Previously on Don't Count Your Chickens, Especially If You Entrust Them To A Total Fox: The weary tribes thought they were heading for a merge, but when they got to picking new buffs, it was only a reshuffle. Not much of a reshuffle, either, in that all that happened was that up was down and black was white and summer was winter and water went down the drain counterclockwise and all of Mogo Mogo was Chapera and all of Chapera was Mogo Mogo except for Amber. This put everyone's favorite floral bikini advocate in an obviously precarious position when FakeChapera blew the immunity challenge, as its apparently unchangeable destiny dictated it would. The crappy luck doesn't come with the name, folks -- it comes with the ineptitude. At least FakeChapera showed its versatility by demonstrating that it can lose at both intellectual and physical tasks. In an effort to save his best alliance and ward off sexual frustration, Rob muttered to Lex that if Lex took care of Amber, Rob would reciprocate. Lex shared this offer with his trustworthy compatriot Kathy, and they both decided that it would be a good idea to rely on Rob's word, as monkeys swung through the trees carrying signs that said, among other things, "WHO'S MORE EVOLVED NOW, GENIUSES?" The whole thing was sewn up when Amber offered Kathy a final five of Rob, Tom, Amber, Kathy, and Lex. Thus, a Shii-Ann-dumping Kathy and an all-business Lex decided to boot Jerri instead of Amber, despite the fact that Jerri appeared to be a fairly reliable ally for them, while Amber...well, didn't. Lex, for the second week in a row, showed his compassion and kindness by breaking it to the bootee ahead of time that departure was imminent. He has confidence, you see, that his friends can distinguish between the game, which is just business, and personal relationships. You might want to remember that Lex has taken that position. Because between you and Lex, one of you should remember it. In other news, Fauxgo Mogo wound up with the crappy camp, while the lazy-asses of FakeChapera got the great camp and the great stuff that Chapera worked so hard to accumulate. Detestable bastards.
Credits. Oh, look at all the fools who have already fallen by the wayside. And yet there are so many fools left.
FakeChapera. Day 25. Serene music taken from the CD Music To Do Yoga And Hate Your Enemies By sighs as we watch Kathy and Shii Ann walk on the beach. Back at camp, Lex splits the morning wood. (Splits morning wood, people. Splits. Bunch of dirty minds.) He interviews that booting Jerri the night was very difficult. He decided to throw her over and keep Amber "as a favor to Rob." Lex goes on to say, "When I need to cash in with Rob, I'm sure he'll deliver. He's good on his word." Yeah. And I don't want to give away exactly what Rob can be expected to deliver, but I would encourage Lex to consider using any spare clothing he has to pad his butt. Because you know what hurts? Kicking. Anyway, the Small But Ominous Shark of Portent swims along the bottom of the ocean. (I love animal metaphors, although they'll never beat this.)
Fauxgo Mogo. Where, you will recall, the fate of Amber is unknown. Based on Rob's general mood, I would say they believe her to have been eaten by fire ants. Rupert chomps on some rice, thinking about how if Amber didn't manage to save herself, it's only because she's a quitter. All those quitters, with their dying mothers and their sexual assaults and their quitting. Quitters! Jenna stares off somewhere unhappily. She voices over that they assume that Amber was probably booted, and thus the mood at camp is fairly somber. "Rob's really sad," she says. "That was not only a strong alliance, but they were, like, dating out here." You know, think less of me if you want, but I still weirdly like Jenna. She's such a dope, you know? She's the only person who would say that in quite that loopy, dweeby way. I mean, I'm not afraid to admit it -- I can always relate to whomever is the biggest geek. And here, it is totally Jenna.
And now, a word from Melancholy Beach, where Rob voices over on his own behalf that he certainly hopes Amber is still around. He's thinking maybe Lex came through, but he doesn't know. And then he slips on the rocks and almost racks himself, and that's always funny, of course. Because the only thing funnier than a guy who misses his pretend girlfriend is a guy who misses his pretend girlfriend and has a broken ankle and giant scabs on his knees. Big Tom takes over the explaining, in his unique Big Tom sort of way: "I've never seen Rob all screwed up like this," he says. "It's like when a calf is sucking its mommy's titty. When you wean that calf, it bawls, and it'll go crazy. It tries to go through fences, bushes and stuff...Rob's the same way. And it'll take about three days to get a calf weaned from its mother. A human's about the same." You may think you know how brilliant that was just from reading it, but you really need to see how much compassion Tom brings to it to fully appreciate it. He feels for Rob, just as he would for a similarly situated goat. Nothing's tougher than giving up the titty, apparently. I have to say, I'm surprised that Big Tom was allowed to say "titty" given how breastophobic broadcasters have become recently. I don't think they'd show a guy just saying "tits" about a woman, but you can say "titty" if it's a cow or a goat or whatever. I guess cow titties are less sexually arousing than woman titties. This is where a less dignified recapper would tell you that, disturbingly enough, there are people out there who think that simply means the FCC isn't meeting the right cows. Or, for that matter, the right women. At any rate, it's very mysterious, the calculus that takes place at your neighborhood regulatory agency.
Alicia and Rob sit around and talk about how weird the game is, and how hard it is to tell who your allies are going to be. He proposes to her a "side alliance." He interviews that he has a "mark" on him, and that if Amber is gone, he's going to be isolated. AH! See, this is one of the more insightful things that's been said, and it almost went right by. See, I think what has made the Rob/Amber alliance so powerful is that he has scheming, and she has likeability. If Rob had teamed up with any other woman -- any woman who wasn't sweet as candy, any woman who wasn't nice to everyone -- then obviously, resentment of their position of power and fear of their dominating behavior would have caused people to gang up on them a long time ago. He may do all the planning, but Amber has been absolutely key in protecting Rob from other people's vengeance, and he knows that if she's gone, his alliances with Jenna, Rupert, and Alicia are imperiled. Because what he's saying is pretty profound -- he's theoretically got an alliance of six if Amber is still in the game, but he's got nobody if she's gone. If nothing else, Rob and Amber have done a perfect job of using each other's strengths to compensate for their own weaknesses. Rob is a good schemer, but irritating; Amber is a sweetheart people naturally like, but no power-monger on her own. See? Brilliant. That's why it wouldn't bother me if either of them won. They're playing the hell out of this thing.
Anyway, back at Rob and Alicia's little talk, they promise each other, "I will never write your name down." Now that is how you make an alliance. I mean, he still doesn't mean it, but at least they agreed on terms, and I respect that. Part of Lex and Kathy's problem is that they didn't really get an agreement from Amber and Rob on terms. Obviously, Lex can't have believed that Rob would protect him at the expense of himself, or of Amber. So what does "take care of you" mean? Rob and Alicia, on the other hand, have at least made a specific deal. Rob also tells Amber that he has not promised anyone else that he would never write their name down. Of course, if he promised Amber final two...maybe he means "anyone who's left." Or maybe he's lying. Wow, look at me trying to explain it so he's not lying, even in the middle of an episode in which his propensity for remorseless lying is the chief plot. How do I not get my wallet stolen more often?
Challenge time. We swoop over a beach where, once again, platforms are floating in the water. Jeff calls in Fauxgo Mogo. He then calls for FakeChapera, and all Fauxgo Mogo eyes turn to watch for Amber. FakeChapera files in. Kathy...Shii Ann...Amber! Rob and Jenna, in particular, are very happy to see Amber. As FakeChapera approaches the mat, Rob throws Amber the little chin-jut smile, and she says "hey" back. So romantic! they'll be digging their toes in the sand and talking about what they did over vacation. ("But...eooew...those su-huh-mer...NAAAAA-HAAAAAHTS!") Rob finds it difficult to stop staring at Amber as Jeff starts to explain the challenge. Jeff says that although they're still two tribes, this reward is individual. It's a pretty simple challenge, in which all of them will dive for clay pots. There are two fewer pots than there are people, and whoever comes up without one is eliminated. They'll do that to cut from nine to seven, then seven to five, then five to three. Then the final three will dive and retrieve heavy crates off the bottom and drag them to shore. The first to get his crate (let's face it, it's not a very woman-friendly final round) to shore will be the big winner. The reward is a trip by helicopter to a resort where there will be food and a bed and all the other niceties that generally accompany boring luxury rewards. Moreover, you'll get to take two people with you, and you can select them from either tribe. Three people out of nine get to go? Good grief. They should really just have held this thing at a spa in Cancun. Give them all valets and get it over with. Bunch of spoiled Belly-dwellers.
The first elimination boots Shii Ann and Jenna when they surface without pots. Boy, there's a shocker. The second elimination boots Kathy and Amber, the latter of whom loses a pot in a pitched underwater battle with Big Tom. The final elimination gets rid of Big Tom and Alicia, leaving Rob, Rupert, and Lex to battle it out with the heavy crates. The most interesting thing about this, once it gets going, is that they're clearly struggling with their understanding of physics. They're not sure whether to try to get the crate up out of the water, or leave it under. And boy, am I not the person to explain that to you. And please, don't email me -- my head hurts enough as it is. Anyway, in the end, despite a valiant effort from Rob -- who you just know is dying to bring home this reward, and who contorts his face accordingly -- Rupert is just too big and burly to be overcome, and he's the winner. Jenna gives him huge congratulations, probably because she knows that there is dinner in her future. Oh, and Rob is really, really pissed. He doesn't like losing, and I think he especially doesn't like losing to Rupert when he was trying to impress his girlfriend. Rupert first selects Amber, because she had such a tough night being separated from the family. And then he picks Jenna, because they've spent all this time on the same tribe. So Rupert managed to take the two young pretty things on the reward with him. But I'm sure that had nothing to do with it. Nothing!
The helicopter approaches. Everyone waves to Amber, Jenna, and Rupert as they board. As they fly off, Rupert says that his "baby" will think he's "the toughest daddy in the world." Finally, he has admitted the thing that bugs me the most about him, which is that being The Toughest Daddy In The World is pretty much his driving ambition. I mean, isn't it? I've even heard myself say that, right? Yeah, I thought so.
The reward helicopter drops toward an island with a bunch of faux-thatch-roofed buildings on it. The reward riders ooh and ahh over the location. They set down, all the while yammering to each other about all the great stuff they're about to enjoy. Rupert sighs over being "in heaven with two goddesses." Yeah, I think Rupert's enjoying that aspect just a leeettle too much. Don't get skeevy on me, there, Tuff Daddy. They disembark from the helicopter, and it takes off again. They enter a very Gilligan's Island hut, complete with beds and robes and shoes and clothes to wear. Rupert interviews that he has never had a reward in his entire history on the show. I assume he's not counting, you know, the one a couple of weeks ago. Or this one. Or this one. Actually, I don't know what the hell he's talking about. Back in the hut, Jenna is very excited about some of the products that are being madly placed. "Oh, my God, Amber, they have deodorant!" she bubbles happily And indeed they do. And if you can build up about a two-inch layer, you never know how long it might last. In fact, there is a wide variety of Procter and Gamble products available for the rewardees' enjoyment. Electric toothbrushes, toothpaste, deodorant...and makeup! "We're going to get pretty for you tonight," Amber tells Rupert. ["If he made them the same promise, and followed through on it, I might start to like him a tiny bit. But alas, it is not to be." -- Wing Chun] Jenna interviews enthusiastically that they just got rid of all their dirty clothes and went directly for the long shower. Hey, Jenna, have some Pantene shampoo, of which there is a long and loving close-up! Amber's electric toothbrush, by the way, seems to make her maybe a little bit too happy. It kind of makes you think she's really missing her pretend boyfriend.
From the shower, Rupert calls out to the girls that he's not sure whether to do the deep moisturizing treatment before the conditioner or after. Hee. "I've never felt so girly," Jenna remarks. She shows Amber that they both get a red mascara tube (I have the same one) and a bunch of other makeup, all of which appears to be from the Cover Girl line. They also get AquaSmooth makeup. Which, actually, I also have, but that one I find a little pasty. We then see Jenna putting on what is clearly the clear coat on the top of Outlast lip color. (Get it? Outlast?) Which...yeah, I have that, too. Although not in that nasty pink color, bleh. But Outlast in general, I can honestly tell you, is the best thing ever. If you want to be able to drink coffee and have breakfast and talk and not have to touch up your lipstick ever, Outlast is the only way to go. I love that stuff. So Jenna made the right choice, although unless she has some Vaseline to take it off with, it's going to be on her lips for about five days. No, seriously. I have woken up hung over still wearing a nice intact application of Outlast on more occasions than I care to admit.
As Jenna and Amber get massages and facials and cucumbers on their eyes and stuff, they actually are holding hands. Yeesh. I understand friendship, but that's past girly. I think you can actually overload your soft-focus circuitry if you get a massage and a facial while holding someone's hand. How about some Oil of Olay products? Okay, those I don't have. Rupert gets a massage, and says through the hole in the massage table that he "could do the last fifteen days standing on [his] head," so refreshed is he by this reward. Which, you may recall, is his first one ever, unless you count all his other ones. I wouldn't mind seeing him complete the rest of the game standing on his head, though. I'm certainly tired of looking at his mug -- maybe the feet would bug me less.
The rewardees then attend dinner. Among other things, the women have clearly been given little dresses, while Rupert is wearing a shirt and a skirt. Okay. Rupert comments that Amber and Jenna were "dolled up" for dinner. And in Jenna's case, there's really nothing else you can say that works better than "dolled up," because yes, she went a tad overboard on the makeup. And by "a tad," I mean "quite a bit." I don't blame her, though -- she has been letting her skin-care regimen fall a little behind the curve over the last month. "I wanted to kiss and hug them all over," Rupert says. Boundaries, Rupert. Boundaries! Rupert interviews that he has absolute faith in his alliance with Jenna, Rob, Amber, and Big Tom, and that they'll be the five going to the end. "Five! Strong! Solid!" he yells, just like he's the new captain of the Rancho Carne Toros. "We have a five-way strong, no matter what happens," he says to Amber and Jenna at the table. Jenna agrees. Amber is very quiet. She interviews that, obviously, she wasn't able to tell Rupert and Jenna that, in order to stay, she had to promise Kathy and Lex final five with her, Rob, and Big Tom. Now you would think that Rupert and Jenna might perhaps come up with this, since obviously Lex and Kathy thought they were going to get something for their trouble, or they'd have voted off Amber. What do they think was promised in order to secure Amber's survival, anyway? Extra rice?
At Fauxgo Mogo on the morning of Day 26, Rob opens some treemail. He reads it aloud, rather hilariously showing off every nuance of his accent, but the actual poetry itself doesn't tell very much at all today. It's one of the most unenlightening pieces of crappy treemail they've ever produced. Rob and Big Tom can't figure out exactly what it means -- Rob declares that "it don't make sense" -- but they're headed to some kind of an event either way. In a line I totally didn't catch the first time I saw this, Big Tom greets Jeff at the beach for the challenge with "How's it goin', Jeff-ro Bodine?" HA! Jeff notes that the helicopter carrying the rewardees is now returning. It lands, and the product-infused rewardees return to their respective mats. Jeff comments that Amber has had her nails done. I know guys who wouldn't notice that after a week of observation if you waggled your fingers under their noses at every opportunity, so that's one point for the Probst. And, presumably, his attention to detail where vanity is concerned.
Jeff takes immunity back from Rob, and remarks that they're on the former Saboga beach, because "the game is about to change again." He tells them once again to drop their buffs. Time for new buffs, for the second week in a row. Jeff holds up the urn, and the first person to reach in for a new buff is Rob. And what color is the buff? Blue. Sort of a bright aqua blue, more specifically. Merge! Merge merge merge! Everyone hugs, because now everyone is everyone else's best friend. They all sort of dig the blue color as well. , Jeff breaks the news that they will not be returning to either of the camps. They will instead play the rest of the game right here on the old Saboga beach. Never one to miss out on a possible ironic dig, Jeff mentions that strong tides and storms pretty much wiped away the old Saboga shelter. So if they were counting on living in a big collapsing sand hole, they're just going to have to learn to live with disappointment. The poor ex-Chaperians -- first, they got kicked to Mogo Mogo's dumb camp, and now this. It's like they're knocking two stars off the accommodations every three days. , they will be assigned to live inside a vat of tar. Jeff does say, in the Saboga beach's defense, that some wood is still here, the Home Depot box is still here, and some of the Saboga stuff (the cooking pot, for instance) is still around if they rummage for it. Moreover, because nobody is really willing to put these prima donnas to much more of a test, they're being given a bunch of random goodies just because. They're getting two new Hawaiian slings and a tarp, most notably. Jeff then says that they need to get on with building a shelter for themselves, because "the day is already half over." He tells them to get going. There is more hugging. There is more music to accompany hugging.
Day 26, Camp of the Merged. Some of the womenfolk are working on a new tribe name. Amber suggests Sapera Mogo. Um, no. She then suggests Bogamopera. Um, also no. My favorite is actually Alicia's suggestion: Chaboga Mogo. This makes everyone sing and dance -- though it doesn't take much to make the ex-Chaperians dance -- so if I were in their position, I'd go with that one. Better to take the name that makes everyone dance than the one that makes everyone say, "Are we an allergy medication?" Lex interviews (with a baseball hat on sideways like a moron) that he's happy that they're merged, because now "the game is changed up." Yeah, I'll say. "Changed up" in the sense of screwing your sorry ass. He says that, for a "game player" like him, that's just big fun! He loves playing the game! He's a game player! If you freeze-frame Lex during this interview, by the way, with the facial expression and the hat and everything, you will lose any respect for him that you have ever had. I'm not kidding.
Lex and Rob take a walk. Rob interviews, quite hilariously, that Lex approached him right at the merge and asked him to "make [Lex] feel comfortable" by reassuring him that Lex was safe. What Rob tells Lex is "I will do everything I can." He also tells Lex, "You've got other friends in this game, too." Lex is just beginning to get the fact that he's utterly screwed, because Rob is not coming at him with the "of course you're safe" that he was expecting and hoping for. Rob interviews, laughing the entire time, that he could hardly believe that Lex truly thought he intended to switch alliances and help Lex if Lex helped Amber. "You guys didn't really believe that, did ya?" he asks rhetorically, with a devilish laugh. Lex attempts to threaten Rob vaguely by saying that if he gets any feeling that he's going to get screwed, then he'll...he'll...yeah, it's hard to say exactly what Lex and his mighty alliance of two are going to do about it, considering that Shii Ann will skitter over to the other side like a cockroach when you turn the lights on. Back in Rob's interview of big chuckles, he says that he's been playing the game from the beginning, and that everything in the game? Is a game.
Now, Rob and Amber sit on a rock and talk. He tells her how happy he was to see her emerge with the rest of them at the reward challenge. "When I saw you come out at that challenge, I was, like, so happy, when I seen [sic] you...man...I was so happy," he says. She smiles shyly. Then, it's time to talk business. "Listen," he says, "this is the way it has to go down. We need to get rid of Lex tomorrow." Amber comes back: "Why not Jenna or Rupert first?" Wow. So much for bonding over deodorant, huh? Amber says that she's still in the game because of Lex and Kathy, and Rob buries his head in his hands, wanting to give her a solid "ay yi yi." "Don't go soft on me," he says. "I know it sucks. I promised him the same thing." Amber says that it's not even the promise that's bothering her -- it's the fact that she and Rob are doing so much manipulating at this point that she thinks they risk attracting a lot of attention. Rob tells her that there's no threat, because "once Lex is gone, Big Tom doesn't have a leg to stand on." You can tell a lot from that statement -- first of all, that Rob, just as has always been suspected, is still a mighty sexist, I think, and really only fears action by the men. So his fear is a Lex-Big Tom alliance to challenge them, and that's why he wants Lex out now. He doesn't fear Kathy, Shii Ann, Jenna, and Alicia ganging up, even though it could easily happen. Rob assures Amber that Jenna and Rupert and Big Tom are plenty willing to screw Rob and Amber over if it comes to that. Amber interviews that she and Rob are really up against it, because they have entirely too many deals in play. At the end of this conversation, though, Rob says, "Yeah, I definitely missed you." And he wraps his arm around her, and she leans on his shoulder and smiles, and he smooches the top of her head. Kinda cute, in its way.
The moon. The day. Day 27 has arrived, and it's time for another immunity challenge. The first part of the challenge, Jeff explains, is traditional breath-holding -- the most riveting of all challenge formats. The men and the women will compete separately. The two men and the two women to hold their breath the longest will compete against each other in the final round, and the man who wins and the woman who wins will both win immunity. The final round involves diving repeatedly to untie a series of ten buoys. Interestingly, this challenge gave something of an advantage to men, who had a one in four shot at immunity, versus women, who had a one in five shot at immunity. Not 100% fair, really, but it is Survivor after all, and unlike some people who shall remain nameless who will be staging irrational freak-outs shortly, I don't expect it to be fair.
The contestants all go underwater for the breath-holding. The first person up is Alicia. Then Jenna. Then Shii Ann. That leaves Kathy and Amber for the final round. That didn't take long. person up is Rupert. Then Big Tom. Leaving Lex and Rob for the final round. Oooh, dramatic!
The first run of the buoy-untying challenge is between Kathy and Amber. It's a tie through about the first four buoys, after which Amber takes a slight lead, and is then passed by Kathy again. What I think is very difficult about this challenge is that holding your breath over and over again like this is apparently very draining, because Amber jumps out to an early lead, but then it's like she can't get her breath to go down again, and she just stalls. She basically bobs helplessly as Kathy keeps diving, and although I can't think of a reason Amber would have thrown the challenge, I have to admit it looks a little bit that way. I'd think, though, that if she were going to do that, it would have been less conspicuous to give up the breath-holding, though she may have been surprised at how fast the other women popped up and may have barely had time to throw in the towel. I mean, it's no harm to Amber not to get immunity, because she's pretty confident Lex is going, and it doesn't hurt her for Kathy to get it. Although you might think they'd worry that Kathy would give immunity to Lex. I suspect Amber just got really tired. There's a great moment when Kathy, who has swallowed a ton of water and air, lets out an enormous belch, and then Amber yells, "This challenge sucks!" Kathy, in the end, beats Amber out and wins immunity for herself.
Now it's time for Rob and Lex to go head-to-head. And this one, of course, matters enormously. They're tied at one buoy. Tied at two. Tied at three. Tied at four. Tied at five. Both guys surface, and Rob is a little slower to go back under, giving Lex a small lead. Lex manages to get his ninth buoy up before Rob gets his eighth, and it looks like Lex is going to take immunity, which would be quite a wrench to throw into the works at this point. ["Because there'd already been so much talk about how he was definitely going, I thought he'd win immunity for sure." -- Wing Chun] But when Lex goes back for the last one, he can't get it free before he has to come up again. They tie at nine buoys each, and they both go back under, but Rob gets his buoy free and Lex does not. Thus does Rob snatch immunity from under the nose of Lex, who is certainly taking quite the karmic smacking this week. They haul themselves up on the raft, and you can see that Lex knows that this is a problem. This was a challenge he wanted and needed to win, and he's just kinda figuring out how much he needed to win it. Kathy and Rob are both given their necklaces. There is much applause. Jeff recaps that two people have immunity, and everybody else is vulnerable. Lex looks miserable. Yeah. Ask not for whom the bell tolls, dummy.
We now learn that the tribe really is Chaboga Mogo, because that's the on-screen caption as we return to camp. Lex and Kathy sit down for a chat. Lex says that it's "very telling" that after they've spent a day together in a merged camp, Rob hasn't "lifted a finger" to make Lex and Kathy feel comfortable. Aw, boo hoo hoo. "I'm so discouraged by it," Kathy says unhappily. In an interview, Lex admits that he "made a huge mistake" and "a potentially game-ending blunder" by getting rid of Jerri instead of Amber. "I think I may be about to pay for it," he says. Oh, if only he had maintained this level of Zen. There is a summit of Lex, Kathy, and Rob off in the woods somewhere. Rob tells Kathy and Lex that he really appreciates what they did in saving Amber, but that he has an alliance with the former Chaperians, and he's sticking with it. "I can't even believe what I'm hearing," says a righteously indignant Lex. He cannot believe it. Lex comes back: "That was not a game or strategy decision. It was a brother coming to another brother saying, friend to friend...." Rob puts in this absolutely correct and brilliant piece of analysis: "If it wasn't a game or strategy decision, then you have nothing to be angry about." Did you hear that? That is right on target. If Lex did it out of friendship, then he wouldn't be expecting a payoff in voting. Rob knows damn well that it was a strategy decision, which you can tell by the way Lex and Kathy talked last week about how when it came time, they were confident Rob would deliver on the agreement. Had that not been the motivation, that conversation never would have happened. Say what you want about Rob -- merciless, sexist, obnoxious, and so forth -- but the kid is not dumb.
Lex angrily goes on to say to Rob that he had his game "all worked out" until that decision. Oh, really, Lex? You knew how you were going to go into the merge down 5-4 and somehow guarantee yourself safety? Come on. I know he thinks Big Tom would have flipped, but I'm not at all sure that's the case. You know, because it would take a while to wean Big Tom off of Rob's titty. At least three days. Rob knows that would have been Lex's plan, though, and he tells Lex so. Rob also points out that Lex is asking him to screw all the other people he's already made deals with in order to keep a deal with Lex. "You've got more allegiance to them than you've got to me," Lex says with disgust and anger, which is where I started to figure out that these guys are obviously friends off the show, which I didn't know until now. "It's about being betrayed by my friend," Lex says. If you don't see apparitions of Ethan and Jerri laughing hysterically, then you're a better person than I am. Or a blinder person than I am. ["This is where I started screaming at Lex, in the TV, about what an obnoxious hypocrite he was until I was told by the other living humans in the room who actually could hear me to shut up." -- Wing Chun] Rob points out, entirely correctly, that Lex is the one who's putting their friendship at risk, not Rob. Rob is playing the game, and if Lex wants to make that a test of the personal relationship, that's on him. And I could not agree more.
And then Kathy...oh, Kathy. Kathy cries and cries, telling Rob how they were always going to bring him to the end with them. Gee, thanks. Considering that they have no power. "[Lex] was proud to bring you to the final four!" Kathy blubbers. Here we go again, into Kathy's core of hypocrisy and weeping. "It's brutal!" she squeaks as she sniffles some more. "It is," Rob agrees simply. Kathy says to Lex, "I should have listened to you; no friends in this game." Well, yes, Kathy. Lex tells Rob, "You're breaking my heart." Yeah, Lex. My sentiments exactly. You're breaking my heart. "I'm sorry you feel that way," Rob says. "I really, truly am." And I think he really, truly is, as far as Lex taking it as a personal affront. It's so ridiculous, honestly, because Lex has already done this twice. His discussion with Ethan looks particularly hilarious in light of all this.
Kathy does an interview in which she says the following: "Despite the fact that Boston Rob's a really nice kid, there's something inside of him that came out in Marquesa [sic] that's still here." Yes. That would be...wanting to win. "And it's just...it's so sad," she says. My God. With the sadness and the "he's just sick in the head" and the tragedy of it all, that is one of the most ridiculous interviews in Survivor history. In case you've forgotten, not only did Kathy just get through trying to arrange for the screwing of Shii Ann, who is supposed to be her ally, but Kathy spent an entire day with original Chapera crowing about her ability to "swing" to them when it was in her interests to do so. Her efforts to cast Rob as some kind of lonely, miserable bastard do nothing but make her look ridiculous. Or...you know, whatever is more ridiculous than plain old "ridiculous." She and Lex sit around talking about how Rob "put a knife in [Lex's] back." Yes! Exactly! Outwit! Outplay! Outlast! Ethan! Colby! Jerri! Which part of this sequence did you not understand? Oh, right. The one where you take what you've been dishing out. Silly me. Kathy whines and cries that she doesn't want to stay, so she's giving her immunity to Lex. He hugs her, all, "Oh, no, don't do that, don't do that," and she interviews that she wants to give away her immunity so she doesn't have to "come back here cowering." Right. So once you get down, you stay down. Better to quit than to fight and lose. She'd better not let Rupert get wind of that. "If Lex got voted out tonight and Boston Rob got away with it?"she asks incredulously in an interview. "Uh-uh. I am not doin' that." Got away with what? I have news for you, lady -- Boston Rob is keeping an alliance with the rest of these people. They're not exactly going to be fired up about exacting vengeance on him. Everyone leaves for tribal council.
Chaboga Mogo files into the fire pit. Jeff welcomes them all. He points out that the stakes are a little bit different, because the first person voted off tonight will be the first member of the jury. Ultimately, as Jeff says, only two of them can make the final two, and the rest are going to wind up voting. He asks Rupert whether the game "rachet[ed] up" today. Rupert confirms that, indeed, "everything was tested." He doesn't really say what he's talking about, but then, he never does. "Today was a very hard day," he says somberly. As they all agree that tomorrow is another day, rain starts to fall, which makes Rob laugh. Me too. "You got two choices, Jeff -- laugh or cry," Rob says. Jeff asks Lex how the game has changed. Lex says that it's a huge change for the former FakeChapera. Jeff intuits (ever so brilliantly) that the game isn't so hot for the eight of them who will be going back, because there's a lot of division right now. Jenna agrees that the day brought a lot of arguing "centered around [sic] loyalties, alliances...tribal voting alliances...." She explains that game plans were made explicit, which "wasn't nice for anyone to hear." Jeff asks Amber if they'll be going back to "a camp divided." She agrees that it will most likely be "very uncomfortable." She doesn't add, "until we get rid of Kathy and Shii Ann." She calls it "a very important vote" as Lex looks around in despair.
Rob attempts to smooth things over with Lex by saying that he has something he wants to tell everyone. He says basically that he considers his friends his friends, and that the game has nothing to do with that. He acknowledges that even though it's a game, people's emotions are real, and that he hopes that friendships will survive the game, no matter how it goes. Jeff says, a little too gleefully, that he sort of wants to give them all a hug, because they all look terrible. Which is very true. Although I don't want to give all of them a hug. Only, uh, select ones.
Now it's time to find out if either of the immunity holders are giving it up. Rob? Hell, no. Kathy? She sits there and looks pensive for a moment. She finally says she's keeping it, and we get a shot of Lex looking pissed, but it's hard to say whether that's really from that moment, because he seemed to be encouraging her before not to give it up, and he seemed to know he was going a minute ago. ["From what I heard of Lex's Early Show interview, that was clever editing, and he never actually expected Kathy to give him her immunity." -- Wing Chun] Time for voting. Big Tom votes. Amber votes. Lex votes for Amber. "I'd much rather be casting this vote for your little errand boy," he spits, "but you're just gonna have to do." My goodness, what a fuckin' asshole he turned into in this episode. That's a bad way to go out, for a guy who was surprisingly appealing for a good part of his run. Jenna votes. Rob votes for Lex: "Hey, buddy. Sorry about the vote. Thanks for keeping Amber around. I hope we can get over this, man." Rupert votes. Shii Ann votes. Alicia votes. Kathy votes for Amber. "Amber," she says, "you didn't have to tell me that Boston Rob and you were going to bring us to the final six. I just don't like getting lied to that big." Okay, several problems. Of course she had to. That's the only reason Kathy went along with keeping her. Furthermore, Kathy had to know that Amber hadn't had a chance to talk to Rob since the challenge, so anything Amber said about what Rob would do for Kathy couldn't really be considered binding on Rob, who hadn't agreed to anything with regard to anybody but Lex. In other words, Rob only committed to Lex. Only Amber ever committed to Kathy, and Kathy should have known that Rob might not go along with that anyway.
Jeff goes off to tally, and soon returns, as the castaways shiver miserably in the rain. Rob's teeth literally chatter. First vote is for Amber. Second one, too. But then it's Lex, Lex, Lex, Lex, Lex, and that'll do it. Adios, tattoo man. Go take a big swig of Get Over Yourself, and I'll catch you on the flip side. Lex hugs and kisses Kathy, who is crying again some more. Snuff! Goodbye, you big big freak. Jeff sends them on their way.
In his exit interview, Lex is obviously disappointed, but he blathers about his wonderful family and how lucky he is. He says he's rooting for Big Tom. Who voted him out, of course. Incidentally, Shii Ann did, too, so she apparently thinks she's doing some kind of swing maneuver, which...yeah. Not.
week: Kathy tries to muster up a vote against Jenna, who smells a switch where she and Rupert may be replaced in the alliance by Kathy and Shii Ann. There is video from home. And Rob, I can already tell, is going to make me laugh some more. Oh, sue me.