Shocking...Simply Shocking!

Previously on The Expression "Unlikely Comeback" Is Not Reserved For Duran Duran's "Hungry Like The AARP" Tour: The Outcasts sent burly Burton and loopy Lill once more into the beach, having resigned themselves to the sad conclusion that Nicole's tube dress had taken all it could take, was rapidly losing elasticity, and just wasn't cut out for two more weeks of grime and intrigue. Drake acted nice to Burton. Burton acted nice to Drake. Drake resented Burton. Burton hated Drake. Lill's return to Morgan was marked by an extended dance mix of Andrew's #1 hit, "Darling, You-oo-oo Condescend [To] Me." A plucky Lill seethed away under her misshapen hat and imagined the bitchin' revenge she could come up with if she just had some tent stakes, a compass, and a hobo stove. The immunity challenge brought a merge, and the tribe was reconstituted as one big, intra-hating group at Camp Drake, where there were plenty of ribs, fruit, and self-pity. Burton -- having eked out victory over Rupert in the keel-haul immunity challenge -- meaninglessly handed the Supreme Cutlass to Rupert at tribal council, making Rupert purr like a contented kitten. Unable to vote for any of the returned Outcasts under the "one free pass" rule, Drake was able to pick up the support of Lill, who was eager to stick a fork in Andrew's eye for his participation in Ye Olde Originalle Boote-Scoute. Andrew's pleas to her were in vain, and she joined Drake in voting him back to his life of fancy suits and being a really big prick to everyone who wears a less expensive tie than he does. (Oh, you can just tell.) Andrew reluctantly left, taking with him his beard, his jacket, and his bluster. Goodbye, Andrew. Future leadership conferences will show a photo of you as part of their PowerPoint presentations on how to work with people. Just after your picture appears, there will be a humorous car-crash sound, and a large red circle with a line through it will be superimposed over the picture, obscuring your face, but you will still have made an important contribution to the field. Frankly, your snuffing made my week. Thanks bunches, babycakes!

Credits. It's hard to believe how much I already don't miss Osten and Andrew. It's like watching : The Jamie Walters Years and being so relieved that he went nutty and vanished into his pumpkin patch.

Commercials. First of all, there should never be a commercial where clowns are running and it's all scary. I don't need the nightmares. Second, why would you advertise a compact car with the promise that it can fit three clowns? Wouldn't that make it the smallest compact car ever? Frankly, I'm shocked that Beppo, Ziggy, and Wiggles would debase themselves by endorsing such a product.

Morning comes on Day 22 at Camp Balboa, Land of the Free, Home of the Merged. Rupert is playing at the fire while everyone sleeps. Everyone, that is, except Lill, trouper of the troop, who's up with the dawn working alongside Rupert. She says, as she plucks something out of the water, that she feels really good -- it's "the difference between night and day." Or between the Camp of the Damned and the Land of Plenty, as the case may be. Lill explains in a mini-interview that she turned on Morgan to boot Andrew, knowing as she did that they would have sent her home at the first opportunity, discarding her like a camp song at the end of summer session. Nobody sings "On Top of Old Smokey" in November, after all. No: in the great tradition of girls who have great personalities, Lill would have been left at home on the night of the big dance, told that while she was a super lady with a fine work ethic, she was destined to sway alone to the strains of "Careless Whisper," wondering why she alone was unlovable. She further explains that while stabbing people in the back would typically make her feel guilty, in this situation, she feels like she did the only thing she could to protect herself. Seriously, if she's implying that she would even consider feeling guilty about ridding the camp of Andrew, I'm going to take my teeny tiny pocketknife and stab her with the nail file attachment. I might even break out the plastic toothpick. It's very menacing -- ask anyone in airport security. Now we see Lill give Christa a big hug as she explains to us with relief that she's no longer "The Cincinnati Workhorse," which I'm sure will come as a rude surprise to...well, to whoever thought that was her name. The guys on the pro wrestling circuit, maybe? Her smooth jazz ensemble?

Now we see Lill in a conversation with Rupert, in which she becomes downright maudlin, talking about how much the hugs and kindnesses of Drake have caused her to "blossom" in this cold, cold world. Apparently, she either doesn't know that the former Drake is a band of contemptible suck-ups, or she doesn't care. Or, I suppose, she knows that she blossoms in the presence of contemptible suck-ups -- in which case there might be a place for her in politics or show business if she ever wants out of scouting. Rupert makes a very weird, googly-eyed face when she's talking, as if he's trying to transmit a telepathic message. Probably "look deeply into my beeeeeard...you do not want to vote for me." Hey, it could work. Lill assures him that whatever Drake decides, she's with it. She's part of the team! She's on board! She's toeing the line! She's walking the walk! She's shaking it like a Polaroid picture! Okay, not that last one. Thank God.

Opening a new chapter in his legacy of legendary big-heartedness, Rupert tells Lill that she's going to be the last Morgan to go, because she's sort of an honorary Drake. Furthermore, he makes the incredibly selfless promise that if she were to win individual immunity, he would even vote for a Drake instead of her. Wow, you mean to tell me that if the rules didn't allow him to vote for Lill, he'd vote for someone else? He's quite a humanitarian. Seriously, what kind of an offer is it for Rupert to promise that he'll take Lill to the final six? I mean, all he's saying is that Ryan-O, Darrah, and Tijuana are going to be booted ahead of her. If anything, he just hurt his own case by telling her flat-out that she's got no chance to break into his little suck-up circle. How can he be so blind as not to know she would obviously go hunting for a better deal in another alliance? He's kind of dumb, I'm telling you. A great fisherman, obviously personable -- at least to people who don't see the self-aggrandizing confessionals -- and very physically strong. But truly, the man is no strategist. When Lill laughs off Rupert's goofy remark about how he won't vote her out if she wins immunity (duh), he gives her an completely unnecessary "don't sell yourself short" speech about how important it is for her to give herself credit for standing up to Andrew. I'll tell you, there's nothing like a "don't sell yourself short" speech from someone with no respect for you at all. Inspirational! So I guess Lill should walk away from this conversation feeling so darn good about herself that she should be honored just to...you know, come in sixth. The great thing about this chat is that Rupert and Lill are both kind of dumb, which makes the whole thing feel kind of like watching two potatoes negotiate with each other. It may not be exciting, but at least it seems like a fair fight.

Now we see even more of Moody Introspective Lill, strolling on the beach and contemplating her destiny and the choices that lie ahead and the lyrics to "American Pie" and, hopefully, what to do with her hair other than tie it back in that very unflattering fashion that makes her look like her forehead goes halfway back to her collar. We see her glance meaningfully at Ryan-O, and now it's time to check in with him. He offers a voice-over about how much tribal council sucked on the night they booted Andrew. Ryan-O thus establishes that he is the only person in America who thinks booting Andrew was a sad development, as opposed to one of the greatest feats of rough justice since the Guidos got left in Alaska. Ryan-O sighs over the fact that Lill decided to jump to Drake because she was mad at Andrew. He doesn't quite get that she was actually mad at all of them, but it's a little late for him to catch on now. He adds that he and Andrew "had a tight bond." (Chicka-bamp, heh.) In his interview, Ryan-O explains that he knows he's on the block, so things are feeling a little queasy deep in the belly of the Ryan-O.

Spotting that Rupert has wandered a few feet away from the action and the cameras (for once), the aforementioned Ryan-O kicks off Operation Save My Own Oft-Displayed Ass by having a chitchat with Burton, who appears to be setting up the grill for today's breakfast service. Ryan-O asks Burton whether he and Lill have a "pact" as far as voting. Burton doesn't entirely answer the question, explaining that he and the Scoutmistress are close primarily because they have been through the same punishing experience. I would, for my own purposes, kind of like to think the experience involved Burton being trained in some kind of knot-tying, but apparently, he's referring to the fact that they were both Outcasts, in case anyone has forgotten. Ryan-O asks Burton how far he thinks Burton will be able to get in the game. Burton doesn't know. Ryan-O reminds Burton that "the four of them" (meaning Rupert, Christa, Sandra, and Jon) are close buddies and will probably boot Burton as soon as it gets down to that. True, that. Ryan-O proposes an alliance made up of himself and Burton, together with Lill and the Darrah/Tijuana Tag Team Of Morganite Women United For The Impassioned Pursuit Of Lying Around. Burton is noncommittal. In an interview, Burton describes exactly what we just saw happening. Thank you, Redundancy Theater. That was a fine production. And a good show, too. Burton mushmouths that there are a lot of possibilities for the game, and anything can happen, and things are still up in the air, and you never know, and sometimes things don't go the way you plan, which is why you should have life insurance. Or something. In a rather brilliant edit, Ryan-O's lament that Lill bolted on the Morgan tribe is followed by a shot of a bunch of little fish apparently attacking a big jellyfish-looking thing. There's no loyalty, man. Not even among the fish. A resolute Burton then sets out to give his dirty, thin boxer shorts a dunk in the water during a good old-fashioned fish-spearing. He still looks, I have to say, disturbingly hot.

Now, the heavy hammer of metaphors and semi-nudity takes a welcome swing at us as Burton pursues his prey. His shorts ripple in their sheer, non-metaphorical way while he goes after and successfully snags a stingray. (There's pretty much an unequivocal essentially-naked ass shot along here, if you're into that kind of thing. Which, as you know, I am.) So Burton is a successful predator...DO YOU GET IT? Back on the beach, he removes the ray from the spear while it's still alive, and he gives it a couple of stabs with his knife. As he does, he seems to jump a little. "These things don't have electric...stuff in them, do they?" he asks. Oh, Burton. I'd love to see your electric stuff. Um, sorry. Anyway, Ryan-O assures him that the rays are not wired. For some reason, the fact that Ryan-O answered this question and is an apprentice electrician made me laugh. Because logically, if you want to know whether a fish is electrical, you'd ask an electrician. If you wanted to know if it was tasty, you'd ask a chef, wouldn't you? At any rate, a nervous Burton asks if Ryan-O is sure about this answer, but just then Rupert comes over to help out or kibitz or whatever will make him look important. Burton encourages Rupert to stick his finger under the stingray's skin. Rupert does so, and then jumps back. "Wow!" he says. Apparently, this is indeed a shocking stingray. In an interview, Burton describes it as "a pretty good charge" that the thing was giving off. They go a few rounds of "Wow, that really hurts -- hey, now you stick your finger in it!," kind of like the old Saturday Night Live sketch where they keep tasting the bad milk, going, "This tastes terrible -- here, try it!"

The stingray, however, is apparently not successful in actually using this fascinating defense mechanism to save itself, because the time we see it, it's roasting on the grill. Lill, followed by an echoing Rupert, describes the meat as "shockingly good." Har. Har. "It's a high-voltage meal," Rupert says, apparently not really understanding puns, which is...I mean, puns just aren't that hard. No one ever refers to food as "high-voltage," even figuratively, so that "joke" makes absolutely no sense. And it's sad, because it's not like he didn't have options. Coulda said the meal made him feel powerful. Could have said the stingray was being provided free of charge. Could have said he'd always heard that stingrays were the joules of the sea. (Okay, no one would have gotten that.) Could have said he just wanted them to eat the fish and not give him any static. Could have said the fishing must have been a great outlet for Burton's pent-up energy (DOUBLE POINTS!) Instead, he went with "high-voltage meal." Sigh. Anyway, Tijuana wisely doesn't try to get cute, and just describes the food as "very good." She knows she's not a wit. In an interview, she praises the availability of food at Camp Drake. There is some more expository material about all the fishing that goes on at Drake, while pirate tootling keeps it up in the background. I can barely fend off the urge to dance a hornpipe. Arrrrrr!

In an interview, Rupert oh-so-generously states that he hopes all the former members of Morgan feel comfortable eating "as much as they want." He pities them for being emaciated. Of course, as he explains, this is all about how much he likes being the one who can hand out the food, so as with all things involving Rupert, it's ultimately about the enlargement of his own legend.

We sweep along the water, and then Jeff is welcoming the tribe to another challenge. He explains that what we are about to see is an individual reward challenge, this time specializing in the use of slingshots. What people will do for this challenge is essentially take shots with marbles at three ceramic plates in sequence. There's a whole thing with fire and a crow's nest and stuff, but it's really stupid and piratey. I'm boycotting all things piratey, I think, and just pretending they don't exist. They can have a theme, but they can't make me acknowledge it. Anyway, you have to break one plate to go on to the one. If you break one out of sequence, you're out. This will be done in two stages -- first, there will be three heats of three people, in which the first person to finish will advance to the final, and then a final round of the heat winners will determine the ultimate rewardee. And what are they playing for? A big, full breakfast the morning. Mmm, breakfast. If they're taking orders, I'll have the Moons Over My Hammy. All the best breakfasts are embarrassing to order.

The first round features Sandra, Ryan-O, and Darrah. Sandra is the first to hit, but she laments that she doesn't like the fact that, due to her bad form, she also bonked herself in the mouth. Heh. I always look for the person in each challenge who does what I would do, and that? Is what I would do. Get the target, but chip a tooth. Ryan-O hits , so he and Sandra are at one target each. Don't worry about Darrah, by the way. She's just smiling and looking pretty. She wouldn't hit nothin'. Sandra hits again. Ryan-O hits again. Ryan-O hits the final target and moves on to the last round. The heat includes Burton, Rupert, and Jon. The short version is that Rupert smokes everybody and moves on to the round. The long version, however, includes the fun fact that Jon hits a target out of sequence and is disqualified, leading Jeff to remark, "One more challenge Jon cannot finish." You know, I'm surprised Jeff hasn't actually punched Jon in the mouth by now. It would almost be more merciful than this Death By A Thousand Times That Jeff Can Barely Be Bothered To Tell You How Badly You Suck. Oh, and Rupert has his hair back in a ponytail secured with what kind of looks like a scrunchie, because the skirt just wasn't studly enough. up are Tijuana, Lill, and Christa. Christa has the worst form of anyone in the competition, making weird faces and leaning in odd directions and generally acting like the nitwit I'm beginning to think she, in fact, is. Lill and Tijuana each get a hit fairly early, and then Lill manages another one by first chipping the plate, and then kicking in the air and praying and getting very, very lucky. Tijuana gets another one by smacking the same plate about three times until it finally breaks. In the end, the winner of the heat is Lill, who acts very surprised. "Cincinnati, represented!" Jeff says. Ew, Jeff, don't do that. Get into the whole "represented" thing, and it's only a matter of time before much more objectionable phraseology starts working its way into your vocabulary. And no one wants to see that hizzappen.

In the final round between Rupert, Ryan-O, and Lill, she hits first. She also hits second. Wow, could it be that Lill will be the winner? Oh, of course not, because that would mean Rupert wouldn't be the center of the universe. So of course, Rupert comes on strong with several hits and takes the whole thing out from under her. Man, I am so totally Rupert-ed out right now. You know how they feel about rice? That's how I feel about Rupert. Lill, never one to hold grudges, warmly congratulates him. Jeff tells Rupert that he can choose someone to go with him to breakfast, or he can give breakfast away to someone who will then choose someone else (other than Rupert himself) to go with him. Big Daddy Rupert decides to give away breakfast. Now, obviously, the logical person for him to give breakfast to would be Lill, considering how well she performed, but he gives it to Burton, in supposed recognition of Burton's meaningless handing over of immunity to him at the night's tribal council. Wow, if Burton really got the breakfast reward in exchange for a completely inconsequential giving over of the Supreme Cutlass, then that's one of the biggest suckerings I ever saw. In the end, though, I think Rupert's dumb, but even I don't think he's quite that dumb. No, this is just more of Rupert's crusade to prove that only he is worthy, and only he is really committed to the tribe. Look how giving he is! He's totally my role model. Anyway, as Burton contemplates whom he should take along -- with, again, the obvious person being Lill, given that (a) they're natural allies, and (b) she almost won the challenge, Rupert just has to mutter, "Take Lill," because he is the boss of everyone at all times and IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY! Burton does take Lill, which Rupert undoubtedly believes is because of his bossy ass, but which, as we will see, is quite obviously because Burton wants to scheme with her against Rupert. Oh, how I do love irony. It's nice to see people you don't like eat crow, but it's also acceptable for it to be administered intravenously while they're not looking.

Christa and Jon have a chat in which she says she thinks it might be wise to boot Burton first, just to make sure he won't sneak in and win. As they discuss tossing Burton, Jon warns Christa of the approach of Rupert, and she clams up. Jon claims to Christa that Ryan-O is the "least trustable [sic] guy out of anyone here." She seems surprised by this, but Jon assures her it's true. He may be (and in fact is) a total asshole, but he's not a complete dummy, in that he's deftly turning Christa's attention away from his ally Burton back to his non-ally Ryan-O. Christa interviews that she's not really so sure what she should do in this "very confusing situation." She says she doesn't feel like she's lied to anyone "quite yet."

Elsewhere, Burton works his mojo on Christa by telling her that Ryan-O came to him to warn him about Rupert and the hangers-on and asking him to participate in an alliance against them. Burton acts like he thought this was really stupid, and would never even have considered Ryan-O's offer, when in fact he almost exactly agrees with Ryan-O's position...except for the part of it that would have saved Ryan-O himself. Jon voices over that he and Burton are well aware of the closeness of Christa, Sandra, and Rupert. Jon goes on to interview that he would willingly stab anyone in the back, and that he has no loyalties. I must say that as much as I despise him, I respect him for admitting this, rather than playing false games about loyalty the way most of them do, recasting all of their behavior so that they are honorable, and it's just the other people who play dirty.

The tribe gets in the boat and heads for tribal council. The sun sets, because that's what must be done in preparation for tribal council. If the sun didn't set, how could they conduct the meeting? The usual ominous music plays as they all climb the stairs and settle in at tribal council. Jeff starts the questioning with Lill, asking her how it is having two adversarial tribes living in the same place. She says it's been great. She feels like she's got a new family, which makes Ryan-O roll his eyes in disgust. Family, schmamily. Lill also says that more of her personality has been able to come out, and that she laughs and has more fun. I actually think I could do with a little less of Lill's personality, but...she's the Scoutmaster around here. At any rate, she happily notes that the atmosphere is really different from the way it used to be.

Jeff asks Christa about work ethic, and she launches into her bitchfest about how nobody works enough, and how the ex-Morgans don't jump in and do work, and how they're all lazy and so forth. She protests that it's not her job to tell people what to do, so she doesn't want to -- apparently, she just wants to be able to set the schedule and everyone else should guess when they have to do work in order to please her. Whatever. She gives me a pain. Darrah answers that at the Camp of the Damned, their routine was more to divide the day into Lying Around Time and Work Time, and she insists that she would indeed go get firewood, she just might not rush off to get it at exactly the same time as Christa, and that this doesn't necessarily make her lazy. Again, I both agree and disagree with both of them. I do think Darrah's lazy, but I also think Christa's way too full of herself and way too sure that she should be able to set the schedule by which everyone else should do everything. Putting a lazy-ass up against a plain old ass, it's hard for me to pick a side.