Secrets And Lies And An Idol Surprise

Previously on Mergers and Ack-quisitions: the four members of Yaxha were sent over to merge with the six members of Nakum, and it appeared that we were in for a nice, long stretch of Pagonging. Jamie came close to getting himself sent home to shave after he crowed about the invincibility of the Big Six at the immunity challenge until even his own team was all, "Get off my side!" But while many bad things can be said about Steph this season, she is keeping her alliance on the straight, narrow, boring path to success, and she kept the emotions in check enough for the Big Six to bounce Farmer Beavis just when he was getting interesting. In other news, there was a teeny immunity idol hidden in a tree, and the search was on. We're down to the final nine who will ultimately make up F2 and the jury. Who will be the first to be promised the chance to return at the end of the season to say, "My question is I WANT AN APOLOGY"?

Credits. You know, looking at this collection of people, who would have suspected that, like, Lydia would still be around? Nothing like a warm body nobody even notices anymore.

We are at Camp No-Fun on Night 21, where everyone is returning from tribal council. A crocodile surreptitiously observes the goings-on from the water's edge. He tries to figure out who would make the tastiest snack, given that between the bony, the bitter, and the just plain rank, the pickings are getting slim, and not just literally. As a giant log burns, Jamie peels off his sweatshirt and gripes to Rafe that Bobby Jon was a "bully" for saying that Jamie had "no class." Rafe tries to tell him to chill out rather than "react" to it, and just be happy they all made at least the jury. You can tell Rafe would really rather be anywhere except in this conversation, because Jamie is precisely the sort of vaguely menacing, aggressively stupid guy who makes Rafe really uncomfortable. From off-screen, we hear Judd's voice cautioning Jamie not to bring up the Bobby Jon business again, and Jamie insists that he isn't. Even though he just did. At Judd's irritated admonition that unexpectedly comes to his rescue, Rafe allows himself a small smile that Jamie can't see.

Judd tells Jamie not to "go to bed angry," which I think he's using in rather an unusual context, given that I've always pretty much associated it with going to bed with the person. I mean, I know it's a small shelter and the lines do have a way of blurring, so. Anyway, Jamie says, "I'm not angry -- my feelings are hurt." Yes, his feelings are hurt. I have to say, very little is as distasteful to me as a sniveling bully. "My feelings are hurt," indeed. Bobby Jon explains in another of his night-vision Chivalrous P. Crazybeard interviews that he "called Jamie out at tribal council," and that Jamie got all upset about it because everything Bobby Jon said was true. Yeah, I'm not sure Jamie successfully fooled Bobby Jon with that brilliant maneuver. Bobby Jon repeats the "no class" accusation in the interview, and then we see Jamie ask him about it around the fire. Bobby Jon tries to explain how taunting people during a competition isn't universally believed to be a sign of great sportsmanship. (Or, as Judd would say, a sign of being a great sportsmanship.)

As the discussion continues, Jamie takes an interesting (and I mean "interesting" in the "pitifully ill-advised" sense in which you call your best friend's pants "interesting") approach in claiming that while his actions might have had no class, it was wrong of Bobby Jon to suggest that he himself had no class. Careful splitting that hair; you might hurt yourself. Furthermore, Jamie says that this is the equivalent of Bobby Jon's calling him "white trash." Which...no, it's not. I mean, maybe to two guys from the south it is, but Bobby Jon chooses few enough words in the first place that it's safe to assume he uses the ones he wants. Bobby Jon stretches for an ounce of reconciliation, saying that he felt the way he felt at the time, but that "tomorrow, the sun comes up." Jamie keeps it up, saying that Bobby Jon's comment "broke [his] heart." Ay yi yi. Even Bobby Jon, the captain of cheesy remarks, seems to find this one a little heavy on the grated Swiss as he says, "I'm sorry, I don't mean to break anybody's heart."

Danni tries to wrap things up and put the rest of the beleaguered group out of its misery by saying that Bobby Jon "wasn't judging [Jamie]," just commenting on the behavior of the moment. I think he was doing both, actually. Judd (I believe) jumps in, suggesting that Jamie is taking it a bit too much to heart, but Jamie keeps it up in spite of clearly losing the crowd, talking all about how he doesn't understand how they wouldn't have their feelings hurt if it had been them. Of course, in order to put themselves in his position, they'd have to assume that they had taunted a bunch of starving people while scarfing food and getting drunk, so some of them would already have to be imagining a sizable shift in the universe. Finally, Bobby Jon and Jamie shake hands, and Jamie says something about how he hates the drama, and Bobby Jon says "speak your heart," and this conversation has really gone on at least three times longer than it ever should have. They wouldn't have needed so many words if they'd chosen the right ones. I would suggest something involving "made your bed" and "lie in it."

Rafe interviews that Jamie really did take the entire thing far too personally and was "looking for some kind of an outlet for all the emotion he was feeling," and that's how he wound up yelling at Bobby Jon. It's sort of true, although I think Jamie is also just a dick, and trying to explain the dickishness is a bit of an exercise in futility, because sometimes, dickishness just sort of is. It's like the weather. On any given day, certain people have an 80% chance of dick, and there's nothing you can do about it. Rafe goes on to tell us that if Jamie doesn't use it as a learning experience, Rafe himself will "change up this game." I don't love that construct, which makes it sound like Jamie has to meet a certain moral code in order to stay in the alliance, and I'm not sure that, if you think that, Jamie should still be in the game anyway. Furthermore, putting it off another week after last week reduced Rafe's ability to single-handedly change the game, because now, it's 6-3, so even if he flipped, they wouldn't even have a tie. In short, it's a little late for the come-to-Jesus moment here.

Millipede puppet.

On the morning of Day 22, Lydia is pounding corn in the one camp task that we've seen people do all season. I have to say, there haven't been quite as many food rewards as in some seasons, I don't think, and there seems to be no fishing of note, so these people really must be eating a honkload of corn. Never has this show featured quite so much carbo-loading. Jamie stirs in the shelter. Lydia goes out to offer breakfast to everyone, but Judd turns her down. He interviews, "Other than the food, camp life is great, man." He reminds us that the "most vulnerable" people are Danni, Gary, and Bobby Jon. Steph, Jamie, and Judd sit around having a chat in which Steph points out (correctly) that getting to this point is really difficult, so when you get to a point like they're at right now, you don't change -- you "stick with all your people." I think this is meant to comfort a nervous Jamie, who is wondering whether he should be worried about the fact that everyone clearly hates him. Judd mentions that, if the situation were reversed, the former Yaxha would be "doing the same thing." There's a shot of Judd and Steph laughing, but I don't believe they're actually laughing at this -- it certainly sounds like something else happened that made them chuckle. Even Steph and Judd aren't impaired enough to find that hilarious.

Bobby Jon and Danni are sitting back-to-back on a little seat as she tells him that, after she has a little food and water, she's headed out to look for the idol. Bobby Jon interviews that he needs that sucker something fierce. We watch him hunt around in the woods as he reminds us that he doesn't exactly know very much about where the thing is located. He tells us that he knows his neck is on the line, and that he knows he's not going to make a dent in the Big Six. He searches. Danni searches. She says that they're hoping for some more clues, and that she's hoping maybe God will tell her what to do. (God: "Kind of iroooonic, asking me to help you find an iiiiiiidol....")

And then we cut to Gary. He's wandering around the jungle, and as he does, he tells us a story. When he played in the NFL, his team played Detroit (which kind of figures) one year, and was down by a huge margin, and he "threw for close to three hundred yards in one quarter," allowing his team to come back and win. Now, this claim has been researched a little bit and written about a little bit, and it appears to be largely true, with the exception of the fact that his team didn't win. Heh. At any rate, Gary tells us that that's how he's playing here, too -- he's trying to come up with every maneuver he can to stay in as long as possible. And he says, not really in the gross way, that this will mean that if he wins, he'll be happy, but that if he loses, he'll be okay with the way he played. We watch him scour the woods for the hidden idol. Maybe he'd do better with cheerleaders.

We skip across the water and land on a challenge field, where a big pole is surrounded by concentric circles. A quick shot of a pot full of arrows follows as Jeff brings in the tribe. They all stand on the mat, and Jeff asks if they're ready. Jeff explains that, in this challenge, they'll use a weapon that...I really don't understand this weapon, I have to admit. It's a throwing thing, and you use it to throw a spear (or today, an arrow), but it's not like a bow. It's...it makes me think of jai-alai, kind of, only more overhand, and with arrows. I realize I'm not helping. (Give me a break -- I'm trying not to tell you that it sort of looks like a lawn sprinkler.) Anyway, they'll use this thing to throw an arrow toward the pole that's the target, and the person who gets closest will win.

So what's the reward? The reward is that everyone will go eat at a lodge later, and the winner will get the best meal, which will be steak and lobster. Other people will get, in descending order, poorer and poorer meals until they get to the bottom, which will be something really trashy, you can tell. On top of the good meal, the winner will also get a clue to the location of the mini-idol. More bad poetry! Now everyone will strive to excel!

The first to throw is Judd. His throw is pretty close, so now they've all got to try to beat that throw. Bobby Jon steps up and...does not beat Judd, even remotely. Bad throw, there, Bobby Jon. Rafe steps up. Asked if he's confident, Rafe cautiously says, "I'm aiming for...medium-range food today." He is cute. He takes his toss, and he lands between Judd and Bobby Jon. Cindy almost edges Judd, but she doesn't quite, so she's in second. Lydia's throw comes nowhere near the target, so she's in last place. "Corn soup!" she says enthusiastically as she gets in line. Heh. And: she wishes. Danni hits inside Rafe, so she's in third behind Judd and Cindy. Gary moves into fourth ahead of Rafe. Steph lands ahead of Gary, bumping Gary to fifth. Jamie steps up and lands ahead of Steph, so Jeff directs him to put himself in fourth place. "If it's all the same to you, Jeff," Jamie drawls, "since I had such bad actions yesterday, I'd like to take the last-place meal and let all the other people move up." Jeff confirms that Jamie really means to swap out his spot for last place, and he says he does. Jeff approves, so Lydia gets to not be in last place. No soup for Lydia! As Jamie stands there, Bobby Jon reaches over and shakes his hand. Jeff asks if this is making up for yesterday. "We're one tribe now," Jamie says. "I'm sorry I didn't see that sooner." Jamie doesn't mean this, of course, and the move is totally insincere in every conventional sense. Nevertheless, I give it tiny props in the following regard only: just having the self-awareness to know you need to suck up in order to save your ass puts Jamie a tiny tad ahead of a lot of people who never even realize that everyone hates them, because they can't conceive of anyone not thinking they're awesome, Rupert. And Ami. And George Bush. Jeff asks Rafe what he thinks of Jamie's move, and Rafe says he thinks it means "Jamie learned a lot" (pfft). Jeff promises Jamie that he gave up "a lot" with that move, and then he takes them all off in the direction of dinner.

It's still Day 22 as the tribe follows Jeff into a little lodge. Judd is put at a separate table of his own, and the rest of the tribe sits down in order along a long table, Jamie at the end. There are some dogs running around, so Jeff explains that they "live here." Just so you don't think they're part of the reward. Judd's steak and lobster is immediately produced, along with his beer. Cindy receives a plate of chicken and vegetables and something to drink. (Looks like white wine, maybe.) Danni receives a big plate of spaghetti, and honestly, I think my system might tolerate the spaghetti better than a giant hunk of meat when I hadn't had any meat for three weeks, so I think Danni's meal might be the one I'd have chosen if I had the choice of all of these. Steph receives a burger and a beer -- and that's the one Jamie would have had. Jeff points this out. "Nothing tastes better than my self-respect," Jamie says. Y'all, he worked on that remark all day.

Gary gets a slice of pizza. A small one. Rafe gets a ham and cheese sandwich, and people still try to look happy for him. That's about where the efforts to clap appreciatively die out. Bobby Jon gets hosed with a baked potato. One baked potato. It's going to take a lot of live minnows to make that into a meal. Lydia, thanks to Jamie, is second to last rather than last, so she gets a little fish. She is so happy that she actually becomes tearful. "I expected a cracker," she whimpers. I am totally saving that up for the emotional moment in which I need to break the tension between myself and someone else. "[Whimper.] I expected a cracker." Finally, Jamie's ZONK! meal is a little bowl of nuts and, as a nice touch, lake water. It's been boiled, at least, Jeff promises. So it's gross, but not parasite-harboring gross.

Now, Jeff tells Judd that he can invite either one or two people to sit with him, and that those people will get his open bar, as well as dessert. Sharing will be allowed at Judd's table, and nowhere else. Judd first brings up Bobby Jon, saying that Bobby Jon has been great to him from the first day. And then he brings up Steph, saying that she's been great to him since the tribal switch. I understand why he picked Steph; the Bobby Jon pick is kind of a surprise to me. Gary seethes. Hee. Jeff also hands Judd his immunity idol clue.

Steph explains how they ordered drinks, and she adds that she split her cheeseburger with Bobby Jon -- which was pretty decent of her, all things considered. Judd even gave Bobby Jon half of his steak, and all three of them ate the lobster. Wow, everybody's being awfully decent for no apparent good reason. It's like Reward Dinner In Whoville. Danni is particularly enjoying her spaghetti. It appears that the sharp dividing line of discomfort is between Danni and her spaghetti and Gary and his bitty slice of pizza. Because with the single burger gone over to Judd's table with Steph, that leaves a bit of a...gap. Bobby Jon tells us that he tried really hard not to gloat or pig out, because he felt bad about the other people. He mentions in particular looking over at Gary, who is a fairly big guy to have been given that lonely slice of pizza. Judd orders a round of vodka and cranberry juice, instructing the server to go heavy on the vodka and light on the cranberry juice. Then he tells Gary, "You're killin' me over there, kid." Gary pulls an innocent expression, chuckling and acting like he hasn't been staring hungrily and with great hatred the entire time. "I won't look at you anymore, Judd," Gary says casually. Gary interviews that, indeed, two hours of watching Judd, Bobby Jon, and Steph gobble food and get drunk wasn't exactly his idea of a good time. Imagine that. And then Judd and Bobby Jon raise the roof drunkenly, and the less said about that, the better. This is also the scene were you get to see Judd dribble his drink down his beard, which I'm sure was very attractive to someone somewhere whose opinions regarding Hot and Not are the precise opposite of mine.

Later, the tribe returns to Camp No-Fun, an absolutely hammered Judd in the lead. This is problematic, of course, because Judd is so big that it's not like they can carry or assist him around camp if he's determined to lumber around and fall over. This is one reason why, when your group of friends is choosing its designated lightweight, it's better to pick one who's a real lightweight, because trying to hoist a guy out of a tanker of beer when he weighs twice as much as you do isn't a particularly enjoyable enterprise. As Bobby Jon smokes a cigar around the fire, Judd slaps him and says, "I love you like a fat kid loves cake." I'm sure Bobby Jon appreciates that. Judd then drunks on over to Jamie and gives him a big hug. I guess we're back to kissing foreheads with these two. Gary interviews: "Judd was pretty well drunk." Oh, now I get it. He's drunk!

Gary goes on to explain that after they stumbled around a bit, Bobby Jon (also clearly drunk, though less so) got it into his head to move a "stump" that turned out to be a giant tree. As Judd tries to help Bobby Jon lift it, he manages to conk himself in the head with the tree and knock himself on his ass. Gary, years of fellow-athlete-wrangling behind him, tries to grab the back of Judd's shirt and get him to sit down, but Judd falls down anyway. Everybody tells Judd that they can probably get the tree in the morning and don't absolutely need to take care of it right this second. "We're fine," Gary reassures him. Judd almost manages to fall over the tree one more time before the scene ends. Man, it's very dangerous to put yourself in that position, drinking until people will mock you. You wind up spending something like five months making the following point in your own defense: "We were not making out! I was merely babbling incoherently and I happened to be speaking very quietly!" Not that I know anyone who has had to do specifically that, although if I did, it would be completely true.

The morning, Gary brings some wood around camp. Not a giant stump-tree, but still good. Danni and Steph are talking, and Danni mentions just how much she didn't enjoy the snoring and throwing up on Judd's part. Confronted about whether he threw up in the shelter, Judd insists that he didn't -- he went off into the woods and threw up there. Danni and Gary immediately inform him that he certainly did not -- he threw up right to where they were sleeping. And then we actually get a shot of it, which I have to think I could have lived without. Although it is the season of on-screen vomiting, I suppose, so why stop now? "It's all a blur to me, man," Judd finally says. That's a great scene. "You threw up in the shelter." "I DID NOT!" "You did, too." "Oh."

Later, Judd approaches Steph with his immunity-idol clue, and he tells her what it says, which is essentially that the idol is not on the ground anywhere. "That'd be, like, in a tree," Steph says perceptively. They discuss the value of Judd's possibly finding the idol at this point, although thus far, Steph is just about the only person who has shown absolutely no interest whatsoever in finding it for herself. Her and Lydia, I guess. Now, Judd makes his way over to the rest of the group, and tells them that, for no particular reason, he's going to give away what the clue says. Angling to take the Worst Liar Ever award away from Gary "Not That Gary Hogeboom" Hogeboom, Judd tells them that the clue says the idol is on the ground. In his interview, Judd says that he has no problem with lying. And of course, he means that in the way in which it's true, and doesn't mean it in the "in order to believe me, you would have to be blind, be in love with me, and have been literally born yesterday" way.

Back from commercials, we watch as Rafe and Jamie play some sort of a game. Jamie takes this opportunity to ask Rafe to stick with him and not "screw [him] over." Rafe is nervously like, "We're fine, heh," even though he really wishes he could get rid of Jamie. Rafe explains in an interview that Jamie's paranoia is very irritating at this point. He also takes this opportunity to say that while he'd like to think Jamie took the bad meal as a good-faith gesture, he kind of doubts it. "I don't trust Jamie," Rafe says. Well, I should think not.

Jamie and Gary now have a conversation in which Jamie says that they're getting rid of Bobby Jon, probably, . Gary: "Well, just...you've been honest with me the whole time. Just tell me. And I know...you're going to be pissed at me, whatever, I don't care...I do care, but...I will vote with you today. Okay? I mean, I have to. I mean, if I don't, I'm dead." Gary interviews that he just revealed that he'd be voting with Jamie. Jamie, meanwhile, returns to his team and announces that Gary said he'd be voting for Jamie. As much more interesting as this would all be if Jamie were doing this for some strategic reason, I really think Jamie just misunderstood. All that business from Gary about how Jamie's going to be pissed off at him...it was sort of incoherent and totally set up the possibility that Gary was going to announce a vote for him. And Gary really, really mumble-mouthed the actual line that he would be voting with Jamie. I can totally believe it would have been misunderstood, especially since it's Jamie, and that's the only thing that really makes any sense to me.

Steph gives an interview in which she reports what Jamie told them, and says that her first thought was to make sure Jamie actually understood what Gary said. "'Cause he sometimes is a little..." She just fleetingly points at her head, using the universal sign for "doy." When Jamie is gone, Steph, Judd, and Cindy are like, "Whatever, dude." Steph says that Jamie's getting really annoying. She then talks to Rafe, who seems concerned that Jamie is perhaps actually "losing it out here." Steph's like, "Obviously," which I thought was rather amusing. Apparently, she no longer even really thinks it's necessary to discuss Jamie's mental-health issues, which are self-evident. She interviews that Jamie is "a huge liability" for her and for her alliance, essentially because he's crazy and hard to predict, and "can ruin [their] entire plan."

Bobby Jon brings treemail back to the group, and it indicates that there's going to be a balance challenge of some kind. We cut to Gary, practicing moving quickly down an edge of the pyramid near camp. Jamie tells us that the game is tricky, and that Steph and Rafe could always switch and go with the three former Yaxha to boot him. Referring to Gary's earlier "confession," Jamie says, "I don't know why he did that." Jamie is confused. Not exactly an earth-shattering state of affairs, I don't think. He adds in his interview that things can change in a hurry at tribal council, so he's not entirely confident himself.

Jeff brings the tribe over to a new challenge area. This will be your immunity challenge. First, you'll head over a balance beam, untying two planks along the way that are tied to your beam. The first four to finish will move to the second round. In the second round, you lay the planks down across ropes so that you can walk across them and get to the other side. (Kind of like building a bridge made of planks, but you only ever have the one you're on and one other, so you constantly pick them up and put them back down ahead of you, get it? It's like you're writing your own Indiana Jones scene, only it's going really, really slowly and nobody is pulling out your still-beating heart.) The first two who finish this part will cross a two-rope bridge over water. First to finish gets immunity.

Ready? Go! Steph racks herself on the balance beam. Her sizable anti-cheering section hoots and takes a large swig of beer. Jamie scoots along the beam on his crotch, which Jeff comments does not look comfortable. If it keeps him from reproducing, of course, I won't think it's entirely bad. Bobby Jon falls off, and Judd hits the ground with his foot. Ultimately, Steph is the first to finish, followed by Gary, Jamie, and Rafe. So those four will move on to the second round. In round two, Gary never seems to quite get the hang of it, while Rafe does very well. Ultimately, it's Rafe and Jamie making it through to the last round. In the final, Jamie scoots right across the rope bridge, while Rafe has much more trouble. Ultimately, Rafe performs a majestic swan flip-dive over one of the ropes, first dunking his head and then dumping his entire self in the water, while the team -- which clearly loves Rafe in spite of, or even because of, what a doofus he is -- tries not to giggle too hard on the sideline. Technically, Rafe could climb up a ladder and get back on the bridge, but he doesn't have nearly enough time, and we know how Rafe does on ladders getting up out of the water. So Jamie wins immunity -- boooo! Man, I don't like the way that necklace looks on him. Jeff sends everyone back to camp to wait for tribal council.

Definitely animatronic spider.

Back at Camp No-Fun on Day 24, nobody is entirely happy but immune old Jamie. Speaking of whom, he and Steph have a chat in which Jamie reiterates that he wants to vote out Gary, because Gary is gunning for Jamie, as Gary "confessed" earlier. This is, like, the saddest thing ever. This is what you get for failing to enunciate, people. Steph, not really caring about who gets voted out between Gary and Bobby Jon, agrees. I think one of the things she's done right as queen of this little cabal is that she doesn't throw her weight around too much just for the hell of it. She isn't insisting on a particular boot order, and she's willing to let Jamie have his way, even though she's clearly fairly dubious about what he told her about Gary. She interviews that, actually, she was considering getting rid of Jamie, but the immunity situation obviously killed that possibility.