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At the reward challenge, Jonathan heroically drags around his bum leg, insisting it's getting better when it clearly isn't. After Airai takes the reward -- which is having locals come and help you figure out how to live in their environment and not die -- Probst brings in medical to take a look at the knee. The doctor opens up the bandage to see that Jonathan's puncture wound, inexplicably allowed to happen in a challenge where pointy things were mixed with dragging, is not healing. On the contrary, it's got a raging infection going, which she gets him to admit seems to be working its way up to his lymph nodes. She can't force him to do anything, but she urges him in the strongest language she can muster to leave the game so he can be admitted to the hospital for IV antibiotics and surgical work to clean out the wound. Jonathan resists at first, but she tells him that the infection isn't far from becoming entirely systemic and thus life-threatening. "What can you do?" Probst asks sympathetically, and Jonathan weepily gives in. He leaves his friends, he leaves his beloved game, and he takes a dignified but very difficult exit. Poor baby. Fortunately, Probst later gives the news that Jonathan did well once he made it into the arms of real doctors, and if you're sitting around thinking that the real villain here is whoever designed that idiotic challenge in the first place, then you and I are on the same page.
The immunity challenge brings James an opportunity to use all that strength for something, as he short-circuits a two-pole balancing challenge by just muscling Eliza, and then Parvati, across the course with one of the poles. It's complicated; you'd have to see it. Anyway, Airai wins again, and Malakal is faced with sending someone home. The obvious target is Chet, but Ami is kind of annoyed with Cirie's continuing arrogance toward the fans (similar to Cirie's earlier arrogance toward Jonathan, and supporting the Cirie-has-read-her-own-press theory), to the point where she's willing to align with Erik, Tracy, and Chet to vote out Cirie. Or Ozzy, who is the other possibility. Unfortunately, Chet decides that he's had enough. He has an infected foot, but really, he has a terrible case of not wanting to be there anymore, and he takes a powder, providing Cirie with an incredible stroke of luck she will undoubtedly never acknowledge. So Chet goes home, and the Pagonging of the fans begins.
Okay, but what's great? Is that earlier in the episode, Jason and Chet go to Exile Island, and Jason finds the idiotically obvious fake idol that Ozzy made -- which is literally nothing but a stick with eyes and a mouth carved in it -- and he decides it's real, just like Ozzy hoped. So that's going to pay off down the line. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Ozzy's #1 Lesson On Both Kissing And Subterfuge-itudinal Whittling: Subtlety Is Overrated: Ozzy found himself a hidden immunity idol, and he made a little fake one to put in its place. Hey, it looked like he learned some things from Yau-Man, even if none of them were "keep Yau-Man around." Ozzy decided to share the news with his "four-clique," as Amanda barfily put it while doing a little dance we'll call "The Wax-On Wax-Off Modified Push-It." (It's too bad there's no obvious, well-established name for a group of people who are allied with each other, or we might not be learning the unfortunate fact that Amanda is one of those weird people who uses "clique" to refer to a group she's actually part of.) Unfortunately for the Four-Sex Mafia, things got tricky when Jeff brought out a tribal mix-up that no one except a person who had watched the show before could possibly have predicted.
While the scramble left Ozzy with Amanda, it split the two of them from BFFs James and Parvati. So now, it's just a couple of sad little two-cliques. The new Malakal included Ozzy, Amanda, Ami, Cirie, Joel, Erik, Tracy, and Chet; the new Airai included Natalie, Jason, Kathy, Alexis, James, Parvati, Eliza, and Jonathan. An asinine challenge, based on the book The Marquis de Sade's Outdoor Games For Fun And Bleeding, forced people to drag each other around in a woodsy area full of muddy brush. Jonathan took a predictable sharp stick to the leg, resulting in a very ugly puncture wound that was stitched up as some of us lay on the floor or breathed into paper bags to keep ourselves from passing out, because: there is a hole...in...his...leg. Airai won the challenge, and it looked like Chet was not long for this world. But Cirie talked the rest of the old-timers into throwing in with Chet and Tracy to bounce Joel instead. (My favorite part of the previouslys is where Jeff says, "Joel came up with a plan," and the tricky plan was to boot Chet, the most pitiable patsy to come along since Not Me was tracking mud all over the Family Circus house.) The other weird thing is that Jeff says "the Favorites used Tracy and Chet," where my impression is that this is what Tracy wanted to do for herself. I don't think anybody "uses" Tracy for much of anything; Tracy was looking out for number one, and she knew exactly what she was doing. It's not like Joel was otherwise going to be Tracy and Chet's ally. Fifteen left: who's ?
Malakal, Night 14, after tribal council. Erik comments to the group on Joel's unemotional exit (followed, undoubtedly, by Joel's destruction of his Loser Lodge furniture and his spraying of his own spittle all over the walls), but saves for the camera his opinion that he felt "shafted" and is beginning to think these people are just a bunch of snakes. Snakes, I say! "They're tanks; I mean, they have armor on!" he says, as we watch Amanda snooze with her hand possessively splayed over Ozzy's pec. Ozzy's armor is made of girl hand! Erik says that "the playing field has been lowered to just lying and tricking people straight to their face." It's really funny how you can say the playing field has been leveled, and that makes sense, but the idea of the playing field being lowered brings to mind images of pulleys and hydraulic jacks and kind of becomes senseless. Furthermore, did they not tell us these people were, like, big fans of the show? Is there any excuse for being so surprised that people will, like, do secret things to make themselves win? I think there is not. For someone in his line of work, Erik seems awfully late when it comes to getting the scoop.
I am very sorry.
Credits! Oh, Jonathan Penner, you dreamboat. You dreamboat. I will miss you most of all.
When we return, the music really, really sounds like a woman is moaning, "Come ooooon, baaaaabe," and I begin wondering whether subliminal messages are embedded in the vocalizing that always accompanies these openers. (I'm sure that somewhere, the internet has already thought of this and believes it already knows who wins on precisely this basis, because in seasons where a man wins, there are more sustained vowels sung, and in seasons where a person with a water sign wins, there are more diphthongs, and so forth.) We are at Malakal, where Ozzy is predictably fishing, while Amanda and Ami frolic in the water and beg Cirie to "come play with us." Elsewhere, Chet tells Tracy unhappily that he knows the Favorites needed them to get rid of Joel last night, and Tracy says that it doesn't hurt them any being down four to three favorites-fans as a result of Joel's departure, because "Joel was flopping anyway." Which: word. "I'm going to go with it," she shrugs, because what can she do? Sit around and be embittered? I mean, that would be traditional. She interviews along these lines that Joel was "hell-bent on getting rid of Chet," leaving her alone, so she got rid of Joel first. Not ideal if you assume all the "fans" were natural allies, but they obviously weren't, so it didn't really matter. "I didn't come this far in the game to bend over," she tells Chet and Erik. You know, it really must be mentioned that Tracy's giant nipples are really, really distracting. I'm only going to say it this once -- probably -- but the combination of her swimsuit and just...how really freaking prominent her nips are makes it really difficult to look her in the eye when she talks. I like you, but I don't need to know where you're storing your emergency jellybeans in case of low blood sugar, lady.
Hey, it's a shot of a spider catching an insect in its web. What could this mean? Let's all put our heads together and see if we can crack the code. The insect-capturing code. The Da-Pinchy Code.
Oh my God, I am very, very sorry.
Tracy and Erik now have a chat about how "vicious" the "favorites" are, and she tells him she thinks he's probably on the list to go. "That pisses me off," he says mildly, and it took me like ten minutes to figure out that the reason this was so hilarious to me is that his regular voice sounds exactly like my old pal Snowmobile Boy's "dumb guy" voice. Seriously, the syllable I've heard in that voice most often until now? Was "duuuuuh." Usually as part of a story about a guy who snaps his spine trying to kill a fish with a shotgun while jumping over open water in a snowmobile. It's weirdly appropriate that Erik is chewing with his mouth open the whole time. Anyway, Tracy goes on to tell Erik that he's not going to be brought along with these other people, so they have to get a "favorite" to vote with them if they want to save themselves from an inevitable Pagonging.
Somewhere else, Ozzy is futzing around with the chicken feed, and Cirie asks him what he's doing. He tells her he's removing the oyster shells. Chicken feed includes oyster shells? Where have I been? What good are oyster-shell fragments to a chicken? (Yes, that does sound kind of like something that would be in a patter song in Big River. "How 'bout a hand for the hen!") And then Amanda says something about how Ozzy looks like a chicken farmer, and I have no idea whether this is supposed to look like endearing couple-banter or like almost supernaturally banal small talk taking place between a couple of heads of cabbage. (It's the second one, for me. In case you couldn't tell.) I totally don't get how Ozzy is getting away with wearing that enormous hat -- under which he held the idol at one point and maybe will again -- which looks like it's on the front cover of a Dr. Seuss book called What's That In My Hat?. Don't any of these people have any natural curiosity?
Ami takes a little walk with Tracy. It's fairly clear that Ami doesn't feel any particular alliance to Ozzy, Amanda, or Cirie, so she's a free agent at this point -- remember, her original alliance was with Yau-Man, Jonathan, and Eliza. It appears that Cirie and company are taking Ami completely for granted, which isn't that surprising, but is very, very stupid. Ami is precisely the kind of person to do something that sort of makes no sense just to draw attention to herself, as she did when she voted for Twila over Chris in the final vote in Vanuatu. She's exactly the person you'd expect to make this exact move -- "You people are bad, and you're acting wrong, so I'm going to go with these good people instead." As Ami and Tracy talk, it seems like they also sort of bond over being women who see themselves as bad-asses, and Ami explains the need for courage by telling Tracy that you can't turn into "poop-pants." Or maybe that should be "Poop-pants," like "Mr. Poop-pants." I really don't know whether Poop-pants is a gentleman or a state of mind. Tracy is a smart lady, as we know, and I think she remembers that Ami is all about bonding with women, because it's Tracy who wraps an arm around Ami's shoulders as they walk, all "we're sisters now," and with Ami, that's the right move, for sure. up -- say it with me -- French braids. Incidentally, note that in addition to Jonathan's knee and Parvati's lip, Ami hurt her knee badly enough in that challenge that she's still got it wrapped. That's badly done, challenge planners. You shouldn't have that kind of injury tally -- and that doesn't even count what could have happened to Jason when he went face-first into the tree, a collision in which he could easily have lost his front teeth. Exciting within the context of extreme sports is one thing; four potentially serious accidents in one challenge is idiotic and means you maybe fell down on the job; I'm just saying.
And now, over to Airai, where we go directly to a close-up of the unreasonably blue eyes of one Jonathan Penner. I'm telling you, I have never seen eyes that color in my life; it's unsettling. Well, unsettlingly awesome. James and Parvati are nearby, and James asks how the knee is. "Your knee's all right, huh?" he says hopefully. Jonathan insists that it's "feeling better," though he's not recovering as quickly as he'd hoped. James interviews that he hopes the leg will be okay, because the loss of Jonathan would be quite a blow to the team, partly just because he's "a good guy to have around." Aw, sniffle! And then James has to ruin it by saying, "I'd be stuck over here with a bunch of girls, losing my mind." Apparently, Jason counts as a girl. Maybe James goes by hair. Jonathan asks Eliza how she is, and she tells him she's very happy to be "given new life by this switch-up." He tells her that while their beach sucks, their tribe is better. Eliza interviews that she's done with "fans versus favorites," and as far as she's concerned, she and Jonathan intend to align themselves with the fans to boot off Parvati and James, and she wants to get on with it before the couples can get back together at a merge. There you go. I'm telling you, that girl is not to be trifled with. She kind of reminds me of the rugby player in The Replacements: "I'm wiry!"
Jeff welcomes everyone to the immunity challenge. As he walks to the mat, Jonathan is holding his leg straight, trying unsuccessfully not to draw attention to it. Airai learns that Joel was booted, and Alexis openly beams. In fact, just about everybody openly beams. That's gotta hurt Joel, as he's sitting at home preparing for his mastodon hunt. Jeff explains that in this challenge, each tribe will swim out and collect bundles of planks, ropes, and sticks. When they have all the stuff on shore, they'll have ten minutes to create a "blockade" inside an empty cage. So, you know, make it very hard to crawl from one end of the cage to the other by sticking stuff through it. Is this making sense? Okay. Each tribe will then have to crawl all the team members from one end of the cage (that the other tribe blockaded) to the other by tearing down and/or going around the blockade. The reward for the winner will be two native Micronesians! In a can! Just add water! Okay, not really, but that is totally how Jeff makes it sound. In reality, the two native Micronesians will come and visit the winning tribe and give them all kinds of pointers. "If you pay attention, it will change camp life," Jeff vows. He adds that the winners will also send one member of the other tribe and one member of their own tribe to go to Exile Island. Airai has to sit someone out, and after Jonathan says he thinks he can help with this one, they sit out Natalie. It makes sense; they'd much rather be able to sit him out at the immunity challenge if they need to, and for once, a tribe is actually being patient in that regard.
Ready...go! Everybody runs and swims out into the water. Everybody except Jonathan, whose leg is not in any shape to get wet, so he waits on shore. So the tribes all start dragging bundles back to shore, and as soon as Airai gets near Jonathan, he goes out to the edge of the water and starts hauling things to the mat. "Penner really limpin' on that bad leg," Jeff comments, and if you listen carefully, you can hear the edge in Jeff's voice there -- he's surprised how bad it looks, and that Jonathan can't really put weight on it at all. He probably hasn't seen the guy in a little bit; I think he was legitimately surprised that Jonathan was in this much trouble, even though he'd probably heard by now that it was serious. But there's a not-entirely-announcer-y tone in his voice; some real concern mixed with the color commentary. As Jonathan backs up, dragging a couple of heavy bundles of stuff and also dragging his stiff leg, he falls backwards onto the mat. "Penner takes a big fall," says Jeff. "That leg is really giving him trouble." And then you can hear Jonathan yell, "I'm okay!" Aw.
Malakal is first to get all its bundles to the mat. They're followed by Airai. And the blockade-building begins. And after that's been going on for ten minutes, it's time to switch and start trying to get through. At first, Malakal starts plucking out planks from the Airai blockade, and it looks like this is going to go well for Malakal. Over at Airai, there is nobody -- nobody -- working harder to yank and pull and make something good happen than Jonathan. But Ozzy, for Malakal, is first to crawl into the cage. "Penner, bad leg and all, ripping those planks out of there," Jeff says. Now, Airai has broken into the cage by opening up enough space at the top to crawl over most of the front part of the blockade. And then suddenly, it's like Airai sees the light of day, and they start to wiggle through, all of them. And the very last person to go through is Jonathan, who can't even use his legs for crawling, doesn't want the top of his leg to touch anything, can't bend his knee. So he's on his back, dragging himself through the cage. "Come on with your bad knee, boy," James calls encouragingly. Aw. AW! And literally, Jonathan gets out of the cage and falls onto the sand on his side, where he starts to get up and head to the mat, but his leg goes out from under him, so he scoots to the mat on his hands. That was pretty goddamn dramatic. Big hug at Airai.
First, Airai has to choose someone from Malakal to go to Exile Island. Might as well choose someone who's unlikely to care enough to go after the idol, so they choose Chet. And to go with him, they choose Jason. They'll rejoin their tribes at the immunity challenge. Jason and Chet head off in their boat, and Jeff sends Malakal back to camp empty-handed. He promises Airai that they'll meet with their guides in a bit. "Before that happens, Penner, medical's going to take a look at that knee." You can feel the sense of foreboding here; Probst knows it's bad, and Jonathan knows it's bad. He doesn't want to see the doctor, because he's afraid of what the doctor's going to say. Deep down, despite what he said this morning, I think he knows it's not getting better. But he limps off for this consult, dragging his straight, swollen leg.
So here we are at Jonathan's medical check, which is, for some reason, taking place in the middle of the woods. That part, I do not understand. I mean, they've got him sitting on a purple mat, kind of, but...come on. Is this the best you can do if we're opening up the stitches to look at them? I don't know. The doctor is a woman who's dressed like a park ranger, weirdly, complete with the walkie-talkie on her belt. The rest of Airai stands by looking tense, especially Eliza, whose eyebrows are thoroughly knitted. The doctor asks Jonathan if he has any pain in his groin. He wants to say no; you can tell he does, and he almost says it. But when she presses lightly and asks if it's a bit tender, he admits that yes, it's a little tender. So those are his lymph nodes being affected, as you well know if you are kind of a hypochondriac. And then we see the wound, which has a nasty white ooze dribbling from it, all around the stitches, and which is bright red all around. You can also see how swollen the entire knee is, and you just know that hurt like hell just walking around, let alone dragging your ass through a bamboo cage.
The doctor knows he's going to want to fight her; she's starting with an obvious tone of, "Okay, look," in her voice, like he's already protesting. She points out that there's a "big abscess" in his knee. He needs IV antibiotics. He needs surgery, pretty much immediately, just to clean out the infection he already has. "It's not going to be a quick fix," she says. And he looks around miserably and says, "Ah, God...bless it." Heh. Nice save. And now we see that Probst is sitting there, just over Jonathan's shoulder. Jonathan has an outbreak of stubbornness now, and he says, not entirely convincingly, "I'm not quittin'." The doctor can't technically make him do anything -- though the show undoubtedly can throw him out, and my guess is that they probably would have, if he'd really refused medical advice at this stage, hesitant as they'd be to deal with the horrifying publicity if a guy died of a systemic infection originating with a knee injury he suffered at a challenge they built. So she just says, "I can only recommend that you get treatment in hospital, for the sake of your knee. Antibiotics are not working at this stage. It's showing signs of spreading around your body. It's moved up into your lymph nodes. It can make you really, really sick, okay? An infection that goes into your bloodstream is potentially fatal," she says. And now you know why I badgered and badgered a friend of mine into going to Urgent Care for what literally started as a hangnail and wound up making his finger turn green. Do not fuck around with infections, y'all. Do not. I had a wee little infection of unknown origin in my eye a month or so ago (I blame the gigantic Petri dish that is the train), which made me look briefly as if I'd been punched in the face (write your own joke; you know you want to -- I'll wait), and just for that, I was on antibiotics, four times a day, for a week. They get pretty aggressively after these things these days.
Jonathan looks at the doctor, anguished. Unless I miss my guess, part of what he's thinking here is, "The thing is, if I die, my awesome wife will kick my ass." And this is where he tears up, because he knows it's over. And he can't solve it, and he can't get around it; it is what it is, and there's only one smart thing left to do, and he really, really, really doesn't want to do it. Even Parvati looks like she's about to tear up over there with the rest of the group, which is so funny, because they do not like each other. But almost like honor among thieves, nobody wants it to be like this. And Eliza looks at Alexis, whose eyes are questioning, and Eliza's eyes are depressingly certain.
"So, this isn't a case of, 'another afternoon, I'll come check you later today,'" says Jeff, who has the unenviable job of moving things forward. "I can only recommend for the sake of his leg and his life that he leave the game now. He needs hospital treatment. It's not going to get better; it will just get worse," the doctor says, with a really good mix of firmness and gentleness. Her tone does a really good job of conveying, "I know you really, really do not want to do this, and I understand, and it's awful and I don't blame you, but yes, I'm telling you that you have to, and that there are not other choices." Jonathan nods quickly and looks over at Probst. "What can you do?" Jeff asks, and this little moment passes between them, because they've had their little things, their little bitchy things, but they both love this whole thing a little irrationally, a little more than civilians comprehend.
And the answer to what Jonathan can do, of course, is nothing, so Jonathan is in tears now. "Okay. Let's go. Let's go to the hospital," Jonathan says. He looks over at the tribe and says, "Sorry, guys. Bad luck on Jonny." And it is, too. Very, very bad luck. "I had this game, too," he says ruefully, with a smile. "I saw the daylight." And of course, some of this is wishful thinking -- what might have been always looks in your mind's eye like the sunny beaches of Tahiti when you know you'll never actually see it. But it's true that he was well situated here; he and Eliza had a good plan of getting together with the four fans at Malakal. Alexis's face is all the proof you need that she likes him; Kathy's freakout that's about to happen demonstrates that she likes him...I think it would have worked, getting rid of James and Parvati. And if they continued to win challenges, they'd have a good shot at a strong entry into the merge. I mean, it's not literally "I had this game," but yes, the "saw daylight" thing, I think is fair.
So Jonathan heads over to say goodbye to his tribe. And he's in tears as he hugs Eliza, telling her, "I couldn't have done anything else." He hugs everyone else, including Kathy, who predictably falls apart all over him, because she is such a crazypants that she's spontaneously sprouting additional sections and becoming a crazyoveralls. And as he's leaving, Parvati does something really good, not very loudly, really between the two of them, because she kind of mutters it -- she says, "You just kicked ass at that last challenge." That is perfect -- that is perfect; it is just what she should do, because bullshitting that they're pals will bounce right off him, but this is what he wants, is reassurance that he contributed until the last second.
Out at the edge of the water, Jonathan climbs up onto the side of the boat as Jeff stands beside him on the beach. Jeff reaches out his hand: "Hey." Heh, Jeff didn't want to be left hanging, though that would have been funny. Jonathan turns around and offers his hand. Both of them, actually. "Hate to see you go, man," Jeff says. "Pleasure." And Jonathan says, "Pleasure is mine," I think, and they have shared a moment, but mostly, he just wants to get on the boat. It's time. Accompanied by the doctor, he crawls inside. Now, he cries for real. And then he's outside, on the boat but in the sun, explaining that while he didn't want to leave, he doesn't want to lose his leg. (Or die, presumably.) "I couldn't have tried any better," he says. "I couldn't have fought any harder. It was fun while it lasted." And the boat takes him out.
It's so funny, because what I've always admired about Jonathan is his understanding that this is a game; that it's not your life. No villains in Monopoly. He knows he'll be fine; he knows the wife and the kids and the work are more important than playing Survivor. But look how he's struggling anyway. And look how important it is to him to reassure himself that he tried as hard as he could. That's why his emphasis while he's leaving isn't really on how sad he is; it's on repeating that he did everything he possibly could to stay in the game. It's interesting how important that feeling is to him, I think. That he just wants everybody to know he really, honestly, truly tried as hard as he could not to quit; not to have to quit. This is the difference between natural quitters and natural fighters like Jonathan, I think. Natural fighters, if they're smart, still know when to quit -- when your leg is about to fall off is a good example. But they hate it, and they worry and blame themselves, kind of. I'm not sure why I found this exit so much more compelling than the other medical departures, other than the fact that I have so much affection for him, but I think it's related to how much fun he was having, and how much he really relished being there, and how random and idiotic his injury was. This isn't fire ants or freakishly falling into the fire. This should not have happened. Nobody should be dragging each other around a challenge course that could even potentially have sharp objects in it. In the middle of the woods! Absolutely insane. This never should have happened, but it's his leg that's at stake, you know? You can't stand around arguing about whose fault it is or how unfair it is while your temperature hits 105 and you keel over.
I will miss you, bub.
When we come back from commercials, the Jonathan-less Airai is returning to camp, happy about the impending arrival of their native Micronesians but still bummed about Jonathan. James, of course, puts his sadness over Jonathan's departure in terms of how much he does not want to hang around with a bunch of girls. "I'm not that persuasive in a verbal manner to woo people on my side, and they are," he says. I'm not sure I entirely get that, but I think it means "girls are crafty." He tells us that he thinks he'll be okay if he makes the merge, but he adds with a laugh that the odds of that do not look excellent right now.
A boat paddles up, and -- hey! It's Joe and Edwin! Joe and Edwin visited the tribe in Palau right after the sort-of-merge and taught them how to fish! Remember when Coby got all pissy because Ian and Tom and Gregg didn't take him fishing? Remember how stupid that was? That was Joe and Edwin! Remember that time the tribe had a party, and Tom drank rum straight from the bottle until he couldn't stand up? That was Joe and Edwin! Joe and Edwin bring fishing, petty conflicts, and drunkenness! Joe and Edwin! They've brought a bunch of food with them, but as Eliza explains, they've also brought a bunch of other stuff, including an extra machete and a couple of knives. So this is working out well. Parvati asks if Joe is married, and he says he is. "That's okay; we can still hang out," she says. I have no idea why I found that kind of funny and endearing, but I did. If I believed she took herself as a flirt that un-seriously, she'd be a lot less irritating.
Joe tells them that the first thing he's going to do is put out some crab bait. (And here, I will not make an incredibly, unbelievably distasteful joke about anyone on the tribe. At all.) (Out loud.) So Joe takes them into the woods, where he hammers a stake into the ground, then impales an upside-down half-coconut on the stake. "If you want to stay here long, you have to learn this," he says. Heh. About three weeks, Joe. Is that long enough? Incidentally, you know who would have thought hanging out with Joe and Edwin was the most fun he ever had? Jonathan Penner. Sigh. The group is told that they'll have to return at night to fetch the crab.
Fishing lesson! Joe catches a fish. Parvati explains to the camera how much more helpful it is to teach a man to fish, as opposed to just giving him a fish. Dude, somebody should put that on a T-shirt or something.
So it's time to visit Malakal, where Day 15 is not as much fun as Day 15 at Airai. The "favorites" -- Ozzy, Amanda, Ami, and Cirie -- are having a chat in which Amanda is whining about how the other three (Erik, Tracy, and Chet) did nothing in the challenge. Now, if you watched Tracy, you know that Tracy tried very hard in the challenge, as she does in every challenge, because Tracy is not for being screwed around with. Amanda makes the fair point that Chet doesn't do anything -- because Chet always doesn't do anything -- but then Ozzy makes the ludicrous comment that Tracy somehow should have been able to build the blockade because she's a builder. That is absolutely moronic, that comment. Why would a person who works as a commercial and residential builder know how to make a barricade out of planks and rope to keep people from going through a cage? Cirie, naturally, piles on, saying that she would certainly feel obligated to do well in an "operating-room challenge." Of course, this is not analogous to that at all. Cirie actually works in operating rooms; Tracy doesn't go out and build barricades out of planks and ropes. This is the barest of thematic similarities between the challenge and someone's work. This is more like, "You work at a shoe store; therefore, you should win this challenge where we have to build a bamboo boat shaped like a shoe." Amanda snots in an interview that the new tribe can't "work well as a team." Well, we can't all be quite as familiar with our teammates' natural rhythms as you are, Amanda.
Later, Cirie snots that Tracy is "What, 53? At least 55." Nice try, Cirie. The answer is "43." I can't even figure out what she's trying to say. That Tracy is unreasonably well preserved? That she should be better at building barricades because of her advanced age? Or is she just doing a flat-out bitchy "that lady is really OLD" routine, which Cirie is not young enough to pull off (and I know, because she and I are roughly the same age)? And then Cirie unloads this: "You know what's getting on my nerves? That not only do you have to play the game, but you have to teach them the game, too. I don't want to teach." HA HA HA! This from a woman who showed up afraid of leaves, had to be taught how to make fire on, like, Day 36, and wanted (and got) a ticker-tape parade and a cake with a stripper in it when, a month into the game, she finally caught a fish. Ami tells us that the snotty attitude the rest of the "favorites" are taking toward the "fans" is totally bugging her. She basically explains that there's nothing the newbies are doing that they didn't all do when they were new. She does Cirie the favor of not saying, "Especially Cirie, for God's sake."
So Ami has a discussion with Tracy, in which Tracy wonders how tight Ami and Cirie are. I would summarize Ami's reaction as, "Pfft." So basically, Tracy and Ami agree that they, plus Erik and Chet, could vote Cirie off. Tracy and Ami agree that Cirie is cute and has a great smile, but nobody really knows what she's doing, and as stated, her attitude is on Ami's nerves. Ami explains that she's already been hosed in a situation where she tried to align with Cirie -- that would be when Yau-Man was voted out -- and now she kind of feels like maybe she won't go down that road again. Ami and Tracy share the news with Erik about voting out Cirie.
And now, Cirie, Amanda, and Ozzy are sitting around, and Cirie -- who thinks she's so very, very smart -- is wondering whether Jason or Chet found the idol. Ozzy reminds us that after he found the immunity idol, he made a fake one, which he left in the place where the real one was. Ozzy says he hopes Jason finds it: "From what I've heard, he might be naïve enough to believe that it's the real one." So...basically, he's saying, "I have heard Jason is really dumb, so if there's a mook who's going to fall for it, it's going to be that particular mook."
Exile Island, Day 15. Jason and Chet luxuriate in the water, as Chet says that he thinks Ozzy has the idol already. Chet adds that being here isn't that bad, because it will give his heel time to get better. "I'm just going to get a little organized, and then maybe go search for somethin'," Jason says. Wow, awesome cover. I don't know how Chet would figure out what you're doing. It's all about being very, very cagey. As Walter "Gib" Gibson would say: "I'm sorry I was late, but there was this...big problem...and I'm...late because of it."
Chet now explains to us that during a recent challenge, he jammed a piece of coral into his foot, which is now getting infected, so he's at the "end of [his] tether." He really does not want to be here, you can tell.
Jason follows the set of clues sending him all over the place. Jason tells us that Chet thinks Ozzy has the idol and has given up looking, but not him. He's still looking! And he follows and follows, and before you know it -- hey, he's right where the idol was! I mean, "is." And he pulls it out and unwraps it. And you can kind of tell that he's like, "Woo, woo, wooooo! Wooo...huh." Unfortunately, he can't hear the Mouth Harp Of Stupidity on the soundtrack that twangs to tell us he's an idiot as he tries to convince himself it's the idol. Because seriously, all Ozzy did was take a piece of wood, remove the bark, and put two slashes for eyes and one for a mouth. I was about to say you could make that in shop class, but if you made that in shop class, you would get the wedgie of a lifetime. From the teacher. "Well, I guess this is the hidden immunity idol," he says hopefully. "Uh, it's not much, but it's a carving of a piece of wood with a little guy on it? And, uh, this is pretty incredible, so you know I'm going to have to hold onto this tight!" And he tucks it in his pants. Seriously, y'all, he's convinced himself it's real. If he didn't think it was real, he wouldn't tuck it in his pants, and if he didn't figure it out the minute he saw it, he ain't going to figure it out later. "Ozzy doesn't have it. I have it, so this is really good for me." And then he shakes his fist. I wish I believed he was kidding, but I really, really do not. I really think he just...he doesn't understand. And of course, the most diabolical thing for the producers to do would be to make an immunity idol that looks like it could be fake, right? Tricky, tricky.
So on Night 15, Joe takes Airai back to where they baited the crab with coconut, and he finds that there's a giant crab on the coconut. In fact, there are two. He brings them back to camp, and everyone sits down to make some stew. This turns out to be a hell of a fish stew that Joe and Edwin teach them to prepare, and they're all wildly excited about how good it is. Joe makes a toast, and they ask what it means. "Bottoms up," he says, and they all drink. Heh. "James, how do you feel about all these lovely ladies?" Parvati (I think) asks. James half-heartedly gives a thumbs-up. James would return the lovely ladies in a moment if he could exchange them for some sturdy lumber.
The day, Probst brings in Malakal on its boat for the immunity challenge. They climb up onto a platform. As Airai approaches, Malakal immediately notices Jonathan missing, and the news is broken that he was evacuated for the leg. "Holy crapola," Ozzy offers. And now, Jeff brings in Chet and Jason. "Jason, we lost Jonathan," someone tells Jason as he joins the tribe. "Because of his leg?" Jason asks. No, genius, he died of a busted appendix. "He had to go," says a voice.
At this point, Jeff offers the update. Jonathan went to the hospital, they did surgery to clean out the infection, and they put him on IV antibiotics. And now, he's fine. Jeff asks about the idol, and Jason -- thinking he's extremely smart for throwing everybody off the scent -- says that he thinks Ozzy already has it. Jeff points out that only a few people are well-positioned to know the truth about the idol, and asks Ozzy about this. Ozzy says that either somebody else found it, or Jason isn't very good at following clues. I'm not sure I get that; wouldn't that imply that Ozzy thinks you can easily find it if you can follow clues, which would imply that Ozzy has it, which I don't think Ozzy is trying to tell anyone. Not sure Ozzy thought his response all the way through, either. I've always thought just saying "I don't have it" would be an interesting response. Just, "I have no idea whether Jason has it, but I know I don't have it." Why be cagey? Lying is allowed; it's not a deposition.
So in this challenge, they're repeating the "stepping poles" challenge from Cook Islands. In this one, you get two tall poles, and you have to use them to move two people across the water by moving each pole in front of the other one so the person can step to it, then moving the other one in front of that one, you know? You move one, they step to that one, you move the other one up, and they step to that one. That's the way it's designed to work. And when you've moved your two people, you all have to climb up and balance on a small tower, with all feet on or above the platform. You'll recall that Aitu rocked the balance part of this challenge, and it was pretty great to watch.
So Eliza and Parvati are being moved for Airai, while Ami and Tracy are being moved for Malakal. But the weirdest thing has happened. Airai has decided to simply carry Eliza by scooting one pole all the way across. They have the advantage of James -- whose brute strength is super-valuable if you're going to do this -- plus four other people to help balance the pole and keep it stable. You can't really do this without one giant person who can be the stabilizer, but James is perfect for this. Also, Eliza has a lot of focus and balance, and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if this were her idea, though I also wouldn't be surprised if James basically was like, "Whatever; I'll just carry her across." It takes them two tries to do the same with Parvati -- she moves a little too early at the other platform, and she falls backward as a result. But it's still faster than what the other tribe is doing. Malakal just lacks the muscle to do what Airai is doing, I think, and they're immediately totally hosed, unless it turns out that Airai can't balance.
Interestingly, Airai has precisely the right mix of people for the balance part -- one big guy (James) in the middle, and then everybody else can just wrap around him, because it's mostly little people, except him. Remember, not only does he have only women and Jason, but Jason's a small guy and he has the small women (as opposed to the more solidly constructed Cirie and Ami, for instance). So although Malakal (just barely) gets Tracy across before Airai wins the challenge, Airai basically takes this one in a walk. And I just want to point out that once again, Eliza was a big player in that challenge. Like I said, focus and balance. Parvati needed two tries and got a hand from Eliza getting from the pole to the platform. Eliza got there all on her own. James provided the muscle, absolutely, but the person on top of the pole in that situation has to curl into a ball and not move, because if you shift your center of gravity around, it won't work. You have to be able to be a rock, and I think Eliza and Parvati both -- but especially Eliza -- have to be credited with a chunk of the success here.
Malakal, Day 17. First, there has to be a little bit of talk about Jonathan being gone. Amanda can't believe it, and Cirie tells them all that if he had to have surgery, it was really serious. That's kind of her, because it's all too easy for doubts to creep in, the way a lot of people concluded that Jenna Morasca was a quitter who left because she didn't like bug bites, even though her mom died eight days after she got home, and even though it was totally obvious that she'd been tipped off that if she wanted to say goodbye, it was time to go. No matter how compelling your reason for leaving, people cast a negative eye, especially when they don't, and can't, know what really happened. So I'm glad Cirie shut that down pretty early, applying her medical credibility and being like, "Dude obviously needed to get the hell out."
And then Chet limps up. He asks if anyone has a fishhook. Why? "I need to do some surgery on my foot," he says. He seems to be showing us the back of his heel, which...does look swollen. It does. Ami tells him flatly not to open that up. He tells them he thinks if he opens it up and drains it, it will help the pain. What I don't understand is that if he's being tended to by medical staff -- as he's since said he was -- then they would presumably provide advice about whether that's the thing to do or not. Like, the back of his foot is definitely swollen. I feel him on the infection, and as I said: with an infection, you don't wait around until it's systemic. But at the same time, the fact that he seems to be improvising treatment -- as Jonathan emphatically was not -- makes me wonder kind of what's going on, you know? Can he really believe that medical would let him open up his foot with a fishhook, or that they wouldn't simply open it up in a sterile fashion and bandage it, if that's what's needed? Anyway, when they all tell him not to open up the foot, he tells them he has to go tonight, then. I'll also say that on the side of his foot, not quite on the heel, but on the inside of the foot toward the back, there's one of those spidery-looking red things that can, I think, be a sign of an infection that's spreading. That's when you hear about "blood poisoning" and so forth. (Incidentally, if you ever would like to pass out instantly, you should get my mother to tell you the story of how my grandmother treated my grandfather's suspected blood poisoning once upon a time.)
Honestly, dude doesn't want to be here. Foot, no foot, he doesn't want to be here. His only friend is Tracy, who's more of an ally than a friend, he feels out of place, he's miserable, he doesn't enjoy competing, he's treated like a pariah, he's not going to win...he wants to get out. If the foot is as serious as he's saying, I'm sure it's a mixed blessing. This is not anything he's enjoying. In a sort of funny-mean interview, Ozzy talks about how they lost -- again -- and Chet has graciously asked to be voted off. And Ozzy's like, "Yeah, because we totally weren't voting you off anyway."
Of course, the people who are really, really bummed about this are Tracy and Erik, whose great plan -- seriously, I think it was going to work -- to flip the game on Cirie, Ozzy, and Amanda has just been ruined. Erik pointlessly interviews that the "honorable" thing for Chet to do would be to help Tracy -- his ally -- by staying around long enough to vote out Cirie, or Ozzy, or whomever. Tracy and Erik talk, and he points out that if Ozzy found the idol, this is a perfect opportunity -- perfect! -- to surprise him and vote him out. Which is completely true. The one time he's not going to see it coming is when there's somebody asking to go home. Ami's there, too, and now the shift seems to be to Ozzy. Tracy interviews that "it is imperative" that Chet go through with the vote.
Chet and the chickens are resting. The chickens are like, "Dude, we know just how you feel. Just relax and enjoy the time you have left." Erik, Ami, and Tracy show up to talk to Chet. He's having none of it -- he just wants to go home. Erik begs Chet to take part in "the craziest play ever" to oust Ozzy when he least expects it. Ami interviews that the target has now become Ozzy rather than Cirie, but that's also fine with her, so if Chet, Tracy, and Erik are all going to vote for Ozzy, then Ami will, too. Erik stresses to Chet that he and Tracy are goners if Chet doesn't help them; they'll have no way to defend themselves at all. And Chet has the option of using his "dying breath" -- seriously, he says "dying breath" -- to help him and Tracy. I'm not sure why Chet would want to help Erik, nor do I think reminding Chet of his mortality is the right move at the moment, but I do understand the plea to help Tracy, who's been a great ally to Chet. Tracy cuts off the begging, telling Chet, "Just think about it, okay?"
What's frustrating about this is that I don't actually know what Chet's options are. Could he have voted and then immediately quit? Is there some rule that protects against that? If he quits rather than being voted out, does he sacrifice his prize money? Some of his prize money? Are there consequences? Because yes, if he has the option of literally voting, walking out of tribal council, and immediately quitting, and he'll have no consequences, and if the only reason he's doing this is the cosmetic matter of officially being voted out rather than officially quitting, then it's idiotic, and I do think it would have been a cool thing to do to help Tracy -- who's been his friend and ally -- oust Ozzy and his friends, who are kind of being assholes to him. He doesn't have to, but again, I don't really know what his choices are or what consequences they carry, so I feel a little in the dark. Chet says in an interview that he's thinking about it. Which isn't too enlightening, really.
Tribal council. Everyone enters. Jeff asks Cirie about whether there was a discussion of Jonathan and how tough the game is. "It just sucks to go out the way he did. I know if he couldn't argued the point, he'd still be here," she says knowingly and somewhat affectionately. I still think she acted like a total ass to him, but I think there's a perspective that comes from that moment where games fade and actual well-being is involved, and you learn that you don't actually wish people ill. And when Jeff says, "He tried," that's affectionate, too. There's no question that Jonathan is an arguer, which is part of why I like him. I'm an arguer also, as are most of my friends -- not "argue" like "fight," but "argue" like "spirited exchange of views." If you tell him the reasons he should go home and he doesn't want to, you'd better believe he's going to give you the reasons he shouldn't. But like any good arguer, when he loses the argument, he loses the argument -- hence, the fact that the show wasn't forced to handcuff him to a gurney in order to take him to the hospital.
Jeff asks Ozzy what he thought about the exit, and Ozzy basically says he's seen Jonathan live through worse cuts than that. Of course, "worse" with cuts isn't really about the size of the cut; here, it was the puncture-ness that made it so dangerous. I also share with some others the concern that this wound might not have been tended to as quickly as it should have been, since "as quickly as it should have been," to me, would be "as soon as they saw it, at which point the challenge should have been immediately halted for it to be cleaned out," which it doesn't look like they did. I'm not looking to assign blame, but I sure as hell hope they had enough medical personnel nearby to respond pretty much immediately, given how predictable injuries were in that challenge.
Jeff asks Erik about Jason's comment regarding the immunity idol. Did that put thoughts in Erik's head? Erik claims to have thoughts in his head, and he says Ozzy could well have it. How about Cirie? Cirie says she doesn't take the comment at face value, and obviously, Jason could have it and could be trying to hide it. Which is, of course, what Jason thinks he's doing. But not what he's actually doing. Tricky! Jeff asks Ozzy if he's concerned, and Ozzy announces that Chet is going home, so it really doesn't matter. Never going to tribal council again, apparently! Ozzy says that if he gets voted off, he'll be so surprised that he'll "get naked and jump off the pier." It takes a confident person to offer his own nudity to others as a sacrifice for himself and, presumably, an offering to them.
Jeff asks Chet what's up, and Chet says there's always some uncertainty. Jeff asks Amanda about coming into tribal council, and strategically, whether she feels like she has to be on guard all the time. She says feeling comfortable is the fastest way to go home. She says she's as sure as she can be of what's going on, but that's...not that certain, after all.
Voting time. Cirie votes. Erik votes. Ozzy votes for "Chettington IV," gratuitously snotting, "Thanks for letting us use you to vote out Joel." Now, what kind of a remark is that? The guy is already leaving, as far as you know; what is the need to crow about how you used him? He's leaving with a medical situation. Is it necessary to grind your foot in his face? That really, really left a terrible taste in my mouth, and I usually find Ozzy a little cocky, but not nasty. That was just nasty and unnecessary. Methinks somebody is getting a tiny bit too...what's the word?...oh, right. "Comfortable." Amanda votes. Tracy votes. Ami votes, saying, "I'm sorry to see you go." Chet votes. Jeff goes off to tally.
Chet. Chet. Chet. Chet. So Chet is gone, and Cirie is the luckiest mofo in the game thus far. The evacuation of Jonathan solved a serious problem that was looming for her on the other side of the game (Jonathan and Eliza, both good players, getting together with likable Alexis, nonthreatening Kathy, and easily manipulated Jason, for instance), and the voluntary exit of Chet took care of an otherwise near-certain tip of power against her on her own tribe. She got incredibly lucky here, having obstacles she created herself (first alienating Jonathan, then alienating Ami) removed without her having to do anything. Had she been forced to play out the consequences of what she did without the lightning-strike luck of medical emergencies, assuming she didn't get bounced tonight, she'd now be in a minority position on a tribe that would undoubtedly continue losing immunity challenges and would have voted off Ozzy, then her and Amanda if necessary before the merge, and she'd basically have no allies after the merge if she made it that far, because she wasn't likely to wind up with Jonathan, Eliza, and Ami after she voted out Yau-Man, and so forth. Luck is absolutely part of the game, and there's nothing remotely unfair about getting lucky -- people have gotten lucky since the show started (heh), and there's nothing wrong with that. But I can't remember any situation where, in a single episode, two major events have happened that were entirely unforeseeable and entirely out of a player's control that have so perfectly conspired to save her ass from her missteps.
But anyway, Chet is snuffed, which he deserves in a few ways, and he's sent off. Interestingly, earlier this afternoon, he hobbled up and put his arms around Cirie and Amanda as if he could barely stand, and as he walks away, I can barely see a limp. It's not a great shot of him, but...it's interesting. (See? See? I am doing the thing! I am doing the thing where I question the necessity of your voluntary exit!)
Jeff tells them that they're down to six people and might want to start winning challenges. I hope Jeff didn't spend too much time developing that advice. I'd love to see Jeff's tribal-council advice made into a book. I mean, there have been more than two hundred tribal councils; there's enough. Page One: "I think what we've learned is that trust is really important." Page Two: "Winning is going to put you in a better position than losing." Best-seller! Oprah's Book Club! Fortune-cookie franchise!
In his parting words, Chet says he didn't go along with the plan, because "that's something they can take care of after I'm gone." Which is idiotic, because they clearly can't. So I don't know why he's saying that when that's obviously not what he was thinking, but he doesn't really want to talk about why he didn't do it. He claims to be "very proud of the way [he] played the game," and it's like...crickets are chirping, dude. Because...it's not the medical quitting; it's the constant quitting. Every challenge, practically. I don't know. I try not to be too hard on people who are physically not equipped to be there, but what a wet rag, for real. I feel like if you cut that dude, he'd bleed watery oatmeal.
week: Things look bad for the fans at Malakal, and things look bad in general at Airai, still apparently at a disadvantage, camp-wise. Jeff's comment that they're struggling "to stay alive" is probably a bit of an exaggeration, however. Just a little one. Maybe. Also: Kathy looks like she's getting nuttier. Coconut phone! Barkberry! New signs of instability unique to her! Tune in week and find out.
And with that (only partly because I cannot go on without Jonathan), the time has come for me to say goodbye to TWoP after almost seven life-altering years. To say it's been a blast would be a preposterous understatement, but when it comes to making life decisions, I defer to Kenny Rogers as far as holding 'em and folding 'em (unless we are talking about folding your face via plastic surgery, in which case, respectfully, I believe I will keep my own counsel). With that in mind, I've decided that it's time to move on and do some new things. While I'll miss all of you terribly, I'm excited about everything I hope will come . You can find me at my new digs here, if you like, or drop me a note and keep in touch. Be good to Sara M, in whose brilliantly funny hands I leave both all of you and all the turkeys on this show. Thank you all, more than I can say, for everything.