This recap is brought to you by Jessica Alba, Jim Mullen, and enough caffeine to reanimate a corpse. You've been warned.
Previously on One Face, Two-Faced, Dead Face, Blue Face (Canadian title: She Died, Dude): Sandra filched the fish, but she let the rest of the revelers think Christa was the guilty party. At the reward challenge, everyone turned into marshmallows at the mere sight of their peeps, but they let Jonny "Karma Schmarma" Fairplay take the prize after he found out from Big Dumb Dan that his Granny was kaput. Later, Jon and BDD chortled over this whopper while a suspicious Sandra fumed. She may or may not have been "ass out." Tijuana saw her lifeline growing shorter and moved to stop the bleeding, plotting with Sandra and Christa to turn with Darrah against Burton. Probst botched the immunity challenge, but when the dust settled, it was Darrah wearing the Supreme Cutlass. After the challenge, Tijuana foolishly brought Jon into the circle of Burton-booting, and he smelled trouble. The wonder weenie managed to bring Christa and Sandra into an alliance to boot Tijuana herself, an effort that was eventually successful. Thus did Tijuana become the most recent victim of that most debilitating of Survivor illnesses: Failure To Count To A Simple Majority. Sigh.
Credits. Those pirate guys Morgan and Drake look kinda old. They should have some more contemporary pictures taken. Maybe something in front of a gazebo where they're holding roses. Oh, no, I'm thinking of my graduation pictures.
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It is Day 31 at Balboa, where several birds are standing around socializing, all, "Do you think Gwyneth Paltrow really got married?" "No way, she's totally going back to Ben after he loses all of J.Lo's money playing poker." A lizard looks plaintively into the camera, thinking about simpler times. Lill gazes miserably out of the shelter, probably trying to reach Dead Old Granny Fairplay on the other side to tell her how proud she should be of her boy. Elsewhere, Burton and his ultra-sheer boxers -- which I am certainly not examining with Super-Secret X-Ray Specs purchased from the back of a comic book, no matter what you may have heard -- go wading into the water on another meal-fetching mission. Christa and Sandra are hunting for snails or spare change or something of that nature back on shore. "Do you think Jon was lying?" Christa asks idly. Sandra -- who I have just noticed is still wearing dangle earrings, for God's sake -- says that she's starting to think so. She's thinking that attention to what she calls "the bigger bigger picture" would reveal a scam. You know, you call it "the bigger bigger picture" in case anyone confuses it with "the big picture" or "the bigger picture." Clarity is everything, after all.
Christa interviews that the tribal council ended with a last-minute decision to boot Tijuana after Jon agreed to take Christa and Sandra to the final four with him and Burton. "I don't know whether to believe him," she says, "because I can't believe him ever." Good grief. Please be upstanding for the Mayor of Simpleton, kids. Meanwhile, Jon interviews that Christa made him swear on Dead Granny Fairplay's grave that he wasn't lying. He hauls out an old (and, more to the point, unfunny) fat joke that he uses to demonstrate what little good promises are in Survivor, apparently not having heard that when you have nothing to do on an island except sit around balanced on your tailbone, you could at least try not to recycle last week's jokes. Especially when they're not funny enough to make it into Jay Leno's monologue alongside the yuks about how rad Arnold Schwarzenegger is. Jon laughs at his own hilarity nevertheless, because someone told him he was funny in 1993, and he has never forgotten it.
Jon reassures Christa that he intends to take her and Sandra to the final four. Christa says in an interview that she's probably being lied to, and that there's not an especially compelling explanation of why she's cooperating with him anyway, but I guess that's the price you pay for squeezing such a fascinating tale into such a limited amount of screen time and reserving ten minutes for bird gossip and lizards. Christa goes on to say that she thinks she and Sandra would stand a better chance aligning with Lill and Darrah against Burton and Jon than the other way around. For some reason, she seems to feel that there will be some greater security in an all-girl alliance, despite the fact that she's already alienated Darrah with the tribal-council laziness lecture, and the fact that Lill is about as logical as the college football bowl selection process at this point.
Sandra, meanwhile, is starting to work on Darrah, explaining essentially that because she and Christa are evenly matched against Burton and Jon, she needs Darrah's vote in order to do much of anything. Given that Darrah was willing to vote for Burton last night, Sandra reasons that Darrah should be equally willing to do the same thing now. It's bad reasoning, because Darrah's vote for Burton last time was done as part of an arrangement with a different group of people, and that doesn't necessarily mean she'd make the same decision in a different circumstance. In the woods, Sandra spills the ubiquitous beans to Darrah that the deal struck yesterday to boot Tijuana was that Darrah and Lill would go out first, and Christa and Sandra would go to the end with Burton and Jon. Sandra, however, echoes Christa's earlier thoughts by saying that she actually would rather boot the guys first and have the final four be the women. Estrogen forever! Darrah interviews that she anticipates having her vote heavily lobbied over the day or two, so she's playing it by ear (or by pigtail or whatever) until she can figure out the right move. Back at the stealth powwow, Sandra tells Darrah that they need to take Burton out as soon as they get the chance -- preferably in this round, if he doesn't win immunity. Then, they can easily take care of Jon. I think Sandra is referring to Jon's immunity non-threat status, and not his propensity for babushkas when she comments, "Jon is just...like...a girl." I have to say, that came out really stylistically funny, despite being substantively annoying. In fact, the passive-aggressively sarcastic music guy adds a little bongo thump at the end of this comment just in case you missed how funny it was. Which I certainly hope you did not.
Underwater, the non-copyright-infringing non-Jaws music swims with Burton as he stalks a stingray. To the dramatic trumpeting of horns, he successfully spears it, which I don't understand, considering that Rupert and his friends made it very clear that everyone would have starved if not for Rupert, so I don't see how it's possible that Burton could have speared anything for them to eat. I think the stingray must have been inserted with special effects, or possibly it is made of plastic. Back on land, he reveals a bag of several kinds of fish to the women of the tribe, and they all act suitably impressed. Lill actually says, "Oh, big daddy," which is only mildly funny until you notice the look of absolute hate that Darrah shoots her right after she makes this comment, at which point it becomes highly funny. We then get a very interesting shot of what I guess actually is the very cartoonish "face" of the stingray, or at least a very face-like arrangement of gills and air holes. It makes the stingray look like it was part of the stop-action holiday magic of Christmas On The Ocean Floor, starring Freddy the Fisherman and Bippy The Mighty Stingray.
The pending mouth-watering seafood picnic is interrupted by the decidedly non-mouth-watering Idiot Jon, who brings seamail announcing a reward challenge that would seem to promise pampering of some sort. It also vaguely alludes to getting wet. Sandra mentions that she's never happy to hear about swimming or water, because she has no talent for those activities. Which is why she went on Survivor, I guess, because it never requires you to swim and stuff.
We swoop out over yet another complex arrangement of platforms and whatnot floating in the water, and there's Jeff, welcoming the scraggly six who remain to the reward challenge. He congratulates them on lasting as long as they have, as he is wont to do, and then he announces that they will be competing in teams of three chosen at random. The competition is a water obstacle course in which the first person will walk on a floating beam from one platform to another. That person then dives in and unties tow paddles from two separate floating crates, to which they are attached. She'll then climb up onto the platform, where the second person is waiting. The two of them then jump in and dive down to release three underwater floating barrels. Then they'll swim to a third platform, where the third person is waiting, and untie a third paddle that's attached to it. (To the platform, not the person, heh.) Then they'll all swim to shore and retrieve a boat, in which they'll paddle back to the start of the course. So the majority of your winning and losing will come from how adept you are at swimming and fiddling with ropes. It's not the first time this season that it's occurred to me that it would really be to your advantage to have a fetish about being tied up in the bathtub that you had dared on occasion to indulge. Jeff explains that they're playing for an overnight spa getaway. There will be dinner and breakfast, and they'll even get back the swimsuits that they left behind in their luggage on the first day.
Now, it's time to draw teams. This is done by drawing coins from a pouch in a way that will determine not only who's on which team, but what order they will swim in. The first team will be Sandra, Christa, and Burton, in that order. The other team will be Darrah, Lill, and Jon, in that order. Essentially, the first team got the worst possible order for their players and the second got the best possible order, so that pretty well gives away the ending right there, but we can always hope for an unexpected outcome. "Head on out to your spots," Jeff says, calling to mind every Gym teacher who ever tried to teach the finer points of kickball.
They all take their places on their respective platforms. Survivors ready...go! (Thanks, Jeff, you're a peach.) Darrah and Sandra walk out onto their balance beams. Darrah makes it okay, but when Sandra's almost across, she tries to sort of jump for the platform and she falls, looking like she smacks her chin against the platform. They're lucky she didn't knock some teeth out, I'll tell you that right now, because that looked like it hurt. I'm having another of those wonderful reality TV moments where I mutter to myself, "Yeah, that would totally be me. The one racking herself in the first fifteen seconds to the point where she spends the rest of the challenge with little cartoon birds flying around over her head. Yep, me."
Anyway, Sandra indeed seems to be a little stunned as she follows Darrah, who is now a bit ahead of her in swimming to the first crate. Darrah gets one paddle untied. Sandra gets one paddle untied. Darrah gets the second paddle untied. Sandra...doesn't. Lill -- in the Granny Panties of Triumph yet again -- joins Darrah, and they jump into the water to head for the barrels. Sandra continues working on the second paddle. Darrah loses her top as she swims underwater to get the first barrel. Ratings rise in bars across America. Lill, meanwhile, works on the third paddle that's over by the platform where Jon is standing. Sandra gets a little help from Christa with untying the second paddle, while Burton seethes in frustration. Topless Darrah finishes diving for barrels. Burton smacks his head with his hands. Lill unties the third paddle. Lill, Darrah, and Jon dive into the water to head for shore with the paddles. At long last, Sandra unties the second paddle, and she and Christa head for the barrels. Jon, Lill, and Darrah have trouble shoving their boat down the beach as Christa dives for a barrel. A struggling Sandra bobs around in the water as Jon endeavors to push the boat down the sand. Christa has lost her top too, so apparently that barrel-diving is a real strain on the buff tube top. Christa basically drags Sandra to the third platform as Lill, Jon, and Darrah finally get the boat in the water and start paddling. Christa shows up with the third paddle, and Sandra gets dragged up on the platform. Burton, Christa, and Sandra swim for shore -- well, Sandra sort of dog-paddles -- as Lill, Jon, and Darrah head for the finish line. There is to be no magnificent comeback, and we are to be subjected to Jon in a spa setting, because the lead that was taken when Sandra beaned herself eventually holds up through to the end. Incidentally, Darrah never did pull her top up, so it appears that she did that entire thing with her boobs hanging out. Impressive. A frustrated Burton miserably eyeballs Sandra, but then he actually holds out a hand to her as she straggles out of the water. Jeff gives the winners their swimsuits. We are given one last gratuitous shot of dripping wet Burton as we head for the break, although it's combined with Lill wearing the Granny Panties of Triumph. Which I am tired of looking at.
Commercials. Yo, UPS, how you gonna play me like that?
As the winning team skims toward its reward in a boat, Jon explains that this might be the best reward ever. Lill refers to them as having won "the award." Yeah. The award for Least Blows To The Noggin Resulting In A Disorienting Concussion, there, Lill, so bask in the glory while you can. Team Granny Panties is put on a little plane to be taken to the promised spa. As they board, Darrah fantasizes about getting in a bathtub. "Let's party," Lill says unconvincingly, in a way that only reinforces my sense that the last time Lill "partied," ice cream, cake, and a clown named Bobo were involved. Lill points out their island as they fly over it, and Sandra, who can see them from the beach, waves miserably, muttering, "I wish it was me." Well, then, you shouldn't have broken your jaw on the challenge equipment, then, should you? The happiness becomes more than a little silly as we watch whales frolicking in the water under the plane, as if they are escorting it, in the style of Cinderelly's mouse friends, to the spa. Lill talks about the great view, and how she won't be forgetting it soon, and all of that nonsense. She is getting skinny, folks. Jon, meanwhile, can only talk about how big the whole Pearl Islands area turned out to be. Wow, observant. Islands are big. The plane touches down as the Survivors continue talking about how nifty the ride was.
We then arrive at their spa destination. Jon talks about how "cool" it was, as we see that Lill is still wandering around without any pants on, which it just seems is not necessary. They all let themselves into a large hotel room, decorated a little like the Howells' hut on Gilligan's Island. Lill and her panties flop down on the huge bed and drink in the luxury. Among other things, this is their first shot at looking in real big mirrors since they've been gone, and they all spend quite a bit of time checking out how skinny and weird they look. "Oh mah gosh," Darrah says, "look at mah eyebrows." Hee. Shoulda smuggled some tweezers in your sock, honeybun. Lill describes the sight of herself as "shocking." Allow me once more to posit that she might not find it so shocking if she would put on some damn pants already.
Darrah tries out the shower, and Jon takes the opportunity to chat with Lill outside. He warns her that he's planning on telling Darrah that she's going to the top three, just to "keep her from jumping," and Lill says she won't interfere. Jon is working here on slicking back his hair, so it looks like he's already had his shower. It's a shame, the way it didn't help at all. Jon interviews rather idiotically that this was the greatest reward they could have gotten, because it gave him a chance to talk to just Lill and Darrah without worrying about Sandra and Christa. Of course, he would have had the same chance without winning the reward, just as Burton currently has time with Sandra and Christa, so this really isn't the "reward" part. No that Jon would understand anything that subtle. The three spa-goers plod in their beige bathrobes toward the massage hut as Jon explains that it also gave him a chance to recover from some of the strain of the first month of competition. They are all given massages, and Lill comments that they put cucumber slices over her eyes. "I think I needed a whole cucumber to do anything for my skin," she comments, unintentionally setting up a hundred "you need a whole cucumber, but not for your skin" jokes that you can probably write for yourself.
In an interview, still in his massage robe, Jon comments that this has been an opportunity to enjoy the "paradise" part of the Pearl Islands without worrying about the suckier parts of the Pearl Islands. Lill moans way too much during her massage. Can't...stop...thinking... about...cucumber. "Ah feel sorry for Burton today," Darrah comments.
Back at Balboa, Burton is preparing a fish for dinner. The women quiz him about his plans with Jon, and Burton insists that he hasn't even talked to Jon recently about the current plan. Basically, Burton really doesn't want to commit right now, between going with Sandra and Christa and going with Darrah and Lill. Sandra presses, but he tells her that he hasn't talked to Jon and can't say for sure what he plans to do. Christa reports that Jon already agreed to a final four of her and Sandra and Burton and Jon. Of course, this is a difficult position for Burton, because he has had an alliance with Lill. He interviews that he doesn't want to lie to Christa and Sandra any more than necessary, lest he piss them off right before they go to the jury. At camp, he chooses a probably poor route of confronting Sandra about the fact that she and Christa didn't go with Jon last week to save him; they did it to save Christa, who was another of the possible bootees. Sandra interviews that Burton has never talked to her and Christa particularly clearly about what he intends to do. Sandra says that she "let it be known" that she and Christa saved Burton last week. Of course, they did that because they thought it would help themselves (which is totally appropriate), so it's not like it's possible to call in a favor. "You would think that that would count for something," Sandra says. Well, no, I wouldn't. You would, but I wouldn't. Furthermore, Sandra used Darrah and Tijuana to save her own ass last week, and now she's talking about booting Darrah before the final four. Where's the loyalty for that one, huh? Yeah, I thought so. She calls Burton's refusal to promise third and fourth place "a bunch of baloney." Sandra wants to send Burton home as soon as she can.
Sandra and Christa talk to Burton about all the lying, and he correctly notes that the only time you can actually tell where someone stands is when they vote. Christa interviews that this conversation was "a real eye-opener," and that it taught her that the game is every person for himself. I'm sorry, she's figuring that out now? She really is the slowest person ever. I totally believe she would ask for drugs on Usenet under her real name. We see Burton tell her that even your closest friendship isn't as big as the million bucks. Cut to Sandra. GET IT? Sandra? Friend? Million bucks? Betrayal? DO YOU GET IT? Christa says that now she realizes that she should be there to play a game. Good one. Maybe week, she can do multiplication in her head.
Back to the spa. Yuck. Jon, Lill, and Darrah put on brown silk pajamas, bleh. They then walk to a lovely outdoor table, where they are able to peruse the menu. Jon suggests the chicken fingers as an appetizer. Lill suggests clams, but Jon rejects this because of all the seafood they've been eating. Of course, this would be good seafood, ass. As the waiter appears, Jon says that he'll order for Lill and Darrah. Oh, barf. He orders filet mignon for Lill, as she voices over that she "love[s] a man that takes over." I could not want to throw up any more than I do, and I am not kidding. Lill talks some more about how much she liked having the decisions taken away from her, because it's so awesome. In an interview, Jon brags about what a great date he is and how much "fine food knowledge" he has. ["Chicken fingers?" -- Wing Chun] On the heels of this, as the waiter lays down the food, there is a magnificent post-production moment of We're Not Saying Anything, We're Just Cuttin' Tape in which Jon mispronounces "bruschetta." (There's a hard "c" sound in the middle, not a soft "sh" sound.) Lill obligingly tells Jon he's smarter than she is. That may indeed be true of Jon. It may also be true of the table. And some of the food. "As Lill said, I'm much more than just a pretty face," Jon interviews. I'm not sure whether he does or doesn't know just how unappealing he really is, or has noticed how ironic and not at all cute that remark therefore is. The passive-aggressive music guy who throws in the sarcastic flourish right there, however, has noticed.
Jon, Darrah, and Lill all eat dinner. Lill, sounding drunk, tells Jon a story about being out in the water with Christa and Sandra when they vowed to boot Jon and Burton, and asked her if she'd go along. Lill interviews that they talked all about intrigue during dinner. She knows that Jon made certain promises to Christa and Sandra to secure their cooperation in getting rid of Tijuana. "I had to promise on my grandmother," Jon says. Lill acts shocked, because of course, she wouldn't want Jon to damn Dead Old Granny Fairplay to hell by swearing on her about something that wasn't true. "She'll forgive me," Jon says. That was funnier when Gerry did it onBig Brother. Or rather, it was funny when Gerry did it. Jon crows about this in an interview, sure that this was a big moment, even though it obviously has no effect on Lill and Darrah one way or the other.
Back in the hotel room, Lill jumps on the bed. Oh, Lill, please don't. Of course, now she at least has some pants on, so the horror is mitigated. Jon voices over that Lill was antsy and nervous in the hotel room, because they needed to talk about a lot of strategy and she has no patience. He teases Lill about being "the queen of sitting around the camp going," and then he mouths something and laughs, and she takes offense, but I have no idea what he said. She smacks his arm, and then before you know it, she's stomping off to bed, claiming that she's not talking to Jon anymore because she hurt his feelings. Where were the yellow subtitles when I really needed them? I have no idea what he said. Lill interviews that Jon talks down to her -- well...oh, never mind -- and she says that she's seen that pattern before. In especially condescending Boy Scouts, perhaps. Jon and Darrah, meanwhile, sit outside and enjoy a thunderstorm.
Back at Balboa the morning, Christa and Burton stroll on the beach together. She's wearing some kind of giant floaty pants that I just don't understand, either in the sense of where she got them, or in the sense of why she would put them on. Christa opines that Darrah has a good chance at winning immunity, so they need a plan other than her. Burton interviews that Christa was willing to "make concessions" in order to get to the round. As it turns out, as they talk, this basically means that Christa tells Burton she'd be willing to vote out Sandra if that was what he wanted to do . Christa, however, continues to argue that Darrah is the bigger immunity threat: among other things, "she was a cheerleader." Um...huh? I mean, I get that that's somewhat physical, but to the point where you'd assume she'd win immunity, when she hasn't in any challenge that was remotely physical up to this point? Is the immunity challenge likely to be megaphone-yelling? Burton interviews that he wasn't surprised at Christa's willingness to "stab Sandra in the back." Of course, as you all have heard me complain at mind-bending length, I don't even think voting people out counts as "stabbing them in the back" in a game like this, but...that does seem to be the lingo. Burton says that he's not entirely unattracted to the idea of having Christa in the final two with him, because he thinks he could beat her. See, I think there's a whole undercurrent in this season involving the fact that Christa is not a nice person at all -- an undercurrent that they've never really pursued, probably because little ever came of it. But anyway, Burton's comments seem to be further evidence. Burton finally tells Christa that he's willing to do what he can to advance her to the top four. Christa quite brilliantly interviews that Burton knows it's a game. Thanks, hon. She goes on to say that getting rid of Sandra wouldn't be personal. Exactly. Well, except I would have said it less stupidly.
Commercials. Yo, Jami Gertz, how you gonna play me like that?
Day comes to the yellow filters over the cameras at the spa getaway. I am tempted to make a South Pacific joke at the expense of the cinematography, but believe it or not, I used it already. Someone delivers coffee to the hotel room, and then Jon, Lill, and Darrah go outside and find a big breakfast waiting for them. Jon and Darrah manage to find a few minutes over breakfast for a little chat. He tells her that he doesn't want to face Lill in the finals. He wants to face Darrah instead. He voices over that he was able to "feed off Darrah's greed." Again with the greed. It's not greed. It's game play, you maroon. Anyway, Jon makes a deal with Darrah for the final two. In a quick interview after this conversation, she makes the strange claim that although Jon is a snake and lies, "he also tells the truth, too," and she thinks he's telling the truth about this particular thing. We see Jon perfecting his ugly-ass hair. It takes time, you know. Otherwise, it might wind up just ugly or just ass, and you can't have that.
The boat returns to camp, and Sandra pumps Team Spa for details of their adventure. She voices over that when they got back, she was glad the reward was over. Jon proceeds to hold court, lording it over Sandra and Christa how much stuff they got. Lill voices over that she would rather have downplayed it somewhat, but that Jon just wasn't up for that. In an interview, she tries to act cutesy about how it wasn't her fault, because she wasn't the one talking about it. Whatever, Granny-Panties. Jon describes dinner in agonizing detail. "We ate for four hours," he says. "Jon, please tell me you're at least hung over," Burton says as he emerges from the sea. Heh. They should all really stop rubbing it in, but I had a preposterously expensive and magnificent margarita last Thursday night that I similarly could not stop talking about, so I understand. Lill chuckles with Darrah that Christa and Sandra don't seem to know much trouble they're in, and that they're taking it well.
Burton and Jon take a walk on the beach. "Everything's set," Jon assures Burton. He explains that he told Darrah that the only people they could beat were each other. Burton interviews that it sounds to him like Jon did "a great job" at manipulating Lill and Darrah, promising them both the final three. He and Jon then discuss who should go , and Jon says it should be Christa. Burton balks, but Jon reminds him that they can't afford to be nice to anyone. Burton seems to be feeling bad in reminiscence of his own booting, but he says in an interview that this is their strategy -- Jon's the bad cop, Burton's the good cop. He's hoping that, in the end, the votes will go to the good cop. I hope no one on the jury has ever seen Law & Order, or they might figure out that tricky strategy.
The sun sets. Burton and Lill have a little chat, because she's feeling a little anxious, and because you just can't get enough of Lill in night vision, looking like she was there when dirt was invented. Lill asks Burton whether he's still thinking of them as the final two, and he freezes. He won't answer her, which in a sense is its own answer. "Okay, you're telling me now that you've had second thoughts," she says. Burton denies it. He tells her that he just doesn't want to think too far ahead. Liar. Lill interviews about this conversation, and she's not fooled by it at all. She accuses Burton again, by the fire, of having second thoughts. "I'm not having thoughts," he protests. Hee hee. That's all right, sweetheart -- you're purty. "I am not going to screw you over," Lill insists. Burton doesn't know what to say to this. He insists in an interview that he's never promised Lill a place in the top two -- only to take her as far as he could, and never to lie to her. Of course, he just did lie to her, considering that he has a plan with Jon for the final two, and he just denied that he was having second thoughts about taking her to the final two. I'm not sure if he's got some way of cutting this all so fine that he's not lying in his own mind, but he's certainly lying in mine. Mind you, I'm not against lying, just self-righteousness. I'm also now trying to think of a good "he can lie in mine any time he wants" joke, but again, it feels a little too easy. I think we would all feel cheap if I went through with it, so let's just move along.
"I have a feeling I better make immunity, then," Lill says by the fire. In an interview, she seems convinced that she's toast, saying that the only thing she can do to save herself is win immunity. "Then that may even justify me to turn my back on him," she says. Ah, now she's catching on. At long last.
The day brings the immunity challenge. The scragglers scraggle up to an impromptu shooting range. Today's challenge involves shooting a rifle at a series of targets. Once he's retrieved the Supreme Cutlass from Darrah, Jeff explains that they'll be shooting modified muskets that now shoot flares. Heh. They're basically shooting at flag targets. Each person has three particular targets to hit. The first person to hit all their targets wins.
Christa is the first to shoot. She holds the gun so incompetently that it is clear not only that she has never shot a gun, but also that she apparently has never seen Yosemite Sam in a cartoon. Jeff corrects her grip so that she can at least get the trigger pulled. She does, however, hit the target on her first try. Lill misses. Sandra misses. Jon misses. Darrah hits. Burton hits. Sandra misses. Christa hits. Lill misses. Burton misses. Jon misses. Darrah hits. Christa misses. Lill hits. Sandra hits. Darrah hits her final target, and because Burton and Jon have both already missed, that's good enough for her to win immunity. She gets the Supreme Cutlass again, and Jeff sends them back to camp. Hmm, interesting.
Commercials. Yo, Kirstie Alley, how you gonna play me like that?
The group returns to camp. Lill congratulates Darrah on winning immunity. Christa whines in an interview that she almost won, but that she often almost wins. "That's never good enough," she says through her nose. Tragically, there is no second place in immunity. They could invent one -- they could say that with the second-place finisher, you can only vote for her if you can spell her name correctly on your tribal council voting slip, which would actually protect people much more than you'd think. Christa unnecessarily explains that she feels very vulnerable at tribal council. Sandra reassures her as they work at camp that they've already turned the tables once, and Sandra is sure they can do it again. Sandra thinks that it's going to come down to the women's alliance knocking off the guys. Christa reiterates to Sandra that she still feels like she's headed for Loser Lodge tonight. Sandra assures her that she'll be saved. In an interview, Sandra says that they want Burton gone because of his strength, and that she thinks that the most even playing field will be all of the women together at the end. To this end, Sandra has a chat with Darrah. Will Darrah participate in voting off Burton? "No," Darrah says simply. She tells Sandra and an approaching Christa that she's voting off Lill. "I think he's already tellin' her right now," Darrah says, looking out at Lill and Jon.
Meanwhile, Lill and Jon have a walk. Jon tells her that Christa wants the booting of either Lill or Sandra, and doesn't care which, because she wants to be in the final four with Burton, Jon, and Darrah, apparently. And, you know, not to be a bitch or anything, but who in post-production didn't notice that the subtitles say "Christa doesn't care which on [sic] of us goes"? Do subtitles need a proofreader? Come on, people, that's just ugly. Jon tells Lill that, given her attitude, Christa will have to be the to go. Lill agrees. Jon goes into another self-aggrandizing interview about how brilliant he is and how "naïve" everyone else is. Whatever, genius. Jon assures Lill that Darrah has already been consulted, and is also voting off Christa. Ah! Hm, if that's true, Darrah had a pretty good poker face back there with Christa and Sandra. I've seen some bad lying, and that was some reasonably decent lying. Lill interviews that everything she hears continues to support the idea that it's Christa getting the boot. Of course, it appears that she's smart enough to know this isn't to be taken as gospel. "Never take anything for granted," Lill says, carefully guarding her karma like it is a lion cub and she is its wild, untamed mother. The Eagle-Eyed Forum Posters weren't sure if we see a small bird or a huge moth in a spider web, and I'm not sure which it is, either. I started at "bird" and now think "moth" is possible. At any rate, any moth that can pass for a possible bird is pretty big, if you think about it, so maybe that's the point, really. There's a great buddy movie there, too, where Eddie Murphy is the moth and Jim Belushi is the bird...come to think of it, I'm not sure last Thursday's margarita has entirely worn off yet.
Sandra and Christa take a dip in the water, and Sandra says that she doesn't believe that Jon and Burton are really going to give up Lill, who's so loyal to them. Sandra interviews that despite Jon's snakelike qualities, Christa has chosen to believe that he's telling them the truth about taking them to the end, because he swore on Dead Old Granny Fairplay. Christa gives another lengthy interview to the effect that "lying is the way to go," and how it's all dirty, and blah dee blah, who cares, really? It's a game. There's lying. There's cheating. There's dirt. Let's move on.
Clouds go all shifty, and then it's time to get our asses to tribal council at last. The jury files in, featuring Tijuana, looking pretty spiffy in her black top and jeans. You'll be shocked to hear that Rupert is glaring. Jeff starts in this week with a question to Jon about whether the game is friendly or mean or competitive or what. Jon describes it as "hope-filled," saying that you just have to hope that the people you've chosen to make your allies aren't lying, and that you're "carrying the right person to the end." Jeff asks whether the game gives a license to lie and cheat, and Burton correctly says that lying to some degree about what you're doing with strategy is part of the game. "It's just like any competitive game," he says. "You're trying to fake out the other team." Jeff asks Christa if she's lied, and she says she's lied some, but not egregiously. He then asks Sandra whom she'd hate to face in the final two, and Sandra says Lill, because everyone loved her and she would win. Jeff asks Lill whether being universally loved makes her worried in this regard. (Everyone I watched this episode with, incidentally, was going, "Wait, who in the hell loves Lill?," but you sort of have to go with it.) She says it worries her to think that, and that she doesn't think the jury should just go with who's "nice." There's also strategy, as Lill says, not that she's ever employed any herself.
Jeff asks Christa why she shouldn't be voted off. She says that she's rubbed so many people the wrong way that she may not be much of a threat in a final two scenario. It's so refreshing when people can come right out and say, "Everyone hates me! That's my secret weapon!" Jeff asks Jon whether he trusts his relationships in the game. Jon says he does. Sandra is asked the same thing, and says yes. Christa? Yes. Lill? Yes. Burton? Yes. Darrah? Yes. Jeff calls them out on the preposterousness of the fact that they all know everyone lies in the game, but they all claim to trust their alliances. Jeff has figured out that these people are not rocket scientists, I fear. As have the many rocket scientists who are sitting at home not in line to win a million dollars. It actually makes the castaways all laugh a little. Darrah is asked whether she wants to surrender immunity, and she unsurprisingly says no. It's voting time. Hang on to your buffs.
Jon votes. He mutters something about something, but I can't be bothered to figure out what the hell he said, frankly. I take his incoherence as a blessing. Lill votes. Christa votes, saying she sure as heck hopes everyone else is doing the same thing she's doing. Burton votes. Darrah votes. Sandra votes for Lill, repeating her bit from earlier about how nice a lady Lill is. Jeff is off to tally the votes.
Lill takes the votes of Christa and Sandra, and everyone else goes for...Christa. (Sars: "Bye, Misty of Chincoteague.") Christa brings over her torch. Snuff! Jeff calls this "a third surprising vote," and sends them home to think about what they've done, dammit. And they can just clean their rooms, while they're in there.
In her farewell speech, Christa claims to have made great friends. Oh, doesn't everyone? She crazy.
week: Burton doesn't think the chicks have a mutiny in them. Jon thinks he's got an intellectual advantage. Sandra wants to get rid of the "jackasses." Jon kicks the non-corpse of Non-Dead Old Granny Fairplay some more. It's a good thing he doesn't believe in whammies.