last cookie, she didn't realize it was his and simply gave it to Matty. "And we've heard about it for three days," Sugar concludes. At this point, I feel like I have, too. Probst asks Randy if he played the auction the right way. Randy says he was "testing" Sugar by offering her his cookie, and that he could have stepped on all the cookies or choose to be generous and offer them to the tribe. He chose to be generous, and even offered Sugar a cookie twice. Except that he only "chose" to be generous after asking Probst if he couldn't have all the cookie to himself and being ordered to give them to his tribe mates. But he doesn't mention that. "It's freaking cookies. My god, we're grown-ups. It's stupid," Sugar says, as if she can't think of any possible reason why Randy would be upset about what she did, or that she didn't do it for the sole purpose of pissing him off.
Probst asks Susie why the cookie incident is representative of this game right now. Susie says this game makes you see people's true colors, and she's wondered if Randy is "really like this." She's decided that Randy's probably "really hurting" and she feels sorry for him: "he probably is really sad." He probably is. But I don't feel sorry for him. That's why Susie is a better person than I am. Randy doesn't like Susie's comment at all, though, as he thinks that she's calling him pathetic. "I don't mean it that way," Susie says. "I was totally sincere with the cookie, too," Randy says; "I swear I was. That's why I went off today." Marcus and Charlie must be very confused at this point.
Probst asks Corinne if something happened at camp today with Randy. Corinne says that he doesn't know what started it, but Randy told Susie to shut the fuck up. Over on the jury bench, twin sets of well-plucked eyebrows raise. "That's a very awkward thing to be sitting through," Corinne says. I have a feeling Corinne sits through many awkward moments, although this was one of the few times that she didn't cause it. Probst asks Crystal if she can feel the tension. Crystal says she can, and that in any other circumstance if someone disrespected a grown woman the way Randy did, "that's hands down for a slap." But ... if you're going to slap someone, shouldn't your hand be up? Also, I do not think telling someone to shut up should be met with violence, but a slap is better than being stabbed in the face, so Crystal > Corinne. Probst asks if Randy might be playing a game of his own. Dude, Probst. Shut up. What the fuck? Crystal's answer doesn't make much sense. But then, neither does Randy's game.
Probst turns to Bob and asks him if anyone's talked to him about the idol. Bob says yes, but he's stayed quiet on whether or not he has it. Sugar gives Bob a strange slap on the leg, possibly warning him to shut up so her amazing plan isn't foiled by a man who talks too much. Probst asks Randy if he's worried tonight, looking at all the animosity directed towards him. Randy says he is, but thirty days is "a pretty good run." With that, it's time to vote.
Corinne votes for Susie, saying "payback's a bitch." Yes, I know. And I can't wait for Randy's payback. I can't wait!!! But we can't skip to Probst reading the votes, because look what Sugar said with her vote for Randy: "you are a disgusting, old, hot-headed, chauvinistic, alcoholic bigot, and you need to grow up before you die alone ... LOSER!" That was glorious. Sugar is the greatest person ever to be on my television screen. Randy votes for Susie, saying it's not strategic, but personal. Much like Sugar's plan to take Randy out. He's going home no matter what, but now he'll look as stupid as possible. Why bother showing us any more votes after Sugar's? Nothing can top it! Oh, wait -- here comes Crystal. And she is not even going to whisper. "YOU HAVE MADE MY LIFE HELL FROM DAY ONE. FORGET YOU, GO HOME, GOODBYE!" We cut outside the booth, where everyone can hear her. Randy looks terrified. Sugar starts laughing. The jurors are similarly entertained. And this clears up a small mystery for me. A few months ago, I was sitting at home when I heard a female voice saying something about making her life hell and going home. I couldn't for the life of me figure out where it was coming from, but now I see that it was actually Crystal's vote all the way in Gabon. Crystal sits back down with an amazing sassy hair toss, and that was the best vote ever. Even better than when Erik gave up immunity and they broke convention by showing everyone's vote before Probst's reveal.
And now it's time. It's fucking time! I can't wait! I can't believe it! Sugar's plan is actually going to work! This never happens! And best of all, it's completely unnecessary to the game and serves no strategic purpose. This was motivated by Sugar's complete and total and well-deserved hatred for Randy and maybe a little bit by the fear that if he knew he was definitely going home tonight he'd kill them all and burn down the camp. Also, this plan never could have been possible if it wasn't for Randy's parallel plan that made no sense and his alliance's refusal to even consider the fact that Sugar had the idol herself. Randy could have stayed in the game tonight, but he basically engineered his own embarrassing downfall. And the editors knew that we would want to be in on it for as long as possible, so they made the unprecedented move of showing us what was going to happen as far in advance as possible, just to make it all the more satisfying to watch. And it will be.
Probst heads off to get the votes. Sugar has not stopped laughing since Crystal's vote. She is a giggler. Probst returns with the urn and announces it's idol playing time. Randy stands up and the intense violin score kicks into high gear. Sugar puts on an amazing act of shaking her head and looking upset. The rest of the Fang alliance are not so convincing, as they are laughing their asses off. I wonder how much they knew about what was going to happen beforehand. Marcus and Charlie mug for the camera. Corinne looks very satisfied with herself and confident that the game has changed, and even winks at her alliance mates on the jury. Randy grins like the cat that ate the canary. Probst looks at the idol: "this is ... not a hidden immunity idol," he says, with perfect timing. Sugar finally explodes with laughter. Crystal is so happy she's crying. Randy is clearly shocked. Bob doesn't do a very good job looking surprised that the idol he gave Randy wasn't real. Marcus and Charlie on the jury are still smiling. Perhaps they do not realize that this means that Randy is going to be joining them at Ponderosa. Probst tosses the idol in the fire after all of Bob's hard work. And now it's time for the votes. Who cares? We all know the result: Randy goes HOME!!! HOME!!! INTO THE JURY BOX WITH YOU, BITCH! Wow. One of the greatest plans in this show's history went off without a hitch, and it was completely unnecessary to the game. In fact, it only served to take Randy's jury vote away from Sugar and possibly Bob if he realizes he was in on it. But Sugar hated Randy so much, and he was so freaking horrible to her and everyone else, that it was worth it to her to not only vote him out, but to do it in the most humiliating way possible. And it was fantastic.
And for Randy's exit speech, he says some stuff but I couldn't hear any of it because I was too busy imitating the "wah wah wah" he gave Crystal after she lost that reward challenge.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, which she occasionally updates when she has something to complain about. Or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com, especially if you want to commiserate with her about the fact that there's a new recap episode on freaking Thanksgiving.
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