Previously on The Cheese Stands Alone: Colby was riding high at Mogo Mogo, and when his team dropped a combined reward/immunity challenge, he was fuming over the loss but downright giddy at the thought of getting rid of Jerri. Meanwhile, Kathy responded favorably to the sucking-up she received during a day with Chapera, in which she horned in on a share of a luxury reward she had no part in winning. Back at Mogo Mogo, Ethan apologized for playing not one but two substantial roles in dropping the challenge, but Colby's eye was on the prize of putting Jerri's ass on his wall right to his biggest stuffed bison head. Unfortunately for him, Colby slightly miscalculated by not noticing that Lex had no desire to try to get to the end by clutching the tail of a Colby/Ethan powerhouse alliance, and he made an unexpected move and approached Jerri and Shii Ann to join him in voting out Colby instead of Jerri. When Shii Ann flipped a none-too-shiny mental coin that came up "whatever -- Colby, I guess," Colby was indeed banished from the game. Adios, Razor-Boy. May you live many years happy and stubbled, which is just the way I'll try to remember you.
Credits. All of a sudden, this show exhausts me. It's like the life has been sucked out of it with a Hoover. I'm surprised it's not affecting the tides. Is it over yet? Bleh.
We fade in on Mogo Mogo on Night 19, where a thunderstorm is in full swing. Kathy is returning in darkness from her Chapera adventure, noting that the team is still at tribal council. She remarks that rattling around by herself at camp is "depressing." She actually manages, while pondering the fact that she ate and partied all day and avoided tribal council, to feel sorry for herself, which is quite a remarkable feat. She bitches about the rain, bitches about the fire...it's charming, really. It makes me want to sit right down and befriend her. Not.
Later, as the fire clings to life, the rest of the tribe returns. Kathy voices over that she didn't get "hugs" when they came back. Gee, nitwit, this couldn't possibly be because they were tired and hungry and not totally focused on the importance of your recently pampered ass, could it? No. No, I'm sure it means they're just not a good tribe. She compares the non-huggers of Mogo Mogo unfavorably to the huggers over at Chapera, who happily hugged her the minute she joined them. She says that the mood about Colby's ouster was "very somber and sad." Apparently, Jerri is successfully fighting the urge to write "COLBY" in the wet sand with one toe just so that she can stomp all over it, wait for the water to wash the sand smooth, and write "JERRI RULZ HA HA HA" right over it. Believe it or not, it turns out that Colby left his Texas hat back at camp -- which is how you can tell he had no clue he was going to be voted out. It's like the very end of The Goodbye Girl, with Colby in the role of Richard Dreyfuss, which seems like a little bit of a disconnect. (Jeff Probst, of course, would play Marsha Mason.) The remaining members of Mogo Mogo all discuss the fact that the hat will have to be returned to him. Well, sure. It's all about the things that really matter. Kathy says that having Colby gone "summarizes" Mogo Mogo. What? She goes on to whine that the tribe never "amounted to a whole lot," and that Colby was "holding [them] back" by not trusting anyone. Wha? What is she talking about? Is she saying it's good? And the tribe is bad? Then how does having him gone "summarize" the tribe? My head hurts. I think I need a margarita. Or six. Anyway, Kathy says it's "too late for [Mogo Mogo] to rally," and now, it's especially bad because "Ethan is questioning it all." All of what? The meaning of life? The origins of Dr Pepper? The loyalty of a tribe that now obviously wants to vote him out? I don't mean to sound desperately lost within the first five minutes, but seriously, what is she talking about? We get one last lingering, nostalgic shot of Colby's hat, because when it comes to sizing up character, it all comes down to...headgear.
The morning of Day 20 dawns at Mogo Mogo, and Ethan sits with his buff wrapped around his head, Fairplay-style, hearing from everyone about Colby's departure and how Colby never saw it coming. It's sort of interesting -- you don't often hear the tribe discussing people after they're gone. To her credit, Jerri seems to be staying mostly out of this particular powwow. She seems aware that she can't avoid looking like she's gloating if she gets too far into the dissection of the downfall of her nemesis, so she's doing what she said she was going to do from the beginning -- keeping her mouth shut. Ethan is wearing a dumb little grimace. In an interview, he grins from ear to ear, trying to appear cute, and says, "Ooh, don't I feel silly." He voices over that he was expecting a single vote for him (Jerri's) and four for Jerri: "I thought everything was going smoothly, and...boom." He comments that he was just as fooled as Colby was by what happened, in the end. "And I had no idea," he says. Well, at least he admits it. Clouds fly across the sky. Time passes. And...Ethan is still talking. He says that he had believed himself to be pretty close to Lex, but obviously this turn of events makes him question that: "Not after I was left out of those plans." Ethan mourns the loss of his "bond" with Lex. Apparently, Ethan must have intended eventually to step aside and allow Lex to win the money if it came down to that, rather than trying to win it for himself, because if not, he's being an enormous crybaby hypocrite, and I'm sure it's not that. "That hurts," Ethan says with great earnestness, trying to make himself seem sympathetic and failing miserably.
In an interview, Jerri finally lets out the gloating laugh she has been working her ass off to contain at camp. She claps her hands and giggles joyfully: "Yes, I feel...I could be evil right now, but boy, does it feel good." The sun beats down. She sits on the beach, holding her head, trying to contain the evil gloating that is trying to burst from the top of her head, fully formed, like something out of Greek mythology. She interviews that she has now achieved one of her goals in the game, which was outlasting Colby: "Knock knock, you hear that sound, Colby? That's the bellboy, and he just took all my baggage away." Well...I mean, apparently not, given that you kind of lose your advantage in that area if you have to mention it, but I'll admit that she might be down to a small carry-on instead of hauling around six of those trunks people took on trips across the Atlantic once upon a time.
Over at Chapera, Alicia, Jenna, and Amber open up some treemail. It includes a bottle with a rolled-up note inside. The note with the bottle tells them that one representative of the team has to get on a boat and visit the other tribe. During the visit, they'll open the note in the bottle and read it aloud. Amber says that nobody wanted to be the one sent to Mogo Mogo. After all, what if that person has to stay and can't come back to Love Camp? No swing! No singing songs! No snuggles! Unable to decide on a team representative, Chapera draws straws, and it turns out that Jenna has to go to Mogo Mogo. She interviews good-naturedly but with great disappointment that she doesn't think this is a good sign. As the boat comes for her, Rob says, "All right, sweet-haaaht, have fun," and when you hear the Boston accent say "sweetheart," you understand (I hope) why Sars and I both have a sizable and undeniable soft spot for it. God, I love that. I should hire a guy from Boston (or, even better, Maine) to live in my apartment and call me "sweetheart" six times a day.
Anyway. Over at Mogo Mogo, Lex argues that nobody should be forced to go to Chapera who doesn't want to, and that it should be a decision everyone is comfortable with. Kathy, contrary to what she said she was going to do yesterday, tells everyone that she "definitely had a good rapport" with Chapera. So it's Kathy who's going. Well, that's good. Maybe now she can get those hugs, because God knows, Kathy gets all bent out of shape without her hugs. Damn hugs. Everyone yells that they love her as she heads out. Thanks for doing your part to cheapen the vocabulary, Mogo Mogo.
The boats carry the ambassadors in both directions. Jenna hops off at Mogo Mogo, and is welcomed by -- ew -- Shii Ann, of all people. They break open the bottle to get the message out. It instructs Jenna to survey the camp at Mogo Mogo and write down the three items she thinks her team would like to play for at the reward challenge. She's not supposed to tell anyone what she's picking.
Kathy returns to Chapera and acts obnoxiously triumphant and oh-I-know-you-love-me about it. Amber repeats the instructions. Alicia talks sarcastically about how Kathy tried to act like she was going to write down stuff they'd never miss. Alicia, however, has opened her calendar from yesterday and seen no entry for "be born," so she isn't buying. She talks about how the members of Chapera were all really uncomfortable, because their camp has a ton of stuff that they love and do not want to give up. In a truly gross interview, Kathy stresses the importance of "networking." Oh, bleh. Can we keep the annoying business-speak out of this, please? I didn't bring my Dilbert-to-English translator. Can she not say "building relationships" or "making friends" or "developing trust" or something other than "networking"? Because, ew. Anyway, Chapera has Kathy's number so thoroughly that they are now the official title-holders to her number, and they pet her with how happy they were to see her, and of course, she buys it -- hook, line, and sinker. She's very convinced that they dearly love her. Whatever, dummy. You're not nearly as crafty as you think.
We cut directly to the scene of the challenge, which is a log-rolling setup over water. Jeff first calls Kathy and Jenna in, and then he invites the rest of the tribes to join them. He explains that the reward challenge will be played for -- duh -- the items that Kathy and Jenna wrote down. The challenge is a simple log-rolling game in which men will play men and women will play women. First person in the water is out; winner scores a point for his or her tribe. Reward will go to the first tribe to score five points. And now, to announce the chosen items. If Chapera wins, they will get the grill, one bag of rice, and the "Hawaiian sling" (which is the fishing spear). If Mogo Mogo wins, they will get one blanket, the parachute, and the tarp. So Kathy just screwed herself, because she just screwed Chapera by taking the stuff they most wanted to keep, after specifically promising she wouldn't. Idiot. Big Tom is sitting out the challenge for Chapera. Yeah, I'm not sure "lithe" is in the list of adjectives commonly used to describe Big Tom.
The first matchup is Shii Ann versus Alicia. Alicia loses her footing more than her balance, and goes in the water first. One point to Mogo Mogo. I think it's safe to say they have just found the only way Shii Ann will ever beat Alicia at competitive anything. matchup is Rupert versus Ethan. They essentially hit the water at the same time, but because Ethan bounces off the log on the way down (graceful!), he manages to win by about a millimeter. Two points Mogo Mogo, zippety-doo-dah for Chapera. up, Jenna and Kathy. Jenna -- who's been struggling in challenges of late -- does herself proud by not only dumping Kathy decisively, but by appearing to do it intentionally, through an actual plan to spin the log and dump her. Something very interesting that I think is a key to log-rolling strategy? Kathy is watching her own feet. Jenna is watching Kathy's feet. My own theory is that's how you do it. You don't need to see your own feet -- they're attached to you. You already know what they're doing. You have to watch the other person's feet, because it lets you anticipate. In other words, Jenna actually appears to do this challenge specifically well, as opposed to most of the other people who have gone so far, who just kind of lucked out by staying up for an instant longer than the opposition.
up, Lex and Rob. Rob takes over quickly and just runs him right off the thing -- you've seen Rob with the balance like a little monkey running vines at the zoo before, and he uses it to great advantage here. Lex appears to bounce off the log pretty hard, keeping his face clear of the surface by only about an inch. I'm telling you, somebody is going to break some teeth on this show pretty soon. They used to make us wear mouthguards for field hockey when I was in high school, and this is a lot more intimidating than field hockey, in terms of your dental integrity. Anyway: again, a decisive Chapera victory. Jerri faces Amber. Boy, there's a clash of the titans. Again, Amber does an awesome job just running the thing in one direction until Jerri gets dumped. After those first two close calls, Chapera is kicking Mogo Mogo's ass very thoroughly at this point.
Three to two, in favor of Chapera. Again, Shii Ann faces Alicia. At first, it's a standoff, and neither of them wants to move. Again, weirdly and semi-miraculously, Shii Ann manages to put Alicia in the water. Apparently, balance is not Alicia's strong suit. We're all tied up at three. And now, the one they've both been waiting for -- Ethan and Rob. They're both pretty studly, quite honestly, but Rob is a tiny bit quicker, and eventually he turns from the face-your-opponent phase to the turn-and-run phase, and he dumps Ethan in the drink. Whee! Kathy faces Amber, and whines for Amber to cut her some slack. Whatever. Don't do it, Amber. No slack! Amber is now in a position to bring home the reward for Chapera. Exactly the way she did last time, Amber just turns her body and starts running, and Kathy gets run right off the back of the log. I think what we've learned is that if you're the first person to turn and run rather than just teetering face-to-face, and if you can do it confidently and get yourself moving, you have a very good shot. That's what Jenna did, too. So once again, Chapera wins. Once again. You know how many challenges Chapera has participated in, as of this point? Eleven. Of which they have won seven. And in the first seven of the eleven, there were three tribes playing. That is a decisive margin of dominance. They all happily dive in the water and celebrate, while Jerri looks miserable. Jeff explains that Jenna will now return to Mogo Mogo and swipe the goods. More Chapera celebrating. More Mogo Mogo misery.
After the commercials, it is night at Mogo Mogo. The tribe sits around the fire, and Lex interviews that it's anxiety-producing to have somebody from the other tribe coming to raid some of your stuff. Shii Ann is determined to be very friendly and not "hostile" to Jenna. Lex interviews, not to anyone's great surprise, that they'll miss the fishing spear because it's a way of getting food. Ohh, is that why it's valuable? Thanks, Lex. I was wondering when you took up javelin. And as if that's not enough, he continues, Jenna will be taking a bag of rice, too. Oh, nooo, not the moldy rice! What will we eat with the rotten fish? Still on night-vision, Jenna gets off the boat at Mogo Mogo. As a peace offering, as it turns out, Jenna has brought a little of the bathroom reward to share with Mogo Mogo -- a bar of soap, some toilet paper, a little brush for washing clothes, and a toothbrush. Aw. That's nice, actually, and diplomatic. I don't blame her -- being put in the position of carrying out a raid at this late date is a good way to generate bad feelings right before a merge -- I kind of feel for her for being put in the position of doing it. Jenna interviews to essentially this effect -- that the raid is all part of the game. Shii Ann, before Jenna leaves, asks in front of the group whether Jenna would be willing to give up a couple of scoops of rice from the bag, because so much of their rice was moldy to begin with (as a result of their not keeping it dry, though this doesn't come up), and they don't have much left. Jenna -- both outnumbered and put in a totally impossible position -- really has no choice but to say yes, despite the fact that she has already given them a bunch of stuff she wasn't obligated to give. Lex complains in an interview that the tribe was carefully rationing the rice, and now in hindsight, he wishes they had eaten it all so that they wouldn't lose so much. Shii Ann tries to make nice about it as she gives Jenna the rice that she hasn't taken back for herself, but Jenna interviews that it's obvious Mogo Mogo is down at this point. "They're slowly losing everything they have," she says, with quite a flair for the obvious.
Jenna returns to moonlit Love Camp. She interviews that the tribe was incredibly happy to see her -- particularly Rupert, who was all excited about the fishing spear. Of course, the first thing he does is complain that Mogo Mogo hasn't cared for the spear properly. That is such a totally Rupert way to behave, it's like he's trying to prove I'm right about him. Maybe I should thank him. He interviews that he's waited a long time to be able to catch fish properly. "I'm going to be the hunter tomorrow," he crows. He talks about all the big giant fish he hopes to see, now that he has the Death Spear. (I don't like "Hawaiian sling," because it sounds like a drink with mint leaves in it.) Later, as Rupert babbles on and on to the tribe about the spear, Rob turns to Amber and mutters, "I'm gonna be able to handle anything after this, my patience is so good." And I like the way he swats her on the arm with his buff when he makes his remark -- it seems very genuinely affectionate. Amber yaps that it's a great day for her, in part because, of course, they're getting even more rice. Around the fire, the team is chitchatting, and Rob makes some comment about people having gas, and Amber slaps him on the arm. He points the "abuse" out to Jenna, arguing that this would be grounds for Amber to be thrown out of the game. Hee. "If Rob and Amber are not playing kissy-face, playing sucky-kissy-face yet, they are gonna be soon," Rupert says. I really didn't need to hear Rupert say "sucky-kissy-face" in my lifetime, but thanks. We watch Rob and Amber flirt around the fire. Rupert describes walking up to them in the night and seeing them looking guilty, and he's just sure "something's going on." Good guess, genius, from all the sweating and panting. Can't get anything past Rupert.
Rob offers Amber a walk later, and she says okay, and then she interviews about how originally, she was just trying to play Rob, but now she has "feelings." Well, those are always bad news. That's why I don't have any. In night-vision, they cuddle. In his interview that led to such a greasy-looking promo, Rob tells us that Amber is "slammin'." Incidentally, while this episode was on, I was actually on the phone with Sars on the Survivor version of the Not!Line, and we discussed the fact that both of us are troubled by the fact that we want to like Rob, and then he says something like "slammin'," and we can't. He does have the decency to call her "sweet" before returning to "beautiful," and then swinging back for "funny" and "great personality." Again, I am reminded of my resentment when hot people try to butt in on the "funny" and "great personality" action. Shut up with that. "Her ass is smokin', too," he says, quite clearly for effect. Sometimes I think he's funny on purpose, and those are the times when I like him. Also, he's at least growing an annoying beard to complement the Sleazestache, which is a lot better than when the Sleazestache goes solo.
And now -- oh, yes -- the time has come for the love. Piaaaaaaano music. Rob rubs Amber's back. He kisses her shoulder. They huuuuug. Amber voices over that finding anyone she liked in the middle of the game was not her plan. She likes the "comfort level," however: "I love that he keeps me warm at night, and he, you know, makes me feel safe out here...I can vent to him, complain to him about anything, and he won't hold it against me." It's not a completely terrible speech, actually, but don't tell anyone I said that. They kiiiiiiiiss. At last. She says she feels "secure." They snuggle. He interviews that they've been "foolin' around a little bit out here." He says "it's all in good fun," and gives the exciting and unexpected news that he's "attracted to her." "It'd be nice to have a million dollars and take the girl away, too," he says. They snuggle under a blanket. I get it. Seriously. Not the way they're currently getting it, but I get it.
After a commercial, it is Day 21 at Chapera. A pelican executes a perfect dive. Rob scratches himself and notes that a storm is nearby. Rob voices over that Rupert is extremely excited about going out with the fishing spear. "It's his baby now, he can catch a fish, and show how much he's worth to the tribe," Rob says, moving for the later part of this sentence into a perfect imitation of Rupert's self-important, love-me-love-me growl. Rupert indeed takes the spear and sets out to bring back some food. Rob watches him and trash-talks with Big Tom. "That's his whole life, is that spear," Rob says. "First of all, the guy looks like Grizzly Adams, but he thinks he's Aquaman in the ocean." Aforementioned Grizzly Aquaman fusses around by some rocks. "This guy talks baby talk," Rob continues. "What is that? You ever notice that? 'My name is Rupert! I'm a big, big strong fisherman! In the Pearl Islands!'" I kind of hate assholes who do this kind of shit, but in this case? Hee. Rupert spears a little fish as Rob states to Big Tom exactly what Rupert hasn't yet thought of: "Now that we got the spear, we don't need him. I'm not sure that we ever did." We switch to a Rob interview, in which he recalls Rupert's triumphant return with a bag of fish. Back on the rocks, Rupert indeed comes to Tom and Rob with his haul of food, growling happily that it "took all [he] had to stop." Rob gently mocks the teeny weeny fish that Rupert has brought back. Rob interviews that he and the rest of the tribe all know that if you have that spear, the fishing just isn't that difficult -- he compares it to going to the pet store and using a net to get the fish you want. I'm not sure it's that easy, but it does appear that the tribe is beginning to learn that it's not up there with wrestling alligators with your bare hands, the sling-based fishing.
Rob says faux-humbly that he now fears being embarrassed, but he takes off with the spear to see what he can accomplish, as Rupert continues talking to Big Tom about -- literally -- the one that got away. "I proceeded to go into the water and catch eleven fish myself," Rob interviews simply. There's a great shot of Rupert smiling in that creepy way he has where only his lower teeth show, in which you can completely tell that he is thinking one thing and one thing only: "Waaaaaaah!" But in his interview, Rupert takes a different tack: "Sometimes, I really like Boston Rob. Other times, I see him an arrogant pain in the ass." Like, for instance, when he's showing Rupert up, presumably. I'm thinking those are some of the "arrogant pain in the ass" times. Rupert continues: "You know, he wants to be the man." Rob voices over that Rupert was not happy when Rob brought back fish, because Rupert realized that he's just not as indispensable as he thinks he is: "I think it made him realize that we can use Rupert or the Hawaiian sling. The Hawaiian sling doesn't eat any rice. So Rupert's stock just went down about twenty points." It really is interesting to consider that Rupert just taught an entire college course in the growth of industrialized societies without even meaning to. Rupert? Meet all the guys who used to make cars in Detroit. Ask them about being replaced by robots -- they love that.
We fly nauseatingly around what is apparently the site of the challenge, where there are several big targets lined up in a row. Jeff calls in the teams. Today's challenge, he explains, will "test your skills with a variety of weapons." In the first round, each person will take a shot with a blowgun, and whichever tribe gets closest to the center of the target gets two arrows. The other tribe gets one. Then they'll do the same with a second round consisting of spear-throwing. Then for the final round, each tribe will pick one person to, um, arch for them, and that person will pick up the bow and fire all the team's accumulated arrows at the target. Whoever gets closest to the center wins immunity. Alicia will be sitting out for Chapera.
First up, the blowgun round. Jenna is up first for Chapera. Do I really have to tell you she misses? She does. up, Jerri. If the middle of the target is Topeka, Kansas, she hits somewhere around Austin, Texas. (Colby: "Ow.") Amber's dart doesn't even get to the target. "Just not enough wind for Amber," Jeff says in a regretful way I found very funny. Shii Ann, too, is short of the target. Rob gets up and misses the target (he's off the coast of, say, South Carolina). Kathy is short of the target. Rupert's dart, surprisingly, appears to bounce harmlessly off the target somewhere around Salt Lake City. Ethan is way short of the target. Big Tom misses as well. So out of that entire round, only one person even hit the target, and that was Jerri. Jesus. That was an example of failed challenge-testing, I think.
On to the spear-throwing. Jerri clunks her spear off of Dallas, and it falls to the ground. Rupert buries the spear in Madison, Wisconsin. (Take that, cheeseheads!) Shii Ann...good God, she basically throws the spear at the ground. Nice one. Amber is nowhere close. Kathy comes closer, but also? No dice. Big Tom manages to hit approximately Phoenix. Ethan puts it in Indianapolis or so, not quite closer than Rupert. Rob picks on Phoenix again. Lex is up last for Mogo Mogo, and he hits the target, but he's way over in Pittsburgh or some shit like that, so no luck for him. So Chapera and Mogo Mogo are each going to the final round with three arrows.
Rob will be doing the archery for Chapera. Jerri will be doing the archery for Mogo Mogo. They shoot rock-paper-scissors to see who goes first, and Rob wins. He makes Jerri go first. Asked by Jeff if she has bow-and-arrow experience, Jerri claims that she does. Her first arrow, however, is wide of the target off the northeast coast of Connecticut. Rob says that his brother is a bowhunter and tried to give him a few lessons before he left. He misses off the coast of California. Jerri misses off the east coast again. Rob gets up and puts the arrow in the target, all the way up in Olympia, Washington. Jerri steps up for her last shot. She's wide to the right again. Damn, girl, correct a little to the left when that keeps happening. Haven't you ever played with air guns at Chuck E. Cheese? Anyway, Jerri looks at the ground, dejected, and Mogo Mogo is resigned to tribal council. Chapera, victorious again, celebrates. Jeff sends everyone back to camp. Rather hilariously, when Rob passes around the immunity idol, Big Tom declines to kiss it. Heh.
After commercials, it is post-challenge time at Mogo Mogo. Jerri is apologizing to the team for not hitting the target, and they're all giving her the "eh, whatever" that stands for "if we vote you out, it won't be for that." Jerri gives a bitter interview: "I'm pissed because I stuck my neck out, and I blew it." She says she feels guilty and also fearful of being voted out. Lex takes her for a little walk, though, and gives her the news that they're going to vote Ethan out that night. He tells her not to talk about it, gives her a kiss on the cheek, and leaves. Gosh. Lex now goes to talk to Shii Ann. He tells her that Ethan is "a charmer," and that it's just "dangerous" to keep him in the game. Lex interviews that he and Ethan had a "handicap" coming into the game, which is that they're good friends outside of the game. Lex goes on to say that Ethan came into the game not wanting to be blindsided. Therefore, Lex decided that the (sigh) "honorable" way to go was to tell Ethan that they were planning to vote him out. Lex goes on to talk about how he has "his own agenda," and it doesn't include Ethan: "I can't afford ballast, I can't afford dead weight, and I certainly can't be dragging an ex-winner along with me just because he's my friend." I might have to marry Lex just for comparing Ethan to "ballast." I would also have accepted a simpler and more elegant word, like "filler."
Lex sits down for a chat with his good friend, Ethan the Abruptly Doomed. ["Dumb, dumb, dumb. So cocky. Has Lex learned nothing from watching past seasons of this show? Even if he gets to the final two, this little incident is going to come back and bite him in the ass. More likely, he'll be voted out at the tribal council for being too cocky." -- Wing Chun] He tells Ethan that over here, there's the game, and over there, there's their friendship, and the two are separate to him. He explains to Ethan that, strategically, he thinks it's better for him if Ethan is voted out. Which, he goes on to emphasize, has nothing to do with their friendship. "I have to play the game differently this time around," he says, "because the first time around, I lost." Heh. Hard to argue with, that theory. Ethan isn't buying: "Lex, as much as you say this is business, it's not." Lex tries to tell him that it's not fun for him to be sharing this particular info any more than it's fun for Ethan to be hearing it. He specifically says that he knows Ethan will be pissed about going out before Jerri. Ethan indeed gets all whiny-pants about how Jerri hasn't done anything for the game or the tribe, and how "she does not deserve to be here." Oh, great. The "deserving to be here" card. I love that one. He claims that Lex is "rewarding" Jerri. Lex doesn't really argue with Ethan's criticisms of Jerri: "That's why she's not much of a threat." Ethan literally says through clenched teeth, "She does not deserve to be here." Dick. And then he grunts it again: "She does not deserve to be here." Unlike, say...Shii Ann? No, no, Shii Ann's not a problem, because Shii Ann isn't threatening to Ethan, unlike Jerri, who is pissing him off by messing with his version of the universe in which he is nice and everyone loves him and she is a bitch and everyone hates her. He and Colby got this vibe going last week -- the "That Little Bitch Doesn't Do Anything, Fuck Her" vibe -- and Ethan is just having a hard time letting it go. Unless Jerri has been peeing on his clothes off-camera, she hasn't done anything to deserve this level of irrational grunting, so clearly, these are Ethan's own issues at work, and he needs to...well, shut up, first of all, but also accept the fact that the world is not a perfectly formed Ethanverse where all the cameras love you and all the chicks dig you and everybody throws money at you and when you and your friends decide to have a woman cast out from the cool table, it finishes her off forever. Lex looks at Ethan like he can't believe the intensity of this freakout, and then Ethan stomps off. Lex apologizes; Ethan won't listen. ["Which is fair enough, since Lex isn't actually sorry at all." -- Wing Chun]
Swarming crabs feast on a rotting something-or-other. Heh.
Ethan bitches in an interview that what makes him the most angry is the judgment that Jerri is "more worthy" to be there than he is. Jesus. Since when is that the basis is Survivor voting? Ohhhhh. This is where it hits me. Ethan loves the idea that Survivor voting is based on who's the most worthy. And why does Ethan love that idea? Because Ethan won last time. And therefore, Ethan likes the idea that winning is a meritocracy, and represents the judgment of your peers that you are the most worthy, because it benefits him and translates what is basically a game-show win into a judgment on how cool of a guy you are. I think it's causing a bit of cognitive dissonance for Ethan to be forced into an admission that in all likelihood, he won last time in part due to other people's efforts to advance themselves, rather than due to their judgment that he was "more worthy." Get over it, ass. You won a game show. Now you're losing a game show. You want to be judged worthy? Go be worthy. Whatever. "I don't know what game they're playing," he bitches in an interview. That would be Survivor, Ethan, in which they are attempting to win money, not select the Pope. I mean, honestly.
Ethan sits down with Kathy and tries to talk her over to his side. He explains about the conversation with Lex, and grunts as he tries to explain his anger that Jerri is being brought along as a vote Lex thinks will go with him and not because she's such a good person. "There's no rhyme or reason of how Lex is playing this game," he insists, trying to convince Kathy that Jerri may wind up going farther than Kathy will. Of course, there's a perfect rhyme or reason to it, which is that Ethan is an individual immunity threat, as well as a fast-talking smoothie, and Lex isn't interested in being aligned with him. But Ethan chalks it up to, I guess, randomness? Kathy interviews that Ethan is "a nice guy." He has "a big heart." Kathy tells Ethan that she doesn't want to take Lex out before Jerri, so it appears to me that Ethan was actually attempting to get Kathy to vote out Lex originally. Does that mean he thinks Lex is less "worthy" than Shii Ann? Hmm, that Ethanverse is a very confusing place. I need a map. Ethan tells Kathy that he'll be voting for Jerri, and that she and Shii Ann can think about whether they want to join him.
Evening. Trip to tribal council. Kathy voices over that "looking into Ethan's eyes" makes her think about trust and loyalty and something something, and "there is no way [she wants] Jerri in the final four." This is precisely, by the way, why Lex wants to get rid of Ethan. Get rid of Ethan now, while you still have Jerri's free vote. Seems totally obvious to me, but...I'm not Kathy. Or Ethan. Fortunately. Kathy yaps insufferably about how she wants the win to go to someone with lots of bug bites whose "fingers are gnarled" from work. Oh, come the fuck on. "I'm sorry, it's just the way I am," she says in her very special faux-noble fashion. You know, I don't appreciate her bringing me so far into her core of self-satisfaction.
Tribal council. They all approach with their torches. I am so tired of looking at Kathy's pink tank top, I cannot tell you. Is that the top of her bathing suit? I think it might be. Oh, how the PeptoSuit haunts me. It haunts me in my sleep, I tell you. Jeff brings up today's challenge, and asks Jerri about the loss. She says she volunteered for the archery because she has some "archery experience," and the tribe believed in her. Whoops. Maybe she thought it was something about feet. She says she apologized and still apologizes, and "regardless of the outcome, [she feels] good about it." Jeff asks Shii Ann whether there's some relief when somebody else steps up, because at least it won't be you. Well, sure, because of course if Jerri hadn't volunteered, their choice for the archery would totally have been Shii Ann. To her credit (blech), Shii Ann does say that the same thing "could have happened with anyone."
Jeff asks Ethan whether it has occurred to him that he's the last winner standing. He says it has occurred to him, and that he "like[s] that." Jeff asks Ethan what it is about him that represents the biggest threat. Ethan goes on to say that they should actually keep him, because nobody is going to vote for a winner in the final two, so that's a good person to bring along: "Principle alone, no one wants to see a winner win again." Which kind of makes you wonder why he acted like such a preening, morally outraged dickweed when Jenna expressed exactly that opinion in the first episode. Jackass. Lex takes issue with this when asked by Jeff, saying that if he were on the jury, he wouldn't rule out voting for a winner, partly because the winner would have had worse odds getting there, and therefore would have had an even bigger task in getting to the final two. Ethan shakes his head while Lex is talking, because he has judged Lex not "worthy." You can almost see Ethan's little lower lip quivering as he mutters inside his head, "Lex does not deserve to be here! He does not deserve to be here!"
Time for the voting. Shii Ann votes. Ethan votes for Jerri (or rather "Jerry," because he's pulling possibly the silliest dominance maneuver -- don't even tell me he doesn't know), saying that she "took [his] life into [her] hands" at the archery challenge and "blew it." Yeah, imagine if we had people doing such outrageous things in our society on a regular basis. Imagine people running around and recklessly attempting (gasp!) unlicensed...archery! It would be chaos! Moreover, the Challenge Spaz is one to talk, with the paddle-breaking and the bucket-throwing and the inability to untie knots. In other words, by Ethan's own reasoning for getting rid of Jerri, the tribe should already have booted Ethan twice. Shut up, soccer boy. He yaps that Jerri hasn't played well or worked hard enough, and I'm not sure how she hasn't "played well" when she's managed to get just as far as he has, but whatever. Jerri votes. Lex votes for Ethan: "It's really, really easy to win with grace and dignity, but it's much harder to lose with that same grace and dignity. Let's see how you do." Which is a pretty ballsy speech, ruined only by the fact that Lex winks at the end of it. Ew. Winking is always bad. Kathy votes.
Jeff goes off to tally, and because it doesn't take long to count to five, he quickly returns. First vote Ethan. Second vote "Jerry." Second vote Ethan. vote? Ethan. Adios, creep. Ethan hugs and kisses everyone on the way out, because if you're going to lose anyway, you might as well start working that "nice guy" thing just as hard as you can. After being snuffed, he turns back to the tribe: "Have fun, play hard, don't let the bedbugs bite." Yeah. Real graceful, there, considering the barely restrained fury. When Ethan's gone, Jeff gives a little speech about how valuable trust is getting to be, and he sends them back to camp.
In his farewell speech, Ethan pretends to be nice, because he's going back to real life, and in real life, that's what he does.
week: Clip show! Boooooo.