Previously on The Expression "Unlikely Comeback" Is Not Reserved For Duran Duran's "Hungry Like The AARP" Tour: The Outcasts sent burly Burton and loopy Lill once more into the beach, having resigned themselves to the sad conclusion that Nicole's tube dress had taken all it could take, was rapidly losing elasticity, and just wasn't cut out for two more weeks of grime and intrigue. Drake acted nice to Burton. Burton acted nice to Drake. Drake resented Burton. Burton hated Drake. Lill's return to Morgan was marked by an extended dance mix of Andrew's #1 hit, "Darling, You-oo-oo Condescend [To] Me." A plucky Lill seethed away under her misshapen hat and imagined the bitchin' revenge she could come up with if she just had some tent stakes, a compass, and a hobo stove. The immunity challenge brought a merge, and the tribe was reconstituted as one big, intra-hating group at Camp Drake, where there were plenty of ribs, fruit, and self-pity. Burton -- having eked out victory over Rupert in the keel-haul immunity challenge -- meaninglessly handed the Supreme Cutlass to Rupert at tribal council, making Rupert purr like a contented kitten. Unable to vote for any of the returned Outcasts under the "one free pass" rule, Drake was able to pick up the support of Lill, who was eager to stick a fork in Andrew's eye for his participation in Ye Olde Originalle Boote-Scoute. Andrew's pleas to her were in vain, and she joined Drake in voting him back to his life of fancy suits and being a really big prick to everyone who wears a less expensive tie than he does. (Oh, you can just tell.) Andrew reluctantly left, taking with him his beard, his jacket, and his bluster. Goodbye, Andrew. Future leadership conferences will show a photo of you as part of their PowerPoint presentations on how to work with people. Just after your picture appears, there will be a humorous car-crash sound, and a large red circle with a line through it will be superimposed over the picture, obscuring your face, but you will still have made an important contribution to the field. Frankly, your snuffing made my week. Thanks bunches, babycakes!
Credits. It's hard to believe how much I already don't miss Osten and Andrew. It's like watching : The Jamie Walters Years and being so relieved that he went nutty and vanished into his pumpkin patch.
Commercials. First of all, there should never be a commercial where clowns are running and it's all scary. I don't need the nightmares. Second, why would you advertise a compact car with the promise that it can fit three clowns? Wouldn't that make it the smallest compact car ever? Frankly, I'm shocked that Beppo, Ziggy, and Wiggles would debase themselves by endorsing such a product.
Morning comes on Day 22 at Camp Balboa, Land of the Free, Home of the Merged. Rupert is playing at the fire while everyone sleeps. Everyone, that is, except Lill, trouper of the troop, who's up with the dawn working alongside Rupert. She says, as she plucks something out of the water, that she feels really good -- it's "the difference between night and day." Or between the Camp of the Damned and the Land of Plenty, as the case may be. Lill explains in a mini-interview that she turned on Morgan to boot Andrew, knowing as she did that they would have sent her home at the first opportunity, discarding her like a camp song at the end of summer session. Nobody sings "On Top of Old Smokey" in November, after all. No: in the great tradition of girls who have great personalities, Lill would have been left at home on the night of the big dance, told that while she was a super lady with a fine work ethic, she was destined to sway alone to the strains of "Careless Whisper," wondering why she alone was unlovable. She further explains that while stabbing people in the back would typically make her feel guilty, in this situation, she feels like she did the only thing she could to protect herself. Seriously, if she's implying that she would even consider feeling guilty about ridding the camp of Andrew, I'm going to take my teeny tiny pocketknife and stab her with the nail file attachment. I might even break out the plastic toothpick. It's very menacing -- ask anyone in airport security. Now we see Lill give Christa a big hug as she explains to us with relief that she's no longer "The Cincinnati Workhorse," which I'm sure will come as a rude surprise to...well, to whoever thought that was her name. The guys on the pro wrestling circuit, maybe? Her smooth jazz ensemble?
Now we see Lill in a conversation with Rupert, in which she becomes downright maudlin, talking about how much the hugs and kindnesses of Drake have caused her to "blossom" in this cold, cold world. Apparently, she either doesn't know that the former Drake is a band of contemptible suck-ups, or she doesn't care. Or, I suppose, she knows that she blossoms in the presence of contemptible suck-ups -- in which case there might be a place for her in politics or show business if she ever wants out of scouting. Rupert makes a very weird, googly-eyed face when she's talking, as if he's trying to transmit a telepathic message. Probably "look deeply into my beeeeeard...you do not want to vote for me." Hey, it could work. Lill assures him that whatever Drake decides, she's with it. She's part of the team! She's on board! She's toeing the line! She's walking the walk! She's shaking it like a Polaroid picture! Okay, not that last one. Thank God.
Opening a new chapter in his legacy of legendary big-heartedness, Rupert tells Lill that she's going to be the last Morgan to go, because she's sort of an honorary Drake. Furthermore, he makes the incredibly selfless promise that if she were to win individual immunity, he would even vote for a Drake instead of her. Wow, you mean to tell me that if the rules didn't allow him to vote for Lill, he'd vote for someone else? He's quite a humanitarian. Seriously, what kind of an offer is it for Rupert to promise that he'll take Lill to the final six? I mean, all he's saying is that Ryan-O, Darrah, and Tijuana are going to be booted ahead of her. If anything, he just hurt his own case by telling her flat-out that she's got no chance to break into his little suck-up circle. How can he be so blind as not to know she would obviously go hunting for a better deal in another alliance? He's kind of dumb, I'm telling you. A great fisherman, obviously personable -- at least to people who don't see the self-aggrandizing confessionals -- and very physically strong. But truly, the man is no strategist. When Lill laughs off Rupert's goofy remark about how he won't vote her out if she wins immunity (duh), he gives her an completely unnecessary "don't sell yourself short" speech about how important it is for her to give herself credit for standing up to Andrew. I'll tell you, there's nothing like a "don't sell yourself short" speech from someone with no respect for you at all. Inspirational! So I guess Lill should walk away from this conversation feeling so darn good about herself that she should be honored just to...you know, come in sixth. The great thing about this chat is that Rupert and Lill are both kind of dumb, which makes the whole thing feel kind of like watching two potatoes negotiate with each other. It may not be exciting, but at least it seems like a fair fight.
Now we see even more of Moody Introspective Lill, strolling on the beach and contemplating her destiny and the choices that lie ahead and the lyrics to "American Pie" and, hopefully, what to do with her hair other than tie it back in that very unflattering fashion that makes her look like her forehead goes halfway back to her collar. We see her glance meaningfully at Ryan-O, and now it's time to check in with him. He offers a voice-over about how much tribal council sucked on the night they booted Andrew. Ryan-O thus establishes that he is the only person in America who thinks booting Andrew was a sad development, as opposed to one of the greatest feats of rough justice since the Guidos got left in Alaska. Ryan-O sighs over the fact that Lill decided to jump to Drake because she was mad at Andrew. He doesn't quite get that she was actually mad at all of them, but it's a little late for him to catch on now. He adds that he and Andrew "had a tight bond." (Chicka-bamp, heh.) In his interview, Ryan-O explains that he knows he's on the block, so things are feeling a little queasy deep in the belly of the Ryan-O.
Spotting that Rupert has wandered a few feet away from the action and the cameras (for once), the aforementioned Ryan-O kicks off Operation Save My Own Oft-Displayed Ass by having a chitchat with Burton, who appears to be setting up the grill for today's breakfast service. Ryan-O asks Burton whether he and Lill have a "pact" as far as voting. Burton doesn't entirely answer the question, explaining that he and the Scoutmistress are close primarily because they have been through the same punishing experience. I would, for my own purposes, kind of like to think the experience involved Burton being trained in some kind of knot-tying, but apparently, he's referring to the fact that they were both Outcasts, in case anyone has forgotten. Ryan-O asks Burton how far he thinks Burton will be able to get in the game. Burton doesn't know. Ryan-O reminds Burton that "the four of them" (meaning Rupert, Christa, Sandra, and Jon) are close buddies and will probably boot Burton as soon as it gets down to that. True, that. Ryan-O proposes an alliance made up of himself and Burton, together with Lill and the Darrah/Tijuana Tag Team Of Morganite Women United For The Impassioned Pursuit Of Lying Around. Burton is noncommittal. In an interview, Burton describes exactly what we just saw happening. Thank you, Redundancy Theater. That was a fine production. And a good show, too. Burton mushmouths that there are a lot of possibilities for the game, and anything can happen, and things are still up in the air, and you never know, and sometimes things don't go the way you plan, which is why you should have life insurance. Or something. In a rather brilliant edit, Ryan-O's lament that Lill bolted on the Morgan tribe is followed by a shot of a bunch of little fish apparently attacking a big jellyfish-looking thing. There's no loyalty, man. Not even among the fish. A resolute Burton then sets out to give his dirty, thin boxer shorts a dunk in the water during a good old-fashioned fish-spearing. He still looks, I have to say, disturbingly hot.
Now, the heavy hammer of metaphors and semi-nudity takes a welcome swing at us as Burton pursues his prey. His shorts ripple in their sheer, non-metaphorical way while he goes after and successfully snags a stingray. (There's pretty much an unequivocal essentially-naked ass shot along here, if you're into that kind of thing. Which, as you know, I am.) So Burton is a successful predator...DO YOU GET IT? Back on the beach, he removes the ray from the spear while it's still alive, and he gives it a couple of stabs with his knife. As he does, he seems to jump a little. "These things don't have electric...stuff in them, do they?" he asks. Oh, Burton. I'd love to see your electric stuff. Um, sorry. Anyway, Ryan-O assures him that the rays are not wired. For some reason, the fact that Ryan-O answered this question and is an apprentice electrician made me laugh. Because logically, if you want to know whether a fish is electrical, you'd ask an electrician. If you wanted to know if it was tasty, you'd ask a chef, wouldn't you? At any rate, a nervous Burton asks if Ryan-O is sure about this answer, but just then Rupert comes over to help out or kibitz or whatever will make him look important. Burton encourages Rupert to stick his finger under the stingray's skin. Rupert does so, and then jumps back. "Wow!" he says. Apparently, this is indeed a shocking stingray. In an interview, Burton describes it as "a pretty good charge" that the thing was giving off. They go a few rounds of "Wow, that really hurts -- hey, now you stick your finger in it!," kind of like the old Saturday Night Live sketch where they keep tasting the bad milk, going, "This tastes terrible -- here, try it!"
The stingray, however, is apparently not successful in actually using this fascinating defense mechanism to save itself, because the time we see it, it's roasting on the grill. Lill, followed by an echoing Rupert, describes the meat as "shockingly good." Har. Har. "It's a high-voltage meal," Rupert says, apparently not really understanding puns, which is...I mean, puns just aren't that hard. No one ever refers to food as "high-voltage," even figuratively, so that "joke" makes absolutely no sense. And it's sad, because it's not like he didn't have options. Coulda said the meal made him feel powerful. Could have said the stingray was being provided free of charge. Could have said he'd always heard that stingrays were the joules of the sea. (Okay, no one would have gotten that.) Could have said he just wanted them to eat the fish and not give him any static. Could have said the fishing must have been a great outlet for Burton's pent-up energy (DOUBLE POINTS!) Instead, he went with "high-voltage meal." Sigh. Anyway, Tijuana wisely doesn't try to get cute, and just describes the food as "very good." She knows she's not a wit. In an interview, she praises the availability of food at Camp Drake. There is some more expository material about all the fishing that goes on at Drake, while pirate tootling keeps it up in the background. I can barely fend off the urge to dance a hornpipe. Arrrrrr!
In an interview, Rupert oh-so-generously states that he hopes all the former members of Morgan feel comfortable eating "as much as they want." He pities them for being emaciated. Of course, as he explains, this is all about how much he likes being the one who can hand out the food, so as with all things involving Rupert, it's ultimately about the enlargement of his own legend.
We sweep along the water, and then Jeff is welcoming the tribe to another challenge. He explains that what we are about to see is an individual reward challenge, this time specializing in the use of slingshots. What people will do for this challenge is essentially take shots with marbles at three ceramic plates in sequence. There's a whole thing with fire and a crow's nest and stuff, but it's really stupid and piratey. I'm boycotting all things piratey, I think, and just pretending they don't exist. They can have a theme, but they can't make me acknowledge it. Anyway, you have to break one plate to go on to the one. If you break one out of sequence, you're out. This will be done in two stages -- first, there will be three heats of three people, in which the first person to finish will advance to the final, and then a final round of the heat winners will determine the ultimate rewardee. And what are they playing for? A big, full breakfast the morning. Mmm, breakfast. If they're taking orders, I'll have the Moons Over My Hammy. All the best breakfasts are embarrassing to order.
The first round features Sandra, Ryan-O, and Darrah. Sandra is the first to hit, but she laments that she doesn't like the fact that, due to her bad form, she also bonked herself in the mouth. Heh. I always look for the person in each challenge who does what I would do, and that? Is what I would do. Get the target, but chip a tooth. Ryan-O hits , so he and Sandra are at one target each. Don't worry about Darrah, by the way. She's just smiling and looking pretty. She wouldn't hit nothin'. Sandra hits again. Ryan-O hits again. Ryan-O hits the final target and moves on to the last round. The heat includes Burton, Rupert, and Jon. The short version is that Rupert smokes everybody and moves on to the round. The long version, however, includes the fun fact that Jon hits a target out of sequence and is disqualified, leading Jeff to remark, "One more challenge Jon cannot finish." You know, I'm surprised Jeff hasn't actually punched Jon in the mouth by now. It would almost be more merciful than this Death By A Thousand Times That Jeff Can Barely Be Bothered To Tell You How Badly You Suck. Oh, and Rupert has his hair back in a ponytail secured with what kind of looks like a scrunchie, because the skirt just wasn't studly enough. up are Tijuana, Lill, and Christa. Christa has the worst form of anyone in the competition, making weird faces and leaning in odd directions and generally acting like the nitwit I'm beginning to think she, in fact, is. Lill and Tijuana each get a hit fairly early, and then Lill manages another one by first chipping the plate, and then kicking in the air and praying and getting very, very lucky. Tijuana gets another one by smacking the same plate about three times until it finally breaks. In the end, the winner of the heat is Lill, who acts very surprised. "Cincinnati, represented!" Jeff says. Ew, Jeff, don't do that. Get into the whole "represented" thing, and it's only a matter of time before much more objectionable phraseology starts working its way into your vocabulary. And no one wants to see that hizzappen.
In the final round between Rupert, Ryan-O, and Lill, she hits first. She also hits second. Wow, could it be that Lill will be the winner? Oh, of course not, because that would mean Rupert wouldn't be the center of the universe. So of course, Rupert comes on strong with several hits and takes the whole thing out from under her. Man, I am so totally Rupert-ed out right now. You know how they feel about rice? That's how I feel about Rupert. Lill, never one to hold grudges, warmly congratulates him. Jeff tells Rupert that he can choose someone to go with him to breakfast, or he can give breakfast away to someone who will then choose someone else (other than Rupert himself) to go with him. Big Daddy Rupert decides to give away breakfast. Now, obviously, the logical person for him to give breakfast to would be Lill, considering how well she performed, but he gives it to Burton, in supposed recognition of Burton's meaningless handing over of immunity to him at the night's tribal council. Wow, if Burton really got the breakfast reward in exchange for a completely inconsequential giving over of the Supreme Cutlass, then that's one of the biggest suckerings I ever saw. In the end, though, I think Rupert's dumb, but even I don't think he's quite that dumb. No, this is just more of Rupert's crusade to prove that only he is worthy, and only he is really committed to the tribe. Look how giving he is! He's totally my role model. Anyway, as Burton contemplates whom he should take along -- with, again, the obvious person being Lill, given that (a) they're natural allies, and (b) she almost won the challenge, Rupert just has to mutter, "Take Lill," because he is the boss of everyone at all times and IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY! Burton does take Lill, which Rupert undoubtedly believes is because of his bossy ass, but which, as we will see, is quite obviously because Burton wants to scheme with her against Rupert. Oh, how I do love irony. It's nice to see people you don't like eat crow, but it's also acceptable for it to be administered intravenously while they're not looking.
Commercials. Buy your engagement ring at Wal-Mart! Yes sirree, nothing like starting off your married life by making a stand in favor of the eighty-hour workweek with no overtime and no health insurance. They should end that commercial with a guy intoning, "Wal-Mart: the one union we support is yours."
Day 23 at Balboa finds Burton up early, getting ready to leave for breakfast. He voices over that it's an odd dynamic, being voted out of a tribe and then back into the same tribe. He explains that he's doing his best to be all, "Yay, Drake!," but as he explains, it's completely an act. He's in it solely for himself and the Outcasts, and that's the only place he has any loyalty. That gift of breakfast sure did the trick to keep him faithful to Rupert, huh? He gives a particularly funny "That's a bunch of b-- uh, lies." And then he grins. And he has pretty teeth and a lovely smile. Oh, hello, Burton's pretty smile. You can come right over here and sit by me. He explains that he knows damn well that Christa, Sandra, and Rupert would all stab him in the back in a minute, without even hesitating.
In a powwow with Jon, Burton explains that, in the end, Jon is clearly going to be the odd "man" out of the Rupert Club of Suck-Ups, because Rupert will stay with Christa and Sandra to the bitter end. Jon knows this is correct, as much as he wishes it wasn't. Even in wrestling, you have to know when you're going to wind up on the bottom of the dogpile. Burton suggests taking Rupert out now, and Jon says, "We're crazy if we don't. That's numbers, man." Burton asks whether Jon thinks it would be better to tell Rupert ahead of time or just blindside him. Jon says they'll have to blindside him, the two of them agreeing that Rupert will go psycho if they tell him ahead of time. I have to say, if Rupert's psycho flip-out of a couple of weeks ago was an effort to intimidate Jon into not plotting against him anymore, it certainly didn't work very well. Jon interviews, slightly less odiously than usual, that Burton knows Jon's a snake, so he knew Jon would be perfect for this rather snakelike attack on Rupert and his entourage. "And he was exactly right," Jon grins. Jon adds that Burton is Jon's strongest remaining ally, despite the fact that Jon was such a big participant in Burton's original ouster. "Irony definitely plays a strong hand in this game," Jon says. It's a little bit true, even though Jon is the one saying it. And in a strange way, the situation is actually slightly ironic, as opposed to a coincidence, which is usually what's involved when people on TV refer to "irony."
Burton and Lill head off in the general direction of breakfast. Burton tells her what he was just telling Jon -- that Rupert would only ever take Sandra and Christa to the final, and that there's no chance Rupert would bring Lill or anyone else along. "So we gotta get rid of one of them," Lill says, understanding. "We gotta get rid of all of them," Burton clarifies. As they walk to meet the boat, Lill voices over that she's looking forward to the breakfast, in part because of the food, but in larger part because she and Burton are going to get a chance to talk away from the rest of the group. She feels like she needs to be told what's going on, because she's made the decision to put her faith in Burton and do what he says. Not an entirely admirable strategy, but when you're not much of a plotter, you could do worse than to align yourself with someone who is.
The U.S.S. Mrs. Butterworth skims across the water and delivers Lill and Burton to a beach where breakfast has been laid out under a canopy. Burton describes the spread that they found when they got there, which included all sorts of pancakes and bacon and sausage and fruit...things that they've been without for some time, obviously. There are a few other comforts they've been without, but I don't think those needs are going to be met on this particular morning, if you see my point. Which, unfortunately, you probably do. Lill keeps gasping excitedly as they discover new and exciting facets of the buffet. It's probably the most enthusiasm that scrambled eggs have ever generated. They find a bottle of champagne, the better to Mimosa you with, but since Lill doesn't drink, Burton just busts it open and drinks it straight. Yet another moment where the contestant does just what I would do. Lill explains that she's decided to believe him, so she just has to hope he's not setting her up to screw her. Burton tells her: "Here's the deal. We've got to get Rupert off right now." He's strong, he's got Christa and Sandra "in his back pocket" (uh, NOT), and Burton thinks that it's time for him to go. Burton tells Lill that his plan is for her to get the Morganite women to vote against Rupert, along with himself and Jon. And, perhaps, Ryan-O, though this is less clear. If Rupert wins immunity, Burton's plan would then be to boot Christa -- who, you'll remember, he doesn't like. Burton tells Lill that the best thing for her to do would be to befriend Christa and convince her that Lill will vote for whomever Christa and Rupert tell her to. Lill blanches, warning Burton that she's not so good at the lying. Burton starts in to tell her that if she's going to resist lying, they're in a heap of trouble, but she cuts him off, reluctantly telling him that she knows she has to. She's certainly quite earnestly scouty at times, that Scout.
Back at camp, Christa and Sandra are enjoying a relaxing hair-washing out in the water where, at the moment, Sandra is applying conditioner to Christa's tresses. They're apparently looking ahead a couple of rounds, Sandra quietly speculating that she, Christa, and Lill could take out Rupert and Burton -- presumably when it's down to the five Drakes. Christa opines that they may need to go after the guys sooner, considering how strong they are and how limited the opportunities to boot them may be. She also wants to get rid of Burton before Rupert, because she sees Burton as "definitely" stronger than Rupert. Sandra presents the option of going after Burton now, and planning ultimately to keep Tijuana and Darrah a little longer, aiming for a final five made up of the women who remain. Christa is intrigued by this option. Sandra interviews that she and Christa feel vulnerable, because Rupert and Burton are the fish-catchers, so they want to start thinking about how to live without the protein. Good God, it's only, like, two weeks at this point. You won't starve eating rice and beans and coconut for two weeks. This whole thing is just ass, and not just because it's sexist bullshit, although it is, but because it's specifically bullshit. Christa and Sandra are just lame. I don't care what anybody says about the spear being difficult to pull back; if they had taken the initiative to spend time learning to fish while they were there, they'd be able to do it by now. They have this problem because they've sat on their asses and let themselves be fed, not because fishing is too hard. Tijuana interviews that she often hears Christa and Sandra talking about how they have to learn to live without fish in case one of the guys "gets hurt," so she's pretty sure they're considering getting rid of Burton and Rupert, despite the former Drakes' efforts to look united.
At the Breakfast of Non-Champions, Burton tells Lill that he likes her, that she and he are in this together till the end, and that she has his word on that. His plan, it sounds like, is for her, himself, and Jon to be in the top three. As gross as it is to imagine Jon in the top three, it's probably a fairly good idea. I think Burton reads very well the fact that none of the rest of the jury will want to vote for an Outcast, so if Lill and Burton want a chance to win, it will be very important to take the most unlikable person possible into the finals with them. Furthermore, Jon's not much of a threat to win late immunity challenges. Lill asks Burton to "hand-feed" her the strategy as they go. Ew. Burton gives her his word -- literally, Scout's honor -- that he'll be true to her. They have a chat about what they'll say about the breakfast later when people ask, and Burton -- very aware of what the other people think of Lill and what they'll believe -- warns her that he's going to say she prattled on about Scouts and bored the crap out of him. Heh. She implores him not make her look like a bitch, just as "some dumb broad." Double heh. Burton swears he'd never make Lill look like a bitch. Just, um, some dumb broad, apparently. Triple heh.
Commercials. This week in disturbing Tampax commercials: other tampons are only a means to an end, and that end is Tampax. Tampax is the way.
When we return, it's Day 24 at Balboa. A tall, very thin bird (Gwynethicus Paltronia, I believe) is observing the beach, thinking to itself, "I wish they'd stop taking my picture; I'm not getting paid." Several of its friends watch from a nearby tree, preparing for this morning's round of yoga or calisthenics or whatever it is that keeps island birds so darn ripped. Rupert is smacking at a log with a little hatchet. Tijuana and Darrah, on the other hand, are still sleeping. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Morgan Is Lazy segment of our show. See, Burton and Jon are dragging tree branches across the sand! Christa is performing the life-giving function of beating a cloth against something! You know, it's true -- dust abatement is the one thing you can't be without on a deserted island. As Tijuana and Darrah, now awake, have a chat inside the shelter, we see Rupert and Christa on a highly self-congratulatory walk, during which Rupert snots that maybe today, he'll throw uncleaned fish at Tijuana and Darrah and demand that they clean them. Considering that they lived for weeks without having fish at all, I doubt they'll find that incredibly compelling, but whatever, Captain Self-Important. Christa lectures in an interview that the Morgan tribe is "just in general very lazy." She's incredibly offended by their tendency to sit in the shelter and talk when she has perceived that there's work to be done. Christa would never do anything that qualified as leisure time, of course, like...oh, I don't know, yapping and relaxing and having her hair conditioned. Seriously, she is such a snot. I mean, she's right, I don't doubt, that Tijuana and Darrah aren't doing a lot of work, but Ryan-O has never shown himself to be particularly lazy, and considering that they haven't lived there very long, she might consider dialing back the self-righteousness just a little. For one thing, these people really were physically weak by the time they got there, and although it might have been their own fault, you'd think you might give them a couple of days to acclimate before you decided they were irredeemably bad human beings. "Talking," Christa says, "is not acceptable 24/7 around here." See? Even when she's right, she's a total jerk about it, because you can tell from that statement that she sees this camp as the property of her, Rupert, and Sandra, where they will make the rules and other people will follow them, and where she will declare what is "acceptable." And that makes you a jerk, even if you're basically right.
Tijuana interviews -- not much to her substantive or grammatical credit -- that she thinks that the former Drakes work "a great deal more than what is necessary." She feels that they sometimes work just to look like they're doing something, even if it's "frivolous." I suspect that this is also true. Tijuana then, however, flies right over the cliff into indefensibility by saying that when everybody works all the time, it doesn't allow her to express herself and let her inner Tijuana run free or something of that sort. I would have been with her, you see, if she'd said, "Look, we need to cooperate on a work schedule, and Christa can't just expect to dictate to everyone what work is going to get done and when," or if she'd said, "Sometimes, they're doing work I don't think is important, and I don't feel obligated to jump in just to please Christa." When your argument against the workhorses in your tribe, however, is that they're keeping you from being fully able to inhabit your true self, you've lost me. If getting water keeps you from "being who you are," then who you are is a lazy-ass.
Lill, on the other hand, is happy as a clam with all the working, even though, as she drags a large tree up the beach, she says, "Now I know how Jesus felt." She...she does?
And now, the immunity challenge. The tribe heads for an expanse of beach where Jeff takes back the goofy-looking Supreme Cutlass from Rupert. Jeff reminds them that seven of them will be the jury and two of them will get to the final vote. Today, we are seeing the annual gang-up immunity challenge, designed to give the rest of the tribe a shot at the person they most want a chance to boot, even if that person would normally whip all their asses in an immunity challenge. This is also known as Your Chance To Get Rid Of Rupert. What will happen in the game is that Jeff will ask a series of history questions about the Pearl Islands. Every time you get one right, you get to drop a coconut in somebody else's trough. And that's not a euphemism. They all have troughs (which Jeff, by the way, somewhat hilariously refers to as "coconut holders," as if that's a standard piece of equipment), and when your trough is full (five coconuts), you're out.
Tijuana, Rupert, Christa, and Lill get the first question right. Tijuana coconuts Ryan-O. Huh? Lill also coconuts Ryan-O. Rupert coconuts Ryan-O. Christa coconuts Ryan-O. Oh, let's just follow the coconutting, because the questions are boring. Tijuana gives Ryan-O the final Coconut of Death, and he's out. Darrah coconuts Christa. Sandra coconuts Darrah in retaliation, declaring, "nobody hurts Christa." Burton coconuts a giggling Tijuana. Jon coconuts Darrah. Rupert coconuts Darrah. Ryan-O, in his final coconutting opportunity before leaving the game, coconuts Christa. Tijuana coconuts Burton. Burton coconuts Darrah, giving her four. Jon gives her the final Coconut of Death, and she's out. Rupert coconuts Tijuana. Christa coconuts Tijuana. Tijuana coconuts Burton. Burton coconuts Tijuana right back. Lill coconuts Burton, complaining that at breakfast, she talked and all Burton did was nod. Oooh, she's being all tricky. ["Lord, what a crappy liar." -- Wing Chun] Tijuana coconuts Burton. He coconuts her back with the Coconut of Death, and she's out. Jon coconuts Sandra. Lill coconuts Burton again, saying she's "still pissed about the breakfast." He laughs. "Paybacks are a bitch, Lill," he says. "And so am I," she answers. Burton, he is knocked out. Rupert coconuts Jon. Sandra coconuts Jon. Lill coconuts Jon. Rupert coconuts Lill. Christa coconuts Lill. Sandra is the first to coconut Rupert. He shakes his head, and then mutters that maybe she won't get any fish. Or any birthday cake, for that matter. Such a baby. Jon coconuts Sandra. She gives him the finger. Heh. Rupert coconuts Sandra. Sandra coconuts Jon, knocking him out. Jon coconuts Sandra, knocking her out back. Lill coconuts Rupert. Rupert coconuts Lill, and she's done. We're down to Rupert and Christa. Now it's just a race, and Christa gets knocked out first.
So Rupert got immunity again, which is very surprising at first glance, considering the number of people who have had discussions during this episode about getting rid of him. On closer inspection, though, it makes a little more sense. Suppose that going into this challenge, Burton and Lill hadn't yet had the opportunity to secure the votes of Tijuana and Darrah -- either because it just wasn't done yet, or because the Morganite women were still feeling like the safest bet was to go along with booting Ryan-O. This makes sense to me partly because Burton seems to have known going in that they were taking out Ryan-O this week; Lill wouldn't have coconutted him twice, including knocking him out of the game, if they hadn't already agreed with the rest of the tribe to go after Ryan-O. Ryan-O's relentless early coconutting supports this theory too, I think. It was a done deal at that point. Furthermore, some supplemental material that showed up after the show indicated that Tijuana was pretty pissed off at Ryan-O by this point, and she may have just wanted to persist in getting rid of him.
So if we assume that the Burton/Lill/Jon group hadn't yet cemented its alliance with the Darrah/Tijuana pairing, then everything that happened makes sense. Darrah and Tijuana certainly wouldn't have wanted to risk pissing off Rupert, lest he boot them before Ryan-O. Ryan-O literally was knocked out of the game with the first five coconuts that were placed, and he took his one shot at Christa, who we now know he personally dislikes pretty intensely. Not having the Burton/Lill/Darrah/Tijuana thing firmed up, he wouldn't know he had the votes against Rupert, so he wouldn't do it, either. Christa and Sandra appear to have retreated to their position of knocking out Ryan-O and then moving on to Rupert and Burton later, whether before or after knocking out Lill, Tijuana, and Darrah. Burton and Lill, I think, played this to give away as little as possible about their intent. They played just to avoid pissing anybody off, playing at coconutting each other and irrelevant people like Tijuana who didn't need immunity this week anyway. That suggested to me that they're still plotting, but not ready yet to move against Rupert. I just think the Darrah/Tijuana group hadn't hooked up with the Burton/Lill/Jon thing yet, so they didn't know for sure they had the votes. Having already seen one person go after Rupert and lose, they figure they might as well wait another week, considering that Ryan-O is a politically risk-free boot with which to go along. Furthermore, Rupert has absolutely no idea that any of this is happening, so it's pretty clear that there's not much chance that he's going to find out and come after them if they wait until the tribal council. I think they just decided that there was little risk in waiting three more days until the whole deal was nailed down.
There's actually one other thing, too, which is that by getting rid of Ryan-O now, Burton doesn't have to deal with an alliance of six, which would have put him in a position where, after booting Rupert, Christa, and Sandra, he would have been left very vulnerable to a tie in which Ryan-O, Darrah, and Tijuana would have gone against him, Lill, and Jon. It's better for Burton to get rid of Ryan-O now and Rupert , because it's better to have a majority on both your first-level alliance and your second-level alliance, and that's neatly accomplished by waiting three more days.
Or else they all just didn't communicate ahead of time and nobody was sure that they were supposed to be the one to coconut Rupert first. Anyway, with the whole thing sorted, Jeff gives the Supreme Cutlass to Rupert and sends them all back to camp.
Commercials. Does the presence of Chuck Norris actually make Yes, Dear any more likely to cause head injuries than it already is? No, I didn't think so.
Birds fly, whales slap their various parts against the water, and we are back with the tribe as they walk toward camp. Rupert is chuckling to himself, because he is Just. So. Awesome. It's amazing that he could be in a self-congratulatory mood over a challenge that he literally had nothing to do with winning. But he is. Ryan-O, seeing the writing on the Wall of Pagonging, interviews that while he knows there's still a game, he also knows that he's in pretty bad shape. "It's hard not to get depressed," he says, sure that his days are probably numbered. He allows that it will require "a minor miracle" for him to get back in the game at this point. Burton takes a swig of water. Will he provide said minor miracle?
Ryan-O takes a stroll on the beach with Tijuana and Darrah, and tells them that they ought to be working Lill to try to get her over to their side to vote against Christa or Sandra. He insists that Rupert and his women would be blasted apart and never see it coming. "It's perfect," he argues. Well, yes, unless you fear that Rupert and his minions still have enough strength to bite you on the ass for it, which they both do. Elsewhere, Rupert talks to Jon about how Ryan-O is scrambling. He confidently says that he told Burton, "If you cross me, I'll kill you," and Burton made it very clear that he wouldn't scheme against Rupert, and that this was why he gave Rupert the Supreme Cutlass. Jon assures Rupert that when Burton says he's loyal, he means it. Heh.
Rupert says in an interview that he will be happy to get rid of Ryan-O, who is "one of the leaders of the weak." Oh, yes, another day, another opportunity to pass judgment on other people's adequacy. Anyway, as he gives Christa some kind of weird-ass armpit massage, Rupert interviews that he's concerned that Ryan-O might be rallying Tijuana and Darrah and could "maybe suck Jon and Burton" into an alliance against him, Christa, Sandra, and Lill. Note the total misapprehension of the dynamics in this statement. Ryan-O is no leader. He has no power that we've seen -- as will be demonstrated by the vote. Burton is the schemer, and his main partner in crime is Jon, and the main accomplice is Lill. Rupert sees Lill only as a potential victim, and Burton and Jon only as potentially "sucked-in" accomplices. He's got absolutely no freaking idea what's going on in the tribe, which is another reason why waiting another week to take a shot at him won't matter that much. He's got the usual Self-Aggrandizing Blind Spot, where the threat created by people who are actually significantly smarter than he is but don't feel the need to throw it in his face it all the time (like Burton) goes unrecognized.
Christa and Jon have a chat in which she says she thinks it might be wise to boot Burton first, just to make sure he won't sneak in and win. As they discuss tossing Burton, Jon warns Christa of the approach of Rupert, and she clams up. Jon claims to Christa that Ryan-O is the "least trustable [sic] guy out of anyone here." She seems surprised by this, but Jon assures her it's true. He may be (and in fact is) a total asshole, but he's not a complete dummy, in that he's deftly turning Christa's attention away from his ally Burton back to his non-ally Ryan-O. Christa interviews that she's not really so sure what she should do in this "very confusing situation." She says she doesn't feel like she's lied to anyone "quite yet."
Elsewhere, Burton works his mojo on Christa by telling her that Ryan-O came to him to warn him about Rupert and the hangers-on and asking him to participate in an alliance against them. Burton acts like he thought this was really stupid, and would never even have considered Ryan-O's offer, when in fact he almost exactly agrees with Ryan-O's position...except for the part of it that would have saved Ryan-O himself. Jon voices over that he and Burton are well aware of the closeness of Christa, Sandra, and Rupert. Jon goes on to interview that he would willingly stab anyone in the back, and that he has no loyalties. I must say that as much as I despise him, I respect him for admitting this, rather than playing false games about loyalty the way most of them do, recasting all of their behavior so that they are honorable, and it's just the other people who play dirty.
The tribe gets in the boat and heads for tribal council. The sun sets, because that's what must be done in preparation for tribal council. If the sun didn't set, how could they conduct the meeting? The usual ominous music plays as they all climb the stairs and settle in at tribal council. Jeff starts the questioning with Lill, asking her how it is having two adversarial tribes living in the same place. She says it's been great. She feels like she's got a new family, which makes Ryan-O roll his eyes in disgust. Family, schmamily. Lill also says that more of her personality has been able to come out, and that she laughs and has more fun. I actually think I could do with a little less of Lill's personality, but...she's the Scoutmaster around here. At any rate, she happily notes that the atmosphere is really different from the way it used to be.
Jeff asks Christa about work ethic, and she launches into her bitchfest about how nobody works enough, and how the ex-Morgans don't jump in and do work, and how they're all lazy and so forth. She protests that it's not her job to tell people what to do, so she doesn't want to -- apparently, she just wants to be able to set the schedule and everyone else should guess when they have to do work in order to please her. Whatever. She gives me a pain. Darrah answers that at the Camp of the Damned, their routine was more to divide the day into Lying Around Time and Work Time, and she insists that she would indeed go get firewood, she just might not rush off to get it at exactly the same time as Christa, and that this doesn't necessarily make her lazy. Again, I both agree and disagree with both of them. I do think Darrah's lazy, but I also think Christa's way too full of herself and way too sure that she should be able to set the schedule by which everyone else should do everything. Putting a lazy-ass up against a plain old ass, it's hard for me to pick a side.
Jeff asks Rupert how he thinks things are going, and Rupert gravely says that "it's getting harder and harder to live together." He goes on patronizingly to say that everyone in the tribe could do better -- including himself. I would have loved it if Jeff had asked him how he thought he could do better, because I guarantee you that he would not have been able to come up with anything at all, unless it was one of those pieces of job-interview bullshit where you say that your worst quality is your perfectionism and overly slavish devotion to your work. Rupert does not for one minute believe he could do anything better than he already does. He wears that attitude like a crown, and calling him out would have been the really ballsy play for Jeff. It's okay, though -- Jeff's been doing so well that I can forgive one minor oversight.
Jeff asks Burton about his situation. He was out, now he's back -- what's that like? Burton explains that he feels more bonded to Drake than ever. Awww! And also, hee hee. Jeff reminds them all that the voting now has the added complication that everyone voted off now will later be on the jury, so you have to worry about how they'll react if they come back to judge you at the end. Finally, Jeff sends them off to vote.
Sandra votes. Christa votes. Rupert votes for Ryan-O. "I'm sorry we weren't on the same team," he says. "I know you would have been good with me; I would trade you for a bunch of my guys." Darrah votes. Jon votes. Ryan-O votes for Christa -- or, actually, according to his paper, "Krista." "Hey, Christa," he says. "I didn't like you before. I don't like you now. You're just plain and simply a bitch." On one hand, I do think she's kind of a bitch. On the other hand, I largely agree with the Eagle-Eyed Forum Poster's husband who watched that comment and explained it thusly: "He wanted to fuck her." Tijuana votes. Burton votes. Lill votes.
Jeff goes off to tally, and when he returns, it's time for the inevitable boot. Ryan-O gets every vote but his own, and it's time for him to go. Snuff! Bye, Ryan-O. I enjoyed your, um, shorts. And their shortcomings. Over the credits, we see that Ryan-O was voted out even by Tijuana and Darrah, so...there you go. There was no love for the Ryan-O.
week: Burton, Lill, Tijuana, Darrah, and Jon cement their Rupert-upending alliance. Lill does something she regrets, perhaps revealing the "big lie" Probst has been hinting at all season. It's about time. It will save oodles of forum traffic.