Elephantitis

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Ah, Fang. Fang, Fang, Fang. After an elephant sighting provides the show with some filler time, the teams go to a fruit-throwing reward challenge where Kota wins a crappy herb garden and sends Sugar back to Exile "Island." And when they get back to camp, Dan goes on and on about how Fang is the "empire of evil," which doesn't do much to make the original Kota Kids think he's completely loyal to them now.

Back with the Fang Failures, GC gets all hot and bothered when Crystal jokes around with him to eat his rice and he accuses her of telling him what to do. He throws a temper tantrum and goes off in the kayak, which means when it's time to leave for the immunity challenge he's nowhere to be found. I was wondering what would happen if a contestant just didn't go to an immunity challenge, but I guess I'll never know because GC shows up at the last second and Fang goes to the challenge intact. There, they lose again because Ace doesn't know the difference between Randy and Sugar's voices. Sigh. Also, he got hit on the nose in both challenges this week and acted like a baby about it both times, so that was funny.

Back at camp, GC decides that he's done with this game and says he wants to be voted out. That's fine with everyone else … until they remember that Sugar could have the idol. When she leaves her bag unattended, they search it and find the idol and start to plan to blindside her by voting for her tonight instead of GC the Quitter. At Tribal Council, Probst basically tells Sugar that the rest of the tribe searched her bag, but she still doesn't play the idol and it ends up working out just fine for her, as the tribe votes out GC without even at least trying to flush out the idol.

Check back for the full recap on Wednesday. Until then, watch some video about where they should have the Survivor.

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Okay, so, Probst is out of control on this week's "previously on" segment. First he starts off by going all the way back to the beginning of the freaking season, and then he's off crapping on Fang again, saying the amazing Kota tribe "systematically devoured the weak and struggling" Fang. He does not see fit to mention Fang's two wins, but instead skips to last week's tribe switch. Now he focuses his rage on Kelly, as he says Fang had the chance during the switch to "improve themselves," only to "foolishly" pick "weak players" like Kelly over strong ones like Bob, the confused old man. Then Fang lost the immunity challenge and were at "an all-time low," as somehow demonstrated by Ace's weird quote about legless chickens and sleek weasels. At Tribal Council, they had a choice to vote for the "strong player" Jacquie or the "weak" Kelly and "as though they had a death wish," they voted out Jacquie. Death wish, my ass! That was strategy. All they have to do is keep voting out the old Kota tribe members and then they'll have the numbers in the merge. They may have to lose challenges to do that, but it's worth losing a few battles to win the war. Although I'm not so sure Fang is seeing it like that. In fact, I think they might just be sucking. But at least they're sucking with a big majority alliance!

Fang returns to camp and GC immediately sets to making rice, because it's not like they're running low on it or anything. He asks Ken if he wants some, and Ken half-heartedly says yes. I can't wait for their rice to run out. It's gonna be hilarious. Ace points out that Sugar will be starving when she arrives, since she hasn't eaten in three days. Ha! Sugar is full. Girlfriend partied it up at Exile "Island." Looking worried for once, Ace says that with Jacquie now gone, he knows things aren't looking good for him. He says he'll have to pull off a "coup de grâce once again." When did he pull off his first one, exactly? As Sugar arrives at Fang (they made her walk over in the middle of the night? Mean), Ace says she has the immunity idol up her sleeve, and he thinks he has Sugar in his pocket. That's a lot of clothes for the idol to be hiding in. Fang greets Sugar and Kelly is all fake smiles. Sugar quickly figures out that Jacquie got the boot. "That sucks," she says. She tells us she was expecting to see Jacquie and Ace there, not Kelly. She hopes that it was dark enough out so Kelly didn't see her incredible disappointment. Yeah ... it would have to be very dark indeed for Kelly not to hear you say "that sucks."

Sugar reveals that she had fun at Exile Island, since she spent it in the Sugar Shack. So now they can all pretty much assume she found the idol her first time there, right? But she says that she "gave up" the first time she tried to find it and decided not to bother a second go around. She isn't fooling Crystal, who tells us that she thinks Sugar has the idol, which makes her a huge target.

Day 13 dawns on Kota. Bob and Marcus check the fishing nets, and when the fish see Marcus the Magnificent, they can't help but jump into the nets and be caught. Bob isn't so lucky. As they dump the night's catch out at camp, he has the misfortune of touching an electric fish. Say what? Electric fish? In a lake? The animal kingdom is so crazy. He scoops it up to show to the rest, and Marcus just has to touch the fish to see if it actually will shock him. It does. But Marcus isn't just stupid; as we see when he tells us that Bob got a "shocking surprise" in today's catch, he's lame, too. Susie decides to get shocked as well, and grabs at the fish. It shocks her. These people are children. I hope we find out that the electric catfish also shoots out poison. That would teach 'em.

Randy walks down to camp and does not touch the electric fish, but is pleased to see the large catch. He tells us that the Kota tribe with its variety and amount of food is "wonderful." "I have no complaints," he says. In the background, we see some flying pigs and hell freezing over. Randy says he knows that in this tribe, the former Fang members will be the first voted out at Tribal Council. He hopes he'll be able to work his Randy charm on them and change that. He seems to be forgetting that he doesn't have any charm.

Back at Fang, Matty hears a sound and decides to get closer to it. Idiot. There, in the trees three miles away from the Fang camp, is an elephant. Matty runs back to Fang and tells everyone to be quiet and come check out the wild animal that is prone to stampedes when alarmed. The entire tribe heads to the shore of the lake, and across it they see the elephant. Matty is adorably thrilled and I realize who he looks like -- Bobby Brady. Kelly's jaw hangs open. GC admires the elephant's long tusks. All the better to make piano keys with. "Look at him. He's beautiful," Ace says, obviously looking at a reflection of himself in the lake. The elephant starts to show off, and rips a tree apart with his trunk. Then he straight-up knocks another tree over. Elephants are bad for the environment. They're always going on about how humans chop down the rainforest, but look at this elephant! In two seconds, he's knocked down two trees. The group gets louder and louder, and the elephant gets more and more agitated. Like everyone else, he hates Fang. Ace is all like, "Look at him! Look at him!" but when Kelly makes a Speed Racer-style loud gasp of amazement, he shushes her. So bossy. With that, Matty and Ace decide to kayak over to the elephant, because that's a good idea.

Matty tells us that they've heard the elephant around camp, but this is the first time they've been able to see him. He and Ace kayak over to the elephant, which is SO STUPID. It's a good thing the producers probably have it on a leash. GC watches them row out there and thinks they're brave. No! They are dumb and don't respect that wild animals are WILD. "Leave the elephant alone. That's how people get hurt," GC says. Yeah, he must have seen the same Youtube video I did, when a boat of American tourists saw a mother elephant and her baby in the water and decided to get closer to see the cute baby, even though the adult elephants were shaking their ears at them in a clear sign to stay away. They got closer, and the elephants attacked and most of the people in the boat died. Matty and Ace approach the elephant, who lets out a mighty sound effect. Matty tells us that seeing the elephant today while surrounded by a camera crew for a top ten American TV show with several million dollars invested in its success made him appreciate the simple and pure things in life. I'd just like to point out that while Fang appreciates and admires the wildlife around their camp, Kota cruelly tortures it by throwing it on a plank and telling everyone to touch it while it struggles to breath.

Reward challenge time! *I have to say, the place where they stage the reward challenge really is beautiful. Kota arrives first, and they are warmly greeted by Probst with a "how's it going, Kota?" He hugs them each and plants a firm kiss on each of their ass cheeks. Then Fang walks in, and Probst says Jacquie was voted out at the last Tribal Council. "They got rid of Jacquie?" Susie asks, while the rest of Kota looks horrified. They should, too, because now they've lost one more person in the old Kota alliance. Charlie and Corinne seem especially upset, and Marcus pulls his team together, telling them to focus on the challenge for now. But Probst won't stand for that, and asks Kota how they feel about this development. Marcus says he's very surprised, given Jacquie's "effort" in the last challenge. Yes, well, effort counts for nothing in this game. Marcus calls Jacquie's boot "shocking," but there's no electric catfish around so I don't know what he's talking about.

And now it's time for the challenge. There's a large pile of fruit that contestants must throw to their tribemates through holes in two plexiglass walls that have been made to look "African" with limited success. Meanwhile, members of the opposing tribe will be standing in between the wall with clubs, trying to intercept the fruit. The team with the heaviest fruit basket at the end wins ... an herb garden. While the rest of the tribe tries not to look sad that they didn't get a chocolate cake or steaks, Bob is so thrilled to see the herb garden that he does a hip thrust. They love herbs in Maine, I guess. Probst says they also get some salt and oil, which the camera shows as "chili sauce." Not quite the same. They also get to keep whatever fruit they catch. This prize sucks, but the teams claim it's worth playing for.

So! Wielding the clubs for Fang are Crystal and Ace and for Kota, it's Bob and Charlie. Fang is the first to score, so ha ha ha, Probst. Meanwhile, Ace proves to be very good at clubbing fruit. Must be a holdover from his cricket days. Fang gets a good lead until Marcus the Magnificent comes up with a plan to get the fruit past Ace: throw two pieces of fruit at the same time and figure he can't hit them both. This works, and Kota gets its first piece of fruit: a banana. And there's Kelly with a score! Oh, snap, Jacquie fans! But, of course, Probst has to point out that Fang is only getting the "smaller" pieces of fruit by. Meanwhile, I don't think I've seen Susie catch one piece of fruit. It's all Randy, an unexpected physical threat. As the time winds down, both teams start chucking pineapples and watermelons. Probst is obsessed with the fact that Corinne throws left-handed. Crystal gets a few good hits in. Ace jumps up to hit a watermelon and a pineapple. He prevents both of them from making it through the hole but is hit in the face. He falls down and clutches his nose. Baby. He gets back up, and the game ends as Fang gets one last pineapple in their basket.

Time's up. Probst tells both teams they made a "good effort" and it looks close. I think he was looking only at Kota when he said that, though. "We're gonna weigh to see who has the most weight," Probst says. Yes, that's generally what you accomplish when you weigh things. It goes without saying, but you said it anyway, Probst. Fang's fruit basket weighs in at 16 pounds. As Probst picks up Kota's basket, Marcus bends over and eats a piece of fruit off of Charlie's shoulder. Now it doesn't matter if Kota wins or not. In Charlie's mind, he's already a winner! Somehow, Kota gets 18 pounds. Aw, suck. They edited it to look like Fang did so much better! Kota celebrates, with Marcus embracing Charlie for a change. Wow, this is Charlie's best day on Earth. I hope he didn't notice that Marcus hugged Dan first. Fang makes sad faces. Probst asks them who they want to send to Exile. Dan smiles and says it'll be Sugar again. Damn, poor Sugar. She doesn't even get to play this game, really. Probst asks Dan why they want to send Sugar again. He says it's "purely comedy" while the rest of Kota look embarrassed or horrified. Bob especially mutters a "wow." Although he might have been looking at his new herb garden. Bob loves herb gardens. Dan amends that to say they want her to find the idol and play it before the merge so it'll get back into circulation. "Whatever," Sugar says. I guess they're figuring they'd rather know who could have it by keeping the list of suspects as small as possible. It would have been awesome if Sugar had turned around and said "okay, but I found the final spot when I was there last time and the idol was already gone. So I guess YOU have it!" And then life would have sucked for Dan, who thought it was so freaking funny to make fun of Sugar's Exile stays. But she doesn't say anything, just takes the map and leaves. Fang leaves soon afterward, and there's slow motion action shots of Kota members carrying their lame prize.

Party music plays us back to Kota, because everything there is happiness and light and fun fun FUN! Charlie tells us that he was happy to be back at camp with the new food stuffs, but he claims to feel sorry for Fang and their lack of tasty treats. "The rich are definitely getting richer here at Kota," Charlie says, in a line that wasn't at all fed to him by the producers I'm sure. Dan gets the group together to start talking strategy, calling Fang the "Evil Empire," and apparently assuming that he's in with this new tribe now and that they'll all stay in the game until the merge. It starts off with the rest of tribe being like, "yay, rah rah, Kota forever," and then quickly fizzles out to them standing around listening to Dan and not looking very into what he's saying. Dan tells us that he's an outspoken person, and continues to outspeak while the rest of Kota look uncomfortable. Marcus just says that the immunity challenge is the most important one in the game. He doesn't want to look Dan in the eye. Get a clue here, Dan.

Marcus tells us that Dan's repeated assertions of being totally devoted to the new Kota tribe make him reluctant to believe he's telling the truth. Then again, Marcus says, Susie is so quiet that he also wonders if she's on their side. You just can't win with Marcus. Marcus says he's not confident that the people in Kota right now will have his back when they get to the merge. Um, no. They'll all want you out. As soon as possible. As well they should. While the rest of Kota sit down to a meal of banana, Randy takes a dip in the lake and says he's ready to keep winning challenges and not "rock the boat," and that he'll be "Kota yellow" until the end. It's going to look weird when the tribes merge and pick a new color and new buffs and you're still with the yellow, Randy.

Let's check in with Sugar. She dances her way to Exile "Island" and tells us that when Kota said they sent her here for comedy's sake, she thought that the joke was really on them. While everyone else in the game is tired and starving, she's full and rested on her hammock. Today's Sugar Shack pickings are even better than last time's, she notes. "I'm definitely happy. And fat," she says.

Okay, that's enough happiness. We go to Fang, who are, of course, sitting down to another huge pot of rice and attitude. Specifically from GC, who gets all pissed off when Crystal jokingly tell him to "eat your rice." "You don't tell me to do nothing," GC says. Double negative equals a positive, so Crystal repeats her command: "eat your rice." And now GC is all bent out of shape. While dramatic "there's a storm comin'" music plays, he tells at her to stop telling him what to do. "Eat your rice," Crystal says again, totally not intimidated. And why should she be? She could kick GC's ass, except that if they ever got in a fight, he'd quit halfway through. I am enjoying this. "Shut your mouth!" GC fires back. And then: "playing with me won't be funny for too long." Oooooh threatening! Shut up, GC. ["You don't tell me to do nothing" -- GC] GC tells us that this game is harder than he thought, and living with the same people and not winning the challenges that can make their lives slightly easier makes it even harder. Well, then, maybe you should try, like, making an effort in said challenges and then your tribe might win, hmm? GC says he's beginning to wonder what he's doing out here. Oh, is he going to quit? Really? Why am I even surprised? I shouldn't be surprised. Every time GC gets in a fight, he has to quit something, and since there's no leadership position or challenge to quit, it's going to have to be the entire game.

"Is GC sad or something?" Kelly asks. You know what, Kelly? If you don't have any to contribute to a conversation other than a question with a totally obvious answer, then maybe you should consider not speaking up at all. Matty says he thinks so. "Like he misses home, or?" Kelly asks. Ace observes all of this and couldn't be happier. He says his tribe is falling apart, and today's argument was "brilliant." You'd think he'd at least get the English accent back when he was saying Englishy things, but no. Ace says he couldn't have planned that argument better himself. Which is good, since I have yet to see him actually plan anything. Seems to me he just sits around watching as everyone else self-destructs, and then tries to make it look like he's somehow responsible.

Crystal has to go into the hut to apologize to Big Baby GC, saying she was just joking with the eat your rice commands. I think it was very big of her to do that (then again, everything about Crystal is big), but he doesn't even answer her. He tells us he's had enough with the people he's out here with and needs to get back to real life, where apparently no one bosses him around, because this game is changing him, and not for the better. How sad for GC that he doesn't realize that the person he's turning into in this game is the person he really is, because maybe then he could learn something and be a better person. "I got to figure some things out," he says.

GC is still there after the break when Fang gets the treemail, which gives clues about gravity and comes with a small ball. Crystal thinks they're going to be inside the ball and rolled down a hill, which would be extremely ambitious for a Survivor challenge, but they did step it up with plexiglass in the reward challenge, so who knows? No one looks particularly thrilled about the upcoming challenge. Matty tells us that he doesn't have high hopes for their chances today because the Fang tribe is falling apart, mainly GC and Crystal. Crystal seems fine to me. The Worst Olympian Ever, but fine. While the rest of the tribe is enjoying a hearty pre-challenge meal of rice, GC takes the kayak out. Oh, is he going to drown himself? That would be intense.

Matty and Ken arrive at the dock to look for GC, but nowhere to be seen. Wow, he paddled off pretty damn fast, didn't he? That's the most effort he's shown since he ran for the immunity idol necklace. Ken tells us that GC disappeared right before the challenge. Huh. Can he do that? The producers don't corral him and force him to go back to camp? Did he go off to be with the elephant and kill himself? This is bizarre! Kelly comes forward and says that if they can't find GC in time, they'll have to leave without him, and now they'll be one tribe member down. Haaa hahahaha! He's gone beyond quitting during challenges -- now he's quitting even before them! I didn't even think that was possible! It could be a Survivor first! Even Kathy and Janu didn't quit DURING A CHALLENGE! Kelly, Matty and Ken search the lake for a sign of GC. "What if he got eaten by like a monkey, dude?" Kelly asks. Hey! Look at her, being funny and possibly pleasant to be around. I bet Jacquie wouldn't have made a joke like that. Ken tells us that he hopes GC comes back in time on his own because he's well aware of how GC doesn't like being told what to do, so he can't be ordered to come back to camp. "That's how he rolls," Ken says. And how does Ken roll? With an epic barrel roll in Starfox. You love it, video game nerds!

While Matty, Kelly, and Ken yell for GC, Crystal and Ace are back at camp. Ace is loving every minute of this. Crystal doesn't want to waste her energy yelling for someone who clearly doesn't want to come back to camp. She says she's sick of GC and his tantrums. "From a grown adult," she sighs. True that, Crystal. Even being one tribe member down, Fang is probably better off in the challenge without GC. And just when I was looking forward to seeing how the game would deal with a contestant disappearing, GC comes slowly paddling back like he didn't cause his entire tribe to worry. Kelly tells him that were about to leave without him. He says that would have been fine with him. "Why? We need you!" Kelly says. A+ effort, Kelly, but he's not worth it. Just agree with him and throw a rock in the kayak and sink it.

The tribes arrive at the challenge. Sugar rejoins her new tribe, looking like she just had the best time at Exile. Surprisingly, GC shows some good team spirit and pats her on the shoulder to welcome her back. Not so surprisingly, Ken throws an arm around her. Probst explains the challenge: there are a bunch of balls made of sticks tied together. Tribe members roll the balls down a hill, where they encounter obstacles and blindfolded opposing tribe members with shield are lead by a caller to try to get in front of the ball and stop it entirely. At the bottom of the hill are several goals with different point values assigned to them. So it's Survivor Plinko. Interesting idea for a challenge, but it's weird that the success of a team depends on luck with which goal your ball happens to roll into and the two tribemates at the bottom of the hill. That leaves five tribemates on either team who don't have much to do at all. That just means that if Fang wins this, Probst can say something about their win having nothing to do with team unity or ability, if he mentions their win at all. Fang's blindfolded defender will be Ace with Sugar directing him, while Kota's defender is Dan with Randy calling. Interesting that both tribes picked people who used to be on the other team for those positions.

Matty and Charlie roll first. Dan almost gets to the ball in time to block it, but does not, and Kota score two points while Fang scores 5. Ha! Go, Fang, go! I don't really like them, but I hate Probst more. Randy goes out to lead Dan back to the side and talk to him, while Sugar leaves Ace standing around blindfolded and whining. up are GC and Susie. Intense music plays as we are all left in suspense, wondering, is throwing a holey wooden ball too much of a physical effort for GC and will he quit? He doesn't! Both balls roll down the hill. Sugar gives Ace orders that seem accurate, but he doesn't listen to them for whatever reason. Maybe he can't hear her? He misses Kota's ball while Dan stops Fang's. Kota scores two points. Crap, although I did enjoy the low angle shot of a triumphant Susie leaving the mound. Sugar runs to get Ace, and he's all pissed off and orders her to talk more. Well, maybe you should move right when she tells you to move right. "What's happening?" he asks. "Nothing's happening right now," Sugar says. "No, not right this second, I can hear that," Ace says, all pissy. Maybe he should do some yoga to center himself. Sugar sort of promises to talk more, and then Marcus and Kelly throw . Dan accidentally stops Kota's ball while Ace nearly stops Fang's, but misses it, so they score two points. "Poor communication for Kota!" Probst says. And in the background, pigs fly and hell freezes over.

Corinne and Crystal will throw , and I am ready to see Crystal hurl that ball through the goal without it ever touching the ground. Come on, Olympic champion!! Ace misses Kota's ball again, but Dan stops Fang's ball. Ace is nearby and gets a light tap in the nose from Dan's shield, causing him to fling himself onto the ground and roll around in great agony. Dude, whatever. I had my nose broken once, and I didn't do any of this melodramatic stuff. Ace's nose isn't even bleeding. Hilariously, no one really even cares about Ace until he's been on the ground for so long that Probst has to ask if he's okay. "Shield in the face!" he cries. No one cares, not even his own tribe. Randy and Sugar help Ace to his feet while Ken rolls his eyes. Ken should have been the caller for this. I don't know why they used Sugar. And it's the final round. Fang is ahead with seven to Kota's six. Bob and Ken are throwing. Dan stops Fang's ball and Ace is heading towards Kota's when quick-thinking Randy tells him to freeze. And he does. He apparently thinks that Sugar and Randy sound the same. Meanwhile, Sugar just stands there and shrugs and doesn't tell Ace to ignore Randy or anything. That is a colossal failure on both of their parts. Kota scores two points and wins.

Probst hands Kota the immunity idol, being sure to remind Fang that they suck so much that they've now been to four of the last five Tribal Councils. Whatever. They're still better than Ulong. Also, Sugar hasn't even been to one Tribal Council as a member of Fang, and Ace and Kelly have only been to one. And Ace and Sugar are the reason why Fang lost this in the first place, while it was ex-Fang members Dan and Randy's superior communication skills that allowed Kota to win.

Fang returns to camp in low spirits. GC says they're an "unlucky bunch" while Matty mutters that their camp is cursed. Yes, it is! With bad attitude. GC tells Matty that he doesn't even have the energy to smile anymore. "I've noticed," Matty says. Maybe you would have more energy if you didn't waste it paddling off to nowhere just to agitate your tribe right before a challenge. GC says he feels like he's doing and saying things that aren't like him, except that he's been a weak quitting overly defensive asshole since the start. Matty ignores GC in favor of grinding two rocks together, but then GC says he's ready to leave the game. "I need to get back on my grind," GC explains. That's always such a stupid excuse because it's not like after you get voted out, you're put on a plane home the day. You're still away from home and your grind for the same amount of time that you would be if you hadn't quit. Matty doesn't protest or beg GC to stay, but says he thinks GC will regret his decision.

Matty goes right over to Crystal and tells her that GC is quitting. "That's bullshit. I don't want to hear that," Crystal says. Meanwhile, Ace is lying in the hut, watching and smiling as if he somehow plotted for this all to happen himself and didn't just get really lucky. Crystal says if GC's looking for everyone to kiss his ass and beg him to stay, she won't. She tells us that GC has quit as a leader, during challenges, and now he wants to quit the game entirely. He's a loser and she has no respect for him, so she'll vote him out. I just feel sorry for Gillian, who wanted so badly to be on this show that she applied like 15 times, only to be voted out second. She wouldn't have quit. Crystal goes to the hut where Ken and Ace are hanging out and tells them that GC wants to go home and since she's too hungry for these mind games, she's voting him out tonight.

So Ken relays the message to Kelly. This is like a bad game of telephone. She asks if GC wants to go home. He says GC said he did. And even if he doesn't, it doesn't matter. "Good," Kelly says.

Ace heads for Sugar. He says GC is going home tonight. She says she trusts Ace. I'd laugh my ass off if this was some brilliant ploy to vote her out while she had the immunity idol, but I doubt it. These people can't even figure out how to ration rice, let alone vote out the holder of the immunity idol. There are no Ciries on this season, it seems. Ace says it's "pleasurable" to watch this tribe destroy itself. I disagree. So far, this has been boring and predictable. Talk shifts to Sugar's idol. She panics that Ace might have told someone she has to idol, but he says he's kept it quiet. For Sugar's part, she hasn't bothered to hide it and it's sitting in her unattended bag. Sugar is confident that no one thinks she has the idol, so no one will search her bag for it.

Oh, but wait a minute -- in the hut, Matty suddenly wonders if they shouldn't be concerned that Sugar could have the idol. So while Ace and Sugar go swimming, Crystal, Matty, Ken, and Kelly are in the hut with Sugar's bag. They serve as lookouts while Crystal searches Sugar's bag and immediately finds the idol hidden in a sock. Oh, Sugar. After you impressed me with your intelligence in finding the idol in the first place, it turns out that you are stupid after all. Crystal puts the idol back, and now Kelly, Ken, Crystal, and Matty have to figure out what to do . "I feel like tonight's the only night to blindside her," Kelly says. Well, well, well. Looks like Kelly -- who was one of only two Fang players to score points in the immunity challenge -- isn't such a weak waste of space after all. So now that Fang has surpassed my expectations and figured out that Sugar has the idol, will they actually follow through on getting rid of it? Ken tells us that now that they know Sugar has the idol, it changes things. They all want GC to go home asap, but they're terrified of the idol. Or, as Kelly puts it: "dude, I don't have time for quitters, but the idol? That's like more ... intense." For some reason, Matty says they still have to vote for GC. No! Vote for Sugar! Give me something here, guys!

Fang arrives at Tribal Council. I was waiting for Probst to lay into everyone, but he just gets right down to business and asks Ace if he's starting to feel the "wear and tear" after being out here for fifteen days. Ace says his clothes are getting looser. Somehow, this leads Probst to asks GC about this, and GC agrees that it's hard to be without the kind of food you're used to, and it has taken a toll on him physically and mentally. And he's starting to wonder how important it is to be out here starving, losing challenges, and dealing with people he doesn't like while missing the people back home he loves. Right, well, it's not supposed to be easy to win a million dollars. Probst asks Sugar if she's heard GC talking about home. She reminds Probst that she's only been with this tribe for, like, one afternoon, which isn't long enough to have heard much of anything. Ha! For real. She says she heard that GC wanted to go home. Probst asks GC about this. GC tells us his sob story about how he suffered growing up and didn't have the easiest life and being out here has made him realize that he's done suffering.

Sugar starts crying, for some reason. Probst asks her about that, and she says everyone probably feels this way. She misses home and hates that she finds herself turning on people and being nasty. Aw, did she and that tiki statue from Exile "Island" get in a fight? Don't worry, Sugar. I'm sure you'll have plenty of opportunities to go back there and make up with him. Unless, of course, Fang gets awesome and votes you out tonight. Probst asks Matty how it feels to hear a tribemate talk about quitting. "There's no quitting," Matty says; "you can't give yourself that option." Crystal nods. I really think the fact that millions of people would be watching this and make fun of me alone would be reason enough to stay, let alone the possibility of winning a million dollars. Also, it's embarrassing to think that Scout Cloud Lee, an old lady with an artificial knee and an artificial name, lasted longer out here than I did.

Instead of laying into GC for being a lousy quitter, Probst turns to Sugar and asks her if she's concerned about the vote tonight, since she's actually spent more time at Exile than in either the Kota or the Fang camps, which gives her very little time to get to know people or strategize. Sugar says she's sure she could be going home tonight, and she brought her bag just in case. But she doesn't look worried at all, does she? Probst asks Ken if it's frustrating knowing that Sugar keeps getting sent to the place where there's a hidden immunity idol. Ken says everyone's aware that there's a possibility that Sugar has the idol, but no one knows anything for sure.

Probst asks Sugar what her strategy has been in regards to the idol. Hey, Probst -- shut up about the idol already! Stop it! Shouldn't you be telling GC how pathetic he is for quitting? Why are you trying to blow up Fang's spot like this? Don't you ruin this blindside for me. Sugar says no one's asked her if she has the idol or not. "Doesn't that strike you as odd?" Probst asks. Sugar says no, since her tribe mates are allowed to look through her bag. Crystal's reaction to this is so pronounced it gets a musical flourish. Probst asks Sugar if she thinks her bag was searched. "I don't know," she says. "Do you keep your bag with you?" Probst asks. Sugar says she keeps it out where anyone can go through it. I don't get her strategy here at all. Back at camp, she seemed pretty confident that no one thought she had the idol and that they wouldn't search her bag. Now she's acting like she was well aware that they could search her bag, and it's no big deal.

Probst turns to Crystal and asks her if she thinks it's crazy to leave your bag out where anyone could find it and search it, or "crazy smart." I believe you mean "crazy like a fox," Probst. Crystal says it's just plain crazy. I think it's crazy (not like a fox, either) for a game show host to interject himself into the game like this. Probst asks Sugar if she's really that unconcerned with people knowing she has the idol. Sugar says that there's a sense of power in other people knowing you have it, because then they won't vote you out for fear you'll use the idol and it'll backfire on them. Not when they have five people in their alliance to your two, Sugar. But way to basically tell the players that Sugar has the idol, thereby ruining her game, and that the rest of the tribe searched her bag and found it, thereby ruining theirs. Really, thanks, Probst. You've just promised that this season will be even duller than it already was. And with that, it's time to vote.

Sugar votes for GC, saying she's only doing this because he said he wanted to go home. Also, she used two pieces of paper. Wasteful bitch. GC votes for Kelly, saying he had to vote for someone besides himself. We don't see anyone else's vote. They'd better all say Sugar. Not because I don't like Sugar, but because I love a good blindside and I want to see something good come out of Fang.

Probst grabs the urn and asks if anyone wants to play the idol. Everyone looks at Sugar, who stays seated. Crystal has a happy look on her face. I will be very impressed if they actually followed through with this blindside. First vote: GC. Second vote: GC. GC is getting ready to grab his stuff and go. Kelly gets a vote from GC. And then ... GC gets three votes. Aw, crap. No blindside. With the fourth vote, GC is done. Oh, suck. LAME! I am very disappointed in you, Crystal, Matty, Ken, and Kelly. Probst snuffs GC's torch, and he turns to wave good-bye to his tribe, but they're all stone-faced and angry. GC leaves to do some non-suffering with Michelle, Paloma, Gillian, and Jacquie. Good riddance, quitter. Probst tells Fang to dig deep and stuff. And then over the credits, GC tries to tell us that he isn't a quitter even though he totally is. In GC, the C doesn't stand for "Sizzle." It stands for "Suck."

You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, which she occasionally updates when she has something to complain about. Or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com, especially if you know where she can get a really nice HDTV for cheap.

Take a gander at our predictions for who'll stay the course in our Survivor Gabon: Who Will Outwit, Outplay and Outlast? gallery.