You will recall that when last we saw each other, Yul had just won the thirteenth season ofSurvivor, and your humble recapper was -- I wish I were making this up -- lying on the living-room floor face-down, banging on the floor with her fists, releasing a season's worth of tension.
In a particularly nice bit of irony, the reunion begins with Parvati, who has apparently been appointed Our National Spokesboxer, gassing on about how smart Yul is, because he's "Harvard-Yale-Stanford guy." And if anyone would know a smart guy, it would be Parvati. We then see Yul asking Jonathan to be his ally again. For both their sakes! For the sake of good! Over evil! Not that he is ungracious enough to say that! Which is a shame! Because spite is fun! Yul dances! He catches chickens! He slides on a zip line! All right, we're going to have to stop making with the exclamation points, I realize. But still. Such an awesome, awesome outcome to a season that seemed ill-conceived at the intensity of, like, Little Man.
We return to Reunion Set Yul, still looking a bit embarrassed and surprised. Not to mention kind of dirty-thought-provoking in an unassuming black button-down. I get the sense that his reaction is more at the entire thing than it is at winning. He has to have known he had a good shot at the money, but it would still be hard not to wonder whose life you're in all of a sudden. The captions remind us that we are in the 100% artificial environment of "CBS Television City." Where the streets are lined with people who are better connected than I am. I have been telling people for the last year that I'm going to get into one of these dumb things someday if I have to impersonate a contestant's grandma to get in. I'm sure it's really not that much fun, but now it's my Everest. Anyway, a beguilingly besweatered Jeff Probst welcomes us back to the reunion show. Unsurprisingly, while Jeff talks about how he wants to praise both Yul and Ozzy (no offense, Becky!), what he really wants to do first is talk about how sad he is that Ozzy didn't win. Of course, he insists that it's not that he's not happy Yul won, even though, in a way, it totally is. Because Jeff Probst has clearly decided that Ozzy is a sort of proto-contestant, the contestant all other contestants should emulate and envy, and at the same time, Jeff Probst can still feel superior to him. Besides, Ozzy never executes those tricky hat-returning maneuvers designed to sway the jury. You know, the ones that force Jeff to go all Hammer of Justice and call your anonymously executed act what it is: a cheap plea for votes. With that out of the way, Jeff goes on to acknowledge that Yul did a lot of things right, and "absolutely deserved it." I'm glad he at least coughed that up, as much as I'm sure it hurt.
Jeff begins by asking Yul how important finding the idol was, "in the totem pole of events." The...what? The "totem pole"? I think Jeff has been spending too much time with his head in the ceremonial herb smoker. Yul plays along but deftly reflects the metaphor, simply calling finding the idol "huge" and saying that the game involves lots of luck, and that he got sent to the island at the right time. He thinks the key to winning is "maximizing the good luck and mitigating the bad luck." And in the end, he got to use the idol the way he wanted, which was not to just "save [his] butt one time, but to really change the game up." Quite true. I'll bet it's incredibly frustrating to host this thing and have somebody explaining it so rationally. There's part of me that thinks this should be the end of the show, like now, it's been mastered, and we've learned all we're going to, and it's time to go home.
But because commerce and art both march us inexorably toward Fiji, Jeff asks how Yul reacted when Candice and Jonathan chose to mutiny. Yul says his first thought was, "We're screwed." Heh. We now see that Jonathan is directly behind Yul in a very nice, dove-gray velvety jacket, and he's got his hair all...suburban-dad, kind of, but not in a bad way at all. It's different. It's...more flat? And...maybe darker? But good? Anyway, Yul says that Raro had both numbers and "size" (Adam and Nate being the thick-trunked trees they were, and Jonathan being no feeble thing himself). Yul says that, of course, at the time the mutiny happened, he didn't realize that Ozzy was an "amazing challenge demon." So at that moment, Yul certainly thought his team's run was over.
Candice is asked why in the hell she chose to mutiny. I consider this an extremely good question, because...seriously. It's not very surprising that she goes on to completely not answer the question, because she talks about the decision to flip, which isn't the issue. The issue is why she didn't just wait until the merge, and I suspect the reason that she doesn't answer that question is that...there isn't a very good answer, and "I wanted to hang out with my friends" has the advantage of truth and the disadvantage of making you look dumb. Since she's probably not dumb (too much goodwill from too many people in post-show interviews), Candice probably doesn't want to sound like she is. "It didn't work out, but it was fun," she says good-naturedly. So she didn't give much of an answer, but she didn't dig much of a hole, either. Had she attempted to explain in great detail how she had a master plan for victory that absolutely required her to mutiny at that moment, I wouldn't have believed her anyway. Jeff defends Candice by saying that, in the game, you have to "make big moves." Interfering at tribal council, for instance.
, Sundra is asked why her group managed to stick together where others might have fallen apart. Showing off a giant head of hair that's extremely flattering and helps her look in general like a million bucks worth of glam, Sundra essentially credits the individuals in the group, saying that they just happened to have exactly the right combination of people. She unfortunately feels the need to mention playing with integrity, which I could have lived without, but I think the general point that it worked because of the four particular people who were involved is probably well taken.
Jeff asks Yul about getting Jonathan to flip back over, and teases him about the fact that he was doing a lot of probability talk during the game, constantly evaluating the mathematical probabilities of various things happening. You can always kind of tell when, on the one hand, Jeff feels obligated to praise a particular quality, while on the other hand, he's envious of it and makes fun of it with feigned generosity as a result. That's kind of what he's doing here, treating the evaluation of probabilities as a really weird thing for a contestant in a game show to engage in. Instead of, you know, the single most important thing for a rational player to do. I've kind of said this about Yul, and I've said similar things before, but to me, one of the things that makes a good Survivor player is acceptance of risk, in the sense that you can't constantly play as if you can definitely avoid losing. It's sort of what Probst means about big moves, but it isn't always flashy moves. It's exactly the playing of probabilities, and this group did it really well. Think about that time on Palau where Tom and Ian were willing to draw rocks if they needed to in order to boot Gregg before he came after them. The acceptance of that risk made it possible for them to avoid disaster. If you aren't willing to risk anything, you don't have any cards to play, really. By approaching Jonathan to flip and revealing that he had the idol, Yul risked having Jonathan tell Raro that he had it, which wasn't what he wanted at all at that moment. Bad players are frozen by that knowledge, and they remain inactive as if inactivity carries no risk, when in fact, it carries enormous risk. You have to be good at weighing the risk of doing something against the risk of doing nothing, and most people are only good at weighing the risks of doing various things, and if all those risks are identifiable, then they don't do anything. Ask Pagong how that turns out, generally.
Anyway, Yul says that he knew Jonathan was a rational and smart player, so it made sense to appeal to his rational side. So Yul explained that if Jonathan didn't flip, there was an excellent chance that Jonathan would be eliminated either that round or the following round. "So, really, you have no choice," Yul quotes himself as saying. I find that hilarious, because I'm sure he didn't do it in a mean way at all. Like a hired killer, you know? "I'm really sorry. But if you don't do as I say, you are ruined." Yul adds that he also tried to gather a little insurance that Jonathan wouldn't burn the Aitu four. He told Jonathan that the only reason Jonathan hadn't been voted out was that Raro thought Jonathan had the idol, so if Raro found out that it was actually Yul who had the idol, then Jonathan would be gone. It's not something I imagine went enormously far, but it's an interesting and creative piece of thinking. It makes more sense than it initially sounds like it does: Yul was loosely offering Jonathan a place close to the end, and was saying that if Jonathan stayed with Raro but caused Yul to have to play the idol, then Jonathan would be promptly voted out himself.
Jeff calls out the fact that Yul voted Jonathan out shortly thereafter in a way that helped Yul win, in the sense that Adam had been so insistent about lasting longer than Jonathan. I'm not sure that was quite as calculated -- as in, calculated ahead of time -- as Jeff is making it sound, but okay. Adam confirms to Jeff that if Yul hadn't complied with the demand and voted Jonathan off first, Adam would have voted for Ozzy at the final. As it was when Adam first brought it up, it's almost impossibly spiteful and lame, if you think about it -- that the position in which a third party was voted off would have changed Adam's vote, but...whatever. Moreover, Parvati is a big fat liar, because she also made it clear that her jury vote would be about this same thing, and she didn't do it. If you're going to be petty, you should at least have some follow-through. Jeff tries to start a little ugliness by asking Ozzy whether he knew that Yul had this "deal" with Adam. Ozzy basically says yes: Adam told Ozzy that he had promised to vote for Yul because of the Jonathan thing. Ozzy, of course, tried to sway Adam by making it clear that it wasn't all Yul's decision, which was true, I'm sure. But this is where declining to be that "Godfather" has a certain risk, of course. Yul stepped up and was the leader, and usually, that gets you screwed. So Ozzy's plan was safer, but in this individual situation, Adam gave the reward to the person he visualized as the leader.
Jeff now asks Yul about Becky, saying that it looked to him, out on the island, like Becky was "a tagalong," and that it wasn't until Jeff watched the show that he saw how much she spoke to and strategized with Yul. As we've discussed before, I really felt like there was a cool kind of balance to that relationship, so I think that makes me...in agreement with Probst? Kind of a weird feeling, that. Yul, to no one's shock, calls Becky "an incredibly strong player." He says that she was "an equal partner" in all the strategic maneuvering, as she looks on a little uncomfortably. I'm sure it's not awesome to sit here, having received...no votes. I mean, not a shock, I'm sure, but still. Yul goes on to say that he picked up this "puppetmaster" label somewhere, and that although he doesn't actually operate that way in groups, because he's basically a consensus-building, company-retreat, trust-falls, blindfolded-leadership-exercise kind of guy (okay, I'm extrapolating), he realized that the more he denied it, the more they all just thought he was full of it. So he stopped arguing and started acting puppetmaster-y. Another risky strategy, I think. Yul reiterates, though, that Becky was in on everything.
Sidebar: The great thing about this is that if Candice had voted for Ozzy, we'd all be sitting here talking about how brilliantly Ozzy played. Those are the breaks, and those are the weaknesses in analyzing this kind of thing, not that this is slowing me down in the slightest.
Jeff turns to Becky, asking her whether, in light of her strategic play throughout the season, it's frustrating to know that what people will remember is "we're going to go to matches." Becky laughs generously, saying that she and Sundra did indeed practice for the fire-making, but that they were both nervous. I'm not sure I entirely buy that as an excuse for not being able to make fire for an hour, but she's clearly an awfully nice person, and I love a human-rights lawyer, so we'll let it go. Becky also cites her friendship with Sundra, which...yeah, I don't know exactly where she's going with that. She was...distracted by rooting for the other person? Eh.
Now, we enter the first Love Connection segment Jeff has to do the thing where he tries to make up romances that aren't there. He says that people on the street walk up to him and ask whether Yul and Becky are dating. I always hate it when they do it to people who are friends. Because obviously they care about being friends, and either (1) it's romantic and they'd rather not talk about it; (2) it's not romantic because nobody feels The Thing, about which there isn't much to say, so it's not that interesting; or (3) it's not romantic because one person feels The Thing and the other person doesn't, which is just sad and awkward and hard enough to talk about in front of no one, let alone...you know, everyone. So I kind of want to put my hands over my ears here, but I'll tell you what happens anyway. ["Before you do: I don't believe that anyone has ever asked Jeff about the crackling sexual tension between Becky and Yul, particularly since both Yul and Becky said -- ON THE SHOW -- that they had a brother/sister relationship. Furthermore, the pair that seemed to me to have the most chemistry was clearly Yul and Sundra." -- Wing Chun] The good thing is that Becky and Yul have had plenty of time to prepare, considering that this "they should have babies" business has been floating around all season in places where the show is discussed. ["Really? Please. Yul should have babies with Sundra. SUNDRA!" -- Wing Chun] Becky smiles, and Yul looks over at her with this expression that's about 33% embarrassment, 33% curiosity, and 33% Nelson Muntz "HAAA-ha," because they asked her instead of him. It's that last 1% I can't nail down. ["That last percent is wondering whether Jeff is racist because he can't imagine an interracial love connection involving Yul and another former Aitu tribe member named Sundra." -- Wing Chun] Becky's reaction to the question is to say she and Yul are both "very, um, focused." Ha! That is a terrible answer, and I mean that with great affection. Becky says that she and Yul kept their minds on the game and on strategy the entire time, and smiles, "We didn't cross that line," interestingly refraining from anything really door-closing as well as anything really door-leave-opening. "Did it enter your mind?" Jeff asks, just really wanting to make something embarrassing happen, and Becky says, "No, it didn't enter my mind." And that, I must say...I do not believe. There's no "it didn't enter my mind." There's "it entered my mind and I was like, 'shudder,'" and there's "it entered my mind as an incredibly bad idea," and there's "it entered my mind, but then it kind of...left," and (most commonly) there's "it entered my mind, but it's just not that kind of chemistry." But there's no "it didn't enter my mind" with your hot nice smart successful unattached friend. Not that Becky's obligated to share her thoughts with Jeff Probst. Or me. But I would have thought an attorney would have come up with a more plausible argument. Anyway, Yul just looks like he's glad it's over.
Now, Jeff brings up the fact that Yul got into that People magazine article on the "Sexiest Men" issue, which Probst says with such vicious mockery that you just know, once again, that he's dying inside over the fact that he's never in it. Jeff asks Yul -- who now looks bright red even on television -- whether he's now "getting dates." Yul insists that when he first heard about the magazine, he figured it was "a practical joke." Presumably, when he started receiving extremely sincere marriage proposals in the mail (and, um, on the internet), he realized that it was no joke. He calls the magazine thing "a little bit silly," but then everything his mother taught him kicks in, and he says that he appreciates the editors' thinking enough of him to objectify him and everything. Then he says that his mom just wants him to get married. Poor Mom. Maybe she made Probst ask Becky that goofy question about romance.
Jeff then asks Yul about being in the hot tub with "two uninhibited and naked people" in Ozzy and Parvati during that late reward, adding that he couldn't tell whether Yul considered it a "great moment" or a "worst nightmare." Yul laughs, and then says that it was "more the latter." Yeah, I'm not sure everybody would find naked Parvati all that alluring. He claims that he "wanted to get the hell out of there," but that he was afraid that Parvati would use her giant teeth and her mad bathing skillz to lure Ozzy to the dark side, so he was afraid to leave them alone. In fact, he says he waited to go to bed until Ozzy had passed out. I mean, "fallen asleep."
In my favorite moment of the reunion, Jeff asks Yul what he did first when he got home, and Yul says -- I swear to God -- "I got a Costco membership and I went crazy." He explains that he bought such a haul of food that it wouldn't fit in the refrigerator, so he ate it immediately. You heard it, y'all. He went nuts at Costco. You will undoubtedly see the receipts on The Smoking Gun.
Jeff promises that, , we will talk about where Ozzy could possibly have come from, and we'll hear from Jonathan. Jonathan!
When we return, we watch some highlights of Ozzy's challenge performances as Candice explains that he's "part fish, part monkey." Back at CBS Fake Television Fake City, Jeff Probst is about to get to do his favorite thing, which is talk about the awesomeness of Ozzy. Jeff asks Ozzy how he wound up with "all these bizarre skills." Ozzy says that he had "a very eclectic background." He says that he loved books, particularly Robinson Crusoe. Probst wants to know how he learned to swim and spear fish and climb trees. Ozzy says that the swimming came from the fact that he had a pool in his backyard growing up. He also says that a friend of his took him spear-fishing for the friend's birthday. This isn't sounding so much like an eclectic background as a privileged background, but...okay. He claims to have loved "the survival aspect" of...spearing fish in Santa Barbara. Whatever. Jeff wants to know what was Ozzy's favorite part of the experience, and Ozzy says it was "the whole damn thing." He also says he likes knowing that if he were actually stranded on a deserted island, he would be able to survive. I wonder whether he really thinks this experience demonstrates that. Because...that is delusional. They probably wouldn't give you flint and steel and periodic feasts and camera crews and fresh water. Jeff asks whether Ozzy missed the island after he left, and Ozzy says that he "fell into a deep depression" when he returned. Just like Cindy when she went home and lost her job at the zoo! "The concrete jungle kinda got to me a little," Ozzy says -- ironically sounding, more than he ever has, like he just got here from Starbucks. Apparently, he considers himself to have been at "humanity's roots." While, you know, being followed by cameras and competing in mazes before participating in ritual evictions from society. He goes on to lecture that we've all lost sight of our "primal nature," and while I think I know what he's getting at, and I could get into a whole thing here about genuineness not being about the environment so much as the people you're with, I mostly think Ozzy really needs to smoke less pot. Jeff asks about Ozzy's dad and what the status is there, in light of the very sad tribal council speech. For a minute, I think Ozzy's going to say, "What, that? I made that up for effect. My father's not dead; my father drives a taxi in Dublin!," but he doesn't. Instead, Ozzy says that his "dad" isn't really in the picture, but that his father is in the audience. Jeff clears this up by saying that the one in the audience is "the person you consider your father." "He raised me," Ozzy says, meaning that is his father, Jeff, so shut your trap. Ozzy's father waves from the audience.
Now, Jeff wants to talk about Jonathan, who was "equally memorable" for being a cancerous snake rat. We relive some beloved clips, including "wandering Jew without a tribe," as well as my favorite, which is the eternal battle of "complete bastard" versus "complete bastard." Jeff starts off the interview by saying that there's an ongoing discussion among people he talks to, so he wants to know -- is Jonathan a villain? "No," Jonathan says. "I think I was antagonistic to other people, and obviously I rubbed them the wrong way. But it was a game." This is where you see that this is a rant he has been sitting on for some time. I'll bet there have been several drafts. "You can't have a villain in a game," he says with disgust. "There's no villain in Monopoly." And I'm completely not doing it justice, because the way he says it is so dismissive, like, "there's no VILL-ain in Mon-OP-oly, you ASSHOLE." It's just that the end is silent. Jonathan goes on: "We're all playing the game. There's no villain in a poker tournament. So I was playing to win a million bucks. We all were. I was just a lot more overt about it, and I think I wore my agenda on my sleeve." Nice. I'm totally adopting "there's no villain in Monopoly" and using it as my very own. The comparisons to poker, of course, already are my own, in that great minds think alike. Or at least minds that hate moralistic tribal council questions. Jeff asks Jonathan about watching the thing at home with his family in light of the beating that he took with regard to his character. Jonathan says he warned everybody that he was going to be called nasty names. And look! There's the family, out in the audience. Frankly, they all look like rats to me, especially the adorable children. Rats! Jonathan explains that he talked to his kids about the fact that they don't call people names in their family, even if people call them names first. In other words, Jonathan told his young children, "You don't have to be as immature as Adam and Candice." He adds that the name-calling was also in the context of the game, and that it's not like he thinks Adam and Candice would call him a cancer rat at the supermarket. I am not so sure. Asked whether the show changed him at all in ways other than the substantial chunk of weight that he lost (which may be a little misleading if what Yul has said is true and Jonathan wisely put on a lot of weight to go on the show), Jonathan says that he's more "appreciative" of his life at home. He gets a nice hand for this, which he deserves. It never makes sense to me when people say that being on a reality show made them appreciate their families more, but it's said often enough that I feel obligated to assign it a certain level of validity.
Jeff now asks Rebecca and Jenny about being voted off before the rat snake who then betrayed the faithless Rarovians. Jenny says she wishes she had said something at tribal council when the bottle was opened, just to have a chance to save herself. That...would not have worked. It turns out that Jenny has some theory about how Yul would have tried to flip her instead of Jonathan if she'd made it to the merge, and that she wouldn't have flipped, and she really is kidding herself.
up: Cao Boi! And racial divisions! But first! Sekou is sitting in with the band to play his song about Survivor, which I'm sorry to say is about as good as you would think, except that it's ripped off directly from "All Night Long." Seriously, haven't people learned by now not to write songs about the damn show?
When we return, we get a clip of Cao Boi's wonderful fire-making skills, as well as his insistence that the Asian community never accepts him. He heals Brad and explains that he belongs with hippies. When we return to CBS Television "City," Jeff asks Cao Boi the same thing he asked Ozzy, which is the incredibly culturally sensitive question, "Where do you come from?" Cao Boi explains that he's been beaten down all his life. He's a lover, not a fighter, and so forth. He's done it his way. Rather frighteningly, Cao Boi claims that going on the show is "the culmination of [his] life experience." I so incredibly powerfully hope that isn't true, as I hope in every case. Jeff throws Cao Boi a huge softball by asking him whether people just don't get him. He's misunderstood! Don't hate the Cao Boi, hate the Cao! Or something. Cao Boi says something about being misunderstood in the sense that people think he doesn't speak English, which he finds a lot funnier than anyone else in the room does. He definitely has a bad case of cackling at his own jokes in a way that takes all the air out of them. Jeff asks Cao Boi about a comment he apparently made to the effect that "kids today" just aren't patient, and Cao Boi responds that he's more "old-school," so he tends to redo everything to double-check. Cao Boi, incidentally, is forty-two years old, which is a little young to be making "kids today" speeches. I really don't even understand his rant about rapid processing of information, but I'm not sure I need to. Jeff brings up Cao Boi's tendency to tell Asian jokes inside the tent at night, and Yul and Becky squirm uncomfortably.
Fortunately, this leads Jeff to return to Yul, to ask the question of whether the division based on race was a good idea in the first place. "Honestly, when I first heard about it, the first thing I thought to myself was, 'I've made a huge mistake,'" says Yul. He basically says that getting involved in something that might ultimately feed stereotypes was pretty much a total nightmare from his perspective, what with his being...sane and everything. He goes on to say that even though it started out so stupid, it wound up relatively well, and he thinks that the progress of the season demonstrated that who your friends are doesn't depend on what race you are. He points out that the members of Aitu bonded because of who they were as individuals, and he says he kind of hopes that, in some way, they made something positive out of it. I think the real answer to this question for him, and probably for many of the rest of them, is the same answer I would give, which is that the idea behind it was gruesomely cynical, but that because individual identity often tends to beat out cultural identity in an artificial small-group setting (as opposed to in a larger society, where the dynamics are completely different), it didn't turn out nearly as badly as it easily could have. Remember: if Jonathan hadn't flipped, you might well have wound up looking at a final four made up of all the white people minus the "alternative" girl they disposed of. What does that conversation look like?
Cao Boi tries to jump in here, but Jeff waves him off and moves on to Nate, to ask about the fact that, apparently, Stephannie and Rebecca got after him for not representing or looking after "the group." Which, in this case, of course, meant the African-American team. Nate claims that he was "called a race traitor," which I'd like to think didn't literally happen, but is what he feels like he was accused of. He says that, for him, the game pretty much required ignoring the race issue and going with whatever strategy would help him win. Stephannie essentially says that she trusted Nate more, and that she expected more from Nate, because they were both African-American. Rebecca's response is a little different, in that she says she expected more support from Nate because of the bond they had personally. This is a fine line, of course, but Rebecca specifically says that it wasn't a race issue; it was the same kind of personal "I thought we had an understanding" kind of stuff that you get every season. How you would separate those two things and know for sure what you're responding to in either direction, I honestly don't know.
Jeff goes to Brad to ask about pressure to "represent." Brad says he does think that pressure exists, and talks about the pressure to combat stereotypes that Asian men are "thin" and "nerdy." And, interestingly, "WASPy." He says he thinks that he and Yul broke the stereotypes very well. Now that we're done with nice, friendly Brad, it's time to move along. Specifically, when we return: Candice and Adam! I can't wait, can you?
When we come back, Jeff asks Candice whether the thing with Adam was "strategy" or "romance." She explains that it was initially strategy, and we are all subjected to more footage of them touching their mouths together and moving their heads around. She says that eventually, though, she and Adam "developed a bond and a relationship." In the end, Candice says, there was "a little romance." And then Jeff turns to Adam and asks the status. The first words out of Adam's mouth are "You know, Candice is a great girl." And there is a loud, pained groan from the entire audience, because "she's a great girl" is the absolute worst, shittiest thing you can say about someone you've made out with. It would only be better if he had said "gal." Adam goes on to say that he liked Candice, and trusted her, but of course, they have nothing to do with each other now.
Now, Jeff moves on to Nate and Parvati, who he claims seemed more like a couple when they were out on the island than they appeared on the show as edited. Jeff asks Nate whether he had "feelings for Parvati." Nate's all, "Look at her," as if it is perfectly obvious that only a fool would not have feelings for her, and large-tooth fetishists everywhere are like, "Word." Nate adds, "She was warm." I like to think of that literally, like, "Ninety-eight-point-six!" But Jeff wants a yes or no answer, so Nate just says, "Yes." "Yes, there were some feelings," Jeff presses, as the audience applauds. "Yes, definitely," says Nate. Parvati licks her lips. Ech. Asked for her thoughts, she's like, "I love Nate," but she doesn't mean it like that. You can always tell when "I love [x]" is preceded by a secret "Look." Because "I love Nate" and "Look, I love Nate" are two very different things, in responding to a "what I think of Nate" kind of question. Parvati goes on to say that Nate really helped her to stay positive when the team was losing. Boy, that is warm. And personal! Jeff asks Parvati about just what kind of "boxing" she does. "Um, it's called model boxing," she says, and everyone giggles. But she insists that it's "real boxing," because she trains in an actual gym. "It's legitimate boxing. It's really quite difficult," she says. I wonder whether anyone has told her that, in most sports, you don't have to be a model to play. Happily, everyone chortles again, because: girl, please. I don't hate on you for model boxing, but you can't get precious when people think it's funny.
Jeff starts on the "updates," also known as "Say one thing and shut up, you early-exiting loser." J.P. reports that he's been approached by the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency. And boy, if that doesn't just figure. ["Of course, since it's Janice, that could just mean that she was drunk at Nobu and fell on him." -- Wing Chun] J.P. even gives Dickinson's show a little plug, and I'm sure the Oxygen Network appreciated that. Cristina took some crap from the other cops about being on the show, but they liked seeing her wrestle. Cecelia insists that even her short stay was transforming. Flicka spazzes out and tells us that she loves her style, and that she's "working it." She's received "nothing but love." Be quiet, Flicka. "Billy," says Jeff, "I'd be remiss if I didn't point out the obvious: that Candice is now available." Oh, SNAP, Jeff Probst. On both of them, really. Billy does his best to tread water -- never justify! -- explaining that he pretty much was in a weird situation, and was looking for something to be happy about, and haven't we all accidentally acted like we'd found love with someone we haven't actually had any conversations with?
Now, we have reached the part of the show where the victory is slightly diluted. It's time to give away a 2008 Mercury Mariner to the person who played "the cleverest game." This vote, too, was close and came down to Yul and Ozzy. This time, however, Ozzy took the car. So at least he got something, which is nice. ["Sure. He can drive it over to his parents' house and SWIM IN THEIR POOL. Jerk." -- Wing Chun] Yul seems genuinely happy about losing the car. Of course, he can buy several Mercury Mariners, or he can buy something better, because cash is nicer than a car chosen for you by someone else, even if it is the viewing public.
We come back, and Jeff shows us a preview for the upcoming season, which will take place in Fiji while there's a coup going on there. Seriously. Jeff doesn't say this, but it is true. In other news, one tribe will be in luxury, and one will have nothing. There will be a "diverse cast," and the contestants will have to dodge "deadly sea snakes" on Exile Island, and there will be two hidden idols. Also, a very controversial decision by someone will cause fighting, so that will be new. Jeff wraps up, explaining that Yul will be on The Early Show the day to get his giant check, and that you can always pick up some swag to raise money for the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation. In other words: same rat-infested time, same rat-infested channel. See you in Fiji.