When we left Just Peachy, he was hopped up on Mountain Dew and heralding Brian's victory as the fifth winner of Survivor. Brian was whispering something long and urgent in Ken's ear, and a buttoned-to-the-neck C.C. was crying from an acceptable hundred yards away. The unrecognizable first seven booted contestants had filed onto the stage and were milling about trying to act as though we remembered who they were, while a tumbleweed had mysteriously settled atop Clay's head, perched jauntily beside Brian's brand-new mullet.
A very excited Peachy tells us we must be wondering, "How did this happen?" And I am wondering, because the switch between Thailand and Los Angeles was virtually seamless save for the aforementioned new coifs, Brian's beefed-up arms, and Jan's black eyeliner. But that's not what Peachy means. Instead, he's wondering how Brian -- known to everyone to be a "player and a threat" -- made it to the Final Two, and managed to bring along Clay, a "guy that not only didn't do his fair share of the work, but half his own tribe didn't even like him!" What Peachy finds most "confounding," however, is the failure by Jan, Helen, and Ted to wise up and "take one of those two guys out." In the following hour, Peachy tells us, we'll also "get to the bottom" of the Grindia-and-Ted incident, which is an unfortunate choice of words. Well, fortunate for us in the viewing audience because it's funny, but unfortunate for Ted and Grindia's families, who have probably long since moved on from that particular embarrassment and on to the myriad others life with their spouses undoubtedly presents. Peachy promises that the show will be quick, but says nothing about its being painless. Still, he insists that we'll have fun and urges us to stick around. As we go to commercial, the camera pans out to show Brian giving the thumbs-up to someone in the audience -- most likely, C.C.'s hardworking parole officer.
Back from commercial, the audience is prompted by some unseen element to applaud wildly. Most likely, Peachy has just announced that Penny will be unable to make tonight's show. Or else Rudy walked in. Yay, Rudy! Peachy gleefully tells us that this is the first time since Thailand that the entire S16 have been gathered together. Peachy tells us that after several seasons, he still can't make any sense of what it takes to succeed in the game. He points out that Richard won by being in control; Tina won "basically because people respected her"; Ethan's likeability led him to victory; and Vecepia won by flying under the radar -- not to mention God's grace, of course. Peachy thinks that Brian did the opposite of flying under the radar, but by my count, he pretty much perfectly fulfilled the other descriptions. He did control the game; people -- for what reasons, I don't know -- respected him; and they also seemed to like him a great deal. In any case, Peachy tells us that he's still clueless, because based on first impressions, he would never have predicted the game's end result. He congratulates a somber-looking Brian, who does his standard, humble-man "thank you, thank you" routine before standing, waving at the audiences, and extending a hand toward the players seated behind him, as if sharing his success with them. Brian sits back down and casually flips back his mullet as Peachy snits that he's "already taken his curtain calls."
Despite Peachy's confusion about how Brian won, he still thinks Brian was one of the all-time smartest players. In fact, Peachy posits, if the tribe were a totem pole, Brian was never at its head; instead, he maintained control of the game without ever controlling the tribe. Although I'm not sure if that statement is entirely true, it's worth the image of the animated heads of Ted, Jan, Helen, Clay, and Brian forming a totem pole. Brian credits his success to daily "positive affirmations," as well as to enjoying the game. He woke up each morning and reminded himself that he was not at Club Med. I'll bet every one-time shipwrecked castaway watching the show right now wishes he or she had that problem. Brian claims that there are mind games involved, and reveals that he had to remind himself of that frequently, and confirm his purpose in Thailand.
As Brian's cockiness escalates, Peachy swoops in to cut him down. He points out that, despite all Brian's strategies, he barely won over Clay. He apologizes to Clay for being "fresh," as he points out that he "badgered" three people on the jury and still got three of the jury's seven votes. He asks if Brian was surprised to have "squeaked this out." Brian curiously looks Clay over, before sputtering that Clay's a "very tough competitor, very likeable, very likeable, likeable guy, a very likeable guy." Peachy is annoyed and cuts in, "No, no, no, no, no, Brian. We're not doin' this anymore!" He thinks he might get a straight answer out of Clay, and very slowly explains that there were seven people on the jury, so Clay needed four votes. Instead of pandering to those votes, Clay instead gave Jake a pre-Tribal Council tongue-lashing, and did it again during the jury speeches; he talked around Ted's question; and he didn't even try to answer Helen. Peachy asks why Clay didn't even attempt to win over one of them, and points out that it would have been a "$900,000 vote." Clay responds that because he and Jake are from the same part of the country and have arguments every day, he thought that particular disagreement wasn't a big deal. Peachy questions whether Clay really thought Jake would write off the argument, "Aw, that old Clay." Clay says he didn't think that, but he also didn't think Jake would "hold it in his heart like that." Clay fumbles for words to continue, and Peachy finally cuts him off: "You get my point, right?" Clay understands, but that doesn't stop Peachy from snitting, "My point is: you got all this way and then you just started cuttin' bridges left and right." Clay explains that he didn't think at the time he was cutting a bridge with Jake, he remains confused about Ted's allegations of racism, and Helen's mind was already made up so whatever he said wouldn't have made any difference. With this, the camera pans over to show Helen's sourpuss face.
Peachy turns back to Brian, points out his various alliances, and says it was clear -- given the opportunity -- that Brian planned to take to the finals whomever would benefit Brian best in the end; Peachy asks why Brian thought that was Clay. Brian responds, "One word: paranoia." He explains that Clay made the mistake of allowing his emotions to take over, and didn't always think before acting. Peachy translates: "Meaning: Clay had more enemies," and then orders the group, "Gimme a direct answer" from now on because the show is only an hour long. Peachy agrees that it was wise of Brian not to pick Jan, because she was well liked. Brian mumbles, "Just a decision."
Peachy turns to Ted and points out that both he and Clay were surprised by Ted's allegations of a racist comment by Clay. Ted -- who has lost more weight since the show ended but still hasn't managed to buy a shirt that fits him -- says it took him by surprise, too. He reveals that he had a conversation about racism with Helen after she was voted off. When he asked if Clay had ever made any racist comments, she revealed that he had. Because Ted trusted and respected Helen, he took her word for it. The subject was "dear" to him, and he was pissed off. Peachy questions whether it was fair to base such an important decision on hearsay; Ted says he isn't sure. He states again that he was angry to hear about such a comment from Clay, because he thought Clay was different. Peachy smirkily calls out Helen, pointing out that she supplied the damaging information, but was also the same person who was "on Brian's butt" for basing a decision on hearsay. She so wishes she was on Brian's butt. Anyway, Helen meets Peachy's criticism with her typically defiant and silent stare. He asks how Ted could be sure that Helen didn't speak ill out of a grudge against Clay. Ted acknowledges that she could have, but claims that her description of the events leading up to the comment made sense, and he trusted her enough to believe her. He ultimately reached his conclusion based on his "gut." I'd argue that his gut was so compromised by that point, it couldn't possibly have been a reliable source.
Peachy says, "And now the bigger question...." and I momentarily think he'll move on to the actual comment, since it seems only fair when someone is accused of racism -- or of anything for that matter -- that he know exactly what he is being accused of. But no; that subject's over and done with. Instead, Peachy wants to know why Helen, Ted, and Jan didn't attempt to take out Clay or Brian in order to "break that power link." Ted grins broadly and responds that he didn't trust Clay and doubted that Jan was "emotionally stable enough" to negotiate a deal without giving it away. The audience laughs along with Ted at the "emotionally stable" part. Jan acknowledges that, according to Peachy, she had some "ups and downs out there emotionally." Peachy asks if she was aware that Helen and Ted were trying to form a "new threesome" with her, and aside from the ew factor, Jan responds that she thought she could have been a swing vote and expected to be approached, but that never happened. We don't see Helen's face yet, but I have no doubt that it's locked in its typical steely frown. Peachy points out that Helen just "turned around and dropped [her] jaw on that," and Helen insists that she did indeed approach Jan, who says, "Oh, I'm sorry." Helen continues whining, "I did, I did. It was our chance!" And either Jan entirely forgot that she'd been approached, or she's too nice to contradict Helen on national television. Helen continues to shake her head in overwrought dismay while Peachy turns back to Jan and asks her if she "remember[s] the time when Brian and Clay stood above [her] in a very intimidating pose." He wants to know specifically whether she recalls what Brian said, and she does: that they were going to vote Helen out. He asks what was going through her head at that point, and wonders if it was a good move. Jan didn't know what direction to go in; she should have approached Helen, but reveals that they'd all earlier agreed to avoid the random ball-picking tiebreaker, or as she eloquently puts it, having to "pull the balls, you know, at the end." She admits that it was an error, but that's not good enough for Peachy, who apparently wants her sobbing in a guilt-ridden pile of shame by the end of this. He trots out Brian's comment that third place was pretty good and mockingly adds, "Third place is what? -- you know, $15,000 more than fourth, and it's just about a million short of first."
Peachy asks Helen how frustrating it was to be a "lame duck" at that point without the extra person to strategize with. Helen whines that it was "so frustrating." She says she loves Jan, but adds, "That was our chance. We could have controlled the game. We could control the game. We could have gone all the way. We, we, we could have done it." Peachy fails to point out that Helen voted against Jan and, had things gone her way, would presumably have ended up in exactly the same position Jan did. Still, Helen milks this situation for all it's worth, and looks plaintively over at Jan, who apologizes again. Helen doesn't absolve her in any way, but Peachy jumps in to say that Jan didn't screw anything up and could play the game any way she wanted. Thoroughly beaten down by now, Jan adds, "But we did have a chance." Behind her, Ken gently pats her shoulder. Aw. Peachy then begins rattling on about how difficult the conditions were in Thailand, and I think he's throwing Jan a bone and will congratulate her on lasting so long. Instead, he asks if she looks back and wishes she had made a different move after enduring so much. Jan responds that she felt like a "functioning robot" and was no longer able to think clearly. She wishes that she'd approached Helen and Ted about forming an alliance.
Peachy asks Helen why she trusted Brian, and she credits his "work ethic." She explains that, upon arriving in Thailand, she didn't know any of her tribemates and had to evaluate them very quickly. Helen is wearing yet another itty bitty dress, and she looks very uncomfortable in it -- like she doesn't quite know how to sit; she's all twisted around and awkward. She says she knew very quickly which members of the S16 were doing their share of the work, and cites a specific morning when she got up early to fetch water and Brian offered to help her. She resisted his offer, but he insisted, saying, "You know, H, if we don't do it, it's not gonna get done!" She says it was nice to have her hard work acknowledged, and also to know that both she and Brian were staying busy. But not "getting busy," as she would have obviously preferred. Really, I'm embarrassed to hear Helen relate this story since it only proves how easily she was played by Brian, who perfectly appealed to her vanity and self-righteousness. Peachy asks whether her opinion changed after seeing the show; she immediately answers, "Yes, sir!" The audiences laughs as Peachy asks if she would have changed her vote, and she responds again, "Yes, sir!" Peachy then asks if she wishes she'd changed her vote for Clay, even though she hated him, and she quickly answers, "Would have been tough." The audience loves this and laughs and laughs, while Helen maintains her dour, pissy face.
It's now time to find out how the jury voted. We already know that Penny and Erin voted for Clay, while Helen and Ted voted for Brian. Peachy reveals that Ken also voted for Clay, while Jake and Jan both voted for Brian. Peachy asks a very smiley, orange-colored Penny -- apparently the victim of a tragic self-tanning incident -- why she voted in Clay's favor. He further asks whether she voted "for Clay or against Clay," and instead of this being the funny suggestion that Penny didn't know how to vote, I think he meant to say "for Clay or against Brian." In either case, it doesn't matter, since Penny doesn't answer that particular question. Instead, she brags that she lasted twelve days with them, and during that time, Clay tried to get to know her; they shared lots of stories and he seemed genuine in his interest in her. In her ass, that is. In the end, Penny felt she had a "better connection" with Clay than with Brian. Through this, Clay doesn't watch her, but keeps his eyes sharply on Peachy; clearly, he wants to see where this is headed. Peachy prods Penny to mention a conversation she had with Clay about how some of the Chuay Gahns "were wantin'" to vote out Jake while others "were wantin'" to vote out Penny. How does it seem perfectly natural that someone who calls herself "Pinny" also says "were wantin'" instead of the more concise and less grating, "wanted"? That aside, Penny says Clay suggested that it would be in Penny's best interest to distance herself from Jake in order to demonstrate the lack of an alliance between them. Peachy asks Clay to explain the story, but then cuts him off: "What happened was, you were setting Penny up, right?" Clay wouldn't call it "settin' up"; he'd call it "putting someone on the jury to vote for" him. Hee. Clay says the Chuay Gahns knew Penny was strong and intended to vote her off, and reveals that he did indeed strategize to get her jury vote. Peachy is very proud of himself, and boasts that he figured out Clay's deception after the game had finished: Clay knew there were enough votes to oust Penny without his vote, and so threw a vote Jake's way to earn Penny's allegiance. Peachy explains that Penny would then have concluded, "The only person who was honest with me was..." At this point, Clay happily jumps in and yells, "Clay!" He insists that he was being honest, but admits that he knew Penny was going to go that night. Peachy asks whether Penny knew about Clay's deception before watching the show; she didn't. Clay smiles and says, "That's the rules." Peachy tells him he's right, and concludes, "That's why you made it to the Final Two."
Peachy is surprised that the time is passing so quickly, and assures us that we'll look at the most memorable moments of the season, including the one between Ted and Grindia. We see the same clips we've been shown over and over again, but I can't figure out why they haven't replayed the "punch his ass in the eye" clip.
In the post-commercial clips, we see a slow-motion shot of Brian and Clay riding the elephant. Clay says something in Tarzan-speak, and Brian looks stiff and uncomfortable. The audience cheers, because it's fun to see Brian looking uncomfortable.
Peachy is peculiarly posed as he tells us that the season was full of many memorable moments, but none "spawned" more talk than the "incident" between Ted and Grindia. He explains that the drama unfolded on the fourth, fifth, and sixth days on the island, just when relationships were developing and people were starting to align themselves with each other. Ted and Grindia were just beginning a friendship, and we are shown "a little reminder of what they had goin' on." In clips, Grindia does her sexy diva thang while Ted pretends to take her picture, and rests her hand on Ted's upper thigh while they rest. Meanwhile, she voice-overs about how she was missing her husband, and Ted was "so good to hug." Peachy points out that Grindia was obviously comfortable with the situation at that point. A beautifully made-up, lovely-looking -- even, one might say, diva-esque -- Grindia agrees that she was happy to have a new friend and says, "We was [sic] chillin'." Peachy points out that not only was Grindia okay with the situation, she admitted to encouraging it, because there were friends and in a challenging situation together. She adds, "And we're both married." A very earnest Grindia thought it was important at that point in the game to have a "homey" -- someone who was on her side and wouldn't vote against her. Peachy won't let Grindia off the hook, and insists again that they were clearly "very familiar. He adds, "You had your hand, and you were...okay." Ted looks dismayed as Peachy explains that one night the snuggling crossed into an uncomfortable area for Grindia. This is followed by footage of ranting, rock-throwing Grindia stomping around yelling about Ted's "butt crack showin' every damn day," and Ted's admission that "for some crazy reason," he started "grinding, um, [Grindia]." Blah blah blah, she got the feeling that he was trying to get with her; blah blah he didn't need to get with her; blah blah he wasn't even attracted to her; blah blah blah he was 150 to 200%attractive with the wife that he had. The audience cackles as Peachy calls Ted's percent-spouting one of the show's best lines. Peachy points out that lots of feelings were upset during this exchange, leading to a unique end result. For the first time, people outside the game were directly affected: Grindia's and Ted's spouses. Peachy asks what happened when Ted walked in the door, and Ted takes the question literally, explaining that he didn't wait to get home; he told his wife as soon as he stepped off the plane. He told her everything went fine except for one incident, about which he went into "great detail." They worked through those emotions and moved on. Peachy asks what happened when the episode aired, and Ted responds that he could never have prepared his wife for what she actually saw. The show caused even more embarrassment, but they worked through that as well. Peachy concludes, "And you guys are okay," and Ted grins that they are more than that, they're "wonderful."
Peachy thinks Grindia had two issues to work out with her husband: she not only had to tell him what happened, but she also had to explain that it might appear that she'd encouraged the situation. Grindia licks her shiny lipstick and agrees that it was very difficult. She chokes up as she reveals that the hardest part was knowing she'd hurt her husband, as well as Ted and his family. If she had a magic wand, she'd take away the whole incident. She nearly breaks down as she repeats that hurting her husband was the hardest part of the ordeal. When Peachy asks how their relationship is now, she smiles broadly, looks into the audience, and exclaims, "That's my soulmate! That's my man!" Her dreadlocked husband looks slightly grim, but accepting. Meanwhile, a darling little blond child bounces around on his lap and mouths, "I love you." The husband kisses the kid, and it's very cute. Aw. Peachy suddenly remembers that he also talked to Ted's wife prior to the broadcast (I can't imagine why she didn't show), and tells us, "And they've got the baby and everything is fine." I should hope they've got the baby! Anyway, Peachy wraps it up by saying that the spouses ultimately understood because it's "a weird environment out there and things happen." And in a similar situation, I'm not sure I'd accept that as an adequate explanation.
Another memorable moment, according to Peachy, was the merge that wasn't. He explains that, on Day 17, in past seasons, the tribes had officially merged into one. In this season, he called both tribes together and announced that they would live together from that point on. They presumed a merge, and Shii Devil celebrated because she could now befriend the other tribe. An orange-clothed (not orange-faced) Shii Devil cackles in a disingenuous way. We see Peachy's "I certainly didn't say anything to give you that impression, did I?" segment, followed by Shi Devil's 180 degree, gonged head snap. Shii Devil makes a mock gesture of victory, and then says it was about "point two" seconds before she knew she was done for. Peachy asks if the lack of merge was great news for Ken and Erin, the latter of whom responds, "Absolutely!" She looks uncomfortable when Peachy asks why, but Ken is all to happy to explain that once Shii Devil revealed herself as a traitor, she was a goner. He says that Peachy's announcement helped the Sook Jai members get rid of her, and he thought to himself, "I know you ain't got nothin' to do, but you ain't doin' it here!" I have no idea what that means, and the others probably don't either, but Shii Devil makes a point of laughing the loudest.
Peachy proposes that a review of the season wouldn't be complete without a visit from one of the most "electric" competitors ever on the show. He says Robb "tasted it all" in Thailand and displayed some of the season's most immature moments as well as a beautiful epiphany. Peachy calls it the "total Survivor experience," and urges us to "take a look at some of the uglies....cause it was ugly." We see footage of Robb throttling Clay, calling him a "weak, little, whiny punk" and a "backwoods hick," yodeling, and wanting to spit in his face. Robb laughs because his behavior was "so terrible." He admits to feeling total embarrassment, and acknowledges that he's acted immaturely before, but never in front of twenty million people. Watching the show with his family was "hardcore," and they disbelievingly asked him, "Where you chokin' that guy? What the hell's the matter with you?" Have you ever heard the joke about the old guy on the bus who stares at the punked-up kid sitting across from him? The old guy stares and stares, until the young punk asks, "Haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The old man responds, "I had sex with a rooster once, and now I'm wondering if you're my son." Which is a long way of saying, Robb looks like a rooster. Anyway, Robb can't believe that he warbled and made faces and acted generally like a "doorknob." Hee. Peachy points out that he redeemed himself in the end and came "full circle" with at least "one moment of clarity." We see clips of the fireside chat during which Robb proclaimed his newfound respect for family and love for his father. Peachy asks whether Robb's epiphany lasted when he got home, or if he reverted to "the old Robb." Robb insists that his experience on the show had a huge impact on him; he continues to express his love for his father. Peachy asks if he didn't have that relationship before being on the show, and Robb explains that they were butting heads and had lots of conflicts. He smiles and adds, "I'm kind of a jerk sometimes." Peachy congratulates Robb on his personal growth, and Robb adds that there is "a lot of maturity involved in going on Survivor." He tells us that he grew up.
Peachy abruptly concludes Robb's catharsis, and tells us that we'll look at how first appearances can be deceiving; he says sometimes even the Survivor casting people can get fooled. We see a grainy, close-up shot of a black-lingerie-clad woman jerking and grinding around to disturbing music. It's so not sexy. It turns out that this is Stompanie, who voices over in this casting video that she's going to tell us all about herself. Really, she's going to show us all about herself, and she turns around to wriggle her thronged, pixilated ass at the camera. The editors have also pixilated her bra, so it's either transparent or cut-out. Peachy says, "Too bad that woman never showed up," and the audience howls with laughter. Peachy says we'll investigate that further during the segment, but first we'll stop by Clay's Monroe, Louisiana hometown, where his supporters have gathered at a hotel restaurant. So many people showed up, in fact, that the bash had to be moved to the hotel's ballroom. Peachy jokes that he hopes Clay wasn't planning on using the million-dollar prize to pay for it. Well, he certainly didn't put it on credit. Anyway, lots of chubby children wave at the cameras while plucky music plays.
As we return from the commercial, even Magilla has made it onto the show! In footage, he furtively stuffs food pellets in his mouth and sneakily looks around.
Then Magilla's time is over, all too soon, and Peachy is telling us that one of the show's most unusual aspects is that every competitor goes in with a blank slate; the only things they know about each other are what can physically be seen, and what attitude they give off. Peachy explains that they have to make assessments and judgments based on what little information they have about each other. He tells us that the show's casting agents did the same thing with Stompanie. Clearly she was a strong, athletic firefighter, but based on what she told them and showed them in her audition tape, they believed she was going to be a "barrel of fun." We see more footage in which Stompanie slides down a fire pole, sits unsexily in front of a fireplace in her unsexy nasty black lingerie, and attempts to start a fire while naked, filthy, and wearing false teeth. As the tape rolls, Peachy voice-overs that she's funny and has the "drama goin' on." In the last segment of the tape, naked Stompanie rises from the water with a fish in her mouth and the same nasty fake teeth, which she removes to command that if they don't pick her, they can "kiss [her] fish." The fish is strategically placed to cover her nether regions. The other members react with amazement and Stompanie says, "Jesus! Oh my God," and acts surprised as well for no apparent reason, since she of all people knew what was on the tape. Unless someone snuck up and without her knowledge taped her putting a fish over her cooter. Peachy asks, "Where was this girl?" and Stompanie officially confirms that she is indeed humorless by immediately going on the defensive. She whines that she couldn't handle the lack of nutrition, and had never before in her life been physically limited. She says the hunger kicked her butt. Stompanie insists that the girl on the tape is the real Stompanie, and she is upset because she disappointed her family and friends, as well as the people who chose her for the show. It's been difficult for her to accept that she "could not bring [Stompanie] Dill in everyday life to Thailand." Peachy asks if she took anything away from the event, and she claims that she did: great lasting friendships and memories. Peachy cuts her off to ask, "But you personally?" and she says that she'd never thought about having kids before. Peachy is obviously going for something else and says that "more importantly" he'd meant how she told him she'd "never ever" let herself down again. Cross her heart and hope to die; stick a needle in her eye. Stompanie agrees that she won't, and then throws in the whole "I want to have kids" thing, clearly expecting audience to applaud this announcement, but not getting any response because...well, like we really need more humorless people in this world. In any case, Stompanie calls Survivor a wonderful experience, and insists that there's more to the game than money. Not that she cared about the money anyway, that is.
Peachy turns to Erin as an example of a castaway who had to overcome a stereotype. He thinks she must have judgments made about her all the time, and says that she was the "Survivor hot chick this season, for sure." We see footage of breasts and butt and Erin inspecting her stomach while cleaning herself. Seriously, this is some strange footage to include while highlighting her sexiness. Unless it's geared to all the cleanliness fetishists out there. Peachy asks whether she knew, going into the game, that she'd have to overcome inaccurate perceptions of herself, and she says she did. She was aware that she would have to work hard to prove herself in order not to be perceived as just "the girl sliding by on her big boobs." Now that's an interesting visual. Erin then reveals that she stopped wearing her bikini top a few days into the show because she was afraid it would work against her. In the end, she thinks she broke the stereotype by making it further in the game than anyone expected her to do, and working hard. In the end, she thinks she'll be remembers as a "well-liked, hardworking player," as opposed to as "just the chick with the big boobs." Peachy says, "Well, maybe both."
It's Jed's turn now, and Peachy thinks it's fair to say that he was one of the strongest -- if not the strongest -- person out there. Despite the fact that he was very competitive and played "full-tilt boogie," he was an "instant outcast." The camera pans over to show Jed, who is far less physically appealing with his hair all combed over to one side. Peachy asks Jed what he learned "from how the tribe treated" him, and Jed's voice Peter Bradys as he explains that "basically, it's like in life": when you join a new group, you need to fly below the radar or you're a target. I don't know what kind of group's he's joining, but I'm glad I'm not a part of them. Jed says he didn't fly as low as he should have, and from this comment, Peachy concludes that Jed "stuck out like a sore thumb." Jed adds that he "let [him]self show" in the competitions and mistakenly aligned himself with other athletic people attempting to do the same thing. Peachy asks Shii Devil to reveal just how badly Sook Jai wanted to get rid of Jed, and she proudly announces that they threw the pyramid challenge. I'm not sure I'd be as proud of that as she is, considering how things turned out for the tribe. Anyway, Jed claims that he figured out what was going on when Ken announced his intention to sit out the challenge, but he still wasn't willing to give up.
Peachy whines again that the hour is passing by too quickly, and he's losing time in the spotlight. In the segment, we'll see a promo for the sixth season, but first we'll see some of Jan's "colleagues" in Florida. He says, "Where else would they be? They're at a pub!" Jan's crowd is smaller and more sedate than Clay's, and includes a blatantly bored red-shirted man.
As we return from commercial, drunk Ted screams and rolls around on a mattress while his feet are massaged. He laughs good-naturedly while the clip airs, and Robb pats his back. They then clasp hands on it -- an act common among reality-show competitors, which I'll never understand. Peachy says, "Ted, I know you don't drink often. And it's a good thing."
up, Peachy explains that we're about to look at "one of the most mysterious places on earth." Clay and Linda's home? No, it's the season of Survivor in the Amazon! As Peachy voice-overs that the Amazon is the largest rainforest on the planet and responsible for fifteen percent of the world's oxygen, we see treetops, muddy water, a green boat bearing Peachy, and a suspicious-looking crocodile. I guess all crocodiles are inherently suspicious-looking, but this on is particularly so. A monkey-like creature jumps between trees, a local looks serious, and another croc ducks the camera. Peachy narrates that the Amazon is big, and full of kooky animals. Well, he calls them "beautiful" and "unique." I'm already a fan of the very cuddly-looking sloth. Peachy tells us that deeper in the jungle there are dangerous animals, as well. And you're trying to tell me that the aforementioned "pink dolphin" is not dangerous? Anyway, these include more crocodiles, piranhas, and "the world's most-feared snake, the anaconda." The new S16 will face torrential rainstorms and scorching temperatures as well as, Peachy promises, "a twist unlike anything you've ever seen." A bird screams at the camera. A spider drops down in front of a torch. It's yet another ultimate challenge: outwit, outplay, outlast. You know how it goes from here.
There are three things Peachy wants to ask about before they wrap up. He urges the S16 to keep their answers short, because there are so many good stories to tell. First, he asks Jake about Jenny's trip to Thailand. We see Jenny, seated considerably closer than C.C., laughing in the audience, as Jake explains that before Jenny arrived, he was outnumbered, feeling down, low, and hungry, but when she showed up and ate her bugs, Jake reached an all-time high. Then, "she walk[ed] off," and he reached the "lowest of lows in the world." Two days later, she came back, and he convinced himself that because she'd eaten all those bugs for him, he could do absolutely anything for her. Seeing her made him melt "right into mush, man," and he concludes, "It's about love. That's what it's about."
Peachy heralds a "hard transition, here," as he calls out a somber Tanya, who obviously knows what's coming. He reveals that she had a tough time on the show, but a much harder time afterward. She was still on the island when Day 36 rolled around, and brought sad news from home. Peachy says he wants to check in with her before ordering her to tell the group what happened. Tanya cries as she explains that it's still a very emotional subject for her; she tells us that her mother called her in Thailand to tell her that her father had died. The dead people pictures always get to me, and this one is no different. Tanya's father looks very happy and pleasantly goofy in his photograph. He's not exactly wistful, but it's close enough. The camera lingers on the photo, working it for all it's got. Peachy thinks there's an "up side" of the story -- as there always is with Peachy -- and explains that prior to Tanya's departure for Thailand, there was some "family business that hadn't been resolved." Tanya explains that her parents divorced ten years ago and her sister and father hadn't spoken in ten years because of it. She tells us that "[her] sister and them" threw a party for her, and she was shocked to learn that her father had been invited. She weepily says, "Had I not been selected for Survivor, they never would have talked!" and concludes, "So it was like even though I lost, I was a winner, you know, before I even left!" There's so much to mock there, but dead parents kind of take the fun right out of it. Poor Tanya.
Peachy tells us that they have a little more to do before we go, and as the camera pans out for the last commercial, a woman's voice oddly urges in the background, "Come on! Let's go! Come on. Go! What? No!" Did anyone else hear that, or was it my subconscious piping in?
Tinkly, thoughtful music plays as we return from commercial. Peachy calls out waxen John, and suggests that he's "without question" the strongest and most capable contestant ever voted out first. Peachy thinks that if he had another shot at the game, he'd do much better. He asks if John is "doin' okay, though?" and in the nine and a half seconds allotted to him, John explains that he gave his tribe members the idea that he was an aggressor, when he was just trying to help the tribe. Being voted out first really sucks.
Peachy thanks the S16, and wants to leave us with a couple of "observations." First, he tells us that fans can buy all kinds of items at eBay, including the voting urn -- with the votes -- and the torches. More importantly, it benefits the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation. He also tells us that they're now looking for people for Survivor 7, and offers up a "cryptic" tip: "Study John Nash's non-cooperative game-playing theory. He promises that "all the answers to Survivor are there," and tells the "fanatics" to get on the internet. Oh, sweet, naïve Just Peachy. The fanatics are already there.
In closing, Peachy advertises Brian's appearance on the morning's episode of The Early Show, now long past, and congratulates him. In response, Brian salutes the audience and doesn't look particularly pleased. Peachy heralds the February return of Survivor; he'll see us then!