Girls Gone Wilder

Previously on Survivor, Tambaqui "united," while the men of Jaburu "saved [Shawna] from the women." It would have been more appropriate, however, had they "saved [Shawna] from herself." Tambaqui successfully won the reward challenge, and HeiDDi and Roger both flailed, so that was fun to watch. Deena, meanwhile, needed some help. With her ego. Instead, Rob stepped in, and together they formed an alliance. Later, Tambaqui successfully won the week's immunity challenge, which consisted of gnawing on a giant, nasty shank of barbecued meat. This episode so should have been sponsored by Applebee's. A giant piece of beef dangled from HeiDDi's mouth in a completely unsexy way, but then I suppose I could add "in a completely unsexy way" after nearly everything HeiDDi does and be accurate. Finally, Jaburu headed off to Tribal Council, where Shawna's ejection left Alex bereft. And scabby, too, one might presume, since Shawna appeared to spend the bulk of her time picking at his scalp.

Wailing singers and a giant moon bring us to an empty fishing boat. It's Night 18, and we join the members of Jaburu as they return from the evening's Tribal Council. As they fumble around camp in night-vision, Deena voice-overs that the vote was awful, and that they miss Shawna's "spark" as well as "the extra little bandanna with the sunglasses." The tribe members discuss their hatred of Tribal Council, and Rob smirkily announces that he feels physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. In an interview, he explains that Alex is depressed by Shawna's absence. This comment is accompanied by a shot of Alex obsessively rubbing his lips, which we're supposed to think represents his moroseness now that Shawna is gone. Rob admits that the game isn't the same without Shawna, but only because the tribe is lacking another twenty-three-year-old bikini-clad girl. Still, Rob thinks the situation might ultimately be a good thing for Alex because it might make Alex "get his head out of his ass and start thinkin' about the game like he should be."

The tribe gathers, and Rob proposes that they decide as a group to tell the male members of the other tribe that the men of Jaburu have maintained their original Tambaqui alliance. Jenna disproves the theories now floating around the boards of her well-camouflaged brilliance by whining that the men would then vote the women out. Rob dumbs it down to explain that they're not really going to maintain the Tambaqui alliance; they're just going to tell the others they are. Jenna scratches her head and wonders why these other people expect her to have to think when she's just so cute. As the conversation continues, Deena stands besides Jenna and makes sweet love to her own hair. Seriously: she swings it around, bends over and fluffs it, pulls at it, and even sniffs it at one point. Well, she's either sniffing it or kissing it, but the second possibility is too disturbing. Between Tribal Council and this discussion, Deena must have had a bath. And possibly a blow-out. Rob insists that they have to gain the votes of the women of the other tribe, and Jenna expresses confidence in HeiDDi, but not in Christy. Rob reinforces that HeiDDi would be good enough, while a gape-jawed Matthew mentally agrees that HeiDDi would be good enough. For dinner. Matt, apparently, likes the taste of silicone. Rob further explains that with HeiDDi's vote, they'll be able to divide the other tribe, avoid a 5-5 tie, and knock off Davey Rockett. He refers to the plan as "insurance," and adds, "It's kind of, uh, deceptive, though. It's only a suggestion."

In an interview, Rob complains that he doesn't like talking strategy in an "open forum," but that if there's a merger in the few days, he wants to be sure "these knuckleheads" understand the plan. And I'm not sure why, but hearing people called "knuckleheads" is really kind of funny to me. Jenna still doesn't look convinced by the plan, while Deena is still having sex with her hair. Alex says he's comfortable with the plan, and Deena adds that Davey Rockett is likely the strongest of the S10. She says she's worried, and Alex interrupts her to say, "that given the opportunity to win immunity, he'll take it." Of course he'll take the chance for immunity, and why wouldn't he be "given the opportunity"? Seriously, sometimes these people talk just to hear their own voices using fancy expressions like "that given the opportunity." Rob claims that if they get rid of Davey Rockett, Tambaqui will crumble. In an interview, he tells us that once Jaburu has the majority, he'll be all, "Roger, shut up! Shut up, Roger! Stop talking, Roger!" He goes on to say, "If I leave, the shoe will be on the other foot," which makes no sense to me, but that's not a big surprise. Back in the tribal conversation, Deena says that it will feel really good to break up Tambaqui, and Rob agrees that it would be the "highlight of [his] game." They could also be talking about the ejection of either Davey Rockett or Roger, but it's hard to tell because we reenter the conversation mid-way. A night-vision tarantula diabolically rubs its feelers together.

The sun rises, and a series of monkeys climb, swing, and leap from trees. I miss Magilla, because these are some mean-ass looking monkeys. Maybe that's what Magillas turn into Gremlins-style after long-term exposure to Survivor. Through Jenna breast-cam, we join the tribe on a hike, during which Rob repeats his AOL "Welcome. You have treemail" routine for the members of the tribe who have not yet been fortunate enough to hear it. Deena fawns, claiming that Rob's vastly improved the enjoyment of her Survivor experience. He responds, "I'll be here all week!" The treemail reveals a key, and the tribe members immediately start running and shrieking their way back to camp. The camera angles goes all Blair Witch as they take off through the woods. Soon, Matthew will make Rob stand in the corner facing the wall, while he offs the other members of the tribe. In an interview, Deena reminds us that the box has been in their supply chest since Day 1, and that it's driving them nuts not knowing what's in it. They've been shaking, dropping, and throwing the box to find out what's inside. When she says this, I get an instant visual of the scene from Zoolander when Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson go all 2001: A Space Odyssey on the iMac.

At Tambaqui, the locked box thuds onto the crate. In an interview, Butch tells us that they were excited about opening the box because they've been speculating for eighteen straight days over its contents. Finally, the box is open, and contains a piece of paper bearing a message. All that mystery for yet another challenge poem? Roger begins reading: "You started men and women, then mixed it up for fun. For those who survived nineteen days, it's time to live as one..."

We then join the other tribe, where Jenna -- shocking me by actually emoting, for once -- reads the conclusion of the clue: "Paddle to a new location, leave your old life behind. Take your water, machete, and personal pack, and a brand-new world you're about to find."

Rob is immediately bothered by the thought of building a new shelter, before Deena tells us in an interview that the note "clearly says" the two tribes will become one. In other words, Peachy had better not even think of using any of his tricky "I certainly didn't say anything to give you that impression, did I?" merge/non-merge crap on her. Deena speaks Legalese, and she'll sue his Peachy ass! She tells us that as soon as they got the instructions advising them to pack it up, they were off and packing. While Rob frantically stuffs a bag and sings about the merger, Jenna asks if anyone else feels nervous. Deena admits that she does, but insists that it's okay because they're "down with Jaburu." She reinforces the voting order: Davey Rockett, Roger, Butch. Alex adds, "Amen to that system!" In the background, Jenna is frantically "you guys"ing, but no one pays any attention to her. Rob warns the others not to be seen together, and they all agree before Deena chants, "All for one!" to which the others enthusiastically respond, "One for all!" and it's just a little too perfect, like it was at least the third take or something. Rob thanks Jenna for bringing them all together, and for having really nice breasts. Except without that last part. Except he was totally thinking it. Jenna responds, "Oh, no problem," as if it was something she could actually take credit for. The tribe members do a little hand-on-hand-on- hand-on-hand-on-hand cheer for themselves.

Tambaqui is also all packed up, and HeiDDi bids farewell to the camp. She feels bad that it won't have her cuteness to occupy it anymore. The tribe walks out in single file, typically leaving behind their trash. They all wave goodbye to the camp as Butch eulogizes, "It was a good time, neat place, good friendship. I'll never forget it, long as I live."

A bird soars. A lot of birds soar. Dramatic music plays as the tribes row alongside one another beside before colliding. Hee. Peachy coaches them to the shore of a tiny island before warning them to retrieve all their stuff, because they won't be returning to their boats. Peachy announces that they already know from their treemail that they'll be merging today. Oh, Peachy's wearing his pretty blue shirt! He further narrates that they started as two tribes of men and women, then "integrated" into joint tribes. HeiDDi sticks her tongue out at Peachy and wriggles it around. Technically, she's not sticking her tongue out at Peachy, but I don't know if that's better or worse than sticking it out for no reason at all. Today, Peachy announces, they'll form one tribe, and they'll stay with that tribe "for the rest of [their] days....in the Amazon." He pauses awkwardly after the "rest of [their] days" part, making it sound like they're going to die there. Peachy also explains that the game now switches to an individual competition -- all reward and immunity challenges will be solo efforts.

Peachy orders the contestants to remove their buffs, and reveals that their new tribe color is either red or orange. I can't quite tell on my crappy television, but let's go with red because it's a nicer color. Peachy announces that they'll have an entirely new home, and thus will have to craft a new shelter, come up with a new name, and paint a flag. He arms them with a map and boat, handing the map off to HeiDDi. As they head off, Butch immediately scoops up Deena's hand, telling her that he feels like he's known her since the first day of the game. Aw. Rob hugs Christy and introduces himself; Christy enthusiastically tells us in an interview that she's happy and surprised to have made the merge. She raises both hands in a hairy-armpitted expression of victory. Rob makes his way over to HeiDDi and gives her a big hug, while Jenna looks bored and politely pats Davey Rockett's back as they embrace. In an interview, Davey Rockett tells us that the "surge" of having reached this point in the game after battling each other for so long was terrific, because they've successfully accomplished something. The tribe paddles along past very tall trees growing in the middle of the water. Cool. A familiar croc slinks by.

The new tribe's boat crashes into shore, conveniently appearing in videotaped footage in case Deena wants to sue for whiplash later. Seriously, it looks like that end part of the log flume ride right before you're supposed to get off. We see a meal laid out on the ground, and Roger tells us in an interview that it was the "feast to end all feasts." The contestants run over, celebrating the chocolate, salsa, and Coors Light. There are also several baskets, which the tribe thinks must contain hamburgers, but it's yet another exquisite American meal: hot dogs! Gold-filled hot dogs, apparently, judging by the tribe's excitement. Various other bowls reveal slaw, potato salad, corn on the cob, and pickles, the last of which Butch seems particularly excited about. The pickles are flying, man! In an interview, Davey Rockett tells us that they're at a new point in the game with new people and "new friendships to be made." He cites a "flurry of excitement" during which no one was thinking about the game. Except all the women, but he doesn't know that yet. Instead, he tells us that they were just enjoying the meal and celebrating the merge. Davey Rockett passes around beer, and everyone toasts each other. Alex -- whose toasting hand is empty -- makes a series of frantic hand gestures that may or may not include a "thumbs up." I've read on the forums that this is some sort of AA gesture, but I've never seen it before -- not in any of the myriad made-for-television movies I've seen or by a Backstreet Boy, anyway.

Our old friend the crocodile slides into the water, and even he knows to keep a wary eye on Matthew. Rob tells the group that they need to take the experience slowly and enjoy it. Deena announces that she has a few ideas for the new tribe's name: Jacar, which she reveals is Portuguese for "crocodile." No one wants to sit through her other smug suggestions, so they immediately agree on the aforementioned Jacar (forever "Jacke" to me), causing Rob to declare, "A tribe is born!"

In the midst of the festivities, Roger gets up and walks away from the other members of the tribe, while Deena rolls her eyes at his back. HeiDDi announces that she doesnt want to get up because she's "eatin' chips, man!" Roger voice-overs that the group's attitude was "Let's be festive all afternoon," and they forgot about building the shelter. The other members of the tribe slowly get to their feet, and Davey Rockett picks at his wedgie. If you have it on tape, go back and watch him. Maybe someone can work some "Hamster Dance"-inspired magic with this one? As the other men join Roger in working, the women stand around and watch. The men of Jacke seem most interested in preserving the beer, and offer up their ice-filled raincoats as a cooling system. Roger irritatedly points out that keeping the beer cold isn't a priority, before telling us in an interview that it ticked him off that the other men had invented a "special contraption" for keeping the beer on ice. A quick clip reveals a double-fisting Matt, who must keep his hands occupied at all times in order to avoid the instinct to start cutting people up on camera. Butch calmly tries to reason down Roger's irritation, but Roger's not having it and snits, "So it's warm! So it's warm!" Butch knows when to give up, and quietly concedes, "All right, Rog." In an interview, Alex says, "The problem with Roger is that...he's an ass." Hee. Alex calls Roger a loud, obnoxious, bossy, know-it-all, who is desperate to be the tribe's leader. Alex continues telling us that Roger wanted only his own priorities attended to, and constantly yelled at everyone.

Roger insists to the group that they need to assign duties. An awkward silence ensues as no one even attempts to respond, before Alex jumps in to point out that their current location is not far from the water, but that they're at an elevated point. He thinks it's only a small gamble to remain where they are. Deena voices her concern about that 150-feet "thing that you're supposed to be from the water's edge for the whole crocodile..." She motions toward the nearby swamp, and Alex agrees that they could move because of potential crocs, or risk staying where they are. Deena proposes that if they do remain in their current location, they should at least move the fire. Honestly, I don't think Deena has that big a problem with their location, but just wants her viewpoint acknowledged. Instead, Roger incredulously asks, "What? To keep the caiman away?" Alex handles the situation more skillfully by agreeing that they could move the fire, but that "it doesn't have to be a big blazer, and it doesn't have to go all the time." In other words, they won't have the fire there at all, but Deena at least feels like her opinion was heard. Roger reiterates that it isn't necessary to move the fire, and insists that the caiman won't bother them while Deena again cites her survival training. The other members of the tribe look perplexed by this argument, and I'm guessing it's because they know Roger's right but don't want to admit it because he's being so annoying about it. Rob laughs straight at the camera before telling us in an interview that there is a lot of tension between Deena and Roger. He says that Deena is a strong woman whom he respects, and that she's a lawyer and can argue her way out of any situation. Meanwhile, Roger just loves to talk. The interview is filmed, incidentally, from an unusual fisheye angle that does nothing to emphasize Rob's good physical features. Whatever those may be.