The season gets off to a weirdly abrupt start as nineteen people (one bolted just before filming started, apparently) land on a beach together. They receive a box, which several studly dudes try to open by dropping giant rocks on top of it, and it comes open only when Yau Man, a genial older gentleman, drops the box onto the rock. It seems like a metaphor for something. The group is instructed to build a fancy-pants shelter with a toilet and a kitchen and all kinds of neat stuff, and they're all pretty confused, but why argue, right? When Jeff finally gets them all together, he pulls out Sylvia, who has emerged as the bossypants "leader" of the first episode in the great tradition of many early-exiting contestants. Sylvia divides everyone into two tribes, and then she heads off to Exile Island, not to return until after the first tribal council, when she will join whichever tribe loses a member. And the fancy-pants shelter will belong only to the team that wins. The other team will be sent off to live on a horrible, empty beach, with nothing but a pot and a machete. You know the drill. The first challenge goes to Moto, a tribe including a lawyer named Alex, someone named Boo, a guy who rather hatefully calls himself "Dreamz" (yes, with a "z"), Gary The Minnesotan, and a bunch of other people. The losing tribe is Ravu, a tribe including a B-Rob wannabe who will be calling himself "Rocky" owing to a not-entirely-imaginary resemblance to Stallone; a very negative lady named Erica; Nick Verreos's sister Rita, and a bunch of other people. Rocky seems to think that he and two women he expects to be able to control can run the show, but it turns out that pulling that move is harder than it looks, and one of his chosen women, Jessica, is the one everyone else wants to get rid of. It turns out that three people cannot, as Erica suggests at one point, dominate a nine-person tribe, so Jessica is excused, mostly because it's very early, and she didn't do very well on the first puzzle. She is shocked to get booted, probably in part because Rocky assured her that it wouldn't happen. Because he can't count, apparently.
The Jeff Probst Seaplane Of Branded Virility drifts over your basic Expanse Of Blue Water, and then we cut to this strange-looking tableau featuring a peak with a perch in the background, and a giant skull in the foreground. Television, you see, is here to eat your brain and leave nothing but the bones. The seaplane, it turns out, is flying over a boat that contains -- aha! -- the season's castaways. Or "survivors." Or whatever you want to call them instead of "people teetering on the brink of unemployment, unless they have tenure." Inside the plane, we join Jeff "Fourteenth Verse, Same As The First" Probst, who tells us that we are in the Fiji Islands, and of course, this area is known for cannibalism. But the problem is that Jeff always claims that wherever they're going, there have been cannibals. I think Burnett is at risk here of becoming The Boy Who Cried This Season We Will Poach Someone In His Own Gravy. What I love is that when they discuss cannibalism, they show a (probably fake) skeleton, but it's propped up, like the guy died sitting up, and they just baked him and carved him like that. Also, there are bats. Bats! As we watch a shark actually eat a fish (awesome shot), Jeff says that the islands are spectacular and lush and threatening and all the things that make for a great season. Supposedly. Jeff calls the contestants an "Xtreme cross-section" (my spelling, courtesy of the influence of the awesome Monster Energy Pipeline Pro, which I recently attended, because I am nothing if not a connoisseur of energy drinks and surfing) of society. A "former homeless street performer"! A Harvard lawyer! They know nothing about what's going to happen! In fact, Jeff explains, one person quit right when things were about to start. Good job on the psych screenings, geniuses. I guess not everybody is cut out for three weeks of sand in her crotch. At any rate, Exile Island has returned, and this time, it has sea snakes! Which may or may not be bad for you (Jeff claims they're "deadly"), but they're good on camera. Another change: there are two hidden immunity idols this time. As usual, we get a lot of close-ups of skulls. Somebody associated with this show has a real thing for skulls. Like, a real thing. A "cornering the market on prop skulls" thing. A "scary basement" thing. "Thirty-nine days, nineteen people, one survivor!" Jeff yells out of the plane in his usual swooping fashion. So, right. "Nineteen people." That would be a cast of twenty, minus the quitter, whom Jeff Probst probably has on his endless shit list, alongside Osten.
We move directly to the landing of the boats on a beach, where people begin to climb out. There is some high-fiving, and then there's a part where the captions show one guy saying, "Hey, what's up, man?" to another. I love that. What if they hadn't captioned that, and all we had seen was the greeting and the low-five? You'd miss all the nuance. Edgardo ("Ad Executive"), who is very cute, explains that he was surprised that all nineteen of them were together at the beginning. He was expecting a Probst appearance that was not immediately forthcoming. This would normally be good news, of course, but I guess here, it was not. An older Asian gentleman introduces himself as Yau Man. The young dude he's talking to introduces himself as Boo. If you're thinking that perhaps you didn't need a fellow by the name of Boo, I will tell you that this is The Season Of Nicknames That Grate, and this is just the beginning. Of course, if any show needs a guy named Boo, it's probably this show, because nowhere else on television is there such an intense need for someone who can rescue a ham in trouble.
Someone notes that one of the non-Boo young dudes looks a bit like Sylvester Stallone. In an interview, a bartender already captioned "Rocky" explains that they call him "Stallone" where he works, because of...well, the resemblance. Which is quite real. He does look like a relative. His real name is James, and he has a strong Boston accent, but somehow it's kind of not the good kind. It's the punk kind, but I might just be saying that because I know what's to come, and because hearing a Boston accent on this show makes me want to ban myself and crawl in a hole until it's over. Everyone decides that the step is to "walk around." Nice. I guess this is what happens when you don't give them a task. "Durrr...maybe we should walk around, ya think?" Boo ("Construction Worker") says that they were all just happy to be there. He's pretty cute also, Boo, if you like that kind of thing. And if being Mrs. Boo wouldn't bother you. (Or of course "Mr. Boo." But then you'd have to sing the song. ("I'm Mister Boo...[wah-wah-oooooo].") Before long, the group comes across its apparent water source, so they start filling up. Presumably, they are aware that this water will need boiling before they can drink it. I will point out that "Rocky" has "Boston" tattooed on his arm, making two "Boston" tattoos in three seasons, which is fairly surprising. It kind of seems to me that planting your city name on your arm is a little weak, you know? It's like walking around with "Go Mets!" on your ass. It's just...pedestrian. Anyway, after finding water, they all come across a big cave that seems promising in terms of shelter. Anthony ("Expert Witness Locator") says that the cave was a "blessing." Not only that, but somebody locates a lemon tree, which will be great once they find the stash of tea leaves. There are bananas, too. Fruit, fruit, everywhere!
And then...oh, and then. We meet a young man who says that his real name is Andre, and his caption says that he's a cheerleading coach. And what does he call himself? "Dreamz." WITH A "Z." The thought process behind this: "I should be named something...like...like DREAMS! Except...except with a Z!" It just mystifies me. He tells the rest of the group that he's a natural "Fujian," and then decides he doesn't mean to pledge allegiance to any particular camera, so he changes it to "Fijian." He tells us that "Dreamz" is "a name of strive [sic] and achievement." It's also a name of making my spellcheck constantly go, "Really?" The irony, of course, is that literal use of names to try to dictate how things turn out never works very well. Princess winds up being the name of a stripper, and William The Magnificent is generally a king who beheaded puppies. Dreamz and Earl ("Ad Executive") and a couple of other folks scale a peak enough to look out over Fiji and decide that it's attractive. Earl tells us that this stage is a lot like "buying a new house" and wanting to see everything: "This is our house." What he doesn't realize is that it's going to be like being in a house with eighteen of your relatives. Not the good ones, either.
Back at camp, Cassandra ("College Administrator") sheepishly explains that her only experience with the outdoors took her less than fifty feet off the road, so she's kind of out of her element. So...she only leaves the car for peeing, I guess. She says that she only likes coconut when it comes from the grocery store. Yeah, everything totally tastes better in a plastic tub instead of hanging on a tree. Yau Man is in the process of telling Cassandra that eating coconut without any tools is "a test of patience." It's good to know that he's up for a test of patience, certainly, considering some of the people he's apparently going to be living with. He promises Cassandra, though, that it's totally worth it. She asks whether he's actually ever made it into a coconut without something to chop it with, and he confirms that he has -- he grew up on the island of Borneo, which has similar vegetation. That should be handy. Yau Man ("Computer Engineer") tells us that he's definitely trying to make a point to the rest of the group, because it's not like he isn't aware that the old dude always goes out early. It's like seeing the famous Star Trek redshirted ensign try to learn several languages so that they have to keep him around. I also like the fact that Yau Man uses the expression "booted off." He says that he can be helpful and useful with coconut and stuff, so he's hoping that will help. We return to a group shot at camp, where Yau Man casually spears a coconut to open it and then passes it around. That'll make you popular.
Anthony and an unnamed white guy with his back to the camera discuss what they're thinking. Anthony is finding it hard to understand how they're going to wind up being divided, and the guy he's talking to -- aha! He turned around. And...actually, I still don't know who it is. Edgardo, I think. Anyway, Anthony interviews that they were looking for clues like a pot or a flag or something, but that they had nothing at all. He calls it "incredibly overwhelming" with this many people. I agree! I barely know his name! He also says that they kept looking around for Probst, which sort of brings new meaning to "any port in a storm." And then, as if in a dream, a seaplane flies overhead, and Jeff Probst is hanging out the side, carrying a big crate. He drops it out, and it parachutes down. A collection of castaways hops into the boat to paddle out and get it.
The crate eventually makes it back to the beach in the boat. Cassandra says that everyone was, of course, imagining what they wanted to see in the box -- machete, fire, whatever. The obstacle, naturally, is opening the crate. Rocky, predictably, grabs the crate and sets it on a rock, and the group gamely begins chanting his name. He and another guy (I'm just not up on them yet) pick up a giant rock and drop it directly on the crate, which utterly fails to open it. Edgardo talks about how dumb it was that the big strong guys all started pounding the thing with heavy rocks. Which...yeah. And then Yau Man walks over, picks up the crate, and smacks the crate onto a rock on its corner a couple of times, at which point it pops open. Everyone cheers. "It took a real man to do it, see?" says Earl (I think), patting Yau Man on the back. As patronizing as that sort of is, it's still funny. Because: exactly. Yau Man thinks it's pretty obvious -- "simple physics" says that the corner is going to be the crate's weakest point. He has a very, very generous definition of "simple," as far as what he should expect other people on his tribe to understand.
As the tribe investigates the contents of the box, they pull out a set of instructions. Basically, the instructions explain that they will follow the map to a stash of lumber and supplies, and that they're supposed to follow a map to their beach, where they must follow enclosed plans to build a camp. They're surprised to see that the plans indicate a toilet with a seat. That's kind of the first clue that something unusual is going on. They also have a flint to start fire. "Your future in the game depends on successfully completing this task," reads the note. Anthony interviews that they all were a little taken aback to be told to build a shelter that includes a toilet and a kitchen. Alex ("Attorney"), seeing the glass half-empty as his license to practice requires, says his first thought was that "this is awesome," but his second thought was "something very cruel is going to happen very soon." Heh. Good thinking. Although I have to say, I doubt it will be cruel enough for my tastes. In other news, Alex is cute, but should have cut his hair before he came.
After the commercials, the tribe finds its way to the location of the giant pile of wood. But not only is there wood -- there's a whole variety of stuff that will go into the shelter. There are shingles for the roof and so forth, and they're all mighty surprised by that. They find a pot, a bunch of tools, paints, ropes...it's basically a free-for-all of stuff that they would never normally have access to on this show. There's also quite a bit of food, including basmati rice, which...you know, you might eat on purpose in real life. Rocky, in an interview, explains again, in case you missed it, that they had a toilet seat. They pick up the provisions and head back down the hill. Erica ("Non-Profit Fundraiser," which I swear to God I thought said "Non-Profit Fun Drainer," which seemed kind of appropriate) says that she was very surprised, as everyone was, by all this stuff, so she was kind of anticipating some kind of "curveball." If I didn't know better, I'd think these people are smart enough to realize that they're probably not going to live in luxury without interruption for thirty-nine days.
Sylvia ("Architect") takes some charge of the construction of the shelter once they get back to camp, and while I guess she'd have an advantage in reading and understanding the plans, and she's probably a good spatial thinker and stuff, I'm not sure her skills are exactly what's required. It's like...she's concept and this is execution, right? Anyway. They figure out that the shelter goes right by the cave they discovered earlier, and there's a kitchen, bathroom, blah bling blah. What follows is a sequence right out of almost every first episode of this show ever, and every episode of The Apprentice ever, where one person -- here, it's Sylvia -- starts taking charge and being bossy and annoying people, who fix her with glares while she barks a series of orders, apparently unaware that this is how people go home early. Gary ("School Bus Driver") (and, although it doesn't say this, "Minnesotan") interviews that Sylvia seemed to be trying to dominate the situation, and he sort of thinks that they should all be working together a little more as equals. Sylvia announces, as to one of the posts, "I feel that this guy is a little bit askew, but oh, well." Rocky doesn't know what "askew" means, and he does a little routine about how they'll have to explain the big words to the dumb guy. And...okay, but "askew" is really not a big word, you know? "Askew" is kind of a small, rather common word, really. Sylvia tells him it's "an architectural term," which...I mean, I guess, in the same way "crooked" is an architectural term. I wish she'd just said, "It means it's not square." But she doesn't, so Rocky asks, "What's 'ascoot' mean?" Okay, "ascoot" is inherently funny, and I will begin using it immediately. I'm not sure what for quite yet, but I don't think it really matters. ("The whole thing was a little bit...ascoot.") The definition Sylvia offers is, "It means not orthogonal." There are two reasons this is funny. First of all, I would believe she used "askew" in passing, but you'll never convince me that she thought Rocky would know what "orthogonal" meant, so she's just showing herself up to be a snot by using it. Second of all, she pronounced it "orthaaaagonal," and it's "orthogonal." So she thinks there's an "a" in the middle there, which there isn't, and that's the risk there. Finally, Sylvia decides to stop being cute, and says, "Ninety degrees, not ninety degrees." Now why would she not have just said it that way from the beginning? Well, because she's being like that on purpose, you see.
Given the fact that they have flint, it's not that surprising that they do manage to get a fire going. Edgardo says that everybody at the beginning was clearly trying to prove they could do their share of the work, but as the day wore on and the work kept up, some people clearly started talking to each other. We watch as Erica has a chat with...Jessica, I guess? Erica interviews that, indeed, she went around to get herself started with strategy, which...before you know about tribes, that's pretty hard to do. As Erica and Jessica talk, they decide that they'll team up, and they agree that they need "a guy."
Back at camp, the fire has led to water-boiling, and Dreamz is complaining that the water is too hot to drink. Others do not agree. I've always thought that it would be one of my rules, if I were on this show (meaning it were an alternate universe), that I would never complain about anything that's equally bad for everyone else. Such as, in this case, the hot water they're trying to drink. Sylvia interviews that she was concerned about the progress (or lack thereof) on the shelter, and indeed, we see that night that the roof didn't get done, so they are hiding from the rain under a few blankets, which is not looking like it's very much fun. Sylvia chooses a very wet moment to ask everyone about getting the roof on tomorrow morning, which comes off just a bit too "nyah nyah" for comfort.
The morning (Day 2!), Anthony is chopping wood, and explains that the night was not very pleasant with no roof and a half-finished shelter. Yau Man asks Erica to hustle up a group to bring the rest of the material down from the top of the hill, which they apparently didn't yesterday. As they work, Yau Man gives Earl a cup, and then gives him some tea, which I'm assuming is water strained with lemons and...maybe some other things Yau Man thinks will make a tea. I doubt it's very good, but it's still...a nice touch. Trying to offer people something restorative is a kind gesture, irrespective of the quality of what you can offer. Earl tells Yau Man that he's the Professor of Gilligan's Island. Hee hee. I think I like them both. Jessica ("Fashion Stylist") interviews that being together as a whole group of nineteen has forced everybody to bond in these first couple of days, which she appears to think is a good thing. Rita ("Single Mom") (really? Is that her whole hook?) interviews that they're all "getting to know each other." Well, that does sound exciting. Michelle ("Student") echoes what absolutely everyone else keeps saying by waxing rhapsodic about the shelter, the toilet, blah blah blah. "It's really surprising to have so much on Day 2," she says. Gee, that hadn't occurred to me yet, except for the four billion mentions of it so far. "Dreamz" (I just can't type that without ironic quotation marks yet; maybe later) eats some rice and calls Stacy "Lucy," and this is the first time I realize that there is someone named "Stacy" involved. You can tell I'm a little overwhelmed too. Jessica interviews that, for her, at this point, it's little more than a "Fiji vacation," but wisely adds, "I'm scared about what's coming." The group hangs up a "Home Sweet Home" sign, and they all applaud themselves. "Dreamz" then gives this big acceptance speech, which is...kind of in jest and kind of not? I don't know. I think he's one of those guys who sees the turning of the earth as a salute to how inspirational he is. In an interview, "Dreamz" says that he was a homeless child. It's very sad, how he says he lived at the soup kitchen and so forth. I kind of hate myself for wondering at this point, considering events that are to come, whether he wound up in the back of the soup kitchen after he got thrown out of everywhere else for incessantly talking. (I'm just speculating! I hate poverty! And I love children! And cheerleaders!) Right now, "Dreamz" is finding the surroundings at camp pretty cushy, all things considered.
On Night 2, someone whose identity is obscured by darkness is teasing "Dreamz" about his name. And "Dreamz" hears someone say something, and he sits up and says, "Who said that? Who said that? Was that a Chinese person that said that?" Oh, this will be good. I certainly hope that he continues this line of questioning throughout the season. I think everything said by anyone should be followed by an immediate quiz regarding the ethnicity of the person who said it. Maybe they could color-code the subtitles. "Dreamz" goes on to say that his idea is to be "playful" so that everyone is absolutely forced to "notice that [he's] present." In other words, his goal is to do the opposite of what, particularly early on, makes for a good player on this show. I mean...honestly. The idea is not to stand out, and you don't need to strive to figure that much out. Along these same lines, we go back to the tent, where one of the women is asking "Dreamz" to please chill out so that everyone can get some sleep. He responds that every time he's asked to shut up, "it just adds fuel to [his] fire." So...let me get this straight. The guy is keeping everyone awake, it's the second night, and his announcement of choice is "No matter how much you politely ask me to shut up, I never will"? Great strategy!
Rocky interviews that it was like there was an explosion of spazzitude right when it was bedtime. We go back to night-vision, and "Dreamz" suddenly asks all the white people to raise their hands. So now he's..."CenzuzTaker"? He demands to know Rocky's ethnic background, and for some reason, instead of punching him, Rocky says, "I'm Italian, Irish, and Spanish." (And many of us go, "Yyyyyep.") It appears as though Rocky actually pulls "Dreamz" out of the little tent for a chat, at which point Rocky tells the kid that he's being ridiculous, talking way too much, and already driving everyone crazy. A crab actually runs away from this conversation, like, "Okay, this is too annoying, even for me, and I'm going to beat it, because if I get riled up, I will pinch a bitch." "Dreamz" insists that he doesn't yell at people. All evidence to the contrary, I guess. Yelling ensues, in which "Dreamz" decides that he's being "belittled," and Rocky insists that's not the issue. Rocky interviews after the fact that he doesn't like it when his feelings show (sniffle!), so he was frustrated about yelling at "Dreamz." "What am I supposed to do?" Rocky wonders aloud. What indeed?
When we return from commercials, it's Day 3, and the sun appears hot, and we are looking at a challenge beach of some sort, and at a cowboy-hatted Jeff Probst. Man, I hope he doesn't intend to wear that thing all season. That is not for everyone, that look, Notalong Cassidy. All nineteen castaways file onto the beach in one big mob. Jeff asks Jessica, because she's young and hot and looks a little like his girlfriend, to run down what happened in the first few minutes after they landed on the beach. She reports that it looked like a beach party, so Jeff moves on to someone more interesting: Yau Man, who tells the story of opening the crate and finding the plans for the Super Shelter. He leaves out the part where he had to open the box before Rocky broke everything inside it by dropping rocks on it. Jeff turns the story over to Alex, asking him whether there was a leader in building the shelter. Alex says that Sylvia's status as an architect pretty much singled her out as a leader in this particular thing. Jeff begins to focus on Sylvia, talking about how she "stepped up to be the leader," and this is the part where Sylvia should realize that this is not necessarily a good thing. She doesn't seem to realize it. When the rest of the tribe happily agrees with this assessment, because most of them know enough not to want to stand out, Jeff calls Sylvia over. She is assigned the task of dividing the other eighteen people into two tribes. Of course, they wisely don't tell her what happens after that, so she doesn't have the chance to create one great tribe and one terrible one, or anything like that. She doesn't get any guidelines at all, as far as splitting men and women -- it's just a matter of putting nine people on each team.
We wind up, after a long and kind of boring sequence -- it's hard to know what Sylvia should be doing strategically, so what she actually does isn't that fascinating -- we wind up with two tribes. Rita, Michelle, Erica, Jessica, Rocky, Earl, Yau Man (whom Sylvia calls "Wow Man"), Anthony, and Mookie are on one team, while Cassandra, Liliana, Stacy, Lisi, "Dreamz," Boo, Gary, Alex (whom Sylvia calls "the sexy guy in the green tank top," which clearly embarrasses him), and Edgardo are on the other. Oh, and we learn that they already call Gary "Papa Smurf." Oh, dear. People from the Midwest get no respect. In other news, the green team is Moto, and the orange team is Ravu. At least they'll be able to spell those on the flags, probably. Buffs are handed around, and then Sylvia gets the bad news: she's not on a tribe at this point, so she's going to Exile Island. But when she gets back, she'll join whichever tribe loses someone at this challenge. The up side is that she'll get a clue about a hidden immunity idol; the other up side is that she doesn't have to go to tribal council. The down side: sea snakes. Lots and lots of sea snakes, Probst promises. There's another down side, too, but we'll get to that. The rest of the folks give Sylvia a lot of "stay strong" talk, even though they don't mean it and kind of hope the snakes eat her. She leaves for Exile Island.
When Sylvia has gone, Jeff explains that this challenge will involve racing in wheeled chariots. Two people on each team will ride, and seven will pull. Along the way, the riders will have to stop and untie three dangling bags of puzzle pieces. At the end, you grab the flag and come back, and then four people put together the puzzle pieces into three puzzles that spell out three numbers that they use to solve a sort of combination lock wheel thing, and if you get it right, then you will pull out a knife tied up in a cloth. Use the knife to chop a rope, and that will raise your tribe flag, and you'll be done. So, chariot race, knot-untying, and puzzle-solving. Got it? Good. Jeff explains that the challenge is, of course, for immunity. But as it turns out, it's also for reward, because the tribe that loses will not be living in the resort they've constructed with the kitchen and toilet. The losing tribe will be living on a have-nothing beach with just a machete and a pot. Old-school, you dig? Jeff does not make clear whether this is a permanent arrangement, or whether it will change week to week, but nobody wants to give up the luxuries they've been enjoying. They're even getting a couch added to the comfy camp. So now it's the Couch Camp.
For Ravu, Michelle and Jessica are riding the chariot. For Moto, it's Lisi and Stacy. And...not to be unkind, but as someone pointed out on the forums, I'm not sure why they put Lisi on the chariot. She's not heavy, but she's not their littlest, I don't think. Survivors ready...go! Stacy winds up pulling down the first puzzle pieces for her team. For the rest of the chariot race until the turn, Moto (green team) is out in front. I find the entire image of human beings pulling a chariot kind of creepy in some way I can't put my finger on, but at least they're generally in it together. The course is a quarter-mile long, too, so this isn't just up one little jog and back -- it's a decent amount of time to drag two people on a chariot, and it makes people tired. The teams grab their flags and turn around. On the way back, a stumble of unknown origin causes Moto to stop abruptly, allowing Ravu to pass them. Moto is suddenly out of energy, so they're behind by the time they get back to the puzzle. Puzzle-solving begins. The Ravu solvers seem completely overwhelmed by the task, and seem to panic more and more as they feel their initial advantage over Moto evaporating. Jessica keeps whimpering about how they're doing, which is when I would have just shoved her out of the way, because she's going to be no help at this point. Ultimately, Moto gets its puzzles solved first, so they're on to the combination. The knife is right where they expect it to be, and Moto manages to chop the rope and raise the flag. Moto wins immunity, and Moto will stay at Couch Camp. Moto is all smiles -- fire, gifts, hammocks, and so forth. Ravu is sent off to a different beach, where they will have nothing, and where they'll have to decide whom to vote off at tribal council later. Not a good day to be a Ravuan. Voting yes; toilet no.
When we return from commercials, we are at Moto on Day 3, making the rare visit post-challenge with the team that actually won. Of course, in this case, we have to see Couch Camp, and specifically the Couch. Alex interviews that the first win is an enormous thing for them, in terms of morale. They sit around and lounge, and they pop open a trunk full of dishes, glasses, silver, hammocks...pretty much everything a weenie needs to camp out in the wilderness. "Dreamz" continues bugging the shit out of everyone by talking about how they're living all "fancy" and so forth. Lisi says that it was great to get immunity, return to the camp they loved, and have such a good tribe. Except for "Dreamz." She didn't say that, but I'm saying it. Lisi goes on to note that it's ironic (and it kind of is!) that Sylvia was the big builder, and that she's stuck out with the snakes. It does kind of seem like Sylvia got a raw deal, because she was going to the non-Couch-Camp tribe, no matter who won. That's kind of...a harsh punishment for leading the tribe on building the shelter. Sylvia had no chance at Couch Camp at all.
Speaking of which, we now watch Sylvia getting off her little boat at Exile Island, reminding us of the warning she received about sea snakes. Indeed, there do seem to be quite a few of those around. She says she thought maybe there weren't really that many sea snakes, but they look to be kind of everywhere, although editing can be very deceiving in this way. Slowly, Sylvia makes her way up a hill, and then up to a tower, where she's supposedly going to find a clue to the location of the hidden idol. When she finally opens the wooden box containing the clue, however, it says, "Here you won't find the idol you crave. Search back at your camp if you hope to be saved." So now, there isn't even a search on the island to watch. It's pretty much going to be snakes and interpretive clue-reading every single week. That should be scintillating. You know how I love the poetry. Sylvia's like, "Whatever," and takes the clue. She spends about ten seconds describing what we just watched, which seems more than a little pointless, and then she takes a moment to stare out at Fiji and note in her mind that it's pretty, and that she should think about something besides the snakes. She interviews that finding an opportunity to search at camp on her own won't be easy. There is a snake crawling around her tower, but either Sylvia doesn't see it or it isn't there at the same time she is. I have to say, I would be pretty uncomfortable on an island with deadly snakes that can scale towers.
Ravu. Nobody's very chipper as they pull their boat up on the beach. Earl tells us that all their work up to this point was basically lost -- not just the shelter-building, but learning the lay of the land and so forth. They're really back at square one, which is true. They do find a cave here, too, and Rocky insistently hollers, "Awesome. This is awesome!" I think he's sort of trying to make it awesome by force of will, the way you do with a bad relationship. They all decide to look on the bright side, except for Erica, who interviews that she was pissed off about not going home: "I'm pissed off and I can't believe nobody else is." She's kind of missing the point, to say the least. Again: no complaining when other people are equally bad off, right? As Rita interviews, they really need to figure out what they're supposed to do , not to mention how they're going to vote.
Rocky and Erica have a whispery conversation in which he says that they need to figure out what they're doing about the vote. In a truly great moment, he says very seriously, "Smell me, or what?" I sort of can't believe he actually said that as a real element of sneakiness. Erica confirms that she does indeed smell him, and he patronizes, "Don't get sad." She explains that she's not sad, she's thinking. Rocky: "Me, you, and Jess, we'll figure it out, yeah?" He just wants to know if you smell him, Erica! Do you? DO YOU? DO YOU SMELL HIM? Erica explains in an interview that she, Jessica, and Rocky are "really tight," so they should probably have no trouble running over everybody else, since they do have an alliance of three in a group of nine, and one of their three was one of the main challenge-droppers. [Crickets.] "We can swing the whole thing," she says. She so smells Rocky.
Rocky has a chat with Earl and Jessica, in which he says that, "obviously, it has to be a girl." In one sense, I guess I know what he's saying, since bulk matters, and a lot of their women are small, and they're getting Sylvia , so it kind of makes sense to get rid of someone Sylvia can fill in for, if you see my point. On the other hand, he immediately announces that it can't be Erica or Jessica, so that just leaves Michelle and Rita. "It has to be a girl, but not either of the ones I like" is kind of leaving other people a pretty narrow opportunity to contribute to the discussion. After the boys agree that Michelle (whom they call "Monkey") is too athletic to boot, that leaves just Rita. Earl seems to be going along with the plan at this point. They seem to have a deal as of the time this discussion breaks up. Rocky and Jessica take a walk, and he keeps insisting that he doesn't like getting rid of anyone, but of course...it's a game. As we know. Jessica tells us that she feels so safe, because she knows it's not her, and she knows it could have been her. Because of the puzzle. Darn fool puzzle.
Mookie, Erica, Michelle, and Earl have a talk, in which Mookie tells Erica that he and Michelle, I guess, are thinking of Jessica for the boot. Earl tries to put in for the people he was talking to before, claiming that while Jessica looked weak at the challenge, her puzzle might have been harder. Mookie (paraphrased): "Not."
Elsewhere, Rocky and Jessica are taking a walk, and he asks her for a promise that if he's ever in danger of being voted out, she'll tell him so that he knows. She promises -- because the two of them and Erica are going to swing this whole thing! "You have to, babe, 'cause I'll tell you," says Rocky. He'd never lie to Jessica. He loves the ladies!
Rita talks to Yau Man about the fact that Jessica seems like the right boot. Rather absurdly, Rita says that people think Jessica is "flying under the radar." Um. It is Day 3. You have been a tribe for one day. Who the fuck is flying under the radar on Day 3, to a point where you can detect it? Yeesh. Rita expresses sadness about getting rid of Jessica, and Yau Man says that, from his perspective, they need all those strong young guys. And, of course, he doesn't want votes to go to him.
The debate continues between Earl and Mookie, and Mookie insists that Rita is stronger than Jessica. Anthony has now joined, and is listening. Erica is kind of half-heartedly trying to save Jessica, but wisely, she's not going to go out on a limb for her alliance at this point. Erica interviews that the group decided to boot Jessica, but says that she herself will not be voting for Jessica. Erica then approaches Rocky with the news that Jessica has a problem. Rocky refuses to believe it at first. Challenged to explain where she heard this, Erica basically says that she heard it from everywhere. There's basically consensus, other than Rocky, Erica, and Jessica herself. Rocky looks unhappy, because now he feels un-smelled, and he insists that he won't vote for Jessica. And then, of course, he gets up and goes and tells Jessica that she's on the block, just like he said he would. Oh, wait -- no, he totally doesn't do that.
Later, as everyone packs for tribal council, Earl says that everyone is nervous, because you always know that it could be you. He says that there are "a lot of actors" and "a lot of poker faces" at this particular location right now. I'm with him on the actors, I'll say that.
Tribal council. The members of Ravu all enter and obtain fire on their torches, but one suspects that Jeff is only kidding, and that there will be no free fire. When they're all seated, Jeff asks Michelle's egregious tan/burn lines how frustrated she is about the nine people currently resting comfortably at Couch Camp. Michelle chirps that "it was a frustrating thought at first," but she says they like their new home. Erica makes a "speak for yourself" face. Jeff, bitter at the lack of resentment porn, tells them he's looking forward to hearing what kind of self-delusion they're engaging in. He goes to the right person by asking Erica what about the new island makes up for the loss of the old one. "We have an abundance of coconuts," she says. Everyone laughs, and Jeff says, "Thirty-six days left, that's a lot of coconuts." Earl brings the party down by saying that they have a real problem in that they don't have fire, so they don't have water. He's glad that people are chipper, but he's focusing on the fact that they need to get to work immediately. He clearly is not cut out for this game.
Jeff asks Rocky (whom he calls "James" for the moment) how great an advantage the other tribe has, with water and fire and so forth. Rocky thinks that the advantage is "huge," but he expects his team to rise to the occasion and beat Apollo Creed. Or whatever. Jeff moves on to the matter at hand, asking Erica (again?) what she will rely on in casting a vote tonight, given that they just became a tribe, pretty much. Erica says that they need to concentrate on winning challenges. Jeff takes this opportunity to ask Yau Man whether his old-man bones are feeling the heat here, given that he's in one of the highly bootable demographics. Basically, Yau Man says that for the sake of the challenges, he wants to keep the strong guys, and if everyone thinks like he does, he could be in trouble. His candor strikes me as a weakness, unless it turns out to be a strength. I refuse to commit. Jeff asks Mookie whether the tribe will be better after this booting, and Mookie chooses not to answer the question, instead answering the question he expected to be asked and saying that his vote will be based on whether the person being evicted can be replaced by Sylvia. Asked whether he thinks the person who goes will be surprised, Rocky says yes. Rita looks dubious, and when Jeff asks her whether she'd understand why if she were voted off, and she says she'd be surprised, because she thinks she contributes a lot, but that she'd understand. Mookie answers differently when asked the same question -- he flat-out would not get it. Jessica says that she wouldn't understand either. She would only understand if she'd been "laying [sic] on the beach, getting some sun and just relaxing" or something. I'm not sure how she thinks you're supposed to boot someone if no one is "just relaxing."
Michelle is first to vote. Jessica is , and votes for Rita, saying, "This wasn't my idea." There's a ballsy move. Earl votes, Mookie votes, Erica votes, Anthony votes, Yau Man votes for Jessica ("Sorry...nothing personal here...this is strictly mercenary...I'm trying to stay alive to fight another day"). Rita votes. Rocky votes. Jeff heads off to tally. When he returns, he reads a vote for Mookie. Mookie looks all kinds of surprised. As promised, he doesn't understand. The vote is for Rita. Then Jessica. Then Yau Man. The hell? What kind of a vote is this? Then we get Jessica. And Jessica. And the first person voted out is...Jessica. She picks up her torch and heads over to be snuffed. She looks highly peeved at this development. At this point, Jessica knows she's the only one who voted for Rita, so she knows that her supposed allies allowed this to happen without warning her. I have to say, Jeff's snuffer this year is yooge. It looks like a lampshade. Jessica stomps off. I don't think she understands. When she's gone, Jeff points out the splintered vote, and says that a lot of people will be wondering why they got votes. He also confirms that they cannot take their torches with them, and then he sends them back to camp.
During Jessica's predictable bitter/resigned farewell speech, we see the voting and learn that, basically, Rocky and Erica threw away their votes to Mookie and Yau Man respectively, in order to avoid looking like an alliance while still not breaking their word to Jessica not to vote for her. I'm not sure why Rocky bothered, since he blatantly broke his word to Jessica that he'd tell her if he knew she was being voted off, but he did it anyway. Also, they really need darker markers at tribal council, because the votes are basically impossible to read. It's the details, really, that separate a good production like this.
week: Earl kills a snake. Boo is accident-prone. Mallory gets a new boyfriend. Fonzie dates two girls.