Sumo At Sea

Previously on Speed the Palau: Caryn decided to attempt to leverage her total lack of social power within the tribe by attacking Katie, who was a little baffled by the outbreak of hostilities and could only laugh, which is, after all, the most frustrating thing you can do to someone who's trying to haul you into a fight. (Best reason to do it!) Angie tried to drown Gregg and earned the affection of her tribe, helping Ulong to take the reward challenge. But no reward could soothe the seething soul of Bobby Jon, who had started to notice a distinct outbreak of lazy-ass on his team, starting with the largely inert Kim, who was apparently made from mild, soft cheese. Over at Camp Koror, Tom, Ian, and Gregg killed some snakes, for which they apologized, because snakes are holy and PETA is well-organized. Ulong lost another immunity challenge when they were plainly out-gritted by Koror, and Jeff and his sprained ankle made like Osten and his bleeding lungs and took a walk, sparing Kim for another week. Now, there are fifteen people left. Who will be voted out?

Ulong, Night 8. Bobby Jon stokes the fire, because stoking the fire resembles work of you look at it all squinty-like, so it's unlikely that anyone else is going to do it. Angie laments to Steph that it stinks to have lost a bunch of people already when Koror has yet to lose one. Of course, they have failed to take into account that Koror hasn't been able to rid itself of anyone (and by "anyone," I mean "Caryn") either. Kim interviews that she's "very sad" about the departure of Jeff, because he was "great for the team" and he was her "friend." Also, now she has to sleep with James, and he smells like feet all over. (Not really.) (Well, not really the first part.)

Around the fire, Bobby Jon says to the team that Koror is using the dreaded weapon of "strategy" at the immunity challenges, and I think it's actually Kim (?) who puts in that it must be, because Koror is "a weak-ass team." Wait, has she seen them? That's a weak-ass team? I begin here to think she's one of those women who overassociates strength with gym membership. That's not to even mention the "may she who is without weak-ass cast the first stone" part of the whole thing. And then James declares that they are not going to tribal council again. "I'm-on stomp on anybody's ass 'at lags." Boy, I hope he doesn't lose in any one-on-one challenges later, particularly twice, because that would be super-embarrassing. It also might require him to stomp his own ass, which is both embarrassing and kind of tough, logistics-wise. A guy could throw a piston.

Kim doesn't take especially warmly to this explosion of "motivation" from James, saying that maybe he could be a little nicer, instead of trying to warm everyone's spirits through threatened stomping. Bobby Jon interviews that they do have attitude problems and so forth, and they need to find a way to raise everyone's morale. (Hint: LOSE LESS.) He's hoping they'll "turn it around," and that they've learned something from their horrific win-loss record. I don't know. I grew up outside Philadelphia, and it never did anything for any of our sports teams.

Morning of Day 9 comes to Koror, and Katie and Anonymous Jen go out to get treemail. I swear, I don't think I have ever, ever seen anyone get to the fourth episode without talking, as is the case with Anonymous Jen. It's utterly baffling. The stumpmail tells the women that they need to choose a tribal representative who will make some choices for them that they'll then have to live with. And -- eureka! -- Anonymous Jen talks in an actual interview looking right into the camera, saying that...well, disappointingly enough, just repeating what Katie just read. I waited for the fourth episode and they gave me that? Repeating of stumpmail? Sigh. That's not going to do much to alter the anonymity. Back at camp, the tribe talks about the possibilities, with Coby raising the specter of sending someone off who might not get to come back. There is some silence, and then Ian says that he would nominate Gregg, who "represents [Koror] well" and is their "steady man." Gregg waffles, saying he doesn't really want to go, but that he doesn't object to going. Willard looks around thoughtfully. He is so not going. Someone asks whether "everyone else is up for it," and I'm not clear whether she's asking whether others would go, or others would have Gregg go, but Coby and Janu both half-assedly raise one hand and mutter something. I think Coby mutters, "I would go," but I'm not sure. It's...well, "half-assed" is about right. Ian says he would go, I think, and then Coby says again that he would go, on the theory that maybe nobody heard him, and then one more person -- maybe Caryn? -- offers to go. But none of these people sets the tribe on fire, enthusiasm-wise. Tom realizes that they're not going to get it resolved until someone throws support to someone who actually wants to go, so he says he would advance the idea that Ian should go. He says that Ian has been the team leader, and says, "You want to go, I say you go." A couple of other people throw their support behind that concept as Coby strokes his beard pensively.

Coby now interviews that he, Janu, and Caryn volunteered to go, but that "nobody listened," because they were busy choosing between Gregg and Ian. I don't think it's a matter of nobody listening. I think it's a matter of other people on the team not supporting the idea of having Coby go, which may be painful for Coby, but isn't unfair of anyone, and isn't particularly disrespectful. The tribe asked people to speak up if they were willing to go, and once they had an idea of who was willing to go, they chose from among those people. It just seems kind of silly for Coby to be indignant about it, but he seems somewhat prone to the indignation.

Back at the meeting, Katie comments that she wouldn't want to lose Ian from the tribe. Me neither! "I'll be back; we'll see each other again," Ian says, offhandedly making the sort of comment that can cause serious swooning in others without the speaker's even realizing it. Ian asks if it's cool with everyone for him to go, and Coby says that it seems to be the will of the tribe, so he won't fight it. Well, right. Because...what other basis is there on which to make this decision? How would you fight it? You can't argue that you "deserve" it, I don't think. Especially if you're Coby. Coby claims that this entire discussion exposed a subgroup within the team consisting of Ian, Tom, Gregg, Anonymous Jen, and Katie. Wow, he means that to be somewhat scandalous, but I really hope it's true. I mean, five people, none of whom egregiously sucks, taking a power position? Unbelievable! It's a crazy world indeed. But Coby sees the downside, unsurprisingly, noting that this makes for "five against four," with himself, Janu, Caryn, and Willard on the down side of the equation. Tough luck, Coby! It's your own fault, you know, for being Caryn's friend.

Some birds argue out on the beach, and then we are at Ulong, where they have no idea what to do about the team representative thing, any more than they have any idea what to do about anything else. You know that if it were possible to lose at picking a team representative, they would. Steph advocates picking out of a hat, but...nobody seems excited about that. Kim is asked how she feels about going. "I'm fine with it; I think you're good at it too, though," Kim weakly offers to Stephenie. Steph makes a face as drums of tension and cluelessness thumpa-thump in the background. Ulong, as usual, suffers long and arduous silences as someone tries to think of something to say. It's like they leave spaces in the conversation for all their departed tribemates to talk. Steph returns to the idea of drawing straws or doing something else with an element of randomness. Kim doesn't know about that. Angie picks her teeth. Pauuuuuse. Kim interviews that she doesn't like the idea of drawing straws, not that she, like, spoke up and suggested anything as an alternative. James picks his teeth as well. Popular activity, the teeth-picking. I suppose at this point, it's whatever passes the time, no? Kim interviews that, in the end, Ulong probably will make an "impulsive" decision as a result of the team's unwillingness to sit down and think through anything. Because Kim is, I guess, the team's advocate for strategy? Yeah, I don't know. Steph suggests waiting until they get to the challenge, and maybe they can see what it is and decide then. Yeah, you know...I always kind of want to root for Steph, but that's not going to work, there, pumpkin. Of course the rest of the team loves the idea of deferring the decision, because their brains already hurt, so they choose to head out and do some fishing rather than actually doing the one thing they've been asked to do all day. Ulong heads out in their boat. It's really hard to believe they keep losing, isn't it?

Later, Jeff "No Tool Jokes, Please" Probst streaks across the water in a boat with what look like Amazing Race flags on it and a Home Depot logo. (Talk about the sublime and the ridiculous.) He pulls up to the Koror beach, where the curious tribe has gathered. Greetings are exchanged, and the team gives up Ian, its representative. It is explained to Ian, as the tribe looks on, that the challenge today will be building a bathroom, with both a toilet area and a shower/wash area. His role as the leader is to select the six tools he wants from the Home Depot toolshed. They're getting some things for free -- a "bush shower," a toilet seat, a shower curtain and rings, wire, twine, rope, timber, and nails. He has to pick the other stuff. I really wanted there to be a guy in there. Like a handyman you could take as one of your tools. Just hanging there in the cabinet on some hooks. And Ian could have said, "Well, Jeff, I believe we'll take this gentleman." The best part is that Ulong would have passed him up for a level. Anyway, the tools they do pick they will get to keep at camp, a prospect that makes Tom's mouth water, if only because I think he is the type of person who is comforted by the presence of a lot of heavy, blunt objects. Just, you know, in case. Ian interviews that it was tough making the choices, but his dad works in construction and he grew up on a farm, so he didn't feel too adrift. He picks a saw. Presumably a hammer? Some other stuff, and then he's taking the last item, which is some kind of...a pick? I don't know. Never mind. I am stupid, and my knowledge of tools ends at "screwdriver." ["I think it was a pickaxe, and I didn't really understand its value in this context." -- Wing Chun]

Anyway, Ian's question to answer is that he has to choose the three people who will sit out the challenge, remembering that they can't sit out any of the same people in two consecutive challenges. The ones who he chooses to sit for this are Anonymous Jen, Coby, and Janu. Anyway, tomorrow morning, Jeff will be bringing back Jesse, one of the show's ass-kicking challenge builders, and Jesse will judge the bathrooms. Whichever bathroom is judged best, that tribe will receive a visit from the whole construction department (aww, crossover with real life!), which will build them a monstrously awesome shelter. The tribe goes vaguely mad at the idea of a fabulous shelter that would actually keep them dry and comfortable and would probably be so great that it would immediately be yanked away from them week for the sake of drama. Okay, now there are Ian's tools on the ground, and I see...a hammer, yes, and...a measuring tape? That would make sense. Ian claims in an interview to be feeling "fantastic." We all feel fantastic! Because we love you, Dolphin Boy.

Later, Ulong is out fishing, mostly sitting around on the boat and doing nothing while a couple of the guys try to get teeny little fish. "We found Nemo," someone comments. Snerk. And, exactly. I don't understand why Ulong keeps catching these fish that look like you'd stick them on a cracker and serve them as an appetizer, but perhaps it's the nature of the local fish population. When the tribe returns to camp, they find that Jeff is waiting for them. He immediately asks, before they can even pile out of the boat, who their representative is. They sheepishly look at each other. They ask Jeff whether they can ask questions, and Jeff is like, "You don't have your representative yet?" Because...no, you can't ask questions. That's the point! Don't try to outsmart Jeff! You'll confuse him, and somebody will get hurt, and is that what you want? "Give me somebody," Jeff repeats. My question is...why is it not Bobby Jon? He seems like the classic choice. But anyway, they wind up sending James. Note, however, that the person who initially says "James" and is echoed by the whole tribe is Bobby Jon, so I was partly right. And remember that it was Tom who advanced Ian to go, but didn't go himself. I'm telling you, Bobby Jon and Tom are the same guy on their respective tribes, with the exception that Bobby Jon is stuck with more people who suck. Jeff drags James out of the boat.

Now, James interviews that he didn't want to lead the team, but that it was good that they picked him. And why was it good? Well, because, on account of him, they got "the tools that [they] needed to build [their] lavatory." James explains to Jeff that he "used to build houses." A sketchy description if ever there was one. Jeff says hopefully that James has "a background," meaning that perhaps Ulong will not get its ass whipped yet again. But honestly...what are the odds? Anyway, James takes a hatchet, and he declares it to be a hatchet, showing -- you guessed it -- his expertise. "Good choice, James," Steph encourages as he points out the hatchet's features, like the fact that, like many hatchets, it has a hammer on the other side. Tricky! I think I had that Transformer once. Clearly, James will be kicking butt at this challenge, pointing out to his tribe which end of the nail goes into the wood and which end you hit. Once James has chosen all his stuff, Jeff explains about the "kick-ass Survivor shelter" they stand to gain if they win, and the team engages in much ooh-ing and aah-ing, just like they would if they had a chance of winning. James tells us again in an interview that he's not crazy about leadership, but in this case, he was willing to make an exception and tell everyone to "get up off [they] asses" and get to work. I think yelling is the kind of leadership at which James most excels.

Over at Koror, Ian explains that they have a plan, and they're executing it: "Koror's going nuts with this thing." Ian gushes at the awesomeness of the platform Willard has conducted. Willard interviews that Tom and Ian always are careful to say something positive about everyone in the group every day. There was some discussion in the forums over whether Willard was saying this as a positive or a negative; I read it as neither. I think he just recognizes it as something they do on purpose as part of their style. Ian also compliments Katie on putting "WATCH YOUR STEP" on a log to be displayed along the walkway to the bathroom. Willard goes on to say that Tom is a leader, and that it's his living to be one, and he's the team's "motor." Again, I don't think it's presented as good or bad; it just is. Or perhaps Willard started spitting and screaming right after he said that, all, "Can you smell what Willard's cooking?," and they didn't show it, because they're saving his explosive temper for a later storyline. There is sawing. There is nailing. And because it is Koror, there is surprisingly little extravagant sucking.

And then Caryn bitches in an interview that Tom gets to be the leader on all the projects. She proves to be one of those women who thinks that she's a feminist but actually insults all of the other women on the tribe by mocking the way they take their lead about survival stuff in camp from Tom. Of course, given that Tom knows what he's doing and has earned their respect, I don't understand why that's so utterly mockable, but unfortunately, like a lot of women who spend a lot of time talking about how much they dislike the patriarchy, Caryn's real issue is with women she can't get along with, and not with men. Furthermore, if she wants leadership? She can step up and take some, and stop being noticeable mostly for picking fights and fucking up at challenges. In short? Quit yer bellyachin', lady, and pick up a hammer.

Ulong. James is mapping out the area for the shower, and he's interviewing that he thinks he can build an awesome bathroom and land an awesome shelter, even though -- has he mentioned? -- leadership is hard. He helpfully squats so that they can measure for the proper height of the toilet, and that's...evocative. Steph interviews that James can be "very fatherly, which can be annoying at times," even though she appreciates all his work. Angie, on the other hand, is rather less diplomatic in saying that she didn't appreciate James acting like she couldn't hammer a nail by herself. As she explains, when something breaks at her place, she's the one who fixes it. And, word. Me, too. Except for light bulbs, because I am short and hate standing on chairs. Other than that, though!

Steph and Kim have a chat in which Kim complains that she's just worn down from the lack of food. Everyone else looks dubious. James tells us he finds Kim "a little bit useless," but says they discovered that they could put her to work sewing the team's name onto the shower curtain, meaning that they wound up with an actual construction crew of five. One member of that crew, of course, is Bobby Jon, whom James sends into the woods to get him some trees. Out in the woods, Bobby Jon takes a series of mighty whacks at a tree while interviewing that when he's working hard, he puts his "whole body and soul" into it. And...goodness. Yeah, this is all kind of distracting, aesthetically speaking. He explains how "winners keep fightin'," and it's extremely inspirational and everything, but really? Yeah, I'm looking at his shoulders. And, like, hips and stuff. Because...zoiks. Anyway, Bobby Jon cuts down a tree, but when it gets stuck in some other trees on the way down and he can't move it enough to make it fall, he goes right off to cut down another one. Man. He's got deforestation fever, and he doesn't care who knows it. Kim, elsewhere, complains about how hard it is to be on a team with people who have this thing about how everyone should do work. "You want the honest truth," she says, "I think that I'm the smart one, sitting in the center, with a bunch of people running around with their heads chopped off." As if to provide some minimal support to this facially preposterous argument, we watch James tell the team that the reason construction jobs finish late is people freaking out. I'm not sure I believe that, but okay. So Kim, I guess, is supposed to get the "not freaking out" points. She tells us that everyone is losing it because James is driving them crazy. And she thinks she's smart to let "the beast attack the beast." Because the tribe is the beast and James is the beast, and...yeah, not sure. In other news, Angie's poor bra has taken such a beating that she's reached a point of near-toplessness as she looks at James with disgust before walking away, taking her blurred breasts with her. Girlfriend really needs some clothes. This much blurring is not a good thing.

The day, Day 10, Jesse and Jeff arrive at Koror to inspect their bathroom. They walk Jesse back to the spot, as Ian describes the inspection experience as "nerve-wracking." Tom points out the nice "Watch Your Step" sign. They've basically divided their bathroom entirely so that the latrine isn't right with the shower, which is probably smart. Tom shows Jesse the extremely sturdy-framed outhouse-style construction of the potty, telling him that they chose not to enclose the walls with anything. They've got a slanted roof that is enough to keep you at least modestly dry if it's raining, they've got very solid construction...it looks good, if not too private. I'm sure it beats what they're using, though, which is...nothing. , they take Jesse over to look at the shower. Ian shows him that the shower is set up to be raised and lowered to adjust to the height of the person, which is probably actually very important if you're dealing with people of such varying heights (ahem, Ian) and you want to make the most of a fairly primitive shower setup. Ian steps into the shower and gets himself nice and wet. Jesse says he's ready to take off, and Jeff says that if their bathroom is judged best, they'll be back to build the shelter. Gregg interviews that he thinks they put their all into the challenge and did a great job, and he thinks Jesse will give them the victory.