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Previously on Survivor: the entire season to date. I'm thinking most of these episodes would be more exciting condensed into this two-minute format. Between that and Miss Alli's excellent-as-always recap, I certainly don't feel like I've missed much.
Credits. So many competitors, so few volcanoes.
It's Day 4. Volcanic smoke photogenically obscures the sun as the men of the Lopevi tribe stand around staring at their fire pit, attempting to achieve combustion with their minds. Surprisingly, they are unsuccessful. Travis, a.k.a. Bubba, interviews that it was "freezing cold," and that he slept like a baby: "I woke up every three or four minutes and cried." At least he acknowledges that it's an old joke, which is more than I ever do. He goes on to say that they not only need the fire for heat; they need something to cook with. A woman? See, now that's an old joke. Sarge digs a worm out of a big nut and splits it with Chad, who is none too thrilled at the prospect, much less the creepy pizzicato violin bug-eating music playing in the background. Chris explains to us that they need something to boost morale. As if on cue, we see the men gathered around the fire pit, ready to make another assault on the forbidding edifice that is fire by friction. Travis and John P. manage to get a tiny mass of fibers smoldering. Things are looking pretty hopeful, as Sarge comes over to intone eerily, "Pay tribute...pay tribute...respect the island...respect the island...respect the island...it puts the fire into the basket...." except that last part. Chris blows gently onto the ember, trying to get it to catch. Which is when it starts raining. No fire for you! Travis interviews that if they don't get fire (and therefore water) soon, they're in for a tail-kicking.
Over at Yasur, the creepy diurnal bats crawl through the trees, secure in the knowledge that they're a good three days away from becoming a major food source. Twila and Mia hoist Lisa onto their shoulders up against a tree so that she can try to hack loose a bunch of plantains with her machete. Dolly fills the vital role of spotter. "Please don't drop the machete, dude," Mia begs when Lisa's grip almost falters. Man, how selfish do you have to be not to want a fourteen-inch blade embedded in your skull, anyway? Lisa finally manages to pull the plantains loose, and Dolly herds them off the jungle floor.
They head back to camp, satisfied that they've probably scored almost half as many calories as they just burned. Mia interviews that it's "about a thousand times harder than I thought this was gonna be" as their fire flares up satisfyingly. But then the rain hits their camp too, and steam billows up as Eliza complains about the uncomfortable beach and the uncomfortable water. I don't know. She compares it to prison, presumably because prisoners the world over must subsist on green plantains that taste like "burned mush." And also, prisoners live outside and get to go home whenever they want and vote each other out one by one and the person who stays in the longest gets a million dollars. So, yeah, it's just like prison. That Eliza's a smart one.
Cut to the steaming pot of plantain-and-coconut stir-fry, which nobody appears to enjoy very much. Especially when they discover that it's riddled with maggots. Okay, ew. Twila argues, "They can't be maggots, 'cause it's been boiled." She doesn't seem to be entirely clear on what boiling is able to accomplish. It may kill the maggots, but not physically remove them, as I have learned from bitter, bitter experience. Twila makes the leap directly from denial to acceptance and beyond, loudly celebrating their unexpected protein windfall. I will now attempt to transcribe her exact remarks as she chows down: "Yeah, eat 'em up, mmm, gosh, give it to me, mmm, ah-haaAUUGHH!" Dolly, however, gets quietly and unostentatiously weepy. She interviews that this latest setback is causing everything to sink in. "But I'm having fun, I'm not complaining at all," she clarifies tearily from under her "Life is Good" hat. "I'm so happy to be here. I'm just hungry and tired." Later, she gets comforting hugs from Ami and even Twila, the latter of whom tells us that she doesn't think the younger women were prepared: "If it comes down to eatin' maggots, I'm gonna eat maggots. To me, they were cooked. They're good. Protein. Eat' em. Shut up." Which Twila really didn't, but I'll allow it, because again, "Mmm, ah-haaAUUGHH!" Twila continues, "If they want to be pampered, they need to go back to the Holiday Inn." Ah, yes, the Holiday Inn. The height of pampered living.
At Lopevi, Travis and John P. take a walk in the woods. John P. asks whether his name came up before the last Tribal Council. Travis, after disingenuously asking, "This last one?" (no, Travis, the third one in the Outback), admits that it did. JP interviews that it's looking like himself, John K., and Agent Brady against the older crowd of Sarge, Chad, Rory, Travis, and Chris. Five against three, for those of you keeping score at home. "Those aren't good odds," JP tells us. Well, for the majority it is. Travis comes right out and tells JP that he's too big a threat. "It's your personality...your great looks...that's a threat." Damn, that didn't go where I thought it was going. Travis tells JP that he's going to base his decisions on his four children and wife back home. "So if I had kids," JP says, getting worked up right past Travis's point, "would that alter your decision? Is that what you're telling me?" JP, Travis isn't playing for all kids. He's playing for his kids. That's an important distinction. Now, maybe if you had Travis's kids, this would be a different conversation. And let me just say that if the producers want to up the stakes season, that's something that bears thinking about. JP's all offended, because he thinks everyone should be helping him win or something, and Travis spells it out: "There were seventeen threats when we started this game...only one person wins." JP looks like that never occurred to him before.
“ 'You gotta trust each other. If you lean back, he'll hold you.' And indeed, John K. does, but Travis dumps him in the drink. A little too much trust on one side and not enough holding on the other. Isn't that just always the way? ”
Sadly, before JP's head explodes, we cut to the reward challenge beach. A couple of long balance beams are set up above the water, just a few yards offshore. Jeff welcomes the Yasur tribe, noting helpfully that they're "nine strong." He points out the newly shrunken Lopevi tribe, and when the women ask who's gone, Jeff answers for the men that Brook was voted out at the first Tribal Council. The women ponder the significance of this, thinking, "Who's Brook?"
Both tribes line up in formation so that Jeff can explain the challenge. Each tribe member will have a number from one to eight painted on his or her arm, and then they'll line up on one of the balance beams in numerical order with his or her tribemates. Then number eight has to squeeze past each tribe member, one at a time, until he or she reaches the finish platform at the far end. Then number seven has to do the same, and so forth. Anyone who falls off into the water, or touches more than one teammate at a time, has to go back to the beginning and start over. The first tribe to get all eight on the finish platform wins. It looks fairly tricky, because that beam appears to be maybe twelve inches wide. And I can tell you that it is in fact tricky, because the challenge we're seeing tonight on this groundbreaking, culturally relevant reality show is nearly identical to one that I did as a team-building exercise with my co-workers back in 1994. Except we used a railroad tie in my boss's back yard and there were a lot fewer volcanoes around. Jeff unveils the reward and the women kvell; the winning tribe gets one hammock, two pillows, and three heavy blankets. And if Lopevi wins, they also get flint. Which seems to excite them a lot more than does the prospect of sharing one hammock. Scout sits out the challenge for Yasur. The tribes take position, and Jeff gives the order to begin.
On the Yasur beam, #8 Eliza and #7 Julie immediately grab onto each other to try and swap positions. It seems like the only way to do it, because it's not like there's room to step around each other. #8 Agent Brady and #7 John K. do the same, the latter looking distinctly uncomfortable. And then falling off. They have to start over. Eliza runs into trouble getting past #6 Lisa. As she loses her balance, she grabs for #5 Twila's hand, which is against the rules and doesn't help her anyway, because she falls in as well. Agent Brady's now full-contact-slithering past #6 John P., whose expression tells us that he's wondering how the hell he ended up on Oz. Eliza succeeds in passing Lisa, as Agent Brady's pec-cradling embrace with a tottering #5 Chad leaves the latter in a cold sweat, having just begun a waking nightmare behind his eyes from which he may never awaken. Eliza is past #2 Dolly. Agent Brady swaps with #4 Sarge, but Eliza's already moved past #1 Mia and is on the finish platform. Julie, Yasur's #7, gets started while Agent Brady is still passing Travis. I'd just like to say that if there isn't a character on Days of Our Lives named Agent Brady, why the hell isn't there? "Not sure Bubba likes this," Jeff comments, while Bubba makes a mental note to tell everyone later that he's never even seen Deliverance. Julie falls on her first attempt to pass Lisa, just as Agent Brady passes #1 Chris and steps onto the finish platform. We see Julie already past #3 Leann while #7 John K. and #6 John P., in Jeff's words, "hold that hug just a little too long." But not long enough for some viewers, I suspect. Not to worry; that's why God invented the pause button. Julie's all done by the time John K. gets to Sarge. Agent Brady coaches them from the finish platform: "You gotta trust each other. If you lean back, he'll hold you." And indeed, John K. does, but Travis dumps him in the drink. A little too much trust on one side and not enough holding on the other. Isn't that just always the way?
“ Jeff asks Eliza about workload distribution, and Eliza says something about everyone having 'on days and off days. Except for Twila.' Kind of a pity that the younger group's off days all seem to have fallen into the period where they just happen to be competing on Survivor. ”
Eliza interviews that she's torn between sticking with her alliance and voting for Leann, or turning on the person in her alliance whom she trusts the least. We then see her having a little facetime with that individual. Dolly whines to Eliza about the pressure she's getting from both sides, until Eliza extracts a promise that Dolly won't vote for her. Eliza's interview continues, as she debates the merits and dangers of trying to get the younger alliance to vote out Dolly. If only she had a third option.
Survivor After Dark. Yasur arrives for its first Tribal Council, and the nine-millionth replay of Jeff's spiel about torches and ritual and life and blah blah blah. The torches are lit and Jeff says, "Before we get to the vote, let's talk about today's challenge." Oh, yes, let's. I was wondering if anybody was ever going to bring that up. "Scout, did you feel anything as you saw the lead get further and further away?" Scout -- because she knows that factional intrigue takes precedence over some silly old challenge -- feels safe enough to come right out and say that she blew it. Big of her. Jeff asks Eliza about workload distribution, and Eliza says something about everyone having "on days and off days. Except for Twila." Kind of a pity that the younger group's off days all seem to have fallen into the period where they just happen to be competing on Survivor. Ah, well. What are you gonna do? "Was Twila the only one doing the work?" Jeff asks. Twila graciously says, "No, I had help. Leann, Scout, Ami, us four did a lot of work. But the rest of 'em worked hard in their areas as well." Mia, for instance, looks like she's been working her ass off practicing that bitchface she's making right now. Jeff asks Leann what her biggest challenge is, and she says it's the lack of sleep. Although it was better last night with the blankets. Jeff follows up by asking how it affects her, and she admits that she gets withdrawn in the mornings. Jeff warns her that "in a social game, withdrawing can work against you." "I'm very much aware of that," she says, and either she or the editors omit the word "prick" at the end. "I have a feeling I'm going home tonight." Jeff asks Dolly, who is wearing her "Life is Good" hat in the "locked" position, how she's getting along with everyone, and she yammers about how her popularity is becoming a problem for her while Eliza takes advantage of her position in the front row to make her very best "I know something you don't know" face. Dolly reiterates her status as the deciding voter at tonight's council. Yeah, she just hates being in this position. Jeff asks Eliza if she's worried, and she breezily claims that she is. "You just have to pray that people stick to their word," she concludes. Because it gives you an advantage when you don't, right, Eliza?. And it's time to vote.
Eliza votes first. We don't see for whom. Neither do we see Dolly's vote. Or Lisa's or Twila's. We do see that Julie is voting for "Leane," because "Dolly's pretty much running the show, but I do like her." Lisa's, Ami's, and Scout's votes are kept secret for now. Mia votes for "Leigh Ann": "You seem like a great girl, I just didn't have time to get to know you." Does Mia think she's on The Bachelor? Oh, there's another reason: "It's purely so the five young 'uns, as you call us, can stick together and get through this. Sorry." Jeff heads off to retrieve the votes. He rushes through his little spiel about the vote being final and the person chosen leaving immediately, because people who live on islands way more remote than Vanuatu know how this works by now.