Anger, Tears, And Chaos

Previously on Don't Count Your Chickens, Especially If You Entrust Them To A Total Fox: The weary tribes thought they were heading for a merge, but when they got to picking new buffs, it was only a reshuffle. Not much of a reshuffle, either, in that all that happened was that up was down and black was white and summer was winter and water went down the drain counterclockwise and all of Mogo Mogo was Chapera and all of Chapera was Mogo Mogo except for Amber. This put everyone's favorite floral bikini advocate in an obviously precarious position when FakeChapera blew the immunity challenge, as its apparently unchangeable destiny dictated it would. The crappy luck doesn't come with the name, folks -- it comes with the ineptitude. At least FakeChapera showed its versatility by demonstrating that it can lose at both intellectual and physical tasks. In an effort to save his best alliance and ward off sexual frustration, Rob muttered to Lex that if Lex took care of Amber, Rob would reciprocate. Lex shared this offer with his trustworthy compatriot Kathy, and they both decided that it would be a good idea to rely on Rob's word, as monkeys swung through the trees carrying signs that said, among other things, "WHO'S MORE EVOLVED NOW, GENIUSES?" The whole thing was sewn up when Amber offered Kathy a final five of Rob, Tom, Amber, Kathy, and Lex. Thus, a Shii-Ann-dumping Kathy and an all-business Lex decided to boot Jerri instead of Amber, despite the fact that Jerri appeared to be a fairly reliable ally for them, while Amber...well, didn't. Lex, for the second week in a row, showed his compassion and kindness by breaking it to the bootee ahead of time that departure was imminent. He has confidence, you see, that his friends can distinguish between the game, which is just business, and personal relationships. You might want to remember that Lex has taken that position. Because between you and Lex, one of you should remember it. In other news, Fauxgo Mogo wound up with the crappy camp, while the lazy-asses of FakeChapera got the great camp and the great stuff that Chapera worked so hard to accumulate. Detestable bastards.

Credits. Oh, look at all the fools who have already fallen by the wayside. And yet there are so many fools left.

FakeChapera. Day 25. Serene music taken from the CD Music To Do Yoga And Hate Your Enemies By sighs as we watch Kathy and Shii Ann walk on the beach. Back at camp, Lex splits the morning wood. (Splits morning wood, people. Splits. Bunch of dirty minds.) He interviews that booting Jerri the night was very difficult. He decided to throw her over and keep Amber "as a favor to Rob." Lex goes on to say, "When I need to cash in with Rob, I'm sure he'll deliver. He's good on his word." Yeah. And I don't want to give away exactly what Rob can be expected to deliver, but I would encourage Lex to consider using any spare clothing he has to pad his butt. Because you know what hurts? Kicking. Anyway, the Small But Ominous Shark of Portent swims along the bottom of the ocean. (I love animal metaphors, although they'll never beat this.)

Fauxgo Mogo. Where, you will recall, the fate of Amber is unknown. Based on Rob's general mood, I would say they believe her to have been eaten by fire ants. Rupert chomps on some rice, thinking about how if Amber didn't manage to save herself, it's only because she's a quitter. All those quitters, with their dying mothers and their sexual assaults and their quitting. Quitters! Jenna stares off somewhere unhappily. She voices over that they assume that Amber was probably booted, and thus the mood at camp is fairly somber. "Rob's really sad," she says. "That was not only a strong alliance, but they were, like, dating out here." You know, think less of me if you want, but I still weirdly like Jenna. She's such a dope, you know? She's the only person who would say that in quite that loopy, dweeby way. I mean, I'm not afraid to admit it -- I can always relate to whomever is the biggest geek. And here, it is totally Jenna.

And now, a word from Melancholy Beach, where Rob voices over on his own behalf that he certainly hopes Amber is still around. He's thinking maybe Lex came through, but he doesn't know. And then he slips on the rocks and almost racks himself, and that's always funny, of course. Because the only thing funnier than a guy who misses his pretend girlfriend is a guy who misses his pretend girlfriend and has a broken ankle and giant scabs on his knees. Big Tom takes over the explaining, in his unique Big Tom sort of way: "I've never seen Rob all screwed up like this," he says. "It's like when a calf is sucking its mommy's titty. When you wean that calf, it bawls, and it'll go crazy. It tries to go through fences, bushes and stuff...Rob's the same way. And it'll take about three days to get a calf weaned from its mother. A human's about the same." You may think you know how brilliant that was just from reading it, but you really need to see how much compassion Tom brings to it to fully appreciate it. He feels for Rob, just as he would for a similarly situated goat. Nothing's tougher than giving up the titty, apparently. I have to say, I'm surprised that Big Tom was allowed to say "titty" given how breastophobic broadcasters have become recently. I don't think they'd show a guy just saying "tits" about a woman, but you can say "titty" if it's a cow or a goat or whatever. I guess cow titties are less sexually arousing than woman titties. This is where a less dignified recapper would tell you that, disturbingly enough, there are people out there who think that simply means the FCC isn't meeting the right cows. Or, for that matter, the right women. At any rate, it's very mysterious, the calculus that takes place at your neighborhood regulatory agency.

Alicia and Rob sit around and talk about how weird the game is, and how hard it is to tell who your allies are going to be. He proposes to her a "side alliance." He interviews that he has a "mark" on him, and that if Amber is gone, he's going to be isolated. AH! See, this is one of the more insightful things that's been said, and it almost went right by. See, I think what has made the Rob/Amber alliance so powerful is that he has scheming, and she has likeability. If Rob had teamed up with any other woman -- any woman who wasn't sweet as candy, any woman who wasn't nice to everyone -- then obviously, resentment of their position of power and fear of their dominating behavior would have caused people to gang up on them a long time ago. He may do all the planning, but Amber has been absolutely key in protecting Rob from other people's vengeance, and he knows that if she's gone, his alliances with Jenna, Rupert, and Alicia are imperiled. Because what he's saying is pretty profound -- he's theoretically got an alliance of six if Amber is still in the game, but he's got nobody if she's gone. If nothing else, Rob and Amber have done a perfect job of using each other's strengths to compensate for their own weaknesses. Rob is a good schemer, but irritating; Amber is a sweetheart people naturally like, but no power-monger on her own. See? Brilliant. That's why it wouldn't bother me if either of them won. They're playing the hell out of this thing.

Anyway, back at Rob and Alicia's little talk, they promise each other, "I will never write your name down." Now that is how you make an alliance. I mean, he still doesn't mean it, but at least they agreed on terms, and I respect that. Part of Lex and Kathy's problem is that they didn't really get an agreement from Amber and Rob on terms. Obviously, Lex can't have believed that Rob would protect him at the expense of himself, or of Amber. So what does "take care of you" mean? Rob and Alicia, on the other hand, have at least made a specific deal. Rob also tells Amber that he has not promised anyone else that he would never write their name down. Of course, if he promised Amber final two...maybe he means "anyone who's left." Or maybe he's lying. Wow, look at me trying to explain it so he's not lying, even in the middle of an episode in which his propensity for remorseless lying is the chief plot. How do I not get my wallet stolen more often?

Challenge time. We swoop over a beach where, once again, platforms are floating in the water. Jeff calls in Fauxgo Mogo. He then calls for FakeChapera, and all Fauxgo Mogo eyes turn to watch for Amber. FakeChapera files in. Kathy...Shii Ann...Amber! Rob and Jenna, in particular, are very happy to see Amber. As FakeChapera approaches the mat, Rob throws Amber the little chin-jut smile, and she says "hey" back. So romantic! they'll be digging their toes in the sand and talking about what they did over vacation. ("But...eooew...those su-huh-mer...NAAAAA-HAAAAAHTS!") Rob finds it difficult to stop staring at Amber as Jeff starts to explain the challenge. Jeff says that although they're still two tribes, this reward is individual. It's a pretty simple challenge, in which all of them will dive for clay pots. There are two fewer pots than there are people, and whoever comes up without one is eliminated. They'll do that to cut from nine to seven, then seven to five, then five to three. Then the final three will dive and retrieve heavy crates off the bottom and drag them to shore. The first to get his crate (let's face it, it's not a very woman-friendly final round) to shore will be the big winner. The reward is a trip by helicopter to a resort where there will be food and a bed and all the other niceties that generally accompany boring luxury rewards. Moreover, you'll get to take two people with you, and you can select them from either tribe. Three people out of nine get to go? Good grief. They should really just have held this thing at a spa in Cancun. Give them all valets and get it over with. Bunch of spoiled Belly-dwellers.

The first elimination boots Shii Ann and Jenna when they surface without pots. Boy, there's a shocker. The second elimination boots Kathy and Amber, the latter of whom loses a pot in a pitched underwater battle with Big Tom. The final elimination gets rid of Big Tom and Alicia, leaving Rob, Rupert, and Lex to battle it out with the heavy crates. The most interesting thing about this, once it gets going, is that they're clearly struggling with their understanding of physics. They're not sure whether to try to get the crate up out of the water, or leave it under. And boy, am I not the person to explain that to you. And please, don't email me -- my head hurts enough as it is. Anyway, in the end, despite a valiant effort from Rob -- who you just know is dying to bring home this reward, and who contorts his face accordingly -- Rupert is just too big and burly to be overcome, and he's the winner. Jenna gives him huge congratulations, probably because she knows that there is dinner in her future. Oh, and Rob is really, really pissed. He doesn't like losing, and I think he especially doesn't like losing to Rupert when he was trying to impress his girlfriend. Rupert first selects Amber, because she had such a tough night being separated from the family. And then he picks Jenna, because they've spent all this time on the same tribe. So Rupert managed to take the two young pretty things on the reward with him. But I'm sure that had nothing to do with it. Nothing!

The helicopter approaches. Everyone waves to Amber, Jenna, and Rupert as they board. As they fly off, Rupert says that his "baby" will think he's "the toughest daddy in the world." Finally, he has admitted the thing that bugs me the most about him, which is that being The Toughest Daddy In The World is pretty much his driving ambition. I mean, isn't it? I've even heard myself say that, right? Yeah, I thought so.

The reward helicopter drops toward an island with a bunch of faux-thatch-roofed buildings on it. The reward riders ooh and ahh over the location. They set down, all the while yammering to each other about all the great stuff they're about to enjoy. Rupert sighs over being "in heaven with two goddesses." Yeah, I think Rupert's enjoying that aspect just a leeettle too much. Don't get skeevy on me, there, Tuff Daddy. They disembark from the helicopter, and it takes off again. They enter a very Gilligan's Island hut, complete with beds and robes and shoes and clothes to wear. Rupert interviews that he has never had a reward in his entire history on the show. I assume he's not counting, you know, the one a couple of weeks ago. Or this one. Or this one. Actually, I don't know what the hell he's talking about. Back in the hut, Jenna is very excited about some of the products that are being madly placed. "Oh, my God, Amber, they have deodorant!" she bubbles happily And indeed they do. And if you can build up about a two-inch layer, you never know how long it might last. In fact, there is a wide variety of Procter and Gamble products available for the rewardees' enjoyment. Electric toothbrushes, toothpaste, deodorant...and makeup! "We're going to get pretty for you tonight," Amber tells Rupert. ["If he made them the same promise, and followed through on it, I might start to like him a tiny bit. But alas, it is not to be." -- Wing Chun] Jenna interviews enthusiastically that they just got rid of all their dirty clothes and went directly for the long shower. Hey, Jenna, have some Pantene shampoo, of which there is a long and loving close-up! Amber's electric toothbrush, by the way, seems to make her maybe a little bit too happy. It kind of makes you think she's really missing her pretend boyfriend.

From the shower, Rupert calls out to the girls that he's not sure whether to do the deep moisturizing treatment before the conditioner or after. Hee. "I've never felt so girly," Jenna remarks. She shows Amber that they both get a red mascara tube (I have the same one) and a bunch of other makeup, all of which appears to be from the Cover Girl line. They also get AquaSmooth makeup. Which, actually, I also have, but that one I find a little pasty. We then see Jenna putting on what is clearly the clear coat on the top of Outlast lip color. (Get it? Outlast?) Which...yeah, I have that, too. Although not in that nasty pink color, bleh. But Outlast in general, I can honestly tell you, is the best thing ever. If you want to be able to drink coffee and have breakfast and talk and not have to touch up your lipstick ever, Outlast is the only way to go. I love that stuff. So Jenna made the right choice, although unless she has some Vaseline to take it off with, it's going to be on her lips for about five days. No, seriously. I have woken up hung over still wearing a nice intact application of Outlast on more occasions than I care to admit.

As Jenna and Amber get massages and facials and cucumbers on their eyes and stuff, they actually are holding hands. Yeesh. I understand friendship, but that's past girly. I think you can actually overload your soft-focus circuitry if you get a massage and a facial while holding someone's hand. How about some Oil of Olay products? Okay, those I don't have. Rupert gets a massage, and says through the hole in the massage table that he "could do the last fifteen days standing on [his] head," so refreshed is he by this reward. Which, you may recall, is his first one ever, unless you count all his other ones. I wouldn't mind seeing him complete the rest of the game standing on his head, though. I'm certainly tired of looking at his mug -- maybe the feet would bug me less.

The rewardees then attend dinner. Among other things, the women have clearly been given little dresses, while Rupert is wearing a shirt and a skirt. Okay. Rupert comments that Amber and Jenna were "dolled up" for dinner. And in Jenna's case, there's really nothing else you can say that works better than "dolled up," because yes, she went a tad overboard on the makeup. And by "a tad," I mean "quite a bit." I don't blame her, though -- she has been letting her skin-care regimen fall a little behind the curve over the last month. "I wanted to kiss and hug them all over," Rupert says. Boundaries, Rupert. Boundaries! Rupert interviews that he has absolute faith in his alliance with Jenna, Rob, Amber, and Big Tom, and that they'll be the five going to the end. "Five! Strong! Solid!" he yells, just like he's the new captain of the Rancho Carne Toros. "We have a five-way strong, no matter what happens," he says to Amber and Jenna at the table. Jenna agrees. Amber is very quiet. She interviews that, obviously, she wasn't able to tell Rupert and Jenna that, in order to stay, she had to promise Kathy and Lex final five with her, Rob, and Big Tom. Now you would think that Rupert and Jenna might perhaps come up with this, since obviously Lex and Kathy thought they were going to get something for their trouble, or they'd have voted off Amber. What do they think was promised in order to secure Amber's survival, anyway? Extra rice?

At Fauxgo Mogo on the morning of Day 26, Rob opens some treemail. He reads it aloud, rather hilariously showing off every nuance of his accent, but the actual poetry itself doesn't tell very much at all today. It's one of the most unenlightening pieces of crappy treemail they've ever produced. Rob and Big Tom can't figure out exactly what it means -- Rob declares that "it don't make sense" -- but they're headed to some kind of an event either way. In a line I totally didn't catch the first time I saw this, Big Tom greets Jeff at the beach for the challenge with "How's it goin', Jeff-ro Bodine?" HA! Jeff notes that the helicopter carrying the rewardees is now returning. It lands, and the product-infused rewardees return to their respective mats. Jeff comments that Amber has had her nails done. I know guys who wouldn't notice that after a week of observation if you waggled your fingers under their noses at every opportunity, so that's one point for the Probst. And, presumably, his attention to detail where vanity is concerned.

Jeff takes immunity back from Rob, and remarks that they're on the former Saboga beach, because "the game is about to change again." He tells them once again to drop their buffs. Time for new buffs, for the second week in a row. Jeff holds up the urn, and the first person to reach in for a new buff is Rob. And what color is the buff? Blue. Sort of a bright aqua blue, more specifically. Merge! Merge merge merge! Everyone hugs, because now everyone is everyone else's best friend. They all sort of dig the blue color as well. , Jeff breaks the news that they will not be returning to either of the camps. They will instead play the rest of the game right here on the old Saboga beach. Never one to miss out on a possible ironic dig, Jeff mentions that strong tides and storms pretty much wiped away the old Saboga shelter. So if they were counting on living in a big collapsing sand hole, they're just going to have to learn to live with disappointment. The poor ex-Chaperians -- first, they got kicked to Mogo Mogo's dumb camp, and now this. It's like they're knocking two stars off the accommodations every three days. , they will be assigned to live inside a vat of tar. Jeff does say, in the Saboga beach's defense, that some wood is still here, the Home Depot box is still here, and some of the Saboga stuff (the cooking pot, for instance) is still around if they rummage for it. Moreover, because nobody is really willing to put these prima donnas to much more of a test, they're being given a bunch of random goodies just because. They're getting two new Hawaiian slings and a tarp, most notably. Jeff then says that they need to get on with building a shelter for themselves, because "the day is already half over." He tells them to get going. There is more hugging. There is more music to accompany hugging.

Day 26, Camp of the Merged. Some of the womenfolk are working on a new tribe name. Amber suggests Sapera Mogo. Um, no. She then suggests Bogamopera. Um, also no. My favorite is actually Alicia's suggestion: Chaboga Mogo. This makes everyone sing and dance -- though it doesn't take much to make the ex-Chaperians dance -- so if I were in their position, I'd go with that one. Better to take the name that makes everyone dance than the one that makes everyone say, "Are we an allergy medication?" Lex interviews (with a baseball hat on sideways like a moron) that he's happy that they're merged, because now "the game is changed up." Yeah, I'll say. "Changed up" in the sense of screwing your sorry ass. He says that, for a "game player" like him, that's just big fun! He loves playing the game! He's a game player! If you freeze-frame Lex during this interview, by the way, with the facial expression and the hat and everything, you will lose any respect for him that you have ever had. I'm not kidding.

Lex and Rob take a walk. Rob interviews, quite hilariously, that Lex approached him right at the merge and asked him to "make [Lex] feel comfortable" by reassuring him that Lex was safe. What Rob tells Lex is "I will do everything I can." He also tells Lex, "You've got other friends in this game, too." Lex is just beginning to get the fact that he's utterly screwed, because Rob is not coming at him with the "of course you're safe" that he was expecting and hoping for. Rob interviews, laughing the entire time, that he could hardly believe that Lex truly thought he intended to switch alliances and help Lex if Lex helped Amber. "You guys didn't really believe that, did ya?" he asks rhetorically, with a devilish laugh. Lex attempts to threaten Rob vaguely by saying that if he gets any feeling that he's going to get screwed, then he'll...he'll...yeah, it's hard to say exactly what Lex and his mighty alliance of two are going to do about it, considering that Shii Ann will skitter over to the other side like a cockroach when you turn the lights on. Back in Rob's interview of big chuckles, he says that he's been playing the game from the beginning, and that everything in the game? Is a game.