Miss Alli
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Previously on Quitters Never Win, And Winners Never Get Imprints Of Jeff Probst's Boots On Their Sternums: Morgan and Drake were thrown for a loop when the six bootees -- Nicole, Ryan S., Lill, Burton, Michelle, and Trish -- were given the opportunity to compete for a shot at sending a couple of their number back into the thick of things, where they could awaken like Bobby Ewing from the terrible dream of their elimination and reappear in the steamy shower of the endgame. Unsurprisingly, their competitive endeavors were successful, and both Morgan and Drake were sent to tribal council to boot a member who would later be replaced by one of the "Outcasts." Drake passed up the tempting opportunity to give relief to their ears, eyes, and noses by getting rid of Jon. They sent the burly but unpredictable Shawn home instead. Morgan, on the other hand, was saved from its angst by Osten's decision to throw in the towel. At the Morgan tribal council, Osten was...well, he was sent home in disgrace. There's really no other way to say it. A disgusted Jeff expressed the hope that better things might be in the offing for Morgan. Both existing tribes went back to their respective camps knowing they'd soon be joined by someone they'd already gotten rid of once. Heh. Snack on that, suckers. Generally speaking, Andrew, Rupert, Christa, and Sandra all acted like arrogant seventh-grade creeps, while Jon continued waving the flag for dinks of all kinds like some kind of goodwill ambassador for the deeply odious. Tonight, the Outcasts will vote two of their own back into the game, Morgan will continue not eating, and Jon will undoubtedly do that thing with his fingers again.
Credits. Wow, you know, Andrew and Ryan-O both used to be a lot cuter before their bodies started devouring their lean muscle mass. It just goes to show that when shopping for boyfriends, you might skip the ones who are prone to hunger strikes.
Commercials. I would rather paint my toenails with battery acid than watch an entire movie in which Mike Myers plays the Cat in the Hat. I would pass my Yearly Allowance of Childlike Whimsy in about four seconds and then spend the rest of the time clawing at the exit door. No, thanks.
Tonight, we open with the Outcasts making their Outcasty way to the tribal council area to make the fateful decision about which two of them will be voted back into the game to seek revenge and, much more important, get a few more whiffs of fame before shuttling off stage right. They settle into their seats for Jeff's Fireside Chat with, as he points out, bigger smiles than have perhaps ever been seen at tribal council. Ryan S. even makes the little devil horns, he's so excited. (Tribal council! Woooooo! Rock on!) Jeff congratulates them on their not-at-all-engineered- no-sirree victory in the challenge, and reiterates that two of them are about to be sent back into the game. He asks Michelle how she felt when she first heard about the possible reanimation of the dead, Survivor-wise. "I almost wet my pants," she says, with all the grace and class of...well, of a girl wetting her pants, pretty much. She reiterates that all that any of the Outcasts had in their minds was revenge, and they got it, so everyone's feeling much better now.
“ I actually would have loved to see them send Ryan, just to see how incredibly angry Andrew would have been. 'Pissant! Misfit! Loser! Uhhhh, please don't vote me off!' ”
Jeff turns to the Big Skinny, asking Ryan how much the revenge factor played out for him, considering that the buff on his head says "DIE, JERKS," so one would almost think he was a trifle bitter. Ryan says that it was a "huge motivation" for him, because he felt that the members of Morgan never accepted him or gave him a chance. He opens up the floodgates of spite talking about how great it was to be done with the challenge and to look over and see dweebs like Andrew still struggling to finish. Ah, yes, young Ryan...let it all out...there's no point in suppressing the petty. Let it flood your soul. That's what I always do. Jeff comments on the overwhelming emotion of the post-challenge celebration, and asks Burton -- the Outcasts' obvious leader -- what the "key factor" was in their victory. Burton unforgivably forgets to mention the big love of Mark Burnett and his team of fixers, and instead claims that the key was the Outcasts' determination and ability to work as a team. It's always the people behind the scenes who are forgotten.
Jeff explains that each person will now have a chance to pitch himself or herself as the best Outcast to reenter the game. He starts with Nicole. And if you think Nicole is going back into the game, you're almost as gullible as Lill. Nicole argues that she got booted for telling the truth, so she'll be the best one to keep on telling the truth. And...get booted again, presumably. Nice speech, genius. On to Mama Lill. She says that she should go back in because she wants to prove the Morgan "sonofabitches" wrong about her. As she says she wants to prove she's tough, we see a very nice and very affectionate Ryan S. smile, which may or may not be creatively edited. It certainly looks Lill-appropriate, in that it looks like he loves her and thinks she's nuts. And if he thinks that? I feel him. Trish says that she wants back in because she's never been one to take her eye off the ball, winning-wise. If she goes back in, she'll be totally devoted to seeing an Outcast take home the prize. I'm not sure that these people who are using the "I'm going to keep doing it just like I did it before" argument are going to get very far. One could argue there was a flaw in their strategies the first time, no? We move on to Michelle, who makes some kind of counterintuitive argument that the best way to be tough is to send the cute girl, or something. I don't know. I'm not sure she's got the sophistication for reverse psychology, if that's her intention, and I think we all know she's certainly not going back in anyway. Ryan S. argues that he loves the game the most, and repeats the vow they've all been making that he would be sure to bring the victory home to an Outcast. I actually would have loved to see them send Ryan, just to see how incredibly angry Andrew would have been. "Pissant! Misfit! Loser! Uhhhh, please don't vote me off!" Heh. Anything that would make Andrew grind his teeth would fill me with girlish giggles, just by definition.
“ Come on, you know they're sending Burton. These people love him. He's the older brother and the wilderness guide and the porn star all wrapped up in one guy. I'd vote him into the game myself. I would even vote him into my apartment. Welcome, himbo! Take off your shoes; you'll be staying a while. The door locks from the inside. With a key. ”
Anyway, now Jeff moves on to Burton, who's like, "Duh." I mean, he goes to the trouble of making an argument about how he's strong and competitive, and how badly he wants to win, but it's basically, "Duh." He also gives his word that he'll never lie to whatever other Outcast returns to the game. Come on, you know they're sending Burton. These people love him. He's the older brother and the wilderness guide and the porn star all wrapped up in one guy. I'd vote him into the game myself. I would even vote him into my apartment. Welcome, himbo! Take off your shoes; you'll be staying a while. The door locks from the inside. With a key.
Jeff explains to the gathered Outcasts that they're each going to head up to the voting pot and vote for two people to go back into the game. And no, sneakypants, you can't vote for yourself. Whichever two of them receive the most votes will head back into the drama, the intrigue, and the limited rations. Of course, the thing to do if you want to go back yourself is to vote for people you think won't get votes from other people, but you risk a situation where everyone else has the same thought as you and you'll wind up sending, like, Michelle and Nicole back in. It's interesting; I don't know how I'd strategize this vote.
Ryan S. votes, and we see that one of his votes is for Lill. "Lill," he says, "I would never put your name down unless it was for somethin' good. If it's not me, I hope it's you." Aw, that was extremely cute, even though they showed it superimposed over that weird curvy frown Lill has that makes her look like Beaker from The Muppet Show. up is Trish. One of her votes goes to Burton. "If I can't win," she says, "I want another Outcast member to win." up is Burton. We see neither of his votes. Lill casts one of her votes, unsurprisingly, for Ryan. "I want you in almost as much as I want to be in, and I hope we can be together," she says. Aw. They're so Harold and Maude. Or, you know, Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones, only backwards. We see neither of Nicole's votes. Michelle casts one of her votes for Nicole. Nicole? See, I think that was a craven attempt to avoid giving votes to any likely contenders. Because I don't think anyone thinks Nicole is going to be kicking any Morgan or Drake ass. I don't think Nicole could even kick any Starbucks barista ass, so...yeah. Not Nicole.
Jeff goes off to tally the votes on his secret pirate-themed abacus, and soon returns with the vote pot. He starts reading votes. Burton. Lill. Burton. Lill. Michelle. Nicole. (Nicole?) Ryan. Trish. Ryan. Nicole. (NICOLE?) And the winners are...Burton! Lill! "I am a nice person!" Lill says with shock as she realizes that she's going back into the game along with Burton. "Those guys are goin' down," Burton growls with a grin. I thought that was kind of sweet, even though something about Lill unsettles me. It may be her uniform. I don't know. Burton and Lill are sent over to grab their torches, and are allowed to dip them into the fire and be lit again. Fire is life, you know. You will also recall that Lill's torch anviliciously refused to go out the first time she was booted. There really are signs everywhere! Jeff then turns to Michelle, Nicole, Ryan, and Trish, and tells them that now, it's time for them to leave for good. They go, one by one, and as he leaves, Ryan stops to give an obviously heartfelt hug to Lill. Awwwww. What are you, made of stone?