Big Trek, Big Trouble, Big Surprise

Previously on Survivor: Islands and jerks. A lot of islands, but really, even more jerks.

We approach a fog-shrouded tower that looks rather like the Filthy Wedding Cake Of The Damned, and then we pause for a glance at speed-demon footage of clouds blowing across a rising sun. That stands for mysticism. The mist hangs over the trees. Ruins jut up toward the clouds. And then, Jeff Probst is staring out at us, and we realize that Just For Men hair color is this year's Pontiac Aztek. He watches us earnestly, as he walks toward the camera and declares that these ruins are "thousands of years old." Even older than his shtick. But I kid Jeff Probst! The ruins are what is left of a "powerful and sophisticated civilization," making them the perfect place for -- you know it -- pixelized asses. I mean, whatever deity you worship, you've got to be able to get behind that. Drums pick up as we jolt all around the ruins and all around Guatemala and quite possibly all around Margaritaville, judging by all the disembodied palm trees. Probst mentions the Maya and their "advanced celestial knowledge," and their resulting "uncanny ability to calculate time." Of course, in the end, the entire culture "mysteriously vanished," just like Atlantis and Playing It Straight.

Jeff reminds us of the "exotic and dangerous wildlife." "I am exotic!" says a passing monkey. "I am dangerous!" adds a furry spider. A couple of jaguars, a poisonous snake, and a crocodile round out the Love Boat-style rundown of the entire cast. ("Starring this terrifying, eye-gouging crow as Your Yeoman Purser.") Probst tells us that the environment is "unforgiving," just like members of the jury, and that "even the strongest" will be brought "to their knees." Just like Joey.

We get our first shot of the new Survivors as Jeff says that this "group of Americans" (Bite it, Canada! Try again, France! Smell ya later, Trinidad and Tobago!) will begin "the adventure of a lifetime." (As opposed to the adventure of Lifetime, which involves being stalked by Antonio Sabato, Jr.) Jeff says that the teams have been divided into tribes, and that they're currently "hiking to a destination unknown." I love it when Jeff makes with the tortured syntax. Hott! We watch the survivors, all of whom have been through the jungle on a hike with no name, and then there's this thing that looks like the universally feared Screeching Tree Monkey Bear, and things are beginning to seem kind of dicey for these innocent actor/waiter/bartenders. Jeff explains that the strangers will "create a new society," which he just keeps on saying every season, even though it's stupid now. Although I would like to see them become a matriarchal commune sometime, just to screw with production. Blah blah blah, million dollars, spider and scorpion conspiring together, escalating music, Probst: "Thirty-nine days! Eighteen people! One survivor!" He's totally not hanging out of a plane or anything, either. He's just standing at the top of a big wad of ruins. Like, unless they want me to be afraid the rocks are going to fall on him, that's a huge letdown.

Credits. The best part of the credits is the completely gratuitous ass shot of one of the girls. "Meet her ass, meet her ass, please don't say that we are crass!" Good gravy, people, how did you get that shot without snagging the Steadicam on her waistband? There isn't a Speedo-driven dick shot of one of the guys, so why do we have to open on such a sour note?

Ruins. The survivors enter over a little rise and walk down a path. They arrange themselves on two mats, already divided into what will apparently be their tribes. Jeff looks at them knowingly, based on his past experience at never having done what they're doing ever, at all. When they're all arranged, he says, "Welcome to Survivor Guatemala." This is where I expect someone to jump up and say, "Hey, I didn't think you looked like Donald Trump! Where the hell am I?" Jeff tells them that they are standing in the ruins of the Maya civilization, and that, for thirty-nine days, they'll be in amongst the ruins, trying not to break stuff. He gives one flag to the Nakum tribe, and then he gives one to the Yaxha tribe. I am foregoing the accents on those, in case you can't tell. Because...come on. The season is really long. At any rate, Probst tells the contestants that when they get to their respective camps, they'll find "a few items used by the Maya" that will allow them to survive. Judging from the little shots that are inserted here, there are pots and then there are a lot of rocks for pounding and cutting. Kind of a stone-based society, it would seem. Too bad it's not one based on Rice Krispies. That would avoid a lot of unnecessary hunger, it seems to me.

And then, Jeff adds, each tribe will get "one other tool." He turns up toward a high tower of ruins and says, "Come on out." The survivors -- several of whom are clearly surprised to see anyone other than themselves referred to as "tools" -- look up expectantly. From above, two figures emerge. Green shirt, melon shirt. The survivors peer up. And then...the figures salute. Wearing the green shirt is one Bobby Jon, bug-eyed crazy boy. Wearing the melon shirt is Stephenie, the toughest competitor to never win a damn thing, bless her heart. The new survivors applaud and smile and laugh in recognition. Jeff reminds them who these people are -- they're from Palau, of course -- and then the two climb down and make their way toward the group. Jeff calls them "proven Survivor players," leaving open what it is they proved, exactly, other than that they can get on television twice. He calls Steph "arguably the strongest woman ever to play this game," and calls Bobby Jon "a strong competitor at challenges and in day-to-day camp living, arguably the hardest-working survivor ever." That's a lot of uses of "arguably" in a short period of time, I have to say. Jeff is arguably the most hyperbole-prone host on television. Bobby Jon and Stephenie receive a round of applause from the rest of the group, which I think is highly weird, and then Jeff throws Steph a blue buff, telling her she's a member of Yaxha. Bobby Jon is a member of Nakum. The women of Yaxha are particularly squealy, since there are clearly some big Steph fans among them. Also excited is Brian, the "Ivy League Student," who interviews that he's "in love with Stephenie," so he was excited to have her on the team.

There are some interesting issues here involving whether bringing back old players is a good idea, as well as whether this is even fair to the other people in the group. And I started giving it some thought, but then I found myself staring at Bobby Jon, and I thought, "He would call me 'ma'am,' I bet," and then I hugged myself, and then I passed out.

Brianna ("Retail Salesperson," like, don't get too specific or anything, Miss Works At The Sharper Image Or Possibly Big Lots) adds that she cried at the sight of Steph, whom she considers "such an inspiration." Jamie ("Water-Ski Instructor," ewwwww) says that he, on the other hand, wasn't crying. He was thinking, "How am I going to win a million dollars now that she's here?" Gee, I don't know, Jamie. By waiting for her to lose about a million consecutive immunity challenges? Just a suggestion. She's proved that she can do it. Over at Nakum, Danni announces that it was good to have Bobby Jon on their team. "A man is just stronger than a woman is," she says. Well, I think it's a good thing she's not on Stephenie's team, then. ["Danni, thank you for making such a terrible first impression that I completely loathe you instantly." -- Wing Chun] Oh, and Danni is a "sports radio host" who thinks Bobby Jon is "easy on the eyes." Cindy ("Zookeeper") praises Bobby Jon's ability to not quit. Brandon ("Farmer" and "Dork" and "Cowboy Hat Guy" and "Language Abuser") says, "Bobby Jon's a tough worker, supposably [sic], so I hear, I don't know, we'll have to see, but, you know, he's kind of a little bit dumb, I guess you'd say." Sigh. Maybe Farmer Brandon would be better called "Pot."

Probst explains that Steph and Bobby Jon are full members of their tribes. They vote, they compete, and they can be voted off. Then, he moves on to explaining the first challenge, which is for reward. The challenge is an eleven-mile (!) race through the jungle. Jeff promises poisonous snakes and crocodiles. The first tribe to finish will get the better of the two camps, and will also get flint to make fire. Jeff tells them that they'll need to pace themselves on the hike, because it's...did he mention eleven miles? In the jungle? They'll know the end is near (not like that!) when they see their tribe canoes. He tells them that they'll take off in opposite directions, where they'll find a compass and a map, as well as water, fruit, and bags of corn. They'll have to decide what to carry. (Not the iron! Don't take the iron!) Jeff will see them at the finish. Ready? Go.

The teams scatter. Nakum arrives at its pile of provisions, and Brooke ("Law Student") interviews that they had some "mass chaos" over what to take along. Farmer Brandon cracks open some fruit or other for them to eat while they prepare for the hike. Margaret ("Nurse Practitioner" and "Rare Contestant Who Doesn't Suck") says that coming up with a strategy was a little difficult. They grab up some provisions and leave, as Farmer Brandon tells us that he last hiked eleven miles "never." Karma kicks him in the ass as he runs off to his tribe and immediately falls down. Oh, karma. You are the only player never to let me down.