WHAT

In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.

So it's Natalie vs. the girls for control of Erik. Both sides think they win when Erik promises to send Natalie to Exile Island if he wins the reward and she promises him the same if she does. Then Amanda manages to convince him to send Parvati to Exile if he wins and take her with him on the reward, and even though Erik claims to be mad at her for ripping into him during tribal council, that's what he does when he wins the challenge, a Survivor knowledge quiz. Erik and Amanda go off for some food, massages, and a real bed while Parvati lies around Exile and we don't see if she gets the idol or not. Natalie and Cirie return to camp, where Cirie screws with Natalie's head for the fun of it. Then Erik and Amanda return looking well-rested and refreshed, and Natalie is clearly pissed at Erik and he starts worrying about jury votes. Then he talks to Cirie about voting out either Amanda or Natalie at tribal, since Parvati will most likely have the idol and Natalie and Amanda are big jury threats. Natalie's standing right behind him and hears the whole thing, and then all the girls (sans Parvati) talk and realize that Erik's been promising them all the same thing, and they inform him that they can no longer trust him. Parvati returns for the immunity challenge, which is easily won by Erik, and it seems inevitable that Natalie will be going home tonight. Pretty normal, average show so far, right? But then Cirie jokingly suggests that Natalie get Erik to give her his necklace, and she says that's the stupidest thing she's ever heard in her life, but it's not like she has any other choice. So she talks to Erik and tells him that giving her immunity would show her and Cirie that they could trust him and then they'd all vote for Amanda. Erik's only concern is that Parvati will give the idol to Amanda, so he wants them to vote for Parvati. And here's where you start to think that Erik might just be stupid enough to go for this insane scheme, but then you shake your head and say, "nah! No one's that dumb!" The tribe reports to tribal council, where the girls lay it on thick that Erik has no chance to get jury votes now that he's screwed them over and the only way he can redeem himself is through actions and not words. And with that, he gives the immunity necklace to Natalie. That's right. HE GAVE THE IMMUNITY NECKLACE AWAY. Erik, who won the Survivor trivia quiz so you know he's watched several seasons of this show, GAVE THE IMMUNITY NECKLACE, HIS GUARANTEE TO GO TO THE FINAL FOUR, AWAY. It is a moment so epically and profoundly stupid that the jury breaks its silence and laughs out loud. Eliza's facial expressions went mad. The players remaining in the game can't believe it, and openly smile, laugh, and whisper to each other. Natalie tentatively touches the necklace around her neck as if not sure it's even there. Even Probst seems thrown. No doubt, the crew is behind the cameras staring at each other and trying to keep from laughing. We go to the vote, and Erik crosses his fingers and votes for Parvati, WHO MOST LIKELY HAS THE IMMUNITY IDOL AND THIS IS HER LAST CHANCE TO USE IT. DOUBLE MORON! And then, in an unprecedented (as far as the episodes I've seen, anyway) move, we see every single person's vote, because the comments these women make are just too priceless to cut. I think my favorite was Amanda, who just said "you know … " and then couldn't find any more words. In the end, Parvati does not play the idol, so either she didn't find it on Exile or she just knew there was no need to use it once Erik gave the necklace away. Probst reads the votes and sends Erik home, leaving four ladies with huge grins on their faces and an especially joyful James, who cheers that he is no longer the stupidest Survivor ever. Probst calls this a "life lesson," although if that's a lesson you need for your life I'm not sure how much longer you're going to be living it. Putting pants on in the morning has to be quite the brainteaser.

Want more? The full recap starts right below!

I don't mind admitting that I felt the pressure writing this recap. I mean, not only does it have to be done two days early in order for me to concentrate on the THREE HOUR finale that airs just three days after this episode (Three hours? Really? Cirie had better get some significant camera time for this to be worth it), but I don't think I've ever recapped television history before. And the last 15 or so minutes of this episode are exactly that. Maybe not one of those landmark TV moments our country can be proud of, like the debut of I Love Lucy or the moon landing or that episode of Walker, Texas Ranger when Walker told Haley Joel Osment that he had AIDS, but still: television history. Here goes!

The Final Five arrive back at Dabu, and Amanda is quick to tell everyone that she never lied when she told them she didn't have the immunity idol, as she didn't have it until right before tribal council. Why does she think that matters? Does she think Natalie's going to give her a jury vote now just because Amanda never lied? Amanda screwed Natalie over by getting rid of Alexis; the fact that she was honest about it doesn't mean Natalie's going to automatically be cool with it. Also Amanda rubbed it in everyone's faces when she strutted her way over to Probst with that idol. Cirie tells us that tribal council is getting dangerous, full of floating immunity idols that do and do not get used. And here I was thinking that tribal council was always dangerous. Maybe it isn't if you're Cirie and capable of controlling other people's minds. Cirie congratulates Amanda's skillful negotiating, saying she was "at the brink" of voting for Alexis and forcing a tie. And now because of that, Amanda thinks she can trust Cirie and their alliance is sound. Um, yeah ... as long as there is an odd number of players. The minute there's the possibility of a tie, Cirie is voting your ass out because while she can control minds, she cannot control rocks.

Day 34 arrives, and Erik and Natalie discuss how screwed they are. Erik's hoping that Parvati and Cirie will turn against Amanda when they realize that she'd win the hell out of any jury vote. It seems obvious to him that Amanda needs to go, and he wants her gone. He tells us that Amanda made him "feel like a fool" at tribal council, as if he didn't feel like a fool in all those other tribal councils when the person he was so sure was going that night, didn't. Also, if he thinks he looked like a fool in the last tribal council, well, there's another one coming up that's going to change the definition of that word to a picture of Erik's face. Erik really wants the immunity idol now, since tribal council is the last chance to use it. He and Natalie decide that, come reward challenge, whoever wins will send the other one to Exile Island; Erik says he doesn't want to go there, but he knows it's necessary. They seem to have a deal worked out, but then Erik tells us that he's thinking of going along with Natalie, but "nothing's set in stone."

Over in the cave, the other three tribe members are trying to figure out how to get Erik out of the game. Cirie worries that he'll just keep winning immunity challenges, but Parvati keeps the faith that he'll be the to go. As for Amanda, she again tells us that she totally trusts Cirie, who was ready to pick rocks to keep Amanda in the game. She ... was? Because all I saw was Cirie saying that she didn't want to pick rocks and therefore would be voting Amanda out. Which was exactly what she did. So either the editors were playing tricks on us to make last week's boot even more awesome or Cirie really does have the power to control people's minds and has used it to make Amanda believe a version of events that never happened. I'm sure it's the former, but I secretly hope it's the latter. Parvati says the most important thing right now is that Erik doesn't win the reward challenge and send Natalie to Exile, because if she gets the idol and Erik wins immunity, one of them will be going home . Cirie says that the key to working with Erik is to "get in his head," which is easy for her to say, what with her mind-control powers and all. Amanda will have to settle for playing up her hurt feelings of betrayal and offering to forgive Erik for trying to vote her off if he does her bidding, which is send Parvati to Exile and bring Amanda on the reward.

As instructed by Cirie, Amanda reports to Erik and asks him what he's thinking about the game now. Erik says he's just looking forward to the reward challenge and trying to win it. "I wanna win it. Because I am starving!" Erik says. Amanda strikes a deal with Erik: if she wins, she'll take him along. If he wins, he'll take her. If I was Erik, I'd laugh in her non-challenge-winning face. But Erik just tells us that he recognizes that Amanda is a "very strategic player" and that he's having a hard time trusting her after she called him out in front of the entire jury. Meanwhile, Amanda is telling Erik they should team up, because they're both threats to the remaining players so one of them will be to go. Erik rubs his chin and agrees with Amanda's assessment. Amanda tells us that Erik is naïve, so she's pretty confident she'll be able to "manipulate his mind" into sending Parvati to Exile Island. Sure enough, Erik tells Amanda that Natalie was "pushing" to send him to Exile Island if she won the reward challenge (another laughable prospect). "And I don't wanna go at all!" he whines. Um ... Erik knows that the immunity idol is on Exile Island, right? And that it's worth spending two days alone there since it guarantees you a spot in the Final Four, provided that you actually use it? And that they're playing for a million dollars, so being in the Final Four is a very good thing? Amanda twists this beautifully, saying that Natalie wants Erik to go to Exile Island so he'll be weak for the immunity challenge. "You're playing a physical game; why would you weaken yourself?" Amanda asks. She does not point out that it won't matter how weak Erik is for the immunity challenge if he has the IMMUNITY IDOL, but that's something that he really should be thinking about. And he isn't! Amanda claims that Parvati is "so weak" right now that she won't have the energy to even look for the immunity idol. Erik nods as if this makes any sense at all and tells us that he's got both Natalie and Amanda trying to fit him into their plans and he doesn't know who to trust. The answer is NO ONE. Didn't you see what happened when Ozzy trusted people? Or Jason? These same people, in fact? "You're good at thinking, Erik," Amanda says, barely able to refrain from laughing in his face. "It's not all hair up by my head!" Erik proclaims. The implication, of course, is that some of it is brain matter. But that's just an implication -- it doesn't make it true.

The reward challenge should be very interesting indeed: contestants will be quizzed on past seasons of the show. Each right answer gets one point and the first person to get four points wins the reward. I'm just dying to see Erik and Natalie, the so-called "Fans," run away with this challenge. Surely they'll both get to four points after the first four questions, and then keep tying it up until one winner cannot be declared, so great is their love and knowledge of this show. The winner and another contestant he chooses get a helicopter ride to a "luxury resort," where they'll enjoy a meal, massage, and an overnight stay. The winner will also get to send another player to Exile, where there is yet another immunity idol. The Immunity Idol carver worked overtime this season -- I hope he works on commission and not a flat rate! Probst has to overly explain to these idiots that the upcoming tribal council is the LAST CHANCE players will have to use the immunity idol, so don't go hoarding it and thinking you can use it later because you're a moron who doesn't understand how this game works like half the current jury.

First question: on which season of Survivor did a castaway have a pet snake? The answer, of course, is Rupert from Pearl Islands, and we get to see another shot of Rupert, the man who loves animals so much that he took one out of its habitat and kept it as a pet until it died. Cirie and Erik are the only ones to get the question right. Hmm. Natalie must have, like, heard the question wrong or something. I mean, surely a super-fan like her would know this! The second question is also animal-related: on which season of Survivor did a contestant get bitten by a shark and, in retaliation, bite the shark right back? "If you are a fan of this game, you should know this," Probst says, forgetting to add, "Natalie." Erik guesses the first season of the show and while he got the contestant right, he got the season wrong. Cirie and Parvati guess Palau, which was also a good guess, since that was the season where Tom caught the shark when the cameras weren't looking, thereby missing one of the most legitimately survivor-related moments in Survivor history. Cirie is humorously upset about her incorrect response. Natalie and Amanda get it right: Survivor All-Stars. Richard Hatch was the bitee and the biter. And now he's in jail!

Third question: in which season did one tribemate ask another to pee on his hand to relieve the sting of a sea urchin? Okay, these questions are easy. You could get them all right just by watching commercials for the show and not the show itself! And yet, Erik is the only one to get Marquesas correct. We get to watch Kathy pee on John's urchin-stung hand. John was such a whiny baby about that. My dad got stung by a sea urchin once during a family vacation, and he didn't ask any of us to pee on it. (Which is good, because we wouldn't have. Sorry, Dad.) Erik is now ahead with two points, while Parvati still has zero, which Probst delights in pointing out.

Fourth question: on which season was a castaway evacuated after falling into a fire? EVERYONE should know this, but most especially "Fans" Natalie and Erik. That was, like, famous and stuff. And yet, only Cirie, Parvati and Erik get it right. You guys, I'm beginning to suspect that Natalie isn't much of a "Fan" at all, and that maybe -- just maybe! -- this show gets most of its cast from a weekend trip to the Saddle Ranch on the Sunset Strip. Possibly even to the other Saddle Ranch on the Universal Citywalk, which is where you'll get the real dregs. Probst points out that Erik was all of fourteen years old when that episode aired, and is clearly a "superfan."

Fifth question: during which season of Survivor were castaways first separated into four tribes? Cirie knows this one, as it was the season she first appeared on. Erik and Natalie know it, too. It's the Panama Exile Island season. And they were separated four ways for all of one episode. With four points, Erik is the winner, and he is thrilled. "Survivor!" he cheers. Natalie smiles, too, sure that she will be heading to Exile Island to claim her idol. Probst asks Erik who he's sending to Exile Island, and Natalie's smile just gets bigger. It was tough losing Alexis last night, for sure, but today is a new day and things are looking up for Natalie! Oh, snap -- Erik chooses Parvati. Natalie deflates. Probst asks Erik who he's taking with him on the reward, and Natalie still looks hopeful. Okay, so maybe she won't get the idol, but after a good night's sleep and food and a massage, she'll be rested and ready to kick ass at the immunity challenge. Oh, snap again! Erik says he gave his word to Amanda that he'd take her and he's going to keep it. Amanda runs over to Erik and thanks him for keeping his word and says he's totally redeemed himself while Natalie shoots Cirie a "can you believe that asshole?" look. They're sent back to camp while Erik and Amanda are sent to the helicopter.

Natalie and Cirie return to camp. "Well, that was a doozy," is all Natalie can say. Cirie doesn't say anything. She just lets Natalie talk and vent. And she does. She's upset and stunned that Erik didn't send her to Exile Island and can't imagine why he sent Parvati instead. I can't either -- it seems pretty obvious to me that it's Natalie and Erik vs. Amanda, Parvati, and Cirie. If I were Erik, I'd be asking to go to Exile Island instead of reward. Natalie tells us that she was happy when Erik won the reward challenge because he promised he'd either send her to Exile or take her on the reward with him. I didn't hear the part where he promised her a spot on the reward, but it really doesn't matter. Because he ended up giving Natalie neither of those things. And she can't, for the life of her, figure out why. I'd be confused too, if I were her. After all, Erik said that Amanda was his biggest threat and he wanted her gone . Cirie just feeds the fire, saying that Erik is a "weasel" and promised Natalie and Amanda the same thing when he knew he wouldn't be able to deliver for one of them. Cirie doesn't think that Erik would take the person he wants to vote out on a reward with him, and says so while cocking an eyebrow in a most devious fashion. She then tells us that she enjoyed screwing with Natalie's head and what were they thinking with this interview spot? Cirie is, like, perched in a tree and the camera is almost totally under her and there are leaves partially obscuring the shot. And I don't even think she's in focus! Booo! Okay, I will give them one point for giving Cirie the low-angle shot that visually reinforces her all-powerful supreme beingness. Back on the beach with Natalie, Cirie continues that perhaps Erik is trying some kind of new strategy that Cirie has never heard of, where you feed and "take care of" the person you want to vote out . Cirie is having a blast with this, and she tells us back in her treehouse that this is her only consolation over not getting reward today. "If it looks like a rat and smells like a rat..." Natalie starts. "Give it cheese!" Cirie finishes. And just to make them feel even worse, the helicopter flies by with Erik hanging outside of it to wave to the girls and blow them kisses. Natalie appears to wave back, but she's probably trying to fan some wind in Erik's direction in the hopes that it'll knock him out of the helicopter.

Erik and Amanda helicopter around Micronesia and enjoy the view. Erik tells Amanda he's really glad he picked her, "a friend," to come with him instead of Natalie, "a stranger." "I felt the same way!" Amanda says. She sure did, and that's why she totally would have picked Parvati to come with her and Cirie to go to Exile if she had won the reward challenge. Erik tells us that he knows that he screwed Natalie over, but he just wanted to relax on this reward and didn't think that would be possible with Natalie around. He wants to get to know Amanda more "as a friend" again. Oh, dear. Erik. Honey. Please don't forget what game you're playing, and for how much money. Amanda hasn't, although she encourages Erik to "get out of the game for a day." The time we see them, they're getting massages and moaning way too loudly. Like, that's uncomfortable for the masseuse, guys. Shh. Then their nasty, bug bite-ridden feet are treated by two women who couldn't possibly have been paid enough. Erik says he's never been to a spa in his life. "Really?" Amanda asks, disbelievingly. He's twenty-two and a guy, Amanda. Of course he hasn't! (I hadn't until just last year, when I got a gift certificate as a birthday present. I HIGHLY recommend it, by the way.)

Amanda and Erik then enjoy a meal of white chunks in sauce. Erik says he feels like he's the center of the game right now, and people keep coming to him to find out what he wants to do. And he has no idea how to make decisions, having come here from working in an ice cream parlor. And he's been watching this show for eight years, right? So you'd think he'd have a good handle on the decision-making he might have to do. Also, making decisions isn't that hard, nor does it take a wealth of experience to do so successfully. Amanda tells Erik it's "good" to be in a "power position." Yeah, just ask Ozzy. Erik says he isn't used to it. And he won't ever be used to it at this rate, as he has never been in a power position during this game and he certainly isn't in one now. Erik says he'll just have to step up and make some decisions and "be a man." "An ice cream man instead of an ice cream boy," he says. You're twenty-two, Erik. You've been a man for four years. GET USED TO IT ALREADY. Amanda just giggles.

It's the day at Exile Island, and Parvati is hard at work looking for the immunity idol! Oh, wait, no she's not. She's lying on the beach, tanning, and telling us that Exile Island was a great opportunity for her to chill out and relax on her own. "Maybe look for the idol if I want to," she says. Maybe she will, and maybe she won't. As far as she's concerned, the only reason for her to be there is that Natalie doesn't get the idol. Wow, that's some confidence she's got going on. If she didn't look for the idol then I really hope her ass gets voted out at tribal council. And honestly, I think I would look for the idol if I was her just to stave off the boredom.

A cheesy dolphin wipe takes us to Dabu, where Erik and Amanda are on their way back to camp. Cirie tells Natalie not to be bitter when their tribemates return looking well-rested and fed. Natalie says she's more bitter about the Exile thing and the broken promises than missing out on the reward. Erik and Amanda arrive on the beach and Erik is surprised not to find a welcoming party. Amanda is pretty sure why, and Erik says they should "tone it down a little" when they tell Cirie and Natalie about the reward. Cirie ain't having that, though, as she greets them with a "look who's back, bitches!" And just to fuck with Natalie's head even more, Cirie details all the amazing stuff she's sure they just experienced, based on what she got when she won that same reward challenge during her first season on the show. Then there's an awkward pause as no one speaks and Natalie just starts attacking a coconut with a machete. She's going to cut out that coconut's jugular and floss with it! Erik tells us that the return to camp was "bad," and for some reason, Natalie wouldn't talk to him or even look at him. "She obviously had resentment," he concludes. Well, yeah. That's what happens when you promise someone something and then break that promise, especially when said broken promise probably cost her a chance at one million dollars.

Cirie gets Erik alone and laughingly demands that he promise to take her on the reward challenge he wins. Erik says that he was hoping to bring two people with him on the reward, and then he could take Natalie as well. Now she's mad at him. Cirie says Natalie seems to think that Erik wouldn't take Amanda with him on the reward if he was planning on voting her out. Erik says no matter what he does now, it'll either piss off Amanda or Natalie, so what can he do? How about not promise them the same thing? Or maybe LOOK AROUND BEFORE YOU SPEAK, as the camera suddenly spins to show us Natalie approaching the shelter from behind Erik's back, putting her in the perfect position to hear everything Erik says about how he thinks he, Parvati, and Cirie need to decide who is a bigger jury threat between Natalie and Amanda and vote her off ASAP. In fact, maybe Erik, Parvati, and Cirie should make a Final Three alliance. You'd think someone would have picked up on the fact that the camera that was shooting him and his conversation suddenly whirled around excitedly to shoot something else, and maybe figure out what that was before continuing. I mean, Natalie is STANDING RIGHT THERE! Like, three feet away! Of course, she's pissed, and tells us that Erik is a moron and she pretty much stood in front of him and listened to him say that she and Amanda needed to go. "I could've literally bitch-slapped him!" Natalie says; "smacked him like his mother." Ah, yes, another nonsensical threat of violence from Natalie. At least this time I can understand her rage.

After the break, Erik takes a nap while Natalie sits down with Cirie and Amanda and says she just heard Erik and Cirie's entire conversation. Cirie tells Amanda that Erik wants to ally with her and Parvati and vote out Natalie and Amanda. Amanda says she's not surprised by this at all, and that Erik is telling everyone the same thing; that he wants to ally with her for the Final Three. Well, he's not telling Natalie that anymore, I don't think. Amanda says that what Erik doesn't seem to realize is that there are only five people left in the game, and four of them are women. And women talk, and lies are uncovered. And you'd think Erik would have learned this lesson after watching Ami get voted out for telling two alliances the same thing, especially since he was the one who told everyone everything she did! Erik walks nearby and spots them all talking. "Idiot," Natalie says.

Erik tells us that he just screwed up "quite a bit," and told everyone something different, only to see them all talking to each other. Now he's worried that they've all told each other what he's promised them. He goes to his good friend Amanda and says he's worried that everyone thinks he's full of crap. Amanda asks him why he didn't realize that people were going to talk to each other and find him out. She says he has to pick a side and stick with it, because this whole wanting to vote her out because she's a threat and then taking her on reward and then wanting to vote her out because she's a threat again is ridiculous. Erik tells Amanda he made a lot of mistakes. He tells us that it just occurred to him that he might be the one to go because of this. Why doesn't he realize that as much as he sees Amanda as a challenge and jury threat, everyone else would see him as much more of one? Is he that self-absorbed that he can't begin to realize how others may view him?

Immunity challenge time! Parvati is reunited with her tribemates and hugs Amanda, which angers Probst because it interrupts his all-important "once again, immunity is up for grabs" speech. Just for that, he'll make sure that Amanda and Parvati don't win the immunity challenge. Don't fuck with Probst, bitches! Unless you're Julie. Also, Probst is wearing plaid shorts today and not his usual safari garb. What's up with that? For today's challenge, each player will be given a set of coordinates that will correspond to some pictures stationed around Circles in the Sand, which, by the way, is a great song. Contestants must tie two ropes to certain coordinates, and where those ropes intersect they will dig and uncover puzzle pieces. Then they'll bring the puzzle pieces back to a game board and solve the puzzle, which will tell them another set of coordinates. Repeat the exercise with the circle and then again with a third circle. The first player to solve his third puzzle wins immunity and a "guaranteed" spot in the Final Four.

And we're off! The players run to their first set of coordinates and then into the circle to set up their ropes. Of course, Erik is the first player to get his ropes set up and crossed, and he digs deep to get his first bag of pieces. They are buried pretty deep, so physical strength is a factor in this challenge, as is having long arms. Cirie is the player to get the pieces, and these women need to at least try to dig faster if they want any hope of beating Erik. I've seen faster sand-digging from toddlers making sandcastles on the beach! Erik is well ahead, and has his puzzle assembled before Cirie even has her pieces out of the bag. Parvati and Natalie are still digging away in the first circle when Erik starts digging in the second one, and this is pathetic. Natalie gets her pieces and solves her first puzzle at about the same time as Erik solves his second one and sets out for the third circle. Meanwhile, Parvati is still in the first circle and Probst is disgusted with her, announcing that she is "nowhere close" to being in this challenge as he walks away from her sorry ass. "Oh, Jeff," she says as she digs up her first bag. Heh. I love it when the contestants engage with Probst. Because he hates them and they sort of know it. Erik pulls out his last bag of puzzle pieces and almost trips over himself as he runs back to the puzzle board. He pours them out on the board and spills them everywhere, but it doesn't make a difference -- unless he suddenly forgets how to solve puzzles, he's a lock to win this thing. "Guaranteed spot in the Final Four if you win it!" Probst says. Yeah, and also if you don't take leave of your senses and give the immunity necklace away. But what are the chances of that happening? Slim to none, surely! Erik solves the puzzle, which reads "Guaranteed: Final 4," and Probst pronounces him the winner. Erik is thrilled. The girls are not so much, especially Natalie. Probst once again stresses that Erik is now guaranteed a spot in the Final Four and that it will be one of the women going home tonight. So I'm sure that's exactly what will happen.

Back at the beach, Erik wanders around triumphantly while Natalie asks Parvati and Cirie if she's the one going home tonight. "Probably," Cirie says. She's disappointed, too, since Erik "worked us all like cheap suits." Okay, Cirie, I love you and all, but you messed that phrase up. It's either "all over me like a cheap suit" or "folded like a cheap suit." I actually thought it was "wear like a cheap suit," but a google search produced few matches for that and many matches for the other two terms. There were no matches for "work like a cheap suit." Amanda appears beside Parvati, and everyone tells her about how Erik told them all the same thing. Parvati says it's too bad he has that immunity necklace so they can't vote him out for such deceitful behavior. Pause. "I wonder if he would give Nat his necklace?" Cirie says. That's right, my girl Cirie said it! She is the MASTER! ALL BOW DOWN TO THE WILL OF CIRIE. But that comes later. For now, Cirie tosses the suggestion aside with a "probably not, huh?" But the seed has already been planted, and Amanda waters it by encouraging Natalie to talk Erik into giving her the necklace. "Work your magic! You can convince him to give it to you!" she says. Natalie says there's no way he'd go for it; it wouldn't benefit him to give the necklace away. Amanda says she could tell Erik it would redeem him in the eyes of the jury, none of whom are going to vote for Erik right now. That's pretty shaky, so Cirie must step in with something solid: Natalie should tell Erik that if he gives her the necklace, he will be redeemed AND Natalie, Cirie, and Erik will vote for Amanda. Natalie has her doubts: "who would fall for that? Like, I feel stupid listening to you guys right now." For real. Natalie is almost likeable this week with lines like that. "Ozzy, Jason, and Erik," Parvati answers. "You're good at this, Nat," Amanda says. What proof do they have that Natalie is good at convincing anyone of anything? The last time she tried to convince Erik to do something, he sent Parvati to Exile and took Amanda with him on the reward. Natalie says she'll give it her all because she has no other choice, but "this is just ridiculous." It is, and that's what makes it so great. Natalie says she'll tell Erik that Cirie is down with voting for Amanda. Cirie adds the important finishing touch: the only way she'll go along with them is if Erik shows he can be trusted by giving Natalie the necklace. "I have to see him save you to believe that he'll vote Amanda because of all the stuff he's been saying -- perfect!" Cirie says. Parvati thinks it could work and probably likes that she's not involved in this at all. This week is all about Parvati getting some R and R! Cirie says their success all depends on how good Natalie is with her mouth.

A lone bat shivers in a cave. Natalie talks to Erik and says she's pretty sure she's the one going home tonight, but she does have "the most harebrained idea." I want to know who thought to use the term harebrained, because it was a nice touch. Erik says he's got plenty of hair on his brain, so he likes this already. Natalie starts off slowly, suggesting that she, Erik, and Cirie vote out Amanda tonight. She hesitates, not even wanting to let these stupid words leave her mouth because there's no way it's going to work, then says Erik will have to give Natalie his immunity necklace. "I'm not even going to consider that," Erik says. Correct, Erik. Now turn around and walk away. But he doesn't. Instead, he considers it. Natalie begs him to hear her out, and says Cirie will only vote for Amanda tonight if Erik gives up the necklace. Erik doesn't see why they can't vote for Amanda without him giving up his necklace. Natalie says Erik needs to redeem himself to the jury, and Erik needs to ask himself why Natalie would care so much about him looking good to the jury. That seems to be in the opposite of her best interests. "You're going to need a pivotal move if you want a jury vote," Natalie says. Erik nods and says he doesn't think he'll do so well in front of the jury as things stand right now. Moron! Why does he think that? Most of the people on the jury have been burned by one or all of the women -- not Erik. As long as Amanda isn't in the Final Three, he'd probably run away with this. Erik says he'll talk to Cirie. And even if she is in the Final Three, he still has a good chance provided that the jury respects immunity runs.

We all know Erik is screwed now, because he's talking to Cirie and there's nothing she can't convince you to do. He asks her why he can't vote for Amanda and keep his necklace. Cirie says she wouldn't believe Erik after all the stuff he's said to everyone in camp. She says she really wishes she could trust him, but this is his fault for breaking that trust. Cirie says she knows it's hard to ask someone to give up immunity, but it's the only way she'll know that he's for real. Erik sits there and thinks about this. Cirie tells us that she thinks Erik is starting to take the bait, and as soon as he gives up the necklace, his torch is snuffed. Cirie kindly says that Erik is a "pretty smart guy," so they have a 50-50 shot of getting what they want tonight. Okay, no. If Erik was a "pretty smart guy," you'd have NO SHOT at getting him to give up the necklace. If he was borderline retarded, you'd STILL have no shot. I happened to watch this show while studying one-celled organisms under a microscope, and they were all like, "you'd have to pry that immunity necklace off of our cold, dead, cilia." NO ONE GIVES UP THE IMMUNITY NECKLACE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!

Cirie goes to Amanda and says they'll have to play things right at tribal tonight, with Amanda and Parvati blasting Erik in front of the jury while Cirie and Natalie stay cool. With that, Cirie says they can't risk being seen talking to each other any more today.

A snake waves its way through the sand. "Erik is SO DUMB," it thinks. And its brain is the size of, like, a pea. Erik goes to Natalie with a concern about their plan: that Parvati will give Amanda the hidden immunity idol tonight. Natalie just stares at Erik, like, "I can't believe this is your only concern. Or even a concern at all." But the fact that Erik is even considering that someone else would give immunity away is a serious hint that he's thinking of doing it, too. He asks Natalie to vote for Parvati tonight instead of Amanda. Yes, Parvati, who probably has the immunity idol and wouldn't just go and give it away. Good God, how does he not see this? Natalie says this makes a lot of sense and she can see that Erik is thinking of every angle. She urges him to "go out on a limb." Erik says he's scared.

Natalie goes to Cirie and tells her that Erik wants to vote for Parvati. Cirie says she'll agree with anything as long as it gets Erik to do the stupidest thing in Survivor history and, most importantly, keeps Cirie in the game. "We just gotta reel him in," Cirie says; "it would be the ultimate Jedi mind trick." Actually, no. Erik would have to be in possession of a mind for that to be possible.

The Final Five take a seat at tribal council and Probst calls in the jury. Alexis winks at Natalie. She does not flip anyone off even though she was blind-sided at the last tribal council. Imagine that, Ozzy! Probst starts things off by asking Erik why he took Amanda with him on the reward challenge after she tricked him at tribal council and "worked" him in front of the jury. Amanda smiles. Over at the jury, Eliza is already looking amazed at Erik's lack of brains, so you know she's going to be good tonight. Erik says he wanted to redeem himself with her, and thought that was a good way to do it. Probst asks Parvati about Exile Island. She says it was an awesome, fun mini-vacation. And then she came back to camp only to hear that Erik was running around promising different things to different people, making alliances with "every single person," which Amanda mouths along with her. Um, don't make it so obvious that you're reading the teleprompter there, Amanda. Just kidding! There's no way a moment like this could be scripted. As for Erik, he just nods along with Parvati's accusations. Probst plays right along with the girls' plan, asking Erik what he's thinking right now, hearing Parvati out him and seeing all the women nod along with her that what she's saying is true. Erik says he did promise people different things, and then they all told each other about it. He calls this a "stupid mistake" and wants "some kind of forgiveness" for that here. Amanda sternly informs him that his word means nothing now. She thought he redeemed himself by taking her on the reward, and now she realizes that he only did that to get her vote on the jury, which he was fully intending to send her to as soon as possible. The jury, by the way, just shake their heads and laugh. Amanda points at all the other women individually and says Erik told each of them the same things he told Amanda, and the sound effects people have a ball putting little stingers in with each point. Erik says he's trying to come forward now to fix things, but Amanda and Parvati say it's too late for that and none of them respect him anymore. That shouldn't matter to you, Erik. "Game aside, I'm hoping for some sense of forgiveness," Erik pleads. "You can't say game aside because we're playing this game. We're in this game right now," Parvati says, and that's some good advice that Erik should follow. This is a game. It's not a friendship. It's a game with a prize that some people would do or say anything to get. Maybe you've lost sight of that, but it's obvious that Parvati -- and the other three women -- have not. So you really need to get that sight back, or else you're going to look like the stupidest person to ever appear on reality TV. Do you have any idea the kinds of people you have to beat to accomplish that? Have you seen Rock of Love? Some of those people are brain dead! Erik says he's sincerely sorry as Eliza rolls her eyes, wondering why Erik thinks people's feelings matter so much.

Probst asks Erik how he can actually win this game now, and Erik says he doesn't know because he doesn't see any "friendly faces" in the jury. Eliza makes sure to nod along with that, because apparently Cirie, like, blinked her a message in morse code that it was important to make Erik feel as hated as possible, even from the jury. "I need some kind of redemption," Erik says, and Natalie starts to look a little bit hopeful. Probst asks Cirie if saying you're sorry matters. Cirie says redemption does matter and is necessary for jury votes. But you can't get redemption with words -- only actions. HINT HINT, Erik. I have to say, the ladies played this beautifully, like they were playing in a four-piece orchestra. And Probst was their conductor.

And here's the moment I can't believe we're actually in suspense about: Probst asks Erik if he wants to give away his immunity necklace. The girls do their very best to look nonchalant. "This is a very tough decision for me," Erik starts. We cut to Jason raising his eyebrows in surprise and then laughing, and when JASON is laughing at your game choices, you know you're making the wrong ones. Wow. Eliza, of course, is wide-eyed and open-mouthed. Even the usually-scowling Ozzy looks surprised. Erik continues that he's made mistakes in the last couple of days and he knows that actions speak louder than words. Therefore: "I want to give individual immunity to Natalie." WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT!!!!!!! If you had told me that this would happen in the beginning of this episode, I would not have believed you. I still don't believe it now, and I'm on my second viewing. Giving away the immunity necklace! After several tribal councils where it was clear that the only reason he didn't get voted out was because he had immunity! Natalie turns away from Erik and looks around to make sure she didn't pass out and wake up in Opposite Land. Parvati just looks disgusted. Eliza manages to look even more surprised than she did when Ozzy was voted out, which I didn't think was possible. Ozzy just smiles and shakes his head. Natalie puts the necklace on gingerly, still thinking it can't be real but that this is a very realistic dream she's having. Amanda has to put a hand over her mouth, which is wide open. James breaks his jury silence with laughter. "Suddenly, Natalie, you are safe," Probst says, not sure if he should be beyond disgusted with Erik for doing something so blatantly stupid or kissing him for putting this show back on the map. He sends Erik off to vote first.

Erik walks past the jury with his finger crossed. They don't even want to look at him. They do look at the four women, who, now that Erik's not looking, are openly rejoicing, with Parvati kissing Natalie on the head. James does a baseball umpire "you're out!" signal. How could everyone know so well what is about to happen except for the one person it matters the most to? Erik votes for Parvati, employing what I believe is the first-ever sideways (vertical) vote. He says he's taking a risk and he hopes people will keep their word. Why would they, Erik? After all, you didn't. WORDS MEAN NOTHING.

But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe Natalie, Cirie, and Erik have something amazing cooked up that we don't know about and they're actually going to vote for Parvati. Oh, wait -- no way. For Natalie votes , and it's for Erik: "I don't even know what to say ... but thank you?" she says.

Amanda votes , and we see her vote is also for Erik. "You know ... " she starts, and then she has no more words. She just shakes her head as she slowly fades out. That was hilarious. The jury shakes their heads. You can tell that the editors and everyone involved with this show had the greatest time putting this segment together. I have a feeling they were openly laughing at Erik during this tribal council as well.

Cirie's , and we see her vote, too! It's also for Erik, which means we know before Probst tallies the votes who is going home. Damn. Erik did something so stupid that it broke sixteen season's worth of formula! Like, he broke the show! This is amazing. "You know, my mother always told me, you may not be able to beat 'em with these all the time," Cirie says, pointing at her biceps; "but you can always beat 'em with this." She points at her head, which, unlike Erik's, is full of brains. And magic.

Last up is Parvati, who sums everything up quite nicely with her vote for Erik: "you're crazy! You'll officially go down as the dumbest Survivor ever. In the history of Survivor. Ever!" And it's a history he knows so well, having won a reward challenge off of it and everything. At least Jason had the excuse that he clearly didn't watch this show and had no idea what he was doing.

Probst leaves to tally the votes. Amanda mouths "oh my god," still not believing that this is happening. Jason is loving everything about this moment, since it means his short reign as the stupidest Survivor ever will soon come to an end. Probst comes back with the urn and a tone of disgusted resignation. He asks if anyone wants to play the idol. Of course Parvati will be doing that, since there's no way anyone would be dumb enough not to even bother to look for a guaranteed ticket to the Final Four, right? And yet ... nothing. I don't think she even looked for it! If Erik hadn't been so stand-out stupid this episode, it would have been her. But he was, so here we go. Probst reads the votes. The first vote is for Erik. He nods but I'm not sure if he knew what was coming yet. The second vote is his vote for Parvati, which Probst makes a big deal out of having to turn vertically thanks to Erik's wild ways. The vote is for Erik, who gawks. Over on the jury, Eliza has her hands out in the universal, "what were you thinking?!?!?" gesture. And now Erik looks sad. Aww, it's not really fair to laugh at someone for doing something so stupid, is it? And yet, I am. Because you know what? He's not an ice cream boy. He's an adult, and a fan of this show. He should know better. My mom doesn't even watch this show anymore, and when I called her and told her that someone gave the immunity necklace away at tribal council, she immediately said, "well, he needs to go. He doesn't deserve to be on the show if he's going to do that." And she's exactly right.

Probst reads the third vote for Erik and tells him he's done with this game. The jury laughs. Amanda laughs. Erik takes it well, at least. "You guys drive me crazy!" he says. Yeah, well, crazy people are watching this show right now and saying, "I think I'm Napoleon, and I would never have given away the immunity necklace. Ever!" And for the record, I don't think Erik is that stupid. I think he made some insanely bad choices in regards to hairstyle and immunity necklace possession that I cannot begin to fathom, but not stupid. Maybe too nice, too trusting, incapable of learning from the things that got other players voted out just a few days ago, about as naïve as a two-year-old, and just not smart enough to realize you can't be those things and succeed in this game. I'm not sure that this happened when Erik was gathering his stuff like we're meant to believe or after the players and Erik left, but James breaks the rules and actually speaks, saying he is no longer the "dumbest Survivor ever" while the jury guffaws. "I should've known better," Erik moans as the ladies laugh. Probst extinguishes his torch and Erik leaves. He waves good-bye to the women who wrapped his immunity-having ass around their little fingers and they wave right back. Erik runs off, and Probst just says, "I think that is what you call a 'life lesson.'" The four ladies sit there and grin with the biggest, whitest smiles on their faces, all looking radiant in victory. And they damn well deserve those smiles, except Parvati. But three of them did the seemingly impossible: they voted off the guy who won immunity. They made the show even better than Ozzy's boot or even Alexis' last week and I didn't it could get any better. That's pretty damn impressive.

You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, which she occasionally updates when she's bored at work. Or you can try your luck emailing her at saramorrison@gmail.com with news that some Nigerian king died and she stands to gain ten percent of his fortune if she hands over her bank account info.