Welcome to Guatemala, where the ruins are spectacular, the jungle is brutal, and the vomiting is plentiful. In a major change of pace from the cushy, dumped-on-the-beach landings of the last several seasons, this season opens with a truly brutal eleven-mile hike through the jungle that leaves a substantial chunk of the winning tribe flat on its back, throwing up and cramping and not quite having the photogenic good time they might have been expecting. Speaking of not what they were expecting, the sixteen contestants who first arrive in Guatemala find that each tribe has been assigned a returning contestant to add to the ranks. And who are the second-chance lucky ducks? Stephenie and Bobby Jon, seen so very recently in Palau. Stephenie kicks off her season, predictably, by losing the reward hike, but after Bobby Jon becomes one of the walking wounded on his tribe, her tribe rallies to win immunity. Wow, Steph never wins immunity! Anyway, at tribal council, the Nakum tribe is supposedly highly unsure whom it should boot, given that several of its men -- including Bobby Jon -- are flagging physically. But when what may be the most severe injury of all is the one suffered by the old guy? It's not too hard to figure out what's about to happen. Say goodbye to Jim, gone before his time thanks to gray hair and a failed bicep. Overall, though, a good start to the season -- not nearly as cushy and dull as some, and featuring some people, like Margaret the nurse-practitioner, who may not be impossible to like. Farmer Brandon, however, is dead to me immediately, as a result of his very early use of the non-word "supposably."
Previously on Survivor: Islands and jerks. A lot of islands, but really, even more jerks.
We approach a fog-shrouded tower that looks rather like the Filthy Wedding Cake Of The Damned, and then we pause for a glance at speed-demon footage of clouds blowing across a rising sun. That stands for mysticism. The mist hangs over the trees. Ruins jut up toward the clouds. And then, Jeff Probst is staring out at us, and we realize that Just For Men hair color is this year's Pontiac Aztek. He watches us earnestly, as he walks toward the camera and declares that these ruins are "thousands of years old." Even older than his shtick. But I kid Jeff Probst! The ruins are what is left of a "powerful and sophisticated civilization," making them the perfect place for -- you know it -- pixelized asses. I mean, whatever deity you worship, you've got to be able to get behind that. Drums pick up as we jolt all around the ruins and all around Guatemala and quite possibly all around Margaritaville, judging by all the disembodied palm trees. Probst mentions the Maya and their "advanced celestial knowledge," and their resulting "uncanny ability to calculate time." Of course, in the end, the entire culture "mysteriously vanished," just like Atlantis and Playing It Straight.
Jeff reminds us of the "exotic and dangerous wildlife." "I am exotic!" says a passing monkey. "I am dangerous!" adds a furry spider. A couple of jaguars, a poisonous snake, and a crocodile round out the Love Boat-style rundown of the entire cast. ("Starring this terrifying, eye-gouging crow as Your Yeoman Purser.") Probst tells us that the environment is "unforgiving," just like members of the jury, and that "even the strongest" will be brought "to their knees." Just like Joey.
We get our first shot of the new Survivors as Jeff says that this "group of Americans" (Bite it, Canada! Try again, France! Smell ya later, Trinidad and Tobago!) will begin "the adventure of a lifetime." (As opposed to the adventure of Lifetime, which involves being stalked by Antonio Sabato, Jr.) Jeff says that the teams have been divided into tribes, and that they're currently "hiking to a destination unknown." I love it when Jeff makes with the tortured syntax. Hott! We watch the survivors, all of whom have been through the jungle on a hike with no name, and then there's this thing that looks like the universally feared Screeching Tree Monkey Bear, and things are beginning to seem kind of dicey for these innocent actor/waiter/bartenders. Jeff explains that the strangers will "create a new society," which he just keeps on saying every season, even though it's stupid now. Although I would like to see them become a matriarchal commune sometime, just to screw with production. Blah blah blah, million dollars, spider and scorpion conspiring together, escalating music, Probst: "Thirty-nine days! Eighteen people! One survivor!" He's totally not hanging out of a plane or anything, either. He's just standing at the top of a big wad of ruins. Like, unless they want me to be afraid the rocks are going to fall on him, that's a huge letdown.
Credits. The best part of the credits is the completely gratuitous ass shot of one of the girls. "Meet her ass, meet her ass, please don't say that we are crass!" Good gravy, people, how did you get that shot without snagging the Steadicam on her waistband? There isn't a Speedo-driven dick shot of one of the guys, so why do we have to open on such a sour note?
Ruins. The survivors enter over a little rise and walk down a path. They arrange themselves on two mats, already divided into what will apparently be their tribes. Jeff looks at them knowingly, based on his past experience at never having done what they're doing ever, at all. When they're all arranged, he says, "Welcome to Survivor Guatemala." This is where I expect someone to jump up and say, "Hey, I didn't think you looked like Donald Trump! Where the hell am I?" Jeff tells them that they are standing in the ruins of the Maya civilization, and that, for thirty-nine days, they'll be in amongst the ruins, trying not to break stuff. He gives one flag to the Nakum tribe, and then he gives one to the Yaxha tribe. I am foregoing the accents on those, in case you can't tell. Because...come on. The season is really long. At any rate, Probst tells the contestants that when they get to their respective camps, they'll find "a few items used by the Maya" that will allow them to survive. Judging from the little shots that are inserted here, there are pots and then there are a lot of rocks for pounding and cutting. Kind of a stone-based society, it would seem. Too bad it's not one based on Rice Krispies. That would avoid a lot of unnecessary hunger, it seems to me.
And then, Jeff adds, each tribe will get "one other tool." He turns up toward a high tower of ruins and says, "Come on out." The survivors -- several of whom are clearly surprised to see anyone other than themselves referred to as "tools" -- look up expectantly. From above, two figures emerge. Green shirt, melon shirt. The survivors peer up. And then...the figures salute. Wearing the green shirt is one Bobby Jon, bug-eyed crazy boy. Wearing the melon shirt is Stephenie, the toughest competitor to never win a damn thing, bless her heart. The new survivors applaud and smile and laugh in recognition. Jeff reminds them who these people are -- they're from Palau, of course -- and then the two climb down and make their way toward the group. Jeff calls them "proven Survivor players," leaving open what it is they proved, exactly, other than that they can get on television twice. He calls Steph "arguably the strongest woman ever to play this game," and calls Bobby Jon "a strong competitor at challenges and in day-to-day camp living, arguably the hardest-working survivor ever." That's a lot of uses of "arguably" in a short period of time, I have to say. Jeff is arguably the most hyperbole-prone host on television. Bobby Jon and Stephenie receive a round of applause from the rest of the group, which I think is highly weird, and then Jeff throws Steph a blue buff, telling her she's a member of Yaxha. Bobby Jon is a member of Nakum. The women of Yaxha are particularly squealy, since there are clearly some big Steph fans among them. Also excited is Brian, the "Ivy League Student," who interviews that he's "in love with Stephenie," so he was excited to have her on the team.
There are some interesting issues here involving whether bringing back old players is a good idea, as well as whether this is even fair to the other people in the group. And I started giving it some thought, but then I found myself staring at Bobby Jon, and I thought, "He would call me 'ma'am,' I bet," and then I hugged myself, and then I passed out.
Brianna ("Retail Salesperson," like, don't get too specific or anything, Miss Works At The Sharper Image Or Possibly Big Lots) adds that she cried at the sight of Steph, whom she considers "such an inspiration." Jamie ("Water-Ski Instructor," ewwwww) says that he, on the other hand, wasn't crying. He was thinking, "How am I going to win a million dollars now that she's here?" Gee, I don't know, Jamie. By waiting for her to lose about a million consecutive immunity challenges? Just a suggestion. She's proved that she can do it. Over at Nakum, Danni announces that it was good to have Bobby Jon on their team. "A man is just stronger than a woman is," she says. Well, I think it's a good thing she's not on Stephenie's team, then. ["Danni, thank you for making such a terrible first impression that I completely loathe you instantly." -- Wing Chun] Oh, and Danni is a "sports radio host" who thinks Bobby Jon is "easy on the eyes." Cindy ("Zookeeper") praises Bobby Jon's ability to not quit. Brandon ("Farmer" and "Dork" and "Cowboy Hat Guy" and "Language Abuser") says, "Bobby Jon's a tough worker, supposably [sic], so I hear, I don't know, we'll have to see, but, you know, he's kind of a little bit dumb, I guess you'd say." Sigh. Maybe Farmer Brandon would be better called "Pot."
Probst explains that Steph and Bobby Jon are full members of their tribes. They vote, they compete, and they can be voted off. Then, he moves on to explaining the first challenge, which is for reward. The challenge is an eleven-mile (!) race through the jungle. Jeff promises poisonous snakes and crocodiles. The first tribe to finish will get the better of the two camps, and will also get flint to make fire. Jeff tells them that they'll need to pace themselves on the hike, because it's...did he mention eleven miles? In the jungle? They'll know the end is near (not like that!) when they see their tribe canoes. He tells them that they'll take off in opposite directions, where they'll find a compass and a map, as well as water, fruit, and bags of corn. They'll have to decide what to carry. (Not the iron! Don't take the iron!) Jeff will see them at the finish. Ready? Go.
The teams scatter. Nakum arrives at its pile of provisions, and Brooke ("Law Student") interviews that they had some "mass chaos" over what to take along. Farmer Brandon cracks open some fruit or other for them to eat while they prepare for the hike. Margaret ("Nurse Practitioner" and "Rare Contestant Who Doesn't Suck") says that coming up with a strategy was a little difficult. They grab up some provisions and leave, as Farmer Brandon tells us that he last hiked eleven miles "never." Karma kicks him in the ass as he runs off to his tribe and immediately falls down. Oh, karma. You are the only player never to let me down.
Bobby Jon interviews that he was thrilled to be back on the show and have another shot. He says, however, that he wanted to get his team moving. "Because I guarantee you," he says, "Miss Stephenie's over there running things, and she won't take time. You drop it, you leave it, you go." I think he's scared of her, which is a little bit funny, considering how much they lost together. It doesn't diminish my great affection for her when I tell you that she would definitely win if there were ever a challenge revolving around propaganda.
At Yaxha, Steph is indeed urging the team to get moving. She interviews that while the team might view her experience as an asset, she also was a bit of "an outsider." True, that. A woman in a pink shirt announces to Steph that Steph is the reason she came on the show. As for Steph herself, she worries to us about both being a threat and not living up to inflated expectations, both of which are probably legitimate worries, which does a lot to make this more fair, as far as I'm concerned. She's got legitimate disadvantages compared to everyone else, as does Bobby Jon, and that makes it easier to accept the basic artificiality of all this. Stephenie's tribe takes off.
Monkey in a tree.
Nakum reviews its map and directions, which instruct the group to walk straight until they come to "the old archeological road," which is a mile and a quarter away. It makes sense, I guess, that they would have an old archeological road. Probably teeming with old archeologists. In order to move in a straight line, they devise a system in which Jim ("Retired Fire Captain") sends somebody up ahead to a spot that's exactly in the right direction, and then they all walk to that person. It's not a bad plan, actually, although as they acknowledge, it's slow.
In one of my favorite shots, a bunch of little bugs carry great big leaves around that are about twenty times as big as they are. That's just cool. Because seriously, who hasn't had that day? Yaxha (now listed as "Trailing") tromps through the jungle as well. They appear to be under the leadership of Gary, a tall gentleman with a gray buzzcut. Rafe ("Wilderness Guide") interviews that he wanted nothing to do with leadership, since it's a great way to put an early target on your back. There are exceptions, of course, but he's definitely got a point, especially if you cross the line from leading to bossing. And Gary, Rafe points out, was the clear leader. Partly because he was tall, which is awesomely funny, in this certain way. It's also true. (Hey, I don't make this stuff up. Read Blink.) As they walk, Gary is asked what he does for a living. "A little landscaping business," he answers.
In an interview, Gary ("Ex-NFL Quarterback" -- aha!) explains that he told them that he was a landscaper, because he didn't want to admit to his dark, seedy, NFL past. Eleven years in the NFL, specifically, although it was fifteen years ago. He explains that his real name is Gary Hogeboom, but he's going by Gary Hawkins, landscaper, and if anyone recognizes him from looking at him, he plans to deny being Gary Hogeboom. I may have to say "Hogeboom" a few more times; we'll have to wait and see. Still, this all seems a little foolish to me, because (1) I'm not sure they'd vote him out because he was in the NFL fifteen years ago; (2) I'm not sure how many people would recognize the name out of context anyway among these particular people; (3) I don't have any confidence that it's possible to keep up a charade about what you did with perhaps twenty years of your life for thirty-nine days when people have nothing to do but tell stories; (4) anybody coincidentally savvy enough to recognize, on sight and out of context, a low-end NFL quarterback from fifteen years ago isn't going to successfully be convinced that you just happen to be a different extremely tall guy named "Gary H." whose past is shrouded in mystery; and (5) getting found out -- which I think he would if he were around the entire time -- as a guy who lied consistently and intentionally for a significant period of time would be far worse than getting found out as a guy who was a football player a long time ago. I'm just not sure Gary's secret identity is really all that necessary except in his own head, where he is clearly still very famous. ["What I want is for, like, Joe Montana to get cast and be all, 'No, you guys, I'm Joe Morris! I'm an orthodontist!" -- Wing Chun]
Steph explains that she and Gary were the navigators for Yaxha. Gary talks about how they did do some wrong things along the way, but that his "paternal instincts" couldn't help taking over with all these "young people" around. You know those NFL players. If I were the rest of his team, I do believe I'd be on the lookout for noogies.
Nakum, still in the lead, continues to bushwhack, with Bobby Jon the lead whacker. This does not look like fun at all, I have to say. Judd ("Hotel Doorman") reminds us that eleven miles through the jungle is a little crazed. He calls it "one of the toughest things [he's] ever done." "I never even went camping," he adds. So, you know, he's well prepared. Margaret gazes down at the compass and observes that she hopes the Depths Of The Flesh-Eating Jungle portion of the trip ends soon, because it is getting kind of dark. As Bobby Jon sets up another point-to-point leg for the tribe to follow, a holler goes up from the back of the group. As it turns out, Blake ("Real Estate Broker") has been whacked with a branch from a tree that looks like, seriously, the meanest goddamn tree I've ever seen. That tree has the ugliest looking prickers on it...holy crap. You know how Charlie Brown had the Kite-Eating Tree? If the kite had a Charlie-Brown-Eating Tree, it would look exactly like that thing. Margaret works at extracting briars from Blake's shoulder as the team waits. It's kind of like they're members of organized crime and she's taking a bullet out of his shoulder, except that in organized crime, things would presumably be more organized. Margaret says she's been a nurse for twenty-five years, mostly doing trauma. Now that is a useful lady. Blake says that he doesn't feel any more spikes in his flesh, so Margaret has him stand up so that they can leave.
Trailing Yaxha walks in the near-darkness. Before you know it, they're walking in the actual darkness, so we have the season's first experience with night-vision-cam. Steph explains that they didn't want to stop, but that it was totally dark, and they were in the jungle, so they had to stop and wait until it was light out. She thinks that Nakum isn't far ahead of them, and she expects to see the other team in the morning. "I'm not starting out Guatemala on the losing team...terrible," she chuckles. She has known a lot of losing, that's for sure.
Later, Nakum has stopped for the night as well, and Blake is throwing up -- which we get to hear in all its gagging glory. He comments that the injury to his shoulder seems to be the source. While that sounded weird to me at first, and rather reminiscent of a "Why is she limping?"; "Because she has an arrow in her chest" exchange back in the days of Mystery Science Theater 3000, Margaret confirms that she thinks the shoulder hurts so much that the "pain response" is making Blake feel nauseated. She says they're just hoping he'll be well in the morning.
Early in the morning of Day 2, at Yaxha, Amy ("Police Sergeant") says that the tribe started hearing animal noises. They remind Amy of Predator. Hee. She looks up and sees -- you guessed it -- a monkey in a tree. Clearly, this is the motif of the season. Sometimes it's volcanoes, sometimes it's pirates, and sometimes, it's a monkey in a tree. Anyway. Amy freaks out thusly: "I'm like, 'Oh my Gawwwd, I can't believe this,'" she reports. Brian urges his team to get up and go if they want to be ahead of Nakum. He interviews that while his aggressiveness made people "cranky" (oh, I know the feeling), "they knew [he] was right." Nothing like a guy who takes note every time people agree with him. Everybody loves that, God knows. So Yaxha is off. And before long, they spot Nakum, so they've caught up, just the way Miss Stephenie promised. Morgan ("Magician's Assistant[, No, Really]") says that they were excited to catch up. Margaret, on the other hand, reports from the Nakum side that they weren't excited at all about the meetup of tribes. It's raining as both tribes arrive, essentially together, at what seems to be the road they were looking for. Cindy, of Nakum, says that her tribe wanted to pour it on and get out ahead, and she compares their reaction to seeing the competition to Seabiscuit. All righty. Don't think I'd be looking for more horse comparisons this early in the game if I were a woman on this show, but to each her own.
Steph tries to move Yaxha along faster, but as she explains, Lydia and Amy -- the ones who "aren't as fit" -- aren't fast enough. Yaxha falls behind again. I missed you, Stephenie!
Up at Nakum, Bobby Jon is having a problem. As he explains it, he suddenly got extremely cold, and his body cramped all up. He lies on the ground, apologizing the entire time, because he is such a pathetic slacker, as we all know. Margaret works on his legs as Cindy explains that Bobby Jon overdid it, carrying two bags of corn the entire time and getting himself overtired and dehydrated. Which he totally would, because he's totally the guy who does a lot more than he should, and then also the guy who ignores pain for the first two hours until he turns himself into a pretzel of sinew. He keeps trying to get up, and Margaret manages to keep him down a little bit longer while she tries to help iron out the cramps. Cindy adds that she thinks it surprised people to see Bobby Jon go down like that. And I agree.
Morgan, of the trailing Yaxha, tries to get the team to speed up. Up at Nakum, they see that they are approaching water, meaning they're probably getting near the promised boats that indicate the end of the Hike That Hydration Forgot. Down by the boats, Judd splashes in the water, explaining that he was just about used up by this point. He says "winded," because it sounds better than "approximately 68% dead." Brooke reads the team's directions, which indicate a paddle to a pier, and then a run to the winner's camp. Everybody crawls into the boat. Almost there! Stay alive! No matter what occurs!
Nakum isn't too far into its journey when Yaxha appears back on the shore and clambers into its boat. Brian interviews that they were shocked to see Nakum right there in the boat, because Yaxha wasn't nearly as far behind as they thought. "We just booked it to our canoe," he brags, as if they aren't about to lose.
Paddling, paddling. Up ahead, the ruins, surrounded by lush greenery, await. Nakum comes up to the dock, but Judd jumps out early and finds himself up to his neck in mud. Granted, he's sort of lying on his belly, but still. The ability to get yourself stranded in a foot of muck doesn't exactly make people think you're the horse to bet on in that punishing swimming challenge. Farmer Brandon Beavises that Judd had a "premature evacuation." Wow, he is so incredibly hilarious that it almost reduces my desire to poke him in the eye. Meanwhile, Bobby Jon has trouble just getting out of the canoe, so very crampy are his poor legs. The editing attempts to convince us that Yaxha is fast approaching. "I know it was dehydration, but I've never felt that type of pain before," Bobby Jon says, and from what you know of him if you know anything, you know that's obviously true, given the way he's stuck in the boat. Ultimately, he extracts himself, vowing to "suck it up." Nakum makes its tired way up the path until it comes across Jeff Probst, wearing a dorky green hat. That may be a Tilley, y'all. Jeff congratulates Nakum on finishing first.
Back in the Yaxha boat, the team gets to the dock and extracts its gear from the boat. Close, but no cigar. Er, fire.
Jeff congratulates Nakum on winning the better camp, and he gives them their tribe flag. Better yet, they get that flint, which goes to Margaret, appropriately enough. At least you know she won't lose it, eat it, or forget where it is, which is more than I can say for the average Survivor contestant. Margaret is really busting the curve as far as usefulness. Now, Yaxha approaches. Jeff tells them not to get settled in, because they're not staying here. He explains again that they will be at the sucky camp, and he gives them a map that will show them how to get there. He gives them their tribe flag, too, which is a moment you can always tell that Jeff really cares about and everyone else totally doesn't. Yaxha wanders off as Steph voices over that while they lost, she still thinks they "kicked butt." Well, it was good of her, at least, to get things off to a traditional start by getting knocked on her ass. She also says, and I am not inclined to disagree, that it's the hardest challenge the show has ever done. Eleven miles? Twenty-four hours? Through the jungle? Yeah, I can't think of one off the top of my head that was any harder. I certainly can't think of one I would rather not do, unless it's one of the ones where you have to make your mother eat rotten snakes or something. I do like my mother. Anyway, Yaxha piles into its boat to head for camp.
thing you know, crocodile! As Morgan (still a "Magician's Assistant," I SWEAR) explains, they weren't in a great mood heading off to camp, what with the losing. Steph Jerseys the hell out of the statement that they had to paddle "awwwwl the way across the lake" to get to their new camp after they lost. She sounds exactly like my brother-in-law would sound if he were on this show. Except that he would be humming something by Rush. Anyway, the weary Yaxha heads into the jungle, and when they finally find camp, they start by wondering what the pots and such are for. Quickly, though, they stop wondering about practical things like tools and decide to give themselves a pep talk by chatting about shelter, quickly settling on a lean-to as the preferred structure for this particular spot. As the team works on the shelter, Steph interviews that she's very relieved to finally be on a tribe that has "as much heart and determination" as she does. I certainly hope that will be the one and only mention of that during the season, because dissing your former tribe is a one-to-a-customer event, really. Furthermore, her entire tribe didn't suck last time, although seriously...she did have Kim and all those gross people on her team. And she had Jeff the Ankle Quitter, and it was just...her team was lame, seriously. Rafe adds that while they were "dead tired," they were revived by their "Yaxha spirit." Ewww. I hate spirit. Also, Rafe needs to sound less like he's recruiting for the It's A Small World ride at Disneyland.
Back over at Nakum as Day 2 drags on, things are not as cheery as you might expect. Because the first thing we see is the yellow tribe flag, but the first thing we hear is...hurling. Coming, specifically, from Blake, whom Margaret asks how he's doing. We have the joy of actually seeing some yellowish stuff come right out of Blake's yawp, so thanks for that, Emmy-nominated post-production types. With just the gagging, I definitely wouldn't have gotten the point. Margaret tells us that the trip through the jungle was very dehydrating for people, and we see that Judd is also bent over throwing up. And again, we are treated to a lovely visual of the absolute fountain of what fortunately looks like mostly water issuing forth. Jim throws up. I'm really not feeling that well myself.
And, of course, we still have Bobby Jon, currently lying flat on his back, looking like he's about 10% attached to reality and 90% enjoying the scenery in what would for a luckier person be a land of prescription painkillers. In fact, Margaret now comes over to check on Bobby Jon, and he's right on the edge of passing out, which you can tell from the way his eyes keep rolling back in his head. Eeeeew. Margaret keeps saying Bobby Jon's name, and he keeps trying so hard to stay with her and focus, and he can't, and it's verrrry creepy. I don't want to see that much of the private areas of anyone's eyeballs. Some things are only meant to be displayed to your own retinas. Brooke asks Margaret if she should pour some water on Bobby Jon's face, and Margaret says yes, because he really is about three seconds from passing out if Margaret stops saying his name. So Brooke hits him with a little water. Bobby Jon expresses his gratitude in an interview in which he says, "If it hadn't been for Margaret, I really felt I might have had a seizure." And I'm inclined to agree. "It's a nightmare," he says. "Palau was recess compared to Guatemala." It certainly does look that way to me. Somehow, I'm not thinking Kim would have made it eleven miles through the jungle in the first place. Margaret comments in an interview about how all the guys are dropping like flies, despite being gigantically strong. In other news, Bobby Jon's foot currently looks like it is made of cottage cheese wrapped in white tissue paper. Eeeeew.
Margaret tells Danni that they just need to be going around and passing out water to the sick. It's turning into a Civil War movie, kind of, and we're right on the verge of the bandage-rolling. Cindy explains that the whole thing had become "bittersweet," because on one hand, they had won the challenge and gotten the better camp. On the other hand, half the team was dead. "If we lose them, it's not even worth having all of this," she comments. It's nice to know she doesn't think a nicer camp is worth a bunch of people looking like they've accidentally spent a little too much time on the set of Survivor Exsanguinated.
Night falls. The moon is in the sky, as expected. Blake is undoubtedly still throwing up, as expected.
Morning. Day 3. Survivor Hell. A furry spider, on the other hand, is having the time of its life. Steph and Amy go and get some treemail, and when they take it back to Yaxha, the crew finds out that it suggests...well, nothing, really, except for the usual blather about winning and losing and not being last. As the tribe chats before the challenge, Steph voices over that having another shot at winning immunity is "exciting" for her. Because...you know. She never did. Ever. Win immunity.
Meanwhile, at Nakum, they review the treemail as Bobby Jon voices over that the tribe isn't in good shape physically, which is a concern going into the challenge. Margaret insists that nobody is going home. Bobby Jon adds in an interview that the women are stronger than the men right now, but that they can still win if the guys really pour it on. Not exactly your typical posture going into an opening challenge.
Challenge beach. The teams arrive, and Jeff welcomes the unwieldy, large crowd. Thin the herd! Thin the herd! Jeff pulls a cloth off the immunity idol, and the entire group cheers, because they're not sure what the hell else to do. Jeff, still wearing the dork hat, goes through his usual spiel about the importance of immunity, as if they don't know, which is, at this point, kind of like Alex Trebek explaining that the objective of Jeopardy! is to wind up with more money than anyone else. I'm pretty sure laughing is considered rude.
Jeff says that the challenge is based on the way that the Maya transported material for pyramids. First, all nine of them will get in a boat and paddle out to grab a torch, going around a buoy on the way. Then once they reach land again, they'll have to pull the boat up the shore by having four people run up the hill, sit facing the boat, and start hauling it in on a big rope. The boat will be moved by allowing it to roll over a series of logs. When you leave a log behind, you move it up to the front, and so forth. ("This is how the Maya did it," Jeff says, just as if he'd been there, which he was, compared to his girlfriend. Yeah, I said it.) Once you get the boat up across the finish line, the torch-carrier lights a fire with the torch, and your team is done. First to finish -- duh! -- wins immunity. Furthermore, Yaxha will, should it win, get fire. You can tell Jeff really loves the way he looks in that damn hat.
"Ready...go!" The teams are off. They get their boats into the water roughly even. But at the buoy, Yaxha gets around smoothly, while Nakum gets hung up. Yaxha gets itself headed back with a lead, but only a very slight one. By the time they hit the beach with the boats, it's basically neck and neck. Bobby Jon, Brandon, Blake, and Judd go off to row with Nakum. "Jim, gonna stay back with the women!" Probst says loudly. And...come on, Jeff. Don't be an asshole. There are five guys. Only four guys are allowed to pull. Furthermore, since when did "stay back with the women" become any way to talk? At any rate, for Yaxha, Jamie, Gary, Brian, and Rafe go off to pull. See, they have five women, so nobody has to stay behind with them. There is lots of pulling and rolling. Yaxha reaches its first obstacle when Steph's foot gets caught under a log, and for a moment, it seems that horrifying flashbacks are to be the order of the day. But her foot gets free, and Yaxha makes up the lost time fairly quickly. Over at Nakum, Danni gets herself caught under a log as well, and then Cindy has one on her foot. They're really not getting the hang of this too well, as far as not crushing their own limbs. I'm not sure that bodes well. Yaxha builds a lead. And before you know it, Yaxha is past the finish line, and Lydia runs up and lights their fire. And Stephenie, wonder of wonders, has just won immunity for the very first time. And, as we all know must happen, Bobby Jon punches himself in the face, which is awesome. What this show needs, always, is more people who know how to abuse themselves so that I don't have to. Jeff gives them the idol, and then he gives them their flint. He points out to Steph that this will be her first time sitting out a tribal council, and she is actually in tears. That's how much Stephenie did not want to lose any more damn challenges. Nakum, meanwhile, is reminded that they will have to head to tribal council tonight to boot someone. I wonder who it will be!
As Nakum returns to camp later, a crocodile looms. Margaret tells us that the team worked its way back from having four essentially dead-in-the-water guys yesterday, and then we see that Jim is still in some trouble, though not the same trouble as before. But hey, he's only the old guy who appears not to have any friends. There's no reason to believe he would be in danger of being booted. Asked when he felt whatever this is that's going on in the arm he's cradling in his shirt, Jim says that he felt it pop when he lifted the boat thinking everyone was grabbing it, and that it was just him. Judd immediately leaps in to insist that he was carrying it too, but I don't think that was Jim's point. I think he was just saying that the timing was off, not blaming anyone. Judd is very, very defensive, to the point where I think he might have snapped Jim's arm out of pure spite. Jim explains in an interview that his bicep actually snapped, and that's...the third "eeeeew" of the recap. That's got to be a record for one not involving Dawson Leery. Jim reclines against a tree, clearly in some serious hurt.
Judd and Brooke go for a walk, and she talks about how relatively well she's doing. She tells us in an interview that she's bummed that someone has to leave when none of them deserves to. None of the women should go, she explains, given the endurance they've shown. We watch as Brooke chitchats with some others about how "Bobby Jon was the sickest yesterday," as if they're considering voting him off. Which they had better not be.
And then? The return of the Screaming Bear Monkey. I hate that thing.
Farmer Brandon interviews that they might have to vote off one of the "crippled, broke-down guys," going on to suggest that he's not even sure half of the people on his tribe will make it. He is officially the first person in the comeuppance line, that's for sure. Margaret gives some water to Jim, and then offers an interview in which she says that strategizing about voting while several people are partially dead isn't easy. Of course, it's also sort of unnecessary when one of the injured is the old guy anyway. She makes a comment about how all three of the worst-off guys -- Jim, Blake, and Bobby Jon -- are great people, but that "it's all about who can help carry this team forward." Jim! Keep Jim! He's got enough heart for three arms!
Later. Tribal council. The tribe descends on a defenseless ruin. Or, as Wing suspects, "ruin." ["I just don't believe Guatemala would let the production crew mess around on anything of genuine archeological significance." -- Wing Chun] Jeff makes them all grab torches. Fire is life, blah bling blah. I don't know how he can stand to look at himself in the mirror anymore. He starts by telling them that they are in authentic ruins where leaders would "decide the fate of their people." He goes on: "Couldn't be a more fitting spot for tribal council." And I totally agree, as long as you replace "fitting" with "totally inappropriate." He first asks about the very difficult opening task, and asks Blake for thoughts. Blake, unsurprisingly, stops puking just long enough to reflect on how sick everyone was. Jeff asks Bobby Jon how it went for him, as if Jeff doesn't know. "I don't like gettin' beat down like that," Bobby Jon offers. He says he knows he could go tonight, and that he hopes he won't, but that he recognizes that few people get two chances like he's getting. I hope he doesn't remind the rest of his team of that too many times. Jeff asks Danni whether she was surprised at how the young guys went down. She says that she was surprised, but then she gives a little speech about how men have more physical strength, but women have more endurance. That's certainly better than the flat-out "men are stronger" thing she hit us with at the opening of the episode. She adds that the guys were also carrying a lot of the stuff.
Jeff moves on to Judd, asking whether finding himself laid out made him wonder if he was in trouble. Judd, officially the most spazzy person ever in an opening tribal council, insists that he wasn't that badly screwed up in the first place. Only for an hour! What are you saying? He was not! He did not! You take that back! I think you need to be flat on your back! "I don't know what to tell you! I'm ready to do a back flip if you want me to!" I'm so very tired of him already, I have to say. "I just asked a simple question," Jeff points out cuttingly. And correctly. Jeff asks about the immunity challenge. He wants to know what's up with Jim's arm, and Jim repeats that it's in an improvised sling, because he snapped his muscle on the boat. Jeff moves on to Margaret, asking her what she's thinking as far as what the tribe needs to do in order to be more successful. Margaret says that they're all trying to figure out how to pace themselves and save their energy.
Time for voting. Blake votes. Judd votes, saying, "You're one of the toughest dudes I've met." Bobby Jon votes. Danni votes. Brooke votes: "I know you're a fighter, and I know you don't want to quit." Cindy votes. Margaret votes.
Jeff is off to tally. Tally, Jeff, tally! All the votes he reads are for Jim, so that will do it for the old guy. That was...not very close. If you didn't know they were voting off the old guy with the snapped arm, I'm putting you in the remedial class, where you will clean erasers, sequestered with Wanda for all eternity. Jim leaves, and Jeff basically tells them that it seems like their challenge will be trying not to keel over before the thirty-nine days are up. (Roughly translated.) He sends them back to camp.
My TiVo decided to cut out before the final speech and the promo for week, but I can tell you this much: Jim voted for Margaret. Jerk.