Previously on Quitters Never Win, And Winners Never Get Imprints Of Jeff Probst's Boots On Their Sternums: Morgan and Drake were thrown for a loop when the six bootees -- Nicole, Ryan S., Lill, Burton, Michelle, and Trish -- were given the opportunity to compete for a shot at sending a couple of their number back into the thick of things, where they could awaken like Bobby Ewing from the terrible dream of their elimination and reappear in the steamy shower of the endgame. Unsurprisingly, their competitive endeavors were successful, and both Morgan and Drake were sent to tribal council to boot a member who would later be replaced by one of the "Outcasts." Drake passed up the tempting opportunity to give relief to their ears, eyes, and noses by getting rid of Jon. They sent the burly but unpredictable Shawn home instead. Morgan, on the other hand, was saved from its angst by Osten's decision to throw in the towel. At the Morgan tribal council, Osten was...well, he was sent home in disgrace. There's really no other way to say it. A disgusted Jeff expressed the hope that better things might be in the offing for Morgan. Both existing tribes went back to their respective camps knowing they'd soon be joined by someone they'd already gotten rid of once. Heh. Snack on that, suckers. Generally speaking, Andrew, Rupert, Christa, and Sandra all acted like arrogant seventh-grade creeps, while Jon continued waving the flag for dinks of all kinds like some kind of goodwill ambassador for the deeply odious. Tonight, the Outcasts will vote two of their own back into the game, Morgan will continue not eating, and Jon will undoubtedly do that thing with his fingers again.
Credits. Wow, you know, Andrew and Ryan-O both used to be a lot cuter before their bodies started devouring their lean muscle mass. It just goes to show that when shopping for boyfriends, you might skip the ones who are prone to hunger strikes.
Commercials. I would rather paint my toenails with battery acid than watch an entire movie in which Mike Myers plays the Cat in the Hat. I would pass my Yearly Allowance of Childlike Whimsy in about four seconds and then spend the rest of the time clawing at the exit door. No, thanks.
Tonight, we open with the Outcasts making their Outcasty way to the tribal council area to make the fateful decision about which two of them will be voted back into the game to seek revenge and, much more important, get a few more whiffs of fame before shuttling off stage right. They settle into their seats for Jeff's Fireside Chat with, as he points out, bigger smiles than have perhaps ever been seen at tribal council. Ryan S. even makes the little devil horns, he's so excited. (Tribal council! Woooooo! Rock on!) Jeff congratulates them on their not-at-all-engineered- no-sirree victory in the challenge, and reiterates that two of them are about to be sent back into the game. He asks Michelle how she felt when she first heard about the possible reanimation of the dead, Survivor-wise. "I almost wet my pants," she says, with all the grace and class of...well, of a girl wetting her pants, pretty much. She reiterates that all that any of the Outcasts had in their minds was revenge, and they got it, so everyone's feeling much better now.
Jeff turns to the Big Skinny, asking Ryan how much the revenge factor played out for him, considering that the buff on his head says "DIE, JERKS," so one would almost think he was a trifle bitter. Ryan says that it was a "huge motivation" for him, because he felt that the members of Morgan never accepted him or gave him a chance. He opens up the floodgates of spite talking about how great it was to be done with the challenge and to look over and see dweebs like Andrew still struggling to finish. Ah, yes, young Ryan...let it all out...there's no point in suppressing the petty. Let it flood your soul. That's what I always do. Jeff comments on the overwhelming emotion of the post-challenge celebration, and asks Burton -- the Outcasts' obvious leader -- what the "key factor" was in their victory. Burton unforgivably forgets to mention the big love of Mark Burnett and his team of fixers, and instead claims that the key was the Outcasts' determination and ability to work as a team. It's always the people behind the scenes who are forgotten.
Jeff explains that each person will now have a chance to pitch himself or herself as the best Outcast to reenter the game. He starts with Nicole. And if you think Nicole is going back into the game, you're almost as gullible as Lill. Nicole argues that she got booted for telling the truth, so she'll be the best one to keep on telling the truth. And...get booted again, presumably. Nice speech, genius. On to Mama Lill. She says that she should go back in because she wants to prove the Morgan "sonofabitches" wrong about her. As she says she wants to prove she's tough, we see a very nice and very affectionate Ryan S. smile, which may or may not be creatively edited. It certainly looks Lill-appropriate, in that it looks like he loves her and thinks she's nuts. And if he thinks that? I feel him. Trish says that she wants back in because she's never been one to take her eye off the ball, winning-wise. If she goes back in, she'll be totally devoted to seeing an Outcast take home the prize. I'm not sure that these people who are using the "I'm going to keep doing it just like I did it before" argument are going to get very far. One could argue there was a flaw in their strategies the first time, no? We move on to Michelle, who makes some kind of counterintuitive argument that the best way to be tough is to send the cute girl, or something. I don't know. I'm not sure she's got the sophistication for reverse psychology, if that's her intention, and I think we all know she's certainly not going back in anyway. Ryan S. argues that he loves the game the most, and repeats the vow they've all been making that he would be sure to bring the victory home to an Outcast. I actually would have loved to see them send Ryan, just to see how incredibly angry Andrew would have been. "Pissant! Misfit! Loser! Uhhhh, please don't vote me off!" Heh. Anything that would make Andrew grind his teeth would fill me with girlish giggles, just by definition.
Anyway, now Jeff moves on to Burton, who's like, "Duh." I mean, he goes to the trouble of making an argument about how he's strong and competitive, and how badly he wants to win, but it's basically, "Duh." He also gives his word that he'll never lie to whatever other Outcast returns to the game. Come on, you know they're sending Burton. These people love him. He's the older brother and the wilderness guide and the porn star all wrapped up in one guy. I'd vote him into the game myself. I would even vote him into my apartment. Welcome, himbo! Take off your shoes; you'll be staying a while. The door locks from the inside. With a key.
Jeff explains to the gathered Outcasts that they're each going to head up to the voting pot and vote for two people to go back into the game. And no, sneakypants, you can't vote for yourself. Whichever two of them receive the most votes will head back into the drama, the intrigue, and the limited rations. Of course, the thing to do if you want to go back yourself is to vote for people you think won't get votes from other people, but you risk a situation where everyone else has the same thought as you and you'll wind up sending, like, Michelle and Nicole back in. It's interesting; I don't know how I'd strategize this vote.
Ryan S. votes, and we see that one of his votes is for Lill. "Lill," he says, "I would never put your name down unless it was for somethin' good. If it's not me, I hope it's you." Aw, that was extremely cute, even though they showed it superimposed over that weird curvy frown Lill has that makes her look like Beaker from The Muppet Show. up is Trish. One of her votes goes to Burton. "If I can't win," she says, "I want another Outcast member to win." up is Burton. We see neither of his votes. Lill casts one of her votes, unsurprisingly, for Ryan. "I want you in almost as much as I want to be in, and I hope we can be together," she says. Aw. They're so Harold and Maude. Or, you know, Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones, only backwards. We see neither of Nicole's votes. Michelle casts one of her votes for Nicole. Nicole? See, I think that was a craven attempt to avoid giving votes to any likely contenders. Because I don't think anyone thinks Nicole is going to be kicking any Morgan or Drake ass. I don't think Nicole could even kick any Starbucks barista ass, so...yeah. Not Nicole.
Jeff goes off to tally the votes on his secret pirate-themed abacus, and soon returns with the vote pot. He starts reading votes. Burton. Lill. Burton. Lill. Michelle. Nicole. (Nicole?) Ryan. Trish. Ryan. Nicole. (NICOLE?) And the winners are...Burton! Lill! "I am a nice person!" Lill says with shock as she realizes that she's going back into the game along with Burton. "Those guys are goin' down," Burton growls with a grin. I thought that was kind of sweet, even though something about Lill unsettles me. It may be her uniform. I don't know. Burton and Lill are sent over to grab their torches, and are allowed to dip them into the fire and be lit again. Fire is life, you know. You will also recall that Lill's torch anviliciously refused to go out the first time she was booted. There really are signs everywhere! Jeff then turns to Michelle, Nicole, Ryan, and Trish, and tells them that now, it's time for them to leave for good. They go, one by one, and as he leaves, Ryan stops to give an obviously heartfelt hug to Lill. Awwwww. What are you, made of stone?
Now that we've cut away the riffraffiest of the riffraff, it's time for Lill and Burton to find out which tribes they'll be going back to. This will be done by choosing buffs from a closed container, so either of them could go back to either tribe. In the container is one Drake buff and one Morgan buff, and Lill is the one to go up and pick out a buff. When she reaches her hand in, pulls a buff out, and sees Morgan orange, she is visibly dismayed. She hates her old tribe a real, real lot, in case you haven't picked up on that yet. "Oh, God help me," she mutters with an eye roll. Heh. "Guys, you have a second chance," Jeff says. "Nothing to be said, except make the most of it." Disproving the whole "nothing to be said" part, though, he keeps talking, which means he's kind of ruining his own moment. Just saying. Anyway, Jeff reminds them that they'll be immune from the vote in order to give them a little time to assimilate. Then, it's time to send our two new ghosts back to their old tribes to wreak a little havoc. At least, that's what I'm hoping for. Is it wrong that I now find Burton really hot? Do I love him more because he's all cold and mean now? Come to think of it, based on past experience, that's not implausible.
Commercials. Kirstie Alley has lost her ever-lovin' mind.
Lightning flashes at Camp Drake, where the tribe members are awaiting with dread the arrival of their new member. Sandra says she's hoping for Lill or Ryan S. "If it's Burton, I will fall out," she says, making me want it to be Burton just because I can't stand how full of herself Sandra is and kind of want to see her "fall out," just to find out what that entails. She adds in an interview (in which she looks unreasonably fabulous, by the way) that she was worried that if Burton came back, he'd be mad at everyone. For, you know, conspiring to vote him off and stuff. Of course, Rupert would presumably support Burton in screaming his head off for ten minutes at everyone who voted for him, because just as Rupert was catching fish, Burton was helpfully winning challenges. How dare they vote for him!? Gee, I wonder if Rupert will apologize to Burton for telling Christa and Sandra and Trish they should vote for him. Probably. Anyway, they all start to go to bed expecting to meet their new tribemate in the morning, but Burton materializes on the beach out of the darkness just as they're settling in. (My God, I've had dreams just like this!) He walks over to camp, voicing over that he's excited about getting back in the game -- a chance he never thought he'd get. When he gets over to the tribe, he's all smiles and hellos, acting like he's not upset with them at all. In an interview, Rupert notes how this happy and positive attitude pumped Drake right back up. Hmm, you mean he didn't go on the attack like a total psychotic? How bizarre! No wonder Rupert is confused. The rest of the Drakes, reading the writing on the wall, apologize for voting for Burton, just dearly hoping that he's that stupid. I think not. Nevertheless, he assures them that it's water under the bridge, and not to worry. Sandra interviews that they're all on good terms now, and they're glad Burton's back, because he's strong, and now the tribe will go further. In an interview, Burton says that he's part of the tribe again, but that he certainly hasn't forgotten being voted off. "In the end, it's a game about deceit," he says. Couldn't have said it better myself, cutie-pie.
Thunder is also crashing over at Morgan, which has regained its rightful place as Camp of the Damned. Huddled in the shelter, the remaining Morgans note the approach of a light -- a light which turns out to be attached to Lill. As they walk back to the shelter, Andrew gives her some kind of shit about how they love her, and she pretends she still likes them and just wants to please Andrew. Yeah, right. In an interview, Lill says that they all acted happy to see her, and she knew they were all completely full of it. She, the fifty-one-year-old scout leader, literally says, "I'm thinking, 'Whatever.'" Heh. A very weird night-vision scene that makes Lill look like Methuselah's mother follows. Andrew feeds her a line about how much they've missed her, and then he interviews that he knows she doesn't believe him anyway, because he was part of her ouster the first time around. Well, at least he's giving her that much credit.
At this point, my TiVo cut out about a minute and a half of show (it's a long story), which unfortunately, as I understand it, covered Rupert's very touching conversation with Burton in which they made up over all the teasing from before. I'm sure that conversation, had I seen it, would have totally changed my mind about Rupert. ["Not really; he was full of shit, all trying to be magnanimous to Burton as if he's the king of the game. The usual, basically. Oh, and there was some blah about how Rupert is the gigantic blowhard he is today because he was picked on as a fat kid in high school, and that Burton and Shawn reminded him of the mean jocks who victimized him then, which may be why he lashed out at them. Healthy!" -- Wing Chun] My TiVo is good to me, as usual. At any rate, when the recording kicks back in, Rupert is apparently saying that Jon would be the logical boot when they go back to tribal council. So he and Burton are all friendly and made-up and stuff. time we hear Pirate Pete and the Peg-leg Parrots, I predict they will be singing "Kumbaya." It will start, of course, "Ya-ya-ya, ya-ya-ya-ya."
A bird flies lazily over Morganland as the tribe members wake up to their cold new reality. For one thing, Lill is horrified to see that they don't have water or firewood or food -- all things that you'd think would be crucial to island life. And while I get how they might not have much food if they're not having luck fishing, if they don't have water, that's because they really are slackers. As Andrew and Lill stand around the fire together, he apparently decides that the way to win Lill over to his side is to talk a lot about how much he resents her being there. He goes on and on about how unfair the twist was, after Morgan worked so hard to come back, and how horrified he was by it, and how much he doesn't think it should have happened, and how great of a guy he thinks he is for putting up with it. That's a hell of a strategy, there. I can't imagine any flaws in that plan, as long as he can avoid all the rules of human nature. In an interview, Andrew reiterates how angry he was. I don't even think fairness has much to do with Andrew's level of frustration, really -- I think it has to do with realizing that, had he been slightly less of a prick, this wouldn't all be blowing up in his face quite this badly. No one likes to learn that his behavior has consequences, Andrew: it's been frustrating first-graders for years. Don't feel alone. He then offers a platitude about how the members of Morgan "welcome the curve balls." Which, clearly, Andrew does not. Andrew hates curve balls. Andrew hates everything that upsets his tidy universe in which he is the sole occupant of the Silver Lexus of Destiny, in which he is gunning toward the finish line, equipped with polished steel cup holders and a GPS system, running over all the lesser humans and leaving only the faint odor of his noble exhaust behind him.
Lill says in an interview that she's again trying to fit in again and to find a niche for herself. Lill is driving the Nash Rambler of Comical Persistence.
Commercials. That Island of Misfit Snack Mascots commercial for Target is kind of cute, but also kind of disturbing. Mr. Peanut just looks like he would never fit in with the rest of them. I think Mr. Peanut would be teased and end up in therapy. (Insert nut joke.) (Apologize for nut joke.) (Get nasty email about nut joke.) (Make additional nut joke.) (Repeat as needed.)
A voice warbles as we watch a few fish frolicking in the water, and then return to Camp Drake. The tribe is investigating some pieces of fruit from a tree they've located. They look like oranges, but it's clear from the associated facial expressions that they taste more like lemons. Burton mentions that the discovery of this new tree is one of the little changes since he's been away. Rupert, Christa, and Burton set out to find the tree and grab some more fruit, much to the dismay of a nervous Jon, who rightly wonders whether there's plotting going on. While they walk, Christa says that she objects to Jon because she thinks they should always tell the truth, and Jon has a way of telling lies. Oh, great. She's going to be one of those "the game is all about honor" people. That won't be tiresome at all. Burton tells Christa and Rupert that there will be no more lying from him, because if the members of Drake tell lies to each other, Morgan will only wind up taking the whole thing out from under them. Christa opines that they should "screw Jon," because he'll betray them in a minute once there's a merge. Incidentally, Christa is wearing a black sweater during this scene that I believe was once Trish's, although I couldn't swear to it. You'd better believe if I got booted in a situation like this, all my useful clothing would go with me, one way or another. Nobody's celebrating my ouster in my sweater. Anyway, Rupert shows his usual mastery of wacky strategery by apparently arguing that Jon isn't, in fact, likely to ally with Morgan, because Morgan won't trust him. Does he not get that Morgan doesn't have to trust Jon to ally with him, any more than Drake has to? He is a good fisherman, Rupert, but no rocket scientist, if you get my drift. Burton gently teaches a lesson in remedial Survivor, reminding Rupert that Morgan might ally with Jon even if they don't like him. We'll just let that penetrate Rupert's beard while we go and do something else.
We swoop back to Morgan, where many little crabs are storming the beach, furious that there is no food for them to run all over. One lizard is standing very still, and at first I think he's doing yoga, but then he dashes off and starts skittering around, so apparently it's more of an aerobic benefit that he's going for. The gathered Morgans discuss the fact that they are currently cooking their last serving of rice. Andrew looks around miserably, and then we get a great shot of a lizard who's all, "Don't any ideas -- I'm a reptile, and we're really stringy. Yuck!" As the tribe eats its meager last meal, Andrew says, "Food, as of this morning, definitely shifted from 'critical' to 'dire.'" He calls the situation "terrifying" and says that he doesn't know what they'll do. Die, probably. A weak-looking Tijuana says that they've now lost the one reliable staple they had, and that she can't help thinking this will adversely affect their performance in the challenges. What, the starvation? Could be.
Speaking of challenges, without any mention of the seamail that brings them there, the tribes meet up at a beach where Jeff is standing. He asks them how everyone's doing, turning to Sandra for a food update. Rather than just say they're doing fine, Sandra continues unveiling a pretty ugly side of her personality by rubbing it in Morgan's noses how much they're eating -- how the members of Drake are eating lots and lots of fish, rice, corn, beans, and so forth. She certainly never misses an opportunity to take her good fortune and roll around in it. It tends to cast a little bit of a different light on her raiding of the Morgan camp so many moons ago. Perhaps Morgan's sense that she was enjoying it a little too much had a better basis than it seemed to at the time. Jeff turns to Andrew, who admits that Morgan has pretty much run out of food at this point, and that they're eating mussels and coconut. That sounds like food to me, but apparently it's not to Andrew.
Jeff moves on to the business at hand by asking the tribes whether they came to this little meeting expecting a merge. Andrew says no, he doesn't expect a merge, nor does he expect "some big buffet" to be revealed. Jeff pulls the double-switch by saying that now that they don't expect a merge, they're getting one. Time to drop your old buffs; we're merging. Tijuana tears up with happiness -- either because she's so relieved to have made it to the merge or because she's so happy that they might actually get food now -- and she and Ryan-O share a hug. Hell, I'd hug Ryan-O, too; I wouldn't even need a merge. Jeff reminds them that, from here on out, all challenges will be individual, and they'll be one big happy family on Drake's beach. Jeff reveals the immunity idol, which is a sword you can hang over your shoulder. That's just dumb-looking, in my opinion. It's very Monty Python.
At any rate, they're now competing for individual immunity. Jeff explains that today's competition is based on the old pirate punishment tradition of keel-hauling. Essentially, if you were a bad pirate, they would drag you under the boat, where you would have to hold your breath, and where you could be cut up by barnacles or eaten by sharks. Sounds just about right for Jon, if you ask me. I suspect they'll wind up diluting it, though, which is a damn shame. Jon torn up by barnacles would be good television. I would watch any show that was called Jon Bleeding. I would watch Jon Bleeding: The Mosquito Bite Chronicles, or Jon Bleeding: The Paper Cuts, or Jon Bleeding: Bar Brawls and Other Beatings. But I digress.
Basically, how the challenge works is that you dive into the water and swim under a long, narrow platform by pulling yourself along a rope. When you emerge on the other side, you climb up a ladder and out, and then you race back to the starting point. They'll be running two laps to a heat and two heats total, with the top finishers from the first round competing in the second. It's really not a lot like keel-hauling, given that there are no sharks and no barnacles and it only takes a few seconds at a time. But the pirate theme continues, so let's just go with it. It could be worse. I have to assume plank-walking remains in the offing. And maybe shooting parrots off of people's shoulders. I can't wait.
The first heat involves Tijuana, Christa, Rupert, Jon, and Sandra. Way to put Rupert against a tough field of challengers. (Eye-roll.) Rupert is in the lead the whole way, and a particularly pitiful showing from Sandra brings up the rear. In the end, Rupert and Jon are the top finishers who will be advancing. How delightful. It's a sad water challenge when the people who win are the ones you'd most like to see drown.
The heat involves Andrew, Burton, Darrah, Lill, and Ryan-O. The most notable thing about this heat is that Andrew is totally in the weeds the entire time. He claimed in a later interview that he was without glasses or contacts, and thus couldn't see at all, and from what we can see, that appears to be a plausible explanation, relatively speaking. Ryan-O and Burton make a particularly nice sight emerging from the water, I must say. Very scenic. It's all about Burton and Ryan-O sprinting to the finish. And actually, I'm all about Burton and Ryan-O sprinting to the finish.
So, our final round consists of Jon, Rupert, Ryan-O, and Burton. Because of the rope-pulling aspect, this was primarily an upper-body-strength test, which certainly explains the presence of three of the four finalists. As for Jon, I don't know. He's got various deals with Satan in place, so...whatever. The final round involves five laps instead of two, so there's a little bit more endurance involved and, one hopes, a little more opportunity for the better guys to distinguish themselves.
Blah blah blah, swim swim swim, the winner is Burton. You mean Rupert didn't win? How is that possible? What is up with the universe? My favorite part is that Burton doesn't even need immunity, but he takes it anyway, pretty much so that Rupert doesn't win it. Rupert may be the loudest, but he's not the Big Dog today, thank God. Jeff tells Burton that he already has immunity as a result of coming back as an Outcast, but that he can still choose to give the necklace/sword thing to someone else and remain immune himself if he wants to. An interesting situation for our emerging dark-horse hero.
As the tribe takes off, Jeff casually mentions that the buffet Andrew said he wasn't expecting is waiting back at camp. Morgan, for obvious reasons, is very relieved.
Commercials. Okay, that Tampax commercial where the teacher asks if she has enough for the whole class is just creepy as all hell. I don't know what class that is, but I recommend they go directly from there to Advanced Boundaries.
The newly merged tribe rows toward the beach, as Rupert voices over that just when you think you have the game figured out, the tribes merge. What a shock! They merged, just as they have in every other season! Who knew that the game plan would have to involve that? Certainly not Rupert, who has been encouraging his team for weeks not to figure a merge into their plans. He interviews that their new tribe name is Balboa, which he likes because it's the name of his dead snake. He talks about how nice it is to have "new people in [Drake's] home," and then we see the boat-o-Balboas make landfall.
Happiness ensues. There is lots of hugging, and Tijuana voices over that it was all very friendly and happy. When they make it to camp, they see that, indeed, a large banquet has been laid out for them. They get ribs, cheese and bread, fruit, and apparently quite a bit of wine. "We just tore down," Sandra says. I guess she's prone to "tearing down" right after she "falls out." Rupert adds that he thought the feast was great, too. That's important, because God forbid anything should happen on this show without our being told how Rupert felt about it. As much as I tend to blow off the editing explanation for my impressions of contestants, I will say this: it's possible that Rupert wouldn't annoy me so much if they hadn't developed such an absurdly single-minded fixation on him at some point that results in my having to listen to him flap his yap every five minutes in every single episode about everything that happens. I believe that Rupert is exactly as he appears -- volatile, egotistical, obnoxious, and ultimately well-intentioned -- but if I weren't having him relentlessly shoved in my face like a copy of Watchtower, it's possible that he wouldn't bug me so intensely.
Anyway, the members of Morgan clearly take particular joy in this repast, since it's the first thing they've eaten in a long, long time that wasn't rice, beans, or coconut. Andrew voices over that the food "made [him] feel human again," and then he puts his arm around Rupert. Because they're best buds. "From a morale standpoint, I realized that I may actually make it out of this place," Andrew interviews with a smile, as the giant circling bird of foreshadowing calls "Caw, caw" above his head.
Back at a conversation among the women, Sandra is explaining that she depends on Rupert for food. It certainly sounds like it may be an explanation of Sandra's limited attachment to Rupert in any other capacity, but that part we don't see. Lill interviews that, for a little while, everybody really was getting along well and enjoying their meal together. She says that she quickly became aware, however, that the game would soon be on again, so she had a limited amount of time to start playing.
Morgan holds a little conference in which Andrew talks to Tijuana about which Drake they'd like to boot first. Andrew wants to get rid of Jon, because like the rest of America, he finds Jon a thoroughly revolting person. Jon, meanwhile, is chatting up Lill, who tells him that she knows perfectly well that if she didn't have immunity this round and Morgan had lost, they would have tossed her in a second. "They're so tight," she says, referring to Andrew, Tijuana, Darrah, and Ryan-O. "The four of them are so tight." Jon interviews -- being a little more normal and a little less prick-like than usual -- that he was happy to see that Lill was still bitter toward Morgan for kicking her out. He goes to Rupert and reports that Lill hates Morgan. Rupert smiles and shakes his head, as he generally does when he's thinking about how much smarter he is than everyone else. Rupert voices over: "We were trying to figure out how we could turn one Morgan against the others, and we find that little Lill already kinda resented them for voting her out." I'm sorry, "little Lill"? Good God. Like he's not condescending enough, he has to resort to calling an adult woman who is not physically small by any definition "little Lill"? Pat her on the head, why don't you, you big pirate? And then shut the hell up, because you exhaust me.
Burton is sent (logically enough) as an ambassador from Drake to approach Lill about voting with them. He tells her that the rest of Drake likes her just fine, even though they don't know her, and that they're willing to adopt her into their alliance if she's willing to be adopted. "Are you sure?" she asks him. "Yes," he says confidently. She interviews that Burton told her that she and he could "go all the way" together -- ew, not like that! -- and this clearly put her mind at ease. It's a hell of a lot better than sticking with Morgan, who will clearly give her the boot at the earliest opportunity. "I have to think that maybe he's on the up-and-up," Lill says. Even if he isn't, it's a better offer than Morgan's going to make her.
As Ryan-O and Darrah pick their teeth -- no, really -- she asks him what Lill's plan is. "I have no idea," he says through the toothpick. Andrew voices over that they've seen Lill talking to Burton quite a lot, and that this makes them nervous about the possibility that she might go over to Drake. Gee, ya think? "If Lill goes to the bad guys, we're in serious trouble," he says. Andrew approaches Lill. "You want to vote with the Morgans?" he asks her. "It's important to us." I'm sorry, "it's important to us"? What does that mean? "Do it for the team"? Again? Is he just trying to guilt her? I can't imagine what Andrew thinks that remark is going to accomplish. Lill tells Andrew that she knows damn well that Morgan is ready to throw her over as soon as possible. "What are you talkin' about?" he says quite disingenuously. She points out that the people who voted her out are still there. As Lill sticks up for herself quite nicely with no help from anyone, Rupert comes up behind Andrew. Andrew starts to tell Lill that Drake would also most likely boot her before any of the members of their core alliance -- which is totally true. Rupert starts eavesdropping, and he shakes his head darkly, instructing Lill not to listen to what Andrew is saying. Lill, of course, does not need Rupert's help to stand up to Andrew, given that she was doing just fine on her own and was hardly about to embrace Andrew's line. Rupert gives Lill lots of help anyway, because he's a big pirate and she's just "little Lill." Prick. Lill tells Andrew that she hasn't made a final decision about what she's going to do. "Will you let me know before?" says Andrew, not at all realizing that he's about to walk into a sucking pit of his own medicine. "Remember I asked you to let me know before? And you didn't?" Lill says immediately.
Oh, man. Surely in the annals of Survivor, that is one of the great moments of the reaping of what you've sown. Now, Andrew has claimed in interviews that he did, in fact, tell Lill that she was going to be booted, and that she's flat-out lying when she says she had no warning. But that isn't believable to me, because if that were the case, he would have just said so, right here. He would have said, "What are you talking about? I did tell you." And there's no indication that he says anything of the kind. It makes sense, because there's no reason she would have even made that argument to him in the first place if it hadn't been at least partially true. She's said in her interviews that he did indicate to her just as they were entering tribal council that she was going, but it certainly appears that whatever their agreement was when she was on the block, she truly believes he didn't follow it; I don't think her behavior allows for any other interpretation that makes sense. She walks away from Andrew, voicing over that she is "in a whirlwind." Well, she actually says "a worldwind," but she means the other thing. She interviews that everyone is offering her their friendship, and that she isn't sure whom to trust.
Elsewhere, Burton and Rupert have a chat about which member of Morgan to toss if it comes to that. Burton suggests that if Andrew is the leader, you start by "chopping the head off." Rupert nods meaningfully. Tijuana interviews that she knows Andrew suspects he might be a target if Drake has successfully recruited Lill. Everyone seems to recognize Lill as a potential swing vote, which is why it's interesting to me that Morgan didn't figure this math out when she first got back and do a better job of welcoming her. ["It's Morgan. I assume you're not really that surprised by their non-smarts." -- Wing Chun]
The sun sets, and it's time to head out to tribal council. Everyone gets situated around the fire. Jeff starts off by asking Tijuana how the reaction was when they learned of the impending merge. She says that she was "shocked," because the merge could either be good or bad. I'm not sure how the first half of that statement has anything to do with the second half, but at least it makes Jon smirk, and whatever makes Jon happy is good with me. Well, anything that makes him happy or makes him writhe in agony. Tijuana goes on to say that she's trying to keep an optimistic outlook, but still, "it was a shock."
Jeff turns to Lill. What about this whole "one day at Morgan, then the merge" thing anyway? She says that she's thrilled by the merge, as Andrew eyes her with suppressed rage. "I'm just glad that I now have a larger family," she says, not being the first person to ever confuse a tribe with a family, but perhaps being the most sincere one. Maybe later, they can all roast marshmallows and study knots there in the troop -- er, "tribe."
Now, it's time for Jeff to talk to Ryan-O. There are still eighteen days left. It's an individual game now. How will he handle the first individual vote? Ryan-O says he doesn't know anyone well enough to vote for him or her, especially after they all had such a swell time together at the big feast. But now, for better or for worse, they've got to vote for somebody. You know, Ryan-O's real cute, but he's got to start playing here at some point, or he's going to be a big old slab of targeted beefcake.
Jeff moves on to Burton to discuss the individual immunity. He reminds everyone that Burton is immune either way, so he can freely give the immunity or he can hoard it for himself, and it doesn't affect him directly. I particularly love the fact that Probst refers to the individual immunity won in the challenge as "assignable," which is basically the perfect, spot-on legal term that you would use if immunity from booting were a contractual right. Brilliant, really. Burton says that he's given the immunity thing a lot of thought, and that he's decided to hand immunity over to Rupert, as a result of their very close battle for the individual immunity. Rupert takes the sword, they shake hands, and everyone claps. Boy, Burton may not be the brightest bulb on the string, but he's got Rupert's number for sure. Rupert wants to be bowed to, whether you mean it or not, and paying completely meaningless alms to him like that is the best way to play him. Stroke that soaring, monstrous ego a little bit, and he'll leave you alone. Rupert was never going to get votes anyway, so that was a completely meaningless gesture -- purely a sop to Rupert to turn the phony pirate routine in somebody else's direction.
Jeff reminds the tribe that there are now three tribe members they don't have the option of voting for. Can't vote for Lill, can't vote for Burton, can't vote for Rupert. Rupert beams. He is so proud. He and Burton have a bond, I tell you! A bond! Anyway, it's time to go vote at last.
Andrew is the first to vote. Unsurprisingly, he votes for Jon. "Little Jon," he says, "you talk too much smack." It's too bad that I can't enjoy that statement from Andrew very much as a result of intensely hating him. Burton votes, Rupert votes, and then Jon votes. Unsurprisingly, Jon uses Andrew's "Savage" moniker as an excuse for yet another pro-wrestling-inspired bit of business before he drops his paper in the pot. I really don't want to talk about it any more than necessary, because it's more than a little sickness-inducing. Darrah votes. Ryan-O votes. Christa votes for Andrew: "You're our biggest threat out here...bye." You know, Christa has a relatively agreeable personality compared to noisy buffoons like Rupert, but there's something about the way she always gives that little "bye" when she votes that just makes me want to see her get booted. Her whole manner is just very, very arrogant and overconfident. It does appear that the remainder of Drake is going to get its way here, meaning that one of them is eventually going to win, and that's really going to be a shame. At some point, as they have one unsatisfying winner after another, this game is going to have a problem. If Rupert, Christa, Sandra, or Jon takes the game, it's going to be very much like Jenna to me -- someone I intensely dislike walking away with a million bucks. At some point, that's not all that much fun. ["Sure. You say that. And yet? Flo." -- Wing Chun]
Anyway, Sandra votes. Tijuana votes for Jon. Lill votes. Jeff heads off for the tallying. When he returns, it's time to read some names. Jon assumes his "Johnny Fairplay" finger position, in case your hatred for him should begin to wane at some point. He gets the first vote. Second vote goes to Andrew. Third vote also goes to Andrew. Third vote goes to Andrew. Jon smirks knowingly, because he's watched this show before. He knows that Jeff always keeps the votes even as long as possible -- in other words, if Jon had another vote, Jeff would've read it before he read the third one for Andrew. Thus, clearly, even Morgan turned on Andrew and Andrew is about to walk away with all the votes except his own. Jon even gives a little nod to this effect. His theory is confirmed when Jeff actually reads a fourth vote for Andrew. So Andrew has four, and Jon has one. Then Andrew gets yet another vote. Five votes for Andrew, one vote for Jon. One more Andrew vote, and the whole thing goes down in flames. At this point, Jon actually unfolds his Fairplay Fuckwit Fingers and grins smugly. It's all over, baby -- he knows it!
Except that the vote is for Jon. Jon makes a slightly displeased face, because something has now gone wrong. This is not the way votes have ever been presented. What could this mean? Jeff reads another vote for Jon, and now Jon's looking a little sick. Another vote for Jon, and now you're looking at a very somber Johnny Dickhead. Could this all be some kind of sick joke? What does this mean? Of course, when Jeff reads the last vote, it is indeed for Andrew, so our man Savage is heading home, but if you ever doubted how much the people in charge of this show despise Jon, more than they generally allow themselves to hate the contestants, you can consider the fact that there was absolutely no purpose to what just happened other than to give Jon that horrible moment of panic and wipe that smug look off his face for about ten seconds. Jon immediately holds up the Fairplay Fuckwit Fingers again, but his façade of cool is irretrievably broken at this point. No one's buying, you little weasel.
Andrew takes his torch to Jeff. Snuff! And then, as he's leaving, Andrew -- having to assert his leadership just one more time -- turns back and says, "Ryan-O, D, T, hang tough." Now, of course, the worst thing Andrew could do for his three remaining Morgans at that point was to re-emphasize their existence as a pod of three in a tribe of nine, because if they don't manage to break out of that dynamic, they have no chance at all. Clearly, the absolute worst thing Andrew could have done for those three people? Was that. But it gave him one more chance to look all noble, so he took it. Whatever, moron. Ryan-O, Darrah, and Tijuana look sad. Not so much because they miss Andrew, but because they're totally . Get ready for the Pagonging, people, because it is on its way. Lill looks after Andrew defiantly.
Jeff congratulates the remaining Balboas on at least making the jury, and he sends them back to camp. Off with you, snakes!
week: Christa thinks Morgan is lazy. Tijuana thinks Drake does unnecessary work. Someone is talking about a Rupert ouster again. It's either Burton or Jon who's come up with the idea, so whatever Rupert thinks he did to get those guys under his thumb, it didn't work very well. Imagine that.