THIS NEVER HAPPENS. Seriously, the person I'm rooting for never wins. But this time, he did. See, we start out with five people, and Adam doesn't win immunity some more. Although he comes up with a surprisingly lucid argument for the rest of the Aitus to take out the hidden idol before F4, they don't go for it, so Adam goes home uneventfully. And weirdly, it seems like the final four is actually made up of people who genuinely like each other, not who kind of like each other but harbor hidden resentments of all kinds. I think they really like each other. Anyway, the last immunity challenge sees a surprisingly good showing from Sundra, but she can't hold out against the challenge monster, so Ozzy wins again. This means that you can't vote for Ozzy or Yul, so it's just Becky and Sundra. Aitu agrees on a tie, to let the women fight it out at a fire challenge to see who stays. Nobody anticipated, however, that neither of them would be able to make fire. Like, at all. They start out with flint, and after an hour (!), Jeff Probst concludes that neither of them is going to get a fire started, so they move to matches. Anyway, Becky eventually gets a fire going, and Sundra goes home. At the final tribal council, the jury is relatively sane, with the exception of Adam ("You want my vote, trash-talk your friends!"), Candice ("Dance for my vote, monkey!"), and Jonathan, who surprisingly goes into some kind of weird mad-at-everyone routine that we hope is a routine. It doesn't disintegrate into anything ugly, because the final three just kind of won't, but it's also hard to tell what's going to happen. Ultimately, Yul manages the win, by a vote of 5-4, in part because Adam apparently stuck to the plan to vote for Yul if he got rid of Jonathan. It's a stupid way to get a vote, but it's glorious, because Yul is the winner. Lovely, normal, adorable Yul, who thinks that this entire game is just kind of weird, which is what all sane people think. I'm telling you, this never happens.
Previously on Why Are You Offended When All We're Trying To Do Is Figure Out Which Race Is The Best?: The contestants were divided into tribes by race, a social experiment that dared you to suggest that you would ever profess to have learned anything from it about how those [blanks] are really good at [blank], or what have you. Jeff Probst rather terrifyingly suggested before the season started that perhaps we would learn a little something about how Hispanic people and Asian people make fire differently, or something. Of course, he also suggested that he had only recently learned that "Korea" is not Korean for "Japan," so he put his own credibility in some doubt. In the end, because life is not an episode of Gilligan's Island, there didn't turn out to be much in the way of offensive stereotypes mixing with survival skills, and we could all at least be grateful for that. After only two episodes of Survivor: George Wallace's Brain, there was a merge into conventional tribes. Producers inserted a twist that meant something for once, as Candice and Jonathan abandoned all the people of color on their tribe and went over to hang with the white people they started out with, leading to accidental and uncomfortable comments about how "maybe it'll be us Caucasians at the end." Which led television pundits wearing my pajamas to be like, "Oh...God."
Little four-person Aitu, which included representation from all the non-white tribes, appeared to be completely doomed (not for that reason, obviously), but it had three secret weapons to pull out. First, it was bonzo at challenges, largely but not exclusively because of Ozzy, the Amphibious Island Dolphin-Monkey Of The Gods. Second, it was bonzo at strategy, largely but not exclusively because of Yul, the Ass-Kicking Nerd Consultant and Full-Time Consensus-Builder. Third, it was relatively nice and pleasant and likable, which suddenly became important when Jonathan "Nanny Nanny Boo Boo" Penner realized that his new post-mutiny Raro tribe was made up entirely of dipshits, and that he wasn't going to win anyway. Seeing a chance to make trouble in the best way, he turned his back on the bullying Heathers who had only recently seen his front, and the entire game shifted. From there, big and powerful Raro bit the dust, one capped tooth at a time, managing to take Jonathan with them before they were done. By the time the game got down to the final five, only Adam remained -- one tall, solid, dense, thick tree against the Aitu four, who became a tribe together six episodes ago and have not lost a single person since. Remarkable. So now, there's just Adam, and there are four people who basically appear to be unobjectionable, and who are presumably going to have to start cutting each other's legs off at some point. One gets the sense they will at least consider using anesthetic or bourbon.
Credits. So much for the rumored "Mark Burnett tells you who's going to win by putting a bird near him in the credits" theory. I'm highly surprised, because it sure sounded well thought out, and not at all like something anyone would think of while getting high and listening to Radiohead.
Majestic fish form a Busby Berkeley formation in the water as the grand opening music plays. It is at this point in the season that the show begins to conceive of itself as an opera, rather than a seventh-grade campout with all the kissing and arguing. Prepare for the singing of arias and the gnashing of operatic teeth. The good news, you see, is that at least all these obnoxious people are living in the company of some very pretty fish. The music is kind of soaring and final, like we're at the end of a movie about mountain climbing. Unfortunately, no such luck. And then we are on the water, flying toward the island occupied by the tribe with the imaginary name Aitutonga, on Day 37 of a racearoundtheworld. No, wait. That's not right. Aitutonga does, of course, have at its camp a flag that looks like it was painted by a second-grade art class and doesn't really go with the swelling music.
We find Adam in the shelter, where he has probably been writing poems about how much he misses Candice. HA HA HA! No, I'm just kidding. He's actually been scratching himself, of course. He peeks out and watches as Ozzy and Yul share a coconut in a sinister and exclusionary fashion. You know, I think this kind of social disillusionment is why the RA at my dorm at Oberlin told me and my friends that we couldn't play bridge in the lounge -- we had to play Go Fish, so that everyone could join. (Sidebar: she was convinced that even though half the student body there is pissed off about something at any time, and of those, two-thirds are angry that the dining hall is out of Lucky Charms, somehow people were finding time to be hurt that they couldn't join us and...play cards. Bridge hurts feelings!) Anyway, Adam looks elsewhere and sees Becky and Sundra, who are also doing their favorite social activity together: standing around. Everywhere Adam looks! Pairs of people who aren't him! This whole sequence makes it seem like he's hiding from them, like he's Audrey Hepburn and they're Alan Arkin and he's about to break all the lightbulbs. "I was by muh-self last night," he announces to no one. No cuddlecakes for Adam. He says it was like being "back on Exile Island." And then he emphatically adds, "Huh-huh!" You know, if you're going to be this guy, you sort of have to learn how not to laugh "huh-huh." Because there's a line, and when you go over it, you're a caricature and you can't come home anymore. It's the same reason that, if you live in a warm climate, you have to learn to stand around in the heat without your tongue hanging out.
The Aitu four have a chat about the fact that Adam is lying down in the shelter. Ozzy notes that Adam has apparently "given up." They have vanquished the himbo, all right. Sundra says that the membes of her group are happy with the progress of things so far, given their status as "underdogs" and so forth. But of course, they've never talked about what the hell they would do after they got themselves to F4. I secretly suspect that, for an alliance like this to work, you kind of have to not discuss it. You have to be so disciplined that you just let it go, because everybody benefits if nobody starts maneuvering independently. It's a delicate apple cart; when it's working well, upsetting it is risky. Sundra says that the time has come to "think individually," and you can tell this makes her kind of sad, as it does me. End of an era! See you summer! Pass me a burnt marshmallow! U R 2 good 2 B 4-gotten! She says that there may be "hurt feelings, but that's the game." As the other three watch Ozzy get a coconut out of a tree, Becky tells us that they've gotten where they are by sticking together. She, however, is concerned about the Ozzy Challenge Monster factor and the way he has become some kind of island Fonzie, catching fish by snapping his fingers. In an interview, Ozzy acknowledges that once it's the four of them, he's "a huge threat," so he knows he's going to be in danger. For that reason, he's going to need to keep on winning immunity. From both of them, it's an appealingly dispassionate analysis of the situation.
All five who remain go to fetch the treemail, which includes a prop spider web on a frame. Adam proudly identifies it as such, meaning he has earned his Be A Smart Cookie merit badge. The clue suggests something about compass points, and also suggests a variety of physical challenges. "Sounds like another one for Ozzy to...it's Ozzy's to lose," says Yul as Ozzy celebrates this very news. It's very unsettling how mature they are about this. "Let's go stretch," Sundra suggests. Heh. Becky says that she's nervous about this challenge, because if Adam were to win, then the Aitu four would not make it to the end. The four have a little meeting where they all hold hands and talk about their "vision" of being at the end together. It's like they're having a very tiny Reach Your Potential seminar. Adam says, "It's extremely important for me to win this one." He has accurately ascertained his position, I think. He insists, of course, that he's determined to "put up a fight." In honor of Candice! Or maybe Parvati! As they walk off toward the challenge, Adam is kind of hangdogging it at the back of the pack, like he already feels defeated. I notice at this point that he is extremely tall. I can't believe he appeared in anything with Eric Nies, whom I would think he would dwarf completely. Maybe I just think of Eric as short because of his personality.
Okay, so...the challenge takes place on this course that has eight stations surrounding a circle in the middle. Getting around between the stations and the center requires you to do all kinds of different obstacles, including a crawl-through, walking on planks, and so forth. It's basically a ropes course, and at each of the eight stations, you pick up a bag of puzzle pieces. When you're done, you put the puzzle together. Jeff informs the contestants that, in thirteen seasons, this is the hardest puzzle ever. I originally thought it was Adam who said, "Oh, man," like a puzzle is the single thing he was hoping most frantically would not happen, but it's actually Ozzy. It was funnier, and more inadvertently self-aware, when it was Adam. I prefer moments when people accidentally insult themselves to moments where they go for the false modesty.
Ready? Go! Interestingly, Ozzy falls behind at the beginning here, and Yul surges into the lead. However, they're all starting at different stations, so it's really hard to conclude anything about what's happening. Ozzy eventually surges and gets ahead, but you'll notice that Yul and Ozzy wind up fairly close to each other. So in this lengthy and physical part of the challenge that would seem custom-made for Ozzy, he and Yul finish in a strikingly similar length of time. In fact, Ozzy doesn't even have his bags untied when Yul returns with his. Of course, Yul would have every reason to go all-out on this challenge, because Adam is right on his heels. If you accept some of what Yul said later -- that while he might well not have been able to beat Ozzy at anything anyway, his goal was always to stay right behind Ozzy in case Ozzy fell or something -- then it makes sense that he would never have let up in this challenge, because Adam was close. Obviously, they really didn't want Adam to get it and wind up in front of the jury at the end. So Ozzy, Yul, and Adam are all working on the puzzle. The best part is where Adam hammers on the puzzle with his fist, like that's going to make it fit. (Miss Alli's Mom: "Come on! Hit it, Adam! Hit it harder!") Everyone works and works, and the first to finish the puzzle is...oh yes, it's Ozzy. So Adam is...out of luck, in a big way. Ozzy gets the necklace again. Tribal council tonight, and somebody goes home.
As I threw myself into an overly analytical and probably wrongheaded dissection of the consequences of all this, just as I usually do, I wondered whether it was actually really lucky for Yul that Ozzy won immunity here instead of Yul, in addition to it being lucky that Adam didn't win. If Yul had won immunity here, there would be huge temptation to boot Ozzy. Huge. And Becky'd admitted already that she had it on her mind. Suppose Becky decided to push this, and she got together with Yul, and he went along, and they got together with Adam and booted Ozzy? Then look at the F4, and look at Adam with a one in four chance at winning immunity and getting in front of the jury. How would Adam do on that final challenge they're going to have later? I mean, he probably wouldn't win, but...I don't think we know. Of course, this is the problem they created by booting Jonathan instead of Adam, and if Yul had won immunity here, I think it would do nothing but hurt his chances of winning the money, not that he could have entirely understood this at the time. But not that I would put it past him to have understood it, either.
Back at camp, Ozzy tells us that he feels really good about winning the challenge. "Now, the competition is ourselves," he says. He says that he sees Yul as the biggest competition. He just wants to win two more immunities and get his spot in F2. The Aitu four are chatting, and Yul is partly just happy that there are only two nights left. Yul tells us that he's very glad the Aitu four are going to be the final four, and he's also glad he has the Idol Formerly Known As Hidden, because that should get him to F3. "I have maneuvered myself into a very good position," he says. He's hoping things won't get "ugly." "Guys, congratulations," Yul tells the Aitus. "Finally did it." "Black, brown, and yellow power!" Sundra says, with a sort of sarcastic "fuck Mark Burnett, but nevertheless" kind of attitude, which is basically how I feel about it also. Adam rests in the shelter. He tells us in an interview that Yul is "in control of the game." Struggling to make himself feel like he did something of value here, he says he'd like to get the idol away from Yul "just to stir it up" as he's on his way out. So he likes Yul, but not as much as he likes feeling important.
So, as Yul, Becky, and Sundra sun themselves elsewhere, Adam approaches Ozzy and asks him what he thinks about getting rid of the idol as Adam is leaving. Basically, Adam's plan is that he, Ozzy, and Sundra would vote for Yul. Meanwhile, Yul and Becky would vote for Adam. So Adam would still go home, and Yul would lose the idol, and they'd all go into F4 even. It's actually...well, it's something they should, in theory, consider. It would seem to be difficult for Yul even to argue they shouldn't do it -- why shouldn't they all go in on even ground? Isn't that the most "fair" thing? Ozzy is very noncommittal, and in an interview, he refers to this as an instance of "weird thoughts" coming out in camp. Of course, he's in a tricky spot, because he's already a target, and if he makes trouble, then if he fails to win what he assumes are the two immunities, he won't stand a chance even more. Later, Adam floats this same plan with Sundra, telling her, "I'm going home, but I'll stir it up." Sundra admits in an interview that she's conflicted, in a way, about how hard it will be to get past Yul to F2. It feels, though, like it's plucked from an interview in which it's entirely a qualifier -- "Sure, I feel conflicted, but I'm not voting against Yul." Adam tells us he's interested in whether this "last-ditch effort" will work. "Who knows what's in store?" he wonders. Oh, I think I know, at least in the short term.
Tribal council. When the jury is seated, Nate enters with a cane. I don't know what's up with that, exactly, but I wouldn't be surprised if he stole it from some alleged hipster whose style he admires. Parvati is hella made up, as you would expect. Adam makes goo-goo eyes at her, much as he used to with Candice. Oh, Adam. You cheap date. Jeff starts off by asking Ozzy whether anything has happened that would change Adam's situation. "Um, no," Ozzy says plainly, with a hint of a smile. Ozzy says the only thing that would have helped Adam was individual immunity. "So, just so I'm clear, Adam's done," Jeff says. "Yes, Jeff, I think I'm done," Adam breaks in. He says that he had a chance to win himself immunity and came up short, and since the Aitus have "blinders on," and are determined to get to the final four together, there's not much he can do.
Jeff asks Becky how the game will change after this vote. Becky says that she thinks the rest of the Aitus will fight a lot harder in challenges, at which Candice rolls her eyes grandly for reasons known only to her. Becky says they've been "letting Ozzy win for [them]," and now that's not going to work, so much. Jeff tells Becky that this is "interesting," because she's talked about the ethics of the game, and now she's admitting that they let Ozzy take the challenges, and that they're "riding Ozzy's coattails." As I have explained many times before, it is mathematically demonstrable that there are no coattails in Survivor, but I wouldn't expect Jeff Probst of all people to understand this. Becky says that Ozzy has certainly helped them, but she "wouldn't say 'riding on' him." Nate, Jenny, and Candice all smile smugly. I have to wonder what they think is being accomplished here. I keep wanting to bonk them on the head with a rolled-up newspaper, like, "YOU STILL LOST." It's like they're the kids who tried out for the play and didn't get in the cast, and now they're sitting in the audience on opening night giggling about how lame it is. It's somewhat transparent, as charades go. Jeff asks Ozzy what he thinks of this "riding coattails" business, and Ozzy says, "For me, I don't care." He says that he wants to win, and that he doesn't really care about the rest of it. Adam busts in again to cast a few more stones: "It is true, Ozzy's job is to win challenges. Yul is more of the guy behind everything, and...I'm not sure what these two do." Candice and Parvati chuckle, because mockery of people who are nicer than you and don't need to care what you think is a tradition going back centuries, not to mention grade levels. Furthermore, Candice and Parvati would never sit around and not do anything. "They're boring people, that's for sure," Adam adds, of Becky and Sundra, angry that neither of them ever flipped when he told them to. "And they don't like to take risks at all, but it's worked out for 'em." In other words, "They just want to do the things most likely to get them safely to the final four, and I guess they're getting to the final four, so [golf clap]." He is so stupid. Candice and Parvati continue snort-laughing, because their favorite sport is watching while the big galoot insults and dismisses the women who beat him out. I have to wonder what it is about "they're boring people" that's quite this hilarious. It's not witty, so they're purely laughing at it like, "Oh, SNAP!," and I have to wonder, since when is "you're boring" worthy of that kind of reaction?
Jeff asks Adam whether he tried to "work any magic," as if Adam knows the expression "work magic" in ways that wouldn't involve removing his pants. Adam talks about his efforts to get the idol out, which were perhaps not "magic," but at least weren't saying "huh-huh." Jeff wants to know from Becky why she would leave the idol in the game. He points out that, after tonight, Yul will have immunity time, and Ozzy will probably have immunity from whatever the challenge is (let's not kid ourselves), so it's going to come down to Becky and Sundra. Why not make a move? Becky says that, for her, "it's not the right time for [the idol] to come out." Adam pipes up again, claiming that Becky is saying this because she wants Yul to protect her with the idol time if he should win immunity himself. Adam insists that the two women have just ridden Yul here, so maybe they both think that if Yul wins immunity, he'll give one of them the idol. I don't think Sundra could possibly think Yul will give her the idol to force the elimination of Becky, but I certainly think Becky has it on her mind. So that's, like...half a point for Adam? Bringing him to a total of...half a point?
Yul makes the mistake of opening his trap at this juncture when he completely shouldn't, saying that he thinks maybe the reason the rest of the team doesn't want to knock the idol out is that the tribe has worked together and had cooperation, and...I think he's actually quite sincere in this, but it can't help sounding completely self-serving and ridiculous coming out of his particular mouth. Fortunately, as much of a forehead-slapping moment it is for anyone who likes Yul, Parvati's extravagant, troll-like, mouth-distorting "oh, please" face immediately snaps the sympathy right back to his side. She's like one of those girls on Top Model who has to be told not to intentionally do ugly things with her face. Dear Parvati: You don't look good snorty. Love, Miss Alli.
Finally, it is voting time, so here we go. Because Ozzy is keeping the necklace, you can't vote for Ozzy. Ozzy votes. Becky votes. Adam votes. Yul votes. Sundra votes. When they are all seated, Jeff goes to "tally." The suspense, it is not killing me. The first vote is for Adam. Then "Yule." Then Adam. Adam. That's it! Bye! Someone makes the decision to insert a reaction shot of Candice, which winds up falling flat, since no one is being made fun of right now, so she looks completely uninterested in the proceedings. Adam is snuffed, and he walks off. Jeff points out that the Aitu four have done "what seemed impossible." But now, everything's going to change: "You're going to have to turn on each other." Well, let's just see if that happens. Jeff sends Aitu back to camp. Adam's final words are...surprisingly lucid, as he congratulates the Aitus and says he wishes them well. He comes up with the sentiment "You beat us fair and square," and he doesn't qualify it with anything, so...it's sort of shocking, but I think he gets the decent-exit point. Point and a half! Not counting deductions!
When we get back from commercials, it is Night 37 at Aitutonga. The tribe is returning, and they are, of course, ridiculously happy about making it to F4 together. They are literally hooting and hollering as they return to camp. It's one great big lovefest, and Sundra talks in an interview about how their successes together are just awesome for her: "We managed to eliminate eight Raro members." And...I have to agree with her that, when you put it that way, it does sound pretty good. It's not easy to bump off eight consecutive people without losing one of yours. The Pagonging that Pagonging was originally named for involved four people bumping off six people, not eight, so even Hatch didn't really do this, and he didn't operate in an environment where it was clearly, obviously four on six almost the entire time. (Yeah, there are some differences, when the merge was, blah blah -- go with me here.) Anyway, they all just kind of keep yelling and moaning and grunting with joy, and it's pretty funny, because you can tell that some of these people have really been holding on tight to their emotions, and this is just a huge moment of cathartic release for them. Yul chooses this moment to note in an interview that the winner is going to be a minority community member. He can't help noticing and pointing out that this really powerful group is made up of a mix of folks from the different minority tribes. You can tell as he says it that he knows it's almost too obvious and corny, but that he thinks it should be said anyway, because it happens to be true. He smiles a little wryly as he calls their success "a great morality tale." He is so cute, because he knows how dopey it is, but he feels obligated to go with it.
Aitutonga, Day 38. Ozzy tells us that he got up before dawn, noticing that it's his second to last morning -- or maybe even his last. He says he wanted "to relish the experience," adding that getting this far is "a feat," and that he wanted to "enjoy this beautiful sunrise." Becky and Yul bring back the day's treemail, as Ozzy and Sundra bring back the morning coconuts. Yul sits down to read the treemail, with Becky and Sundra to him and Ozzy standing to Becky. They're all really happy when Yul says that they're all going together to the March of Dead Survivors. You'll recall that is often a treat reserved only for the F3, so they're thrilled that they can all enjoy it together. While the rest of us enjoy a tasty beverage or make a phone call. ["Set up the ironing board, yo." -- Wing Chun] Sundra almost cries. It's really interesting: these people have a serious, no-shit bond. You can tell from their reactions to this -- the way Becky reaches out her hand and puts it around Ozzy's knee, and the way Sundra puts her hand on Yul's shoulder. But at the end, Yul reads about following the path to the "final immunity challenge," and it's like he can hear the record scratch and nobody else does at first. Because...there are four people left. Why is there only one immunity challenge? As Yul explains, this threw everyone for a bit of a loop. They all share a group hug. Again in an interview, Becky talks about how happy they were to get to share this whole experience together. I'm surprised they feel so attached to this particular ritual, but they obviously are sincere. They all paddle off toward the appointed island.
And...here we go. Sundra is like, "Sekou...he had a lot of energy." And that's it. Because...it was a couple of days, you know? And what you always politely recall about people you barely know who are loud is "lots of energy." Sekou himself says that he didn't mean to be all leader-y, but that he was forced to "step up to the plate," a comment the editors illustrate with a shot of him lying down. Hee.
Billy! Billy says that he was "a dream chaser, and not some player." I don't know what that means, but I like him, so I don't care.
is Cecilia, who Ozzy calls "the Peruvian princess." She tells us that she's always avoided risk, so this was cool for her.
"J.P., you big stud," Sundra remarks. J.P. says that the game is "brutal." And you can't relax for a minute -- especially not the way he relaxes in this one shot where he looks like he's waiting to be served a peeled grape.
Stephannie tells us that her mind wasn't "completely there." No kidding.
Cao Boi repeats his theory that Asian people suck, basically. But he still trusts them. Or something. It's kind of hard to understand.
Cristina is called a "tough cookie" by Ozzy. She says that being a cop makes it harder to play the game, because she doesn't want to "step over someone." Yes, cops never do that.
JessiFlicka says that she's even stronger than she thought she was. She insists that she has "the right attitude." I always love the ones who are like, "It was a major learning experience, and what I learned is that I am very wonderful."
Brad tells us that the best part was being "outside of [his] comfort zone," and that "it was the best and worst experience of [his] life."
Rebecca agrees with Flicka that being on the show proved to her how strong she is. I think that, among her lessons, she could probably also count "might wear a bigger bathing suit time, maybe."
Jenny says that she "doubted [her]self," but that she also discovered her strength. That is deep.
Nate says that he "had a lot of fun." He's a "city cat," but he made it anyway. Explaining what he learned from the game, he says, "In life, I'm going with what I feel inside." I honestly have no idea what that means at all, but he didn't say what I was hoping for, which was that he learned that he needs to turn in his slang for some new material.
Candice says that she's "a very competitive person," and that she wants to be "in there." She claims that, with Adam, "what you see is what you get." That, I will most definitely go along with. Also true of a potato. Or a ping-pong ball.
When they get to Jonathan, Ozzy says -- quite obviously sincerely -- "Thank you, Jonathan. Thank you, thank you." And really, I will say this: if you like this ending at all, you should say the same. If you're happy that little Aitu knocked off big mean Raro and wasn't simply devoured itself along the road to, like, a Candice/Parvati F2? You should thank Jonathan. Jonathan gets a lot of the credit, in part because he looked around, realized he was going to lose, and chose the people he would prefer to see win. It's a huge part of the reason we are where we are, and I thank him, too. Jonathan says, "I had so much fun out here, I can't begin to tell you." Aw! He considers getting to Day 33 a fine showing for "a forty-four-year-old Jew in Survivor." He also reveals that he lost thirty pounds in the time he was on the show: "I feel like the guy my wife married," he says as we watch them smooch again. They are my new America's Sweethearts.
Parvati says she figured for a while that her awesome flirting skills would let her run the game. But it didn't really work out that way, and yet, she thinks she "shocked a few people" by turning out to be so...great? I guess.
Finally, Adam says that he's "frustrated," but that "you can't change the past."
The Aitu four climb up and put all the torches on a fire pit. Burn! Burn! They all hold hands. I think they're actually reflecting, y'all. They're putting entirely too much meaning in the meaningless ritual. We fade out on this surprisingly affecting scene, which...kind of worked, in spite of how dumb it is. It's upsetting and weird. Seeing this kind of bonding on Survivor between people who actually like each other is kind of wrong, like watching real married people in porn.
After commercials, we come to the challenge locale. What you have here are four tall perches high above the water. Every fifteen minutes, you will remove a piece of your perch by pulling on a rope. Each perch is proportional to the size of the person's feet, so every person has the same chance, theoretically. Jeff goes on to explain that the last person standing has immunity, which is extra-important, because -- get this -- the F3, not the F2, are going before the jury, so this is all there is, challenge-wise.
Everyone stands on his or her perch. And...it's on. Yul takes, from the beginning, the strategy of crouching rather than standing. Ozzy makes mouth noises. After fifteen minutes, the first section is removed. After thirty minutes, the second section is removed. After forty-five minutes, the third section goes, and Becky goes in the water. But hey, everybody lasted at least forty-five minutes. It could have been worse. Becky climbs out of the water to wait on a platform. It's interesting to contemplate what Yul has to gain by winning. I suspect his reason for staying in is to try to save Becky, and/or to keep immunity away from Ozzy and get him out, not that those things aren't related. We see Ozzy bobble just a little. Those perches have gotten pretty small.
After one hour, the last piece is removed, leaving the remaining contestants a section that, as Jeff keeps pointing out, is less than half the size of a postcard. So they are standing on the end of a pole now, basically, and that's going to hurt your feet. So Ozzy is standing, Sundra is standing, and Yul is still crouched. Sundra is mostly on one foot. Ozzy comes very, very close to falling off.
Shortly after Jeff Probst does a round of "doesn't this hurt?" questioning, Yul makes the fateful decision to try to stand up out of his squat. It doesn't work, and he falls. ["It's like doing lunges, man! Never adjust your stance, that brings pain!" -- Wing Chun] As Yul gets up on the platform where Becky is already waiting, he reaches over, all, "Sorry, dude," and I think you can tell that he did want to give her immunity.
So now, it's down to Ozzy and a surprisingly resilient Sundra. Ozzy keeps bobbling and bobbling. We get up to two hours, meaning that they've been standing for an hour on the tiny platform. They stand, and they stand, and they stand, and every once in a while, someone has a balance check, but nothing is happening. Two and a half hours. At one point, Sundra starts to wobble, and then she just seems to let her legs buckle, and she jumps in the water. I think her legs partly just gave out. She had most of her weight on one foot at a time, and if you have a sadistic trainer (um, I "suspect"), you know that this can be a very, very painful thing if you do it long enough. So once again, Ozzy has immunity, and as we expected, it is the two women who are at risk of being sent home at F4. Tribal council later, where the last person will be eliminated before the final tribal council.
We come back. Aitu is returning to camp, and Ozzy and Sundra are teasing back and forth about how close he was to falling and how much she wanted him to give her a break for once. Ozzy says he's "so pumped," and talks about how "stunned" he was about how well Sundra did. Sundra says that she was fantasizing about how great it would have been to shock everyone by walking in with immunity, and tells Yul and Becky, "It all comes to a head in a couple hours." In an interview, Yul recaps that it's going to be Sundra or Becky, kind of unavoidably. Yul and Ozzy have a talk in which Yul basically admits that he's not voting against Becky, and Ozzy says that he doesn't want to cast a deciding vote -- in this case, against Sundra. He wonders if it isn't just fairer to have the women fight it out as a tie. Also: girls fighting each other is hott. Ozzy says in an interview that they've really tried to be fair, so it seems kind of fitting that their run would end with a tiebreaker, rather than some other solution.
In the shelter, Yul and Becky have a chat. You might even call it a fateful chat. He tells her that he thinks it's going to come down to a tie. And what's more, he will give her the immunity idol if she wants. This would basically mean he's completely trusting Becky (because all she'd have to do is spill to Ozzy and Sundra, and they could get rid of Yul, which would be very appealing before the final vote), and he's hoping nobody finds out that he could theoretically be voted out. Becky interviews that she thinks the jury would not look kindly on the "sneak attack" business of surreptitiously exchanging the idol. She says that the safety is appealing, though, so it's a "hard choice." It's interesting to contemplate that, at this point, she really doesn't seem to understand what this is going to look like to the jury. Of course...not everything that's going to potentially affect the jury has happened yet.
Later, Sundra asks Ozzy what's up. He tells her he's not casting any deciding votes, so he thinks the fairest thing is a tiebreaker. Yul repeats in an interview the business about how he could, of course, choose to save Becky, but that it would mean risk for himself. Sundra and Yul are around camp together when she looks over at Yul and asks for reassurance that there won't be "surprises at tribal." He tells her that...there won't be. Sundra also asks whether Becky asked Yul for the idol, and Yul -- truthfully -- tells her that Becky didn't ask for the idol. I think this is where he might later admit to some splitting of hairs, because that is a fine one, indeed. Yul tells us that he's had to make a lot of compromises, but that he's been basically faithful to his friendship with Becky the entire time. And on that basis, he thinks he "might have to give her the idol." The tribe pushes the boat into the water as Yul says he just "hope[s] to God things work out."
Tribal council. The tribe sits, and the jury enters. The jury looks very surprised to hear that three people will be going to the final tribal council. Jeff reviews: Yul and Ozzy are, it seems, not going to be voted out. So we are down to Becky and Sundra. Jeff asks Sundra how she feels now about the decisions at last tribal council, presumably referring to the business Adam brought up about getting rid of the idol versus not. Sundra says that not getting the idol out was "a risk." She adds that she always had worries, but that she can live with them and so forth. I think she's the closest here to thinking she might be a real sucker for staying with this alliance up to this point, but she almost doesn't mind, because she likes the people and she can live with her choices.
Jeff asks whether, back at camp, they discussed who was most deserving in terms of who might get voted off. Ozzy says that he immediately said he thought it should be a tie. He explains that he's voting against Becky, Yul's voting against Sundra, and then the chips, they will fall. Jeff asks Yul about the fact that he might be able to give away the idol without anybody's knowing it. Yul answers that he knew this was a possibility, but that they all came up with another way to handle it that they feel good about, so it wasn't necessary. Jeff asks Sundra about the fact that Yul might just be lying about not giving it to anyone. Sundra agrees, and says that she of course had that thought: "If he does that, that's on him." That is literally the most you are going to hear in this two-hour finale of the final four exalting their morals or ethics above everyone else's. No kidding. And that's about the mildest case of that on this show that you're ever going to see. ["But her very economical remark is right, of course; if he did that, it would make both Yul and Becky look like dicks for ending the nice Aitu story arc in such an ugly way, and would hand the victory to Ozzy for sure." -- Wing Chun] Jeff asks Becky whether she thought maybe Yul would give her the idol. She says that it did occur to her, because they're close and everything, but that if she accepted it, she thinks that might look bad to the jury. Jeff asks Yul what's going through his mind. Yul says that his initial impression about playing with "integrity" was, he now realizes, totally naïve. He adds, though, that he tries to "stay true to certain things," including "loyalty to the people [he] came here with."
So. Time for voting. Ozzy votes. Becky votes for Sundra. Sundra votes for Becky. Yul votes. And then, it is time to read votes. Becky. Sundra. Becky. Sundra. Dun-dun-duuuun! Does anyone have the hidden immunity idol? Sundra does not. Becky? There is a long pause, but Becky...does not. So this will be a tiebreaker, and it will involve making fire. There have been no dramatic changes in which the tiebreaker involves the best embodiment of ethnic stereotypes, surprisingly enough.
Sundra and Becky arrange themselves at their fire-making stations. They each have flint and steel, coconut husks, and wood. They have to build a fire high enough to burn through the rope. And...go! Tense music! Who will win? Becky and Sundra both carefully break up sticks and build little fire structures. They surround them with coconut husks. And now, they start to strike their flints to get flames. "Who will get the first flame?" Jeff wonders. Strike-strike-strike! Strike-strike-strike! This goes on for...a while, while the music plays tightly, until finally, Sundra gives this little chuckle, like, "Um, sorry." Becky looks around, equally embarrassed.
And then we cut back, and the caption reads, "Elapsed Time: 30 Minutes." Oh. Oh, boy. And they're still trying to get a flame going. Jeff Probst is sitting with his arms crossed, looking on disapprovingly. We look at the jury members, all of whom are sitting there with various bored expressions on their faces. The women keep working. Jeff Probst sits with his head in his hand. Brad begins to, uh, doze off.
And then: Elapsed Time: 1 Hour." Oh, NO. This is like watching my dog try to catch bugs. Jonathan and Adam yawn simultaneously as Parvati looks miserable. Candice yawns, "Come on." Now, the music has turned into the silly little bumbling-crooks music from, say, Home Alone. Ozzy has his head in his hands with his fingers covering his face. Ozzy cannot bear to look. Yul is bent over in misery, unable to hold up his head. "All right, stop right where you're at," Probst says coldly. And then there's this brilliant pause, and he says, "We're going to go to matches." Sundra and Becky both giggle in embarrassment. Resolved: The time something isn't going well for you and you're realizing it's time to go to Plan B, your comment is, "We're going to go to matches."
So Sundra and Becky start again. At first, Becky can't even get her match going. Her MATCH. She is now failing Girl Scouts. Sundra gets a ball of fire, but she can't keep it lit. Both the women have respectable wood pyramids, but neither fire will stay lit. They keep striking matches and starting again. Ozzy puts his head in his hands again.
So now, it's an hour and thirty minutes down. Think about how long that is. Ninety minutes of watching two ladies not start a fire. (Dwight: "Sundra and Becky didn't start the fii-yaaaah!") ["I really wished someone on the jury would steal over, grab some coconut husk, and hold it up to his or her chin, so the camera could cut to him or her looking like they'd been there long enough to grow beards." -- Wing Chun] Jeff says that "after thirty-eight days out here, you should both know how to make fire." Yeah. I think I...would agree with that. On the one hand, I understand that you might get a case of nerves and not be able to do it, but on the other hand? It is an hour and a half. (My best friend: "We're going to aerosol cans and blowtorches." ["Glark: 'Now the competition is for you to ring your bell with your hand.'" -- Wing Chun])
Becky and Sundra both take apart their structures and start over. But now, Sundra sadly holds up her box of matches and says that she is out. So she...she ran out a box of matches. That is not good news. She just has to watch as Becky builds a little fire. Unless Becky runs out of matches as well, Sundra is going to be done. Becky works on her fire, and it finally gets going. Finally, the challenge ends, and Sundra and Becky hug. So Sundra is going to the jury, and Becky is going to the final three. Sundra gets snuffed. She turns and blows kisses, saying, "Love you," and then she leaves. Aw. Nice lady. Jeff tells the F3 that they've done all they can, and now, it's all about the jury. Sundra's parting words are predictably graceful, and she says that one of the remaining three is going to win a million dollars, and had better take her out to dinner. Again: aw!
When we return, it is the morning of Day 39 at Aitutonga. Becky, Yul, and Ozzy are toasting themselves with coconuts. Ozzy tells us in Spanish that it's incredible to be here on Day 39. And...I'm not doubting him, but honestly, I know that much Spanish. He tells us that he has to pinch himself regularly just so he's sure he's not imagining this entire thing. The three of them enjoy the sunrise together. Becky says that she has "mixed feelings" (heh), and that she's surprised she made it through the fire challenge. I think we're surprised that any of us made it through that challenge, lady. She also says she's proud that she didn't succumb to "the temptation" to take the idol. She says she thinks the jury will ask her about whether she just rode other people to the end, so she's hoping that not taking that offer will help. She says she's proud of the "social game" she's played.
After another interlude in which adorable fish are put on display, Ozzy is sitting on the beach relaxing when a couple of women paddle up in a boat. Ozzy calls for Yul. They are both overjoyed to see, when the boat comes ashore, that it is filled with food. Yul and Ozzy hug. And then they holler, "BEEEECKYYYY!" Because Becky is off wandering. The women leave, and Yul drops to his knees and bows down to the food. Hee. He and Ozzy want to dive in, but they decide to wait for Becky. Now that's dedication. They then holler in unison: "BEEECKYYYY!" Ozzy interviews that he found it "a little symbolic" that he and Yul were the ones to actually receive the feast. Which...eh. I mean, Ozzy was lying around when it arrived, so it's not like Becky missed it because she was a lazy-ass and they were digging a well. Ozzy goes on to say that he thinks the jury vote is going to be between him and Yul. He doesn't think Becky will get any votes, particularly after the hideous display of fire-making non-prowess.
As it happens, the boys give up and start eating without Becky, so Ozzy has to yell for her with his mouth full. She hustles back when she realizes that there's food, and she's literally squealing, which is kind of cute. She runs back and leaps into Yul's embrace. Aw. Wouldn't we all. Yul talks about how great it is to close out the game with Becky after he started it with her such a long time ago. Yul tells us that "a really good friend is worth more than a million dollars." Amen to that. They all eat as Yul voices over that he did try to play with some integrity, but that he "failed in a lot of respects." I don't know about that, really. And then he says, "Hopefully, people won't hold it against me that I beat them." HA HA HA! Oh, Yul, you're adorable. If only we lived in that pretty, pretty world.
As he and the other two finalists get ready to leave for the final tribal council, Ozzy says that he has "pride," and he's representing Mexico. (Mexico: "What?") He thinks he has "broken a lot of stereotypes." He also says that he's "a surfer up against two lawyers," and it was right there when I started to figure Ozzy was going to win. That's a jury-friendly argument right there. He says he's hoping his actions will "speak for themselves." He's just hoping his dream will "take a step into reality." I think we could all stand to do that, frankly.
Tribal council. Bring in the final jury! Brad. Rebecca. Jenny. Nate (still hobbling). Candice. Jonathan. Parvati. Adam. Sundra. Sundra looks incredibly shiny, like she was just sprayed with baby oil. Jeff gives his speech again about how the jury has all the power now. Everybody gets to make an opening statement, and then we will have questions. ("YOU SUCK!")
Yul makes his opening statement. He says that he "wanted to play a certain way," and then his argument for himself is basically that he thinks he did more than anyone to affect the overall course of the game. I think that maybe, of these three people, that's right, but the single decision that changed this entire season, of course, was Jonathan's. Yul essentially argues that he brought an entire alliance to F4 and F3. He thinks it's not coincidental that his alliances have tended to have power -- he thinks his play has something to do with that. He also doesn't deny that he had to do some lying and manipulating to get himself to where he needed to be. He adds, however, that he was loyal to those who were loyal to him, and that he'd appreciate a vote. For once, he doesn't try too hard and paint himself into any horrible corners. He sidesteps quite a few land mines, and probably strikes about the right balance between taking credit/blame for what everybody knows he did, and not sucking up in an unseemly fashion as if he's sorry for things everyone knows he does not actually regret.
Becky is . She says she knew she wouldn't be strongest, so she knew it would be a "social game" for her, and she formed the alliances she did very carefully. She says she thinks she was fair and honest, and was "true to [her] character." She's dead meat.
Ozzy says that he was "the underdog" all along, and that his position was very tenuous, but that he just kept going. He stresses that he provided for people, and he won challenges. He also says he never hid his light under a bushel -- he "embraced" all the parts of the game. That's a decent argument for himself, all things considered.
up: jury questions! Jury questions!
Nate is called on first, and as soon as Probst calls on him, Nate says, "Snap!" before he even stands up. So. Lame. Nate announces that, first, he wants to deliver "props." Nate explains that he sees Yul as a "godfather" who kind of ran everything and played really hard. Or, as Nate says, the "big gangster boss." Nate sees Ozzy, on the other hand, as the "warrior." So he wants to know from Ozzy how Ozzy thinks he played strategically better than Yul. Rather surprisingly, Ozzy chooses, as his moment of great strategic thinking, the throwing of the challenge to get rid of Billy. Of course, what's weird about this is that nobody here was there for it or cares about it, so they have no ability to appreciate what he's saying. Nor are they likely to think throwing a challenge is a very good idea, considering that...it isn't. Ozzy also claims that he pretended to be a dumb surfer, which I never saw any sign of, personally, and which I do not believe. What Ozzy presented himself to be was Guy Who Wants You To Know He's No Dumb Surfer. Like, he would completely open with the fact that he reads books. It's who that guy is, precisely. Nate's final question is to Becky, of whom he asks, essentially, why he would ever vote for her. It's uncomfortable, because it's what all these people are thinking. Becky tells him that she was right with Yul the entire time, and that they decided everything together. Jeff asks Nate whether he's satisfied, and Nate says he isn't. He says that he's "being real," and "real"-wise, he's not satisfied with that answer. Nate wants to know if Becky's claiming she was the boss. She says she's claiming there wasn't a single boss; Becky says that they relied on each other. And here, Becky potentially puts a knife right in Yul's heart for precisely his act of generosity toward her, when she announces that Yul offered her the idol and she didn't take it. I was surprised that wasn't more controversial, because he kind of denied the other night that that happened, and having tried to save Becky and oust Sundra makes him look like the whole "we all love each other equally" thing was a big lie. Becky really, really put him in jeopardy based specifically on a selfless act of friendship extended to her, and I kind of...didn't like her for it, I admit. I also don't think she's going to get much credit for this anyway. ["Well, no. There's no way she can make it look good: some people might think less of Yul for not giving it to her, but more would think less of her for not wanting the victory enough to take it. All those people on the jury would be thinking of how much they wish they'd been in a position to take the idol from Yul, and that Becky threw it away and therefore doesn't deserve to win on that basis alone." -- Wing Chun]
Jenny steps up . She asks Yul what's more important -- physical or "strategical" stuff. Yul says that, for him, it was strategy. Furthermore, he was happy to have Ozzy look like an enormous target by being the physical powerhouse that he was. Yul says the ultimate outcome is that his whole group made F4, so what's not to like about that?
Parvati congratulates the F3 and directs her question to "Beckers." Oh, shut up. She talks about Becky declining the idol, but adds, however, that Becky's "sitting between giants," so why should she win? Becky says that she wouldn't have been "proud" if she had taken the idol, and that she's "not a sneaky person." She says she wants to win in a way she's proud of. I'm not sure she answered the question even a little bit. You should win because you're not sneaky? You're going to make this argument to Parvati?
Rebecca directs her remarks to Yul and Ozzy. She explains that she's torn between the two of them. Yul was strategically dominant; Ozzy was physically dominant. Rebecca wants each of them to tell her something she doesn't know that will help her make up her mind. Yul decides to go with the social angle, saying that one of the reasons he wanted to be on the show was underrepresentation of minorities in media, and that they were mostly caricatures. He wanted people to see Asian-American men as they are, and if he wins, he wants to be a spokesperson for greater representation. Ozzy is in a very difficult position, and he elects to go with the flow. I don't think this is what he would have said, but it's not like he can say, "Frankly, I do not care what people think about minorities, but I want you to know I washed your shirt this one time." He says he also wants to change stereotypes of Mexicans. He thinks that by dominating in many ways, he's changing the understanding of what is to be a Mexican." He, too, promises to be a positive role model for kids and "change the world a little bit." I don't think that helped much.
Adam gets up and says that he thinks the Aitu four are "painfully boring" at tribal council, so he wants them to "get to the point." Specifically, he orders Ozzy to "talk trash" about Yul and Becky. This struck me as really fucked-up and ugly. "I'll give you my vote if you shit-talk your friends." That's just...what's his point? Is he this desperate to destroy people's friendships just because he isn't included? Is that the problem? Yul laughs hysterically, and I think he's assuming Adam is just being a dork, but I really found this very uncomfortable, like bullies who try to turn one nerd on another because they can't stand people having friendships that are more abiding than the ones they have. Ozzy chooses to say that Yul "didn't work as hard as he could" at times; Becky was "riding on coattails," and Ozzy also calls her out on the fire-making. But really, it's not very much "trash." I was glad Ozzy didn't bite. Adam, on the other hand, bites a lot.
Candice's question is for Yul. She tells him that, when he's asked questions, she thinks he dances around and tries not to answer, so she's going to ask him a yes or no question, and if he says anything other than "yes" or "no," she won't vote for him. Ugh. I really can't stand her. Yul good-naturedly agrees. Here is her question: "My impression is that you have been shamelessly working this jury. Is that true?" Of course, as could have been suspected, it's a trick question, because if he agrees that he's working the jury but doesn't feel like it's "shameless," then there's no answer that will please her, and if he follows her instructions, he can't clarify that yes, he worked the jury, but no, he doesn't feel it was shameless. Basically, Candice is offering Yul two things and making him either agree with both or deny both. It's a totally unfair question, which is how she's designed it. Candice is a horrible social bully, as seen with her famous "you're a rat and nobody likes you" bullshit, and all she's trying to do here is amuse her friends on the jury and be able to say later that she outsmarted Yul, who is smarter than she is, so what's the point? Well, the point is making yourself feel briefly better, as it so often is. Yul thinks and thinks about his answer, and then he says, "Yes." Because he followed her rules and didn't give her the opportunity to slam him, she decides to slam him some more, by sarcastically saying, "Thank you -- that was tough for you, I know." Because it sounds like she's continuing to talk to him and she pauses like he's supposed to answer, Yul tells her, "Well, 'shamelessly' is --" And she's all, "No, no!" And then she makes with the princessy and displeased face, saying that Yul "broke the rules," so now maybe he won't get the money. Seriously, she is about two inches from saying, "My question is that I'm going to sit here and accuse you of twenty false things in a row, and you can't defend yourself, and if you do, I won't vote for you." I hate her. HATE. I mean, I didn't hear the part where she said he couldn't speak ever again, as opposed to providing a yes or no answer to the question. She specifically conversed with him about the fact that he had difficulty answering the question, and because she seemed to have brought it up, he started to explain why. She's just...well, as stated, she's a terrible bully.
Brad is . He congratulates everyone, and then tells Ozzy that he barely knows him, and wants to know what the most challenging experience of Ozzy's life was. Ozzy says that it was his non-relationship with his father, who "can't be around," so Ozzy has had to make all the effort to know his family in Mexico. He starts to cry, and it's all very moving, but it feels kind of artificial. Becky and Yul reach over to pat him on the shoulder. I was disappointed that Brad asked that, because it sets up that Queen For A Day contest in which you don't win if you haven't had enough bad things happen to you. Having bad things happen to you does not mean you are a superior person, of course, which is what I don't like about this.
Sundra gets up and is very happy. She asks the finalists what they've discovered about themselves or life in general. Ozzy says "pure love." He says that there's nothing but your mind, soul, and body, and Mother Nature, and unconditional love, and loving and sharing, and even though he says he doesn't want to sound like a hippie, he exactly does. Becky is , and she says that when she first got here, she kept asking what time it was, because she's very wedded to time and schedules, and being free of that was really something. Surprisingly, Yul says that what he learned is self-confidence. It's kind of hard to look at that dude and think that he frequently doubts himself...unless you've known a lot of guys who were nerds when they were younger, in which case it's not hard at all. Jonathan looks like he cannot believe it, but I personally do believe it. Yul says that he had a lot of "anxieties" about all this, and that he believes in himself more now. Sundra says that it was great to play with them, and she loves them. And she wishes them good luck.
And now, Jonathan. He stands up and congratulates the group, and then starts his questions with Yul. He calls him "brilliant" and very "polite," but then points out that "polite" is related to "politic." He says, in fact, that maybe Yul will run for office one day. And then his voice starts to get really bitter as he wants to know, on behalf of future constituents, how it's consistent with Yul's integrity to tell "half-truths, which are also half-lies." It's very...odd. It caught me off-guard when I first heard it, definitely. But here's Yul's answer, which is so good that I have to quote the whole thing: "I think what you've said is absolutely true. I've done a lot of deceiving in this game, a lot of manipulation, but...Survivor is a game, obviously. Everyone here came into the game knowing what the game was about. If I was outside this game, I would never do this to unsuspecting people. Look, I have the ability and I have the technique to manipulate people, but if you look at the overall game, I've stayed true to the original people that I made alliances with. Anyway, I hope that answers your question." Yul's just awesome. They never get that guy on this show. This is why I'm never against recruitment of contestants. What you get if you use only people who actively apply is a combination made up only of people who decide to go out and apply for Survivor. They got Yul because they went beyond that to people who probably don't think of themselves as people who would want to be on Survivor unless it sort of falls on them. It's a myth that if you don't recruit, and you use only applicants, you get awesome and down-to-earth people. If you don't recruit and you use only applicants, what you get is people who desperately want to be on television, which does not foster "diversity," ethnic or any other kind. Now, Jonathan turns to Ozzy, telling him that he's obviously capable of superhuman feats in challenges. He's "extraordinarily talented" in those things. But occasionally, Jonathan has found Ozzy entitled and arrogant. Me too. Jonathan's not sure he wants to give a million bucks to "a twenty-five-year-old kid" he thinks has entitlement issues. Frankly, I think the age thing is irrelevant and the entitlement issues are the bigger problem, but okay. Jonathan wants to hear how giving Ozzy the money will make Ozzy a better person and make the world better. Ozzy says that if he had a million dollars, he'd go back to school. He says that he'd love to "try and change the world for the better." Jonathan sits down. That was a BS answer, but I think it's about what he was expecting.
So now, the jury has to think about things, and then there will be voting.
When we come back, it's time for the jury to vote. You write down the name of the person you want to win. Brad votes. Jonathan votes for Yul, who he says "outplayed you all." Candice votes. Nate votes. Rebecca votes. Sundra votes. Jenny votes. Adam votes. Parvati votes for Ozzy: "The fire that you've brought to this game completely captivated me." Oh my God, she is trying to sleep with him right now. She is hitting on him in her vote. Zoiks.
Jeff goes off to tally, and when he returns, of course, he says that he will not be reading the votes now. He will be reading them after we return to the U.S. Jeff walks off, and then he walks a little more, and then he's walking right into the live show. That has become so anticlimactic, dude. Whither the jetski? There is mad cheering. We are in Hollywood! Jeff says it's a great welcome, and opens by saying that it was an awesomely fun season, and I do agree with that. When we see the F3, though...boy. Yul looks awesome. Becky looks awesome. Ozzy looks...like Michael Hutchence, only a woman. ["The consensus in our house was Joey Lawrence, with extra lip gloss." -- Wing Chun] It is very strange. His hair is longer, and more...blown out? I don't even know. And the F3 are all holding hands. There are nine votes, so it takes five, at most, to win. (Could be less if they split three ways.)
First vote: Yul. Second vote: Ozzy. Third: Yul. Fourth: Yul. Fifth: "Ozzie." Sixth: Ozzy. Seventh: Ozzy. Eighth: Yul.
So we are tied. It is 4-4, with one vote left. It will decide the result, unless it is a vote for Becky. Jeff looks at the vote, and he says it is not for Becky.
And the winner is...Yul.
Holy shit! This never happens, ever. The person I love doesn't win Survivor. It's like the world is tilting on its axis. Yul and Ozzy hug, and it does not appear fake, at least to me. Yul hugs Becky, and then he heads out to find his family. Hugs all around! The rest of the Survivors, all forgotten until now, file out, and Jeff tells us that, when we return, we will discuss the diverse cast and the crazy season. So stay tuned, because the celebration of bizarre normalcy is not yet over.