Mutiny

Previously on For The Love Of All That Is Good And Holy, Lill, Put Some Pants On: Sandra sidled up to Darrah to talk about uniting the women against Jon and Burton, but Darrah seemed to think it was a little early for that. Lill, Darrah, and Jon finished at the front of a reward challenge on the back of Sandra's ineptitude, and lolled about in a variety of beige clothing that called to mind fabric made of spun baby poo. Jon proved to be quite the sophisticated gourmet: 1999 was an excellent year for chicken fingers, and the chef had whipped up an unassuming little honey mustard that was worth trying. He also flung around a little more fetid nostalgia about Dead Old Granny Fairplay, who must now be deceased as a result being flogged by her grandson if for no other reason. Lill tried to get Burton to recommit to his alliance with her, and he told her, not to put too fine a point on it, "Don't count on me down the road, there, Pantsless Polly." Darrah won her second consecutive immunity by proving that the expectations of the audience are not the only things in which she can blow a sizeable hole. Darrah helped Jon and Burton to create the impression that Lill was packing her Scout gear and preparing to scoot, but at tribal council, there were enough unbridled neigh-sayers to see that it was Christa who finished a few lengths behind.

Credits. Boy, it is amazing how quickly these people fade from memory when they're eliminated. I mean...Shawn? Michelle? Andrew? Who? They're like the people who were a year behind me in high school: I have no idea what became of them, I vaguely remember not liking them, and given the opportunity to catch up with them, I wouldn't. Oh, and also? Badly dressed.

Commercials. Nothing says "holidays" like bright pink lip gloss. It really is a wonderful life.

We return to Camp Balboa. Look, a snake! A slithering snake! I wonder if it's the metaphorical kind. I love when the reptiles stand for stuff. Anyway, it is Night 33, and the tribe members are returning from the Christa boot. Jon and Burton are feeling fat and happy, to say the least, in the wake of what they assume is the triumph that will take them to the final two. Jon tells Sandra that before she loses her temper with him over the ousting of Christa, she should know that Christa offered to vote Sandra out all day. In an interview, Burton grins the biggest shit-eating grin you have ever seen in your life as he brags about the way he and Jon blindsided Christa. "Chalk another one up for Jon and me!" Burton says, waving a red cape in front of Froody, the official bull mascot of the concept of schadenfreude. It's really a little unseemly, the peculiar pleasure Burton takes in how Christa "didn't see it coming." Again, it's just not necessary to be an obnoxious braggart, Burton. And you know, if he still needs a nickname, I think he could do worse than "Obnoxious Braggart." I'm not sure if he could get his mother to go along with it, but I certainly would. Furthermore, it was hardly out of nowhere, considering that Christa knew very well that her being voted out was at least a possibility. Sandra calmly tells the tribe that she won't complain about the outcome, because at least she can stay three more days. Jon then interviews that Sandra is convinced she'll be to go, but in fact, he and Burton intend to take out Darrah, because she's proved to be a significantly stronger competitor than Sandra in immunity challenges. Darrah could actually probably snap Jon himself in half like a twig, but...there you go.

Thunder crashes. Lightning flashes. It's rainin' ominous portent! Hallelujah, it's rainin' ominous portent!

The morning, rain drips off the shelter as Day 34 dawns. Sandra voices over that she knows she's vulnerable, so this is the point where she's going to get in motion and come up with a new plan. And what is the first phase of her new plan? Going all Wile E. Coyote on the camp before she goes. She plans to throw out all the things they need to live -- the water cans, the knives, the machetes, the spear, the nets...all the supplies. Not to dwell during this, the season of ethical lapses, but that's lame, petty, and frankly beneath the dignity of any adult worth her weight in carrots. This just reflects that stupid attitude that entirely too many of this season's contestants have displayed, which is that people who play the game and beat you at it somehow have done something wrong and deserve to be punished. It's just kind of boring to me. Shut your yap already and come up with a strategy to keep your ass in the game instead of whining about it, because nobody owes you jack. I actually suspect Sandra of having picked up this attitude of entitlement from Rupert, because it's eerily reminiscent of how he felt about himself -- that other people deserved punishment just for advancing themselves at his expense.

Burton, Lill, and Jon are hunting for mussels when Burton raises the issue of booting Darrah before Sandra, based on Darrah's being a bigger immunity threat. Lill shows some hesitation about this idea, given that Darrah was part of their alliance as of last night. In an interview, Lill gives the full-on whine about how when the notion of booting Darrah was raised, she thought, and I quote, "[snort] This is not right. I don't like this!" Lill further elaborates that Burton's refusal to reconfirm his alliance with her all the way to the final two last week makes her think that he just may be warming up to screw her as well. She continues, nevertheless, to assure Burton and Jon that she'll boot Darrah if that's what they want. "I started thinking, 'If they can screw her over, they can screw me over,'" she says, showing signs of an intellectual spark -- or at least warm mental embers -- at last. Yes, somewhere in the dark recesses of Lill's brain, a match has been lit. Will it burn itself out before she has a chance to make use of it? Only time will tell. May the faint smell of sulfur last a little while. Singeing Jon's behind would be a good start.

We swoop over the jungle and land in a clearing where there are a variety of little stations set up. Jeff welcomes the tribe to yet another obstacle-course reward challenge. As often happens late in the season, it's a mix of tasks from challenges -- digging under a fence, crossing ropes at a compass point, that sort of thing. Because who doesn't love revisiting the challenges of yesteryear? It's like having dinner with all your exes at the same time. Jeff explains that the winner of this challenge will go off to the ruins of Panama City, where he or she will enjoy a feast and camp out overnight. Gee, Jeff, now that they've spent almost forty days sleeping under a tarp, I'm sure there's nothing they want more than to go camping. Good grief.

Undeterred by the suck factor of the reward, they run the obstacle course. I particularly enjoy the fact that when they dig under the fence, Darrah barely has to dig, because she's so wee at this point that she can basically wriggle between the bars at the bottom. Creepy. Lill melts down when she can't decipher the coordinates for the rope-crossing, which makes me wonder what kind of a Scout master she really is. Maybe she's just a figurehead. Anyway, Jon actually manages to jump into the lead for a while, defying any merit-based system of predicting challenge successes. Burton, however, shortly develops a huge lead that holds up to the end, and when he unscrambles the words "Jolly Roger," it's all over, and he wins the reward. I've grown to hate Burton, which I can tell, for some reason, as soon as I hear him say "Jolly Roger." "Jolly Roger" this, you bulked-up gym rat.

Jeff, unsurprisingly, offers Burton the opportunity to take someone with him, and Burton says that he's taking Jon, who leaps into Burton's arms. Ew. The women look on, dejected, despite the fact that something almost unbelievably fortunate has just happened to them. Seriously, I think everyone in America knew that the one thing Burton should be most afraid of at this point is an alliance between the three women. ["At least three people in Canada knew it too, I can personally attest." -- Wing Chun] Therefore, the thing Burton most needed to not do was take Jon off on a reward trip and leave the women to sulk and plot. If Burton didn't want to take Lill (which is understandable, considering how tired of her he seems to be at this point), he could have taken Darrah, who seems to have a reasonably pleasant personality. This would have given Jon the opportunity to stay behind and monitor the more volatile Lill and Sandra. Basically, any course of action was defensible with the exception of the one Burton chose. Arrogance, party of two, your table is ready. And what's for dinner? Your own heads on a platter. Nice one, nimrod.

Commercials. If I see one more thing about Trista and Ryan's wedding, I am going to shove a pink parasol tied with a pink ribbon down a pink flamingo's throat. While listening to the music of...well, you know.

The S.S. Reap-And-Sow carries a jubilant Burton and Jon across the water. Burton has his arms up to hang onto the top of the boat. I'm thinking those pits are stinky. While they're on the boat, Burton explains that he and Jon agreed ahead of time that they would take each other if they won reward, because they're tired of going on rewards with people they "don't like that much." Burton is happy to be going on a reward with someone he likes. He means Jon, y'all. Jon. They make their way across the water, chests flailing, accompanied by Jeff. Hmm. Jeff doesn't usually go on reward challenges. Jon interviews how "cool" it was that Burton picked him to "share along the experience[sic]," because it was a great opportunity for the two of them to step away from the game and just enjoy what great guys they are without having to think about strategy. Jon says that they just didn't feel the need to "overly worry." Yeah, totally. The ball will still be there tomorrow -- it's not like you need to keep your eye on it.

Melodic voices holler on the soundtrack as they approach Panama City. The boat docks, and the Fellas and Jeff disembark and head up the dock. Burton helpfully interviews that when they got to the parking lot to the pier, they saw what he refers to as a "brand spankin' new" GMC Envoy. The [Special] Envoy: Your Choice For Negotiating The Roads. (That's mine, GMC suits. Steal it and face my wrath.) I'm not a big fan of the Special Envoy, really, but after they gave away the weird-ass Pontiac in the first season, things could hardly get worse. The Special Envoy, in case you're wondering, is one of those SUV menaces to society that are always blocking my view when I'm trying to pull out of parking spaces. I tell you, pretty soon, you're going to have to drive a Humvee just to avoid being crushed like a soda can in the event of a rolling collision in a parking lot. Anyway, a grinning Jeff hands over the keys and tells Burton that the Special Envoy is his to keep. Jon congratulates Burton, because he's an awesome sport, of course. Burton smugly interviews how great it was to get the Special Envoy, and I find that I kind of want to punch him, even though he won it fair and square. ["And then some, in my opinion, since it looked to the conspiracy theorist in me that the producers who set up the reward challenge buried Burton's keys way deeper in the sand than was the case for the other contestants." -- Wing Chun] Of course, unlike Sandra, I don't follow every petty, vengeful instinct that I have, so I won't actually punch him. Jeff proceeds to do a short commercial for the Envoy, explaining how it's got built-in camping facilities in the back and such. Burton very spontaneously interviews that this will be great for his chosen hobbies of camping, snowboarding, and skiing! His new Envoy would be a steal at twice the price! It gets better mileage than any tank in the Army! Jeff tells the Fellas that there's a map inside the Special Envoy that will lead them to the ruins where they will spend the night. They have to look for the red and yellow flag, and then...oh, never mind. That's the show I wish I were watching.

As he and Burton pile into the car, Jon interviews that although a month ago, he would have objected to anyone else winning the car, now he's happy for Burton. Because Burton is pretty and smart and Jon has a crush on him the size of the national debt. (No, no, not the Clinton national debt. The Bush national debt. We're talking about major love, here.) "It's kind of a cool feeling knowing I can say that and actually mean it," says Jon, rolling around in his own humanity. "Win, lose, or draw," Jon says in the car, "you're the only person that I like in this game." This makes Burton smile, but he does not reciprocate. Because it is, after all, Jon. Burton and Jon talk some more about the wicked new wheels as Burton drives down a palm-tree-lined road along the water. It really is very pretty. If I didn't hate them both, it would be an enjoyable sequence.

As this plan develops, however, Lill sees another issue. Basically, she sees herself coming in third in either scenario. In other words, she doesn't think that she has any better chance with the women than she does with Jon and Burton to make it past the final three, and she believes that the men will take her that far as well, so why should she flip? Well, Sandra explains patiently, Lill will have a much better chance in an immunity challenge against Sandra and Darrah than she would against Burton and Jon. True, that. ["Well, against Burton, anyway." -- Wing Chun] Sandra has to cover a little for the fact that she's already made the remark at tribal council (which was a mistake) that she wouldn't want to go up against Lill in a final-two scenario. From where Lill is sitting, this looks like Sandra isn't taking her to the final. Sandra points out, however, that Lill would get her vote for the million. Of course, that's sort of backwards from what Sandra should be saying, because that would argue in favor of going with the men and keeping Sandra for the jury. Lill doesn't entirely seem to put that together, however. Sandra interviews that she was trying to convince Lill that Sandra isn't any stronger than Lill is at challenges. Considering that Sandra has proved herself to be the clumsiest and least physically powerful person on the show, pretty much, she has a point. Darrah adds that while Burton will take Jon to the final two and Jon will take Burton, Lill doesn't really know what Darrah or Sandra might do. (Translation: Because Darrah is not stupid, she knows that Lill the Whiny Outcast would not, in fact, run away with a lot of jury votes.) Lill suggests that they wait and see what happens with immunity, and think about sending Burton home first. Darrah makes it crystal clear between the three of them: if Burton wins immunity, they'll vote out Jon, but if he doesn't, it's Burton all the way. They all agree.

In an interview, Sandra has to backtrack and note that she has decided not to be a complete whiny-ass baby and sabotage the camp, because she's starting to think that she might have a chance to stay longer. Because I kind of like her this week, I'm trying to forget this whole stupid storyline, because it makes her look like such a buffoon. Selective memory really is the key to enjoying reality shows.