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Fang is still feeling low, and Crystal clumsily spills their last bit of rice on the ground, making them even lower. She goes without food to make up for what she lost, and Fang promptly loses the Reward Challenge, which is a game of keep-away. For some reason, Fang puts Sugar in the middle instead of Crystal. Crystal, who is eight feet tall and angry. Weird. Kota gets a helicopter ride, a picnic, and letters from home, which Bob reacts to by bawling his eyes out. Oh, and they send Sugar to Exile again. Whatever.
Then it's straight to the Immunity Challenge, except this time it's for individual immunity with both tribes having to vote someone out. Despite Bob being a college log-rolling champion, he loses to Sugar, who then loses to Marcus. Yes, Marcus the Magnificent wins again. He also gets to give immunity to someone from Fang, and it goes to Sugar. With Matty and Ace determined to vote against Crystal, and Crystal and Ken determined to vote against Ace, it comes down to Sugar. Ken tells her that Ace is using her for her immunity idol, but she's not sure if she can trust him until Ace asks her to give him the immunity idol, just as Ken told her he would. Ace dug his own grave, and he goes home. YAY!!! Hooray for Sugar and Ken!
And over at Kota, Dan continues to be weird, needy, and paranoid, so everyone else wants to get rid of him. Then Susie takes all leave of her senses and tells Corinne she was going to vote for her, and Corinne immediately wants Susie gone. Corinne also wants to stab Susie in the eye. Corinne has anger issues. There's also the fear that Dan has the immunity idol, so Kota carefully arranges it so that if Dan uses the idol, it'll be Susie who goes home instead of, say, Corinne. Since Dan doesn't have the idol, he's voted out. Don't hog the food time, guy.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!And we open with the previously on segment that tells us how awesome Kota is and has been all season, which I can't really argue with anymore. It was one-sided and unfair in the beginning, but now that we've had five episodes for Fang to prove themselves and they've gone from bad to worse, it's pretty accurate. Except that I wouldn't say Kota is such as great tribe so much as Fang just can't get it together. Nor would I agree that "the entire [Kota] tribe was united," especially when Probst follows that up with an "except Dan and Susie." Dan and Susie make up almost 30% of the tribe. That's not an insignificant minority. Also, it presumes that Susie has an opinion one way or the other. Probst does have the grace not to say anything nasty about Kelly when he says she was voted off last week.
A praying mantis brings us into Fang, where Ken and Matty are preparing to make another bowl of rice. Matty complains that there's nothing to eat as he grabs a handful of rice from the side of the pot. I see one grain of rice fall out of his hand and onto the ground, uneaten. WASTEFUL. Matty says he's hopeless about his tribe. And with that, Crystal knocks over the box of what little rice they have left. Her "oh shit!" face is amazing. I didn't think anyone not in a cartoon made the surprised face like that, with the eyes bugging out and the mouth in a perfect little "o." She quickly sets about scooping it up and putting it back in the box while Matty makes a face. He's pissed, he tells us. Crystal just dumped the most important thing Fang has all over the ground. Except that she didn't do it on purpose and she should be able to save most of it. People make mistakes. "I wanted to just lay into her and chew her out," Matty says as he and Ace look at each other and nod. "You can't cry over spilled milk," Matty then tells us, except that that's exactly what he's doing and rice, unlike milk, can be picked up and put back with no harm done. Ken makes a pot of rice and everyone digs in except Crystal. She's decided that to make up for the rice she spilled, she won't eat. "Crystal, eat," Ace says. "Ace, you eat," Crystal says. Be careful, Crystal! The last time you ordered someone to eat rice, he threw a hissy fit and quit! I think Crystal's doing the right thing here, by the way. If you spill the rice, you must pay the price! And she has, so the matter should now be closed. But Ken uses this non-confrontation as an example of how Fang can't work together. He tells us that Ace and Matty seem to be teaming up like Double Dragon's Billy and Jimmy Lee, and he doesn't like that one bit. Meanwhile, Ace tells us that by knocking the rice over, Crystal has done him a favor and made herself the "lamb to the slaughter." I don't know about you, Ace, but Crystal doesn't look like a lamb to me.
And then we have super-fast opening credits. Why? If they're running short on time, they should trim some of the fat of Probst's previously on segment. Or cut out one of the 10,000 shots of elephants (but keep in all the baby elephant shots. So cute!).
We head over to Kamp Kota, where everyone is hanging out around the fire having a great time. Corinne tells the gang that her mother told her not to curse on the show, lest the viewing audience find her "trashy." I can't imagine the series of winces and cringes that flew across Momma Corinne's face when she saw her daughter proclaim to be the biggest bitch ever in that first episode. Dan is not enjoying this time, however. He tells us that Charlie, Marcus, and Corinne seem very close, and it makes him feel left out and insecure. Instead of feeling that way and leaving it with the cameraman, however, Dan goes to Corinne and Marcus on the dock and tells them that he's very sensitive and doesn't like feeling left out. Corinne nods and listens sympathetically, only to tell us that Dan seems "socially inept in a lot of ways" and is quite possibly a "former fatty." Momma Corinne is not pleased at all right now. And though her words are a bit harsh, Corinne is kind of right. By the time you're in your early thirties, you can't go up to people and ask them to be your friend like that. Of course, most people in their early thirties don't form exclusive little cliques that make the people around them feel like outsiders, either. Dan says that on Fang, he isolated himself because he didn't like anyone there, but here it's the opposite -- he likes everyone but feels like they're isolating him. "Dan is the ultimate paranoid human being," Marcus tells us. That makes Dan a liability, and Marcus says he can't save Dan from himself anymore. Not like Marcus would have saved Dan anyway. Instead, he'll just lie to Dan's face that everything's cool and this talk has been very productive and give him a pat on the back as they walk away.
Reward Challenge time! No one at Kota seems to care that Kelly is gone, and Probst explains the challenge. There are two playing fields; one for each tribe. While three members of one tribe throw a breakable ball around the field, a member of the opposing tribe will try to intercept the ball and smash it. Survivor Keep-away, basically. During Probst's explanation, the challenge re-enactment people optimistically show yellow balls hitting the ground and breaking open several times, because they're not going to give up on Fang even if I already have. Each time a ball breaks, the other team gets a point and the first team to have three points wins a helicopter ride to a "beautiful location" where they'll have a huge picnic, which Probst reveals. "Cheese!" Dan says dorkily. Kota sits Corinne and Charlie out, with Corinne saying they'll be the "cheerleaders" today. Way to emasculate Charlie, Corinne.
For the first round, we have Ace as Fang's attacker and Randy as Kota's. The round doesn't last long, as Randy shows surprising speed and agility in charging Ken, who tries to toss the ball to Crystal but doesn't quite get the strength behind it, and the ball smashes on the ground in a pick-up shot. "It's over!" Randy cries, his usual obnoxious self.
And for the second round, we've got Bob as Kota's attacker and Sugar as Fang's. Um, what? Sugar? Really? Don't they have Crystal, who's seven feet tall? And supposedly Olympic-level fast? Why aren't they using her? Sugar doesn't disappoint, however, as Randy makes growling sounds in his corner and a disgusted Sugar says "this guy is so ugly over here. He's such an ugly person. And mean." And thus, Sugar begins her campaign of awesomeness for this episode. "This should be fun," Probst says. Randy doesn't seem at all phased, most likely because he's heard statements like Sugar's from a lot of women over the years. Like, all of them. And will for many years to come. The round begins. Sugar is slow and ineffective, while Bob is a freak of nature, flinging his 57-year-old body at all players, knocking Ken and Ace over and tripping over ropes. "Sugar doing nothing. Absolutely nothing," Probst says. I guess with Kelly gone, he has to pick on the blonde girl. Crystal watches from her seat on the ground. Why is she on the ground? Why isn't she playing? Why isn't she in the middle of Kota's field slamming Randy's head into a pole? Meanwhile, Bob slams into Matty. On the other field, Sugar giggles. Finally, Ace's throw is knocked askew by Bob and the red ball smashes open on the ground.
Third round: Matty is attacking for Fang and Dan is attacking for Kota. Dan comes out swinging, and tackles Ace as he gets the ball. Ace tries to throw it to Sugar, but it hits the post and smashes open. Fang loses, to the surprise of no one. Kota then sends Sugar to Exile, to the surprise of no one. Probst remarks on how Sugar has now broken some kind of Exile record, and off she goes. "Sugar is a pin-up model. She is completely worthless when it comes to challenges. So when it comes to Sugar and this game, I would really really desire her to go," Matty tells us. With that, Probst tells Kota they'll be having a fun afternoon, and Randy takes the opportunity to give Corinne a tight hug. As Kota heads off to their helicopter for a day of fun and food, Matty says it's awful to see them get everything and his tribe get nothing.
Kota enjoys their helicopter ride and the view of the African plains and an "incredible crater," as Bob describes it. He says the only thing beating faster than the helicopter rotor was his heart. Uh oh. Does Gabon have a hospital with a cardiac care unit? Bob is old and fragile-looking, if not fragile-acting. I worry about him. The helicopter lands on a flat stretch of land overlooking the crater, and Marcus immediately steps at the very edge and makes everyone nervous. Susie gets a chance to speak and tells us it was amazing scenery and something she never thought she'd get to experience. And when we see it in a wide shot, it really is amazing.
And then we go over to Fang. Matty is truly negative and through with Fang this week, and says he has never been so embarrassed in his life as he was today. Because he lost a game? I can think of things that are much more embarrassing than that, but then again, I'm not a jock who expects to dominate every sport I've ever tried. Even so, I still don't see how losing is more embarrassing than, say, shitting your pants in public. Matty sets in with talking shit about Sugar, saying when he looked over at her during the challenge, she wasn't even trying to get Kota's ball. "As long as there's physical challenges, we're gonna lose," Matty says. Well, as long as there are physical challenges that require the person competing to be tall and strong for the best chance of winning and you put Sugar in over Crystal, then yes, you will. Ace listens, but doesn't bother to defend Sugar. And then Matty asks him to join him on a boat ride, not even trying to hide his alliance anymore.
Sure enough, Matty's talking strategy on the boat. He wants Sugar gone, and tells Ace that if he, Crystal, and Ken vote for her then Ace won't have to stab her in the back, as if Ace cares about that. Poor Matty is assuming that Ace made a promise to Sugar not to vote her out and that sticking to that promise is important to him, because that kind of a promise is important to Matty. That's why Matty sucks at this game. Matty says with Sugar gone, he and Ace will make it to the merge easily. Ace still doesn't want to vote for Sugar, so Matty says that if Ace wants an alliance with him, he needs to do something to show Matty he can trust him. How is voting out your closest ally a sign of trustworthiness, exactly? Matty says they have to either get rid of Sugar or her idol. "But we have the idol in her pocket," Ace says, always obsessed with pockets and things being in them. Also, he clearly doesn't understand the rules of the idol. Sugar having it does not necessarily mean that you have it, and even if she did give it to you, you can only use it once. And only one person can use it. "Don't you see the logic of that?" Ace asks. "Yeah, I see that logic," Matty says. What logic? There is no logic. That boat is a logic-free zone, and has been ever since Matty and Ace used it to get up close and personal with a wild elephant. Sure enough, Matty does a complete 180 and suddenly, he's all about keeping Sugar and voting Crystal out . You know, if Ace wasn't so overly confident, he'd say he was all for Matty's plan to vote Sugar out and then tell Sugar about it, have her use the idol, and then he and Sugar would basically choose who to vote out . And Matty wouldn't hold it against him since he told Ace not to vote for Sugar in the first place.
Back on shore, Crystal and Ken stare at Matty and Ace in the boat, knowing full well what they're talking about. Ken says now is the time to blindside Ace, and Crystal very much agrees. Ken asks Crystal if she trusts him completely. She says she does. Ken says he'll talk to Sugar. As Matty and Ace return back on dry land, Crystal tells us that Ace is the devil and is tricking Matty into doing his bidding, so Ace has to go.
And over at the Kota picnic, Randy is charming the pants off of everyone by saying that the best part of this picnic is that Fang isn't getting it, and they're probably out of rice, too. A man walks up, saying excuse-moi, which the show helpfully translates for us as "excuse me." I never would have known otherwise. He hands the contestants a packet of letters from home, which they are thrilled to receive. Susie's letter is from one of her kids, and from what I can read of it, it looks like the kid doesn't get along very well with her father, and even blames him for failing to keep up the garden. Such drama going on at Susie's house! Meanwhile, Randy appears to be holding some letters, but I cannot, for the life of me, imagine who or what they're from. Randy has no family he speaks to, according to his bio. He has a dog, but dogs can't write letters. Also, that dog is dead, which makes it even less likely to have written him a letter. Then again, we don't actually see him actually reading any letters. Maybe he didn't get any, but is that possible? Could he really be that alone? I mean, even serial killers get visitors in jail.
Meanwhile, Bob did get letters, and he's bawling his eyes out over them. He leaves the group so he can have the spotlight all to himself as he stands and sobs like no man I've ever seen. Or woman, really. Corinne comes over to get some camera time and hugs Bob. "Your family loves you, Bob!" she says, while forgetting to read the section of her mother's letter to her that warned her not to look trashy on national TV by threatening to stab another contestant in the face (spoiler!). Bob just makes some high-pitched unintelligible noises and has to sit down, weakened from all the emotion or possibly blood loss from papercuts from the huge pile of letters he received. Note that Randy's hands are papercut-free. Also, please recall that Bob is a high school physics teacher in Maine, which means that right now there are upwards of fifty Maine teens watching this and laughing their asses off. For the first time in their lives, they are looking forward to physics class tomorrow, where they will ask their teacher about how outside forces can cause a tear to decelerate as it slides down one's cheek. Bob starts reading, and the handwritten letter in nice handwriting is clearly from his wife, who begins her letter with talk of someone named Peggy and her recent phone call. The second paragraph starts with "It is 5:49 pm." Okay, Bob's wife is officially freaking boring. Randy stares at Bob, confused as to how anyone could have feelings for other people. Bob says the usual stuff about how getting these letters made him appreciate and miss his family all the more. "I can't wait to get home to them," he says. Be careful what you wish for, Bob.
Oh, and just in case you were wondering, Sugar is eating fruit in the Sugar Shack. She giggles that she doesn't even know what's going on in this game, since she's never really playing it. Fortunately, Ace keeps her informed. On the other hand, Sugar says, she's pretty sure she and Ace are using each other, and while the rest of Fang might think she's naïve and stupid, she's sticking with Ace because she thinks he's the strongest player in the game right now. Well, color me surprised. I didn't think she'd put any thought into it in the first place. There's hope for her yet!
And now, suddenly, it's time for the Immunity Challenge. There are two platforms on a lake. One is for Probst to stand on and judge, and the other has a big log on it that will be today's competition. The tribes enter and Sugar returns to her tribe. Crystal and Ken make sure to give her a warm hello, with Crystal looking friendlier than I've ever seen her. Probst takes back the immunity idol before announcing that tonight, both tribes will be sending someone home. Everyone is shocked, and Kota is especially annoyed. Probst says the good news is that the winner of this competition gets individual immunity, which comes in the form of a huge ugly necklace that looks like it could rip a hole in the wearer's throat with one wrong move. Probst explains that the challenge is a good old-fashioned log roll, and each player will be matched up against another contestant, and not necessarily one from the other tribe. How interesting, then, that the log is painted with Fang colors on one side and Kota on the other. Could it be that this only became an individual immunity challenge once the producers saw that Fang was losing all the challenges and so they'd have to find a way to force Kota to go to Tribal Council? Hmmm.
Dan tells us that he senses that he could be in danger of being voted out tonight, so he wants to win this challenge; "and not just win by a little. Win by a lot." Okay, first of all, it's a log roll. You can't really win it by "a lot." And second of all, I'm pretty sure they pulled that quote from an earlier episode. Probst says that if that's not enough twists, there's one more thing, but they won't find out what that is until after the challenge.
After a cheesy ("Cheese!" -- Dan) through-the-immunity-necklace wipe, we head into the first round: Dan vs. Ace. By the way, Ace has got some lame ankle tattoos. They look like something I drew when I had to decorate my 6th grade pyramid project in social studies class. Dan goes into the water pretty quickly, much to his and Crystal's disappointment.
up is Charlie vs. Crystal. Crystal is a former Olympian, while Charlie used to be fat. Needless to say, Crystal is on the log for all of two seconds before sliding off. She is a disgrace!
And then it's Matty vs. Marcus, much to Probst's excitement. He loves those hot young men! Marcus almost falls in, but thanks to some extra picnic protein, he's able to get himself back on top of the log while Matty slides off. I'm sure the rest of Fang is humiliated in Matty's poor performance.
And then it's Randy vs. Susie in the clash of the freaking titans. Susie's off the log quickly, and Randy is thrilled to bits to have beaten his fellow teammate, a middle-aged woman.
Oh, okay -- THIS is the clash of the titans: Ken vs. Sugar. They both giggle, and then they're on their way into the water. Ken hits it first.
And for our final first-round match-up, we have Bob vs. Corinne. Before they start, Bob feels the need to share that he won some lumberjack log roll in college. Whoa, Bob, keep that to yourself until after you've won the thing. That's like winning the gold medal for running in the Olympics and then failing to make it up a hill unassisted. You don't want that kind of embarrassment. Corinne just says "of course," since Bob has pretty much done everything in his 500 years on this planet. Meanwhile, Bob has chosen to wear his little shorts for this competition, so all of his physics students who laughed at him for crying must be feeling very uncomfortable now. Because if there's one thing I never, ever, EVER want to see, it's one of my teachers in his underwear. Tight, wet underwear, too. The match begins, and Bob teases Corinne before sliding her into the water, choosing to dismount the log with a back flip. For all that showing off, he'd better win this thing.
For the first semi-final round, we have Charlie vs. Ace. I am cheering for Charlie all the way. Ace appears to be off-balance for the whole match, but is able to run fast enough to keep from falling off. He and Charlie hit the water at about the same time, but Probst calls Ace the winner. Crap.
Second round: Marcus vs. Randy. Marcus is perfect, so Randy doesn't have a chance.
Third round: Sugar vs. Bob. Bob is a log-rolling champion, so Sugar doesn't have a chance ... OR DOES SHE? Bob slips, but manages to stay on the log and even stand back up before both he and Sugar fall off the other side of the log. Bob hits the water just before Sugar does, which makes her the winner. "The log rolling champion hits the water first -- will be ridiculed back home!" Probst says. Ha! He will, too. For many reasons. I can't imagine what his physics classes were like the day after this episode aired.
And now it's time for the final round. Marcus, Ace, and Sugar will all be on the log at the same time. They randomly draw for positions, and Ace gets the bitch position in the middle, which is bad for him since it means he'll have to turn his back to one opponent and not be able to see his feet. Ace tells us that he knows a win here would be very important. Duh. The challenge begins. "Good footwork by all three," Probst says, temporarily forgetting that two of those three are on the hated Fang tribe. Sugar is the first to fall into the water, leaving Ace with his back to Marcus, which is a clear disadvantage. From the sidelines, Crystal silently prays for Ace to lose this thing. And then, he does. Ace and Marcus fall off, but Ace hits the water first, giving Marcus yet another individual immunity win. No one is happier than Crystal.
And now it's time for the twist: Marcus gets to award individual immunity to someone from the other tribe. Crystal pretty much begs for the necklace, which means there's no way she's getting it. Marcus gives the necklace to Sugar, which is kind of nice. They pick her to go to Exile every week, so why not pick her for something good, too? Plus he's probably figuring it'll mess up Fang's plans to vote her out tonight. Marcus tells us that he's assuming Sugar has the hidden idol, and hopes she won't give that to anyone (a.k.a. Ace) so that one of Fang's big "power players" will be voted out tonight. And by "power player," he means Ace, Matty, or Crystal. Yes, what a powerful trio they are. I believe Ken would call the combination of their mighty might the Triforce. I'm sorry that all of my videogame references are old-school, by the way, but that is how I roll. Sugar demands a kiss from Marcus, and he obliges, causing Charlie to become very jealous indeed. Crystal gives us her post-challenge wrap-up, saying that Sugar is now the most powerful person in the game.
Fang returns home, wondering who Kota will vote out tonight. Ken and Ace guess it'll be Susie, although Ace says he thinks Dan is irritating people on Kota. He is, but how could Ace possibly know that? Ken tells us that in regards to Fang, whoever goes home tonight depends on "the pin-up girl, Sugar." As opposed to the pin-up girl, Crystal or the pin-up girl, Ace? There's no need to be that specific at this point, Ken. He says he'll do everything in his power to convince her to vote his way. But does he even have anything in his power?
After the 30,545th shot of a symbolic snake, Ken chats with Sugar in the woods. He tells her what's been going on at camp while she's been at Exile, promising that every word he speaks is the truth. By the way, Ken tells this story like a six-year-old trying to lie his way out of admitting he threw a baseball in the house and broke a lamp. He says that Matty wants to vote Sugar out tonight, and Ace agreed with him, saying that all Sugar was good for was the hidden immunity idol. Actually, I think Ken might be telling the truth. That's pretty much what was said in the boat. Sugar says that she's not sure she can trust Ken, but she's been trusting Ace and she knows he's "the biggest snake in the game." Back in the woods, Ken says that Ace said he could get the immunity idol away from Sugar, and then they could blindside her and she'd be out of the game and Ace would have her idol. Sugar says the plan for tonight is she'll say she's voting for Crystal, and then she, Crystal, and Ken will vote for Ace. "Blindside Ace?" Ken says. "Blindside Ace," Sugar confirms. I love this plan, but there's no way it's going to happen this way. Crystal is going home tonight.
Ken heads to Crystal in her usual spot lying in the hut and says Sugar is voting with them. "Yo, I'm with you, too," Crystal says. Well, duh. Otherwise you'd be voting yourself out. Crystal says that while Ken thinks she's safe tonight, she'll only believe that Sugar is on their side when Sugar writes Ace's name down on that piece of paper.
And now it's time for Ace to make his play. He finds Sugar at the dock and says "I'm going to need to borrow something." "What?" Sugar asks, looking genuinely mystified. Heh heh. "The idol," Ace has to spell out. "Why?" Sugar asks, blinking innocently. Ace says they might try to double-cross him tonight and blindside him. "That's not happening," Sugar says. "You never know what's not happening," Ace says patronizingly. Sugar says that Matty won't vote for Ace, so they don't have enough votes to take him out. "So you're willing to risk it? On my neck?" Ace says. Yeah. Better your neck than hers. Ace says he'll give the idol back to Sugar this time, just like he did last time. Um, no, he won't. Because if he's taking it with him to use, he won't have it to give back. Hidden idols are not reusable. "Oh, Ace," Sugar says; "I gotta think about it." Ace pretends he's cool with that. Sugar tells us that when Ace asked her for the idol like Ken told her he would, she started to believe that Ken was telling her the truth. Yes! Ace just dug his own grave! Except I doubt it! I never believe these blindsides until I actually see them, and that so rarely happens. "Crystal's supposed to go , but plans could change," Sugar says. Please!!
Fang goes to Tribal Council. Probst starts with Sugar and asks her about camp life. This gives Sugar a chance to bring up how Crystal spilled some of the very small amount of rice they have left, but then didn't eat to save more rice for everyone else. Probst asks Ken for the rice tally pre- and post-Crystal, and Ken says they had about seven day's worth before and five and a half after. Which should be enough to get them to the merge if there is one. Matty says they're only eating six to eight spoonfuls of rice a day, and Probst shakes his head sadly. Matty then says that after Crystal spilled the rice, no one made a big deal out of it or yelled at her. Crystal interrupts to say that they didn't have to -- she saw the looks on their faces. Matty asks if he can get to his point without being interrupted, and she graciously allows this. Matty's point is apparently that they moved past it. Probst asks Ace to try to make sense of all of this. "Crystal made a mistake. That's common," Ace says. Wait, does he mean it's common for people to make mistakes, or that Crystal, specifically, often makes mistakes? He then says that Crystal "concocted" this whole thing about people being angry with her. Oh, shades of Kelly calling Crystal unstable! Crystal says she isn't delusional -- she saw the look that Matty and Ace exchanged after she spilled the rice. And from what we could see in the heavily-edited footage, they did indeed share a look. Meanwhile, Matty just looks so angry and over it. He's gone from having no personality to being an angry jock. Meanwhile, Sugar is just sitting there with her typical stupid expression on her face. And now Crystal is saying that when she decided not to eat the rice, everyone made a show of offering food to her, but didn't actually care enough to save her any rice. I'm not sure what she's expecting here. It's like they can't win. Which, since it's Fang, they probably can't.
Probst says that Sugar has the best seat in the house for this "great Shakespearian drama." Wow. No. Just no. Shakespeare never, ever wrote a play or even a sonnet about rice. Love, yes. Warring families and feuds, all the time. But rice? No. Not even when he was going into great detail about Falstaff's latest feast. Shut up, Probst. Sugar says this whole fight "sounds like such petty bullcrap." Actually, I believe there's a famous passage in King Lear that uses a similar line:
"tarry, take the fool with thee.
A fox, when one has caught her,
this is such petty bullcrap,
Ace lead a lamb to slaughter."
Sugar concludes that people fighting over little things and holding onto grudges is why Fang is doing so poorly. That's easy for her to say when she's never there. And with those wise words, it's time to vote. Crystal votes for Ace, calling him a snake and telling him to go home. Matty votes for Crystal, saying he's been waiting to vote her out for a long time and he's happy to finally be rid of her. Probst goes off to tally the votes, but I think it's pretty obvious who is voting for who, except when it comes to Sugar. I want her to vote Ace off, but I can't imagine that she'll ever do it. At the very least, though, she didn't give him the idol in the end, or if she did he doesn't play it when Probst asks. Ken and Crystal wait to see if he'll do it, and when no idol play is forthcoming, Crystal grins, certain that Ace is going home tonight. I am not as certain, but I am always hopeful.
Predictably, Ace gets two votes and Crystal gets two votes. And the last vote goes to ... ACE! Oh my god! Not only that, but whoever cast it wrote "Ace-hole," and CBS had to blank it out! Sugar totally came through! I didn't think she would! I didn't think she could! But she is freaking deadly! As much as Corinne wants to be the evil bitch of this game, it's Sugar. And unlike Corinne, she's adorable doing it. As for Ace, he whispers a "thanks, Sugar" as he walks over to Probst. I almost feel sorry for him, but I hate him so much. Him and his overconfidence and his various accents. And now they're gone! Hooray! Happy, happy day! As for Matty, he can't believe it. He's shocked and disgusted and has no idea how this could have happened, because he has no idea how to play this game. Crystal and Ken, on the other hand, are very happy. And Ken deserves that smile on his face and more. To Ace's credit, he gives his former tribe a "good luck, guys," on his way out, and Crystal flashes him a peace sign, but with the palm facing her so she's actually flipping him off. Ha! As Ace walks away, Matty just closes his eyes and shakes his head. And Probst might love him some hot young men, but he's always happy to see a blindside, and congratulates Fang for pulling it off.
After the commercial, we go back in time to Kamp Kota, where after a shot of symbolic ants, Dan asks Marcus if he's going home tonight. Marcus says everyone is voting for Susie as far as he knows. Dan says Susie is the best person to vote out tonight, since Dan is strong and athletic and they'll need him for challenges if there isn't a merge. Dan tells us that he knows that Kota might want to get him out tonight because he's so strong. With that, we see a grub being attacked by more ants. It then spits out some kind of goo. I don't know what that goo is or which end of the grub's body it came out of, and it doesn't really matter. That was fucking gross.
Meanwhile, Bob is in the hut looking really dead. While Susie wanders around aimlessly, Randy, Corinne, Charlie, and Marcus are on the dock. Randy is somehow winning them all over with his non-existent charms, saying he's going to put his trust in them. They agree to tell Bob that he's in the Final Four with Marcus, Charlie, and Corinne until they get to the last five, when they'll all vote Bob out and then Randy will take his place in the Kota Four. And while I do hate Randy, that's probably the best move for the other three. Bob would win any and all final Tribal Councils, while Randy would be hard-pressed to beat even Amanda, the ultimate Final TC loser. Marcus tells us that Randy has taken Bob's place in their group, and he seems to trust that Randy will stick with them until the end. As for tonight's vote, Marcus thinks Dan is a "bumbling idiot" and he doesn't want that around camp anymore. Randy argues for voting Susie out, saying she's the most likely to "jump ship" in the event of a merge. Randy doesn't want Bob to go just yet, since he's loyal and trustworthy, if "annoying."
Charlie tells us that Dan is "super-vulnerable" tonight. So vulnerable, in fact, that his only chance is if Susie does something crazy. After a shot of symbolic ants scrambling around, Corinne and Susie have a chat. Corinne says that she likes Susie and doesn't want her to go home, so she won't be voting for her tonight. She says she's pretty sure Dan's going home, and that's because they think Susie is more loyal than he is. Susie says that as long as they keep her in the loop, she'll stick with them. And then she says that she was planning on putting Corinne's name down tonight because Corinne does the least around camp and Susie needs help from as many people as possible and thus wants to keep them around. WOW. Susie basically just said that she's the weakest person there, and that Corinne is the second-weakest, which is why Susie was going to vote for her. That is a failure of EPIC PROPORTIONS on Susie's part.
It doesn't get past Corinne, who remains friendly while talking to Susie and then tells us that Susie is a moron. "I hate her. I hate her, hate her, hate her! Like, I really want to stab her in the face," Corinne says. Whaaa? Shades of last season's Natalie and her sudden transformation into a violence-threatening crazy lady! Stab her in the face? Because she was thinking of voting you out? You HATE her? Chill the hell out, Corinne.
Corinne runs off to tell Randy about Susie's face-stab-worthy comment, misrepresenting the conversation to say that Susie told her she was going to vote for her tonight. That's not exactly what Susie said. She said she was "going" to vote for Corinne when she didn't know what was going on, but now that someone told her what was up, she won't. Randy takes this opportunity to say that it shows that Susie is crazy. "She's the worst kind of nuts because you don't see it coming," Corinne says. Yes, saying you're going to vote for someone in a game about voting for people = crazy, but threatening to stab someone in the face for saying she's going to vote for you in a game about voting for people = hallmark of sanity. I get it. "I want her gone yesterday," Corinne says. Randy smiles. He tells us that Susie has no game, and that makes her dangerous and unpredictable. Both Corinne and Randy agree that Susie is going tonight, but then Corinne remembers that Dan went to Exile "Island" once and could have the idol. Randy says he doesn't know if Dan has the idol or not. He must have a pretty good idea that Dan doesn't have it, based on him emptying out his bag at Tribal Council, but he doesn't say. Randy tells us that Susie needs to go home because she's "annoying," even though he just said that he wanted Bob to stay despite him being annoying. Then again, who isn't annoying to Randy?
Corinne calls a meeting of the Onion Alliance to discuss this turn of events. Corinne says that they all thought that Susie was cool and could be trusted, but now Corinne realizes that she is actually "loco en la cabeza." Where is the Survivor translation team for that? Marcus takes the lead, as usual, saying that no matter who they vote off tonight, there will be risks. He thinks they should vote Susie out tonight just in case Dan has the idol and uses it and it bounces back on one of them. Marcus tells us that the decision on who to vote out tonight is now based on who is the least risky to keep around.
Kota arrives at Tribal Council, and Probst goes right into things without saying hello or remarking on how few times Kota has been here so far because they're so awesome. He talks to Marcus first, of course, and asks him if tonight's vote is about keeping the tribe strong or looking out for yourself in preparation of the merge. Marcus says that "we" are basing tonight's vote on what "we" think is to come in the few days, and "we" have to surround "ourselves" with powerful people in order to survive the "onslaught" from Fang. How could he have said any of that with a straight face? An "onslaught" from Fang? Really? And what's with the royal "we" he keeps throwing around? Speak for yourself and yourself alone, Marcus. Only overconfident douches go around assuming they know what everyone else is thinking and doing. For example, Ace.
Probst turns to Susie and asks her if she thinks she's the weakest person in her tribe, since from where Probst is sitting it sure looks like it. Shut up, Probst. Susie says that's not necessarily true, and there are some things that other people don't do as well as she does. "Who's weaker than you?" Probst interrupts her to say, sounding ridiculously incredulous. Whatever, Probst. I'd pick Susie over Corinne in a boxing match any day of the week. Hell, I'd pick Susie over Charlie in a boxing match. But Susie takes the bait and says she thinks she has more upper body strength than Corinne, which pisses Corinne off. Fortunately, there are no knives around, so Susie's face remains unstabbed. Corinne manages to keep calm and diplomatic, and says that she thinks Susie is skilled and has athletic talent. "She just insulted you," Probst says. She didn't really, though. She said she thought she had more upper body strength, which is probably true. The only person insulting anyone is Probst, who's going around calling out older women for being weak and making them huge targets while he criticizes Fang for not picking an older man to be on their tribe. Corinne says she thinks she has plenty of upper body strength and a lot to offer. Susie says that's probably true, and she's just trying to see "where this game's taking me." Way to admit you're just floating along waiting for someone to do something, Susie. It's amazing how we've heard all of five sentences from Susie all season at this point, and two of them have been potential game-destroyers.
Probst asks Corinne if Susie tends to "let loose" often. Corinne says yes, but adds that she's not very good at monitoring what she says, either, so she respects it when people "come out of their shell." Especially if those people are not people, but gorgeous protein-rich sea turtles. Corinne says she encourages people to be even more forthcoming with their opinions, because her face-stabbing arm is feeling restless.
Probst turns to Randy and asks him how he feels about being himself versus holding back. Since being himself got Randy no letters from home, I'd say he'd be wise to hold as much back as possible, but Randy says he's "eight on a scale of ten." So ... he's eighty percent Randy and twenty percent holding back, I guess? He says that's both good and bad for him, since he "doesn't have to pretend." Unless it's pretending to cry to mock Crystal, in which case he does so willingly and without hesitation.
Probst turns to Dan and asks him the same question. Dan says he's a "worrywart," and he thinks that's prevented him from feeling totally comfortable here and being himself. Just the parts of himself that people don't like, apparently. He says he hopes he can relax, and Probst gives Charlie a rare chance to speak and asks how important trust is at this point in the game. Charlie says trust is very important, as they want to go into the merge as a unified and powerful group. They don't want to keep people around who they're afraid will defect to Fang. Unlike Marcus, though, Charlie only talks about his vote and doesn't act like his vote is the same as everyone else's. Probst then asks Corinne an odd question: could tonight's vote be a mistake? Corinne says it very possibly could be, but she hopes that it isn't. Duh. We cut the opening credits down for that?
And with that, it's time to vote. Susie votes for Dan, saying "sorry, guy." Dan, in turn, votes for Susie (or "The Suze," as he writes), saying he's only voting for her because that's the way he hopes the rest of the tribe is voting as well. Marcus also votes for Susie, saying "this is about Dan, and not you." And that's when I realized that Dan was going home, but Kota had carefully chosen their votes just in case he had the idol so that Susie would go home and not, say, Corinne.
But Dan doesn't have the idol, which everyone realizes when Probst asks if anyone wants to play it and Dan stays seated. You should have looked for it harder, Dan. The first vote is for Susie. Then one vote for Dan. The two votes for Dan, and he hangs his head. Awww. Susie smiles until she gets another vote. Then Dan gets a third vote. Susie also gets a third vote, and looks confused. I think Dan is realizing that he and Susie should have worked together to try to get someone else out instead of just going along with whatever the other Kota people told them to do. And the last vote ... is for Dan. Poor Dan! He's so insecure! This is going to crush him. I hope he'll be okay. He leaves with a "thanks, Jeff," and Probst turns to Kota and says that they may be successful, but they are not one big, happy family. Which is good for Randy, since when it comes to family, he didn't get any letters.
And in the closing credits, we see that it was SUGAR who wrote the "Ace-hole" vote, which she cast with a wink at the camera. That's cold-blooded. And awesome.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me,
which she occasionally updates when she has something to complain about. Or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com, especially if you know where she can get a really nice HDTV for cheap.
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