They're Back!

Previously on seven seasons of Medium-Star Survivor: Oh, all kinds of good stuff. You remember it all, don't you? The scheming, the animals, the bodily functions, the dirt, the starving, the fire, the challenges, the Jeff, the hurting, the voting, the backstabbing, the crying, the undressing, the flirting, the fighting, the flaming, the nudity, the camp-raiding, the vitriolic speechifying...and it all has come to this. Ah, thank goodness for Mark Burnett's powerful sense of nostalgia. And, of course, the running dry of the wellspring of new ideas.

Familiar, overly tense music plays as a helicopter swoops in over the dusky Pacific Ocean. A woman radios someone else in subtitled Spanish that "airspace is closed and waterway is secure." Then, a voice also speaking subtitled Spanish says, "Group 1 full force escort and intercept -- utilize highest level of security."

Okay, we're about eight seconds into this show, and it's already as overblown as an Aerosmith video. How awesome is that?

We see that under a helicopter's watchful eye is a boat with a yellow top. And the incredibly top-secret boat is helpfully labeled with a Survivor logo and the word "Saboga." So no one can possibly spot them except by, you know, visual identification. , we get some kind of extra-double-classified update on the whereabouts of Group 2, and before you know it, we see a boat with the red top, just as inconspicuous, although this one says, in its giant letters, "Chapera." Group 3, logically, involves a green boat marked "Mogo Mogo." You know, world events being what they are, I'm not sure I find the whole "military escort" thing as whimsically entertaining as they intend for me to find it.

We now focus in on one particular helicopter, where we find the lovely Jeff "Nothing Starts A Morning Like A Stud McMuffin" Probst. He tells us that, once again, we are in the Pacific off the coast of Panama. He promises that this will be "the greatest Survivor yet," and then assures us that in order to achieve "top secrecy," the contestants are accompanied by military escort. I'm certainly glad they gave these soldiers something to do, what with their leisurely schedules. Jeff explains that the three boats in the water below him are each carrying six former survivors; each of those contestants has been given a canteen and "very little information." Other than "Show up; we will put your mug on television again," which was enough for most of them. Supposedly, they don't even know who's playing, other than the people who are on their own tribe on their own boat. I find that rather hard to believe, considering that you can't create a family more grotesquely incestuous than the world of former reality-show contestants unless you dip your toe into Greek mythology, but I suppose this is supposed to be part of the suspense, so we will pretend that it's true.

Jeff explains that when the tribes arrive at their respective beaches, the only thing they'll find is a single machete at each camp that they'll all have to share. Eeew, sharing! Jeff refers to this as "the least amount of supplies ever given," and that particular turn of phrase just pings my grammatical radar for reasons I can't articulate. Jeff wonders aloud whether these people will have learned from their past mistakes, or whether their old habits will come back and bite them. When he talks about being "doomed to repeat" their mistakes, they show Jerri, which is kinda funny. He also wonders whether old relationships will come back to haunt or help them, and surprisingly, we do not cut to Ethan or any of his copious exes. That seems like a missed opportunity, snarky-editing-wise. We now are flying alongside Jeff's helicopter as he leans out the side. "Thirty-nine days, eighteen All-Stars, one survivor," he says. And then his helicopter peels away from us in a shot that makes him look like an enormous bad-ass, because he is high up indeed. I mean, I'm sure he's strapped in to within an inch of his life with forty-seven ropes and a hook screwed into his hipbone, but still. Great shot.

Credits. The music is very odd. It kind of sounds like an elaborate Foley artist prank.

We swoop across the gorgeous greenery and water until we return to the boats. Jeff is ready to tell us who the All-Stars actually are, in case you haven't been on the internet in the last five months. On the Mogo Mogo tribe are the odious, boobalicious, and intolerably vain winner of Amazon; Kathy Vavrick-O'Brien, also known as the notorious P-E-E, of Marquesas; Hatch; Colby, shoulders shoulders shoulders shoulders and shoulders, of Outback ["Still love him, I have to say" -- Wing Chun]; the unsettling Lex, of Africa; and Shii Ann, the self-appointed Queen Bitch of Thailand. We see them all give hugs when they arrive on the beach, and something about watching Hatch hug Jenna Morasca makes me want to bleach something. Like, you know, my entire life.

The Saboga tribe includes Good Old Rudy, of Pulau Tiga (which they're calling "Borneo," for some reason); Tina, the goody-goody winner of Outback; Jenna Lewis, the Pretty Perky Princess of "Borneo"; the really very squicky Ethan, quasi-angelic winner of Africa; proto-bitch Jerri, of Outback; and Rupert. Freaking Rupert. Because allowing me to go more than a month without seeing him would apparently have been too damn much to ask. Bastards. They hate me.

The Chapera tribe includes the delightfully obnoxious and suddenly pectorally endowed Rob Cesternino, of Amazon; the less delightfully obnoxious but even more buff Rob Mariano, of Marquesas; the still-more-buff Alicia, of Outback; the always unpredictable Sue, of "Borneo"; Amber "Huh?" Brkich, of Outback; and Big Tom, of Africa. There is much high-fiving on the beach for these people as well.

Appropriately enough -- in what I like to think is a bow to one of the best -- the first comment of the entire season goes to Rob C., who comments that his tribe is "eclectic." "Eclectic," as always, is Optimist for "ragtag." "I can't wait to start wheelin' and dealin'," he says. There will be plenty of time for him to annoy the crap out of me later, but I do find his enthusiasm infectious. And also? Nice smile, actually. Big Tom then interviews that he realizes he's the old man of his group. I'm actually surprised when he says he's forty-eight, because that makes him, like, almost twenty years younger than my dad, and I think my dad looks younger than Big Tom, arguably. ["Yeah, that's forty-eight years of living every day twice, I think, because...wow." -- Wing Chun] "This ain't a little boys' game," he says. "It's for the big boys." Rob M. puts in that this game is "going to be so cutthroat, it's not even gonna be funny. Nobody trusts anybody." There is a pause, and we see him looking intently at his interviewer. "No-body trusts any-body, do ya understand?" he says emphatically, leaning forward. Heh. I hated him mostly, but he has always had his moments.

At Chapera's beach, the tribe opens a piece of mail attached to its planted flag. It turns out to be a map that shows both water and something called "the burnt log." There's a sixth-grade treasure map if ever there was one. I'm sure the burnt log will turn out to be important, but at this point, it's like..."Wow, sure glad they showed us where the log is." As they look at the map, Alicia interviews that the game is different, because they all know quite a bit about each other. She says that you can know better whom to be careful of, and whom you don't have to be careful of, as well as what preexisting friendships and lack thereof may already exist. She also allows that people know her temper is her weakness, and as the team walks into the woods to look for water, she voices over that everyone knows she can be had if you can find the right button to push. I have to say, I think her weakness is her stupid army-green cap. Good Lord. Way to come to Panama directly from your audition for Oliver!. The team looks for north, trying to find its way to the water. When they do find it, the water turns out to be very nasty-looking. Rob M. explains that the water is "highly contaminated," so it's very important that they boil it, which means they need to get fire. He comments that this is actually quite a bit like being dropped off in the middle of nowhere and having to fend for yourself. You know, he's got a great idea for a TV show there. He also clarifies that in addition to the machete, they did get a metal pot/bucket-type item.

As Rob M. scales a tree to chop down some fronds (impressive!), Rob C. picks up the interviewing slack, explaining that because they have nothing to build fire with at the moment, getting the shelter squared away is their primary concern. Shelter-building doesn't turn out to be quite so easy, of course, as Big Tom explains that there were multiple ideas about how to do everything, because this is the Tribe for Non-Diplomatic Personalities Only. Sue mentions, as they discuss the shelter, that she thinks they should try to get it right at the beginning so that they don't have to redo it. We then go to an interview with her in which she says -- sounding, as always, like Marge Gunderson's evil, chain-smoking cousin -- that she's sure she'll be the first to go, because she's "the most outspoooken." The shelter-building gets a little discombobulated, and Rob M. interviews that, once again, he finds himself on "the buffoon tribe." It's not particularly politic of him, but if the buffoon fits, you know? "Apparently, I'm the brains behind this operation," he says with obvious shock, which I laughed at when I first saw him say it, because he looks as surprised and chagrined by that fact as you feel. If you can't be brilliant, it's nice to at least have some glimmer of self-awareness, Jon.

We now make our way over to Saboga. Ethan voices over that he's "happy with the group." He says that there's "the mom" (Tina), "the nice guy" (Rupert), "the military guy" (Rudy), "the hot chick" (Jerri), and so forth. Yes, sir, Ethan's got everyone lined up by stereotype, so he's ready to roll. It really does take a person of some substance to look at someone of Jerri's almost blindingly strong personality and have nothing to say about her except "hot chick." No wonder he went for Jenna Morasca. "It's amazing that all these different styles of play are going to come together." Oh, is it, Ethan? Is it amazing? That so many cardboard characters can coexist on a single beach? Tell me about it, stud. [Eye-roll.] The team looks for water, and Tina hollers to Rudy to help them read the map. "What do I look like, Magellan?" he asks, as he approaches. Hee hee, Rudy said "Magellan." The only thing that could have improved that line would have been saying "Amerigo Vespucci," because I always favor going slightly weirder, where possible. Tina voices over that she's doing the show again because it's "part of her being," and if that's true, it's very, very sad. She insists that it's "not about the money," so obviously, she's likely to be gracious later if it turns out that somebody doesn't want to hand her another million dollars, right? Right? Oh, I'm sure she will. Anyway, she lectures that it's "all about life experiences," and that when she goes to her grave, she'll have a million of 'em! Right! She'll know she was on TV! Twice! Whatever, Tina.

As if you didn't know what a dink Ethan is yet, he calls Rupert "Ruprecht," which means he wasn't even watching S7 before they left to come down here, which is a pretty good indicator of laurel-resting. Are you really surprised? ["Do we know for sure that the seventh season had started airing before they started filming the eighth, though? I thought it hadn't." -- Wing Chun] Rupert quietly interviews that he's "the new guy," and that he doesn't know the rest of these people, whereas they all do know each other. He says that his current plan is to "stand back and let all these egos decide what we do." Heh. Now, see? If he had been this wise about his own season, he might very well have won. If he remains non-blustery and non-entitled for an entire season, he might change my view of him entirely. (I will admit it is not likely.) He acknowledges in an interview that this is a new strategy for him. Yeah, no kidding. Bullying didn't turn out as well as he expected, I guess. Jenna L., meanwhile, happily points out to Rupert some highly unripe bananas that are up in a tree. She interviews that when she saw the people in her tribe on the boat, she was ecstatic. She sees Jerri and Rupert as good allies for her, and Rudy as a good one as well. She thinks it will be easy to convince them to get rid of Tina and Ethan. Yep. That's certainly what I'd do. Provide two obvious boots, you save yourself for potentially several rounds. ["That's exactly why I thought past winners shouldn't be included in this thing: they're most likely to get picked off first because they've already won once, so that's boring." -- Wing Chun]

Merry drums bring us back to Saboga. There, an equally intense fire-producing effort is ongoing. Rupert is able to produce smoke, but no fire. I think there's a good metaphor there. He interviews that they, too, need fire so that they can boil water. Out in the water, he interviews that they could make like Rudy and just drink it, but that he's not inclined to go for that option. "None of us want [sic] to die," he rasps. Heh. As it turns out, Ethan can't make fire, either. He does make a lot of attention-gathering grunting noises, though, and I'd say that's pretty symbolic as well. Jenna L. interviews that they got excited every time they saw a puff of smoke, but that they were never able to make it into anything. Rudy is trying a bow-based method of producing friction. "This is the right way," he says. Unfortunately, when he actually tries to put it into practice, he snaps the bow in half. Hee. For some reason, I am finding this episode unreasonably funny. Perhaps I've been drinking. "Unless God strikes a log around here with lightning," Jenna says, "we might never get fire." (God: "Don't look at me.")

Out in the water, Jerri and her down-to-there blue zipsuit say to Rupert that the tribe needs something "to give [them] some hope." She says she's getting a little worried, and Rupert agrees that he's "worried as hell." Jerri interviews that they're all just starting to realize that nobody's going to save them -- they all have to save themselves. Dude. That is deep. It's like one of the many addiction/recovery episodes of , but with less styling gel.

Richard and Rudy sit to each other on the beach as Rupert tries to regroup. As a drop of sweat drips from Rupert's forehead, Rudy has something to say: "You know, I think me and you oughtta think about an alliance." Rupert looks over at him. "You're a man of your word, too, from what I know of you," Rupert tells Rudy. "Yeah," Rudy says. "I am, too," Rupert says. Rudy nods. Look out, Toastmasters, here come Rudy and Rupert! Rupert interviews about this exchange, saying that they're both men of their words, and that they can take each other to the end, provided that an alliance of two turns out to be big enough, I guess. He also grinningly credits Rudy for "looking right through" his "tie-dyed and hippie" image to the person he really is. Because it's all about Rupert's Voyage of Self-Discovery, of course. Rudy tells Rupert that in case he's not aware, Tina and Ethan are "good buddies," and Jerri and Jenna are "good buddies," so the two of them are hosed unless they take steps to protect themselves. Rudy interviews, in a somewhat less moist fashion, that he and Rupert gave their eternal loyalty to each other, so it's all cool now. They walk on the beach, and Rupert interviews that he was impressed with the fact that Rudy keeps his word. They're in loooove. That's how I feel whenever anyone sees through my tie-dyed, hippie exterior, too.

Night falls. There is the moon. There is sunrise at Chapera. Boston Rob complains that he's "dyin'," because he didn't sleep the night before. He says that constantly rolling over and getting bitten was too much for him (stop sleeping to Amber -- rimshot!), and that he's not doing it for another night. He interviews that last night was worse than any night he ever spent in Marquesas. He also says that, had he been in charge of shelter-building, he'd have done it quite differently. "I'm in construction; I know what I'm doin'," he says. Alicia, however, argues to the group and in her interview that she doesn't even want to touch the shelter to change it until they've got the fire thing (and thus the water thing) knocked. Boston Rob says that he's perfectly willing to work on the fire, but that he also feels that the shelter needs significant work. Amber agrees with Rob (duh) that the shelter is miserable, but Alicia interviews that all six of them are without water, while only Rob and Amber can't sleep, so she thinks the math on which is more pressing is fairly easy to do. Rob tells Alicia that they have already given a lot of effort to the fire, and she spits that he's been giving up, which he insists isn't the case. "We're physically exhausted," he says as she walks away from him. Because she has nothing to say, Alicia escapes the conversation by claiming the high road and accusing Rob of yelling, which he's...really not doing. He tells her that he's just not going to go through another night without sleep.

Big Tom, in an interview: "I never heard so much crybaby titty-suckin' in all my life." HA! I didn't know you could say "titty-suckin'" on TV. I guess you can, as long as it's not sexy. Thus? Big Tom, Obscenity Pioneer. He goes on to mock everyone for being so whiny about the conditions. "They're gonna hafta toughen up a li'l bit," he says. Alicia, meanwhile, quizzes Sue and finds that she thinks the shelter is fine, and that's all the information Alicia needs. She declares that the other people can sleep, so she's done worrying about the shelter. Boston Rob calmly interviews: "What can I say about Alicia? She's a drama queen. You want the facts, you come to Mariano, you get it as it is. She's a drama queen." Heh. I know I'll hate him in under three episodes or however long it takes for him to grow a mustache, whichever is shorter, but he's kind of entertaining me right now. In an interview, Alicia sees things differently. "Who made Rob master of this camp and Amber his little in-pocket girl?" That clip certainly made it look like it was Alicia, not Rob, who was trying to be master of the camp, but I can't speak to what else he might have done. I also don't understand why they couldn't have, say, three people work on the shelter and three work on water. Is this Starting Over, where you're graded on your team-building exercise instead of actually having to accomplish anything? How many people does it take to make fire, anyway?

Elsewhere, as they gather logs, Boston Rob asks Amber if she wants to be in an alliance with him. It does not come with a ring. She's not sure at first whether he's serious, but he assures her that he is. "It's just we can't make it obvious at all," he admonishes her. "Like, I'm carryin' logs with you right now? That's gotta end." Okay, I thought that was sort of funny, too. I am an easy target tonight, I think. I've been watching too much American Idol. He asks Amber if she wants to be his ally, and she says she does. He interviews that he started the alliance with Amber "for obvious reasons...she's beautiful." Ohhh...right. Boston Rob. I remember you, and why I will eventually hate you. He insists that he will keep his word to her: "I trust her, I don't think she's going to screw me." Oh, Boston Rob. I beg to differ.

It is Day 2 at Mogo Mogo, and Lex's earrings are jangling happily as he tries to make fire. He and Colby are trading off rubbing the wood together, and even I will admit that it does have a rather sexy vibe to it, if you're into that kind of thing. But the first person to smash their names together and make a new word for them as a couple gets banned. Anyway, again, there is smoke, but there is no fire. Colby interviews that he thinks they've all had their moments to wonder what the hell they're doing out here again. Hatch interviews: "Yeah, I think I could start the fire without even blinkin'. They don't need to know that," he giggles. See, I just don't find that witty anymore. I find it really, really forced. That is a guy who has been on television just a little too much and has not aged well as a former contestant. He also comments that his fellow tribemates are all skinny, and that he will still be chunky when they are fading away. Indeed, he seems to have packed on a little weight for the trip, given how he's looked when I've seen him in the past. "I'm fine," he says. "I'm not even hungry." He pauses for maximum dramatic effect. "They could think I'm just cocky and arrogant and could last the whole game." He says. Then he looks up. "Hm. Imagine that," he snots. He just does nothing for me at this point. I'm all Hatched out. I've had my fill. I've seen his game, and now I'm done. I'm not even intrigued by his skirt. Yeah, you heard me. He's wearing a skirt. And because he wants me to pay a lot of attention to it, I don't want to.

Elsewhere at camp, as Lex works, Shii Ann apologizes for the fact that she's not doing much because she's not feeling well. Lex reassures her that she should save her strength for a challenge, should one arise. Richard then adds that he's just not working because he doesn't feel like it. Shii Ann interviews that Hatch is "totally obnoxious." She goes on to say that he's very eager to "stand out" and "be special" in the tribe, so she does seem to have nailed him as the rather pathetic attention hound that he is. Finally, as Lex is chopping wood, he turns and tells Hatch that it would be helpful if Hatch would pitch in once they get down the road a little farther. Hatch openly smirks. Lex interviews that Hatch has spent the last couple of years lecturing about how he's the best ever to play the game. Lex, Shii Ann, and Jenna have a chat about how amusing they find Hatch's plan of "lounging" around camp in order to get on their nerves. "He is the king," Shii Ann says weakly, and Lex quite correctly says, "He was the king when he was playing with a bunch of sheep." Heh. "That was like shooting fish in a barrel," he adds. "This is a whole nother thing altogether." Aside from the use of the ungrammatical phrase "a whole nother," I think Lex has Hatch's number, for sure. Shii Ann keeps up her intrigued sycophant routine, describing Hatch as "the prototype" for all of them, so obviously, everyone wants to get rid of him. We then see a quick scene where she asks him what's up with the weird going-off-by-himself routine, and he offers some really lame explanation about how it's so they can all see that he's comfortable with their scheming or something. The fact is, he's doing it to get attention and camera time, and pressed to explain it, he's got nothing. Seriously, his explanation is completely lame. For her part, Shii Ann doesn't see how it would be fun if he were gone the first day. And there's a little of the thinking that won him the game the first time. Fortunately, I don't think anyone else in her tribe shares it. Yet. Don't do that, Shii Ann. Don't keep him around for amusement.

When we return from commercials, Amazon Rob is picking up a piece of treemail. He interviews that they were thinking the challenge wouldn't be until later, but today's as good as any day: "We'll probably just be thirstier tomorrow." Heh. I missed him. He takes the new team flag back to camp, and he's wearing a dive mask. He tells the folks that he has good news and bad news. The good news is that there's another pole to sleep on (attached to the flag). He considers the dive mask to be the bad news. Boston Rob thinks the dive mask looks like a good thing. Boston Rob invites Sue over for the reading of the clue, but she remains flat on her back -- not that the grungy water is bothering her. Boston Rob reads the treacherous poetry of the week, which includes a mention of "a show of unity" -- which makes Rob pause, look over at Sue, and say, "U-NI-TY," which again, I thought was a little funny -- and ends with a mention of going to see "the man of flame." "That must be Richard Hatch," Amazon Rob offers. Hee. Amber interviews that she thinks this is an immunity challenge, but that they're also hoping they might get fire, because they certainly are having no luck. Amazon Rob, meanwhile, is all excited about the challenge because he will get to see who else is playing. And because he's as much a groupie as he is a player, that's a big moment for him.

We swoop in the direction of the immunity challenge, and are brought to a stretch of beach where Jeff is waiting. He calls in Chapera, and they stand before the Prince of Peach. He asks them if they want to know who they're playing against, and they say yes. Time to bring in Mogo Mogo. They all say hello to each other, and Amazon Rob strains for a view of Jenna M.'s boobies. Or, I should say, another view. Jeff asks Hatch if he's surprised at anyone he sees from Chapera. "Count them gone, Jeff, count them gone," he says, waving his hand dismissively. I don't know if he remembers, but he really wasn't openly contemptuous of everyone the first time the way he's being now. He was in interviews, but not so much to their faces. I think he's waaaaay overplaying his hand. He's also really not being funny, even in the way I used to think he was funny. "He hasn't changed at all, has he, Sue?" Jeff asks. She shakes her head knowingly in exasperation. Alicia comments sarcastically, "His team looks like they love him already." Jeff tells them that of course, twelve people is not enough, so there's another tribe. Come on in, Saboga. And the best part, by far, is the eye-rolling, tooth-gnashing grimace that overtakes Colby at the sight of Jerri. Or so it appears. Richard does look happy to see Rudy. Ethan, as they enter, is biting his thumbnail, because that's how nervous and aw-shucks he is. As has been the case every other time he has been on screen, I react to him with instant, instinctive hate. Everyone is also very interested in Rupert, who if the timelines I've heard can be believed, they've seen for several episodes by the time this all happens, but haven't gotten to know before.

Jeff asks the castaways what they found when they got to camp. Big Tom is all, "Nuthin'." They all acknowledge that they did get a machete and a bucket/pot, but that's it. Oh, and the map to water. Rudy tells Jeff that they can't drink the water yet, because they don't have fire. Nobody has fire, they all learn -- not even Mogo Mogo, even though Jeff openly says he's sure Hatch's team has fire by now. "So as Rudy says, the water's of no value," Jeff says. "Weeeeell," Amazon Rob interjects, and there's a great shot of all the Mogo Mogo heads turning at once to look at him. Sue says that she drank it. Jeff darkly turns to Rudy for a verdict on whether that's okay to drink the water, obviously expecting him to give an ominous warning. "Yeah," Rudy says. Everyone laughs, including Jeff. "So is it wise because it's the other tribe?" Jeff asks, touching his forehead. "Yeah," Rudy says. Snerk. Awesome. It's so good to see guys like Rudy again -- guys who are funny by accident, rather than an endless stream of Jons trying to be funny on purpose, which never works.