This Has Never Happened Before

We dive down on top of a boat making its way through the rich, blue water surrounding a bunch of lush islands. If you're thinking that Burnett's shows are looking a little flushed, people, I agree -- and I am diagnosing them with a serious case of Lush Island Fevah! Seriously, Pearl Islands...Pearl Islands...Vanuatu...and now this? When do we get back to the desert? Or a real jungle? Or the frozen tundra of the Twin Cities metropolitan area, where one could have a hell of a game just by making everyone set up camp in the parking ramps at the Mall of America in December? Talk about unfavorable conditions, scarce resources, and utter desperation.

Anyway, Jeff "Stop Calling Me Phil" Probst is perched on the boat, and he explains that the part of the Pacific we are in is "remote and absolutely breathtaking." Because he is bossy, and he thinks you're too dumb to notice. It turns out that all this blue, perfect, untouched water is holding up "the island paradise of Palau." Probst claims that there are "hundreds of lush islands" (told you!), and that there are also coral reefs and little fishies everywhere. And during the video tour of the undersea community, we learn that there is a clam down there who has had a very bad day and quite frankly would be quite happy to eat you and spit you out as a pearl. That is one perturbed shellfish. And best of all, the music editors make it appear for all the world that the clam looks right at the camera and says, "OY!" I think it's just a trick. It also turns out that Palau is where jellyfish come for spring break. They party, and they drink, and unfortunately, they engage in unprotected stinging. That there is a public health crisis, people.

But as idyllic as all this looks now, it turns out that "some of the most fierce battles of World War II" took place in this area, and there's all kinds of military junk lying around in the jungles and on the bottom of the ocean. So in other words, like most of the beautiful things in the world, it has already been ravaged by man's inhumanity to man. (Speaking of the Mall of America in December.) Probst calls Palau "an eerie mix of man's explosive past and nature's power to reclaim." Because, you see, all the military stuff has weeds on it. That's the nature part. Nature is gradually reclaiming the enormous rusting tanks, and in approximately five million years, there will be no trace of them. I have a feeling nature would actually welcome a little help in the form of a few freaking tow trucks, no matter how much pride she may take in "reclaiming" tons of metal. I swear, it's not bad enough that mankind can be such a bunch of warmongering assholes...we have to litter, too. Were we born in a barn?

Now, we move to a boat being rowed by a bunch of aspiring basic-cable hosts whom I certainly hope I never have to see again, let alone write 150 pages about in the three months. Ha ha ha! Just kidding. No, these are totally the new castaways, and I will learn to love them. And by "love them," I mean "hate them," but at this point, I'll be damned if it's not basically the same thing. For now, it's just a bunch of pretty people rowing and rowing and rowing to nowhere, like it's Groupthink Day at Bally's Total Fitness and they've all grown tired of the elliptical trainer. And for an added bonus of the confusing kind, there are twenty people on the boat. Yes, bloat has now carried us from the sixteen contestants of the first season to the eighteen contestants of the eighth and ninth seasons to the twenty contestants of this season. Because bigger always means better. It should also run for thirty episodes, and it should give away $5 million, and Probst should wear lifts in his shoes. It's what you call creative growth, people. As this approximation of the touring cast of Cats rows, rows, rows its boat, Probst explains that they've been put out here "with only the clothes on their back [sic] and one canteen of water each." And Jeff swears that this time, the game will be different. No, really! Really different! Baby, this won't be like all the other times he's said it. Sure, he's got a lot of ladies, but you're the only one he really cares about. Don't go away mad, kitten.

Rowing! Boat-o-Probst! Probst's sporty cap! Swelling music! Probst snarls over the roar of the boat's motor, "Thirty-nine days, twenty people, one survivor!" And nothing says "we're changing everything" like repeating your opening patter verbatim from seasons.

I'm not going to bother going into a lot of detail about the credits, except that they contain even more grunting than usual, like we've dropped in unexpectedly on a bunch of guys lifting weights. "HYUUUH!"

After the credits, we peek down at the sharks underwater. These are the sharks who will become your friends. You will root for them many times in the coming minutes and days. "Goooo, shark!" you will say. And then you will pretend to feel guilty, but really, you will be amused by your own blood lust. "Day 1," reads the little yellow caption as we drift along the ocean floor, staring at the wreckage of some mondo military vehicle. I have a feeling that if you happen to know a rust fetishist, this would be the season to get him or her tuning in to Survivor. We move to the underside of the boat-o-survivors, and then we finally surface. As the boat makes its way aimlessly toward...something (given that direction is apparently being provided on a need-to-know basis, even though they are rowing right now), the banging drums kick up and the boat-o-Probst comes into view again. The show is extremely serious, by the way, about making it appear that Jeff is driving his own great big boat, because the insurance company wouldn't get golf-ball-sized gallstones over that or anything. Jeff pulls up the boat "he" is "driving" to the boat-o-survivors and "stops." They all stop, too, and stare at him. For a minute, things are a little tense, and it occurs to me that someone in this scenario may be eaten. Now that would get the season off to an unusual start. Although if they ate Probst, you know who they would get to host? Fuckin' Rupert. So that puts me in the unfortunate position of rooting against the castaways having an uprising at the end of which Probst is devoured.

Probst welcomes the castaways to Survivor Palau. He points out that behind them is a beach, and that beach is where they're headed. And on the beach, there are two machetes, a map to water, and -- interestingly enough -- two immunity necklaces. One is for the first woman to reach the shore, and one is for the first man. Because girls and boys can't compete with each other, lest the girls all lose and go home and cry, just like they did that time when the store was out of Midol and Hello Kitty stationery. They're about a mile from the beach at the moment, and they have the option of either continuing to paddle or jumping off and swimming. Jeff suggests that everyone decide what they're doing, because "this game is on." On, I tell you! In one of my favorite moments, a gentleman in a pink shirt abruptly stands up to make a move, like, "Now begins the scuffle! Look, I appear to have a head start!" And when he turns around and sees that no one else is going anywhere, he kind of sheepishly sits back down. His underwear will be first up the flagpole a little later, I'll tell you that right now. The entire group decides to continue paddling, and then Probst bids them adieu and jets off to make out with his college-aged girlfriend while thinking of Colby.

The boat continues to move as lace-top (who turns out to be Stephenie [sic], "Pharmaceutical Rep") explains in an interview that she decided to swim for it, because she's a good swimmer and certainly felt like she could beat the boat. Also, Wanda is on the boat and not in the water, and with luck, Stephenie will get her ears to plug up. Stephenie makes her way to the back of the boat, and Jonathan ("Sales & Marketing Associate" as well as blond hot stud) leaps off with her. That is a good-looking boy, despite my general aversion to blonds. The long and the short of it is that it takes about ten seconds for it to become immediately clear that jumping off the boat was not the right call, as Stephenie and Jonathan are instantly left in the dust by the boat. In a moment that's a little funny, Stephenie begs to get back on, and Coby's response is, "What were your names again?" Hee. Katie ("Advertising Executive") mocks them for jumping in the water, interviewing that an aggressive move like that places a giant target on you from the beginning. The boat approaches the shore. Janu ("Vegas Showgirl" with a mass of black hair) explains that they all wanted to jump, but that they actually waited until they were fairly close in. Katie claims that her competitive side wanted to jump for it. And then, all of a sudden, the jumping begins. Everybody in the water! Tense music! Swimming! And up onto the shore comes a tall, skinny kid who grabs the first of the two immunity necklaces. A race up the beach ensues between Jolanda (who did not leave home without her dangly earrings) and a chick in a pink top (who I think will turn out to be Kim), but it's Jolanda who gets the women's immunity necklace. Jolanda ("Lawyer" -- another one?) explains that she wanted the necklace bad and wasn't going to lose it to some "little young girl." Uh-oh. That's not a good sign. James explains in an interview that Ian, the skinny kid who took the necklace, is "a fast little booger." I really shouldn't find James funny, because he's such a type, but I do, a little bit. Also, the word "booger" is amusing.

As the entire group gathers on the beach and drip-dries and exchanges introductions, Willard interviews that they didn't even know if there was a tribe or what, because the flag they found read only "Survivor: Palau." Wanda has the map, and to her credit, she manages to show it to people without singing a little ditty about coordinates. Gregg ("Business Consultant"), who looks a little like a shaggier Burton, says that because this was a new way for the game to start, it made him "paranoid." Not that everyone isn't always paranoid so, like, way to catch the snap. But still. And guess what? Stephenie and Jonathan are still trying to swim to shore. That did not work out well at all. Gregg wonders whether they'll remain as a big group or what. "We don't have a clue what's happening," he says. I strongly suspect it's not the first time in his life he has been called upon to use those words, if you get my drift.

After the commercials, we enjoy some tasty shots of the delicious military debris now littering the shores of Palau. Nothing enhances the look of a sunset like the silhouette of guns. And then we are back on the beach, where Caryn is trying to organize in the gentlest way possible -- meaning a way that results in water's being fetched but does not result in everyone's hating her. She suggests that people decide who wants to pursue water, who should work on shelter, and so forth. Ultimately, she gets up a group of about five to go for water, and everyone else stays back to work on a shelter. Coby says that for a situation that was so confusing, he actually thinks their approach was pretty well-organized.

A large and gorgeous fellow works on hacking down branches, and I just about need to lie down, and then my romantic fantasies involving myself and the island of Palau are interrupted by WANDA, dammit, who is singing again. The women near her look over like, "Oh, heh, yeah, hi," and you can just see them cringe. Then Tom, a silver-haired "NYC Firefighter," says that he found it funny the way people were "walkin' around in different directions." Tom, incidentally, is hot. Tom is the soap-opera-actor- of-a-certain-age, your-best-friend's-father kind of hot. ["I prefer the expression 'silver fox.'" -- Wing Chun] He also explains that he declined the opportunity to work on the fire, because it's "a loser job." Okay, just because you fight them normally doesn't mean all fires are bad, Tom!

Actually, by "loser job," I think Tom means "job for losers," and here are some now. As we have seen so many times in the past, the purported makers of fire start out with the bow theory of fire-building, and they snap the thing in half. As usual. Jolanda calls for a "strong man," and it turns out that what she wants him for is to knock the heels off her shoes with a machete. We then hear all about the difficulties of coping with being left in their regular clothes from Ian ("Dolphin Trainer"). I loved Ian immediately, and couldn't figure out why until it was quite correctly pointed out to me that he bears a certain resemblance to Djb, even though he is reportedly 6'7" and Djb is not, quite. We watch as some of the girls cut off pantlegs and whatnot, and Ian sounds like he thought all the skirt/pants modifications were pretty cool. And then in a moment that cemented my love for him for eternity, he talks about all the shirts that were being tied up. "I had mine tied up earlier," he says with a grin into the camera. "But I decided to...stop for now." Well, seriously. It's nice to know that chicks aren't the only ones eyeballing everybody else and being like, "Um, can I have a Hefty bag?"

The group that has gone off for water finds a well out in the middle of what certainly appears to be a mowed expanse of lawn with a paved path to it, so that's a little odd. Angie ("Bartender"), along with her many tattoos, says that they were incredibly glad to find the water. And along with the water, they find a large duffel bag containing everyone's regular shoes. As the group makes its way back to camp, Coby comments to Angie that there are an awful lot of young and good-looking people, and they appear to have a lot of potential power. Angie interviews that as soon as she and Coby saw each other, they "knew [they] were going to be kindred to one another," based on how edgy and outsider-y they are. "We understood being different," she says. "We understood being ostracized." She is dead meat with that attitude. ["She's still dealing with high-school shit, clearly, and she needs to get over it." -- Wing Chun] Coby tells Angie that he breathed a sigh of relief when he saw her, since he knew he wouldn't be "the weirdest one." She laughs and says, "Oh, I felt the same way, I thought, 'Oh, we're going to totally get along fine.'" Which, of course, is not quite what he said. He said that she was weird, not that he liked her. After all, if those two thoughts were perfectly congruent, I would be a lot more popular. In an interview, Coby points out that he and Angie both have that sort of self-consciously "different" vibe, and he thinks that they'll have to watch out for being too much like outcasts, or they'll knock themselves out. To me, that scene just showed that Coby has infinitely more confidence than Angie does, because she is desperate to have a friend immediately -- any friend -- and he doesn't really care that much. He can recognize similarities between himself and another person without that saying "soulmates" to him. He's clearly okay with where he is, and he feels like he can mesh with the group, while Angie thinks that she has to try to forge a separate little Losers' Lunch Table. And while I understand how she feels, that's no way to play this particular game. If there's one thing that doesn't bode well on the first day of Survivor, it's being needy. Well, and being old, unless you're an old crazy lady, because they occasionally do well, which kind of gives some hope to Wanda.

Back at shelter-building, there's a sort of convergence of cool people (plus Wanda) working together to get the thing going. Tom (rowr) is working with Jonathan (double-rowr), and they wind up getting Janu (whom I sort of like) to take a climb up a tree to lash a crosspiece to the tree. We get the first pixelized ass of the season as the back of Janu's pants get a little blur action while she's climbing the tree, but I don't fault her, because at least she's doing it in the name of work. Also, I somehow doubt that a Vegas showgirl is trying to get her jollies being all daring with the low-rise pants. Janu explains that she has rock-climbing experience that came in handy here, which makes sense. That kind of rational thinking is sure to get her voted off soon. Meanwhile, Stephenie and Tom have a chat in which they discuss what time of day it is, and then Tom quietly proposes an alliance between himself, Ian, and Stephenie -- not that they know whether they're going to wind up on separate tribes if there wind up being separate tribes. She agrees.