Brianna says that now that it's Day 4, she can say that the people on her tribe "all have different qualities." And it's that kind of incisive character analysis that's going to take her far. Some are tall! Some are short! Some have bumps in some places, and some have bumps in other places! Jamie goes on to agree with her in an interview about the "diverse" nature of the tribe. "We've got a bum," he says, pointing to himself, "we got a police officer, we got a magician's assistant, we got a fishmonger, we got a gay guy, and we got a landscaper." Apparently, Rafe is gay for a living, and Stephenie ("Former Winner"), Brian ("Somewhat Overcranked Ivy Leaguer") and Brianna ("Sells Something, But We Don't Know What") didn't make the cut, diversity-wise. Any time you forget to throw the Ivy Leaguer into your One Of Everything rant, you're really missing the boat. Hasn't he ever heard of "jail to Yale"? "Clown to Brown"? "Pen to Penn"? Okay, I made up the last one. Okay, the last two. But the first one, a guy I knew used to use to describe himself and his eleven brothers. And because I once loved him madly, you know he wasn't the one who went to Yale, if you know what I mean. Wait, what were we talking about?
Someone asks Gary whether he's cold, and he says, "No, but a tarantula jumped on my arm." Thanks for the non sequitur, there, Gary. (In upcoming Gary banter: "Can you loan me a dollar?" "No, but I'm not wearing any socks.") This leads awkwardly into a Gary voice-over in which he explains again that he is hiding his NFL-ness from the tribe. "Nobody's asked me what I did fifteen years ago," he says. "So...I guess I don't have to tell 'em." You know what I think Gary did in the NFL? Black ops.
Possibly animatronic snake.
And now, in the Chicks Just Love To Groom Each Other segment, Steph takes a shot at braiding Morgan's hair, which is a big improvement from the way people usually express affection to Morgan -- by sawing her in half and stuffing her into boxes with her legs folded up under her rib cage. Steph explains to us that it's "a fun camp life," and that it's very different from her past experiences on Palau's Team Sucks-a-Lot. She says that the fact that the team gets along will really help them out. In fact, they're "like a family," provided that the family has known each other for four days and intends to eliminate each other one by one over the month using deceit and trickery. And that none of them is showering.
Over at Nakum, which I already almost forgot was supposed to be the "better" camp for reasons I couldn't quite explain, Judd returns to the team with some treemail, as Farmer Brandon looks at him suspiciously. Farmer Brandon does a lot of suspicious peering, you will notice. I'm fairly sure someone once told him he looks hot when he's questioning someone else's intentions. Cindy reads the stupid poem, which tells them that they're "caught in a web of hardship" (gack) and clearly implies that winning will allow them to eat. Blake explains to us that he really wasn't in the mood for any challenge-announcing treemail yet, because so far, he's still not breathing very well after all the spikes and the barfing of last week. He gives us a nice butt shot as he leans over to catch his breath, but it's spoiled by the giant flowered print on the shorts he's wearing. I think I saw that print in a past life when I designed shower curtains for JC Penney in 1952, back when tropical-chic was all the rage and pineapple slices were the height of exotic cuisine, especially when combined with maraschino cherries. Margaret comments that she's "really, really worried about Blake," because he hasn't been able to recover from the injury yet, and the constant shortness of breath is of special concern. She mops his forehead for him and encourages him to breathe.
“ Yaxha learns the surely shocking news that Nakum voted Jim The One-Armed Senior Citizen off the tribe in the season's first vote: 'Huh. Not one of the healthy young boys who gets along with everyone? This really is the most shocking season ever!' ”
Farmer Brandon looks out from under the brim of the hat he mistakenly thinks makes him look like Indiana Jones and thinks to himself, "I should beat that guy up now, while he's weak, because if he's ever healthy, there's a much greater risk that he will fight back." In an interview, Farmer Brandon announces that Blake can't "handle it," which makes me really wish that Farmer Brandon had taken the spikes to the shoulder, not that I didn't kind of wish that already. "I'm more one of those, like, a tougher guy, which, you know, you're hurtin' and everything, but you've just gotta man up." You know, I can go along with "man up," or at least something less dorky than "man up," when people are just lying around. But when somebody has been injured by something you have no experience with as to whether it has any kind of poisons in it and he's not able to breathe, I have to think you might reserve judgment a little bit and not diagnose him with a terminal case of What A Weenie just because you were lucky enough not to get a bunch of spikes embedded in your flesh. Also, "man up"? Pretty big talk for a guy who didn't get out of the opening gates without falling on his ass.
Anyway, the "man up" talk carries us over to today's challenge. Jeff, still echewing the non-dorky baseball caps with which I personally had no quarrel for the dorky adventure hats that make him look like Crocodile Dumb-dee, brings in the teams. Yaxha learns the surely shocking news that Nakum voted Jim The One-Armed Senior Citizen off the tribe in the season's first vote. I'm sure they're all like, "Huh. Not one of the healthy young boys who gets along with everyone? This really is the most shocking season ever!" Anyway. The way this challenge works, you run up a ramp and across a net, and then you climb out onto a big spiderweb made of rope that's been set up over a pool of water. You hang from the web by your hands and feet as you shimmy out to one of eight bags hanging from the web. You untie a bag and drop it into the water below, and then you take the bag and make your way over to a rope ladder on which you climb back up onto the net and run back to your team. Everybody has to go at least once, and if you drop into the water without a bag, you have to go back to the start and somebody else goes. And this is the reward that's for fishing gear. Hooks, corks, worms, that sort of thing. Fortunately, it doesn't seem to be a spear situation, which is a good thing, because I am tired of that, and it makes me think about Rupert, and I hate thinking about Rupert. Jeff promises that there are plenty of fish in the lake. And he's not speaking metaphorically about the inevitable end of his relationship with Julie. (Rimshot!) Yaxha, up one member, elects to have Amy sit out. Very dramatic cinematography, editing, and music attempts to distract you from the fact that this is a game with all the tension, danger, and high stakes that you'd find at your company picnic at a water park.
“ They certainly do love to show T&A shots of Cindy. Her ass is in the credits, and right here, there's a shot right down her front. I have a feeling the challenge will force her to do the splits, because where else can we go from here, you know? ”
"Ready...go!" First out are Jamie and Bobby Jon. Jamie gets under the web just like you're supposed to, hanging on with hands and feet, but Bobby Jon just hangs from it by his hands at first, which slows him down. He does tend to choose the hardest way of doing everything, that one. Jamie is first to get a bag untied, and then Bobby Jon gets his. But on the way back, Bobby Jon slows down, and by the time he gets back to Nakum, Brian is well out onto the web for Yaxha. Cindy goes out for Nakum as Margaret comforts a bent-over Bobby Jon, now back with the team. Cindy catches up with Brian in the web, though, and by the time they get back onto the net to run back, she's out ahead. They certainly do love to show T&A shots of Cindy. Her ass is in the credits, and right here, there's a shot right down her front. I have a feeling the challenge will force her to do the splits, because where else can we go from here, you know? Anyway, out are Blake and Stephenie, leaving just about at the same time. Whether Blake can breathe normally or not, he does fine on the course, and he and Steph get done at very much the same time. She beats him back to the start, but not by a whole lot. Gary is out for Yaxha, and Farmer Brandon goes for Nakum. Brandon gets a bit ahead of Gary on the way back. Margaret is for Nakum, and Rafe for Yaxha. Margaret gets her bag, but Rafe -- not looking like the most graceful gazelle ever to play the game -- is the first to drop into the water without successfully getting a bag, so he has to bail out and head back. The really weird part, however, is that Rafe then can't get himself up the ladder. It looks like total mashed-potato legs to me, like he just has nothing to push himself up with, particularly after hanging on the web. But the effect is totally Suffering Pasty Boy, and what's not to like about that?
So now, Judd is out on the course for Nakum, but Rafe is still trying to get up the damn ladder, doing everything possible to distinguish himself as That Guy Who Can't Do Challenges. As Judd struggles with the web, Rafe finally drags his ass up out of the water onto the net and immediately stumbles toward his team like he's on the wrong side of about eight shots of tequila. There is definitely something going on there besides sheer wimpitude. Jeff comments that "four days of no water" is having an effect. Do they really have no water? Why? Don't they have a lake? And fire to boil water with? I'm very confused. Maybe Jeff just means it's been four days without bottled water. I know that takes a toll on me. It's like going without my bag of air. Rafe finally gets back, and Morgan heads out for Yaxha. Judd, meanwhile, quits without retrieving a bag. Morgan gets to a bag as Danni heads out for Nakum. I have to say, whatever else can be said about Danni, she has some impressively freaky abs. You could pelt her with rocks and she wouldn't even feel it, not that I'm suggesting we do that. Yet. Morgan gets a bag. Brianna goes for Yaxha, but she isn't able to get a bag and she falls in. As Lydia goes out for Yaxha, Danni finally gets a bag and heads back. So while Danni and her abs got the job done, she was not speedy. Lydia gets a bag for Yaxha as Brooke heads out onto the web for Nakum.
“ Nakum continues catching a stellar collection of the world's smallest fish. I think they've accidentally stumbled into a community of fish descended from a bedroom aquarium. ”
When Lydia gets back and Jamie heads out again, we're tied at six bags each, with two each to go for each team. Brooke gets her bag down for Nakum. Jamie gets his down, and Blake and Brian are now on the course chasing down the last bags for their respective teams. They both do very well on the course, but Blake gets to the bag faster, and has a slight lead heading to the ladder. He drags himself up onto the net, and although Brian gives it quite the effort, he can't beat Blake, who collapses across the finish line in a heap. Jeff sends Yaxha home with nothing, and he gives Nakum the coveted fishing stuff. Bobby Jon lends Blake a hand getting back home. Boys who help! That's sexy.
Nakum, Day 5. Crocodile eyeballs above the water. The team, in a boat, fishing. Farmer Beavis explains that they got up "at the butt-crack of dawn" (still hilarious!) and went out. He manages to be the first we see pull in a fish, and the fish is...about the size of your palm, maybe. If you have small hands. Then as Blake dangles a line in the water, he says he's feeling better and "not panting as much." Well, that's...fortunate, but somehow disappointing. He thinks that as long as he stays strong in the challenges like he did at the web thing, he'll be all right. Nakum continues catching a stellar collection of the world's smallest fish. I think they've accidentally stumbled into a community of fish descended from a bedroom aquarium.
Yaxha, Day 5. Without any fishing stuff, the disadvantaged team resorts to pulling roots out of the ground. Rafe explains that the team is "in desperation food mode." Basically, if it's in the woods, they'll consider eating it. Presumably not including crew members. Rafe produces a large grasshopper, which he introduces with the enticing offer, "Does anyone want to eat a grasshopper?" It isn't clear whether anyone actually does. What total wimps! They used to eat rats on this show; doesn't anyone remember? Meanwhile, camp life is beginning to develop to the point where our first gripe about workload has appeared: Gary doesn't think that Morgan does her share. We watch as she delicately swishes water around in her mouth. Swish all you want, Swishy McSwish -- you've got a mouth like a spoiled trout at this point. I have a feeling her team has already reached the idyllic moment when all the pressure is off, also known as The Moment When No One Can Smell Anyone Anymore.
Crocodile!
And then, by way of illustration of Morgan's so-so work ethic where non-supernatural occupations are concerned, we watch as she sits with her feet in the water while busy bee Lydia works on her great plan. Lydia has constructed a little "cove" out of sand, and she somehow intends to cover it with a sack and catch minnows. Handy fishmonger! Elsewhere, Rafe has a protein-gathering plan of his own, involving the breaking open of an ant nest. He and Jamie and some other folks discuss the ants, and my favorite part is that they seem to be disappointed that the nest contains ants instead of termites. Like maybe termites are really delicious, and nobody would have balked at eating termites. They bring the nest back to camp, and a clearly grossed-out Steph takes it in with a nauseated expression. She interviews that while she understands that ants may be high in protein, she doesn't plan to eat ants. She will be eating corn and water until she wins something else. Meanwhile, however, Lydia has brought back ten minnows. They're very small, but protein-wise, it's something. The group cooks up the minnows at the fire and then pops them all in their mouths. Lydia slyly interviews about how the way to a man's heart is through his stomach and so forth, and with the tribe being as hungry as these people are, she may have a point, especially this early. For fish as big as your finger, the minnows do seem to generate some excitement.
“ The self- righteousness countdown clock comes in at an episode and a half, I suppose. I am now officially awaiting the arrival of the first discussion of 'integrity,' and will accept any version of 'I don't play the game that way.' ”
At Nakum, Blake is back to the bending over and the breathing hard. Judd looks baffled as Blake drops to the ground again. And then, in an interview, Judd talks haughtily about how Blake "does basically nothing in camp." Not only that, but Judd's clearly irritated with Margaret for "nurturing him." Yeah. Stupid nurturing. I hate nurturing! That's the thing I fucking hate about the medical profession -- they're always trying to make people feel better, those pussies. God. Margaret gives Blake some water, which is very...damning, I guess. Judd prattles on about how much he hates listening to Margaret tell Blake to relax and get water. "How much more relaxing does this dude need, man?" he asks. Well...if he's sick, moron, then perhaps quite a bit. I really don't think the guy is a malingerer. I mean, what would be the motivation for that? To fake shortness of breath? It's terrible for your odds of staying in the game.
Judd and Farmer Brandon -- the latter of whom is rather lounging himself at the moment -- have a chat in which Judd bitches about "getting screwed" by having to bring water for Blake. I suppose so, in the same way that Blake "got screwed" by having to help his team win fishing gear so they could eat when Judd fell on his ass and couldn't get across the web. Brandon and Judd actually go on to bitch and moan that Blake is so lucky, and that he has all that energy for challenges because he doesn't do anything in camp. Right. That's why Judd couldn't hang from the rope. It's because he works so hard. The self-righteousness countdown clock comes in at an episode and a half, I suppose. I am now officially awaiting the arrival of the first discussion of "integrity," and will accept any version of "I don't play the game that way." Anyone want to make a bet with me? Judd tells us that he wants to be "the big hero" at the challenge. Judd is starting to grate.
Nakum, Day 6. The team reviews some treemail, delivered in Bobby Jon's lovely drawl, indicating that there's going to be some kind of a scraping and clawing challenge later. I like scraping and clawing. Especially the figurative kind. Because a thick rope is included with the treemail, Bobby Jon quickly concludes that it's likely to be a tug of war. In an interview, Danni says that there are a lot of good athletes on Nakum, but that Yaxha has stayed with them so far. She points out that they know Steph is strong, and then she says this: "I work in sports radio back in Kansas City, and Gary used to be a professional football player, so. He was a quarterback. Quarterbacks, though, aren't usually as athletic as the rest of the football players, but." And then she laughs and points out that Gary has "been holding his own," so they'll have to see how he does. So what do you know? Gary Hogeboom is Hoge-busted.