Having concluded the festivities and given the money to Sandra, and then having taken a break to fortify ourselves with a refreshing beer (at least that's what I did), we fade up on the reunion show proper as the Crazy Pirate Tootlers, fresh from their triumphant Yo-Ho-Hoedown Tour, make merry marauding music up on the bandstand. Wow, an electric keyboard, just like the one Blackbeard would have used. Jeff welcomes us to the show, surrounded by pirate accoutrements that were accumulated during a thousand visits to Pirates-R-Us, including a random barrel and, of course, torches and fire. Jeff is wearing what turned out to be a rather controversial brown shirt with a yellow pattern on it. I'll grant that it's got a "hey, baby, want to listen to me play the bongos? I make a mean organic guacamole" vibe that's a little cheesy for my taste. Still, it's better than much of the reality-host wardrobe I've endured over the years, some of which has caused permanent injury to my eyeballs and led me to question my faith in a just universe. Jeff points out that "all sixteen Survivors" are at the reunion. Wow. With their busy schedules, they found time to come back for one more opportunity to be on television? That is quite a scheduling coup. I was sure it would be like the Brady Bunch TV movies of the mid-1980s, where one of the actors was always off getting married or singing country music or trying to recover a scrap of dignity, and it was hard to get the entire cast together. But all sixteen survivors? This is sure to be riveting.
Our first order of business is to get to Sandra, in her Pepto-pink outfit, and for Jeff to remark on how "lippy" she was. Wow. "Lippy": The Subtly Sexist Putdown For Reality Hosts Who Think "Feisty" Isn't Dated Enough. Sandra looks sheepish at this remark from Jeff, as if being noisy is something to feel bad about, which it is not. At least, that's my unbiased opinion. Jeff asks Sandra whether her lippiness is her natural personality. "Tell it how it is, that's always been my motto," she remarks. Oh, mine, too! Well, it's my second motto, behind "If God Had Meant Margaritas To Be Made From A Soulless Mix, He Would Have Made A Little Green Fruit That Dispenses It." Jeff asks whether, as it appeared, it was Sandra's strategy to "go with the flow." She says that, indeed, it seemed like with everyone else strategizing and dancing all around each other, it wasn't worth her while to make up her own strategy; it just seemed more logical to be a vote when people needed one, as long as she wasn't the one on the block. "Everyone always had bigger fish to fry," Sandra says, quite correctly. Never forget to fry the little fish, I always say. She says her approach was always simply to secure herself another three days.
Jeff asks Sandra what it was like to watch the competition with her friends, and she says -- not unreasonably -- that the biggest embarrassment was seeing herself flake out on all the water challenges. It has not escaped Sandra's attention that she tends to look rather drowned-rat-like when she starts to get wet, which might lend a little more credence to Jon's original accusations of aquatic ineptitude than she wanted to grant at the time. She says that in an effort to save face, she always tried to distract her friends during those parts of the show. Heh. That's just what I do when old videotapes of my adolescent theatrical career resurface. ("Hey, there you are in that ugly blue dress!" "Um...look outside the window! A unicorn!") She emphasizes that she can swim in swimming pools -- but that swimming pools turned out to be quite different from swimming in the ocean. The formidable Osten -- who learned everything he knows about gritty determination from Randy "Getting Tackled Is Scary" Moss -- agrees. This makes Jeff laugh, which is by far the best response Osten will be getting from Probst all evening.
, Jeff asks about the fish-dropping incident, and the fact that Sandra allowed Christa to take the blame for it. He asks Christa whether there was any fallout from that. Christa says in her spacey way that there was no problem, which appears to mean that Christa has forgotten it now in the woozy haze of all the good times she's had since the show, some of which she appears to have had about ten minutes before coming on stage, if you get my point. "It's cool now, she's still my buddy," Christa says with a moronic grin. It never ceases to amaze and amuse me the way people on these things always pretend not to be angry after the fact, because they think it makes them look better. They are very wrong. I would respect Christa much more if she at least had the self-respect to imply that she didn't appreciate it when she first found out.
Now, Jeff turns his attention to the jury in general to inquire as to why they voted for Sandra. And to whom does he go for the jury's general opinion? To Rupert, of course. Because Rupert is the representation of all things jury. And all things Survivor, and all things good, and all things pirate, and all things so irritating that you can barely look at them without driving a nail into your eardrum for relief. "I voted Sandra just because she played the game so hard," says the King Of All Things. He allows that he and Sandra were friends, but insists that his real reasoning was that "that girl played hard." He claims that Sandra never let anyone see her playing. "And she was playing us all," he adds meaningfully. Oooooh. That was deep. I need to think about it for a minute until I can process Rupert's wisdom. Okay, I'm done.
Jeff turns to Tijuana now, eager to ask her why she defied the jury's apparent consensus -- that Lill was a Very Bad Person -- and provided the one vote that didn't go to Sandra. Tijuana says that she voted according to the answer to her final question, and that when Sandra said that Lill was the person who was responsible for everyone's ouster, Tijuana actually thought that was a point in favor of Lill, because it indicated that she played effectively. Wow, look at Tijuana, all trying to vote on game-playing merit. Silly girl. You're supposed to be voting to say something about yourself. Hasn't she ever seen the show?
Jeff turns to Lill to explore perhaps the most mystifying question of all, which is why she made the decision to take Sandra to the end instead of Jon. Well, that's the most mystifying question aside from why Lill made her hair quite that red and sproingy for the reunion when it doesn't really flatter her at all and she presumably had a few months to think about it. Lill claims that she used "[her] heart more than [her] head." (About the game, not her hair, although -- presumably, that, too.) She surprisingly does not add, "I had little choice, because my head isn't usually too much help anyway." She says that Sandra is a mom like Lill is, Sandra is a wife like Lill is...and that Jon -- "no offense" -- has nothing going on in his life except being a huge dink, and would probably spend the million bucks on 500,000 two-dollar hookers. She doesn't say the part about the hookers, but it's written all over her face. Of course, Lill said some of this same stuff during the final episode, so I don't think it's completely bogus, but she's also said she thought she would have a better chance against Sandra than against Jon, given his penchant for scheming and the respect other people might have for his style of play. I suspect that in reality, it was some of both. I think Lill hoped to beat Sandra and thought she might have a better chance, but I also think she could not abide the possibility of Jon winning if she guessed wrong. Absent a good read on who would be a better choice strategically, it was a bonus that if Lill got rid of Jon, she would at least...well, get rid of Jon. In her discussion with Probst, Lill goes so far as to claim that she didn't really expect to get votes, because she was an outcast, so it was largely a matter of giving away the money. Again, I don't believe her motives were anywhere near that pure, but I do believe she particularly didn't want to screw up and give Jon the money, so I don't think she's entirely full of it, either. It's not revisionist history so much as it is cleaned up and polished history.
Just to rub a little salt in any wound he may have been able to inflict on Lill with that little flight of fancy, Jeff asks the jury that would have been, in a Lill-Jon final, for a show of hands as to who would have voted for Lill in such a circumstance. Sandra raises her hand, as do Rupert, Christa, and Darrah. In fact, Rupert and Christa both mutter, "In a minute." That would be four votes, meaning that in theory, Lill gave up the million dollars by taking Sandra instead of Jon. Now, it's true that it's easy to say in retrospect, having seen the show, what you would do. Still, I think that, probably, those four people would in fact have voted that way, albeit while holding their noses a little. So I think Lill did probably unwittingly sacrifice the money.
And you know what else is interesting? That show of hands means that Tijuana is claiming she voted for Lill against Sandra but would have voted for Jon against Lill. Ew. What? Does that mean she would have voted for Jon against Sandra? I guess if she were going by maneuvering skill, that might hold, but...jeez, YUCK. The other people claiming they'd have voted for Jon in the fictional Lill-Jon scenario are Burton and Ryan-O...not surprising. Neither of those guys would ever own that they got beat by a middle-aged lady. In light of all these revelations, Jeff essentially asks Lill whether she feels stupid at all, and she shrugs it off, as is her only option. "I went the way my heart was," she says. "That's just Lill," she says, referring to herself in the third person, as she is wont to do, because that's a great way to endear yourself to people, provided they voted for Bob Dole. "That's not inside the game," she says, as lukewarm applause for her generosity of spirit begins. Some -- but not all -- of her tribemates applaud for her. Hey, what's it to them? They didn't lose a million bucks. Rupert leans forward and pats Lill on the back. Oh, what a relief. Thanks, Daddy!
Jeff moves on to the anxiously-awaited Ill-Lay Is A Little Utty-Nay segment, as he inquires about the fact that she seems to have taken "a beating out there, emotionally." Jeff tells Lill, as nicely as one can when one has set out to impugn the mental stability of a scoutmaster, that there were times when he thought she was coming unhinged. Though he says it a little more nicely than that, not mentioning that he himself was evidently afraid to get within fifty feet of her late in the game, lest he be swept into a maelstrom of emotion and sucked through a wormhole of wet sloppy kisses to his ultimate demise. Lill allows that Jeff has a point; she was beaten down by the experience, indeed. Not too much to say beyond that. Jeff points out, pretty much apropos of nothing, that in five of the seven seasons, the person who won the final immunity challenge hasn't won the ultimate prize. Five out of seven really isn't all that statistically significant, there, Jeff, but far be it from me to step on your line. They don't pay me to do math, after all.
Now, Jeff turns to Ryan-O for a discussion of my least favorite issue of all -- Scoutgate, or, Whether Lill Was Obligated To Be More Honest Because Of The Uniform. Ah, yes. The issue with all the moral resonance of a set of Congressional hearings. Ryan-O, like the rest of them, has no concept of how to make himself come off well in the face of defeat. He complains that, indeed, he feels that if Lill was going to wear the uniform, she should have been entirely honest and forthright. Instead, she lied, and she got him and Andrew booted (not that they didn't get her booted first), and darn it, Ryan-O just didn't think that was right. "But you lied," Jeff counters. "Yeah, I lie all the time," Ryan-O says, reminding everyone that in terms of intellect, he is pretty. Lill and Ryan-O exchange a little hand-grab here, which is a little bit endearing, in its strange way. A frustrated Jeff -- who sees that Ryan-O is closer to feeling guilty for lying himself than to recognizing the stupidity of anyone's feeling bad about lying in and of itself -- foolishly turns to Andrew for an assist: "Savage, why...?" Jeff loses his place inside his own head and starts over: "It's a game. Why, because she's a scoutmaster in real life and Ryan-O's an electrician, why is it okay for him to lie, and it's not for her?" Andrew -- as full as ever of that bland superiority that makes him just about intolerable to listen to for more than fifteen seconds -- explains that, in his opinion, the game just brings out what's already in your personality anyway. You know, the way that he, because he's a self-righteous ass in real life, was an extra-super-self-righteous ass when it came time to play the game. It's...really quite a speech. "Ryan-O is an electrician," Andrew sniffs. "He didn't have a scout uniform on, so he can lie as much as he wants." To its credit, the audience laughs at the sheer stupidity of this remark. Does Andrew even hear himself when he spouts this kind of nonsense? Does he understand that other people do hear him? Please, Andrew. Listen to yourself. And then stop talking, before it's too late.
Jeff casts around for anyone who hasn't completely lost his or her mind and therefore still remembers that one might, in theory, be able to separate being a scoutmaster at home from playing a game on an island. He also wisely mentions in passing that Lill may have been a scoutmaster, but that a number of other people are parents in their day-to-day lives, so Lill's obligation to act as a role model can hardly be considered any greater than that of anyone who has children of his own (uh, Andrew) whose moral development is his responsibility. If Andrew can tell his kids that in normal circumstances, he wouldn't lie and plot against people, Lill can presumably explain the same things to her scouts. A brave Trish hops right in on Lill's behalf to similar effect, saying that she thinks you can totally separate home life and island life, and she thinks the idea that you have to play Survivor like a scout just because you're a scout at home is completely preposterous. She adds that she thinks Lill played a great game, that it's impossible to play without doing some lying, and that Lill did probably try to be as nice as she could within the boundaries of trying to win: "I don't think it's really fair to say that she was wearing a scout uniform, so therefore she should let herself get kicked out." Word. Jeff gives props to Lill's own comment at the final tribal council to the effect that you either play the game, or you get sent home. It's a fine point to be directed at the whiners who had trouble throughout the season with other people's playing the game, which whiners shall remain nameless because they are Rupert.
Speaking of which, as we go to commercial, Jeff teases the upcoming segment, which will be the endless, bottomless, rather senseless Rupert-worship. Sigh. Rupert applauds with his Animal Muppet Grin, because people adoring him? Is awesome! And it's coming right up! Bleh.
When we return from commercials, Jeff takes us to a "Rupert Rally" in Indianapolis, where the news has apparently not yet arrived that the game is over and Rupert finished eighth. The audience screams his name, in compliance with the "Chant Rupert's Name Now" signs that are undoubtedly being waved over their heads by various production weasels. "Damn, Rupert, you have some fans!" Jeff says admiringly. Jeff gives the rundown on Rupert -- the shoe-stealing, the skirt-wearing, the fish-catching, and the way that he was a total hypocritical baby every time he didn't get his way. Oh, wait. Jeff actually forgot that last part. He only remembers to say that Rupert was "one of the most electrifying Survivors ever." Barf. In a clip, we see Rupert call himself "a thrilled pirate," and say that he's "happy happy happy." This was before the hating of everyone who wasn't willing to let him walk off with the money, I suppose. We are taken back through the shoe-stealing, undoubtedly Rupert's greatest moment ever. We revisit his theory of how being the caretaker would keep him from being voted off, which worked out to get him a great finish, of course, provided that "great" means "almost exactly average." We revisit how he secretly always feels like the loser fat kid, because that totally explains everything. Wow, more Rupert highlights! Rupert holds the rope for a long time! Rupert declares his own determination! Rupert screams! Back at the reunion, he is giggling uncontrollably at seeing himself on television, much the way four-year-old spelling prodigies do when they are on Jay Leno and can't stop looking at the off-screen monitors. Unable to quit while he's even slightly ahead, he screams. "YAAAAAH!" And then, because the audience is cheering on command, he does it again. "YAAAAAH!" Ugh. I've seen parking garages that require less validation.
Jeff asks Rupert where his infectious enthusiasm and zest for life come from. He doesn't ask where his need to strangle, berate, and patronize people comes from, because that wouldn't be within the storyline at all. Rupert chooses not to tell the truth and say something like, "It comes from my overwhelming need for attention and the difficulty I have sharing the stage with others." Instead, he says that it's just naturally the way he is. He's always been grateful for everything he has, and he just can't be any less awesome than his soul leads him to be. Jeff asks Rupert whether he had any idea he would be so popular. He claims that he had no idea. He was afraid people would see some "crazy-ass guy running around out there, thinking he was playing." Which is basically what many of us did think, of course. Jeff asks him how he got to be such a great fisherman and how he became so comfortable in the water, and Rupert explains that he's been bringing home little snakes and fish and stuff since he was a little guy, and that part, I do believe and do find kind of endearing. Even a stopped clock is appealing twice a day. Rupert says that he never expected such a great experience, even though he knew he wanted to play the game ever since he saw Hatch on TV. "I knew I could beat him!" he says enthusiastically. Everyone laughs, because it's Rupert, and if you don't laugh at Rupert and love Rupert and admire Rupert, you will be hustled into a van and taken to isolation for reprogramming. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?
Jeff -- with his usual sense of impeccable timing -- now opens up the issue of whether there's anyone who's a little tired of having everyone do nothing but pay attention to Rupert all the damn time. I mean, other than me. He calls out Shawn, whom he notes has made some comments post-show that have suggested he didn't love the fact that the whole endeavor was nothing but The Rupert Show for most of the weeks Shawn was on. Shawn does his best to demur, saying that all he was trying to say was that he thinks the show showed the best of Rupert and the worst of everybody else. Jeff refuses to let Shawn out of this as gracefully as he's let other people out of other things, insisting that Shawn answer whether he thinks the portrayal of Rupert was unfair. Shawn says no, not unfair, just not necessarily complete. Considering that here in the clipfest, they showed absolutely none of the self-righteous, controlling, downright unbalanced behavior that started to turn at least segments of public opinion against Rupert as the game progressed, it's fair to say the portrayal of him isn't going to become any more even-handed anytime soon.
But enough about Rupert. Andrew, what do YOU think of Rupert? Sigh. Andrew says that he loves Rupert. (Not the reprogramming van! NOT THE VAN!) He thinks Rupert played a great physical game, but maybe not a great mental game. Because after all, Rupert stuck with Drake and Jon, which turned out to be his downfall. Just like Andrew apparently told him it would be when he tried to get Rupert to ally with him and Ryan-O at the merge. Rupert actually nods, and he says that he should have trusted Andrew and Ryan-O, rather than staying with the ex-Drakes, as he did. Oy, nothing good can come of agreement in principle between Andrew and Rupert.
Because Jeff hasn't spent enough time yet sucking up to Rupert, he does it some MORE now, talking about how Rupert was a regular guy people could relate to. Oh, totally. I know lots of guys like that. The beard, the skirt, the screaming...he's an everyman, all right. And Jeff brings up some more about Rupert's bad self-esteem and blah dee blah, asking him essentially whether now that he's so popular and beloved among his public, he's becoming less pathologically insecure and in need of constant reassurance from others. Apparently, unlike the rest of us, Jeff can't tell the answer to this question from watching what has already occurred. Rupert claims that after he was booted, he opened up to people on the jury and whatnot, and it's been a great journey, and something something: "I could accept people taking me as okay." Whatever. Yes, Rupert learned all about himself. Rupert was the entire show, even though he made it almost exactly halfway through the eliminations. It's all. About. Rupert. Wake me up when something else happens. Well, actually, don't fall asleep, because at this point, the Rupert-sucking-up reaches truly hilarious proportions, when Jeff goes to the audience just to admire how hot Rupert's wife is. And...I mean, she's fine. She's not a troll, and she's better-looking than he is, but she's not so incredibly hot that one would need to show her in the audience just so that people can admire what a hot wife Rupert has. I normally like Jeff, but he needs to get over his obsession with Rupert, and particularly his refusal to admit that the guy has ever had a flaw in all his life. It's just completely absurd and tiresome. They need to stop following the CBS online popularity polls with such slavish devotion: Rupert is not, in fact, unanimously beloved, and it would be okay to admit that there's more to him than a big ball of teddy-bear perfection. Good God.
And now, it's time to tease the Jon segment, which will undoubtedly be almost as endless as the Rupert segment. Oy. Jeff teases the segment in part by encouraging the audience to boo Jon, which they obediently do, because they don't get that they're just giving the nitwit what he wants. Nobody should boo. Jon's like any idiot -- you have to stop reacting, and then he'll go away. And he is, of course, doing the Fairplay Fingers again. So, so lame.
Back from commercials, the Jon segment opens with the moment when Jon explained the Fairplay Fingers to Jeff. The only good thing about that is that it takes me back to when Darrah told him how repugnant he was. And that was some good times. Back at the reunion when the clip is over, Jon not only continues the fingers, but sticks his tongue out. Didn't everyone else stop doing things like that in eleventh grade? The audience indulgently boos. Again. Shut up, audience. Jeff asks Jon whether being obnoxious was his plan from the beginning. "Well, if it wasn't, I sure did screw up!" Jon says heartily with a game smile. And this is where you learn that he hasn't got the heart for the villain role at all, because he's just not nearly funny enough. This is where you find out that without editors to cull his one remotely amusing comment per week and make him appear to be relentlessly snarky, he's just kind of a weak-ass putz. "I wanted to be the most hated Survivor of all time...and I think I did a pretty good job of it," he says with a totally inappropriate smile that isn't remotely villainous. It's just...needy. That's how Jon comes off through this entire special -- just terribly, terrifically needy. He and Rupert really are two sides of the same coin, and I'll give Rupert this: I certainly prefer Rupert's route to attention-mongering to Jon's route.
Jeff allows that they've established that Jon's a hated person. "Is that you?" Jeff continues. "If I see you on the street, are you that kind of...a jackass? Or, are you, in fact, putting this on?" What's great about this moment is that Jon visibly blanches at the word "jackass," as if he expects everyone to admit that, in reality, he's just awesome and fun, and he's actually surprised to hear a genuinely insulting word spoken about himself. Jeff, of course, has chewed up six or eight more interesting villains by now, so he really shouldn't be all that impressed by Jon, and I think that's what Jon is sensing. Trying to recover, Jon says, "I'm kinda nice, but...I'm an a-hole, pretty much." Jon doesn't get nearly the laugh he's looking for; it's just kind of a murmur of chortling in the audience. Jeff asks him what the hell "Jonny Fairplay" means, anyway. Is that from before, or is it made up specifically for the show? One of the greatest moments of this hour ensues, as Jon says, "I used to do wrestling stuff before Survivor, and, uh..." And this is where he gets the laugh he was trying for a second ago, which catches him off-guard, because that -- the idea of his scrawny ass having something to do with wrestling -- isn't the part he thought was funny. "Excuse us for laughing," Jeff says, not sorry at all. Jon gives a completely unfunny explanation of how he was a bad guy, so he called himself "Fairplay," because it was...you know, ironic. Get it? DO YOU? Jeff asks Jon about the reaction he gets on the street, and Jon says that people tell him they hate him, but then when he flips them off, they like it. Jeff says it doesn't sound like Jon's done a very good job getting true hating from people. Jon says that he just wants the guys to hate him. The women should love him. He gets a kind of horrified chuckle from the crowd that makes it pretty clear that the women in the room are not exactly thinking "heartthrob."
Oh, and now, the inevitable time has come to address the non-death of Granny Fairplay. After the necessary clip-showing ("she died, dude"), we return to see Jeff out in the audience, hunched down to the famous Granny Fairplay, who is not nearly as old as you'd think. Jeff asks her if she was in on his crazy scheme, and she says evenly that she wasn't. Now, Jon made a lot of noise about how great his grandmother would think this scheme was, and although she says she doesn't blame him for it, you can pretty much tell she's a long way from loving it. Jeff asks her when it was that she found out about Jon's scheme, and she says that it was when they called her. Jeff elaborates that when the producers got this news about Granny Fairplay, they called home to see if there was anything they could do to help the Fairplay Family in its time of suffering. "You answered the damn phone," Jeff says. Hee. Jeff moves along and takes a moment to address Big Dumb Dan, who's sitting to Granny Fairplay. Big Dumb Dan admits to his role in the scam, and does the Fairplay Fingers, too. Idiot. Although I'm inclined to cut Dan some slack, because...man, what kind of a life would it be, being Jon's sidekick? Can you imagine anything that would make you feel less relevant to the universe? Jeff asks Granny if she has any kind of problem with the fact that Jon said she was dead, and although she spouts the old "outwit, outsmart, it's a game" line, she really does not look to me like she believes it. She looks embarrassed and grossed out, although that could certainly be over Jon in general as opposed to the big lie in particular. Jeff asks Jon if he has any remorse, which is a damn stupid question that Jeff loves to ask, even though he usually gets the same answer. Of course, Jon says that he has no remorse whatsoever. "Maybe All-Stars, my grandpa will die!" he says. Whatever, punk. Jeff looks at him with hate, as usual. I'm not attaching any spoiler significance to that remark, because I really can't stand to.
, Jeff asks Christa about non-dead Granny Fairplay, and whether she thinks it's possible to go too far with lying. She says that she only wishes she had thought of it -- hey, no hard feelings! Well, of course. That's the way things go. When you lose, you rewrite the script so that you didn't get screwed, even though you did. You don't mind at all! You're not the least bit bitter! It's just what you would have done! Jeff asks Lill how she feels about it, and she does the same song and dance, despite pointing out that her mother just died. I'm telling you, they're all completely full of it. They're saying it's fine, because if they admit that they think he sucks, then they're admitting that they were beaten as opposed to all participating in some kind of mutual square dance in which it only looked like some people got the better of other people. I don't believe for a minute that this is actually all right with any of these people. It's what they always do: they fake being happy and fine, and then they bitch for the ten years in their passive-aggressive manner over whatever they think they did to lose the million. That, by the way, is what I'm looking forward to the most about the All-Star edition -- a whole bunch of people who have done nothing for years but relive the moment in which they blew a million dollars, all returning determined not to make the same mistake again. Now that? Is some dramatic tension.
Jeff asks Shawn about his feelings about Jon, pointing out that the two of them almost had a fist fight. Jeff asks Shawn what kept him from hitting Jon, and Shawn says probably just the fact that he was voted off before he got around to it. Heh. Shawn goes on to say, in a way he hopes is subtle, that he thinks everyone wanted to beat Jon's skull in, so he wasn't alone, but none of them actually did it, because it's just not done. Jeff points out that there are really only two big rules in the game after all -- no hitting, and no "conspir[ing] to share the money." Therefore, was Jon hoping that Shawn might hit him and get bounced? Sure, Jon says. That would have been nifty. He also hoped maybe Rupert would hit him! Har, har! Isn't he funny? Sigh. Whatever. Isn't it over yet?
Jeff now asks Andrew what he thinks makes Jon a good player, in the sense that he went far in the game. Andrew says that Jon had "a great read on people," blah blah blah. It's Andrew, trying to make himself sound smart, as usual. He also says Jon just has an ability to lie convincingly. How observant.
up, Jeff participates in something he shouldn't by asking Jon whether he wants to say whether he "spent any time" with Nicole. Ew. She looks utterly horrified and baffled. She does laugh, which some people interpreted as an admission that it was true, but I didn't read it that way at all, and in fact, when Jon was on Howard Stern post-show, he first claimed that he did sleep with Nicole, and then later admitted that he didn't. So Nicole may have been eliminated first, but she's not a complete loser. She also says, "You little shit," which they totally didn't bleep at all, much to my semi-surprise, considering I'd think they'd give themselves at least a few seconds of delay in case of such an event. "True or not?" Jeff asks Nicole. "No," she says flatly, adding, "Come on." You know, ambushing people about dating or other things that they might secretly be happy about is one thing; ambushing them about ill-advised hookups on someone else's say-so seems a little skeevy to me, even for Survivor. Don't do that, Jeff.
Not heeding me at all, Jeff is on to another nookie rumor victim. He asks Burton whether he wants to say anything about his relationship with anyone up in the top row, hmmmm? Burton has nothing to say. "We're not allowed to do that," he says, referring to spending time together between end of taping and finale, I guess. Burton, asked again, persists in having nothing to say. Finally, Jeff lays it out -- Michelle? Michelle, anyone? Michelle insists that Burton is like a big brother to her. Write your own V.C. Andrews joke here, I guess. Wrapping it up, Jeff asks Darrah whether Jon is any more appealing now than he was the first time she turned him down. She laughs, looking disbelieving and horrified, with an unmistakable "oh, RIGHT" expression on her face. "No," she says, "he's not appealing at all." Jeff then asks Darrah how her modeling aspirations are going. Well, they're not, she explains, but she hopes that maybe soon, they will. Oh, and she's switching from being a mortician to dental hygiene. Great. Less death, more suffering.
Jeff teases that the segment will involve...Osten the quitter! Wooo! Quitter!
The Pirate Band brings us back from commercials. Jeff is in the audience with fourteen-year-old Kylie who, it turns out, invented the word puzzle Jeff screwed up that resulted in Darrah's winning her first immunity. As it turned out, she met the guy who's responsible for creating challenges, and she didn't think it sounded that hard. Therefore, she toddled off and invented the word puzzle. She reports, to no one's surprise, that seeing her challenge on television was a lot of fun, because she likes the show. They certainly do get some earth-shatteringly interesting scoopage on these reunion shows.
Through with young Kylie, Jeff moves to his favorite topic, which is that in seven seasons, they've had 112 contestants, and only one -- ONE! -- has ever quit. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is time for Let's Roast Osten's Ass Over A Slow Flame. Jeff's introduction of this segment involves the most smug, most dimple-flashing smirk I've seen in quite some time. We get the obligatory clipfest of Osten's bitching, moaning, and quitting. The best part is that we get to see Jeff say, "Per your wishes -- go home!" again, and that was definitely one of the season's highlights, obviously. Back in the studio at the reunion, Osten applauds himself. Nothing to feel silly about at all! He is proud! "Looking back on that," Jeff says, "obvious question: any regrets?" Osten fields this like the softball it is: "Not at all. Satisfied with my decision." Jeff asks him what kind of reaction he gets, and he says it's mixed. In the end, though, he says that it's just a game, and his health is more important to him than the game. Jeff comes back with the question that's on everyone's mind: "You seemed so concerned about blood in the lungs, and catching pneumonia, and...I mean, you didn't like pelicans, you didn't like bugs...was there a point where you said, 'What the hell am I doing out here? I never should have signed up for this'?" Osten chuckles, because it's all in fun, of course, as long as we all pretend Jeff doesn't really hate him. Osten, master of understatement, says that he's happy to admit he's not outdoorsy. The whole purpose in his coming on the show was strictly to win the million dollars. He tried it; it was too much for him. So, to review: Osten's not a weenie; he just quit when things became unpleasant. Got it? Didn't want there to be any confusion. Jeff asks him whether, in retrospect, he feels okay about everything. Osten assures Jeff that he feels just nifty. He's bearing up under the strain of how mean everyone is, Jeff, so he feels he has nothing to regret. Well, that's good. Nothing is sadder than a rueful weenie.
Jeff's order of business is to discuss the Outcast "twist," and the fact that some of the Survivors didn't think it was very fair. Jeff says that you can debate the fairness all day, but what he finds interesting is that Drake responded by welcoming Burton back, while Morgan responded by Andrew's reading Lill out about how unfair it was that she got to come back. He asks Andrew whether he wishes he'd handled it differently. Andrew's like, "Yes, I was an idiot." But he doesn't say it in those words. Now, Jeff turns to Ryan S. -- whom he insists on addressing as "Skinny Ryan," like, ENOUGH -- and asks him whether he'd have any advice for future contestants, given his early exit. Wait, would he really be the right person to give advice? Heh. Ryan says he thinks it's important to go in and make friends quickly. Jeff poses the same question to Trish -- anything she learned? She says that she did the best she could. She was disappointed by being the last person voted into the Outcasts and, for that reason, not feeling like she had much of a chance at getting to know them and being chosen to be voted back in.
After one more commercial break, we return for the wrap-up. Jeff encourages all of us to apply for future seasons. I think not, Jeff. He mentions the upcoming All-Star season, and the fact that it will premiere on February 1, after the Super Bowl. He pimps some paraphernalia that's going up for sale on eBay. Ah, the thrill of the marketplace -- it's the one real constant.
Aaaaaaaaand that's the season. In a month or so, we'll all be together again for the All-Star edition, so get ready for even bigger egos than usual. Imagine that.