Oh, sure. Make me like Farmer Beavis right when he's leaving. Anyway, the merge is ugly from the start as the six members of Nakum put the four members of Yaxha -- Danni, Gary, Bobby Jon, and Brandon -- on obvious notice that they're going to be Pagonged. Jeff presents a particularly diabolical immunity challenge situation, where you can either participate in the challenge or eat a feast. Cocky Nakum members Steph, Rafe, Jamie, and Lydia all pass up immunity, while Cindy and Judd take the competition, along with Yaxha. Rafe chooses this moment to start getting really serious about his concern that he's allied himself with the "axis of evil." Heh. When Jamie mouths off during the challenge, it appears that a door has opened for Yaxha to recruit a couple of disgruntled Nakumians to rebel. But close only counts in horseshoes, and there isn't quite enough gumption in Rafe and Cindy to turn the tide on Jamie. Thus does the suddenly endearing Farmer Beavis take his leave, leaving an apparently doomed threesome of Bobby Jon, Danni, and Gary behind. Boo!
Previously on I Just Consumed 42 Pounds Of Chocolate...Does My Ankle Look Fat To You?: Yaxha managed to win the mummification reward challenge, but when it came to the puzzle-assembling immunity challenge, they were outmaneuvered and sent back to tribal council. It seemed briefly as though Amy might rally the troops reluctantly to oust Bobby Jon, but her giant ankle and her position on the bad end of the internal Yaxha math sent her packing. When her torch had been snuffed, the remainder of The Little Tribe That Kind Of Couldn't got the news from Jeff that it was time to merge, so they were given new buffs to distribute and sent to live at Camp Nakum. So now, everybody is part of one big tribe. More opportunities for brawling; more opportunities for hating; more opportunities for righteous indignation. Woo! Who will go home ?
Credits. I love how the pictures of Armless Jim are right before the picture of Cindy's ass. Like, "Remember when Jim was around? How everybody still had body fat? Good times."
Night vision. Howlie is doing his best Darth Vader impression, breathing in and out. ("Luuuuke. I am your great-great-great-graaaandfather. How's that for intelligent desiiiiign?") We see, on Night 18 at Camp Nakum, a shirt hanging over a tree branch. No, no, Jamie and Lydia, it's supposed to be a sock on the doorknob. A snake weasels its way down a set of ancient steps. You know how crazy the snakes can get when they start playing Slinky. We see someone sleeping, all headwrapped up, and then we see our little pet mouse, who appears to be sleeping as well. Goodnight moon, goodnight buffoon. Goodnight ancient temple they treat as a spittoon.
As the members of the about-to-be-ex-Yaxha tribe makes their way into camp, we see footage of a crocodile retreating from the shore into the water, which I strongly suspect of being completely apocryphal, but hey, these are the compromises of storytelling. Danni comments quietly to her traveling posse, "Feels really weird walking up this road." Night-vision Danni reminds the camera how, at the end of tribal council, Jeff sent them off to this godforsaken camp, so now they don't know what the hell's going on. The former Yaxha gather for a little talk, and Gary recommends that they act "stupid" when they get there. Yes, Gary: stupid! That's it! Bobby Jon thinks they should just act like they're glad to be there. Gary adds, "We're servants. We're gonna serve 'em." And then they put their hands together for a very quiet team cheer. See, I don't think I would have gone in belly-up like that. I think you go in assuming that all deals are now up in the air. You go in like you present an opportunity for anyone at Nakum who wants a better deal to get one. Why go in like you assume you're on the bad end of an inevitable 6-4 arrangement?
Anyway, the ex-Yaxha go trudging into the Nakum camp. Bobby Jon gives an interview in which he explains that going into Nakum was difficult for him for a couple of reasons. "I can't be around Stephenie for more than five minutes without wanting to vomit" -- wow, did we know that animosity had gone that far? -- and "I can't be around Jamie for more than five minutes without wanting to knock him out." Bobby Jon has just proved that his Daily Jamie Allowance is higher than mine is going to be in about an hour from now, because five minutes? Pfft. Now that they've agreed that they will be pitiful, angry, underlings, the members of the former Yaxha make their way into camp.
Nakum gradually wakes up from all the noise, and they want to know what's going on. It dawns on the group that this is the merge, and that they are all going to have to give up their smelly buffs, among other things. Yaxha offers the news that they've just booted Amy, and they explain that Jeff sent them here straight from tribal council. "Merge, baby, merge," Jamie says, because...he's Jamie, and he likes to say "baby," because it makes him think of breasts. Nakum admires the new buffs, and especially admires the fact that they don't smell so bad. Steph sums things up by saying that her "head is, like, spinning." You'd think they might have expected this at any moment, to the point where there would be less spinning of the head, but then...they are who they are. I have a feeling heads spin rather of their own volition among this crew. I assume, by the way, that it is the editing that is denying us Stephenie's repeated expressions of pleasure that after suffering some bad luck last season and some bad luck this season, she has apparently hit a stride that very well may take her to about the final four, current conditions prevailing. I mean, she must be grateful. Otherwise, she would almost fall into that "If I don't have anything griping to say, why say anything at all?" category, and I'm sure that's not the case.
As everyone gathers around the fire and Bobby Jon works on blowing on it to stoke it up (as he's learned to do the hard way), Jamie comes over and announces that there's no room in the shelter for the new people, so they'll have to sleep outside. Wow, it's hard to make a new group of people suffer in ways both Darwinian and Dickensian at the same time, but...here we are. Bobby Jon interviews that his reaction to Jamie's bit about the shelter, at least in his mind, was, "You gonna say one more thing to me, I'm gonna knock every one of your teeth slam outta your head." I have a feeling Bobby Jon's subconscious is a place where a lot of skulls are cracked. I think his psyche is kind of a bad neighborhood, come to think of it.
When morning comes on Day 19, Gary carries a giant log close to the fire. Howlie yawns, and then Jamie yawns, and that is an amusing edit. Because Jamie = monkey, except Jamie is less evolved, and we will learn this a few times this week. Bobby Jon and Brandon haul in wood for the fire like outnumbered little Cinderellys. Jamie is actually mocking their efforts, which...man, he is a tooly tool. Farmer Beavis interviews that as nice as it would be if the tribe were one big happy family, it doesn't work that way. It's good that he noticed, anyway. You don't want to top off futility with delusion, because that is one crazy sandwich. Jamie snorts derisively at Danni as she brings wood for the fire as well. She adds in her interview that Nakum wasn't really very "warm and friendly" when she and her tribe showed up. She adds that the Yaxha members feel like "slaves" because they're all at risk, so they feel like they have to do whatever they can to be kept around. Brandon adds that the truth is that he, Bobby Jon, Gary, and Danni are outnumbered 6-4, so things do not look good, and he suspects that the first likely boot will be either him or Bobby Jon. Apparently, the fact that Bobby Jon does not tend to be an immunity threat in practice doesn't detract from the perception that Bobby Jon should be an immunity threat in theory. He's got big shoulders, right? He ought to be able to win something someday.
Rafe and Lydia go to get the treemail for the day. Lydia mutters something about her hopes for a feast. When they go and retrieve the package, though, there's no food -- just a big basket with a long note inside. Back at camp, Lydia reads to the camp the letter that explains that what they've gotten as their prize for the merge is an individual immunity idol. See, somewhere in the jungle, there's a six-inch-tall immunity idol that's hidden. If you find it, you can hang onto it and produce it -- sounds like only once -- at the tribal council of your choice, prior to the vote. You don't have to tell anyone that you found it. So you can hide it, but I presume you'd better hide it well, because if you hide it and someone finds it, I assume it would be theirs. And if you do find it, it's only good through the vote at F5 -- once you're in F4, it's done. Steph, just because she has "discontented" etched on her face this season, frowns like somebody just threw up on her carpet. Rafe, for no particular reason, re-explains in an interview what was just read out loud in the letter. And then Jamie explains it in another interview, again. Hey, I understand I'm not that bright, but I don't need things explained for me by Jamie.
Hunting for the idol ensues. See, what would kill me about hunting for the idol would be the fact that I wouldn't know if anybody had already found it. If I knew for sure it was out there...hell, I've got nothing better to do. Go out in the woods and look -- that's a huge prize. But if you know it might not be anywhere to be found anymore? That would sap my will to look. Cindy tells us that, used properly, the little thing could almost guarantee F4, and I certainly don't agree with that. Even if you avoid one vote, there are still five other votes prior to F4, so if there's a target on you, it's not actually that much of a life-saver quite yet. Gary hypothesizes to Jamie that it will be "someplace around the temple," and then Gary tells us that if he finds it, he won't be telling anyone. No, he will be tricky about it. He is Gary Hawkins, landscaper with no immunity idol. None! You are thinking of the other Gary. You know, considering what an awesome liar he is, I sort of hope we get to see that covert operation. I suspect that the only thing the rest of the group feels like it knows for sure at this point is that if Gary were to come up with it, they'd know, right? Brandon, ruminating on the search process, says that a person could look for "days and days" and not find the thing. He believes that he's a target at this point himself, so he'd sure like to find it.
It rains. Some look for the idol. Some stay inside the shelter. Bobby Jon and Steph, however, have a little powwow in the woods, kicking it Palau-style. He tells her that while he doesn't think he's more deserving than anyone else, he really, really wants at least to make the jury, so he's asking her not to make him the boot. She tells him that she will "do everything in [her] power," if Brandon doesn't get immunity, to help Bobby Jon to stay another three days and, presumably, at least make the jury. In fact, she says that if she's on the jury, she wants to be on it with Bobby Jon. Maybe she just loves it when people on the jury are "so gay" and "retarded." In an interview, Steph explains what happened with her and Bobby Jon, but when she tells it to us, she says she told Bobby Jon she couldn't "make any promises." My first thought was that she was lying in her confessional, which is maybe the most pointless thing a person can do, pretty much, but I think it's possible that what she's referring to is the "in my power" part where she can't swear that other people will do what she wants, even though my sense is that she sort of can. I don't know. She certainly promised Bobby Jon she'd try, which is at least some kind of a commitment, one would think. Maybe she's forgotten that a lot of times, while she's on the island, someone is filming her.
And then, very briefly, just so it does not remain a complete mystery, we see that the immunity idol is buried in the side of what I believe to be a large, twisted tree.
Aggressive-tongued surprisingly lifelike lizardbot.
It is Day 20, and Lydia wants to know if anyone has come up with a name for the new tribe. Because no one in this group is remotely creative, the best they can come up with is Xhakum, pronounced "sha-KOOM." Ew. It's like we're squeeing over Yaxha and Nakum falling in love, and we're starting our own fansite about them. At least "Chaboga Mogo" sounded like a dance craze. Okay, a dance craze only gaining a foothold at wedding receptions, but still. No one really cares about team unity in this particular group, so designated suckers Rafe and Lydia set out to paint the new tribe flag.
There continues to be idol-hunting. Because unity is fleeting, but being out for number one is forever. Jamie explains that he's looking for the idol simply because he doesn't want anyone on the former Yaxha to find it and screw up the plan. For his part, Bobby Jon feels like his entire group is a bunch of "sitting ducks," so he's been out hunting for the idol every day. The editing sort of suggests that the coatimundi are looking for the idol as well by digging in the dirt, but I kind of doubt it. Coatimundi aren't stupid. Judd announces to Jamie that he's not looking anymore. It's just making him nuts. Well, more nuts, presumably.
In one of those moments where Rafe is both really likable and kind of goofy, he tells us that he really wants to find the idol. But unfortunately, as he puts it, he's "the worst person at finding anything in the world." The words come up on the screen: "Rafe: Wilderness Guide." Hee. Perhaps it takes the form of just saying, "This is...the wilderness. Over here is...more wilderness. Hey, I'm a wilderness guide, not a getting-out-of-the-wilderness guide." Rafe then explains that, while searching, he also put his hand directly into a hornet's nest, and as we see demonstrated on screen, he had to run away as quickly as possible because he was being attacked by hornets. It would have been awesome if they had hidden the immunity idol in the hornet's nest, like, "How bad do you want it, suckers?" Rafe has decided that the attack is the gods' way of telling him he's not meant to have the idol. I think it's the gods' way of telling him to carry Raid, but I tend to be brutal with the toxic chemicals.
Back at camp, Gary is tying some flies so that he can go fishing. Steph grumps about her doubts that they're going to catch any big fish, and then she gripes in an interview that usually, when there's a merge, you get food. And they got no food, but seem to have gotten the individual immunity idol instead. Danni -- who could probably stand to eat as much as anyone, now that you can actually see not only her individual ribs but individual pieces of food moving through her intestines -- explains in an interview that she was used to the happy atmosphere at Yaxha, where everybody got along and was chipper. Here at the new camp, she's discovered that all they do is bitch. She says she was really surprised that, over here, they spent so much time griping about not having food and not having stuff to do. I suppose at her old camp, there wasn't time to complain with all the discussion of sore ankles and Gary's non-football-playing business. So the members of Yaxha decide to take a little fishing trip together. Gary invites everyone, but indeed, only the former Yaxha wind up going out on the boat. Why go fishing when you can stay home and complain about the people who do? As the Yaxha-ians leave, Jamie gloats to the rest of his "alliance" that it's pretty stupid to take yourselves on a trip and leave the majority behind to plot. Right. Because up until now, this group hadn't managed to pull it together and make a plan.
Rafe offers an interview in which he explains that he is becoming uncomfortable with the attitude of his ex-tribe, which seems to be that they can sit around on their asses and make the new people do all the work just because they have the majority. He really doesn't have the constitution for pure evil, is the thing. He's more of a "you guys, would you mind trying to find a card game to play in the dorm lounge that lets everyone participate?" kind of guy. ["Uno!" -- Wing Chun] Meanwhile, as the former Yaxha is getting ready to leave, Farmer Beavis laments the fact that this is like being in prison, in that they have to do the "bitch work" while they get their resources raided. He really should, you know, speak to the ACLU or somebody about whatever prison that is. That really shouldn't happen. Danni notes to the rest of the group that the former Nakum apparently rooted through all of their gear when they got to camp, and didn't even ask Yaxha first. "Like a bunch of pigs," Bobby Jon notes with disgust. I suspect he has a particular pig in mind.
Back at camp, Judd's new career is in the area of experimenting with the purest forms of being a dick just because you can. He suggests that they just decide whoever catches the biggest fish for the group will be the one sent home. In other words, wouldn't it be funny if, just for spite, we fucked somebody over for something they'd feel good about? That would be hilarious.
You know, I wonder if Judd can do math, or if he's realized that at least three of the four of the people he's talking about are, best-case-scenario, on the jury. If one of the people in the current Big Six intends to win the million dollars, then short of winning every single jury vote from the rest of the Nakum alliance, that person is going to need at least one vote from the people they're now tormenting. One would think you might not want to stick out as the biggest asshole of them all. And if you made yourself the one person the former Yaxha would vote for, you would only need one other vote to win. Anyway, everyone laughs at Judd's idea, apparently because spite is about the most fun you can have with your clothes on.
Meanwhile, Rafe interviews that, somewhere around here, he started to wonder, "Am I a member of the Axis of Evil?" And...I'm glad he said that, but what will impress me is when he gets off his ass and bounces a couple of these jerks, if that's the way he feels about it. I mean, whine all you want about lying down with dogs, but once you know they're dogs, either get out of bed or stop complaining that the fleas make you itch.
Meanwhile, Judd and Jamie gabber back at camp about how the former Yaxha will have to catch fish and wake up early and do work and so forth if they want a chance to stay any longer. If you've ever read about the Stanford prison experiment, you know it's no joke that people get really creepy in situations where they have the opportunity to act like this, so it doesn't come as all that much of a surprise. Judd and Jamie are kidding around, but also...not. They're most definitely playing around with the idea of having other people at their mercy, and it's not a happy situation. We return to the Rafe interview, where he talks about how ripping people behind their backs as a way of creating "unity" isn't his favorite thing. I agree with that in principle, even though I would have deprived myself of much hilarity and fun had I been too principled about it over the course of my life.
Around the snitty Nakum group, talk turns to whom to boot, and the decision is that the order will be Brandon, then Bobby Jon, then Danni. Why they'd get rid of Danni before Gary is beyond me, but maybe they just want to send her home for a burger.
Elsewhere, the former Yaxha is enjoying paddling around together, basking in the glory of the day and the richness of their impending demise. Brandon and Bobby Jon talk about how shocked they are that the Nakum folk do nothing all day but bitch and moan. Bobby Jon, for his part, doesn't understand all the talk about eating since, as he puts it, "You ain't gon' eat on Survivor. You ain't -- they ain't never ate on Survivor, you ain't gon' eat on this Survivor, you ain't gon' eat on the Survivor." And...I don't blame people for being hungry, and I'm sure the absence of a feast was very disappointing. But...he kind of has a point about things that happen eleven times in a row. It might be time to start to acclimate yourself, expectations-wise. Bobby Jon goes so far as to say he'd rather head back to their old camp, where things were fun.
Meanwhile, at Camp No-Fun, Jamie gives an interview about how it's time to "protect [their] investment" and boot the former Yaxha. "Investment"?
For his part, out on the boat, Brandon disagrees: "We're awesome, and everybody else sucks." Danni tells the boys they're "the most wonderful people [she's] ever met in [her] life," and Bobby Jon back-atchas. These people are nice and appealing, but I don't love any of them, you know?
Back from a set of commercials, we join the pool party now taking place at the ex-Yaxha pool, which has been brought over to Camp No-Fun. As Steph explains, the beach here didn't allow a beachside arrangement like at Yaxha, so here, they all have to paddle out to the pool and back as a group. I think that would suck half the fun out of the pool right there. Having to make a plan and take everyone with you? Bleh. Everyone takes a swim, and Bobby Jon voices over that he's just waiting for the treemail to arrive. Apparently, he has no need today for skin-eating minnows, although I would have kind of enjoyed seeing him pull that routine in front of Steph, who doesn't even like it when people eat bugs. Bobby Jon tells us that he is convinced that Nakum will not get their way and become the final six. One way or another, he thinks that will be interrupted. I would suggest that he start coming up with his big idea right now. Because for Bobby Jon fully to process a big idea, my sense is that some large rocks need to be rolled around and some big, big kettles of water have to be brought to a boil. These things take time.
Brandon and Cindy go to retrieve the treemail and find a couple of big pots. The clue reveals that the challenge is going to involve balancing a pot on your head. Various people practice with the pots, mostly discovering that they're capable of standing still with the pot on, but not necessarily of walking. Brandon gives kind of a weird interview in which he tells us he's trying to stay convinced that he's not done yet. "I'm just gettin' pumped up!" he says, as he whips the buff off his head. He stares off to the side and twists his buff in his hands as he tells us how the road is long if he's going to stay in, and so forth. Danni, for her part, informs us that she has what she calls "a dome-shaped head," so she's thinking she doesn't have much of a chance. And in fact, her pot falls off her head and breaks. So...does not bode well.
There is a hollering about the soundtrack, and then the contestants approach the challenge clearing, located to a big pyramid. The first thing we see is a big table with a large feast all spread out. Fruit, chicken, rolls, some of everything. "Oh my God," Steph keeps saying. Jeff asks them all how they're doing, and then he retrieves the team immunity idol from Steph. He reclaims the old buffs as well. He points out that what you want now is individual immunity, represented by the necklace. They tell Jeff that the new name is Xhakum, and then he asks about the merge. Jamie repeats the line that he thinks is very hilarious about how he told the approaching Yaxha that they'd be sleeping outside, since there was no room in the shelter. Bobby Jon chooses that moment -- purely fortuitously, I'm sure -- to spit on the ground emphatically. Jeff asks Bobby Jon how he feels about that kind of a welcome. Refusing to offer Jamie any satisfaction, Bobby Jon says that he doesn't really care where he sleeps.
Now, Jeff asks Cindy whether anything was missing from the merge (hint, hint), and she says that, of course, they all thought they might get to eat something other than their own self-satisfaction. Jeff acknowledges that, indeed, there has usually been a merge feast in days past. And there will be a merge feast today. The twist is that you will have a choice: participate in the challenge or eat the feast. If you play, you don't eat, even after you're done. Whether you want to eat or play will be revealed by everyone at once, through holding out either a nut (for eating) or a bead (for playing). When the reveal occurs, we learn that those participating in the challenge are the former Yaxha -- Bobby Jon, Danni, Gary, and Brandon -- as well as Cindy and Judd. Eating like smug bitches will be Steph, Rafe, Jamie, and Lydia. Those who have decided to eat head for the table to sit down.
Now, Jeff explains the challenge. The way it will work is that you balance a clay pot on your head while standing on a small block. Last person standing with a pot wins immunity. After an hour, there will be a tiebreaker. An hour? Standing there? Wimps! I personally believe that a challenge for immunity should be slightly more difficult than a field sobriety test. But standing in one place it is, so the six who are participating step up onto their blocks and begin. And then, Jeff tells the others that they can start eating. Right in front of the people who are standing up on the blocks. This is going to be uncomfortable. A lot. Not only in a "making out in front of your grandparents" kind of way, but also in a "making out in front of your grandparents while they are also making out" kind of way. Once the eaters have had a chance to serve themselves and Steph has had multiple chances to lick her fingers, Jeff asks them how the food is. Rafe uncomfortably agrees that it's good. At least he has the decency to hate himself. Jeff decides to ask about the fact that four people are eating, and Jamie explains that Brandon and Bobby Jon are targets, and that Judd is "trying to protect our lead." Bobby Jon pipes up, "I thought we were one tribe." "You know it's not one tribe," Jamie says dismissively, "so why are you saying that right now?" "Well, 'cause I can, and I will, and I want to," Bobby Jon answers back, calling on his Thoreau-like powers of simple and elegant expression. Jeff calls out the "our" in "protect our lead," and he tells Jamie that it certainly sounds like it's a straight-up tribal-line thing. Oh, Jeff. You scamp! Bobby Jon says that this is no surprise to him. "Bobby Jon," Jamie says, "you knew you had to win immunity today. Now you're givin' me shit." (I think that's what he says.) "I'm not tryin' to," Bobby Jon says calmly. "It's just when you start goin' off at the mouth, I ain't gonna let you big-boy me, though." I think I might enjoy being big-boyed by Bobby Jon, but I would need more details before I made a final decision. He does have the nice shoulders.
After half an hour, the challenge participants are all still standing. Jamie suddenly comes out with "How you doin', Bobby Jon? Good?" Yeah. Easy to poke the bull when he's got a pot on his head. Or something. I normally like my reality shows violence-free, but if Bobby Jon had walked over and broken his foot off in Jamie's ass, I would have lost no sleep over it. Jeff asks Jamie whether he's "consciously trying to rub it in," as Rafe looks disgusted. Rafe says quietly to Jamie and the group that maybe they can just enjoy the food and not make a big spectacle about it. Steph knows perfectly well that the threat with Rafe is that he'll have an attack of conscience, so she whispers to ask if he's all right. Rafe whispers back that he doesn't like the part about being all "It's the six of us and the four of you, and, like, you guys are screwed." Steph keeps telling him it's okay. So...it must be okay, I guess.
Danni's pot falls off, so she's out. Damn dome-shaped head.
The end of the hour is reached, and for whatever reason, they've decided to take the endurance out of this endurance challenge, so now we're going to a tiebreaker that involves scaling the steps of the pyramid with your pot on your head. First to the top, or person going the longest without dropping the pot, will win immunity. Cutting directly to the chase, I will tell you that Gary "Flathead" Hogeboom-Hawkins is the first to the top of the pyramid, so Gary will have immunity at tonight's tribal council. Jeff gives him the necklace. As Jeff explains, that makes Gary the only safe person unless somebody finds the hidden idol. I suspect that even after he received the necklace, Gary hoped to keep his immunity a secret from the tribe, so he's like, "Thanks, Jeff." Jeff sends everyone back to camp.
Later, it is Day 21 at Camp No-Fun. Judd and Jamie, not quite in the throes of the head-kissing days of yore, are arguing over the fact that Jamie ate and Judd didn't. Judd then turns his attention to Jamie's behavior, saying, "The only thing that was getting me pissed was every time you were talking." Man, I know that guy. Judd talks about how irritating he found it when Jamie kept running off at the mouth at Bobby Jon, and I find myself agreeing with Judd, so that's sort of newsworthy. Danni interviews that they already knew they were in the minority, and that having Jamie feel the need to announce it seemed "very cocky" to her, and "arrogant." She calls it "a slap in the face." Which I think is approximately what was intended. Danni and Cindy talk, and Danni points out that Jamie has been "an ass," with which Cindy basically agrees in her interview. She says that Jamie failed to "show class," which: good catch, and she says that people aren't appreciating Jamie's outbreak of dipshit behavior. She notes that even Jamie's buddy Judd seems to think he's over the line. I wish she would stop talking about "people" and freaking do something. You are people, Cindy! The future is now! It's time for people to act!
Rafe has a walk with Danni in which he basically admits that he'd rather get rid of Jamie than Brandon. In fact, he claims in an interview that "everything crystallized in front of [his] eyes" during the feast, and that he came to see that he won't respect himself if he takes Jamie very far into the game. One would like to think that Rafe will actually act on this, because any elimination that occurs at the height of someone's preening is a good elimination in my book.
Elsewhere, Judd and Steph have a talk with Bobby Jon about Jamie's cockiness. "Whatever," Bobby Jon says in frustration, undoubtedly thinking to himself that they're the ones who created this monster, not to mention that they're not that much better. "Give him a million dollars, you know?" Bobby Jon says curtly. Steph immediately says, "No." Judd and Steph agree with Bobby Jon, basically, that Jamie is being a dick and was a dick during the challenge, not that this fact was not discernible from space. In fact, Judd and Steph tell Bobby Jon that his reactions at the time were totally understandable. Bobby Jon gives an interview in which he surmises that Jamie has dug a hole so deep that he'll probably be booted tonight. Which...isn't what Judd and Steph said, at least not then. Bobby Jon also confides to us that he spent some time at the challenge wondering what it would be like to smash his pot over Jamie's head. Hmm, I think that's just what I would be wondering. Bobby Jon and I don't always think alike, but this time, we are of one mind.
Belligerent parrots.
Back at camp, Jamie tells Bobby Jon that he was just explaining to Brandon how Brandon, as the best athlete, will be going home . Bobby Jon says that he doesn't do it that way: he "look[s] at people's character." Jamie wants to know whom Bobby Jon wants to send home. Bobby Jon doesn't answer. Jamie tries to goad Bobby Jon into answering by talking about the fact that it's Brandon going, so it doesn't really matter, but Bobby Jon works to resist the bait. Jamie is really apparently just shit-stirring, trying to get Bobby Jon to admit that he knows he's safe and Brandon is toast, a construct Bobby Jon is ignoring. Believe it or not, Jamie tries to pull a sort of morality play, telling Bobby Jon that Jamie has been honest with everybody, and that Bobby Jon won't even say who he wants to send home. I'd be interested to know where Jamie is getting his ethics, because they sure are bendy and would make great stocking stuffers. The entire time this conversation is ongoing, Brandon is standing there uncomfortably, listening to Bobby Jon try to avoid Jamie's asshole behavior, which isn't easy, because said asshole behavior is pretty impressively intrusive. There's talk from Jamie of how they're all farm boys and so forth, but I don't think either Bobby Jon or Brandon is interested in that association. The Drawling Farm Boys Association Of Guatemala, that is.
When Jamie has walked off, Bobby Jon says to an unhappy Brandon, "Umm...hey." Heh. And then, "He's probably going tonight," meaning Jamie. Brandon perks up and asks Bobby Jon what he means by that. Bobby Jon claims that "that's what Judd and Steph said, dude." Wow. Not that we saw. Maybe they said it some other time. Bobby Jon claims that he heard Rafe saying something about getting rid of Jamie, too. Brandon thinks about this for a minute, and asks, "Are you serious?" "Swear to God, dude," Bobby Jon says. Jeez, Bobby Jon, way to raise his hopes, there. Bobby Jon goes on to say that, indeed, he is basing his conclusion on the fact that Judd and Steph expressed displeasure with Jamie's behavior, which is...not the same thing as saying they're going to vote him out. I feel for Bobby Jon, because that there is some wishful thinking. Brandon tells Bobby Jon that this might actually happen -- after all, Nakum could afford to get rid of Jamie and still have the old Yaxha over a barrel. Bobby Jon repeats that Jamie doesn't "deserve to be here," which is sort of senseless when the topic is Survivor, as we've discussed many times, but Brandon is getting happy. He begins to think about what it will be like if he is, in fact, saved at the last minute. I hate to dwell on any one subject, but Bobby Jon is kind of doing to Brandon what the Green Bay Packers do to their fans pretty much every Sunday, which is creating false hope destined to make the ultimate heartbreak that much worse.
In an interview, Farmer Beavis tells us that he's been mentally preparing himself for going home, and that now there seems to be this ray of hope appearing. Could it be that Jamie will go instead? Not willing to count on it, Brandon tells Bobby Jon that he's heading into the woods again to look for the hidden idol. Not sure why he wasn't doing that the entire time. While he looks, we get another shot of the idol, and indeed, it is in the trunk of a big tree. They'd like you to believe that people are looking very near it, but none of the shots actually demonstrate that. Farmer Beavis tells us in his interview that he's just hoping it goes the way Bobby Jon said it might and that Jamie gets booted off. I hope so too, dear.
Gary has a chat with Rafe, over whom he fairly clearly holds significant sway, telling him that to "do what's right" means voting for Jamie. "Integrity," Gary says, "and what's right." Rafe wants to know, if he votes with the former Yaxha, where they'll be then. The answer should be, of course, "Well, then you are in a final-five agreement with a bunch of decent people rather than a final-six agreement that includes at least two major pieces of shit." Gary points out that there would then be nine people, and Rafe plus the former Yaxha would be five. That's a majority, Rafe. You don't need more than that.
Elsewhere, Cindy and Danni talk, and Danni says she understands that Cindy will do what she needs to. "I'd rather hurt Jamie's feelings than Brandon's," Cindy says. "Yeah, because Brandon's a solid guy," Danni urges. You can tell Cindy is really close here. "I know...I know," she says.
On the way to tribal council, Cindy says that her alliance is voting for Brandon, but that she's really torn and wants to vote for Jamie, because Brandon -- you got it -- "deserves to be here more." It's funny -- I usually hate the "deserve" talk, and I don't love it here, either, but I have sometimes wondered with something like this...if you know that your odds of winning are still pretty long, wouldn't you be tempted to take out somebody if it was just so offensive to you to think that they would win? I mean, the safe play is to vote out Brandon, no question. But might you just step outside of that and be like, "Yeah, you're too big an asshole for me to let you anywhere near money." I think that would tempt me, not because of my integrity, but because of my petty and vengeful desire to keep people I can't stand from having anything good happen to them. My integrity sometimes flags, but my petty vindictiveness is basically always at the ready, after all. Cindy says she "won't know until [she writes] the name down on the paper." And that's a problem, because if she and Rafe don't talk to each other and provide each other with cover, then they both risk a tie, so Yaxha needed to get the two of them together and get this resolved ahead of time. Boo!
Tribal council. Jeff gets the group seated. He starts with the challenge, asking about the eating and the playing, and asking Rafe about Jamie's comment that Judd was protecting the six-person alliance. Rafe says that he didn't enjoy listening to those comments, because he didn't want it to become "us versus them." Of course, he ate, so...you know. He knew it was that a little bit, or he wouldn't have eaten. And couldn't have eaten. Rafe says he thinks that in addition to being a game about numbers, it's "about respecting each other." Thank you, Ad Council.
Asked for his opinion of it all, Bobby Jon declares that Jamie's move had "no class." "I have class," Jamie interjects, "so he can think what he wants to think. I'm going to be the bigger man." Bobby Jon approaches the boiling point again, saying with frustration, "Man, just shut up, dude. God." And then Jamie has some weird-ass argument about how Bobby Jon didn't ask for immunity...I guess the night that Rafe was there? And how this is somehow the same thing? Bobby Jon says that Brian was the one who needed immunity that night, and that he didn't ask for it. I wonder if that was a part of that tribal council we didn't see -- something about a chance to ask Rafe for immunity? Hmm. Rather appallingly, Jamie claims that for Bobby Jon to tell him he has no class is "disrespectful," and that he didn't disrespect Bobby Jon. No? Asking how he was doing just to rub his nose in it? That wasn't disrespectful? Whatever. "I'm sorry I didn't play in that game today, but we'll see who the bigger man is on the field," Jamie mutters. Bobby Jon gives a derisive and richly deserved snort. ["As he should, because...Jamie wasn't on the field. Man, just shut up, dude. God." -- Wing Chun]
Jeff asks Cindy why she played. Cindy says that she can eat at home, but that this is her only chance to play ["well, probably" -- Wing Chun], so she's playing as hard as she can. She also mentions that she didn't love having everyone root for Judd and nobody root for her, and points out that, in the end, she and Judd each spent and hour standing on the blocks. Jeff asks Gary whether the six who played deserve to be here more than the four who ate do. Gary dodges the question rather extravagantly, saying that people should vote with the heart and not the mind, because this deep into the game, your mind plays tricks on you. He speaks directly into Rafe's figurative ear, saying that, at the end of the game, it's going to be your heart that will say what's right and what's wrong. And you know, when it comes to your heart and competition, you should listen to Gary. He's a landscaper.
Jeff asks Cindy how she bases her vote. She says that "morals and your heart" come into the decision for sure. Watch what she's about to do!
Now, Jeff says it's time to produce the idol if you've found it and you want to use it. But...nobody does. So only Gary is off-limits. Everybody else, you can vote for. Judd votes. Danni votes. Lydia votes. Jamie votes for Brandon, claiming to have "respect" for him. Rafe votes. Steph votes. Bobby Jon votes for Jamie, telling him that "part of southern pride is being a southern gentleman." Which Jamie apparently isn't, so he has to go. Brandon votes. Cindy votes.
Jeff goes off to tally. When he returns, he reads the votes. One for Brandon. Another for Brandon. One for Jamie. Another for Jamie. So it's 2-2. Another for Brandon. Another for Jamie. Another for Brandon. Another for Jamie. So we're at 4-4. The is for Brandon. And...the last is for Brandon. Oh, Rafe and Cindy. You weenies. God. At any rate, Brandon addresses his beloved tribe on the way out, whispering to Danni as they hug, "You're the sister I never had." Aw! This sucks so bad. I really do not want to watch three more weeks of this in a row. Cindy looks miserable, as she should. Brandon's torch is snuffed, as Danni weeps a little. When Brandon's gone, Jeff announces that this is the final nine, and while two of them will be the final two, the other seven will make up the jury. So everything with these people from here on out will make a difference. Might be time to start restraining the asshole within.
In his farewell interview, Brandon congratulates himself for the way he played, and says he can walk away happy. Sigh. I think you seemed like a nice boy, Farmer Brandon.
week: Bobby Jon and Jamie still hate each other. Judd gets shitfaced and throws up in the shelter. All of a sudden, it's Survivor My College Dorm.