In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
Probst still hates Fang, even though in lieu of a reward challenge, both teams rank each other from top to bottom and the results create a tribe reshuffle. Marcus and Matty are ranked as most important to their tribes, so they become team captains. The new Fang is Matty, Crystal, GC (who was ranked hilariously low), Ken, Jacquie, Ace, and Kelly, while Kota has Marcus, Bob, Charlie (who is predictably thrilled to stay on Marcus's team), Corinne, Randy, Susie, and Dan. As for Sugar, as last picked, she'll stay on Exile until one team loses the immunity challenge and votes a member out. Then she'll join that team. Since she's already got the idol, she hangs out in the comfort zone and we never see her again this episode.
For the immunity challenge, Fang and Kota play each other in a water version of lacrosse that Kota manages to win with three goals to Fang's none, all somehow scored by Randy of all people.
Back at Fang, Kelly tries to make new friends and vote out the old, and it's soon evident that it's between Jacquie and Kelly. While Jacquie worked hard in the challenge, Kelly hates everyone on the old Kota and will vote with Fang. And with Sugar coming onto the tribe after the vote, and Fang assuming she has the idol, it's important to choose correctly. They end up going with potential loyalty over strength, and Jacquie is the unlucky loser.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!After Probst shat all over Fang for losing every challenge in last week's "Previously on" segment, I naively expected similar treatment for Kota in this week's "Previously on," since they lost all challenges last week. Nope! "Despite having three of the strongest players of the game, including a former Olympic athlete, the Fang tribe lost three challenges in a row. They thought they could turn things around by picking GC to be their leader." Okay, THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN. I saw the Tribal Council, Probst. You forced GC to be Fang's new leader even though he didn't want to be, and no one else really wanted him to be, either. But the lies keep coming, as Probst turns his attentions to Kota: "The Kota tribe was on a roll. They were hard-working and upbeat. So it was a shock to everyone when Fang finally won a challenge." What's with the "finally?" It's only been one episode! But Fang can't do anything right, as Probst says they stupidly sent Sugar to Exile, thinking she wouldn't find the idol, but she did, and I guess if Fang was a better tribe, they would have known that would happen and picked someone else. And then when Kota loses the immunity challenge and has to go to Tribal Council, Probst even finds a way to make them look good by saying they displayed "tribe unity" by "voting out their smallest and weakest player in a landslide." Yeah, except that there were two votes for Ace, while both of Fang's tribal votes were unanimous. So, by that logic, it's Fang who has the best tribe unity. I feel like I should be finding Probst's irrational hatred of Fang funny, but it's actually really pissing me off and ruining the show for me. Maybe that's because I don't like having my intelligence insulted by a game show host outright lying to me about things I saw with my own two eyes.
First we go to Kamp Kota, where the unified team of Gods is returning from the very unified Tribal Council. Kelly tells us she was sad to see Paloma, her "partner" who she could "talk to about things" (somehow I don't think those things were philosophy, current events, or quantum physics) go home, and now she's worried that she'll be . Although she does display a surprising level of intelligence that the rest of her tribe, with their confidence that their alliances will remain solid and honest throughout the game, seems to lack when she says "things can change all the time." She does not, however, seem particularly dedicated to causing any of those changes, which is fine, since she doesn't really have to, anyway. Just wait for the producers to make your game for you.
Around the fire, Ace describes Tribal Council as a "bloody god-awful experience." Prat. How dare he say "bloody"! Even Madonna doesn't have the balls to appropriate that. Ace claims that Tribal Council was one of the most unpleasant things he's ever done -- "right up there with [his] wisdom teeth being pulled." If I were Ace, I'd try as hard as possible to keep anything associated with wisdom in my head. Also, I had my wisdom teeth pulled, and it was awesome. They gave me laughing gas and I had a great time. It did suck about four hours later when the Novocain wore off, though. With Kelly not around, Ace calls her out as the second vote against him, saying he didn't know she had "that much pent-up animosity towards [him]." Yes, well, you're just that awful, Ace. Congrats. Ace tells us that for voting against him, Kelly will be the "lamb to the slaughter."
It's Day 10 at Fang. I'm surprised the sun actually managed to rise over this tribe of pathetic excuses for humanity and didn't just give up and sink into the lake. Ken wants to cook some rice, but Randy protests that they're already running low. "We'll reserve. After tomorrow," Ken says. Randy thinks they should start right now with eating just one meal a day, but Ken claims they have enough rice. Randy decides this is too important to save for his shit-talking to the camera session and addresses the group, saying they have to eat one meal a day and be hungry. "That's why it's called Survivor," he says. I have to admit that I think he's right. He then runs off for his shit-talking to the camera session, where he says that "strategically," Crystal, Ken and GC are not "with it," while Matty, Susie and Dan are not his "allies", but they are his friends. Um... then who are your allies, Randy? Because the rice bucket isn't allowed to vote. Crystal, GC, and Ken have been left behind at camp while the other four go off to pick fruit, which Crystal realizes is just a cover for a strategy session. She's pretty sure the other four are aligning against them. GC agrees, and even impresses us with some math skills, saying they've got four to his three. He doesn't try to, like, do anything about it, but he does recognize that forces are aligning against him. "The tightest three is right here," he says. Too bad they don't give out prizes in this game for being tight. And even if they did, you still wouldn't win, because Probst hates you and refuses to admit that you guys are better than Kota at anything.
The other four certainly are talking alliances. Specifically, they're saying that they might as well make an alliance of four, since the other three alienated themselves from the rest of the tribe. Well, that was stupid of them. Crystal, GC and Ken basically told Matty, Susie, Randy and Dan to form the majority alliance and vote them out. Why? And why aren't these people making alliances on day one? These kinds of things are important in this game. Randy says GC argues with him about everything, and Dan and Matty say Crystal is hard to deal with. And Ken is just there. Randy tells them his "GC is cancer" theory, and says that "at the right time" they'll need to cut the cancer out. Except that if he was really cancer, the right time would, of course, be "right now." Unless you don't have health insurance, in which case the right time is "sorry." Matty tells us that he's happy to have an alliance of four, and he "really, truly" feels that they'll be a solid alliance for some time to come.
With that, we go to the reward challenge, where solid alliances are turned on their heads. The tribes arrive and Probst points out that Paloma was voted out in the last Tribal. Ken looks very upset about this. One by one, all the hot girls are being voted out of the game! Once they're all gone, he'll never be this close to a hot girl ever again. Probst says that for today's "challenge," each player will rank his tribe members from top to bottom. They will then take their spots on pedestals according to that rank. Probst hands them tallying sheets and tells them to fill them out privately. We see Randy's tablet, and it looks like he's got Matty at 1, Dan at 2, Ken at 5, GC at 6, and I'm not too sure about the rest. Curse this non-HD TV of mine! I think he gave Crystal the 8th spot, but that could also be a 3. He definitely didn't give himself a top spot, which was probably a strategic move. Or maybe he realizes that Rice Watcher/Shit Talker isn't a crucial position within the tribe.
After a thrilling montage of people filling out surveys, Probst tells us the results. For Kota, from first to last, it's Marcus, Ace, Bob, Charlie, Jacquie, Corinne, Sugar, and Kelly. And for Fang, it's Matty, Dan, Randy (!), Crystal, Ken, GC, and Susie. Good for Fang for not sticking both of their women at the bottom, unlike Kota. Then again, Crystal beat Ken, who plays video games, and GC, who has actually taken naps during challenges. The fact that she's an Olympic athlete and still couldn't beat Randy is shameful. Marcus claims to be "shocked" to be number one on his tribe, but you know he isn't. In fact, that only shocked person is probably Ace, who has probably decided that this is Kelly's fault for putting him at 8 in her survey. Marcus worries that being number one will cause the others to see him as a threat. I think that might have already happened when you eschewed teamwork to get the individual immunity idol and were the best challenge competitor on your team. Also, your majority alliance. Kelly makes her usual sour face as Probst calls her out for being the least valuable member of her tribe. "It's interesting, being the last one. I've never been the last picked ever, so it's kind of different," she says. "Kelly's devastated," Ace claims in an interview, and while Kelly didn't look particularly thrilled, I wouldn't call that devastated. "'Why am I picked last? Why is everybody not kissing my ass?'" Ace continues, assigning Kelly the thoughts that he himself most likely had. "'Cause you're a whiny little ... cow," Ace concludes. He totally meant to say something else that began with the letter C. And it wasn't "classy."
Probst turns to Fang and counts down their top to bottom, and Randy looks thrilled to bits to be ranked so high. Crystal is not. "What. The. Hell," she tells us. "I'm out there busting my butt, and they're gonna rank me number four? After someone who can't even barely walk?" Yes, well, I seem to recall Randy making it up the hill in that first challenge unassisted, and you being tied for last place with Gillian, who is 60 and never, to the best of my knowledge, trained for the freaking Olympics. Your physical performance in this game has been nothing short of shameful thus far, and I had such high hopes for you. There are curling gold medalists who are housewives in Canada who could do better at this game than you, Crystal. You're lucky to be ranked so high. GC looks confused at his low position and tells us things are not looking too good for him if even Ken is ahead of him. Well, that's because Ken solved that math puzzle, proving that he does have a usefulness in challenges, while you fight with everyone when you aren't quitting. Learn something from this, GC.
Probst asks Marcus if he's surprised by the Fang tribe's results. Marcus admits to being surprised to see Randy up so high, saying he thought Crystal would be ranked even higher. Probst asks Randy what he thinks about Kota's results. "I really don't think anything," Randy says. "This doesn't show a thing about who's hooking up with who." And once again, I have to say I think he has a point. Could it be that I might like Randy this season? It's not a pleasant thought at all. Probst says he hopes someone got something from this, because it's time to pick new tribes. Yes, that's right. I just want to say that I totally called this in the first episode, that they'd switch the tribes in episode 3. And I thought I was joking, too. But clearly the producers didn't have much faith in the old people's abilities to pick good teams and decided to make the tribe switch as early as possible. The teams freak out, with members of the Onion Alliance looking very upset. Ha ha! Good. Dan, who's quite a touchy-feely guy, gives Matty a good-bye hug. Matty tells us that he had the whole game figured out, only for producer intervention to ruin it for everyone. Just like it does EVERY SEASON. Stop being surprised about this! Although I guess when you've never watched this show before and are only on it because the casting lady thought you were hot when she saw you in Whole Foods, you would be surprised by seemingly obvious developments in the game. "That was just such a buzzkill, I didn't even wanna hear that," Matty says. What I want to know is, will Probst hate the new Fang uniformly, or just the members of it that belong to the old Fang?
Probst says Marcus and Matty will be captains of Kota and Fang, respectively. They will choose a player from the other tribe, who will then choose a player from the other tribe, etc., etc. Marcus picks Dan and Matty takes Ace. Dan picks Charlie, who couldn't be more thrilled to remain on Marcus's team. Marcus holds his hand out for a high five, but Charlie chooses to hug him instead. Ha ha ha. Charlie tells us his "biggest fear" in this game is losing Marcus. "I just love Marcus!" he says. PATHETIC. Your biggest fear in this game should be getting voted out -- not Marcus getting voted out, YOU getting voted out. And then your second fear should be getting some horrible African disease. Ace picks Crystal over Randy, joking that she beat him up pretty bad in the last challenge. And she is loving being picked over Randy. Charlie takes Randy, and Crystal goes with Jacquie, leaving Bob still on his number three pedestal. Randy picks Corinne, because he hates old people. Corinne, of course, is thrilled. The Onion Alliance is almost intact. Jacquie picks Ken, who can't believe an attractive blonde women picked him for anything. Now it's time for Corinne to pick between GC and Susie. Randy mutters that GC "is just playing his own game," while someone else (I think it was Dan) says he's slacked off in almost every challenge. Corinne picks Susie, diplomatically saying she doesn't want to be the only girl on her tribe.
Probst points out to GC, who I'm sure didn't realize this at all beforehand, that no one wants him on his tribe. GC says he's had a hard couple of days and figures he rubbed some people the wrong way. Correct, GC! Now, will you actually change your attitude because of this? We'll see. Ken picks , and we all know he isn't picking Bob when there are two blonde women to choose from, so he asks the tribe who he should pick between Sugar and Kelly. Ace recommends against picking Kelly. As for Probst, he's so pissed that women are being picked before Bob that he feels the need to mention it, even though this totally interferes with the game and shouldn't be allowed. "You were ranked so high by your own tribe, and yet, nobody's chosen you!" Probst says. "Are you a diamond in the rough? Are they missing some gold here?" Well, is he diamond or gold, Probst? Make up your Fang-hate-addled mind. And stop trying to influence the players' decisions. "Time will tell," Bob says. And he should know, being more familiar with the passage of time than anyone else left in the game. The fact is, everyone on Fang already got rid of their old person and they don't want to be saddled with another one. And Bob might be stronger than Gillian, but he's been looking really out of it the last couple days.
Matty has paid attention to Probst's words and suggest to Ken that they pick Bob. But Ken points out that Bob will stick with Ace and Jacquie. With that, he picks Kelly, saying he knows how it feels to be last picked and left out. "And she's hot," he adds. Probst calls this "the most surprising decision in ten days out here," all pissed off. I think it was one of the smartest. Surviving the tribe switch is all about keeping your original tribe as intact as possible and staying the majority alliance. Ken correctly deduced that Kelly was the least liked on her team and would be happy to switch to Fang and vote with them, putting him in an overwhelming 5-2 majority. She may not be the strongest, but that's not always the most important. With this kind of thinking, I'll bet Ken chooses the Princess character when he plays Super Mario Brothers 2. She's the weakest, but she can hover in the air for like 20 minutes, which is especially important for the ice levels.
With that, Susie picks Bob over Sugar. "Finally!" Probst says. Shut up, Probst. He's going to hate Fang worse than ever now, isn't he? Kelly has no choice but to pick "G-Sizzle," who seems happy to be in the tribe where he is in the majority alliance. He probably made out better than Randy, Susie, and Dan, who have gone from a majority alliance to the bottom of the barrel, and in a tribe with four already very aligned people. As for Sugar, she won't be joining either tribe -- yet. Instead, she's going to Exile "Island." Sugar cries out in despair. But it gets worse! She'll be at Exile until after the Tribal Council, when she'll join whichever team has lost a member. He sends Sugar away, saying she'll be out there for a long time. Actually, this isn't such a bad thing for Sugar. She has the idol, so she can pick comfort and hang out on a hammock and eat fruit for a few days. But now everyone else will have to assume she has the idol after being out there for so long. Probst hands out the new buffs and that's it. No reward challenge.
First, we have to see the old Fangians at Kota, where they talk about how much better it is than their old camp because Kota is goodness and light. Dan says if Matty was here, "it'd be the perfect tribe." Yeah, and if Matty was there, you'd have even numbers, alliance-wise. Instead, it's three of you against four of Kota. Randy recognizes this and tells us that if Kota loses the challenge, one of the ex-Fangians will most likely be the first voted out. Which he's fine with, saying he'll vote out whoever they tell him to unless it's himself. And if it is him, he'll burn the camp down. You know, just once, I'd like to actually see someone threaten to do that and follow through, instead of threatening to do it and chickening out or doing it accidentally. Susie says she thinks Bob is the worker bee at Kota, and Marcus, Charlie, and Corinne "really appreciate that," although not enough to rank Bob first in order of importance or to think of him as anything more than a necessary fifth wheel in their alliance they'll be happy to dump as soon as possible. Susie says she thinks that if she works hard like Bob, they'll choose to keep her over Randy. Ah, but if they've already got one person doing all the work for them, do they really need two?
Sugar reports to Exile and heads for the Comfort Hut, which she calls her "Sugar Shack," and enjoys herself. And giggles. She tells us she's hoping Fang will lose and vote out Kelly, and then she can be with Ace. In a minority alliance. Great thinking, sister. Sugar does not sing any spirituals during her stay this time, which means I cannot incorrectly attribute them to her like I did last week.
Fang arrives at their camp. GC tells us this tribe switch will work out just fine for him and has put him in a great position. Well, hopefully a greater position than six. Ace gets right to bossing everyone around, saying ginger makes a great seasoning for rice. Crystal says they can't find ginger. Ace says he'll show them some, and the old Fang cheers. So while he apparently goes off to do that, Ken gets the dirt on the inner workings of the old Kota from the ladies. He says they all seemed to get along. Jacquie agrees, but Kelly has a different opinion. "It was always me and Paloma," she says. "I didn't think there was any rift," Jacquie says. "You guys didn't really invite anybody else with you guys wherever you went," Kelly says, showing that the Onion Alliance wasn't as good at keeping things secret as they thought.
Crystal tells us that after listening to Kelly, she's figured out that Kelly was an outcast in Kota. I think I could have figured that out when she was ranked last (like Ken did), but whatever, Crystal. "Maybe she really does belong with Fang," Crystal says. If I were Jacquie, I'd be working my butt off to join with the old Fang and align against Kelly before she got them to align against me. But Kelly's back at camp, telling GC she was counting down the days and hours (until she got voted off?) while Crystal whispers to Ken that Kelly doesn't like Ace or Jacquie. "I already know all this," Crystal says. Ken just nods. He knew it before any of them did. Meanwhile, Kelly shows us all why no one likes her by talking like a Valley Girl and saying that, as a salesperson, she can get along with anyone and change her personality, "like, act like something? Sometimes?" But with Kota, she couldn't even do that. Hmm... when it's you against a bunch of people, Kelly, you may want to ask yourself if the problem is all of them or you. Kelly says she's happy to join up with Fang (which she pronounces incorrectly -- or is that prounces?) and vote out her old Kota tribe members. "They didn't even give me a chance," she says, as if her unpleasant personality and attitude problem had nothing to do with this. Also, she insists on calling GC "G-Sizzle." Crystal pries more information out of Kelly, asking what's up with Jacquie. Hilariously, Kelly says "what you see is what you get," and she's all about saying "cool!" and "awesome!" and "what's up!" which is how I'd describe Kelly more than Jacquie. Crystal says it seems like Ace and Jacquie are friendly as the cameraman practically rams the camera down her throat. Step back, guy. "At night they sleep together. But he also sleeps with Sugar," Kelly says. Yes, well, they're all in one hut. They all sleep together. Kelly says she's all about joining their side. "Cha-ching!" GC says. Ken tells Kelly that they'll take care of her. "I'm so happy that I get to, like, talk, and you guys, like, talk back," Kelly says, as Ken looks kind of bummed out that having to interact with Kelly is part of the deal.
Over at Kota, a lacrosse stick-like paddle has come in today's treemail. "Oh, crap," Corinne says, clearly not a fan of the sport. Susie reads the clue, which basically says they'll be playing lacrosse in the water. She tells us that she's having a hard time with the physical aspect of this game, which is unfortunate for her since that's pretty much all it is right now. Meanwhile, Marcus the Magnificent of course knows all about how to play lacrosse and gives the team lessons, shooting a ball at their hut. I would have laughed so hard if he knocked it over. Marcus tells us that he has his doubts regarding Randy and Susie's physical abilities, although they seemed just fine in that regard when they kicked your tribe's ass last week. He says Susie will most likely be the first person to go, although it's not "out of the question" that Randy could go first, since Susie is working hard around camp, so I guess her little strategy might have worked. As for Randy... "I will do my best despite hating each and every one of you," Randy promises the tribe. Oops! Looks like he got confused and thought he was talking to the camera. Fortunately, the tribe think he is joking and laugh, with Susie (I think) going, "Oh, Randy!" I do love how they think he's kidding. He's not. Look at his face: he is dead serious. And he's including the camera crew and all wildlife within a 10-mile radius in that statement.
We go to a lake with a floating playing field on it with goals on either end. The tribes arrive, and Probst quickly takes the immunity idol back from Fang, managing not to say "You know you'll never get this again" as he does so. He explains the rules of the challenge: each player has a paddle and a raft. Probst will toss the ball into play (and you know he's going to toss it to Kota "by accident") and then they have to balance themselves on their rafts and use the lacrosse sticks to both move their rafts along and pass the ball towards the goal. First team to score three points wins immunity.
The players go down to the ends of their fields and Probst tosses the ball into the middle of the field. The players have difficulty in the beginning, both balancing on the small raft and paddling with just one paddle without spinning their circular rafts in circles and staying in place. Jacquie gets the ball first, but quickly loses control of it. Marcus the Magnificent "scoops it up easily" according to Probst, although I didn't see him scoop it at all, just push it along the water. He moves forward with Charlie at his side while Probst claims that no one on Fang is trying to get the ball from Marcus and Crystal is just watching the action while Kelly and Ken "can't do anything." Somehow, Randy appears right in front of the Fang goal and Marcus passes the ball to him. He scoops it up and launches it into the goal, which Ace is sitting in front of but doesn't really make much of an attempt to block. Randy is thrilled to score a goal, and celebrates by yelling angrily and scowling, because that's Randy. Meanwhile, I see Bob and Dan sitting in the back of Kota's goal not doing anything, but Probst won't be calling them out, nor will he really acknowledge Randy's surprising lacrosse skills, since Randy used to be on Fang and is therefore stained with fail.
Probst throws out the ball. Ace tries to use his arms to paddle to it, but that method sucks and Marcus the Magnificent gets to the ball first. Probst cheers his "nice little pass to himself." Yeah, if anyone on Fang had done that, you know Probst would have made fun of him for not passing to another player. But Probst loves Marcus, almost as much as Charlie does, so now it's a brilliant strategic move. Crystal and Ken yell for Kelly to try to stop Marcus, as she's apparently near him and they're sitting in the goal. Kelly paddles over and tries to get the ball from Marcus but is unsuccessful. "Kelly, not doing much!" Probst cries out with glee. Okay, well, she did try. She didn't steal the ball, but it wasn't like she sat there and watched it go by her, either. Marcus launches the ball into the air and down to Randy, who's sitting in front of Fang's goal with no one near him, because they are either sitting in the other side of goal or going after Marcus. That's not very good defense, Fang. Probst claims there's no one in the Fang goal, which isn't true because Ken and Crystal are both there, but they're on the other side. Randy scores, and Probst says, "Fang could not make that easier." Just for that, Probst, I wish Tom Bergeron won the Emmy over you.
For the third round, Probst throws the ball out, and I see someone on Kota had the bright idea to have Bob push Marcus forward with his paddle to give him some extra speed. Very smart -- I bet it was Bob's idea. Marcus the Magnificent gets to the ball first, and Probst can't help but saying that "once again" Marcus is doing everything right, and Fang sucks and should jump off their rafts and drown themselves, blah blah blah whatever. Ace manages to get the ball away from Marcus, which Probst doesn't have any encouraging things to say to him for. Marcus gets it back, and Probst spots Kelly sitting on her raft doing nothing and feels the need to point it out to everyone. Meanwhile, what's Susie doing? Or Corinne? Or Bob? Or ANYONE besides Marcus and Randy? Marcus throws the ball down the lake. Crystal and Ken are both closer to it than Marcus, but neither of them have control over their rafts like Marcus does, so he gets past Ken and gets the ball. "Ken, virtually useless in this challenge!" Probst cries. Which, while true, is really unfair for the supposedly impartial host/game referee to point out. Ace desperately uses his two-handed paddle to race back to Marcus. "Watch out, Ace is behind you!" Charlie says, so jealous. Marcus throws the ball to Randy, who takes another shot on goal, but misses. Then he just sits there on his raft as Dan paddles forward to get the ball from Matty, who's in front of the goal for Fang. Probst does not say anything about Randy's decision to take a rest here. Dan tries to get the ball away from Matty and manages to launch it towards the goal, but Matty blocks the shot and Dan falls into the water. Probst actually finds it in his heart to congratulate Matty for a "great block," because even though Matty is on Fang, he's a strong, young male and therefore must be praised. So now it's up to Randy again. He paddles up and gets the ball on his paddle. Ace tries to knock the ball out of it but only manages to fall into the water as Randy rather expertly maneuvers the paddle and throws the ball into the goal. With that, Kota wins immunity. Randy and Marcus jump off their rafts into the water to celebrate. "One of the most lop-sided challenges thus far!" Probst cries. Whatever. He hands Kota the idol and somehow manages not to kiss each and every one of their asses, then turns to Fang with pure hatred and disgust in his eyes and says this: "Fang. Without question, one of the worst performances I've seen at a challenge." Okay, yeah, Kota beat them 3-0. But I still wouldn't call it one of the worst performances Probst has ever seen. For example, there's the track meet Probst recently attended, where a javelin thrower lost control of his javelin and it flew into the stands, where it became firmly lodged in Probst's ass, which is the only reason I can think of for his being such an asshole now. Probst then turns back to Kota and congratulates them one more time before sending them back to camp. Marcus flashes a peace symbol at Probst with his palm inwards, which is a swear in some countries. Like England, although I'm sure Ace wouldn't know that, since he is a pretender. Even though Marcus probably isn't doing it on purpose, it's nice to see him flip off Probst. We go to break with slow-motion action shots of Randy, the surprise lacrosse master.
And back from the commercial, African singers sing what probably translates into English as, "Fang sucks, they suck so much. Horrible team. Just believe what we tell you." Fang returns to camp looking very defeated, thanks in part to Probst's little mental games. GC says the new Fang tribe isn't looking so great. With a weird tone in his voice, Ace says the immunity challenge was "so much fun. We were like legless chickens racing against sleek weasels. And losing badly along the way." Oh, Ace. Save the cheesy "Fang Sucks" comments for Probst.
GC has learned nothing from being picked last during the non-reward challenge and tells Ken he "sucked out there" while laughing at him. Meanwhile, I didn't see GC do much of anything during the challenge himself. At least Ken tried to block the goal. Or maybe he just couldn't move out of there. But still! Ken says he didn't understand how the raft worked and would spin in circles instead of move anywhere. Matty tells Jacquie she did a good job. She admits that defense isn't easy in water lacrosse. Although it wasn't like any of them actually tried to play defense, like, say, marking Randy to make sure he didn't get the ball with a close shot in front of an open goal. He scored all three goals and no one ever thought to mark him. Kelly has learned about as much as GC and says, "Shoulda coulda woulda. Over it!" GC tells us that after seeing Kelly's performance in the challenge, he's thinking it might be wise to keep Jacquie instead of her. You know, GC, if I were you, I wouldn't start making decisions on who to vote out based on poor immunity challenge performances. He says he's going to talk to the others, but he's sure they'll be okay with getting rid of Kelly. As am I.
GC, Crystal and Ken go for a walk. They all decide to keep Ace as long as possible and GC suggests voting Kelly out instead of Jacquie. "She kinda had a bad attitude about stuff," GC says. Well, if anyone is the expert on bad attitudes, it's probably GC. Ken and Crystal seem to agree that Kelly is going tonight. And then GC talks himself back out of it by remembering that Sugar will be joining their team, and she'll most likely have the hidden idol. They assume she gets along well with Ace and Jacquie, but hates Kelly just like everyone else in this game. Sugar, Jacquie and Ace will unite against them and have the immunity idol, while keeping Kelly around will give them a 5-2 advantage. GC tells us that he's afraid that Sugar will come onto their tribe with the idol, and then somehow that will make Sugar, Ace, and Jacquie the power in the Fang even though they'd still be a minority and you can only use the idol for one person. I really don't get what they're afraid of.
Matty strolls up, certain that the other three have come to the right decision to get rid of Kelly tonight. Nope! He's shocked, but Ken explains that they're worried that Sugar will share the idol with Ace or Jacquie when she comes onto the team, while he very much doubts she'd share it with the hated Kelly. Matty says he'll go with whatever they choose, but he doesn't understand why they aren't voting out their weakest link, saying the plan before the tribe switch was to vote out Susie for that same reason. Crystal says Susie didn't have the immunity idol. Sugar might. Matty shrugs and says he'll vote with them.
He then runs to tell Jacquie that the rest of Fang is going to vote her out despite his best efforts to convince them otherwise. He explains that they're worried about "what's-her-face" coming back with the idol, and of all the names to forget, how do you forget "Sugar"? She tried so hard to come onto this game with a cutesy acquired nickname and then you just crap all over it, Matty. Jacquie tells us that she knows everyone wants to vote her out, and she's "really, really nervous." Her plan? "We have to convince them that Kelly sucks!" she tells Matty. But they already know Kelly sucks. That's not the point. They're afraid Sugar will share her idol, because they think she could be smart enough to find it and yet not smart enough to keep it. They're actually not wrong, since Sugar probably would give the idol to Ace. I doubt she'd give it to Jacquie, though.
Jacquie immediately throws poor Matty under the bus by going to Ken and saying Matty told her they want to vote her out tonight. Ken is delighted that a blonde woman is talking to him, and admits that they're scared of Sugar's idol. Ken says it's not personal, but she's from Kota, so no one really knows her or feels like they can trust her. Jacquie asks why Kelly gets to be known and trusted, and Ken says she was ranked last in her tribe and the outsider, so she'll be much more eager to side with her new tribe mates. Ken says that he doesn't want to vote Jacquie out, but voting for Kelly instead won't matter, somehow. That's BS, because if Ken, Jacquie, Matty and Ace voted for Kelly, that would be it. "I wanna be with you guys," Jacquie says, trying to make a case for her own outsider status. She says Ace and Sugar are a team, and she's not on it. Ken tells us that after speaking with Jacquie, he'd rather keep her and vote out Kelly. Ken will side with whichever blonde speaks to him last, I think. He says he doesn't have any power in Fang, and Jacquie should talk to Crystal if she wants results.
So Jacquie goes to Crystal and basically begs to be in an alliance with her and the rest of Fang. The time to do this was when you first arrived, not when you were told you were in trouble. Crystal says she heard that Jacquie was tight with Ace. Jacquie doesn't deny this, but she does say she and Ace never had an alliance. She says she'll work her ass off for Fang, and she already proved that in the challenge today. Crystal agrees that she did a great job in the challenge. (Did she really? I didn't see her do very much of anything. More than GC, certainly, but that's not saying very much.) Crystal tells us that Jacquie pretty much begged her to keep her in the game. And then we see Jacquie doing just that, saying she wants to be the "fourth" member of the alliance with Ken, GC and Crystal. So she actually knows that Matty isn't really with the rest of Fang, alliance-wise. How? Did Matty tell her that? And now she's using that against him to try to get into an alliance against him? Crystal tells us that Jacquie really pulled at her heartstrings with her tearful begging, and it showed her that Jacquie really wants to be in this game. Crystal puts an arm around Jacquie and shoots us a funny, "This is AWKWARD!" face as they head back to camp. Crystal tells us that she wants the people on her team to "fight" and "work hard," which doesn't explain why she's on a team with Ken or especially GC or even herself.
Fang files into Tribal Council as Probst wills his eyes to shoot laser beams at them. "Welcome to another Tribal Council starring the Fang tribe!" he says. "GC, it's gotta be getting old." Yes, Probst, it is. Your irrational hatred of the Fang tribe is getting very old. Just like you, no matter how much you try to look youthful with that hairstyle. The fact is, Fang has only been to three Tribal Councils, it's still early in the game, slightly less than half of Fang are people who used to be on the tribe you lauded, and after this they'll still have the same number of tribe members as Kota. Kota happened to have two members who were good at lacrosse and Fang didn't. That's not exactly an epic tribal challenge meltdown. GC sucks up to Probst, saying that while he likes seeing Probst, he doesn't like it to be under these circumstances, and he doesn't like losing tribe members, because that weakens the tribe. Probst completely misses the point and asks Matty if the criteria for tonight's vote is to keep the tribe as strong as possible. "According to Matty, it is," Matty says, and we cut to Kelly making a sour face. Although I doubt she possesses the self-awareness to realize that Matty could be talking about voting her out for being the weakest person on the tribe. Matty continues that he was embarrassed after the immunity challenge.
Probst talks to Ken, asking if he can trust the ex-Kota members of his tribe. Ken says it's hard to trust anyone after just three days, and Jacquie looks worried. Probst asks Matty if he trusts Ace. Matty says he doesn't, but he wants him on his side, i.e. Ace is too strong to vote out right now. Probst asks Ace how he feels, and Ace says that Ken is right, that it's hard to trust someone after three days, so the best plan of action is to vote in a way that will keep the tribe as strong as possible.
Probst asks Jacquie how it feels to go from a tribe that "really had it together" (like when they lost two challenges in a row last week? And they all hated each other at camp? Yeah, real together) to Fang, which is the worst group of people known to man and complete failures at everything they do. Except for the two challenges they won last week, the fish they caught using Randy's glasses, and their unified unanimous votes at the other two Tribal Councils. Jacquie says she was expecting this group of people to do well and win the challenge, and she worked her ass off to help that happen. Probst goes for Kelly and asks her if she's worried that she'll be going home tonight. Kelly says she's concerned, but she wasn't the only weak person in the challenge, pointing at Ken and Crystal as being weaker than she was. Uh... perhaps Kelly doesn't know what "weak" means, much like she doesn't understand the meaning of the word "asset." I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt here, because it's probably less stupid not to know what "weak" means than it is to call out the two people who can vote you out right before the freaking vote. "That's just one challenge. I'm not weaker than her," Crystal says, pissed off. Ah, this could be it! The time when Crystal finally reveals her secret Olympic gold medalist identity! Kelly thinks she's making things better by saying that she was "moving" today, implying that Crystal was not. Crystal angrily says she tried to move the boat, but she couldn't get it to go anywhere. "I was in the game. I just wasn't participating as much as I normally do," Crystal says. Actually, though, I think her performance today was about as good as it's been in every other challenge, except for the pole-hugging one. And by "good," I mean "an incredible disappointment to the US Olympic Committee."
Probst says it was "really clear" that only Ace, Matty and Jacquie contributed to the challenge today. Is he even allowed to say stuff like this? Isn't this a game show, with rules that say it has to be fair and stuff? Doesn't singling certain people out and saying they're better than the others give those people an unfair advantage? Probst then pretty much says that they shouldn't vote Ace or Jacquie out if they want to keep Fang as strong as possible. Does he think anyone will actually care about his opinions or take his wise counsel to heart? Look at him. His hair is dyed so black that's it almost blue like Superman. I wouldn't take him seriously either. Probst asks Ken who from Kota should be "most worried" if the Fang tribe members vote together tonight. Like he's really going to reveal that. Shut up, Probst. Ken says it's either Kelly or Jacquie, because they need keep their team strong for challenges. Oh, well, then, surely they'll vote Kelly out, since Probst just told them all that Jacquie is the strongest woman ever to play this game, based on her almost getting the ball away from Marcus that one time.
With that, it's time to vote. Ace votes for Kelly, saying he's enjoying "returning the favor." Kelly votes for Jacquie, dropping her sour face to say, "Sorry." Jacquie votes for Kelly and spells her name wrong (for shame). We don't see GC's vote, but he says, "It probably would've been smarter to keep you." That could apply to anyone except GC, and he can't vote for himself, so it's useless. So! Who will it be? Will Fang listen to Probst and vote Kelly out, or did they actually put some thought into strategy with Sugar and the idol coming on board and take out Jacquie? I'm guessing it's Kelly tonight, since Probst's head did not explode when he went to tally the votes.
He returns with the urn. First vote: Jacquie. Second vote: Kelly. Third vote: Kelly. Jacquie starts to look hopeful while Kelly is pissed. And then there's a second vote for Jacquie, who makes the most pathetic worried sad face. Jacquie gets another vote, and Kelly starts to look very satisfied with herself. And then Jacquie gets a fourth vote and she is out. She's upset, and she should be. She didn't do anything wrong to get voted out. She did the strategy thing and she worked hard. She was just unlucky.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see who we think will outwit, outplay and outlast!
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, which she occasionally updates when she has something to complain about. Or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com, especially if you know where she can get a really nice HDTV for cheap.