So Chris won, remember? Sure you do. You laughed! You wept! You wrote to your relatives!
We open the Reunion portion of tonight's Vanuatupalooza by gazing fondly upon the now-famous Chris interview in which he explains that by allowing women to see your warm and vulnerable side, you can fuck them over much more efficiently. Uh, Chris? You really don't need to spread that around, because as a principle, it causes enough trouble for some of us already.
Back on stage, Jeff and his...baseball jersey (someone has apparently absconded with Jeff's usual collection of pseudo-casual safari-barbecue-company-picnic-wear) explain that Chris's ability to read chicks is "just one of the reasons" he won the money. Other reasons, of course, include bitterness, stupidity, artificial joints, and the unbreakable bonds of NASCAR. Jeff asks Chris to recall his "rough start" in the first episode, when he found himself unable to navigate the balance beam and almost exited first. Asked whether there was a turning point for him in the game, Chris tells a story about Julie coming to talk to him after she jumped alliances back from Lopevi to the women after the merge, and asking him if he hated her. He assured her that he didn't hate her, but was just disappointed. Jeff -- beginning a bizarre effort that will last throughout the episode to cast Chris as a worthless piece of shit -- says in an accusatory fashion, "You played the disappointment card." Huh? Chris is like, "Uh, I guess," and then explains that he was glad he kept his relationship with Julie intact, because ultimately, Julie was the person who took up for him with the Ami alliance. Jeff tells Chris that he was very good at telling people what they wanted to hear. "You played this big-brother, 'I'm just really disappointed,'" Jeff lectures, based on apparently very little evidence. I mean, didn't Chris have reason to be disappointed when Julie went with the women instead of with Lopevi? Isn't "disappointed" pretty much the precisely correct reaction? Chris counters that his thinking was that Chad had been extremely upset with Julie after she bolted the Lopevi alliance, and that Sarge reacted the same way, so basically, Chris just felt like acting angry wasn't productive, no matter how angry he actually was. "I saw an opening to keep my mouth shut," he says. Wow. Yeah, Jeff, he's a real bastard.
Jeff turns to Julie. "He pays you back," Jeff says, "by putting his arm around you, stroking your hair, and then cutting your throat." Julie nods sadly. "Stroking your hair"? Whatever, No-thario. Jeff then expresses some shock at the fact that Julie voted for Chris anyway. "Because he played me so hard," she says. "I wasn't going to vote out of spite." Jeff congratulates Julie for being "able to separate personal feelings at that moment and still look and say, 'He did play me.'" Julie agrees, because she also thinks she's awesome. And...you know, speaking of separating personal feelings, I'm not saying that Jeff was obligated to tell anyone that he was dating Julie before the reunion aired, but two things strike me. First of all, he loves to embarrass people by going after their personal lives and trying to keep them from having any privacy whatsoever, so I'm not sure his life should have been set up as off-limits, which it obviously was, or someone would have mentioned it. And second of all, if Julie is his girlfriend now, to the point where he's making "this person is the love of my life" statements, can he interview her with any detachment whatsoever? Not to go all professional-obligations about reality-show production, but I kind of feel like Jeff's role at the reunion is largely to call out bullshit, and it's not like he's going to do that when they're a couple. It's just...he doesn't have to not have favorites, but I'm not sure he should be practically engaged to somebody and not even disclose it, because we're kind of sitting through a faked-up dynamic in which he knows her from the show, like he does anyone else. It would be one thing if he had done it in a way that made him seem capable of putting those feelings aside, but...he didn't. Which we'll get back to.
Jeff turns to Julie. "He pays you back," Jeff says, "by putting his arm around you, stroking your hair, and then cutting your throat." Julie nods sadly. "Stroking your hair"? Whatever, No-thario. Jeff then expresses some shock at the fact that Julie voted for Chris anyway. "Because he played me so hard," she says. "I wasn't going to vote out of spite." Jeff congratulates Julie for being "able to separate personal feelings at that moment and still look and say, 'He did play me.'" Julie agrees, because she also thinks she's awesome. And...you know, speaking of separating personal feelings, I'm not saying that Jeff was obligated to tell anyone that he was dating Julie before the reunion aired, but two things strike me. First of all, he loves to embarrass people by going after their personal lives and trying to keep them from having any privacy whatsoever, so I'm not sure his life should have been set up as off-limits, which it obviously was, or someone would have mentioned it. And second of all, if Julie is his girlfriend now, to the point where he's making "this person is the love of my life" statements, can he interview her with any detachment whatsoever? Not to go all professional-obligations about reality-show production, but I kind of feel like Jeff's role at the reunion is largely to call out bullshit, and it's not like he's going to do that when they're a couple. It's just...he doesn't have to not have favorites, but I'm not sure he should be practically engaged to somebody and not even disclose it, because we're kind of sitting through a faked-up dynamic in which he knows her from the show, like he does anyone else. It would be one thing if he had done it in a way that made him seem capable of putting those feelings aside, but...he didn't. Which we'll get back to.
Jeff now turns to Eliza and tells her it's "basically the same story," and she nods in agreement. Chris played her, lied to her, and she still voted for him. And Jeff -- who is not setting the world on fire with his insightful analysis of the season thus far -- does at least have the perceptiveness to ask Eliza whether she voted "for Chris or against Twila." Eliza admits that her vote was a combination of both, but that a lot of it was indeed against Twila. She repeats her accusations from the season that Twila treated her disrespectfully, even though she claims that over time, she has "grown to love Twila" (in the "can look upon her without spitting" sense), and no longer has hard feelings. Lie! "But at the time," Eliza says with that self-satisfied little tightly smiling face, "I was furious with her." She wants you to understand, in case you thought "deceptive, lying bitch" was a compliment. (The way it would be from, you know, me.)
Jeff asks Chris whether this aspect of Twila -- this tendency to inspire votes "against" from other people -- played into his decision about who he wanted with him in the final two. Chris laughs at this incredibly dumb question, and says "absolutely" that was part of the decision. Chris stammers about how Twila is Twila, and that if you saw the show, you know what she's like. She's "outspoken," and "wasn't shy about telling somebody what she thought." Twila jumps in here, eager to lap up some of what Jeff is scooping out for her: "What you're saying is that most of the time, I told the truth, but you lied like a dog and you won?" Chris shrugs, Twila laughs, and everyone applauds, because...well, yes, dear. What show did you think this was? "I think that's pretty clear at this point," Jeff says with what borders on disgust at the outcome, which I think is completely bizarre. I just don't get what's up Jeff's ass about Chris winning, but something certainly is.
Continuing the Jeff Probst Parade Of Baffled Contempt For People Who Voted For Chris, he moves on to Leann. He continues to press the issue of people voting for Chris even though he totally liiiiiied to them, and it's so absurd -- Leann is the person most likely to vote for Chris. Why on earth would Leann vote for Twila? Chris and Twila were both part of the group that voted Leann off, and Twila was the one who was supposed to be on Leann's side. And she didn't like Twila, and she didn't have any reason not to like Chris. She also explains that Chris had such crap odds of getting to the final four -- not to mention winning -- when it came down to him and six women, that she couldn't help being impressed with his game play. "And secondly, I promised Twila I'd never write her name down," says Leann. Everybody's like, "Oh, buuuuurn," and it's like...do you people watch the damn show? That's Alicia's bit, and it isn't even as brilliant as Alicia thought it was, let alone capable of carrying over to another season. Jeff asks Leann whether her vote was also against Twila, and Leann allows that, in part, it was: "Yeah, my feelings were hurt." Not to be confused with being bitter because she lost, because it wasn't like that at all.
And now, we move along to Ami, whom Jeff doesn't tacitly accuse of being an idiot for voting against Twila, even though Twila voted against Ami and engineered the downfall of that alliance. Because baffling votes for Twila are not to be questioned; only baffling votes for Chris. Jeff merely says, "In spite of everything you said, you voted for Twila." And he says it kind of admiringly, like it was really cool of her to put aside the ugliness. Ami sucks up the praise, grinning as if she is a good sport -- which she isn't -- and saying that Twila played her so effectively that Twila "got [Ami] straight on." Jeff doesn't counter that Twila "slit [Ami's] throat" or anything, so apparently if Twila fucks you over and you vote for her, you're a hero, but if Chris fucks you over and you vote for him, you're a weak little fool. Nice. Jeff asks Ami whether her vote had to do with the women's alliance, and she insists that it didn't. Ami pretends to be gracious, talking about how Chris and Twila both outplayed her and laughing as if she doesn't resent it, when she totally does. It's always so obvious when these people have spent a lot of time reading about themselves and know exactly what they need to say and do in order to redeem themselves, including complete personality makeovers. Reunion Ami just doesn't have very much to do with Game Ami, to the point where you wonder if she's in that awesome movie where Mare Winningham winds up with another woman's brain.
Chad is asked about his vote. You can tell this is going to be really boring, because when you don't focus on who's going to be cast into hell, you're much less interesting television. He says that it was about "the big picture," clarifying calmly that he had nothing against Twila personally. He claims that Chris has played the best out of anyone in any season. It's hard for me to agree or disagree, because Chris played a cast of dopes, but I do agree that he played well. So Chad voted on that basis? Well, that's boring. Where's the drama, CHAD?
Jeff returns to the women's alliance, and he says that the women all got together and formed an alliance, and that, at the beginning, it went well, getting them to 7-3 at the merge. And they got a woman into the final two, and there were five women on the jury, but a guy won. Jeff is totally baffled, which he shouldn't be, but he sort of knocks the women around about apparently abandoning the principle that they should vote for the person with the right chromosomes in favor of "a guy who lied to every woman here." "Why is it so hard to keep a women's alliance together?" he asks. Which is such an irritating and asshole-ish question, I cannot tell you. Come on, Jeff! It isn't hard to keep a women's alliance together! It's hard to keep a six-person alliance together! When has a six-person alliance ever lasted as long as this one did? A six-person alliance cannot possibly have any function except to get you down to the last six, because at that time, it has to break. They got down to the last seven! That's pretty damn good. And if there is any indication of how a final six alliance is going to break at the final six, it's going to break before that, because nobody is willingly going to go into the final six in a way that's going to keep them out of the final four, or the final two. This is just such a stupid, insulting line of questioning, because it doesn't say anything about women's alliances. Their alliance worked very well, which is what Jeff should be concentrating on, and it collapsed when it had lasted almost as long as it possible could and its leaders made some strategic mistakes late in the game. Furthermore, none of these women were ever in this alliance in order to get a woman winner, because there have been plenty of women who have won. Going into this season, there had been five women who had won Survivor and three men. Nobody needed a women's alliance in order for a woman to win; that wasn't the purpose. The purpose was for these particular women to benefit themselves and increase their own odds of winning by pushing themselves closer to the end -- which they did. The fact that they voted for a guy in F2 has nothing to do with anything, because the generic concept of getting a victory for a woman was never the purpose of the alliance, so it didn't fail in that regard. Bleh. Shut up, Jeff.
Anyway, Julie talks about how she's "just figuring this out," this part about how maybe Chris has no feelings. Chris assures Julie that he has feelings, but before he can respond to this any further, Jeff cuts him off -- far be it from Jeff to let Chris counter any of the bullshit Jeff is spewing -- and goes to commercial. Because who cares about hearing the winner discuss the role that emotion did or didn't play in his game when instead you can listen to Leann discuss her hurt feelings? Of course, Jeff doesn't leave before promising that we're going to talk when we return about the always scintillating matter of Twila swearing on her son when it turned out that she was lying. Because in case you haven't heard, that happened. "Has anybody forgiven her?" Jeff asks. "We will find out." I often like Jeff, but damn, this is not a good performance from him.
When we come back, we watch again as Twila swears to Ami and Leann that she will be true to them. Back on the finale stage, Jeff asks Twila again whether she regrets doing it, even though she has said repeatedly already that she does. Apparently, Jeff will not be satisfied until Twila opens a vein, pours out her own blood, and writes "I am sorry" on the stage a hundred times. Twila repeats that she regretted it from the start, and explains that, as the game progressed, she realized that she and Julie were going to wind up fighting for third, only to get knocked off by Ami and Leann and excluded from F2. And she's exactly right. And she goes on to say that she expected at that time to remain true to Ami and Leann because she didn't think she'd have any opportunity to make anything turn out differently, and she figured she was stuck with the ending she predicted, which was coming in third or fourth. It was only when she saw the opening that came along when they decided to go after Eliza instead of Chris that she changed her tune.
Jeff asks Ami -- with whom he is weirdly obsessed, considering that she came in sixth, for God's sake -- why there was such a reaction to that lie in a game where lying is part of the game. "And Chris lied so many more times to everybody," he says, even though Ami voted for Twila, so shut up, Jeff! Ami plays her "I was just disappointed" card, not that Jeff calls her on it, by saying that she "didn't expect anything from Chris." She also goes on to play her My Family Tragedy card by mentioning her brother. Ami apparently has information that no one else, especially Twila, has ever lost a family member, and therefore everyone is required to accept her uniquely informed judgment on this point.
Now, Jeff asks Scout about this. Scout -- again not seeing her own forehead for the trees -- says she was amazed by "all the self-righteousness that came out." And I agree with that, totally, except, of course, that she is picking at the "Twila swore on her sooon" speck and missing the "Chris speaks buuuuullshit" plank, as is typical of reunion specials. So...good one, not. But everyone cheers, and I sort of do, too, because at least she's creating an uncomfortable moment for Ami and Sarge. "Everybody is so self-righteous," Scout goes on, "and they're so loving, and they're so harmonious -- why don't they just forgive [Twila]? God did. I do." Twila yanks Scout into a hug, and I did understand that, because Twila has been laid out for this plenty already, and at least Scout got a barb in on her behalf. Ami insists that she has forgiven Twila, realizing that "that was her game." Not that there was anything to forgive, so much, but that's never gotten in the way of a good self-important gloat.
And now we go to the one person in the audience who really gets a vote, and that's Twila's son James. James stands up and says that Twila was playing a game. And he loves her, win or lose. And...man, just look at her beaming at that kid and trying not to cry. That is a good, good mom. You can just tell. And it makes me all the more pissed off that they have continued to torment her with this for the last several episodes, because it just...isn't necessary. James basically says that Twila was doing her best for herself and for him, and that it ain't no thing, as far as he's concerned. Now, Jeff jumps in with what he says is an "editorial comment," as if he hasn't been doing that throughout the entire show, and says that Twila came into the show with more legitimate need for the money than anybody who's ever been on, given her seven-day workweeks and her three jobs. Jeff asks whether anyone's opinion of Twila changed after watching the show. Because it's been fully five minutes since Jeff tried to browbeat someone into admitting to being ashamed of having voted for Chris, so he's falling farther and farther behind every minute. Oh, and whom does he ask? Julie. Because Julie is totally not talking enough. Julie says that she totally did change her opinion of Twila, and that now she finds Twila "endearing" and is "completely disillusioned by Chris." And that sort of explains, I guess, why Jeff is being such a fucknut to Chris through this entire thing. He sits around at dinner listening to how "disillusioned" Julie is while he stares meaningfully into her eyes and tells her stories about all the times he and Colby went out. You know, just to pick up chicks together.
Now, Jeff asks Eliza about her differences with Twila, and asks about the fact that "Twila can't not be Twila." He wonders, did Eliza look at that and start to understand Twila a little bit more? Eliza hesitates, and finally says, "A little bit." But really, the hate is still strong in Eliza. She says that she had in fact begun to believe that she was over it, only to watch the last couple of episodes in which Twila was so bitchy and mean about the bananas and some other stuff, and that brought it all back. So clearly, Eliza? Still mad. And then Jeff goes back to Ami, yet again, asking her about her "change of heart" about Twila. So now, Ami gets to talk more about what a wonderful and warm person she is for reaching this point of understanding, and this entire thing utterly makes me want to throw up. Leann says she doesn't think Twila sucks anyway; she just had her feelings hurt, and she voted for Chris because he played well, not because she thought Twila sucked. She talks about getting "caught up" in what she believed was a real friendship with Twila, and...dude. Shut up. If you had a real friendship, then you can still have one, because it's not. About. Voting. If it's about voting, then it's not a real friendship. Boston Rob said it once, and it's still true. But Leann declares herself "willing" to put aside her hurt feelings, blah dee blah. Big of her.
Jeff now moves on to Sarge, giving him a firm (and, in this case, appropriate) "you suck, man" look before saying that clearly, what Sarge said at the final tribal council -- you know, about Twila's having cast her son into hell -- was very upsetting to Twila. "She asked for your forgiveness," Jeff says, "and so far, it doesn't seem like there's any chance that's happening." Sarge says that on the contrary, he had "a change of heart" and has already told Twila that he's forgiven her for this basically meaningless sin that has nothing to do with his ethical-hospital-corners-obsessed ass anyway. And then he says, "Who am I to judge anybody?," and everyone claps. Because, yay for trying to save your reputation, you judgmental dick! Of course, Sarge ruins it anyway, because Scout says, "Yeah, woo!" and applauds, and Sarge realizes that it might look like he was admitting Scout was right, and you certainly can't have that. So he sort of spits, "I wasn't talking to you anyway, Scout." Yeah. He doesn't judge anyone, except people who clap when he thinks they shouldn't. Sarge says that Twila is a good person, and that he bonded with her, and he knows how hard she works, so he respects her and they're "true friends." Jeff says that's good. Bleh.
up, Chris's fiancée, on why "every Thursday night was followed by a Friday-morning therapy session." Oh, good.
When we return, Jeff reminds us about how the loved ones participated in the immunity challenge, and how Chris told Laurie that he was going to be voted off. We then join Laurie in the audience, and we learn that, apparently, Chris told Laurie again when he got home that he was indeed voted off the night of the loved ones immunity challenge. Ew. Really? Because...ew. The audience hoots, and up on stage, Chris laughs. My assumption is that Chris thought it would be great to surprise her and watch her reaction when she learned that he didn't really get voted off, but...wow. Not a great idea. Laurie confirms that she was just sure that Chris would go, because he was the only guy left, and "women stick together." I swear, this is like a Parade of Stereotypes, and I keep stepping in different varieties of horse poop. And anyway, it turns out that Chris didn't tell Laurie that he was in the final two until tonight. Which...well, right. But by then, she knew he wasn't out the night she visited, right? I don't understand that question. "I literally thought on Thanksgiving night that we were taking the redeye to New York," she says. And see, I think Chris did that as a very elaborate gag, which, depending on their relationship, I can almost understand. Jeff takes this as just another opportunity to kick Chris's ass about being a liar, which...Jeff, this one was, though admittedly ill-advised, a joke. He wasn't trying to win money from Laurie. (At least I think he wasn't.)
Jeff's question is to...Julie. Surprise! Jeff thinks Julie is so interesting. And he wants to know about the toll that was taken on everyone, as far as the conditions, and the eating and sleeping and whatnot, as well as the emotional part. Is there any way to prepare yourself adequately, he wonders? She says that "human nature took over," and that she really began to care about everyone, especially -- although this goes unsaid -- about their ability to help her win a buttload of money: "You can't explain the emotional component of this from sitting and watching it on TV." Well, unless you've ever competed at anything or had friends, in which case you can know enough about forgiveness and especially hypocrisy to come pretty goddamn close, notwithstanding the conviction that people on this show always have that they've experienced something that bonds them eternally with other people who have also been on the show, and also with people who have been on Big Brother and Temptation Island, though it isn't clear why that would be the case. But thanks for that anyway, Julie. Does Jeff move on to someone else? No, he does not. He stays with Julie, asking her whether she "learn[ed] anything about herself." She says she learned "you can't really tell where people draw their line." You know, I don't think Jeff is repeatedly calling on Julie because she's so articulate and her comments are so insightful. Just a theory.
And to whom does Jeff speak ? Ami. Ami again, Ami some more. He asks her what she took away from the game. But she doesn't answer that -- she first wants to point out that Laurie's crying saved Chris, because all of a sudden, the new theory is that he was spared because they thought Laurie would blame herself. Wow. Ami certainly does have an endless number of explanations for things in which it becomes clear that she, coincidentally, is awesome. Jeff jumps on, however, saying that Chris saying "I'm sorry I lost" was obviously "subtext: 'I'm sorry you lost.'" Wait, what? No, it wasn't! Chris completely believed he was doomed, which he, to all appearances, was. That's kind of a shitty thing to say, that the guy was intentionally making the woman who is still his fiancée feel like crap, particularly when there isn't any basis for it. Bulletin: Jeff sucks! Anyway, when asked for anything she learned about herself, Ami, as usual, can only praise herself, saying that she learned "the quicker you forgive, the better you feel." She didn't learn that she shouldn't have been so arrogant, she didn't learn that she can get on people's nerves -- she only learned how she should handle it when other people suck. Of course. She acknowledges that she had all kinds of "anger and hate towards Twila." And rather than noticing that she never had any basis for anger or hate in the first place, Ami's learned that she should "forgive." Shut up, Ami.
Jeff asks Rory about his highs and lows. Did he take anything away from the game? Rory says he learned that he "needed to be true to [him]self." He also recognizes that it might be better to "hold [his] tongue" occasionally, kind of like Twila. Remember Twila? Jeff has basically ignored her and Chris throughout the reunion because he is so fascinated with Ami and Julie, but there are also Chris and Twila sitting over on a couple of stumps, waiting to discuss their respective roles in the game. But like I said, don't feel bad if you forgot them -- Jeff did, too. Anyway, Rory is also grateful that everybody returned alive. Clearly, Rory is a glass-half-full kind of guy.
And to whom does Jeff move now? Leann. Again. He asks her about the time she's spent thinking about everything that happened. Can I point out, by the way, that so far, Jeff has asked nine people who made it to the merge a total of twenty-three questions, and of those twenty-three questions, thirteen have gone to Leann, who finished seventh, Ami, who finished sixth, and Julie, who finished fifth? The final four have been asked a total of seven questions, and the fifth/sixth/seventh-place finishers have been asked a total of thirteen. I hate it when Jeff reduces me to the kind of bean-counting that's usually reserved for people who make up Excel spreadsheets that show every tie Dean Cain ever wore on Lois and Clark. But this is just ridiculous, and it definitely makes me think that Jeff needed to disclose his personal relationship here, because this looks a hell of a lot like Help Julie And Her Friends Make Themselves Look Good. But anyway. Leann talks about how "empowered" she felt after having gone through this during a "transitional" time in her life. I would wonder what the transition was, but frankly, she could tell me that she was transitioning from female to male, and I still wouldn't give a crap.
Now, Jeff goes to Sarge to ask about his experience, and ask what he took away from it. Sarge says he has "a new outlook on civilians." Namely, that they don't take orders very well. Yeah, we're funny that way. "I learned that someone can say no," Sarge says. He also makes some weird-ass, dismissive comment about people who "have no idea about their future" and "live day-to-day," whose occupations are "reality game star." Okay, I call a foul on that one. You can't really look down on the famewhores when you are one. God. Sarge is one of those people whose entire view of himself and way of presenting himself on the show completely falls apart when you merely take into account the fact that...you know, he applied to be on Survivor. Jeff points out that Rory is pointing at John K. during this "pathetic reality people" speech, and Sarge says yes, John K. was broke at the beginning of the game, and admitted it. Anyway, Sarge claims that he learned that he needs to be more "diversified," because there are people in the world who are different from him. "Diversified"? That's awesome. Because it's a word, but not like that. He's saying "diversified" the same way you would say that you needed to get "funkified." Thank you for that, Sarge. Oh, and in two years, he'll be a civilian. I hate to bring down the mood, dude, but...don't count on it.
Jeff promises that after the break, we will talk to Chad. CHAD!
When we come back, we revisit the moment when Chad revealed his prosthetic leg to the guys. And then we look at Chad smiling, and...I'm not a fan of him bald. I think he would be cuter with hair. But still, cute. Jeff reminds Chad that when he was cast, they told him that he would have a rough go convincing the rest of his tribe that his leg wasn't a weakness for them to worry about. (They didn't realize that it would be the year in which the strong would be specifically eliminated first, of course.) And Jeff thinks that it seems like maybe he did a little bit too good a job with the convincing. Heh. Chad agrees. He says that he did want to demonstrate what he could do, but once it had become a total non-issue, he found that he sometimes wanted to bring it up again, "like, hey, this is kind of impressive." Hee. But of course, he didn't, because he's not an asshole, which is why he looks so confused and out of place on the stage. Jeff tells Chad that frankly, he's as "physically agile" as almost anyone who's ever played the game. And everyone claps, because (a) it's true; and (b) you have to. Jeff asks him whether the reasons he wanted to do the show were connected to his leg. "I've wanted to do Survivor for years," he says with a smile. "My wife wouldn't hear of it at one point when we had the kids" and then I don't hear the rest of it, because my soul is screaming, "WIFE? KIDS?" Because...is everyone married? Whatever. I'm going to cry. Anyway, he says that he knew that his leg would be a good hook (ew, not like that), and he also thought it would be a good way to show off just how awesome a guy with a WonderLeg 3000 can really be. And everyone claps, because (a) the WonderLeg 3000 is awesome; and (b) you still have to.
Jeff then asks Scout about how gimpy she was, especially late in the game, and she explains that when she got home, she learned that her artificial knee didn't fit, so she needed a new one. Oh, I hate when that happens. I had to do that with my career once. Scout goes on to say that she has a new knee now, and given her disadvantages, she thinks she did all right. She praises herself for "propping [her]self up" and so forth. Jeff also asks about the reaction in Scout's hometown, because she and Annie weren't entirely "out" before. And...I suspect it's one of those things where if you weren't deaf and blind and trying really hard not to know, you'd know. Because when the two old ladies live together on the ranch for years and years and years and hold hands at the movies, you can catch the snap, even if you're from middle America. Scout says, happily, that everybody has been really nice. Even a big muscle-bound dude they met at the gym. Hee. She thanks everyone for being so nice. Thus concludes the part of today's show, and indeed the part of my life, where I like Scout.
And now, it is time for the whirlwind tour of the Land of the Bottom-Feeders. Jeff talks to Brook about being the "most frustrated first-voted-out" because he's a huge fan of the show. Brook says that this is true. Looking a lot pudgier than he did on the show, Brook says that he really did want to play the whole thirty-nine days, and got screwed by "the Fat Five." So that's...apparently...Sarge, Bubba, Chris, Rory, and...Chad? Is Chad fat? Okay. But anyway, Brook loved his three days, and no one can take them away. And they can't take away his 20% discount on Survivor merchandise at the CBS store. Everybody's getting a buff for Christmas. And Brook would like the show to know that he'll be waiting if they ever want to invite him back. Because if there's one thing this season made people exclaim in unison, it's "More of that one guy who got voted off first, whatever his name was!" Jeff starts to talk to Dolly, but Bubba jumps in all, "We are not fat. Anymore." So there's that. Jeff praises him for having "kept the weight off." Way to keep your eye on the ball, Jeff. Bubba says that he thinks they're all winners, because they took home a greater appreciation of family and friends. So...you didn't appreciate them before? Until Survivor? I'm sure they're touched. But everyone claps, especially Ami, because Ami loves everyone. Ami is Mother Earth. Ami is the true meaning of Christmas.
Jeff's question is to Dolly. How are the sheep? (Seriously, this is basically what he asks her.) She says that she has thirty-eight "baby lambs" that will be heading "to the market" shortly. Mm, delicious euphemisms. Great with mint jelly. Everyone laughs and goes, "Woo!," because slaughter is hilarious, festive, and great for any occasion.
And how about John P.? How's he doing? Well, he did a "Surviving the Holiday" ad campaign with Home Depot. (Insert "tool" joke here.) He's also traveling and "working with kids," doing "motivational and leadership speaking." Because as we have often learned, nothing qualifies you for leadership speaking like being a reality-show contestant. ["Who finished...tied for sixteenth?" -- Wing Chun] He flashes his teeth like the motivational leader he is.
And now, Mia, who has a short, unkempt, white-blonde 'do that I think makes her look like one of the Golden Girls, but whatever. She says that "life has been great," and that she's bartending in Boston. And wooo, Red Sox! Yeah. I feel the sentiment, but...is that the best she could do? I love that they spoke to Twila for about six seconds, but they had time for Mia to burn ten reminding people who won the World Series. What is up with the universe?
Anyway. There's no time to linger with Mia, because we have to get on with breaking my heart, which is what happens when Brady says that upon his arrival home, he got married. Married! This is just not my night.
And how about Lisa and her six children? Well, she thanks God every day. For Survivor. Pfft. Jeff teases her that she didn't want to leave, and she admits that it's true. Lisa was trying to get away from her family, apparently, and was kind of ticked off when CBS sent her home.
And John K. says that he's modeling, but he's headed back to school. "It'll be great," he says with dead-eyed boredom.
Jeff asks Rory about the fact that his wife stopped him from burning down the camp when his time was drawing to a close. Rory responds that, actually, being interrupted in his plans for pyromania is actually his one regret about the way he played the game. Well, that's nice to hear. Jeff actually seems kind of pissed, too, at Rory's wife's having "talked [him] out of one of the greatest Survivor moments to never happen." I think Jeff would have liked it better if Rory had not only burned down the camp, but salted the earth and buried the bananas.
Now, Jeff says that tomorrow morning, Chris will get his big check and the keys to a Pontiac G6. And he will locate a lot of relatives he never knew he had.
And now, it is time to preview the season of this rapidly deteriorating franchise, which will start distressingly soon. The "sneak peek" reveals that this is "the most stunning location yet." Aren't you surprised that they feel that way? Where are we going, exactly? Palau. Surprisingly, Jeff claims that there are people who have called it "the eighth natural wonder of the world." It's an island. With jungles. And water. So it's totally nothing like the last three seasons in a row. And what will the theme be, comparable to Vanuatu's volcanoes and the pirates of the Pearl Islands? Well...war! Mm, tasteful. I can't wait to see the end-of-season March of Dead Survivors. But the least welcome news of all is that they are doing exactly the wrong thing and bringing twenty freaking people, up from eighteen in the last two, which was up from sixteen in every one until then. This just smacks of desperation to me, like they can't think of anything to do except keep making the whole thing literally bigger, which is not what it requires. Will Jeff be on stilts? Will the voting urn be a fifty-gallon drum? Will the voting parchments be poster-sized? At any rate, Jeff promises that it will all change.
Jeff closes the show by pimping the charity auction and the opportunity to apply. (But "don't call if you're going to quit." Because no time is the wrong time to bash Osten.) And then Jeff gives a cheap sap to the "loyal audience," because it's all for...us, I guess...and then he says, "Alli, your hair will grow back. Get well." I'm not even making a tacky joke about how he's probably not talking to me, but it's not like I couldn't.
Huh. Well, that season was a load of crap.