We dive down on top of a boat making its way through the rich, blue water surrounding a bunch of lush islands. If you're thinking that Burnett's shows are looking a little flushed, people, I agree -- and I am diagnosing them with a serious case of Lush Island Fevah! Seriously, Pearl Islands...Pearl Islands...Vanuatu...and now this? When do we get back to the desert? Or a real jungle? Or the frozen tundra of the Twin Cities metropolitan area, where one could have a hell of a game just by making everyone set up camp in the parking ramps at the Mall of America in December? Talk about unfavorable conditions, scarce resources, and utter desperation.
Anyway, Jeff "Stop Calling Me Phil" Probst is perched on the boat, and he explains that the part of the Pacific we are in is "remote and absolutely breathtaking." Because he is bossy, and he thinks you're too dumb to notice. It turns out that all this blue, perfect, untouched water is holding up "the island paradise of Palau." Probst claims that there are "hundreds of lush islands" (told you!), and that there are also coral reefs and little fishies everywhere. And during the video tour of the undersea community, we learn that there is a clam down there who has had a very bad day and quite frankly would be quite happy to eat you and spit you out as a pearl. That is one perturbed shellfish. And best of all, the music editors make it appear for all the world that the clam looks right at the camera and says, "OY!" I think it's just a trick. It also turns out that Palau is where jellyfish come for spring break. They party, and they drink, and unfortunately, they engage in unprotected stinging. That there is a public health crisis, people.
But as idyllic as all this looks now, it turns out that "some of the most fierce battles of World War II" took place in this area, and there's all kinds of military junk lying around in the jungles and on the bottom of the ocean. So in other words, like most of the beautiful things in the world, it has already been ravaged by man's inhumanity to man. (Speaking of the Mall of America in December.) Probst calls Palau "an eerie mix of man's explosive past and nature's power to reclaim." Because, you see, all the military stuff has weeds on it. That's the nature part. Nature is gradually reclaiming the enormous rusting tanks, and in approximately five million years, there will be no trace of them. I have a feeling nature would actually welcome a little help in the form of a few freaking tow trucks, no matter how much pride she may take in "reclaiming" tons of metal. I swear, it's not bad enough that mankind can be such a bunch of warmongering assholes...we have to litter, too. Were we born in a barn?
Now, we move to a boat being rowed by a bunch of aspiring basic-cable hosts whom I certainly hope I never have to see again, let alone write 150 pages about in the three months. Ha ha ha! Just kidding. No, these are totally the new castaways, and I will learn to love them. And by "love them," I mean "hate them," but at this point, I'll be damned if it's not basically the same thing. For now, it's just a bunch of pretty people rowing and rowing and rowing to nowhere, like it's Groupthink Day at Bally's Total Fitness and they've all grown tired of the elliptical trainer. And for an added bonus of the confusing kind, there are twenty people on the boat. Yes, bloat has now carried us from the sixteen contestants of the first season to the eighteen contestants of the eighth and ninth seasons to the twenty contestants of this season. Because bigger always means better. It should also run for thirty episodes, and it should give away $5 million, and Probst should wear lifts in his shoes. It's what you call creative growth, people. As this approximation of the touring cast of Cats rows, rows, rows its boat, Probst explains that they've been put out here "with only the clothes on their back [sic] and one canteen of water each." And Jeff swears that this time, the game will be different. No, really! Really different! Baby, this won't be like all the other times he's said it. Sure, he's got a lot of ladies, but you're the only one he really cares about. Don't go away mad, kitten.
Rowing! Boat-o-Probst! Probst's sporty cap! Swelling music! Probst snarls over the roar of the boat's motor, "Thirty-nine days, twenty people, one survivor!" And nothing says "we're changing everything" like repeating your opening patter verbatim from seasons.
I'm not going to bother going into a lot of detail about the credits, except that they contain even more grunting than usual, like we've dropped in unexpectedly on a bunch of guys lifting weights. "HYUUUH!"
After the credits, we peek down at the sharks underwater. These are the sharks who will become your friends. You will root for them many times in the coming minutes and days. "Goooo, shark!" you will say. And then you will pretend to feel guilty, but really, you will be amused by your own blood lust. "Day 1," reads the little yellow caption as we drift along the ocean floor, staring at the wreckage of some mondo military vehicle. I have a feeling that if you happen to know a rust fetishist, this would be the season to get him or her tuning in to Survivor. We move to the underside of the boat-o-survivors, and then we finally surface. As the boat makes its way aimlessly toward...something (given that direction is apparently being provided on a need-to-know basis, even though they are rowing right now), the banging drums kick up and the boat-o-Probst comes into view again. The show is extremely serious, by the way, about making it appear that Jeff is driving his own great big boat, because the insurance company wouldn't get golf-ball-sized gallstones over that or anything. Jeff pulls up the boat "he" is "driving" to the boat-o-survivors and "stops." They all stop, too, and stare at him. For a minute, things are a little tense, and it occurs to me that someone in this scenario may be eaten. Now that would get the season off to an unusual start. Although if they ate Probst, you know who they would get to host? Fuckin' Rupert. So that puts me in the unfortunate position of rooting against the castaways having an uprising at the end of which Probst is devoured.
Probst welcomes the castaways to Survivor Palau. He points out that behind them is a beach, and that beach is where they're headed. And on the beach, there are two machetes, a map to water, and -- interestingly enough -- two immunity necklaces. One is for the first woman to reach the shore, and one is for the first man. Because girls and boys can't compete with each other, lest the girls all lose and go home and cry, just like they did that time when the store was out of Midol and Hello Kitty stationery. They're about a mile from the beach at the moment, and they have the option of either continuing to paddle or jumping off and swimming. Jeff suggests that everyone decide what they're doing, because "this game is on." On, I tell you! In one of my favorite moments, a gentleman in a pink shirt abruptly stands up to make a move, like, "Now begins the scuffle! Look, I appear to have a head start!" And when he turns around and sees that no one else is going anywhere, he kind of sheepishly sits back down. His underwear will be first up the flagpole a little later, I'll tell you that right now. The entire group decides to continue paddling, and then Probst bids them adieu and jets off to make out with his college-aged girlfriend while thinking of Colby.
The paddling continues. And then we see an interview with James ("Steelworker"), who looks earnestly at the interviewer and says, "Jay-uff's a sumbitch. Ah tell y'at." So that's pretty much who James is, in one brief moment. And he has large ears by which you shall know him. "Hay-ll, ah thought we gon' get, yooo know, some breakfast food'n water or som'n," James complains. "Hay-ll, no. I knew he's gon' say some'n like 'at, and he's gon' say, 'The game is awn.' Som'n told me we wuz pretty much in trouble." So I guess those are James's thoughts on...global warming?
My goodness, there certainly are a lot of nice shoulders on that boat. Coby ("Hairstylist"), who was the pink-shirted gentleman of a moment ago, interviews that on the way in, everyone was wondering whether to jump out of the boat and swim for it. A woman in jeans and a lace top (interesting choice) gets up and makes her way clumsily toward the back of the boat, but she falls into each person's lap in turn, which kinda ruins the "Now I will take control of the game!" effect she's going for. It's more like "Now I...oh, excuse me...will get...I’m sorry, is that your foot?...will get myself to the back of the -- oof!...sorry, sorry, wait...." Caryn ("Civil Rights Lawyer"), a short-haired woman, explains that there was a lot of jockeying that wasn't entirely clear in intent, but everyone suspected each other of trying to get to the best possible spot for when they made it to shore. So you can mark that as your first "It appeared that some people were attempting to win!" moment of lost innocence. As the boat approaches the beach, lace-top woman sits at the very rear of the boat (which is the leading part). She moves restlessly. Paddling continues.
And then, a woman stands up in the front of the boat. She looks, in type, quite a lot like Lill, without the Boy Scout uniform. She is wearing a blue dress, and she...I swear this is true...loudly starts singing. Well, it's yelling, largely, but officially, it's singing. Not only is she singing, but she is singing a song about Survivor to the tune of, as near as I can figure, "Heart and Soul." Willard ("Lawyer"), an older bald guy, explains in an interview that indeed, right in the middle of the rowing on this hot day, "this lunatic jumps up and starts singing a song. I wanted to knock her off with the oar." I love him instantly, even though I suspect he only means "knock her off" the boat. Coby adds that, for a moment, it was a little bit cute that Wanda sang, but then it kept going, and there was no escape. We see a Wanda ("English Teacher") interview in which she explains that she has "written a bunch of songs for Survivor," and she wants it to be "one big party as long as it lasts." Does she sing at parties? I wonder if she's noticed herself not being invited anywhere more than once. Anyway, I sure hope she stays on the island for a long time, because whenever I come to the end of a season of any reality show, it's common for my one complaint to be, "Not enough original songs."
The boat continues to move as lace-top (who turns out to be Stephenie [sic], "Pharmaceutical Rep") explains in an interview that she decided to swim for it, because she's a good swimmer and certainly felt like she could beat the boat. Also, Wanda is on the boat and not in the water, and with luck, Stephenie will get her ears to plug up. Stephenie makes her way to the back of the boat, and Jonathan ("Sales & Marketing Associate" as well as blond hot stud) leaps off with her. That is a good-looking boy, despite my general aversion to blonds. The long and the short of it is that it takes about ten seconds for it to become immediately clear that jumping off the boat was not the right call, as Stephenie and Jonathan are instantly left in the dust by the boat. In a moment that's a little funny, Stephenie begs to get back on, and Coby's response is, "What were your names again?" Hee. Katie ("Advertising Executive") mocks them for jumping in the water, interviewing that an aggressive move like that places a giant target on you from the beginning. The boat approaches the shore. Janu ("Vegas Showgirl" with a mass of black hair) explains that they all wanted to jump, but that they actually waited until they were fairly close in. Katie claims that her competitive side wanted to jump for it. And then, all of a sudden, the jumping begins. Everybody in the water! Tense music! Swimming! And up onto the shore comes a tall, skinny kid who grabs the first of the two immunity necklaces. A race up the beach ensues between Jolanda (who did not leave home without her dangly earrings) and a chick in a pink top (who I think will turn out to be Kim), but it's Jolanda who gets the women's immunity necklace. Jolanda ("Lawyer" -- another one?) explains that she wanted the necklace bad and wasn't going to lose it to some "little young girl." Uh-oh. That's not a good sign. James explains in an interview that Ian, the skinny kid who took the necklace, is "a fast little booger." I really shouldn't find James funny, because he's such a type, but I do, a little bit. Also, the word "booger" is amusing.
As the entire group gathers on the beach and drip-dries and exchanges introductions, Willard interviews that they didn't even know if there was a tribe or what, because the flag they found read only "Survivor: Palau." Wanda has the map, and to her credit, she manages to show it to people without singing a little ditty about coordinates. Gregg ("Business Consultant"), who looks a little like a shaggier Burton, says that because this was a new way for the game to start, it made him "paranoid." Not that everyone isn't always paranoid so, like, way to catch the snap. But still. And guess what? Stephenie and Jonathan are still trying to swim to shore. That did not work out well at all. Gregg wonders whether they'll remain as a big group or what. "We don't have a clue what's happening," he says. I strongly suspect it's not the first time in his life he has been called upon to use those words, if you get my drift.
After the commercials, we enjoy some tasty shots of the delicious military debris now littering the shores of Palau. Nothing enhances the look of a sunset like the silhouette of guns. And then we are back on the beach, where Caryn is trying to organize in the gentlest way possible -- meaning a way that results in water's being fetched but does not result in everyone's hating her. She suggests that people decide who wants to pursue water, who should work on shelter, and so forth. Ultimately, she gets up a group of about five to go for water, and everyone else stays back to work on a shelter. Coby says that for a situation that was so confusing, he actually thinks their approach was pretty well-organized.
A large and gorgeous fellow works on hacking down branches, and I just about need to lie down, and then my romantic fantasies involving myself and the island of Palau are interrupted by WANDA, dammit, who is singing again. The women near her look over like, "Oh, heh, yeah, hi," and you can just see them cringe. Then Tom, a silver-haired "NYC Firefighter," says that he found it funny the way people were "walkin' around in different directions." Tom, incidentally, is hot. Tom is the soap-opera-actor- of-a-certain-age, your-best-friend's-father kind of hot. ["I prefer the expression 'silver fox.'" -- Wing Chun] He also explains that he declined the opportunity to work on the fire, because it's "a loser job." Okay, just because you fight them normally doesn't mean all fires are bad, Tom!
Actually, by "loser job," I think Tom means "job for losers," and here are some now. As we have seen so many times in the past, the purported makers of fire start out with the bow theory of fire-building, and they snap the thing in half. As usual. Jolanda calls for a "strong man," and it turns out that what she wants him for is to knock the heels off her shoes with a machete. We then hear all about the difficulties of coping with being left in their regular clothes from Ian ("Dolphin Trainer"). I loved Ian immediately, and couldn't figure out why until it was quite correctly pointed out to me that he bears a certain resemblance to Djb, even though he is reportedly 6'7" and Djb is not, quite. We watch as some of the girls cut off pantlegs and whatnot, and Ian sounds like he thought all the skirt/pants modifications were pretty cool. And then in a moment that cemented my love for him for eternity, he talks about all the shirts that were being tied up. "I had mine tied up earlier," he says with a grin into the camera. "But I decided to...stop for now." Well, seriously. It's nice to know that chicks aren't the only ones eyeballing everybody else and being like, "Um, can I have a Hefty bag?"
The group that has gone off for water finds a well out in the middle of what certainly appears to be a mowed expanse of lawn with a paved path to it, so that's a little odd. Angie ("Bartender"), along with her many tattoos, says that they were incredibly glad to find the water. And along with the water, they find a large duffel bag containing everyone's regular shoes. As the group makes its way back to camp, Coby comments to Angie that there are an awful lot of young and good-looking people, and they appear to have a lot of potential power. Angie interviews that as soon as she and Coby saw each other, they "knew [they] were going to be kindred to one another," based on how edgy and outsider-y they are. "We understood being different," she says. "We understood being ostracized." She is dead meat with that attitude. ["She's still dealing with high-school shit, clearly, and she needs to get over it." -- Wing Chun] Coby tells Angie that he breathed a sigh of relief when he saw her, since he knew he wouldn't be "the weirdest one." She laughs and says, "Oh, I felt the same way, I thought, 'Oh, we're going to totally get along fine.'" Which, of course, is not quite what he said. He said that she was weird, not that he liked her. After all, if those two thoughts were perfectly congruent, I would be a lot more popular. In an interview, Coby points out that he and Angie both have that sort of self-consciously "different" vibe, and he thinks that they'll have to watch out for being too much like outcasts, or they'll knock themselves out. To me, that scene just showed that Coby has infinitely more confidence than Angie does, because she is desperate to have a friend immediately -- any friend -- and he doesn't really care that much. He can recognize similarities between himself and another person without that saying "soulmates" to him. He's clearly okay with where he is, and he feels like he can mesh with the group, while Angie thinks that she has to try to forge a separate little Losers' Lunch Table. And while I understand how she feels, that's no way to play this particular game. If there's one thing that doesn't bode well on the first day of Survivor, it's being needy. Well, and being old, unless you're an old crazy lady, because they occasionally do well, which kind of gives some hope to Wanda.
Back at shelter-building, there's a sort of convergence of cool people (plus Wanda) working together to get the thing going. Tom (rowr) is working with Jonathan (double-rowr), and they wind up getting Janu (whom I sort of like) to take a climb up a tree to lash a crosspiece to the tree. We get the first pixelized ass of the season as the back of Janu's pants get a little blur action while she's climbing the tree, but I don't fault her, because at least she's doing it in the name of work. Also, I somehow doubt that a Vegas showgirl is trying to get her jollies being all daring with the low-rise pants. Janu explains that she has rock-climbing experience that came in handy here, which makes sense. That kind of rational thinking is sure to get her voted off soon. Meanwhile, Stephenie and Tom have a chat in which they discuss what time of day it is, and then Tom quietly proposes an alliance between himself, Ian, and Stephenie -- not that they know whether they're going to wind up on separate tribes if there wind up being separate tribes. She agrees.
Jolanda eats a grasshopper. Well all right, then.
Coby, Caryn, and Gregg chat out in the woods about whether it would be better to get rid of threats, or what approach they prefer. Coby asks Gregg whether he's leaning toward the girls, and Gregg admits that he doesn't really have thoughts right now; he's just doing his shirtless walking-around thing. Which I want to say I support completely. Coby says that he's leaning toward Jonathan, and there seems to really be no reason for that, particularly, except that Jonathan jumped in the water. Caryn puts up a halfhearted defense of Jonathan for working so hard, but Coby brings her back to the brutally rational point that "everybody's working hard," which is really code for "It's not a work ethic contest, actually." Coby just shrugs that he doesn't "connect" with Jonathan. As if you need to "connect" with anyone on this show. As if you'd want to. Coby interviews that the entire group is convinced that they're going to head for tribal council practically immediately, so it's thrown off everyone's idea that you generally have at least three days to get to know people -- and for them to get to know you -- before you have to start scrambling. He also claims to have been going around all day to little groups of people and asking in a way he's convinced is very subtle whom they might be interested in getting rid of. And he's suggesting Jonathan. And as he points out, people are very likely to go along, because at this stage, they just don't want it to be them.
That night, there is sleeping. And then it becomes morning. And Tom is chopping coconuts, and other people are sucking them down. And then feet are plodding through the jungle. Not just any feet -- mysterious feet. Rich feet. Famous feet. Ultimately, feet of clay, but still. Coby finishes sucking the juice out of a coconut and declares it "cashed." Snerk. "Cashed." Hey, there's no reason to put aside your lingo just because you're in the jungle. And then, out of the jungle, here come those feet. And they're attached to...Jeff Probst! He greets the group and Katie claps and cheers, like, "I could be the Mrs. Probst!" Which is true, after all. Jeff begins the festivities by pulling Ian and Jolanda over to separate spots on the beach. Hey, do you smell team-picking? Oh, me too. Indeed, Jeff explains that this is where they pick tribes. And the evil twist is that they'll choose two tribes of nine people, meaning that the two people who aren't chosen will be done. So that's how they're doing the first pruning of this unwieldy group of individuals. And it's only that elimination from which Jolanda and Ian are immune, incidentally. The picking will alternate men and women, and once Ian and Jolanda make the first picks, each pick will be done by the last person picked. In other words, when you're chosen, you choose the person. Because they're alternating sexes, men will pick women and women will pick men.
Ian is first, and he's picking, as Jeff puts it, a "girl." Ian looks over and picks Katie. She and her black lace camisole and red skirt run over and give him big hugs, because, yay, her! I'm figuring they have to have made friends, because she isn't an obvious first-choice pick. Asked to pick a guy, Jolanda picks Bobby Jon. Called upon to pick a guy, Katie picks Tom. (Smart girl.) Bobby Jon picks Stephenie. Tom picks Janu. Steph picks Jeff. (Who?) Janu picks Gregg. Jeff picks Kim. (Who?) Gregg picks Jen. (Who?) Kim picks James. Jen picks Coby. James picks Ashlee. (Who?) Coby is called upon to pick a woman. Remaining are Angie, Caryn, and Wanda. And Coby picks Caryn. And Angie's sad little heart goes "rrrrrrrrip!" She's going to have to get a new tattoo of a snake crying black tears. She looks at the ground, then uncomfortably out at the water, like she doesn't know what to do with her eyes so that she doesn't look at Coby. Ashlee is picking a guy from among Willard, Jonathan, and hot-hot-hot Ibrehem. She takes the hot-hot-hot, and who wouldn't?
So now, only Wanda and Angie remain, of the women. Wanda smiles through an admission to Jeff that her heart is pounding. You can tell she's already thinking about something to the tune of "Camptown Races," but she keeps it to herself for the moment. Men left are Willard and Jonathan, and Jonathan expresses surprise at not having been picked earlier. He apparently failed to watch last season, when we learned that even when you're still trying to win team challenges, it's the thing to do now to get rid of potential immunity monsters. And indeed, Caryn chooses...Willard. I would have been sad if Willard had been booted off. Jonathan was very, very pretty, but there are, like, six of him, so I'll live. Ibrehem is picking a woman. The last woman. Will we have to listen to Wanda's singing or look at Angie's tattoos? He picks...Angie. Goes to show you that if you're going to be potentially annoying, you should try to do it without audio. Everyone looks all sad, because the last thing they expected when they came on Survivor was to have to make choices that made other people get thrown out of the game. I don't know where they kidnapped these unwilling participants, but I'm starting to think it was from the line for tickets to a Dr. Phil taping.
Jonathan and Wanda head out onto the boat, and everyone on the beach applauds as they leave, which is utterly pukey. There is crying on the beach. Because they just love crazy-ass Wanda, whom they just met and don't like and would report to the cops if she were singing on the sidewalk in front of wherever they live. James gives two of the girls a hug. ("Now yoo don' setcher hart ta' worryin' 'bout no folk got burgers whahll you still stuck on rahce fer no month....") And then as the boat pulls away, Wanda, still clad in her bra and slip, gets up and blows a zillion kisses. And then she starts singing. Everyone on the beach smiles, thinking, "Aww, that's sort of touching, and it makes me feel a lot better about getting rid of her." Jonathan, on the boat: "I survived cancer for this?" That was an incredibly unconvincing display of sentimentality, I have to say. Cheap, cheap, cheap. ["Having been to camp and remembering the kind of drama you can get into with people you've known for a short period of time, but under intense circmstances, I will give them the benefit of the doubt as to its legitimacy. On the other hand, when I was at camp, I was, like, eight." -- Wing Chun] Jolanda interviews that she was so sad, but now she's going to "refocus." Refocus, Jolanda!
Jeff hands blue buffs to Jolanda's "Ulong" tribe, and brown buffs to Ian's "Koror" tribe. Ian sniffs his buff deeply and hilariously. I told you he was Djb. Jeff's surprise is that while the tribes are now delineated, they are still -- for the moment -- living together on the same beach. They head home.
When we rejoin the group after a commercial, there is plenty of inter-team chatting going on, so the tribes apparently haven't yet chosen to isolate from each other. In an interview, a weepy Angie snorfles that she "felt horrible being picked last." This is how you can tell she is sad a lot, because if you're going to be out-there Tattoo Girl, you have to learn to sort of relish being picked last by a bunch of actor-model-bartenders, or you're going to have a very unhappy life. She would have killed this whole issue if she had been able to say to the camera, "I'm not sure tattoos go over really well with people whose idea of radical body modification is porcelain veneers." And then add the eye-roll, and you're done. Furthermore, she wasn't picked last! Wanda was picked last! Further-furthermore, who in the hell cares? They don't know you yet. It's so sad how by far the best thing she could have done in this situation was to forget all about it, and you can just tell she's not going to. Of course, she reserves some of her bitterness for Coby, because he didn't pick her -- his fellow "outcast." ["I'm saying. High school." -- Wing Chun] She was sure he was going to, because she willfully chose to misread their earlier conversation. She also insists that "there's no kindred feelings" with the tribe she wound up with. "I'm the odd man out!" she declares, bleeding with seventh-grade hurt that you just would like to be able to help her with but can't, because Band-Aids don't come in a size intended for abrasions on your soul. Jeff actually comes over to Angie and gives her a hug, telling her there was never anything against her, not that this will help. All she really wants is a Thing, and now this will be her Thing. She is Picked-Last Girl, and no one understands her. Which, let's be honest, is where she wanted to wind up anyway, because it keeps her from having to socialize with anyone. You always have to watch out for those situations in which you're allegedly being mercilessly screwed, but it turns out that it's actually really handy for you.
At a Koror team meeting, Gregg points out that they may have a higher average age than the other team, but they can still try to hold their own in physical stuff. A shirtless Ian -- who has no reason to fear shirtlessness, as he is a fine specimen of the thin, dolphin-trainer variety -- interviews that he wanted to wind up with a tribe of smarter people, so he's very happy with his group. He's got Caryn and Willard and Tom, so he's got the market pretty much cornered on the upper end of the scale. And they're facing "young bucks."
Over at Ulong, Home Of The Young Buck, Jeff tells the team not to believe it if anyone from the other team talks any smack about any Ulongian. They're just trying to bring down the band, man! The team theoretically agrees to share all such trash-talking, Koror-originating information if it comes to them. Ibrehem ("Waiter") interviews that no matter what role intelligence may play, a certain amount of success in the game is athletic, so he believes that the younger Ulong will have an advantage. Note that he didn't choose to say, "Besides, we, too, are smart." Evidently, he had met his team by this point.
The entire group rows together in their big, big boat to a beach where Probst is waiting. They hop off and gather on their mats. Jeff explains that the challenge is both for reward and for immunity, and it's a "jungle obstacle course." You first work through a maze of nets, and then through a bunch of tires, and then you reach a supply area where there are four paddles that you have to take, and then there are four other things you can choose to take. There's fire (flint); two cans of water; flour and rice; and a tarp. The items are in heavy weighted crates, however, so you basically have to decide how much you want to haul with you. You take what you want, and then you head up and over a wall, through a swamp, and to a canoe. Then you drop your items, get in your canoe, paddle out to a flag, and paddle back. The first tribe done with the course gets immunity, and also gets to keep whatever they brought through the course. So the balance, of course, is between how much you want to try to drag versus how fast you want to move.
Ian and Jolanda are required to take off their necklaces, which are no good anymore. And it's not like they're aesthetically pleasing. Probst then shows them the immunity idol, which is a little monkey-looking guy who appears to be doing some yoga. Having shown him off to the group, Probst is ready to do what he must: "Survivors ready...go!" The teams head up the net, and Tom kicks its ass, unsurprisingly. If you've ever wondered why people have really inappropriate affairs with people in positions of authority, I would direct your attention to Tom. Koror works up to a lead as it finishes with the nets, but Ulong begins to catch up. The teams are neck-and-neck as they get to the supply dump. They drag everything out, and then Koror makes the fateful decision to take only the fire, which I think is very wise. If you have fire, you can deal with your water situation -- you certainly don't need the cans of water, although obviously, having the cans themselves would be nice. Steph tries to get Ulong to move its ass, but a portion of the team is determined to take everything with them. Jolanda, in particular, insists on hanging around for as much stuff as possible, despite the team's concerns that they're falling behind. Ultimately, the agitators force the issue and the team has wasted so much time untying the crates containing food and water that it takes off -- without fire. I often wish there were a way to disqualify people for sheer idiocy without playing out the rest of the challenge, and that would be a perfect opportunity to use that rule, because...come on. Seriously.
Koror makes it to the wall with their little fire crate. Ulong isn't that far behind -- Koror is only about halfway over when Ulong shows up. Probst notes the lack of fire on Ulong's part. "Interesting strategy," he notes with evident disgust.
Koror finishes crossing the wall and heads through the swamp with a growing lead. Their lead, of course, grows in the flat-out racing parts of the course, because they're not dragging as much crap with them. They get to the beach and to their canoe first. They head out. Probst tries to keep Ulong moving as it reaches the beach and its boat, suggesting that they might still catch Koror with excellent paddling. But as Koror, which I believe is receiving shouted instructions from Ian -- though it might be Gregg -- hits its flag on the first shot, Probst notes that Ulong is actually...paddling in totally the wrong direction. They seem to have no ability to measure which way they're going, and they also seem to be having everyone paddle on the same side. Among other things, I think their frantic arrival led to their not really stopping to work in any deliberate way; they're just all digging as hard as they can.
Koror, on the other hand, paddles simply and efficiently toward shore. Ian seems to absolutely know how to steer a canoe from the back, so I think that's helping them a great deal. His profile lists past work as an "outdoor adventure group dynamics facilitator," which might make you turn out twee, but would probably teach you canoeing, as would being a camp counselor, which he also was. (Don't you love it when I do research?) Ulong, meanwhile, actually screws itself so thoroughly that they wind up backwards, and the people in the boat turn around and make the back into the front and the front into the back, because it's that or try to get the whole canoe to turn. The long and the short of it is that Koror kicks Ulong's ass while Ulong is still wandering aimlessly out in the water. That was not close. Koror wins immunity and reward, and Ulong is headed to tribal council. You can also tell that Koror has won the crucial Race to Bond First, as their on-shore hugs already look somewhat genuine. They also seem to have fewer total jerkwads, and that undoubtedly is also worth something. Jeff hands them the idol. They crow in victory as Jeff tells them that they have one choice remaining. There's no more tribes living together, so they can either go back to the old beach kick off Ulong, or they can go to the new separate beach. The tribe turns to Tom for an answer, and he suggests that they head for the new beach. ["Dumb. Bye, Tom." -- Wing Chun] They decide to take their chances with the fresh start, and Jeff gives them the map. And then Jeff tells Ulong they can go home and get ready for tribal council. He manages not to add "suckers," although he kind of wants to. I think you can tell a couple of promising things about Koror, although it's too early to say how the game is going to go. One is that several different folks have already been leaders at various times -- Caryn has, Tom has, Ian has, and even Gregg sort of has. So you don't have that chaotic screaming crapola that you get when a team is just milling around like confused ants.
We watch as the happy, happy Koror tribe paddles toward its beach in its canoe, flush with victory, anxious to bask in the glow of fire. Katie says that indeed, they were "so excited" after the challenge as they were heading back. And then, as they're paddling, sort of at random it seems, they...tip over. Yep. Right into the drink. They claim that it was a wave that put them over, but it didn't look like it was that devastating a wave. I think the outrigger was a bit harder than it looked, and that they probably weren't being quite as careful as they should have been. The tragedy, of course, is that their fire supplies were in a heavy steel box that immediately went directly to the bottom. Ian dives to see if he can spot the fire box, but for now, nothing doing. Tom has a bitter chuckle over how "crushed" they are at the moment. He says that because they left the old beach, they're actually in a worse position than before, survival-wise. Of course, they're still not going to tribal council, so there's that.
A dejected Ulong returns to its beach in its canoe, undoubtedly feeling pretty low. Angie interviews that they lost because they didn't pick smart -- she thinks Koror was right just to take the fire with them. Once they're situated and chopping coconuts, Jolanda rants that they can eat coconuts for thirty-nine days if they need to, so she's "not going to allow anyone to be negative." That is not a good strategy right there, I'll tell you that much. Angie interviews that she thinks she's vulnerable, due to her position as a potential "weak link." I find the dragonfly tattoo between her breasts very distracting, partly because I can't look at it without going, "Ow."
Jolanda takes a walk with Ibrehem and Bobby Jon, and she explains that she thinks that for physical stuff, she's stronger than most of the guys on Koror. These three are indeed, just as Angie feared, talking about an Angie boot. No kindred feelings! Jolanda interviews that Angie has to go for the sake of the strength of the team. Jolanda talks to Stephenie about this matter, and about the fact that they certainly can't give up any of their boys. Boys are important! Stephenie agrees that Jolanda's strength is a plus, but also tells Jolanda straight-up that they should have left earlier with less stuff during the challenge, and she's unhappy that they didn't. Jolanda somewhat grudgingly agrees, the better to keep Stephenie in line. Stephenie says that she guesses she'll vote out Angie. Stephenie then interviews that she's nervous about going to tribal council, and that she's mad that they made a stupid mistake that put them in this position. She also makes it clear that she blames Jolanda for the loss. After telling Jolanda she'll vote against Angie, Stephenie takes her Jolanda-blaming routine to Bobby Jon, but he tells her that he's not going to vote Jo off, because she's got too much strength. As previously stated, he's going with the Angie vote.
Jolanda continues her campaign to play in a way that has never worked for anyone, ever, when she bossily lectures the team that for every two hours of work, they're going to rest for one hour. No discussion -- this is apparently just the way it's going to be. Because it's Jolanda's world, and they're just living on it. Ashlee declares Jolanda "a strong personality" and, worse, "not a team player." A chat takes place among James, Kim, Ashlee, Jeff, and Angie, in which they decide that Jolanda is just a little bit too pushy and obnoxious, and now that they know they have agreement on it, they're thinking that's what they'll do, vote-wise. Angie interviews that she was certainly happy to jump on a train headed in the direction of someone other than herself.
The tribe paddles to tribal council. When they get there and seat themselves, they come under the watchful eye of Probst, who forces them to dip their torches, not that they'll get to keep their fire. He gives the "fire is life" speech, because there's no meaningless flourish quite like a Burnett-ian meaningless flourish, and then it is time to get things underway. Jeff welcomes the group, tells them he knows they don't want to be here, and starts by asking Stephenie what the biggest surprise has been so far. She hesitates before talking about how they can't get fire, and they're hungry and thirsty. Is that a big surprise? Or is that just the thing she decided she wanted to talk about, irrespective of what the question was? Asked if he's happy with the tribe, James says that he certainly is. Actually, it's a "da-im fahne trahb," and he's sure that there are lots of wins to come, despite today's loss.
Probst asks Jeff about their strategy and the fact that they got beat on the brains issue of what to take and how fast to leave. Of course, I think that, given their paddling, they'd probably have lost anyway, to be perfectly honest. But Jeff agrees that they did just screw up by taking too much stuff. Probst mocks them a little more for not even bringing the fire, getting one more "hay-ll no" out of James. "Dumb-ass," James also declares. (About the tribe, not Probst.)
Probst asks Ashlee whether the tribe has a leader. She says she thinks that they don't, which is what's holding them back -- they haven't unified and found themselves anyone to lead them. Probst asks Jolanda whether the group can self-lead, and Jolanda says no, and that she thinks they need a leader. She says she'd lead, but that she knows that she has "a very strong personality," and she knows it can be off-putting. Probst then moves to Angie, driving it home to her again how she was picked last. He asks her whether that's weighing on her, and she says that it is, but she tried hard at the challenge. She does a really stupid thing by declaring that she considered her head to be "on the chopping block." I hate that, because it's always self-fulfilling. Make yourself look like an easy target, especially early on, and you're going to wind up as one. Poor self-pitying Tattoo Girl.
Probst sends them off to vote. Jolanda votes for Angie, saying that she's just too darn weak. Steph votes. Jeff votes. Ashlee votes, Bobby Jon votes, Kim votes, James votes. Ibrehem votes. Angie votes for Jolanda. "It's nothing personal," she says, "but it's either you or I, and I don't want it to be me." Wow, that's awesome, pronoun-wise. Probst heads off to tally. When he returns, he reminds them all of the rule about fleeing the tribal council area promptly, or you will be chased by dogs. First vote goes to Angie. vote Jolanda. Angie. Angie. Jolanda. Jolanda. Tied at 3-3. Jolanda. And...Jolanda. So we've got one vote we will never see. Jolanda gets up, wishes the team well, and leaves. Probst tells the team to "stop with the excuses and get a plan," tells them they have to earn fire on their own, and sends them out. All in all, not an entirely unpromising season premiere, especially compared to last time.
week: Rats. Storms. Flint-hunting. And canoodling, canoodling, canoodling! You won't want to miss it.