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The Final Four ladies are delighted with their triumph over stupidity, but their happiness is short-lived when there's another immunity challenge the day. Natalie gets an early lead, but Amanda wins it, which means Natalie's going to have to work pretty hard to convince Parvati to vote for Cirie instead of her. She plays it cool and strikes when she finds weaknesses in the alliance, and even though the three ladies squabble at tribal council when Cirie voices her concerns about being at the bottom of both the five-way Favorite alliance and the three-way female one and Amanda insists that it isn't true, Natalie still goes home. Also notable is Probst implying that there may not be a Final Three this time around, but a Final Two. With an eight person jury who could make it a tie? Parvati very much doubts this, but Amanda breaks down and when the Final Three return to camp, lashes out at Cirie and accuses her of trying to make her and Parvati look bad in front of the jury. They bicker while Parvati silently watches and thinks about how this can only help her chances. And then Amanda apologizes to Cirie and says she's just sick of playing this game, which she's now played longer than any other castaway and in back-to-back seasons. Don't you go all Kathy on us, Amanda! You can feel your family! The morning, the girls are hoping to find their Final Three food celebration basket, but the treemail is yet another immunity challenge. Amanda breaks down in tears while Cirie and Parvati silently think strategy. Cirie has to admit that after all the blindsiding they've done to everyone else, it's kind of fitting that they'd be blindsided at the end. I wonder when the decision to make this a Final Two instead of Three was made. Was it because of the injuries? Did they plan it all along? And if they did, what were they planning to do in the case of a tie? Anyway, they do the traditional boring past player torch reflection walk and burn down the Exile Island lifeguard tower before setting off for the last immunity challenge, an endurance/concentration task. Parvati is out quickly, but that's fine with her since she's got to be both Cirie and Amanda's first pick to go to the jury with. And then … Cirie loses it. Amanda wins immunity. Both Cirie and Parvati try to talk her into taking them to the end, and at tribal council, Amanda is all tears about what a tough choice she has to make before voting out Cirie. Which is painful, but I don't see how she could have done it differently. Cirie was an awesome player and sure to win if she made it to the end; her only mistake was not reading the producer's minds and planning for a Final Two. Well, that and not being very good at challenges. She has a really sad good-bye speech and now we're down to two. They burn the camp down and go to tribal council, where they face the standard onslaught of angry, wronged jury members. And then there's Natalie, who I think used her jury question to ask Parvati out on a date. For the second season in a row, Amanda sucks at defending herself to the jury, while Parvati defends how she played by saying that if she screwed people over, it was all in the name of playing a strong, powerful game and she knew she couldn't beat Ozzy or James at the end so she had to get rid of them in order to win. Ozzy doesn't take things well at all, and uses his jury question to be a whiny little baby and accuse Parvati of placing a value on their friendship and then tell Amanda that he's in love with her and wants everyone to know how amazing she is. Aw, that was sweet. But why was he snuggling up to Alexis if that's how he felt about Amanda? And why is this tribal council All About Ozzy when he's NOT EVEN IN THE FINAL TWO??? They vote, and we see Erik and Ozzy vote for Amanda while Natalie and Alexis vote for Parvati. We don't see who Eliza votes for, but it takes her like an hour to do it. She finally makes a decision and Probst takes the urn all the way to New York, although he just walks it there with no awesome traveling montage. Why did they stop doing that? I loved it. He reads the votes to an overly made-up Amanda and Parvati and they're tied at three. I'm thinking there's no way Parvati can win and I'm surprised she managed to get three votes. But then she gets a fourth. And then, a fifth. And somehow, Parvati wins the sixteenth season of Survivor.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Welcome to the beginning of the end! I'm really excited about recapping three hours of show tonight, as it should prove to be my own personal version of Survivor. My first obstacle is that my DirectTV DVR had a technical glitch and decided to record The Price is Right instead of Survivor, and not even a full episode of the show. Just the stupid Showcase Showdown part. So now I have to recap using the CBS site to watch the show and be subjected to the same damn shampoo commercial every five minutes. Also I ran out of snacks, so I'm starving. The things I endure for you people! Probst recaps the season so far: a bunch of clown "Fans" with bad hair played against a bunch of so-called "Favorites," which somehow included Jon from Pearl Islands but not Twila from Vanuatu. Jonathan and James had to leave the game due to injuries, while Kathy was felled by rain. Parvati, Amanda, and Cirie made an early alliance and stuck to it, although Parvati went around making side deals with "Fans" Alexis and Natalie. Ozzy got the immunity idol, but didn't play it and was shocked to be voted out. Eliza was shocked too, and the editors let us see her priceless reaction once more and it was like this: 8-o. Then the women turned into spiders and blind-sided everyone, which isn't much of an accomplishment when you consider how stupid those people were. But still: props to the ladies! And then Erik won immunity and was guaranteed a spot in the Final Four, only to be persuaded to give up said immunity and be voted out. And Eliza was like this: 8-O.
Now there are four: first up, because she should ALWAYS be first, is Cirie, who says, over shots of her various game accomplishments (which include swimming with paint on her face, picking up a branch and smiling) that if she trusts you she'll stick with you until the end (unless it's rock-picking time -- sorry about that, Amanda!). But if she can't trust you, then you shouldn't trust her. Over shots of her walking, swimming and sitting down, Natalie tells us she's a cutthroat, stone-cold bitch. As we see her run and smile, Amanda tells us she's played this game loyally, made personal relationships, and fought her way to the end. Parvati at least gets some action shots as she claims that she's playing this game aggressively and with "no holds barred." Hmph. More like "no holes barred."
The ladies return to camp and celebrate their victory over Erik with shrieks of joy that make the crabs run away in terror. They hug and scream and then stir their fake cauldrons while cackling. Hmm. I was hoping it was only Parvati and Alexis who did that. I'm sort of disappointed in Natalie, Cirie and Amanda. Amanda does a cute little Final Four victory dance just for us, and then Parvati says that as soon as Erik said "this is a tough choice," she knew they had him. Parvati tells us that everyone fell into their trap -- and it was the same trap over and over again! Well, except for what happened to Alexis, which was like the opposite of that trap. But still, they did manage to pull off some amazing moves and produce some very enjoyable tribal councils, so they deserve this. Cirie tells us that they couldn't beat Erik in any of the challenges, but now he's been "taken care of," so their game may continue. Parvati says that after four back-to-back blindsides, she can't wait to see what happens . With that, Amanda, Parvati and Natalie do "sexy" dances while Cirie keeps her dignity.
The morning, the ladies are still laughing their asses off about Erik's boot. Cirie tells Parvati and Amanda that she's starting to feel nervous around them. Parvati says she's just as nervous around Cirie. And with that, Parvati climbs a tree and gets a bunch of coconuts. Guess you're not so special after all, Ozzy! She tells us she loves being there with just girls and no guys around with their big egos, always trying to look cool in front of the women. Right, because none of those women have big egos or were ever trying to impress the men. Why can't Parvati just admit that she's happy the guys are gone because now she actually has a chance to win a challenge? On second thought, I guess Parvati can't say that, because there's still no chance she's winning any challenges. Get ready for the rise of Amanda, unlikely challenge powerhouse!
Natalie says she's "so thankful" to still be in the game. Parvati says she's thankful that Natalie is there, too, and that Natalie should recognize how amazing she is at getting people to give her what she wants. "You really should swallow your pride and ask for whatever you want all the time!" Parvati says. Ah, yes; life advice from Parvati. Here's a tip, Nat: DON'T FOLLOW IT. Asking people for stuff may get you far in a thirty-nine-day reality show, but it's not the way to win the game of life. Or even the way to win the game of Life, which everyone knows is making sure you spin the right number in the beginning so that you land on either the doctor or lawyer job spaces because they pay the most. Natalie says she doesn't ask for things in real life, which is good because people who ask for stuff are lame. Case in point: Parvati thinks this is an awesome way to live life. Natalie says she's the only "Fan" left in the game, but she's bonded with Parvati and they're friends. Except when Parvati was ready to vote her out, like, yesterday. Parvati and Natalie chatter away while Amanda and Cirie look on, seemingly concerned. Parvati says that everyone left deserves a spot in the Final Three and they've all played really well. Just keep buttering her up for that jury vote, Parvati. Atta girl. Natalie tells us that she sees Parvati as an ally, and thinks their close relationship will help her in the game. Hmm ... I hate to say it, but I'm beginning to worry about Cirie's chances.
Here comes treemail, but it's not what the ladies were expecting: this challenge is for immunity, not reward. That's a little early. Where is the car challenge? And if immunity is this soon, does that mean there's going to be a jury session that lasts, like, an hour and a half? Because that is no fun! I will pull a Kathy and quit right now, I swear to God. Cirie says that the only important thing going into today's challenge is that Natalie doesn't win, or else that will be the end of their Final Three alliance. Worst of all, Cirie would probably be the one going home instead, and that simply cannot happen.
Immunity challenge time! We see four poles with tiny platforms on them sticking out of the water. On the beach is a tall platform with rung-less ladders leading to the top. Probst greets the women with "four ladies, feeling oh-so-good about themselves," somehow implying that they have no right to feel this way. They totally do. I'm sorry your awesome, hot, strong men all got booted, Probst, but that doesn't mean the ladies who booted them don't deserve to be here. Probst takes the necklace back from Natalie and explains the challenge: players will stand on the pole and fetch as much water as they can from below using a bucket with holes in it. They will dump their water into what Probst calls a "bamboo shoot" but what looks to me like a plain old plastic tube. As the tube fills with water, a pole with keys attached to the top will rise up. Once it's within arm's reach, players must grab the keys, jump into the water, and swim to the beach, where they'll unlock a chest filled with individually-shaped ladder rungs. Each rung only fits in one spot on the ladder. The first person to assemble her ladder, climb to the top of the platform and raise her flag will win immunity.
With that, we cut to a cheesy shot of the immunity necklace perch superimposed over sped-up B-roll of the clouds flying past. And then the ladies are on top of their poles and we begin! Natalie takes an early lead and is the first person to get her keys. Parvati soon follows her into the water. They've already got their boxes unlocked and have started putting rungs on the ladder when Amanda and Cirie get their keys. Natalie is so into the game that she doesn't notice or care that her boob has fallen out of her shirt. Meanwhile, Probst keeps filling the air with his pointless noise. I wonder if the contestants have learned to tune him out by now. I hope to one day be able to do the same.
The ladder proves to be a great equalizer, as Amanda and Cirie quickly catch up to Natalie and Parvati. Amanda, in fact, soon gains a big lead. Parvati is in second place, from what I can tell. "Natalie having a little trouble with this puzzle," Probst says in his teasing tone. Amanda makes it to the very last rung, but it won't fit -- somewhere along the line she put the wrong rung in, even though each rung is only supposed to fit into one spot. She has to go back and check out all the rungs to see which one is wrong, while Probst claims that Natalie is getting close to winning. But Natalie has only about half the rungs in by the time Amanda switches out her incorrect rung for the correct one and climbs the completed ladder to victory. She's delighted at the win, and the other girls congratulate her.
The ladies return to camp. Natalie takes out her disappointment in losing on a coconut while Cirie jokingly claims that Amanda only won the challenge because of her long arms. They laugh. I wouldn't laugh if I was that close to an angry, machete-wielding Natalie. Amanda tells us that she can't believe she's in the Final Three again after playing her game so much differently this season than she did last time. I didn't see her season, so I can't really vouch for how true this is. She says she's much happier with how she played the game this time around. Unbelievably, they still have one hen left. Her name is Gloria. Cirie thinks they should let Gloria go free. Natalie suggests that the wild rooster apparently wandering around the camp could "have his way with her." So this is how we celebrate girl power? By releasing a hen into the wild to get raped by a rooster? Really?
Natalie laughs along with the rest of the ladies while acknowledging to us that she knows she's the lowest woman on the totem pole and probably will be going home tonight. But she won't go down without a fight, and says she's going to "explore all [her] options." I think she should try to convince Amanda to give up the immunity necklace, what do you guys think? The girls prepare to release Gloria. Natalie says that if Gloria is anything like them, she'll mate with the rooster and then "rip his neck off." The others laugh. I think Natalie is scary. She tells us that these women are as smart as she thinks she is, so she can't scurry around trying to make deals to save her ass. Instead, she's going to bide her time and stay cool and look for a crack in the alliance's armor to exploit.
Various reptiles crawl through the grass as Cirie and Natalie have a chat. Cirie says she hates when the game gets down to four people and wishes they could have a Final Four instead of a Final Three. Natalie stays quiet, and Cirie asks her if she's promised anyone else her vote. I'm not sure if she means her jury vote or her vote at tribal council tonight. Either way, Natalie says she has not. "Good," Cirie says. Natalie studies her face, then tells us that she thinks she can use Cirie's apparent nervousness in regards to jury votes against her by going to Parvati and trying to strike a deal with her. And here's where I start worrying about my Cirie again. She can't go home now, right? She just can't! Natalie says she thinks Parvati would "go out on a limb" for her, and I laugh in her face. Parvati's not going out on a limb for anyone except Parvati.
Meanwhile, Amanda and Parvati are talking about their chances with the jury. Parvati seems to think that they'll be splitting the jury votes and Cirie won't get any, so she clearly hasn't been watching the same show I was. They do think Cirie will "pull out all the stops" and is probably trying to get Natalie's jury vote right now. Amanda tells us that their plan has always been her, Parvati, and Cirie for the Final Three. But, she says, Cirie could be a threat to them in terms of winning jury votes, and she doesn't want Natalie to go. Well, that's different than what we just saw her and Parvati saying about Cirie not being able to get jury votes. Is she a threat or not, guys? Amanda tells Parvati that Cirie knows that if Natalie won the immunity challenge today, they all would be voting Cirie out tonight. With that, Amanda claims that she doesn't know who she's voting for tonight. Parvati says Natalie played a great game, while Cirie "got lucky" to be in their alliance. Well, fuck you, Parvati. I'm pretty sure Cirie was the one making all of the moves that put your little alliance on the top of this game. If it wasn't for Cirie, you'd all be begging immunity-having Erik not to vote you out at this point.
Back at camp, Cirie and Amanda talk, which gives Natalie a chance to sidle up to Parvati. Natalie tells Parvati that Cirie is "freaking out" and trying to get her jury vote. Parvati says that's Cirie's game, and it's a shady one. As opposed to Parvati's, which is flirt with the guys and let them carry you into the merge, at which point you use your real-life friendship against the biggest threat to blindside him out of the game. Parvati tells us that she likes Natalie, and also thinks that Natalie would be less of a jury threat than Cirie going into the Final Three. I don't know what to think, because on one hand, Parvati is absolutely right and would be a fool not to vote Cirie out, but on the other, I don't want Cirie to go! I want her to WIN! What the hell am I going to do with a Final Three of Natalie, Parvati and Amanda? God, I'll have to cheer for Amanda, won't I? Natalie actually makes crazy look boring, and Parvati is full of herself and takes credit for all of Cirie's amazing gameplay. At least Amanda did that thing with the immunity idol.
Natalie butters Parvati up, saying that she really wants to be here and make it one more day. Parvati just nods along with her, but doesn't promise anything. Cirie tells us that she knows very well that Amanda and Parvati might have worked something out with Natalie and she'll be the one going home tonight. "We've duped so many people -- " she says, then looks around, suddenly worried there's someone listening behind the bushes or something. "I don't want you to go," Parvati tells Natalie, her arm around her. Natalie responds by grabbing some Parvass. That's ... a new dynamic in their relationship.
They arrive at tribal council, and Probst brings in the jury. Ozzy is all smiles this time, possibly because he spotted the immunity necklace around Amanda's neck. And here comes poor old Erik, who actually waves at the girls. I'm starting to believe he's more nice and overly trusting than he is stupid. He's certainly a better sport than Ozzy. Natalie responds with a sarcastic thumbs-up because she's a bitch. The girls all shoot Erik pitying glances as he sits down. He just smiles and shakes his head.
Probst starts things off cheesy by saying that all four women should be nominated for a "Survivor Academy Award," like, the fact that it's a Survivor-specific award really lowers its value. I mean, what are the other categories? Best Fishing? Best Supporting Fishing? "It was masterful to watch," Probst says, although we all know that he didn't just watch -- he went at Erik with a very specific line of questioning that allowed the girls to work their magic. Natalie says it went down without a hitch and they all achieved what seemed to be an impossible task. Probst asks Natalie how she's feeling heading into this tribal council after so many others have ended in blindsides. Natalie says she thinks they respect each other enough for there not to be a blindside, which gets a "say what?" look from Probst and giggles from the jury. Natalie says she wouldn't mind a blindside tonight, though, because she's expecting to be voted out. Probst turns to Amanda and asks her how confident she is that she knows exactly what's happening. "I have no idea what's going on," Amanda says. Well, that will probably not go down in history as one of her shining tribal council moments.
Probst says to Parvati that it seems like only a fool would say anything with confidence at tribal council nowadays, and if you don't believe that, look at most of the jury. Parvati agrees with Probst even though last week she was so foolishly confident that she didn't even bother to look for the immunity idol. She continues that this is probably the most strategic and complicated game in the history of the show. Hope you don't get a bruise from patting yourself on the back too hard, Parv!
Probst asks Amanda if they've talked about what happens when they get down to three, or if they're just assuming there'll be a Final Three. Everyone's faces change, because they were totally assuming there would be a Final Three since that's how this game has been played for several seasons now and also if there was a Final Two then there'd be eight people on the jury, which could lead to a tie. So clearly, that would be crazy. Amanda says no one is expecting a Final Two, and it'd really throw them. Probst asks Cirie how the game would change if she knew there'd be a Final Two. Um, it'd change the game a lot, Probst, since everyone's strategy has been for a Final Three. And while it's awesome when the players blindside each other, I have a big problem with the producers blindsiding the contestants like this, especially since I'm pretty sure a Final Two was not planned from the beginning. Cirie says the thought of a Final Two is "nerve-wracking" to her, since it would mean that yet again she's at the bottom of her alliance. Amanda asks Cirie when she ever thought she was on the bottom in the first place. Cirie says when they had an alliance of five and four of them were paired off with each other it was pretty obvious to her that she was on the bottom, especially when Ozzy apparently said that he wanted them to be in the Final Four. Amanda doesn't deny this, but asks Cirie when, since the merge, she's felt like she's been at the bottom of the alliance. "Always," Cirie says without hesitation. The jury smiles at the sight of these self-proclaimed strong, bonded women bickering. Natalie, too, is enjoying the moment. Probst points this out, like, way to blow up Natalie's spot, Probst. Natalie says she sees this as an opportunity and she's happy to let the ladies duke it out. Probst asks Amanda if she wants to give her necklace away, and she says absolutely not and everyone smiles and looks over at poor Erik. With that, it's time to vote. We don't see anyone's vote.
Probst goes to collect the vote, and I'm so scared that Cirie is voted out, you guys. So scared! I can't face the hour and fifteen minutes left in this show without Cirie. Probst reads the votes: first is for Cirie. No! The second is for Natalie. Yes! Third is for Natalie. Phew! But it could still be a tie, and Cirie is not so good with Final Four ties. Fortunately, the fourth is also for Natalie. Hooray! Get your crazy ass on the jury, Natalie! Natalie hugs the girls while the jury watches, disgusted. Natalie takes her torch to Probst and salutes him as he snuffs it. She blows the ladies a kiss and she's gone. Probst congratulates the Final Three and sends them back to camp. Natalie tells us that she's happy with how she played the game and the people she played it with, and she's proud to be the last "Fan" standing. I didn't like her very much and thought she might be slightly unbalanced at the end there, but I'll admit that she did pretty well. Four out of twenty is nothing to sneeze at.
The Final Three head back to the beach. Parvati calls the tribal council "weird," while Amanda is livid. She accuses Cirie of trying to make her and Parvati look like bitches to the jury. Cirie says she was just being honest -- what she said at tribal had nothing to do with gameplay. Parvati was "snuggled up" with James and Amanda was with Ozzy. That makes Cirie the odd woman out. "If you were me, how would you feel? I mean, be me for a minute!" Cirie shouts. And wasn't Amanda the one who called her, Ozzy, James and Parvati a "four-clique?" So I don't know why she's denying it now. I think Amanda has a very selective memory. Cirie emotionally continues that Parvati has already said that she couldn't vote Amanda out, so that means it'll be them two against Cirie if there's a Final Two. Amanda continues pleading ignorance as to how Cirie would think she was at the bottom of the alliance, then tells Cirie to stop screaming at her. Cirie calms down and says she doesn't know how else to explain this to Amanda. Parvati just says Cirie's logic "makes sense." Amanda makes a sad face and apologizes. She says she's "at [her] breaking point." The ladies hug and apologize and cry and stuff.
Amanda tells us that she "broke down" and has no idea why she yelled at Cirie. She feels like she's been on Survivor forever, since she came here straight from China. Amanda says she "almost lost it" when Probst mentioned a Final Two, and that would have been kind of awesome to see. I think Amanda could trash the tribal council set pretty good until they finally took her down with tranq darts. Parvati says there's no way there'll be a Final Two, but Cirie says Parvati is always wrong so this is small comfort. Cirie tells us that she wants to celebrate being in the Final Three with Parvati and Amanda, but she can't when she's worried about a Final Two.
Some cheerful music plays us into Day 38, so you know that as the sun rises, so did the castaways' spirits. Parvati claims that she will never touch a coconut ever again. I doubt that; I have tried to make a life out of avoiding gross coconut, only to be sneak-attacked by chocolates I thought were full of something good like strawberry cream or caramel but instead were full of coconut. And then you have to eat the entire chocolate because you don't want to be the asshole who takes one bites and puts it back. Parvati tells us that she's "ecstatic" to be here with Cirie and Amanda. Well, of course she's going to say that -- we can see them standing like fifteen feet away from her in her confessional! Parvati's not an idiot like Erik who talks about fellow contestants when they're within earshot. Unless that contestant is Eliza. Poor Eliza. To celebrate their victory, the girls decide to finally free Gloria, the last chicken standing. I think this was more of an act of laziness than charity; Cirie tells us that they didn't want to deal with killing Gloria and seeing her "flopping around" as she died. Gloria greets her freedom by making a nest in the sand right to the starving women holding machetes. Gloria is stupid. And yet, if she were to win an immunity necklace, I bet she'd keep it. Cirie says Gloria doesn't seem to realize that the game is "over," and a "done deal," and is hanging around camp like their pet dog. What Cirie needs to do right now is kill Gloria and eat her when Amanda and Parvarti aren't looking so she can get the extra protein necessary for a possible surprise immunity challenge.
The ladies walk, arm-in-arm, to the treemail, where they're sure they'll find a basket full of food congratulating them for being the Final Three. And that's why it's kind of funny when they find not food, but a note informing them that there will be one more immunity challenge and a Final Two. But first they have to go to Exile Island and look at contestants' torches. The three are seriously bummed about the Final Two, as well they should be. Parvati doesn't seem quite as bummed as the other two, though, because she probably knows that whoever wins the immunity challenge will be taking her to the Final Two. Cirie and Parvati walk off, dejected, but Amanda stays to fold her arms and be the saddest. Amanda sobs to us that she can't take this game anymore and it doesn't seem to ever end. And now she's so close to the two remaining ladies that she can't bear to see one of them go. "This just sucks completely!" she says.
Part of me kind of enjoys watching the three ladies feel "sick" and sad about this blindside, because I'm sure they're getting a taste of what they fed so many others. On the other hand, I don't think it's at all fair of the game to make them all think and strategize for a Final Three and then surprise them with a Final Two, especially since I'm betting that they made this decision during the game and not before it, if only because I can't imagine them purposely choosing to have an even number of people on the jury. I mean, what's the point of even making a strategy in this game if the producers are just going to change it on you like this? And doesn't this set a precedent of producer interference in the game that can now be extended to changing challenges to favor the people they want to win them? It's bad enough that Probst basically orders people to vote off the weak players in every tribal council. Cirie tells us that it was "almost poetic" that they, who blinded-sided so many players out of the game, would be blind-sided themselves with a Final Two. "I guess, you know, what goes around, comes around," she says. She's taking this better than anyone else, considering the fact that she's got to know that she's the most likely candidate to be voted out tonight. Parvati and Amanda sob and try to refocus on the game. Parvati admits that she feels "taken down a peg" and "humbled." She's hoping the torch walk will give her perspective. I think it's going to give me a nap.
The ladies row to Exile. Cirie says she respects all of the players, even though she beat them. The canoe beaches on Exile Island. First torch is stupid Jon's. Parvati says he was "kind of a decent guy," but we all know that's just what he wanted her to think. Speaking as someone who has met Jon in person and had to resist his advances (I know -- how could I turn down such a hunk? Sheer willpower), I will disagree with that. Jon claims to be the "cerebral assassin" of Survivor, but couldn't give his all to this game and was happy to leave it on his own terms. The rest of us are just happy he left. The second torch belongs to Mary, who none of them knew and can't say much about. She says it's awful to go out so early, but maybe her tribe saw her as a threat. Not all of them -- just the gigantic hulking mass of stupid that was Joel. Third is Yau-Man, who Cirie says "had to go so early, because he was such a great player." Yau-Man says he knew he had a target on his back when someone called him one of the most likeable players. And he had a great time even though he left so early. Fourth up is Mikey B, who the girls say was a "fierce competitor." Mikey says it hurts to leave the game this early but it was still a life-changing experience. The girls come across Joel, and don't have much to say about him except that he was "intense." Seeing Joel again reminds me of how he almost single-handedly doomed the entire tribe of "Fans." Taking out Mary and Mikey B instead of Chet? Dumbass. He couldn't have been booted quickly enough for me. Joel says he feels like he failed because he didn't make it to the end. Well, you did fail, Joel. You suck!
Jonathan is , and the girls acknowledge that he only left the game because he was taken out medically. Jonathan says he feels like he can leave this game with his head held high and with no animosity towards anyone (except, I'd hope, the people who planned that immunity challenge), and it was a "once in a lifetime experience I got to do twice." Chet is , and Cirie says the chickens haven't been the same since he left. Let that be your legacy, Chet, because that's probably the best thing we can say about you in this game. Chet says he always dreamt of being on the show and he's happy to make it to the seventh person voted out when everyone thought he'd be the first. Yeah, he was so happy to make it that far that he basically quit. Except he didn't even have the balls to do that, so he made everyone else quit for him and screwed Tracy over. I'm still mad about that. Kathy is , and Parvati says she was a "colorful character." "Yeah, to say the least," Cirie adds. You can tell they're making an effort to put things as kindly as possibly. Kathy says she's "in awe" of anyone who has ever played this game, which is the most difficult thing she's ever done -- even harder than giving birth. In fact, she'd rather "whip out" eight more kids in ten minutes than do this again. Thanks for the mental image, Kathy! And then there's Tracy. Amanda says Tracy was underestimated in the game, and I would agree with that. Tracy says she's not the same person she was when she started this game, even though she was only in it for twenty days. Oh, and there's a shot of her throwing a rock at the tile during one of the challenges, and she just threw that thing like a champ, didn't she? Like, she nailed it. Meanwhile, I believe that was the challenge where Joel did not break any tiles. I wonder how Tracy would have done in this game had she been ten or fifteen years younger. Or at least put on a tribe that didn't ostracize people simply because of their age.
Ami is , and the girls say they loved Ami even though they voted her crying ass out. "Ami loved everyone," Cirie says. And yet, none of you trusted her enough to keep her and boot Erik. Ami tells us that she thinks she was "more sensitive" in this game than in her first season, and balanced vulnerability and strength well. Too bad she didn't do a better job balancing her personalities! Eliza is , and Parvati again calls her her "arch-rival." I know I missed the first three episodes, but I still don't know where she's getting this from. I think a lot of this Eliza-Parvati feud exists solely in Parvati's head. And it's probably pretty lonely up there. Parvati acknowledges that Eliza put up a real fight and went down in a "blaze of glory." Eliza says she was the underdog in this game, and "on the outs" pretty much from the beginning. And yet, she made the jury. Such is the awesomeness of Eliza. How does she do it? And there's Ozzy. Amanda makes a sad face and says Ozzy is the "most well-rounded player ever in Survivor", and Parvati and Cirie giggle about Amanda's crush. "That's why he had to go!" Cirie sing-songs. Amanda hands Ozzy's torch to Parvati, who says Amanda can carry it. Ozzy says he thinks being on this show makes you think about and realize who you really are, and that he knew he had to trust people this time around to make it in this game, and that ended up costing him. And here's a surprise -- he says his relationship with Amanda is worth more than any money he could have won. I didn't know his feelings for her were that strong, what with all the flirting he did with Alexis. They must have really played those two down in editing.
is Jason, who the girls acknowledge managed to beat Ozzy twice, although they don't mention all the times Ozzy beat him, probably because they lost count. Jason says that no one got to see him as the strong competitor and good provider he was because Ozzy overshadowed him. What is he even talking about? Ozzy caught fish and stuff. Jason killed a rat and grossed everyone out. There is no comparison. Good thing you got to overshadow Ozzy eventually when you went out for even dumber reasons than he did, Jason. And if you're sick of Ozzy "overshadowing" everything you do, maybe you shouldn't make your good-bye speech all about him. Dumbass! There's James, who Parvati calls her "little cuddlebug." The girls say James was an honest, straight shooter. And that's why he kind of sucked as a player in this game. Funny at times, but no strategy and therefore, boring as hell. James says he wishes he could have been voted out rather than taken out with a finger injury. I guess he should have been more careful when handling clams, then. Alexis is up , and I can't wait for this snoozer segment to end already. Cirie says that she's glad Alexis got taken out because she'd be hard to beat now. Alexis says she feels like she came into this game a "little girl" and left it "a woman." I think she came into this game non-existent and left after making her mark with bitchfaces at Probst about cookies. And then there's Erik. Cirie says she's sorry Erik had to be the "victim" of the women. Erik says the women left in the game are vicious and he's learned a lot about women in general, like "the way they are" and "the way they operate." I think it should have opened his eyes about himself and the way he operates, which is easily fooled into making a seriously stupid decision in front of millions of television viewers. This has nothing to do with women and everything to do with being a sap. Learn from this, Erik. And finally, there's Natalie, who the ladies acknowledge was the last "Fan" standing. Natalie girl-powers that, "given an opportunity to think," a woman will always out-think a man, "hands down, every time." Oh really? What if the woman is, say, Wendy the Retard from the Howard Stern show and the man is Stephen Hawking? That's why we don't use words like "always," Nat. Also, Natalie tells us that she's her own biggest fan. Well, she's certainly a bigger fan of herself than I am, so I'll give her that.
The walk is finally done, so the ladies take all of the torches to the Exile Island lifeguard tower and light it on fire. They stand on the beach and watch it burn down. I'm sure that's doing wonders for Micronesia's air quality.
The girls row up to a beach, where they are greeted by Probst. He takes the necklace back and explains the challenge. Each player has a long wooden cylinder that has been cut into pieces. In the middle of the cylinder is a block with a groove in it, in which rests a metal ball. "Ding!" says the metal ball. Each player will use handles positioned on each end of the cylinder to lift it in the air. For the first round they'll just be lifting the middle piece with the metal ball. Every five minutes, they'll lower the cylinder to the holder and add more pieces to it. The more pieces you add, the harder it will be to keep it together. So the challenge will require really steady hands, focus, and the strength to squeeze those handles sideways to provide the force necessary to keep the whole cylinder together. It's a pretty cool challenge. The last player not to drop her metal ball is the winner. Probst there will also be a five-second countdown before each round starts for the players to lift their cylinders and get their bearings. If they should drop the cylinder during that time, they will not be out of the game, and the countdown will start over. The first two rounds pass uneventfully. I think the hardest part of this challenge is not keeping focus or having the strength to squeeze the cylinder together, but being able to tune Probst out as he natters on about how hard this challenge is and how much focus is required. In the third round, Cirie breaks her concentration to look over at Parvati. As soon as she does this, Parvati loses her shit, drops the cylinder, and is out of the challenge. Even while focusing on winning the challenge, Cirie's mind control is so strong that she can will her opponents to quit. She's just that awesome.
Parvati takes a seat. The round ends, and Cirie's cylinder falls apart as she's setting it back down. She looks worried. Amanda looks cool. Uh oh. They add pieces, and Probst counts down. Suddenly, Cirie's cylinder falls apart! Oh nooo!!! But since it happened while Probst was counting, she's not out -- yet. Probst warns Cirie to be more careful, like she doesn't know that. The round begins again, and I see Amanda is going with the underhand grip this time around while Cirie sticks with the overhand grip. I'm not sure whose strategy is smarter; Amanda is taking a risk by going with a way to hold it that's untested. But she's also going to save her overhand strength for the and final round, which will last as long as the women are in the game. So having as much strength as possibly for that is a good idea. Both women make it to the final round. They add their last pieces, and this round will go until someone drops her ball. Please let it be Amanda! She returns to her overhand grip and we begin. Amanda appears to be struggling; her cylinder is all uneven and her ball is rolling around dangerously. But it's Cirie who drops the ball. No!!!! Probst proclaims Amanda the winner and all three women hug. Amanda takes her necklace and Probst says she'll get to decide who to go against in front of the jury -- by voting either Parvati or Cirie out. Amanda doesn't look thrilled about this. "Have a fun afternoon!" Probst taunts.
The ladies return to camp and Gloria is still there. Stupid chicken. Amanda tells us that tonight she'll have to make the hardest decision she's had to make during this entire game. If I'm not mistaken, it is also the only decision she's had to make in the entire game. Better late than never! Cirie tells Parvati she doesn't know how she lost the challenge. She must have blinked and lost her concentration. Parvati says Amanda was "in the zone." "She's a closer, that one," Parvati says. Yes, if by "closer" you mean "closer to second place than first." Cirie tells us that she really thought she was going to win that challenge, based on her surgical nursing experience where she's had to hold things steady for long periods of time, knowing that the patient could die if she let go. Hmm. I'm starting to think that Cirie isn't very good at being a nurse. Not only was she on the season with the most injuries, but she also was perfectly happy when those injuries happened. As Parvati walks off to talk to Amanda, Cirie says that with Amanda and Parvati being so buddy-buddy, she's sure that she'll be going home tonight. Well, yeah, but it has nothing to do with their friendship, Cirie -- you're just a lot harder, if not impossible, to beat against a jury. Don't take it personally.
Parvati and Amanda pack up the cave. Amanda says she feels sick to her stomach because she has to decide who to keep and who to send to the jury. "That sucks!" she says. Except for the fact that it's awesome since it's your best chance to win a million dollars. Parvati says she's sure Cirie will understand being voted out. Damn, that's confidence. She snuggles up to Amanda and says they can work on their jury speeches and stuff together tomorrow. What fun! Whee!!! Oh, and then Parvati stupidly says that there's no way Cirie would have won against a jury. "She pissed way more people off than I did," Parvati says while a lightbulb might -- just might -- go off in Amanda's head. "Yeah, actually, huh?" Amanda says. And Cirie still has a chance!
Amanda talks to Cirie and asks her what she should go by when making her decision tonight. Parvati skulks around in the bushes nearby, just like she got so angry at Eliza for doing. Cirie helpfully and with no self-interest whatsoever tells Amanda that she thinks her best shot against the jury is to take Cirie instead of Parvati, because Cirie was the one who did "most of the talking" when orchestrating all of their blindsides. Most of the thinking, too. "I just feel like you're one of those people who talk their way in or out of anything you want," Amanda says. Oh, shit. Someone finally realized that Cirie wields such great power over people's minds. She's a goner now. Cirie says she can't talk to people who don't want to listen, and she doubts the jury will want to hear anything she has to say. Amanda agrees with this, but tells us that while Cirie has probably pissed off more people than Parvati (which I still don't agree with, by the way), she can convince anyone to do anything, so she can probably convince the jury to give her a million dollars, too. Let's hope Cirie can also convince Amanda to vote Parvati out, but otherwise I think this should be an easy decision for Amanda. As much as I love Cirie, Amanda should vote her out. She should beat Parvati easily.
The ladies enter tribal council and the jury comes in. Amanda is already in tears when Probst starts the proceedings. She says winning immunity was both a blessing and a curse. Um, mostly a blessing, though. I mean, come on. The jury seems to agree with me, as they all roll their eyes at Amanda's problems. It's probably not a good idea to talk about what a hard time you're having in making a potentially game-winning decision in front of the people you helped take out of said game, Amanda. Probst asks Cirie if she "buys" that Amanda is having a hard time with this. Cirie says she does, since they all thought it would be the three of them until the end and never planned for this to happen. Parvati says she doesn't envy Amanda's decision right now. She sure doesn't! Parvati said in a post-show interview that she purposely lost the last challenge because she knew no matter who won, they'd take her with them to the jury, and this way she'd probably win a vote from the person the immunity winner voted out. So, if that's true, she's loving every minute of Amanda being the bad guy. Probst asks Amanda what the risks are if she brings Parvati or Cirie to the end. Amanda says that Cirie is a great talker and can convince anyone to do anything. But Parvati has played a social game and has personal relationships with several jury members. Yes ... but most of them are BAD. Like Ozzy and James, who totally hate her now. And Eliza can't be a big fan of her, either. Probst wants blood, so he demands that Amanda tells us how it feels to be so happy to make it to the Final Two, but at the same time there's the incredible pain of having to choose which alliance mate to vote out. Amanda sobs and Parvati and Cirie rush to comfort her while Eliza rolls her eyes a million times. Amanda says this is a lose-lose situation, because no matter who she votes for tonight, she's going to hurt someone's feelings. Meanwhile, the rest of the jury is disgusted with her, because it's not like she cried over hurting any of their feelings. Probst says Amanda is the only person voting tonight, and she'd better choose wisely if she wants to win a million dollars. It'd be kind of awesome if Amanda gave away her immunity necklace right now, but she doesn't.
Amanda swims through the river of her tears to get to the voting booth. Probst goes to collect the vote. I'm crossing my fingers and hoping against hope it's Parvati going home tonight. Probst takes out the vote, and it's for ... Cirie. Damn! Damn!!! Cirie hugs the girls and says it's okay. But it's not! If Cirie had known this would come down to the Final Two, she would have planned for it and she'd be there! But the producers totally fucked her over. They couldn't get the players to fuck Cirie over, so they had to do it themselves. I really hope the jury votes for a tie and breaks the entire game now. Stupid Final Two. Stupid eight member jury! Probst snuffs Cirie's torch and she goes. While Amanda is grief-stricken, Parvati is smiling. Probst says Parvati and Amanda have gone as far as they can in this game. Now it's time for the jury to decide.
And in her final speech, Cirie says she's come up just short again, and tearfully tells her family that she's sorry she failed, but she tried her hardest. "It just wasn't meant to be," she says. Awww, no! Don't cry, Cirie! You know who's crying right now? Me, because I have all this show left to recap and no one to cheer for. I mean, Parvati clearly played a better game than Amanda and deserves to win because of that, I guess. But she was a bitch to Eliza and I don't like her. Sigh.
The morning, Amanda and Parvati are happy to be going home tonight and leaving this freaking game already. Amanda says she was really happy when she woke up this morning, so I guess she dried her tears over voting Cirie out pretty quickly. Parvati says she's really, really happy and feels like her (or Cirie's) hard work all game has finally paid off. Parvati and Amanda run screaming to the treemail to get their challenge feast. They pat themselves on the back for getting so far and going through so much successfully and masterfully. Amanda says she's spent two and a half of the last six months living in the jungle, so she's pretty awesome and thinks she can do anything. I'll give her that. Amanda says that she and Parvati have played this game very different ways; while Amanda stayed loyal to her alliances, Parvati did whatever she could to win and screwed everyone over, which means the jury doesn't like her very much -- which is good for Amanda. Amanda should also recognize that, were it not for Parvati's lying and scheming, Amanda wouldn't be in this game right now, either. Parvati says she feels relaxed going into tribal council tonight and she thinks she played this game as well as she could and stayed true to herself. By tanning instead of looking for an immunity idol on Exile Island, by the way. Does that mean that, if her house was on fire and a firefighter came over with a guaranteed route to safety, she'd turn that down in favor of getting a nice, even tan from the flames? Speaking of flames, the girls burn down the shelter. Parvati says her game was aggressive and cutthroat, much more so than Amanda's. And tonight, she's going to tell the jury that she played this game to win, own that and hope for respect votes. Too bad the jury is full of bitter assholes! But good luck, Parv! Amanda and Parvati stir the pot one last time as their shelter burns down. Amanda tells us she's prepared for Parvati to continue playing her cutthroat game in front of the jury and probably throw Amanda under the bus. And if she does that, Amanda will throw her right back. She thinks the key to winning votes tonight is emphasizing how she stayed loyal and true. Um, except for the time when she promised Jason she wouldn't vote him out if he stepped down from the challenge and then did. That wasn't very honest. And Parvati stuck to her word to Jason, albeit not to do him any favors. Unfortunately, Jason is stupid so he might not remember any of this. "May the best woman win," Amanda says as they row to tribal council.
And here we go! The ladies arrive and the jury enters. Cirie is looking radiant, as usual! Probst congratulates the girls for making it this far and welcomes them to the last tribal council, where the jury will now have all the power.
Amanda's opening statement is that she came into this game wanting to be loyal and fight until the end. And she's proud of how she played and thanks everyone for their help in getting her to the end. Um ... oh. You know, I'm starting to think that Amanda doesn't do so well in front of a jury.
Parvati, on the other hand, knows exactly what she's doing and says she wanted to be more than just the flirt from Cook Islands. James crosses his arms and looks angry. Parvati continues that she wanted to play differently, aggressively, and beat her competition before it beat her. She points to Ozzy and says he gave her a "serious run for [her] money." Ozzy is not amused. Dick. I don't even want to see whatever stupid bitter asshole speech he's planning to make. Parvati says she made bold power plays and had a great group of women behind her to help pull off some of the greatest blindsides in the history of the show.
And now it's time for the jury to speak. Eliza goes first. Her speech sounds very rehearsed and one wonders if she brought notecards to assist her. She congratulates both finalists on a very strategic game and says she has no idea who she's voting for tonight. While she really respected Parvati's move in taking out Ozzy, she cannot respect the twenty-four days she spent with Parvati where Parvati did plenty of mean stuff to her that had nothing to do with strategic game-playing. She was just plain mean to Eliza for the sake of being mean. Yeah ... you should've kept your big mouth shut, Parvati, because you might have just talked your way out of a jury vote. Eliza thinks Parvati is a "mean person" and she will have a hard time voting for her. But then there's Amanda. Listening to Amanda talk, Eliza says, made her want to kill herself. Whaaa? Where did that come from? I had to listen to Amanda talk and I felt fine. Eliza doesn't know if she can vote for someone who is "so superficial." Wow. Amanda must have been really hard for Eliza to take if she's considering voting for Parvati instead of her. Eliza says she'll be listening hard to what both of them have to say. She wants to see genuineness and honesty, and her vote is theirs to win.
Jason is . He asks Amanda if she would have told Ozzy he was being voted out if she had known about it. Amanda says she would have, no doubt. And on one hand, that's not very good gameplay. On the other, it makes her look like a loyal and true friend deserving of all that money. Jason says he has "misconceptions" about Parvati that she is devious and manipulative, so he wants to know what her redeeming qualities in the game were. Parvati says she was "protective" of her alliance with Cirie and Amanda and was loyal to them both all the way until the end. Also, she set Gloria the chicken free, which makes her an animal lover. Jason gets a laugh out of this. "Is that good enough?" Parvati asks Jason. He says it is, and wishes them both luck. Good for him; he could have been a lot more bitter.
Alexis is . She says she likes to work with "young girls" and wants to know what makes Parvati a better role model for young girls than Amanda. Parvati does a pretty good job answering this question, I must say. I mean, if I were her I wouldn't be able to think of anything that made me someone that a young girl should admire, but she says that she is outspoken and independent, and doesn't like it when people do things for her. Um ... what? Isn't this the woman who told Natalie to go back into real life and ask people for things? She says Amanda tends to "go along with the flow," while Parvati puts herself out there and makes bold moves. "I didn't see much of that from Amanda," she says. Alexis compliments Amanda's Oscar-award-winning performances at tribal council, and says she laughed her ass off when Amanda pretended to be upset to send Cirie home. Yet again, I am surprised by the dislike jury members have for Amanda. Alexis asks what part of Amanda's game, if any, has been genuine. Amanda says she was genuine at every tribal council (um, except for the one that ended up being Alexis' last ... ), and she definitely was last night. She says she wasn't trying to get sympathy votes by doing that, and she doesn't want them now. Are you sure about that Amanda? Because they might be your only chance at this point.
Natalie goes and tells the finalists they have her respect -- "woman to woman." God, shut up about women. If a bunch of men had made it to the end and talked about how awesome it was to be rid of the annoying women and how men will always outthink women, we'd all hate them. It's slightly different the other way around, mostly because women usually don't get as much credit in this game as they probably should so it's nice when they do, but still. Anyway, Natalie asks Parvati...okay, I don't know what she asked Parvati. I think it was for sex advice? She said something about Parvati's bedroom strategy. Probst has the greatest "what the fuck is this nonsense?" look on his face. James says he's confused while Erik puts his head in his hands, more embarrassed for Natalie than she ever was for him. Probst scolds the jury to quiet down and asks Parvati if she knows what Natalie is asking. "Um..." Parvati says. Natalie asks again, saying that Parvati is a flirt, and even flirted with Natalie on several occasions, not that Natalie is complaining. "You're sexy," Parvati says. Um ... is Natalie trying to get a date? What is it about these all-girl alliances that seems to turn them all into lesbians? Natalie asks Parvati how her flirtatiousness on the show is reflected in her intimate life. I still don't know what she's asking. This is stupid. Parvati attempts to answer, saying that flirtatiousness is big part of her personality and it gets her what she wants, both on Survivor and in real life, and she'll flirt with both girls and guys to get her way. But I thought part of her great role model for girls was that she got what she wanted for herself.
I don't want young girls to be confused by this, so I'll give the ones who might be reading a life lesson from me to them: flirting can get you almost anything you want -- except respect. I worked with this girl who flirted all the time. We were the only two women in the office, and she had all the men bringing her chocolate, giving her back rubs, killing any bugs that wandered near her, and whatever else. And I thought she had it made, until I realized that they had no respect for her. They knew exactly what game she was playing and when she wasn't around, they'd all talk about it. I mean, this girl graduated from Harvard and everyone thought she was stupid. Flirting might get you somewhere in life and maybe even a million dollars, but it shuts a lot of other doors that you might want open. Natalie then comes on to Amanda, calling her a beautiful and strong woman. And here's where things get ugly, as she then says that Amanda always had a "glazed over" look on her face and wants to know if that was real or it was her strategy to play a stupid-zombie-pretty-girl-pageant-queen cliché. This from a woman with fake boobs! I guess Amanda really ticked people off, although I don't know what she did to earn such vitriol. For how stupid and superficial people are saying she is, she played the immunity idol beautifully and intelligently, which no one else seemed to be able to do. I guess she was just vapid and annoying around camp. Amanda answers that it was neither. It wasn't her strategy to play dumb and she's not dumb in real life. She thinks she's a strong woman who has substance and she's made intelligent, strategic decisions here. Eliza looks dubious. Amanda continues that she came into this game "to compete with the guys" and she doesn't want anything given to her.
And now, Erik. He probably has more of a right to tear the girls a new one with a bitter jury hate speech than anyone else, but he doesn't. He says five or six days ago he would have voted for Amanda without question. He respected her and sees her "as a big sister ... or a cousin." Why the "cousin?" Is it because that makes his crush on her slightly less icky? But now Erik feels burned by her after not one, but two tribal councils where she ripped him apart. And he wants to know what makes her think she had the right to judge him like that. Amanda says everything she said about Erik in tribal council was the truth. Erik was "unloyal" to Amanda, she claims. Okay, so, not only is "unloyal" not a word, but Amanda also needs to be saying something about how she only did that for strategic purposes and didn't mean it and is sorry but that's the game or something like that, because this isn't the way to win Erik over. Even if you think you were in the right in that situation and he was in the wrong, he obviously thinks otherwise, so you need humble yourself and admit to whatever you think he wants you to. "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, but -- " she says. Erik points out that Amanda once told him that it's too late for sorry, so it's kind of disgusting that she's saying sorry to him now. "I really don't buy that at all," he says. Amanda makes a sad face. And with that, Erik is finished. He doesn't have anything to say to Parvati.
James is . He says he isn't going to be difficult here because it's obvious that Amanda has his vote. As for Parvati, she voted Ozzy out and then the day she tried to "fluff" James. I assumed he was talking about fluffing in the porn sense, but I think he just means that Parvati gave him a bunch of bullshit the day after she voted Ozzy out. So now he wants her to say what she really wanted to say to him. I can't believe he didn't mention apples in this speech. Must be all those antibiotics. Anyway, Parvati gives James what he wants to hear: "Ha ha, I got you sucka! What?" And that is what he wanted to hear, so I don't know why James says that isn't good enough; he wants her "ha ha" to be an honest one. Why should Parvati even bother playing his game when they both know there's no way to win his vote? Parvati says that this is a game, and she felt like she had no chance to win it if she stuck with James and Ozzy. So when she could make the moves, she did. And it gave her control, which was what she wanted. "You finished?" James says all condescendingly. Whatever, James. I actually liked Parvati's answer and thought it was honest. Maybe it helped her win a few jury votes, too, if not yours. And you still walk like you have a dump in your pants.
Here's Cirie! She congratulates the girls and asks Amanda why, as the person who made the decision to keep Parvati and boot Cirie, does Parvati deserve the million dollars more than Cirie does. Okay, I'm sorry, Cirie, but you're wrong. That's not why Amanda made that decision. She made it because she thought she deserved the million dollars over you and Parvati, and that was the best decision to make in order to achieve that goal. But Amanda is an IDIOT, so she says that she respected Parvati's aggressive, bold game while Parvati tries not to smile in delight at how Amanda is basically handing her the million with answers like these. Cirie asks if this means that Amanda didn't respect Cirie's game. Yeah, oops. Amanda says she respects Cirie's game too, but she thought Parvati made "bolder" decisions than Cirie did and that Parvati was the "powerhouse" in making those decisions happen. Wow. Way to tell the jury how awesome Parvati is and piss Cirie off at the same time, Amanda. Don't beauty queens train to be able to answer questions and stuff? How could she suck so bad at this? Cirie asks Parvati why Cirie should be in the Final Two instead of her. This is clearly an ego-stroking question, as was the other one, and unlike Amanda, Parvati offers up the ego-stroking answer Cirie wants to hear. She says Cirie played a brilliant game, if a low-key one. And she's a mother of three while Parvati has no children, and therefore deserves the money to support them.
And now it's time for Ozzy, the big giant baby. Ozzy says he's the "biggest idiot" up there and truly, personally hurt by what Parvati did to him. He feels like she put a price on their friendship. "You threw us away!" he drama queens. And he gets even more emotional as he says that there's no way she's a role model to any of Alexis' girls if she can throw a friendship away like that. Okay, yeah, but -- it's a friendship with an asshole. I don't think Alexis' girls should be friends with assholes. Parvati for role model of the year! Ozzy says he doesn't want any words from Parvati, so she doesn't give him any. Ozzy says that the hardest part was that Parvati took away fourteen days that he could have spent with Amanda. He slaps himself dramatically and takes a deep breath before addressing Amanda. He says that he was never playing Amanda or lying about his feelings for her. And he thinks he's in love with her. I think he's in love with camera time. He wants everyone on the jury to know what a great person she is, and he's glad he lost Cook Islands because it let him be on this show and meet her. He sits back down and smiles at her. She smiles back. Aww, young, dumb love. Probst claims this was an interesting final tribal council and now it's time to the vote. He gives them a minute to think about their vote, and we go to commercial off of Ozzy's stupid face, just like he wanted us to.
After the commercial, Probst reminds everyone that the name they're writing down tonight will be the winner. We see a shot of Jason and remember why Probst needs to remind everyone of simple facts like these. And now, it's time to vote. We don't see Cirie's vote. I'm surprised that Erik votes for Amanda, saying he's willing to forgive and forget if she is. I think you have a lot more to forgive and forget than she does, kid. "You played a good game," he finishes. Aww, I like Erik. I feel bad that he has to be in the Survivor Hall of Fame for the Dumbest Move Ever. Jason thinks for a while, probably trying to remember how to write letters. Cause he's dumb. Alexis votes for Parvati with an "I <3 Parv" and says she deserves the money and will do "amazing things" with it. Keep dreaming, Alexis! Natalie also votes for Parvati, and we see that she wrote "Rock on, sister!" on her vote. I'm surprised she didn't put her digits on there as well. Of course, Ozzy votes for Amanda, saying he hopes to God that she wins, as she deserves the money "a million times more" than Parvati and he loves her. James steps up and votes; we don't see for who. And last but certainly not least, we have Eliza. She steps up to the table, but doesn't pick up the pen. Instead, she stands there and agonizes over her decision in several shots that make it appear as though much time is passing. Oh, Eliza; mugging until the end! Love you! Outside the voting booth, everyone's wondering if Eliza, like, fell in or something. Even Probst is getting impatient, shifting from side to side. FINALLY, she votes. And after all that suspense, we don't get to see who for.
Probst grabs the urn, thanks Amanda, Parvati and the jury for a great season, and leaves. The jury applauds. Parvati and Amanda hug. Probst walks away. Please let him do a ridiculous traveling montage! It was my favorite. They haven't done it in a long time, have they? Oh, for the days of Probst on a jet-ski while an animated map of the world shows his route back to the US!
Ah, but no. We just go to New York City, where Parvati and Amanda are both wearing way too much make-up. Especially Amanda. She looked better on the island. Go natural, Amanda! The Survivor random flute band plays as Probst walks in with the urn. Oh, Probst, what happened? You look like a mess. I don't think he's washed or cut his hair since he left the tribal council. The crowd goes wild until Probst has to tell them to sit down and shut up so we can do this thing. Probst welcomes Parvati, Amanda and the jury and says that "word on the street" is that this was the best season since the first one. Do you think Probst goes around quizzing the people on the street about Survivor? I kinda do, actually. Anyway, it may well be the best season since the first one, but it definitely won't have the best winner in my opinion. That person is sitting on the jury in third place. Hmph. Parvati reacts to the news by pursing her lips and Probst opens the urn to read the votes.
The first vote is Alexis' vote for Parvati. The second is Erik's for Amanda. The crowd goes wild at this, so either Amanda stacked the audience with her family or I have yet again missed the boat on what America wants in a Survivor winner. Parvati gets a second vote. Amanda gets a second vote. And now it's time for the votes we didn't see on the show. Parvati gets a third vote, complete with a drawing of what appears to be one stick figure stabbing another one in the back. A third vote for Amanda ties it up again. The seventh vote is for Parvati, which means that it's either a tie or she won. I hope it is a tie, just to make it complicated for the producers and mess everything up, because this is what happens when you change plans in the middle of the game and create an eight-person jury. But the eighth vote is for Parvati, giving her five to Amanda's three. Parvati wins! She's in shock and breathlessly thanks the jury. This is the most genuine we've seen Parvati all season. Amanda tells Parvati, "You just won a million dollars!" More like you just lost a million dollars, Amanda. AGAIN. Oh well -- two second-place finishes in a row is nothing to sneeze at, either. Parvati stands up and Eliza runs towards her and they hug and Eliza says "I loved you, I voted for you!" Man, Amanda must have really sucked it at the final tribal council for Eliza to swallow her pride and her hurt feelings like that. And now I guess they're friends?
Parvati runs off the stage to her family and hugs them and we see Parvati's hometown at their mandatory viewing party going wild for her victory. And despite not really wanting Parvati to win at all, I can't say I'm too disappointed. Of the two finalists, she probably played this game a lot harder and a lot better. I did enjoy the hell out of Amanda's move with the immunity idol, though. I guess I wouldn't have minded either of them winning. As the rest of the cast take the stage, Probst says this was a record-breaking season, and we'll discuss it all at the reunion up . See you there!
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me, which she occasionally updates when she's bored at work. Or you can try your luck emailing her at saramorrison@gmail.com with news that some Nigerian king died and she stands to gain ten percent of his fortune if she hands over her bank account info.