Mad Scramble And Broken Hearts

Previously on One Fish, Two Fish, I Fish, You Fish: In the wake of Colby's departure, Ethan looked around for his allies and noticed that their number was lagging somewhere around zero. Jerri, on the other hand, was doing that Daffy Duck thing, bouncing around on her head and her feet going, "Woo-hoo-hoo!" Chapera managed to take a log-rolling reward challenge that allowed them to loot Mogo Mogo, ending up with the much-discussed fishing spear, among other things. This led to a dick-measuring contest of the first degree between Rupert -- who bases his entire self-image on his ability to fish -- and Rob -- who bases his entire self-image on his ability to show other people up. A match made in heaven, dick-measuring-contest-wise. In news of romantic destiny and legally questionable voyeurism, Rob and Amber took seriously the cry of "just kiss, already" that they were certain would be emanating from the family rooms of America by now, and they, according to Jeff, "finally connected." Does kissing need a euphemism? I'm just wondering. That darn FCC is getting really strict. Jerri volunteered for archery at the immunity challenge, and although Rob couldn't hit the broad side of a barn, Jerri couldn't hit the barn, the house, or the pickup in the driveway with the gun rack on the back, so Mogo Mogo was headed for tribal council yet again. Lex -- who has learned nothing since Africa about strategic trap-shutting -- decided that not only would he have Ethan removed, but he would inform Ethan ahead of time. Ethan went to Kathy and tried to get her to consider booting Lex or Jerri, but in the end, Kathy and Shii Ann went along with Lex and Jerri, sending Ethan home to party with the rest of the weasels. Who will be voted out tonight?

Credits. Okay, what's with the tooth dripping blood between Rob C. and Alicia? Creepy. I never noticed that before. That looks like a very unfortunate day at the alligator dentist. (I think I just came up with the idea for my upcoming children's book.)

Chapera, the morning of Day 22. Rob and Amber are asleep under a blanket as we hear the sound of wood being sawed. Outside, Big Tom and Rupert are working on felling a tree. Finally, it goes down. "Timber!" Rupert yells, despite the people sleeping ten feet away. Rob stirs at this, and lifts his head long enough to peek out. Unmoved, he goes back to sleep. Heh. Rupert voices over that he and Big Tom are the ones around the camp who are the "worker bees." He complains that he doesn't like people who "lay [sic] their ass [sic] around in the shelter and let [him] do all the work," and it's just precious that he can actually slam the work ethic of people who already had built themselves a luxury condo before he ever got there, while his camp was barely good enough to serve as the annex to a medieval prison. I mean, honestly. Rupert's tribe barely lived through his efforts at being Big Daddy. He should probably close his great big yap. He regretfully says that he can't exactly go in and tell everybody to get out of bed. I sort of wish he had, because I would enjoy seeing the imprint of Rob's medallion on Rupert's forehead. I will admit that, of all the really satisfying things that have happened in my reality-show recapping career, the decline and fall of Rupert as Big Lovable Teddy Bear Guy and his emergence as Giant Egotistical Jackass has been one of the most pleasurable, not that I'm the kind of person who would ever say, "I told you so." (But I did.)

There's an awesome shot of an iguana (I think) hustling up the beach like he's already five minutes late for band practice, and then we accompany Rupert and Big Tom as they go fishing. Rupert complains to Tom that he hopes the merge will come soon and that the Mogo Mogo people won't be so lazy. Big Tom interviews that, indeed, he and Rupert go fishing most mornings while the rest of the tribe is still asleep. You'll notice that he doesn't say everybody else is lazy; he just says they sleep later. It always bugs me when sleeping is equated with laziness, because...I mean, if you're asleep, you're asleep, you know? They're not sleeping to spite Rupert, not that he would get the difference. Rupert goes into the water with the spear as Big Tom says (I think) that Rupert the "biggest damn hog" with it. We watch Rupert the Big Damn Hog catch some fish as Big Tom interviews that he hasn't had a chance yet to catch a fish, and that he's not leaving today until Rupert gives him a chance with the spear. Sure enough, when Rupert returns, Big Tom says he's going in the water. Rupert gently condescends to him about going in the water with his shoes on, but when Big Tom says that, indeed, that's what he's going to do, Rupert lets him go, probably confident that Tom will drown and need Rupert to rescue him. And that will be awesome! Then they'll understand for sure how much they need Rupert!

Big Tom makes his way down to the water, and he gets in. Before long, he snags a smallish fish and brings it back to shore, to the tune of a twangy Tom-associated theme I suspect is called something like, "I May Sound Dumb, But I Ain't." "Very good, Big Tom," Rupert growls patronizingly. In an interview, Rupert holds up Big Tom's fish and calls it "not a bad fish for his first fish ever," but goes on to denigrate it as "a fish-tank fish." And then he laughs that Big Tom was "thrilled." I've seen Rupert bring home little fish like that a zillion times, so I don't know what he's crowing about, but...I never do, I guess.

Mogo Mogo, Day 22. Kathy is working outside, as Jerri gets up from another uncomfortable night of trying to sleep. Jerri interviews that the weather where they are is constantly wet, so all their stuff is eternally damp. Kathy tries to build a fire, but has a very hard time as a result of how wet everything is. She interviews that the conditions are really difficult right now, and that the fact that her team keeps losing makes it worse. And yes, she's on the verge of breaking into a fit of snurfling again. Way to contain your emotions there, Spock.

Shii Ann goes and fetches some treemail. It tells them that they might "make some friends" today, and immediately, Mogo Mogo senses a merge. Furthermore, the treemail came with a small can of green, tribe-colored paint that Jerri says they "don't know what to do with yet." So they do nothing. Kathy smirks to the camera that "if [she] was a betting woman," she'd say that it's a merge. Put money on it, Kathy! Do it! Lex interviews that he just doesn't have any idea what the green paint is for, which tends to suggest to me that he hasn't watched the show enough ["or didn't pay enough attention when his tattooed as was rocking Burning Man or whatever the hell postmodern feral hippies do" -- Wing Chun], and then he says that because they don't know what to do with it, they've decided just to bring it with them. Weenies. I also love the fact that Lex inquisitively smells the paint. Mmm, non-toxic.

Over at Chapera, there is no such hesitation. They have decided to dive directly into the paint and paint each other all over. Jenna talks about how they did "fun stuff" like bulls on the guys' chests and little dots on the girls' faces...yeah. Lots of fun. Tom describes the mutual painting in some way ending with "pokey-pokey rubbie-rubbie," and he's not even talking only about Rob and Amber. (POW!) We watch Tom do his best imitation of a stampeding bull, which is...pretty good. Maybe a little too good, actually. I would be surprised if there's a little cattle blood there somewhere. Alicia interviews that they don't know whether it will be a merge, but that they know something's up.

Idyllic Stretch Of Beach Shot #8398 from the editors' vault brings us to an open area where Jeff, unsurprisingly, is waiting. He invites Chapera in and notes that they're "looking good" with their crazy painted bodies. I normally don't waste time envying the little flat tummies, but I will admit that the sun painted over Amber's belly button is pretty cute. The asterisks above her boobs? Not so good. You don't want people to be looking at you like, "Hmm, something makes me think I can't exactly trust her boobs, but I can't really explain it." Jeff invites Mogo Mogo in, noting for Chapera that Ethan is gone. "Good," mutters Amber. HA! My sentiments exactly. Mogo Mogo looks stupid for not being painted now, and Kathy tries to play it off by mocking Chapera with a little "looking dandy" comment, which is fooling no one. Jeff makes note of the fact that given a can of paint, Chapera used it on each other and Mogo Mogo did nothing. He asks Rob if Chapera's painting was "a sign of team spirit." Rob says yes, they were "havin' a good time over they-ah, paintin' each oth-ah." Kathy is asked why Mogo Mogo did nothing, and she claims that it's because they like to save things -- "conserve." You can't blame them, after all. You never know when you might need that green paint later. There are some pretty crazy storms in Panama, after all, and nothing staves off rain like, you know, green paint. Lex, on the other hand, just shrugs and says, "My canvas is full." Hee. I admire a guy who knows his limitations. ["I don't. YES, Lex, we see your tattoos and now we know you're a genuine certified nonconformist bad-ass, so SHUTTIE." -- Wing Chun]

Jeff tells each tribe to line up in any order. The last two on Chapera won't be doing anything, because they have two more players than Mogo Mogo. Once they've lined up, Jeff tells them that Lex, as the first person for Mogo Mogo, will go first. He is told to choose someone from Chapera with whom he can go off and have a private chat away from everyone else. Lex selects Rob, so the two of them peel off and stand to the side. Big Tom is the first remaining Chaperian (Rob was first, but Lex took him), and he chooses Jerri. Shii Ann chooses Rupert, saying that it's because they're both there solo from their seasons. (Lame!) Rupert gives the lower-teeth-showing smile. Alicia has only Kathy to choose, so she chooses Kathy. This leaves Jenna and Amber to spend some more time together as the leftovers, which makes them ridiculously happy. "Yaaay!" they both yell, and then they hug, and I suddenly remember every cheerleader I ever knew. Jeff explains that they just thought it might be fun at this point for some of the folks to get to talk to people they don't usually talk to. And as if that weren't enough, they're getting box lunches. Wasn't this supposed to be a hard season? I swear, these people have unwrapped more fussy catered food since beginning this survivalist adventure than I've had in my entire life. Jeff distributes lunch to each pair and sends them on their way.

Big Tom tells Jerri that if you're going to have a date, you should "pick the good-lookin' women." Jerri says she's blushing. Heh. Meanwhile, Amber and Jenna are relieved that they don't have to sit around and do strategy with anyone, but can just have lunch together and chat about nothing, just like I suspect they normally do. Shii Ann and Rupert are the first to open their lunch and see the fruit, cheese, crackers, and so forth. Rupert asks her what it's like "all by herself," and Shii Ann says that she loves Lex and Kathy. She complains that Jerri doesn't do enough work, and Rupert agrees with her, because there is certainly nothing that revs Rupert's engine like commiserating over the inferiority of others. Big Tom tells Jerri that, at first, he was actually kind of worried about her. She admits that it was hard at first, and "almost broke [her] spirit." "We got eighteen days, you suck it up, be the stud you are," Big Tom tells her. "Put your chest out." Snerk. She tells him that the experience has been "humbling."

Elsewhere, Lex tells Rob that he's ready for the merge. And by "ready," I think he means "eager." Rob is noncommittal. Shii Ann is busy telling Rupert that Rob is the real menace, because if they go to individual immunity challenges, he's going to whip everybody repeatedly, which...seems like a plausible scenario, actually, even though it's Shii Ann who's proposing it. Jenna tells Amber that she thinks the picnic indicates that there is going to be a merge, but Amber looks like she isn't so sure.

When the group comes back from lunch, Jeff tells them, "Fall in right here. Any order." He tells them to drop their buffs, so they're all thinking, "Merge!" Well, probably all except Shii Ann, who's thinking, "I assume nothing until I hear Jeff say the word 'merge' about six times, and even then, I will be looking at everybody funny for a few days." Jeff then takes a fairly small ceramic pot over to Lex, who will be first to pull a new buff. The one Lex pulls out is red. "You are now a member of Chapera," says Jeff. Rob picks , and he's now Mogo Mogo. Big Tom picks, and he's also Mogo Mogo. Jerri is now Chapera, Shii Ann is Chapera, Rupert is Mogo Mogo, Kathy is Chapera, Alicia is Mogo Mogo, and Jenna is Mogo Mogo. And Amber? Amber is Chapera, so she's the only person who didn't switch. There was a lot of chatter this week about the possibility of that being fixed, because it flipped the tribes perfectly, but I suspect it wasn't. The buffs didn't come out in alternating order -- they came out red, green, green, red, red, green, red, green, green, red. And Jeff told them to fall in "in any order" to line up to pick buffs. Had he ordered them to line up in alternating order, and then had the buffs come out in alternating order, maybe. But...I suspect not. For one thing, I don't know what the motivation would be to do this twist and then hardly change the tribes. If you're going to reshuffle, you wouldn't set it up so that the reshuffling accomplishes nothing. I can see the argument that they might fix it to split Rob and Amber, but if they were going to fix it to that degree, I'd think they'd fix it so that the split happened, but at least some reshuffling happened as well. Math is funny -- it's true that the odds of its working out that way were low, but they weren't any worse than the odds of its working out any other particular way. Coincidences do happen, after all, or there wouldn't be a word for them.