Previously on seven seasons of Medium-Star Survivor: Oh, all kinds of good stuff. You remember it all, don't you? The scheming, the animals, the bodily functions, the dirt, the starving, the fire, the challenges, the Jeff, the hurting, the voting, the backstabbing, the crying, the undressing, the flirting, the fighting, the flaming, the nudity, the camp-raiding, the vitriolic speechifying...and it all has come to this. Ah, thank goodness for Mark Burnett's powerful sense of nostalgia. And, of course, the running dry of the wellspring of new ideas.
Familiar, overly tense music plays as a helicopter swoops in over the dusky Pacific Ocean. A woman radios someone else in subtitled Spanish that "airspace is closed and waterway is secure." Then, a voice also speaking subtitled Spanish says, "Group 1 full force escort and intercept -- utilize highest level of security."
Okay, we're about eight seconds into this show, and it's already as overblown as an Aerosmith video. How awesome is that?
We see that under a helicopter's watchful eye is a boat with a yellow top. And the incredibly top-secret boat is helpfully labeled with a Survivor logo and the word "Saboga." So no one can possibly spot them except by, you know, visual identification. , we get some kind of extra-double-classified update on the whereabouts of Group 2, and before you know it, we see a boat with the red top, just as inconspicuous, although this one says, in its giant letters, "Chapera." Group 3, logically, involves a green boat marked "Mogo Mogo." You know, world events being what they are, I'm not sure I find the whole "military escort" thing as whimsically entertaining as they intend for me to find it.
We now focus in on one particular helicopter, where we find the lovely Jeff "Nothing Starts A Morning Like A Stud McMuffin" Probst. He tells us that, once again, we are in the Pacific off the coast of Panama. He promises that this will be "the greatest Survivor yet," and then assures us that in order to achieve "top secrecy," the contestants are accompanied by military escort. I'm certainly glad they gave these soldiers something to do, what with their leisurely schedules. Jeff explains that the three boats in the water below him are each carrying six former survivors; each of those contestants has been given a canteen and "very little information." Other than "Show up; we will put your mug on television again," which was enough for most of them. Supposedly, they don't even know who's playing, other than the people who are on their own tribe on their own boat. I find that rather hard to believe, considering that you can't create a family more grotesquely incestuous than the world of former reality-show contestants unless you dip your toe into Greek mythology, but I suppose this is supposed to be part of the suspense, so we will pretend that it's true.
Jeff explains that when the tribes arrive at their respective beaches, the only thing they'll find is a single machete at each camp that they'll all have to share. Eeew, sharing! Jeff refers to this as "the least amount of supplies ever given," and that particular turn of phrase just pings my grammatical radar for reasons I can't articulate. Jeff wonders aloud whether these people will have learned from their past mistakes, or whether their old habits will come back and bite them. When he talks about being "doomed to repeat" their mistakes, they show Jerri, which is kinda funny. He also wonders whether old relationships will come back to haunt or help them, and surprisingly, we do not cut to Ethan or any of his copious exes. That seems like a missed opportunity, snarky-editing-wise. We now are flying alongside Jeff's helicopter as he leans out the side. "Thirty-nine days, eighteen All-Stars, one survivor," he says. And then his helicopter peels away from us in a shot that makes him look like an enormous bad-ass, because he is high up indeed. I mean, I'm sure he's strapped in to within an inch of his life with forty-seven ropes and a hook screwed into his hipbone, but still. Great shot.
Credits. The music is very odd. It kind of sounds like an elaborate Foley artist prank.
We swoop across the gorgeous greenery and water until we return to the boats. Jeff is ready to tell us who the All-Stars actually are, in case you haven't been on the internet in the last five months. On the Mogo Mogo tribe are the odious, boobalicious, and intolerably vain winner of Amazon; Kathy Vavrick-O'Brien, also known as the notorious P-E-E, of Marquesas; Hatch; Colby, shoulders shoulders shoulders shoulders and shoulders, of Outback ["Still love him, I have to say" -- Wing Chun]; the unsettling Lex, of Africa; and Shii Ann, the self-appointed Queen Bitch of Thailand. We see them all give hugs when they arrive on the beach, and something about watching Hatch hug Jenna Morasca makes me want to bleach something. Like, you know, my entire life.
The Saboga tribe includes Good Old Rudy, of Pulau Tiga (which they're calling "Borneo," for some reason); Tina, the goody-goody winner of Outback; Jenna Lewis, the Pretty Perky Princess of "Borneo"; the really very squicky Ethan, quasi-angelic winner of Africa; proto-bitch Jerri, of Outback; and Rupert. Freaking Rupert. Because allowing me to go more than a month without seeing him would apparently have been too damn much to ask. Bastards. They hate me.
The Chapera tribe includes the delightfully obnoxious and suddenly pectorally endowed Rob Cesternino, of Amazon; the less delightfully obnoxious but even more buff Rob Mariano, of Marquesas; the still-more-buff Alicia, of Outback; the always unpredictable Sue, of "Borneo"; Amber "Huh?" Brkich, of Outback; and Big Tom, of Africa. There is much high-fiving on the beach for these people as well.
Appropriately enough -- in what I like to think is a bow to one of the best -- the first comment of the entire season goes to Rob C., who comments that his tribe is "eclectic." "Eclectic," as always, is Optimist for "ragtag." "I can't wait to start wheelin' and dealin'," he says. There will be plenty of time for him to annoy the crap out of me later, but I do find his enthusiasm infectious. And also? Nice smile, actually. Big Tom then interviews that he realizes he's the old man of his group. I'm actually surprised when he says he's forty-eight, because that makes him, like, almost twenty years younger than my dad, and I think my dad looks younger than Big Tom, arguably. ["Yeah, that's forty-eight years of living every day twice, I think, because...wow." -- Wing Chun] "This ain't a little boys' game," he says. "It's for the big boys." Rob M. puts in that this game is "going to be so cutthroat, it's not even gonna be funny. Nobody trusts anybody." There is a pause, and we see him looking intently at his interviewer. "No-body trusts any-body, do ya understand?" he says emphatically, leaning forward. Heh. I hated him mostly, but he has always had his moments.
At Chapera's beach, the tribe opens a piece of mail attached to its planted flag. It turns out to be a map that shows both water and something called "the burnt log." There's a sixth-grade treasure map if ever there was one. I'm sure the burnt log will turn out to be important, but at this point, it's like..."Wow, sure glad they showed us where the log is." As they look at the map, Alicia interviews that the game is different, because they all know quite a bit about each other. She says that you can know better whom to be careful of, and whom you don't have to be careful of, as well as what preexisting friendships and lack thereof may already exist. She also allows that people know her temper is her weakness, and as the team walks into the woods to look for water, she voices over that everyone knows she can be had if you can find the right button to push. I have to say, I think her weakness is her stupid army-green cap. Good Lord. Way to come to Panama directly from your audition for Oliver!. The team looks for north, trying to find its way to the water. When they do find it, the water turns out to be very nasty-looking. Rob M. explains that the water is "highly contaminated," so it's very important that they boil it, which means they need to get fire. He comments that this is actually quite a bit like being dropped off in the middle of nowhere and having to fend for yourself. You know, he's got a great idea for a TV show there. He also clarifies that in addition to the machete, they did get a metal pot/bucket-type item.
As Rob M. scales a tree to chop down some fronds (impressive!), Rob C. picks up the interviewing slack, explaining that because they have nothing to build fire with at the moment, getting the shelter squared away is their primary concern. Shelter-building doesn't turn out to be quite so easy, of course, as Big Tom explains that there were multiple ideas about how to do everything, because this is the Tribe for Non-Diplomatic Personalities Only. Sue mentions, as they discuss the shelter, that she thinks they should try to get it right at the beginning so that they don't have to redo it. We then go to an interview with her in which she says -- sounding, as always, like Marge Gunderson's evil, chain-smoking cousin -- that she's sure she'll be the first to go, because she's "the most outspoooken." The shelter-building gets a little discombobulated, and Rob M. interviews that, once again, he finds himself on "the buffoon tribe." It's not particularly politic of him, but if the buffoon fits, you know? "Apparently, I'm the brains behind this operation," he says with obvious shock, which I laughed at when I first saw him say it, because he looks as surprised and chagrined by that fact as you feel. If you can't be brilliant, it's nice to at least have some glimmer of self-awareness, Jon.
We now make our way over to Saboga. Ethan voices over that he's "happy with the group." He says that there's "the mom" (Tina), "the nice guy" (Rupert), "the military guy" (Rudy), "the hot chick" (Jerri), and so forth. Yes, sir, Ethan's got everyone lined up by stereotype, so he's ready to roll. It really does take a person of some substance to look at someone of Jerri's almost blindingly strong personality and have nothing to say about her except "hot chick." No wonder he went for Jenna Morasca. "It's amazing that all these different styles of play are going to come together." Oh, is it, Ethan? Is it amazing? That so many cardboard characters can coexist on a single beach? Tell me about it, stud. [Eye-roll.] The team looks for water, and Tina hollers to Rudy to help them read the map. "What do I look like, Magellan?" he asks, as he approaches. Hee hee, Rudy said "Magellan." The only thing that could have improved that line would have been saying "Amerigo Vespucci," because I always favor going slightly weirder, where possible. Tina voices over that she's doing the show again because it's "part of her being," and if that's true, it's very, very sad. She insists that it's "not about the money," so obviously, she's likely to be gracious later if it turns out that somebody doesn't want to hand her another million dollars, right? Right? Oh, I'm sure she will. Anyway, she lectures that it's "all about life experiences," and that when she goes to her grave, she'll have a million of 'em! Right! She'll know she was on TV! Twice! Whatever, Tina.
As if you didn't know what a dink Ethan is yet, he calls Rupert "Ruprecht," which means he wasn't even watching S7 before they left to come down here, which is a pretty good indicator of laurel-resting. Are you really surprised? ["Do we know for sure that the seventh season had started airing before they started filming the eighth, though? I thought it hadn't." -- Wing Chun] Rupert quietly interviews that he's "the new guy," and that he doesn't know the rest of these people, whereas they all do know each other. He says that his current plan is to "stand back and let all these egos decide what we do." Heh. Now, see? If he had been this wise about his own season, he might very well have won. If he remains non-blustery and non-entitled for an entire season, he might change my view of him entirely. (I will admit it is not likely.) He acknowledges in an interview that this is a new strategy for him. Yeah, no kidding. Bullying didn't turn out as well as he expected, I guess. Jenna L., meanwhile, happily points out to Rupert some highly unripe bananas that are up in a tree. She interviews that when she saw the people in her tribe on the boat, she was ecstatic. She sees Jerri and Rupert as good allies for her, and Rudy as a good one as well. She thinks it will be easy to convince them to get rid of Tina and Ethan. Yep. That's certainly what I'd do. Provide two obvious boots, you save yourself for potentially several rounds. ["That's exactly why I thought past winners shouldn't be included in this thing: they're most likely to get picked off first because they've already won once, so that's boring." -- Wing Chun]
Jerri has a different problem. She's not too crazy about having been put on a tribe with Tina, a woman already known not to like her. "I'm going to try this new strategy of mine," she says, "and that's to keep my damn mouth shut." Wow, reality TV really is educational. Saboga makes it to their water well, and Rudy starts drinking it right away, until they stop him and tell him it needs to be boiled. Jerri stresses in an interview that there are "brain parasites that will put you in a coma." There are way too many jokes there. Just way, way too many. I am overwhelmed. In an interview, however, Rudy says that he's had bad water all over the world, and that he doesn't think this is going to be any worse. I kind of dig what I read as an "I'm seventy-six years old; if I go, I go" attitude. I like the idea of saying to bacteria, "Oh, what are you going to do to me?"
There is musical yelling, and then we make our way to Mogo Mogo. There, everyone is negotiating with exaggerated diplomacy -- sort of the opposite of the Chapera attitude -- about where to put the shelter. Lex admits in an interview that he's been thinking about the game ever since its last day. I have to say, I think most of these people are the same way. These kinds of games attract very competitive people, and if you don't win, you spend every day of your life reliving what you think is the moment that lost you a million dollars. It doesn't surprise me to hear Lex say he's a little haunted by it. His tattoos still creep me out, though. I can't stop thinking "needles-needles-needles" every time I see him. Eck. ["Yeah, that dude is trying too hard to look like a bad-ass." -- Wing Chun]
Back at camp, Colby talks about the best way to build the shelter, and then in an interview, he comments, "No one's ever come back to play this game twice." That's right, you know. In the entire three-and-a-half years of this show's storied history, this has never happened! He talks about how the game is different psychologically, as we see Hatch with his arms around all the girls. Colby interviews that they all know "how bad it gets" and "how long this road is." Well, not all of them know how long the road is. Some of them know how long, like, half the road is. But anyway. Jenna interviews that they're all "morons" for returning to these horrible conditions and starving together. She should speak for herself, although in this case, I'd agree with her. Whether other people are morons or not, I certainly agree that Jenna is a moron, and ever was, and ever shall be. She and Kathy take a stroll on the beach, in which they hypothesize that Richard, Colby, and Lex are working on an alliance. Jenna has apparently abandoned her strategy of writing off older women as jealous, saggy losers, which I'm sure Kathy appreciates. As they talk, Shii Ann runs to catch up with them. She isn't a jealous, saggy loser either! She wants to come, too!
Back at Camp Mogo Mogo, the men discuss the fact that the girls are probably off making an alliance as they speak. In the course of this, Hatch calls Colby "honey." Then, in an interview in which he overenunciates everything in some kind of grand new quasi-accent, he explains that people are "paranoid," which is perhaps right where he wants them. As the Bassoon of Isn't He Clever honks in the background, Hatch says that he "ought to be [paranoid] as well," and then he dramatically makes a contemptuous little "pffft" noise. Hatch is rapidly going to learn -- or at least the rest of us are -- that a little bit of that goes a long way. He's in more danger than anyone else in this game so far of overplaying his gimmick to the point where he becomes a silly caricature, and the more he does that, the less likely I think he is to win. Guy's had a few too many people call him brilliant, I think. Meanwhile, Shii Ann mutters to Kathy that she thinks Colby and Lex have a plan. Kathy and Shii Ann get into this strategy talk a little bit, but as Kathy then interviews, they never think to look around and see if anybody's listening. Hatch, instead of taking advantage of what he now knows, would rather have the glory moment, so he comes out of the bushes and nyaah-nyaahs to Kathy that he just overheard their entire conversation. Kathy, chagrined, interviews that with all this revealed, she and Hatch returned to camp and got everything out of the way.
Indeed, back at Mogo Mogo where the shelter is being built, an interesting conversation follows. Hatch tells the guys how the girls were scheming because they thought the boys were scheming, and Lex suggests that they all just put aside the scheming and work on camp stuff, because there will be plenty of time for treachery later. Lex's nipple ring says that they should just worry about winning the challenges and doing their work, and worry about voting when voting comes up. Everyone looks at each other for a minute. Time passes. And then Colby says, "I don't trust any of you sons-a-guns," and everyone laughs. Heh, even me. Yeah, when it hits just the right note, the wild paranoia really is a little bit funny. ["Did I mention I still love Colby? I do!" -- Wing Chun] Colby goes on to say men, women, whatever -- he thinks they're all snakes. Heh. Hatch interviews that he's "figuring out how to play" this "different game." Apparently, he's going with "annoy the crap out of everyone" as an opening gambit. He says that he's a "big-ass target" (oh, write your own joke), so he's just trying to "stir the pot a little." Hey! Do not do the dance, Hatch.
Shii Ann and Jenna come over to talk to Hatch about trying to start a fire with a rock and the machete. He's busy frolicking in the water. As he starts to emerge to talk to them, Shii Ann asks whether he's naked. "Wouldn't that be shocking?" he deadpans, just as his goodies surface. "Yeah, he's naked," Shii Ann mutters. She and Jenna beat a hasty retreat. "That's enough," Shii Ann mutters some more. We get one last naked-Hatch shot before the segment ends. I really don't need much of this; it's really not that funny, the nudity. The odd thing is that he does it as an aggressive, unsettling behavior, and the best thing the women could do if they want him to stop it? Is to ignore it. Unfortunately, this does not seem to be something that's going to happen.
After commercials, we return, where it is still Day 1 at Chapera, and the fire efforts are continuing. Tom and Boston Rob are wildly rubbing wood on wood, while Amber and Amazon Rob do the blowing. That is the dirtiest sentence about camping ever. Nothing doing, fire-wise. Alicia looks around despondently. She interviews that they need fire in order to boil water, and that the first team to get fire and water is going to have a huge advantage from the start.
Sue tells the rest of the crew that she tried making fire back during her own season, and that she knows that she just isn't the fire-making type. "All right, there's that positive attitude we're looking for," sighs a frustrated Boston Rob. She insists that she killed herself for two days straight trying to start a fire, and they've only just started, so they don't know how she feels. Big Tom interviews with some irritation that Sue won't help with the fire, because she insists she tried it last time. "Well, this ain't last time," he says. "This is this time." He's a deep and profound thinker, to be sure.
We now see the non-fire-starting Sue, sporting quite the impressive wedgie, walking up to the water well. She interviews that she will not even let herself approach dehydration, because it's such a hard thing to come back from once you go down that road. We see her take a coconut, dip out the skunky water, and drink deeply. She explains that she lived in Canada for six years and drank water directly from the lake and that didn't hurt her any, so she fears no brain-paralyzing amoebas. ["A lake in Canada and a standing pool of water in Panama are exactly the same, by the way." -- Wing Chun] "The way I see it," she says, "I've drank enough beaver poop in my life that my body can handle whatever might be growin' in there, eh?" Yes, and that's why beaver poop is so often used as an antibacterial agent. The hospital formula is especially potent. Back at camp, Rob M. asks Sue if she really drank the well water. Yes, she confirms, she did. "Rob," she says, "I've probably dranken [sic] worse water." Alicia asks her how much she had, and Sue confirms that it was several coconuts full, until she was too full to drink any more. "Can anybody say 'dumb-ass'?" Rob asks. Well, the audience can, I think. To you, even. Boston Rob laughs, and then turns in the vague direction of the cameras and crew and says, "Oh my God."
In an interview, Boston Rob explains why he even cares what happens to Sue. "If you get sick and you have to check out of this game," he says, "you're leavin' five other people here to do the job of six." Hee. Yeah, he doesn't care if she gets brain-paralyzing amoebas, but she'd better be around to do her share of the wood-chopping. Big Tom says back at camp that if Sue's going to die, he doesn't want her body left at camp, because it will make a mess. She is so inconsiderate.
Merry drums bring us back to Saboga. There, an equally intense fire-producing effort is ongoing. Rupert is able to produce smoke, but no fire. I think there's a good metaphor there. He interviews that they, too, need fire so that they can boil water. Out in the water, he interviews that they could make like Rudy and just drink it, but that he's not inclined to go for that option. "None of us want [sic] to die," he rasps. Heh. As it turns out, Ethan can't make fire, either. He does make a lot of attention-gathering grunting noises, though, and I'd say that's pretty symbolic as well. Jenna L. interviews that they got excited every time they saw a puff of smoke, but that they were never able to make it into anything. Rudy is trying a bow-based method of producing friction. "This is the right way," he says. Unfortunately, when he actually tries to put it into practice, he snaps the bow in half. Hee. For some reason, I am finding this episode unreasonably funny. Perhaps I've been drinking. "Unless God strikes a log around here with lightning," Jenna says, "we might never get fire." (God: "Don't look at me.")
Out in the water, Jerri and her down-to-there blue zipsuit say to Rupert that the tribe needs something "to give [them] some hope." She says she's getting a little worried, and Rupert agrees that he's "worried as hell." Jerri interviews that they're all just starting to realize that nobody's going to save them -- they all have to save themselves. Dude. That is deep. It's like one of the many addiction/recovery episodes of , but with less styling gel.
Richard and Rudy sit to each other on the beach as Rupert tries to regroup. As a drop of sweat drips from Rupert's forehead, Rudy has something to say: "You know, I think me and you oughtta think about an alliance." Rupert looks over at him. "You're a man of your word, too, from what I know of you," Rupert tells Rudy. "Yeah," Rudy says. "I am, too," Rupert says. Rudy nods. Look out, Toastmasters, here come Rudy and Rupert! Rupert interviews about this exchange, saying that they're both men of their words, and that they can take each other to the end, provided that an alliance of two turns out to be big enough, I guess. He also grinningly credits Rudy for "looking right through" his "tie-dyed and hippie" image to the person he really is. Because it's all about Rupert's Voyage of Self-Discovery, of course. Rudy tells Rupert that in case he's not aware, Tina and Ethan are "good buddies," and Jerri and Jenna are "good buddies," so the two of them are hosed unless they take steps to protect themselves. Rudy interviews, in a somewhat less moist fashion, that he and Rupert gave their eternal loyalty to each other, so it's all cool now. They walk on the beach, and Rupert interviews that he was impressed with the fact that Rudy keeps his word. They're in loooove. That's how I feel whenever anyone sees through my tie-dyed, hippie exterior, too.
Night falls. There is the moon. There is sunrise at Chapera. Boston Rob complains that he's "dyin'," because he didn't sleep the night before. He says that constantly rolling over and getting bitten was too much for him (stop sleeping to Amber -- rimshot!), and that he's not doing it for another night. He interviews that last night was worse than any night he ever spent in Marquesas. He also says that, had he been in charge of shelter-building, he'd have done it quite differently. "I'm in construction; I know what I'm doin'," he says. Alicia, however, argues to the group and in her interview that she doesn't even want to touch the shelter to change it until they've got the fire thing (and thus the water thing) knocked. Boston Rob says that he's perfectly willing to work on the fire, but that he also feels that the shelter needs significant work. Amber agrees with Rob (duh) that the shelter is miserable, but Alicia interviews that all six of them are without water, while only Rob and Amber can't sleep, so she thinks the math on which is more pressing is fairly easy to do. Rob tells Alicia that they have already given a lot of effort to the fire, and she spits that he's been giving up, which he insists isn't the case. "We're physically exhausted," he says as she walks away from him. Because she has nothing to say, Alicia escapes the conversation by claiming the high road and accusing Rob of yelling, which he's...really not doing. He tells her that he's just not going to go through another night without sleep.
Big Tom, in an interview: "I never heard so much crybaby titty-suckin' in all my life." HA! I didn't know you could say "titty-suckin'" on TV. I guess you can, as long as it's not sexy. Thus? Big Tom, Obscenity Pioneer. He goes on to mock everyone for being so whiny about the conditions. "They're gonna hafta toughen up a li'l bit," he says. Alicia, meanwhile, quizzes Sue and finds that she thinks the shelter is fine, and that's all the information Alicia needs. She declares that the other people can sleep, so she's done worrying about the shelter. Boston Rob calmly interviews: "What can I say about Alicia? She's a drama queen. You want the facts, you come to Mariano, you get it as it is. She's a drama queen." Heh. I know I'll hate him in under three episodes or however long it takes for him to grow a mustache, whichever is shorter, but he's kind of entertaining me right now. In an interview, Alicia sees things differently. "Who made Rob master of this camp and Amber his little in-pocket girl?" That clip certainly made it look like it was Alicia, not Rob, who was trying to be master of the camp, but I can't speak to what else he might have done. I also don't understand why they couldn't have, say, three people work on the shelter and three work on water. Is this Starting Over, where you're graded on your team-building exercise instead of actually having to accomplish anything? How many people does it take to make fire, anyway?
Elsewhere, as they gather logs, Boston Rob asks Amber if she wants to be in an alliance with him. It does not come with a ring. She's not sure at first whether he's serious, but he assures her that he is. "It's just we can't make it obvious at all," he admonishes her. "Like, I'm carryin' logs with you right now? That's gotta end." Okay, I thought that was sort of funny, too. I am an easy target tonight, I think. I've been watching too much American Idol. He asks Amber if she wants to be his ally, and she says she does. He interviews that he started the alliance with Amber "for obvious reasons...she's beautiful." Ohhh...right. Boston Rob. I remember you, and why I will eventually hate you. He insists that he will keep his word to her: "I trust her, I don't think she's going to screw me." Oh, Boston Rob. I beg to differ.
It is Day 2 at Mogo Mogo, and Lex's earrings are jangling happily as he tries to make fire. He and Colby are trading off rubbing the wood together, and even I will admit that it does have a rather sexy vibe to it, if you're into that kind of thing. But the first person to smash their names together and make a new word for them as a couple gets banned. Anyway, again, there is smoke, but there is no fire. Colby interviews that he thinks they've all had their moments to wonder what the hell they're doing out here again. Hatch interviews: "Yeah, I think I could start the fire without even blinkin'. They don't need to know that," he giggles. See, I just don't find that witty anymore. I find it really, really forced. That is a guy who has been on television just a little too much and has not aged well as a former contestant. He also comments that his fellow tribemates are all skinny, and that he will still be chunky when they are fading away. Indeed, he seems to have packed on a little weight for the trip, given how he's looked when I've seen him in the past. "I'm fine," he says. "I'm not even hungry." He pauses for maximum dramatic effect. "They could think I'm just cocky and arrogant and could last the whole game." He says. Then he looks up. "Hm. Imagine that," he snots. He just does nothing for me at this point. I'm all Hatched out. I've had my fill. I've seen his game, and now I'm done. I'm not even intrigued by his skirt. Yeah, you heard me. He's wearing a skirt. And because he wants me to pay a lot of attention to it, I don't want to.
Elsewhere at camp, as Lex works, Shii Ann apologizes for the fact that she's not doing much because she's not feeling well. Lex reassures her that she should save her strength for a challenge, should one arise. Richard then adds that he's just not working because he doesn't feel like it. Shii Ann interviews that Hatch is "totally obnoxious." She goes on to say that he's very eager to "stand out" and "be special" in the tribe, so she does seem to have nailed him as the rather pathetic attention hound that he is. Finally, as Lex is chopping wood, he turns and tells Hatch that it would be helpful if Hatch would pitch in once they get down the road a little farther. Hatch openly smirks. Lex interviews that Hatch has spent the last couple of years lecturing about how he's the best ever to play the game. Lex, Shii Ann, and Jenna have a chat about how amusing they find Hatch's plan of "lounging" around camp in order to get on their nerves. "He is the king," Shii Ann says weakly, and Lex quite correctly says, "He was the king when he was playing with a bunch of sheep." Heh. "That was like shooting fish in a barrel," he adds. "This is a whole nother thing altogether." Aside from the use of the ungrammatical phrase "a whole nother," I think Lex has Hatch's number, for sure. Shii Ann keeps up her intrigued sycophant routine, describing Hatch as "the prototype" for all of them, so obviously, everyone wants to get rid of him. We then see a quick scene where she asks him what's up with the weird going-off-by-himself routine, and he offers some really lame explanation about how it's so they can all see that he's comfortable with their scheming or something. The fact is, he's doing it to get attention and camera time, and pressed to explain it, he's got nothing. Seriously, his explanation is completely lame. For her part, Shii Ann doesn't see how it would be fun if he were gone the first day. And there's a little of the thinking that won him the game the first time. Fortunately, I don't think anyone else in her tribe shares it. Yet. Don't do that, Shii Ann. Don't keep him around for amusement.
When we return from commercials, Amazon Rob is picking up a piece of treemail. He interviews that they were thinking the challenge wouldn't be until later, but today's as good as any day: "We'll probably just be thirstier tomorrow." Heh. I missed him. He takes the new team flag back to camp, and he's wearing a dive mask. He tells the folks that he has good news and bad news. The good news is that there's another pole to sleep on (attached to the flag). He considers the dive mask to be the bad news. Boston Rob thinks the dive mask looks like a good thing. Boston Rob invites Sue over for the reading of the clue, but she remains flat on her back -- not that the grungy water is bothering her. Boston Rob reads the treacherous poetry of the week, which includes a mention of "a show of unity" -- which makes Rob pause, look over at Sue, and say, "U-NI-TY," which again, I thought was a little funny -- and ends with a mention of going to see "the man of flame." "That must be Richard Hatch," Amazon Rob offers. Hee. Amber interviews that she thinks this is an immunity challenge, but that they're also hoping they might get fire, because they certainly are having no luck. Amazon Rob, meanwhile, is all excited about the challenge because he will get to see who else is playing. And because he's as much a groupie as he is a player, that's a big moment for him.
We swoop in the direction of the immunity challenge, and are brought to a stretch of beach where Jeff is waiting. He calls in Chapera, and they stand before the Prince of Peach. He asks them if they want to know who they're playing against, and they say yes. Time to bring in Mogo Mogo. They all say hello to each other, and Amazon Rob strains for a view of Jenna M.'s boobies. Or, I should say, another view. Jeff asks Hatch if he's surprised at anyone he sees from Chapera. "Count them gone, Jeff, count them gone," he says, waving his hand dismissively. I don't know if he remembers, but he really wasn't openly contemptuous of everyone the first time the way he's being now. He was in interviews, but not so much to their faces. I think he's waaaaay overplaying his hand. He's also really not being funny, even in the way I used to think he was funny. "He hasn't changed at all, has he, Sue?" Jeff asks. She shakes her head knowingly in exasperation. Alicia comments sarcastically, "His team looks like they love him already." Jeff tells them that of course, twelve people is not enough, so there's another tribe. Come on in, Saboga. And the best part, by far, is the eye-rolling, tooth-gnashing grimace that overtakes Colby at the sight of Jerri. Or so it appears. Richard does look happy to see Rudy. Ethan, as they enter, is biting his thumbnail, because that's how nervous and aw-shucks he is. As has been the case every other time he has been on screen, I react to him with instant, instinctive hate. Everyone is also very interested in Rupert, who if the timelines I've heard can be believed, they've seen for several episodes by the time this all happens, but haven't gotten to know before.
Jeff asks the castaways what they found when they got to camp. Big Tom is all, "Nuthin'." They all acknowledge that they did get a machete and a bucket/pot, but that's it. Oh, and the map to water. Rudy tells Jeff that they can't drink the water yet, because they don't have fire. Nobody has fire, they all learn -- not even Mogo Mogo, even though Jeff openly says he's sure Hatch's team has fire by now. "So as Rudy says, the water's of no value," Jeff says. "Weeeeell," Amazon Rob interjects, and there's a great shot of all the Mogo Mogo heads turning at once to look at him. Sue says that she drank it. Jeff darkly turns to Rudy for a verdict on whether that's okay to drink the water, obviously expecting him to give an ominous warning. "Yeah," Rudy says. Everyone laughs, including Jeff. "So is it wise because it's the other tribe?" Jeff asks, touching his forehead. "Yeah," Rudy says. Snerk. Awesome. It's so good to see guys like Rudy again -- guys who are funny by accident, rather than an endless stream of Jons trying to be funny on purpose, which never works.
Jeff explains the challenge, which is a version of the old "Quest for Fire," the first challenge they ever did. Each team starts on a floating platform. The players then dive down to release a raft by unfastening two clips. They then take torches found on the raft and use them to light a series of "woks" (is that right?) found on the way back to the beach. When all the woks are lit, they drag the raft up on the beach, and then they have to pass the raft and all the team members under a low platform. After they get under the platform, they light one more wok and hit the mat. The first two tribes to finish will both win immunity. The immunity idol, predictably, is a two-part statue, because two teams win immunity. Surprisingly, Jeff feels obligated to explain what winning immunity means and what tribal council is, which...yeah, Jeff. Just get on with it. They've all explained this to their grandmothers a hundred times. The contestants all swim out to their platforms.
Just as they're about to jump in for the swim, Hatch tears off his kilt so that he's buck naked. Jenna, standing right behind him, rolls her eyes, all, "Is that necessary?" And I normally don't feel Jenna's pain, but in that situation, I do, and her expression does call for some understanding. They all dive in, with my favorite part being Jenna's careful effort to get in the water without getting a face full of Hatch ass. She's like, "He didn't even get any peanut butter!"
First to get the raft freed, surprisingly enough, is apparent underdog Chapera. Mogo Mogo is , and Saboga is dragging out behind. CBS reported somewhere on its site, and it does appear, that part of the reason Saboga gets behind is that Rupert fails to realize the raft is already free and of course takes it upon himself to be the one to dive down and try to free it. It goes about that way for the rest of the way back to the beach -- Chapera and Mogo Mogo roughly tied, with Saboga behind. Interestingly, Jenna L. left a lot of folks with the impression that she was "sitting on the raft" while they were trying to move, but she appears to be mostly trying to keep the torch up out of the water and make sure it doesn't go out, because she is indeed the one who does most of the lighting. It might not be smart to lean on the raft like that, but I don't think her purpose was to ride rather than swim, and she's not up on it consistently, because you can see her come up and out of the water a couple of times when she goes up to light the woks. She does wind up sitting down on it right when they hit the beach, but only because she falls backwards onto it holding the torch in one hand and trying to help carry the raft with the other. She may have done a lot of other bad things, but I really don't think she ever rode or sat on the raft on purpose. At any rate, once they get to shore, the torch gets wedged at one point, and Ethan yanks it out (so at least he did that well), and then it's just everybody trying to get their rafts passed under the platform and get to the other side. The first tribe to finish is indeed little Chapera, and they enjoy their celebration. Mogo Mogo follows not long after, so it will be Saboga going to tribal council. Jeff tells Saboga that it will be their turn to vote the following night, and that somebody will have to go home.
Because Chapera crossed first, they get to light the Burning Man sculpture thing on fire, and it makes me laugh way too hard that news of this makes Boston Rob do his "stir the pot" dance while Sue Hawk wiggles happily behind him. Not quite the tableau one might have expected, the ecstatic celebrating of Sue and Rob. They light the large sculpture of Flame Man. They dance around him.
DUM! DUM! DUM DUM DUM DUM! The music on this show is always so intense.
We return from commercials to watch happy Chapera walk along their beach, still reliving their triumph. "The reason we won that, we played as a team," Boston Rob offers, and they all agree. He points out that even though they've had their issues at camp, they put it all aside and made the challenge work. "We're the biggest bunch-a misfit survivors you can put together from seven seasons," he interviews, and...there's a sense in which it's true. There are certainly no shiny iconic contestants like Ethan (ick) or Hatch (bleh) or Colby (meh) ["Watch it" -- Wing Chun] or Jenna Morasca (barf). Boston Rob says that nobody expects them to be successful, so it's kind of cool that they were. They continue basking in their glory as Amber points out that they won the very first challenge on the very first all-star edition of the very first reality show on the very first television network of the very first planet in the very first...well, you get the idea. Boston Rob points out that they came back with a positive attitude, but what they really need, still, first, last, and always, is fire, so that they can get some water in them.
Saboga. Day 3. Many unhappy people are looking around. Jenna L. says that it's "horrible" being the first ones who have to go to tribal council. Then she says "horrible" again, in case you missed it the first time. She and Jerri sit around with Rupert and Rudy. She tells Rupert frankly that she thinks it's best to get rid of the two winners first. "I don't want to see them get another million dollars," she says. Jerri says with some guilt that she's sort of looking forward to it if they can actually boot a winner, because the winners have never learned what losing is like. Rupert is noncommittal. Jenna interviews that she's still not sure she knows what Rupert is going to do. "He could be playing a bigger game than I think," she says. "You can't take anything anyone says for what it means," she adds, and that isn't quite what she meant to say, but I'll give it a pass. Because , we see her talking to Ethan. Smug, annoying Ethan, that is. "You're a very strong member of the tribe," she says to him matter-of-factly, "but you're also a winner, Ethan." He tries to convince her that this is an advantage -- that she should take him to the final two because no one would vote for him.
Now sit and be amazed. Ethan is, later on, going to ream Jenna L. for daring to say that she would not vote for a past winner. However, here, when it benefits him, Ethan is perfectly happy to tell her that naturally, no one is going to vote for a former winner, which is his argument for why she should take a winner to the final two. He knows damn well that what she's saying about not wanting to hand the money to someone else is perfectly natural and understandable, and he knows that there will be a perfectly natural tendency not to want to reward winners again. He's not really surprised or put off by that when he hears it; he's just trying to manipulate her and make her feel like shit.
Anyway, Ethan patronizingly tells Jenna L., "You gotta be silly not to bring a winner to the final two." Wait, you expect her to think final two? Now? Are you out of your mind? He is so full of crap. She tells him plainly -- since he's pushing the issue and arguing that she should keep him because he's a winner -- that she actually sort of wants to boot him because he's a winner. And Ethan, my dear, there is no freaking way to argue that one of those things is any more rational or fair than the other. If you can be kept because you're a winner, you can be tossed because you're a winner. You're busted, asshole. "You honestly think that?" he says, trying to seem hurt. She says she does. Heh, good for her. I loved that. He is such a dick, and she sees right through it. If you don't read the forums (or any forums, or the internet, or TV Guide), you might not know that they once dated, and that scene smacked to me of her having been through his bullshit quite a number of times before, and being quite through with it, thank you very much. I think Ethan is deeply untrustworthy.
Jenna L. says in an interview that none of the former bootees want to give the money to a winner, whether any of them wants to admit it or not. "Sorry, guys," she says, addressing the imaginary winners, "get the hell off our playing field. It's our game now." Yep. Seems about right.
Later, Tina tries to get Ethan -- who is wearing an assy black hat with his yellow t-shirt, like, nice look, moron -- to vote against Jenna. She crybabies in an interview that she and Ethan have to stick together because they're such big targets. Boo hoo. "What to do, what to do," she says on the beach, and I cannot improve on Eagle-Eyed Forum Poster DuchessKitty's description of the way her face is so gaunt and nasty-looking that she looks like a character from The Dark Crystal. Hee. ["She does. And has she had ear-enlargement surgery since she was on the show? Because damn." -- Wing Chun] She says she hopes she and Ethan can pull in Rupert and "kind of surprise everybody" at tribal council.
Ethan tries to work Rupert over out in the water. He tells Rupert that he and Tina would like to have an alliance with him. "I mean, you watched Jenna and Jerri, you saw how they played last time," he says. Well...they were both extremely annoying, but actually, they were both pretty faithful to their alliances, as I recall. I'm not sure Ethan has much of an argument that they played dirty or can't be trusted. Unlike, say, Tina, who was a total backstabber. "They don't play the way you play," says Ethan, sucking up to Rupert in a patently phony way that probably would have worked on Rupert the first time he played, but isn't working so well now. "I will give you my woooord," Ethan says majestically, as if he thinks Rupert will start chanting, "One of us, one of us," and just hand over the million. "I held true to my promises; that's the way I work," he says. Funny how nobody likes him, then, isn't it? I mean, for a guy who wants you to think he's such a sweetheart, he sure doesn't seem to have many friends.
Anyway, Ethan leaves Rupert with some nonsense about thinking "long-term," and then this interminable festival of bullshit is over at last. Rupert despairs in an interview that Jerri and Jenna are pushing in one direction, and Ethan and Tina are pushing in the other. He thinks he has some sway over Rudy's vote, so he's trying to decide what to do. All he knows is that he's sticking with Rudy. We see him sit and work on something or other while Ethan and Tina watch him like hawks. Saboga strides across the beach to begin making its way to tribal council.
The sun sets. Kind of fast, actually. Then we are in the middle of an insane thunderstorm, and the castaways are plodding in the pouring rain toward the fire pit. Apparently, the fire pit and torches are unaffected by the rain, which is nice. Jeff welcomes them to "a very wet tribal council," which he explains is in a suspended treehouse. That would seem to be using a very broad definition of "treehouse," but I tend to cut Jeff a lot of slack, because he has to see a lot of these people, and I feel for him. He tells them all to take a torch, walk up to the pit, and get fire. He reminds us that "fire represents life." Some things never change. I would like to see a season someday where, like, mashed potatoes represent life, or bug spray represents life. Once everyone is seated, Jeff smilingly acknowledges that it's the rainy season, so there's going to be a certain amount of this. He asks them how this experience compares to others, and Jerri calls this round "total hell." Jeff then asks Rupert about the fact that he got home from S7 and pretty much turned around to come back out. Is Rupert sorry he made that decision? Rupert admits that a part of him wonders why the hell he came back. But as always, he has a highly gregarious explanation for why he does everything, so he explains that he had to, for his wife and daughter. Because Rupert is still all about not thinking of himself, you know. "Maybe I can do better this time," he growls. Jeff now notices that Jerri has cupped her hands to collect rainwater -- that's how thirsty she is. She confirms that she's finding the lack of water very difficult, and that getting by without water is a lot harder than getting by without food. Jenna, meanwhile, is letting the water soak into her buff and then squeezing it into her mouth, which is fine, except in that God only knows where that buff has been and what other material it may have hiding between the fibers. Ew. I'm not sure "drink your own filth" is a strategy I'd want to embrace on Day 3. A truly soaked Jeff asks Rudy how this tribe stacks up against the other two. Rudy acknowledges that he thinks it's "a good bunch of people." "I'm seventy-five," he says. "I ain't what I used to be. I wish I was twenty-three. But I'm not. But these guys are all...they're good."
Jeff moves on to a discussion of "liabilities." Rudy has acknowledged being the old guy; now Jeff wants to know whether Ethan thinks that he has liabilities. Ethan mentions having won before. Jeff asks if this is because people respect that this means you're a good player, and Ethan says it's partly that, and it's partly what he refers to as "payback." He, of course, is completely missing the point. It's not payback, Ethan. It's not vengeful; it's quite logical.
Let me provide this analogy. You randomly come into possession of a million dollars, but you cannot keep it. You have to give it away. You are given a group of fifteen people, and you are told that you have to choose one of them to give it to. No other choices are possible. All of the people have some qualities you like and some qualities you don't like; all could make a case for what they'd do with a million bucks if they had it. You are also told, by the way, that this experiment has already been run twice, and two of them have already been given a million dollars. Would you give it to either of those people? Because I think I wouldn't. I mean...money in Survivor isn't really won; it's given. You only get it if other people don't vote you out. They have to, in essence, hand it to you. If they, as a group, deny it to you, you can't get it. So if I were in Jenna L.'s situation, and I had the chance to give it to one of seventeen other people if I didn't win it myself, you bet your ass I would skip giving it to the same people who got it last time. Especially if they were smug assholes.
Jeff asks Jenna if she can think of a scenario in which there could be an ex-winner and a non-winner where she would vote for a winner. She says no. Now, of course, she's choosing from a very specific pool of former winners and a very specific pool of non-winners. In part, I would tend to agree with her because there's no freaking way I would give it to any of these winners. It's not clear that I would agree with her if Sandra were there, because I might at least consider Sandra in place of one of the winners. But that's not one of Jenna's options. What, she should pretend she'd ever give it to Ethan? Tina? Hatch? Morasca? Please. None of those four people would get money from me, ever, based on what I know of them. When Jenna says she wouldn't vote for a winner against a non-winner, Ethan and Tina both smile and nod condescendingly, because that's just so absurd to them and their million-dollar toy checks. Silly girl. Jenna explains that she thinks it's pretty easy when you've already won a million dollars to come back and say you're in it for the joy of competing. True, that.
Asked if that's fair, Tina squeaks, "Of course not," as if that's totally obvious, which it isn't. She explains, though, that all the winners who came back knew that was the case, so she's apparently decided to be adult about it, in the passive-aggressive sense of the word "adult." I mean, she's basically saying that the past winners all knew that all the other people they would wind up playing with would do something that's obviously not fair, and there comes a point where, if you know it's how everyone else will logically feel, you have to ask yourself whether, at some level, perhaps it is fair. Jeff asks Rupert whether he would vote for a winner, and Rupert says that he'd like to think it wouldn't matter. He doesn't, however, say for sure one way or the other. Rudy says he thinks past winners have a right to win if they can win, but I'm not sure how that answers the question of how he would vote. In fact, I'd say the way he's going to vote tends to answer better the question of how he would vote.
A put-out Ethan proceeds to make a completely inapt sports analogy, which is that the team that won the championship last year isn't, after all, kept from competing this year. Absurd! What a dumb-ass. No one is disqualifying him. All Jenna's saying is that she is looking to vote him out. He hasn't been disqualified. He hasn't been kept from competing. He is already here. Now it is his job to convince people not to vote for him. It's not their job to agree to ignore certain factors in voting because he doesn't think (in his totally unbiased opinion) that those factors should be considered. Winning is just getting people not to boot you. If he wants to talk sports, we can talk sports -- quit standing around on the field whining about the officiating, Ethan, and play the damn game. He's essentially arguing, after all, that you can consider everything else in deciding whether and when to vote for people -- whether you like them, whether they're your friends, whether they're loyal to you, whether you think voting some other way would make you look bad, whether they do well in challenges, whether they said something rude to you, whether they're a good person, whether they're honest -- everything but the fact that they already have a million dollars. It's just preposterous, and self-serving, and total bullshit, and the fact that he delivers it with such self-righteous smugness is why he came off to me as, at this point, utterly hateworthy. I mean, look, I believe in bringing back winners. In fact, I've said this before -- I think it's assy not to bring back winners. You have to, or else it's not "All-Star." And then they compete again, and if they win again, they deserve to win again, and that's fine. If Hatch can convince these idiots to let him take the million again, that's perfectly fair, and I would never complain about the victory on the basis that he was a past winner. But everybody else has every right to want to beat them, just as every team has the right to be especially motivated against the Yankees. So what do you do if you want to beat them? You go out and beat them, on whatever basis the game is played. In a hundred-yard dash, you run faster. In the high jump, you jump higher. In skating, you skate better. In Iron Chef, you make better asparagus ice cream. And in Survivor, you Vote. Them. Out. The essence of playing is getting other people not to vote for you, and if Ethan is afraid to play it with all its uncertainties the way everyone else does, he's the one who doesn't understand the nature of competition, not Jenna.
Jeff announces that it's time to vote. And the first person to vote is Ethan. Through a toothy grin, he says, "Jenna, Jenna, Jenna. Your mouth just keeps goin' and goin' and goin'. You better be careful, or it might just bite you in that big old butt of yours." He votes for her. What a smarmy little punk, seriously. Off with his head!
Jenna votes. Jerri votes. Tina votes for Jenna. Rudy votes. Rupert votes. Jeff goes off to tally, while the castaways continue gathering water in their hands. And buffs. And shirts. Jenna shivers, so apparently it's cold, or she has a weak constitution. Or, perhaps, both. Jeff returns with the Urn of Fate. He reads the votes. Jenna. Jenna. Tina. Tina. Tina. Tina. Heh. Goodbye, Tina. Once she's gone, Jeff breaks the bad news that they're not taking the torches back with them, because they don't have fire at camp, and they ain't getting it this way. Oof, that hurts. They all leave to walk back to camp, depressed as all get out.
In her exit speech, Tina talks about how nobody wants to be the first one voted out, blah dee blah. She also insists that she didn't go in "on an equal playing ground," by which she means that she did go in on an equal playing ground, and wasn't able to convince people to ignore the things she selectively wanted them to ignore in choosing whom to vote for. Thanks, Tina. Go home, you bore me.
week: The need for water grows more desperate. The challenges start to take their toll. It's even killing Rupert. Rupert, for God's sake! Is there no mercy?