Previously on For The Love Of All That Is Good And Holy, Lill, Put Some Pants On: Sandra sidled up to Darrah to talk about uniting the women against Jon and Burton, but Darrah seemed to think it was a little early for that. Lill, Darrah, and Jon finished at the front of a reward challenge on the back of Sandra's ineptitude, and lolled about in a variety of beige clothing that called to mind fabric made of spun baby poo. Jon proved to be quite the sophisticated gourmet: 1999 was an excellent year for chicken fingers, and the chef had whipped up an unassuming little honey mustard that was worth trying. He also flung around a little more fetid nostalgia about Dead Old Granny Fairplay, who must now be deceased as a result being flogged by her grandson if for no other reason. Lill tried to get Burton to recommit to his alliance with her, and he told her, not to put too fine a point on it, "Don't count on me down the road, there, Pantsless Polly." Darrah won her second consecutive immunity by proving that the expectations of the audience are not the only things in which she can blow a sizeable hole. Darrah helped Jon and Burton to create the impression that Lill was packing her Scout gear and preparing to scoot, but at tribal council, there were enough unbridled neigh-sayers to see that it was Christa who finished a few lengths behind.
Credits. Boy, it is amazing how quickly these people fade from memory when they're eliminated. I mean...Shawn? Michelle? Andrew? Who? They're like the people who were a year behind me in high school: I have no idea what became of them, I vaguely remember not liking them, and given the opportunity to catch up with them, I wouldn't. Oh, and also? Badly dressed.
Commercials. Nothing says "holidays" like bright pink lip gloss. It really is a wonderful life.
We return to Camp Balboa. Look, a snake! A slithering snake! I wonder if it's the metaphorical kind. I love when the reptiles stand for stuff. Anyway, it is Night 33, and the tribe members are returning from the Christa boot. Jon and Burton are feeling fat and happy, to say the least, in the wake of what they assume is the triumph that will take them to the final two. Jon tells Sandra that before she loses her temper with him over the ousting of Christa, she should know that Christa offered to vote Sandra out all day. In an interview, Burton grins the biggest shit-eating grin you have ever seen in your life as he brags about the way he and Jon blindsided Christa. "Chalk another one up for Jon and me!" Burton says, waving a red cape in front of Froody, the official bull mascot of the concept of schadenfreude. It's really a little unseemly, the peculiar pleasure Burton takes in how Christa "didn't see it coming." Again, it's just not necessary to be an obnoxious braggart, Burton. And you know, if he still needs a nickname, I think he could do worse than "Obnoxious Braggart." I'm not sure if he could get his mother to go along with it, but I certainly would. Furthermore, it was hardly out of nowhere, considering that Christa knew very well that her being voted out was at least a possibility. Sandra calmly tells the tribe that she won't complain about the outcome, because at least she can stay three more days. Jon then interviews that Sandra is convinced she'll be to go, but in fact, he and Burton intend to take out Darrah, because she's proved to be a significantly stronger competitor than Sandra in immunity challenges. Darrah could actually probably snap Jon himself in half like a twig, but...there you go.
Thunder crashes. Lightning flashes. It's rainin' ominous portent! Hallelujah, it's rainin' ominous portent!
The morning, rain drips off the shelter as Day 34 dawns. Sandra voices over that she knows she's vulnerable, so this is the point where she's going to get in motion and come up with a new plan. And what is the first phase of her new plan? Going all Wile E. Coyote on the camp before she goes. She plans to throw out all the things they need to live -- the water cans, the knives, the machetes, the spear, the nets...all the supplies. Not to dwell during this, the season of ethical lapses, but that's lame, petty, and frankly beneath the dignity of any adult worth her weight in carrots. This just reflects that stupid attitude that entirely too many of this season's contestants have displayed, which is that people who play the game and beat you at it somehow have done something wrong and deserve to be punished. It's just kind of boring to me. Shut your yap already and come up with a strategy to keep your ass in the game instead of whining about it, because nobody owes you jack. I actually suspect Sandra of having picked up this attitude of entitlement from Rupert, because it's eerily reminiscent of how he felt about himself -- that other people deserved punishment just for advancing themselves at his expense.
Burton, Lill, and Jon are hunting for mussels when Burton raises the issue of booting Darrah before Sandra, based on Darrah's being a bigger immunity threat. Lill shows some hesitation about this idea, given that Darrah was part of their alliance as of last night. In an interview, Lill gives the full-on whine about how when the notion of booting Darrah was raised, she thought, and I quote, "[snort] This is not right. I don't like this!" Lill further elaborates that Burton's refusal to reconfirm his alliance with her all the way to the final two last week makes her think that he just may be warming up to screw her as well. She continues, nevertheless, to assure Burton and Jon that she'll boot Darrah if that's what they want. "I started thinking, 'If they can screw her over, they can screw me over,'" she says, showing signs of an intellectual spark -- or at least warm mental embers -- at last. Yes, somewhere in the dark recesses of Lill's brain, a match has been lit. Will it burn itself out before she has a chance to make use of it? Only time will tell. May the faint smell of sulfur last a little while. Singeing Jon's behind would be a good start.
We swoop over the jungle and land in a clearing where there are a variety of little stations set up. Jeff welcomes the tribe to yet another obstacle-course reward challenge. As often happens late in the season, it's a mix of tasks from challenges -- digging under a fence, crossing ropes at a compass point, that sort of thing. Because who doesn't love revisiting the challenges of yesteryear? It's like having dinner with all your exes at the same time. Jeff explains that the winner of this challenge will go off to the ruins of Panama City, where he or she will enjoy a feast and camp out overnight. Gee, Jeff, now that they've spent almost forty days sleeping under a tarp, I'm sure there's nothing they want more than to go camping. Good grief.
Undeterred by the suck factor of the reward, they run the obstacle course. I particularly enjoy the fact that when they dig under the fence, Darrah barely has to dig, because she's so wee at this point that she can basically wriggle between the bars at the bottom. Creepy. Lill melts down when she can't decipher the coordinates for the rope-crossing, which makes me wonder what kind of a Scout master she really is. Maybe she's just a figurehead. Anyway, Jon actually manages to jump into the lead for a while, defying any merit-based system of predicting challenge successes. Burton, however, shortly develops a huge lead that holds up to the end, and when he unscrambles the words "Jolly Roger," it's all over, and he wins the reward. I've grown to hate Burton, which I can tell, for some reason, as soon as I hear him say "Jolly Roger." "Jolly Roger" this, you bulked-up gym rat.
Jeff, unsurprisingly, offers Burton the opportunity to take someone with him, and Burton says that he's taking Jon, who leaps into Burton's arms. Ew. The women look on, dejected, despite the fact that something almost unbelievably fortunate has just happened to them. Seriously, I think everyone in America knew that the one thing Burton should be most afraid of at this point is an alliance between the three women. ["At least three people in Canada knew it too, I can personally attest." -- Wing Chun] Therefore, the thing Burton most needed to not do was take Jon off on a reward trip and leave the women to sulk and plot. If Burton didn't want to take Lill (which is understandable, considering how tired of her he seems to be at this point), he could have taken Darrah, who seems to have a reasonably pleasant personality. This would have given Jon the opportunity to stay behind and monitor the more volatile Lill and Sandra. Basically, any course of action was defensible with the exception of the one Burton chose. Arrogance, party of two, your table is ready. And what's for dinner? Your own heads on a platter. Nice one, nimrod.
Commercials. If I see one more thing about Trista and Ryan's wedding, I am going to shove a pink parasol tied with a pink ribbon down a pink flamingo's throat. While listening to the music of...well, you know.
The S.S. Reap-And-Sow carries a jubilant Burton and Jon across the water. Burton has his arms up to hang onto the top of the boat. I'm thinking those pits are stinky. While they're on the boat, Burton explains that he and Jon agreed ahead of time that they would take each other if they won reward, because they're tired of going on rewards with people they "don't like that much." Burton is happy to be going on a reward with someone he likes. He means Jon, y'all. Jon. They make their way across the water, chests flailing, accompanied by Jeff. Hmm. Jeff doesn't usually go on reward challenges. Jon interviews how "cool" it was that Burton picked him to "share along the experience[sic]," because it was a great opportunity for the two of them to step away from the game and just enjoy what great guys they are without having to think about strategy. Jon says that they just didn't feel the need to "overly worry." Yeah, totally. The ball will still be there tomorrow -- it's not like you need to keep your eye on it.
Melodic voices holler on the soundtrack as they approach Panama City. The boat docks, and the Fellas and Jeff disembark and head up the dock. Burton helpfully interviews that when they got to the parking lot to the pier, they saw what he refers to as a "brand spankin' new" GMC Envoy. The [Special] Envoy: Your Choice For Negotiating The Roads. (That's mine, GMC suits. Steal it and face my wrath.) I'm not a big fan of the Special Envoy, really, but after they gave away the weird-ass Pontiac in the first season, things could hardly get worse. The Special Envoy, in case you're wondering, is one of those SUV menaces to society that are always blocking my view when I'm trying to pull out of parking spaces. I tell you, pretty soon, you're going to have to drive a Humvee just to avoid being crushed like a soda can in the event of a rolling collision in a parking lot. Anyway, a grinning Jeff hands over the keys and tells Burton that the Special Envoy is his to keep. Jon congratulates Burton, because he's an awesome sport, of course. Burton smugly interviews how great it was to get the Special Envoy, and I find that I kind of want to punch him, even though he won it fair and square. ["And then some, in my opinion, since it looked to the conspiracy theorist in me that the producers who set up the reward challenge buried Burton's keys way deeper in the sand than was the case for the other contestants." -- Wing Chun] Of course, unlike Sandra, I don't follow every petty, vengeful instinct that I have, so I won't actually punch him. Jeff proceeds to do a short commercial for the Envoy, explaining how it's got built-in camping facilities in the back and such. Burton very spontaneously interviews that this will be great for his chosen hobbies of camping, snowboarding, and skiing! His new Envoy would be a steal at twice the price! It gets better mileage than any tank in the Army! Jeff tells the Fellas that there's a map inside the Special Envoy that will lead them to the ruins where they will spend the night. They have to look for the red and yellow flag, and then...oh, never mind. That's the show I wish I were watching.
As he and Burton pile into the car, Jon interviews that although a month ago, he would have objected to anyone else winning the car, now he's happy for Burton. Because Burton is pretty and smart and Jon has a crush on him the size of the national debt. (No, no, not the Clinton national debt. The Bush national debt. We're talking about major love, here.) "It's kind of a cool feeling knowing I can say that and actually mean it," says Jon, rolling around in his own humanity. "Win, lose, or draw," Jon says in the car, "you're the only person that I like in this game." This makes Burton smile, but he does not reciprocate. Because it is, after all, Jon. Burton and Jon talk some more about the wicked new wheels as Burton drives down a palm-tree-lined road along the water. It really is very pretty. If I didn't hate them both, it would be an enjoyable sequence.
Burton voices over that as he and Jon drove into Panama City, they spotted a tower and made their way to the ruins. Apparently, the ruins have a very understanding groundskeeper, because they drive the Envoy right across the grass right up to the very historic ruins. A thousand Panamanian ghosts are like, "GET OFF MY LAWN, YOU BASTARDS!" They de-Envoy, and they get their first look at the feast. The feast includes suckling pig, beans, rice, marshmallows, and corn. I'm sorry, but this is the worst feast ever. Marshmallows? Where did they get this "feast" anyway, Wal-Mart? Who forgot to bring the Chex Mix and saltines? Furthermore, beans and rice? Great. Because they haven't had enough beans and rice recently at all. Despite the crappy provisions, Burton and Jon eat and seem happy. Burton makes fun of Jon for having food caught in his beard. They are so seriously the nightmare of every single woman in America, I cannot tell you. Jackasses? Check. Arrogant? Check. Food in facial hair? Check. "Good meal and good company," Burton says. "Mm-hmm, finally," Jon says, emphasizing how much he and Burton are cool and everyone else is a bunch of losers. "To the girls eatin' mussels," the Fellas smarm as they toast themselves. They chuckle as Burton explains how extremely hilarious it was to know that the women were back at camp eating mussels while they were out feasting on suckling pig and marshmallows: "Honestly, those three girls have all been riding coattails the entire time they've been on here."
Nice speech, Burton. Here's why you're an idiot: there's really no such thing as "riding coattails" in Survivor. There's only being voted out or not being voted out. If Sandra "rode the coattails" of Rupert, he rode the coattails of Sandra just as much. What made them strong was their alliance, and they were equally part of it. To find safety in numbers, Rupert relied on Christa and Sandra just as much as they relied on him. "Riding coattails" means benefiting from someone else's being good at something despite the fact that you are not good at it. But entering into alliances with other people -- especially people who will eventually be bigger targets than you are if it comes down to that -- is a skill in this particular game. Therefore, there's no such thing as creating a strong alliance that keeps you in the game, but nevertheless not being good at the game. An alliance with someone who will remain loyal to you and then obligingly get himself voted off (*cough* Rupert *cough* Ryan-O) is actually the best thing you can have going for you, strategically, and it's a damn sight smarter than running your mouth in such a way that you become Public Enemy #1 in the eyes of half of your tribe. So Burton, seriously. Shut. Up.
Back at camp, a bunch of vultures are watching over the proceedings. Nice. Actual vultures. Sandra, Darrah, and Lill are lying under the shelter, and nervous Lill is muttering that she doesn't know what Jon and Burton are likely to be saying or plotting while they're on this reward. "You don't know what they've promised all of us," she points out. "They promised everyone something different," Sandra offers. Darrah interviews that when they returned from the challenge, Lill reported -- at last -- that she was nervous about continuing to trust Burton and Jon. Back under the shelter, Sandra emphatically states that Jon has screwed her twice already, and that she's not going to be screwed by him again. "I have always said that they were both snakes, and I have always said that they're good liars," Sandra interviews, emphasizing that Lill's concerns were certainly nothing new to her. Oh, and there's that metaphorical snake! Symbolic reptile alert! Now we see Lill break it to Darrah that Burton and Jon are, in fact, planning on voting Darrah out before Sandra. Lill explains how she tried to convince them that turning on Darrah was wrong, but that they weren't interested. Lill interviews that it "pissed her off that these two boys were so easy to break their alliance." You have to imagine the word "easy" in that sentence being uttered in a near-squeal and punched so hard it has trouble getting up again. Darrah tells Sandra and Lill that she thinks they should just gang up and get rid of Burton.
As this plan develops, however, Lill sees another issue. Basically, she sees herself coming in third in either scenario. In other words, she doesn't think that she has any better chance with the women than she does with Jon and Burton to make it past the final three, and she believes that the men will take her that far as well, so why should she flip? Well, Sandra explains patiently, Lill will have a much better chance in an immunity challenge against Sandra and Darrah than she would against Burton and Jon. True, that. ["Well, against Burton, anyway." -- Wing Chun] Sandra has to cover a little for the fact that she's already made the remark at tribal council (which was a mistake) that she wouldn't want to go up against Lill in a final-two scenario. From where Lill is sitting, this looks like Sandra isn't taking her to the final. Sandra points out, however, that Lill would get her vote for the million. Of course, that's sort of backwards from what Sandra should be saying, because that would argue in favor of going with the men and keeping Sandra for the jury. Lill doesn't entirely seem to put that together, however. Sandra interviews that she was trying to convince Lill that Sandra isn't any stronger than Lill is at challenges. Considering that Sandra has proved herself to be the clumsiest and least physically powerful person on the show, pretty much, she has a point. Darrah adds that while Burton will take Jon to the final two and Jon will take Burton, Lill doesn't really know what Darrah or Sandra might do. (Translation: Because Darrah is not stupid, she knows that Lill the Whiny Outcast would not, in fact, run away with a lot of jury votes.) Lill suggests that they wait and see what happens with immunity, and think about sending Burton home first. Darrah makes it crystal clear between the three of them: if Burton wins immunity, they'll vote out Jon, but if he doesn't, it's Burton all the way. They all agree.
In an interview, Sandra has to backtrack and note that she has decided not to be a complete whiny-ass baby and sabotage the camp, because she's starting to think that she might have a chance to stay longer. Because I kind of like her this week, I'm trying to forget this whole stupid storyline, because it makes her look like such a buffoon. Selective memory really is the key to enjoying reality shows.
Night falls on Panama City, where Burton and Jon are enjoying Hubris Night at the Sizzler. Jon asks Burton whether he thinks there's anything to be worried about with the women all back at camp together. Burton assures Jon that the two of them can "squash [the women's] plans pretty quickly." He goes on: "Not one of them has had a strategy yet in this game. I don't know why they'd start now." Here, the hilarious sarcastic music guy inserts an uproariously funny low, "uh-oh" sound that is best described as this: "Mwuuuuuuuuh." Jon agrees. Girls are silly. Jon interviews that he and Burton did discuss the possibility that the women were back at camp cooking up a three-person alliance, but they figured that when they got back, they'd be able to sway at least one of the three women to their side, so they think there's probably nothing to worry about. ["Which, at this point, I thought could be true, since Lill is so dumb and wishy-washy." -- Wing Chun] "We feel that we definitely have an intellectual advantage," Jon says. After providing some more whoring for GM about how awesome the Envoy is working out, Burton and Jon set up camp. (They're really just sleeping in the back seat of a van...shhhh, don't tell the guys in Marketing.) Burton says in an interview that the two of them decided they shouldn't talk about the Envoy when they got back to camp, because people might be a little resentful. Aaaand, it's another job for the Gee-Ya-Think-inator. If people get any more adept at stating the obvious, we'll burn out the motor. He and Jon talk more about how they ought to be able to convince Lill that now that they've gotten her this far, she shouldn't screw it up by going off with Sandra and Darrah. The problem, of course, is that Burton and Jon are no longer offering Lill anything. She can certainly get to third place with Darrah and Sandra, so if neither of the guys is going to cook up a plan to offer her final two, they're not offering her a thing. I never understand why people on this show persistently refuse to learn that if you want something, you at least have to make people believe that you're offering them something. Offer Lill final two, and she might be yours. Offer her zip, and it makes sense for her to take her chances with a pair that's not swearing eternal loyalty and wearing each other's high-school rings like Burton and Jon are. Burton recalls Lill's discomfort at the idea of voting off Darrah, and the fact that this made him and Jon a trifle nervous, so he's wary of Lill.
Given this nervousness, Burton suggests that in addition to trying to hang on to Lill, they approach Sandra -- "just as a backup." They'll promise Sandra a trip to the final three, and that should secure her as a vote against, presumably, Darrah. "She doesn't trust us at all," Jon laughs, "but you know what? I bet she wouldn't care. How many times have I dogged that girl out?" Yeah, I'm sure she doesn't care at all. That's Sandra for you -- easygoing and all about letting bygones be bygones. Burton explains in an interview: "Jon and I have been running the show for the last twenty days, nearly. And those three girls? I don't think they could come up with a decent strategy if they had to." Of course, in addition to the arrogance of this statement, it's patently stupid, because at this point, the "girls" don't need much of a strategy. When there are eight people left and a bunch of sub-alliances, you might need a strategy. Now, when two of the remaining five players have a blood oath to each other? Well, now it's just a matter of knowing that three is a bigger number than two, and that doesn't take much strategy. In the Special Envoy, Jon says to Burton, "We have played everything just about as perfectly as it can be played in this game." ["I'd also like to add that it seems to have slipped the mind of master strategist Burton that he's already gotten his ass voted out once, so maybe he's not quite the evil genius he thinks he is." -- Wing Chun] They smile. They knock fists. "A lot of people are about to get run over by a bus, but you and I are goooood," Burton says. Jon cackles. And somewhere, What Goes Around laces up its boots, puts on its coat, and heads for the door of its apartment, sighing, "Okay, I have to go Come Around. I'll be back later. Ciao."
Commercials. Paul Shaffer singing about a two-day sale may be a holiday commercial with a piano, but it is a sorry substitute for Rufus Wainwright singing "What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?" That was my favorite holiday commercial ever, aside from the Hershey kiss handbells.
Morning of Day 35 comes to Balboa, and a monkey looks around curiously. "Where did those two boorish pricks go?" it wonders. "I hope they're not coming back." Lill is awake and rubbing her eyes. "I don't know why God's puttin' me through this." Totally. God is ruthless, sweeping you up in a tornado and depositing you on Survivor like this. Lill tells Sandra that she can't sleep because of the various kinds of pain she's in, and Sandra assures her that she can hang in for another four days. "You're going to have to take it for four days," Sandra chuckles, and Darrah adds, "We'll drag you along." Heh. This makes Lill smile, just slightly. In an interview, Lill explains that her arms and legs are in a lot of pain, and that she has a lot of numbness, as well. She hypothesizes that it might be menopause. It might, I suppose, although I would think the five or six hundred bug bites she has on her arms and legs might also be part of the explanation.
We then see the women sitting at the edge of the shelter, where Sandra is chiding Lill for needlessly stressing and letting it all get to her. It's an interesting tableau -- Darrah is sitting while Sandra works on braiding her hair, and Lill, looking for a little comfort, holds one of Darrah's hands to her own forehead. Lill apparently hasn't been sleeping much, and says she thinks she just needs some decent rest. "Think positive," Darrah says reassuringly, trying to keep Pantsless Polly in the game until they can at least get rid of Burton. Sandra asks whether it's thinking about Burton that's making Lill so stressed out. Lill says she's worried that Burton will get immunity, Jon will go, and then Burton will "attack" in response to what he'll see as a betrayal. Of course, if they all stuck to their guns, it wouldn't matter what "attacking" Burton did, but...whatever. Later, as Lill hangs up her clothes to dry (again she's got no pants on, for God's sake), Sandra asks Darrah whether she thinks Lill is getting nervous. "She stresses out about every little thing," Darrah sighs in frustration. I think of all the obnoxious people on this island, Lill might be the hardest for me to take. Jon is just an idiot -- people like that are relatively easy to blow off, because they're not relevant to the universe and they're usually their own worst enemies anyway. It's needy drama queens that make you want to drive a knitting needle into your brain just so you can spend some time unconscious. Sandra says that she hopes the immunity challenge and everything else hurries up and happens immediately, because they don't need Lill to have an extra day to get screwed with by Burton. Sandra interviews that when Burton and Jon come back, she's going to continue to play out the same plan she always does when she gets screwed, which is to pout until Jon comes to her with his pathetic "Oh, we won't boot you as long as you vote for so-and-so," and then she'll tell him she's happy to do whatever she has to to save her skin. Heh, that was kind of funny.
As they await the return of the Fellas, Sandra tells Lill and Darrah that they're going to make a pact that whatever Jon or Burton says to Sandra, she'll come back and tell them so that they'll know what's going on. "The sooner we get rid of these jackasses, the better," she says to them. In an interview, Sandra says that she's just going to have to swallow her uncertainties, because if she keeps checking in with Lill after the Fellas return, Burton will immediately know that something's wrong, because Burton does that himself with his alliances -- keeps up with who's doing what and how everyone's feeling. Therefore, she concludes that this calls for a display of disconnectedness. I think it was exactly the right call, incidentally. "When I see them coming up on the beach, I'm just going to lay down," she tells Lill and Darrah, "and put on my game face." Like I said, I still think her camp-sabotage thing was total bullshit, but I did really gain some affection for Sandra in this episode.
The S.S. Reap-And-Sow brings Burton and Jon back across the water to the shores of Camp Simple Majority. Darrah and Lill walk along the beach toward where the boat is coming in. "Now we three are stickin' together," Darrah says, "so don't go changin' your mind, okay? I'm not changin' mine." Lill assures her that, "hell or high water," she's with the women. "It's gonna turn out real good," Darrah says. "Yeah, I wish I could have that same feeling," Lill mutters. As they meet up with Burton and Jon, Lill tells them that she hopes they're hung over. There are very halfhearted hugs among the group, and then Burton explains in an interview that he asked them how everything went while he was gone. We see Darrah and Lill tell Jon and Burton that Sandra is pissed off about the prospect of being booted and won't even talk to them. "She hasn't tried to strategize?" Jon says. "No," they answer flatly. Burton presses that she must have at least suggested voting the guys off, but Darrah and Lill shrug and say that Sandra is so grouchy that she doesn't want anything to do with them. We cut to Sandra, pouting under her blanket. Burton chirps out a "How're you doin'?" to Sandra. She doesn't answer. He asks her what's wrong. She mutters miserably that she doesn't want to do any work if she's going to get tossed.
Burton doesn't entirely believe this story. "The girls seem to be putting up quite an act," he says, describing Lill and Darrah's recounting of the day as well as Sandra's pouting. Darrah and Lill wander off toward the water, and as Burton explains that he's sure he and Jon can crack the women's plan if they actually have one -- which, you know, they probably don't, since they're girls and all. The women aren't good liars, so if they have a plan, he'll figure it out. ["Again, at this point, I agreed: Lill and Darrah were laying their story on waaaaaay too thick." -- Wing Chun] He motions to Jon all Mission: Impossible-style to work on Sandra, and Burton himself walks off to work on Lill. By the water, Burton asks Lill what she's thinking at this point, and she says in frustration that she doesn't know. "I can't believe that you three didn't try to figure out a girl alliance to go against Jon and me," Burton says. Lill repeats that Sandra is ready to go and wasn't talking to them. She herself says that she's tired and beat down anyway.
Elsewhere, back at the shelter, Jon approaches the slumping Sandra. After all, Burton told him to.
Burton and Lill are still talking on the beach. She says she's almost ready to go herself -- she wants to go home to her husband and children and garden, because she's had it.
Jon tells Sandra that he would rather keep her than Lill or Darrah, going into the final three. "Offer the final three," she says, "Swear it on your grandma." He does. And then he does some more. He says she knows very well that he and Burton aren't going to turn on each other, but that they need a third person, and he wants her. "That's final three," he says. She again makes him swear on his grandmother, and he does it again. Meanwhile, Burton is working on Lill, asking whether she's willing to vote out Darrah. Lill reluctantly says that if Burton thinks that's what they should do, she'll go along with it. Jon, meanwhile, tells Sandra that he and Burton want her to vote out Darrah if she doesn't win immunity, and Lill if she does. Jon then dramatically tells Sandra that he wants her promise that she'll stick with him and Burton, and that there's only one promise that's adequate. He wants her to swear on her two kids -- and he wants to see her hands while she's doing it. As she explains somewhat disbelievingly in an interview, Jon apparently was afraid she would cross her fingers. As she correctly says with a laugh, "How dumb is that?" Sandra obligingly shows her hands to Jon and swears on her kids that she's with Jon and Burton to the final three. Sandra apparently doesn't actually believe that you will kill people by swearing on their lives. Imagine that. What I love about that is that based on what he said about Dead Old Granny Fairplay, Jon doesn't believe it either -- but he's sure Sandra does. That's what's so funny. Every single thing that these guys do wrong in this episode happens because they assume everyone else is stupider than they are. Anyway, in her interview, Sandra explains that, in her head, what she was saying was, "I swear on my kids that I'm going to screw you and Burton." Aw, I love it when people admit that they talk to themselves inside their heads. It makes me feel so much less alone.
Drunken cameramen swoop across the water and land at the immunity challenge. It's set out in the water, and Jeff welcomes the five remaining stragglers. He takes the Supreme Cutlass from Darrah. "I need this back...back to back it's been on your...back," he says. Something about Darrah certainly does make Jeff think about backs. The immunity challenge, as it turns out, is one of those that's very hard to explain without using schematic diagrams and scale models, but I'll do my best. Basically, you have to use your canteen to put water into a narrow tube so that a float rises to the top. The float has a key attached, and the key unlocks a plank that's locked in a vertical position, and when you unlock it, you can drop it down and walk across it to the one. You do this for a whole series of planks, until you reach a flag at the end of the course. You take the flag and walk back across all the planks to the starting line, and then you are the big winner.
The contestants all take their spots at the beginning of the course. "Survivors ready...go!" The challenge starts with non-incredibly non-dramatic canteen-filling, but fortunately it picks up a little after that. Darrah only has to put one canteen of water into the tube, as it turns out, because she's got such little hands and arms (especially right now) that she can reach far down into the tube to get the key out. Darrah, therefore, lets the first plank down, while everyone else goes back for more water. Basically, the way this goes is that everyone is fairly close throughout, except for Sandra, who falls somewhat behind, and Lill, who eventually has trouble with one of her planks, which gets stuck. In the end, though, Darrah's small hands and her good balance and agility seem to be the key factors in getting her to the end before everybody else, so the peppy mortician is taking the Supreme Cutlass for the third time in a row. Incidentally, there were those who thought it was unfair that Darrah's hands were smaller, so that she could reach down farther in the tube, but considering all the challenges they've done on this show where it's an advantage to be built like Bluto, it seems to me that it's entirely fair that there might be one now and then that favors smaller bodies. Jon and Burton seethe. Jeff explains that Darrah will be safe at the tribal council, but that everybody else is on the block. Sandra smiles. She's pretty sure that's Burton's ass she hears crackling in the growing fire.
Commercials. Oh, look, another red-hot Elmo doll. Must be time to celebrate a highly sacred religious holiday again.
On Day 36 at Balboa, Jon explains that because Darrah won immunity, Lill will be going home: "I feel kind of bad about that, but Lill has just broken down physically and emotionally at this point." Jon notes that Lill hasn't been doing work around the camp as much as usual, so you can tell she's really bugged: "Her actions are telling me that I can't trust her right now." Jon goes over to talk to Lill, however, and she complains that she just finished debriefing Burton and has said all she has to say: "Please, you two stop playing tag team on me." Jon insists that he just wanted to know how she was doing. Later, Burton and Jon take a walk on the beach. Jon says that Lill is upset and grumpy, and that he thinks it's because the women have a deal going. Burton isn't so sure. "Lill is a basket case right now," he says. "She sleeps an hour a night. She's freaking out. She's a disaster." In an interview, Burton says that Lill is acting weird (for a change), not to mention developing a close relationship with Darrah. Still, the way it looks to him, they can get Sandra to vote with them to get rid of Lill, so it's no problem. No problem, baby, those chicks got nothin'!
To this end, Burton has a chat with Sandra. Sandra opens with a grumpy remark about Darrah, to wit: "This is not good for business, this chick winning everything." Burton agrees. He tells Sandra that Lill told him the three women were ganging up on Jon and Burton. Ooooh, tricky. Not fooled by this bluff for a minute, Sandra plays it off, insisting that it never happened, and that Lill is making it up. Sandra insists she'd never go with Lill. Because, Lill? Yuck. Sandra says she doesn't buy Lill's nice act, and that she knows Lill and Darrah are whispering about her. Moreover, she says she doesn't even talk chocolate chips with Darrah anymore, so she doesn't like those women at all. "I wouldn't worry if I were you, because I'm going to write Lill's name down, big as shit," she says. Heh. Heh heh. Of all the bald-faced lying performances I've seen on this show, that was one of the best. ["Agreed. Now that's what I call lying!" -- Wing Chun] It totally fools Burton, too, because in an interview, he explains how great it is to work with Sandra, because she's so willing to stab people in the back and move on with people (like him and Jon) she doesn't like. "It's very cut and dried with Sandra," he says. You know, that amuses me so much that I could almost stand up and cheer. Give me an A! Never mind. That word takes way too long to spell.
Burton, Jon, Sandra, and Darrah sit around making dinner while Lill pouts in the hammock. Burton "confirms" that all four of them are on board to boot Lill. "That's the smartest thing for all of us to do," he says. They all assent, because of course, they take all their advice from Burton. Jon interviews: "All three girls are assed out. There's no 'they share a brain.' I don't think they even share a brain, or obviously, they would have figured out, 'Hey, we can get rid of these guys.' They're foolish. The girls in this game have done nothing to, uh, for women's rights or anything like that. They'd be better off, uh, scrubbing potatoes and mopping floors to get bills passed at this point. [Bills passed? Huh?] They've shown that they're nothing more than followers in this game. I think it's downright foolish that they didn't talk, but I felt and will continue to feel that I'm much smarter than they are in many ways. I guess it's kinda par for the course." Translation: "The only woman I'm not scared of is my mother."
The group walks to tribal council. Jeff introduces the jury -- Ryan-O, Rupert, Tijuana, and Christa. When all are settled, Jeff asks Darrah how she's holding up, and she says she's doing pretty well aside from the weight she's lost. Jeff points out that her diminishing mass helped her out at the immunity challenge, now that her arms are about as wide as Twix bars. She points out that although it helped in that situation, all the weight loss has sapped her of energy, and that just getting firewood almost finished her off. Sandra adds with a chuckle that they don't even talk, they're so tired. Jeff asks Jon whether he's impressed that three of the women are still around, and that one of them just grabbed her third consecutive immunity. Jon gives some crap speech about how he really respects them, blah blah blah, how Lill is the strongest person in the game, blah blah blah, as if Sandra or Darrah is ever going to believe that. Jeff asks Lill whether she ever expected to get this far, and she says she didn't. Now that she's here, she's casting around for the strength to go on. Jeff asks Jon how he feels about things, and he says that he hates tribal councils in general, because they make him nervous. Burton, on the other hand, is smiling smugly. "This has turned into 'Surprise!' tribal council every time," Jon says, and over in the jury box, Rupert makes a disgusted face at Jon's continuing antics. Jeff asks Burton whether he feels bad when he sends somebody home. Burton says that of course he feels bad -- sure, he feels bad! After all, he once was booted himself. He knows just how it feels. "I feel awful when people get blindsided," he says, and Sandra makes the most hilarious disgusted face I've seen in weeks. It's the Bad Shrimp Face. I do love her a little bit, even though she has a strong undercurrent of Rupert's sense of entitlement, which I don't appreciate. Burton explains that, sometimes, blindsiding people is the only way you can guarantee that it won't be reversed on you. Again, Darrah declines to give away her immunity, and we are ready to go.
Burton votes for Lill. "Lill, you're not someone I'd want to go up against in the final two, so your time has come." I hate it when they say it that way. "Your time has come." As if the universe has preordained it. You don't have to get all "it is written" about it. Just vote. Darrah votes. Sandra votes. Jon votes for Lill. "I'm hardcore! I'm hardcore!" he chants in a high-pitched, "girly" voice. "You're nice," he adds. "Have a nice day." Wow, he sure is clever. I think any guy who can come up with "Have a nice day" should expect a long career in show business. Lill votes.
Jeff reads the votes. He starts with the two for Lill. Heh. Then one for Burton. Burton and Jon don't flinch too much at this. Another one for Burton. They flinch a little more noticeably at this. Final vote? Burton. For the second time, the tribe has spoken, you arrogant piece of crap. Snuff! Jon looks a little ill, and quite thwarted. A quick shot of the jury box reveals Ryan-O, Rupert, and Christa knocking fists in celebration that Burton has been sent home. Heh. Yeah, I don't like any of them all that much, but I hear them on that one. Sandra looks over at them and grins. She looks so happy she can barely keep from jumping up and dancing around. Jeff pronounces it another surprise vote, and then he sends them home. Damn, that was good. And as they file out, I do believe you can also see Darrah exchange a look of love with the jury members. I'm telling you, Jon had better hope like hell that Lill stays around, because he has less than no shot against either Sandra or Darrah.
So here's my quick breakdown: Lill-Sandra would go to Sandra, probably unanimously. Lill-Darrah would go to Darrah, quite possibly also unanimously. Lill-Jon would go to Lill, six-to-Burton. Jon-Sandra would go to Sandra, six-to-Burton. Jon-Darrah would go to Darrah, six-to-Burton. Sandra-Darrah is by far the hardest to call. I'd call it for Darrah, Ryan-O-T-Lill-Jon-Burton to Christa-Rupert. On the other hand, my opinion has really no value at all, because I would have bet everything I had against Jenna walking away with such a huge win over Matthew. Whatever.
Burton's parting words are seriously the funniest thing in the entire episode: "It's been an amazing experience to have been voted out and given the opportunity to come back in. Of the four left, I wish Jon the best, and I hope he wins. Lill? I hope you can live with yourself. We had an alliance. You broke it, um, big as Texas, so...I hope you can live with that." You voted for her, too, you idiot. Now, note that in later interviews, Burton has claimed that he was told earlier that Lill had turned on him, and that was what he was talking about. It's ridiculous, though, because he also claims that there was nothing wrong with not taking Lill to the final two for the simple reason that you'd logically never take someone so far that it disadvantaged you. Well, that's all Lill did, too. She stopped hanging with Burton when it appeared that something else might be more beneficial to her. There just isn't any way for Burton to spin that remark that doesn't make him a delusional dumb-ass. After all, there are basically two kinds of alliances. First, there is the "I would never vote against you, ever" kind -- Paschal and Neleh, say, or Colby and Tina. Then, there is the "let's work together as long as it continues to be mutually beneficial" kind. In the second kind, you're both planning to leave eventually, so you've got no call to bitch just because you stop being useful to the other person before they stop being useful to you. That's just tough luck, and -- in this case -- excruciatingly poor play, in that if Burton read the writing on the wall, he could have downplayed the alliance with Jon and given Lill hope about getting to the final two. What was it about sub-alliances? Oh, right. Don't give away your sub-alliance to the rest of your alliance. Learn it, live it, love it. And send me part of the million if you use it to win.