Boys vs. Girls

Rattling sounds and scenery bring us to the back of a boating local, clearly hiding his face in order not to be associated with this show. The sneaky eyes of a crocodile pop above the water line, belonging to a crocodile clearly attempting to do the same. We see a large paddleboat, and Peachy voice-overs that the group is heading up a river in northern Brazil in 103-degree weather. He claims, as always, that "sixteen Americans are about to begin the adventure of a lifetime" on this, the sixth season of Survivor. Peachy then appears with new, unusually perky ears; he either got a haircut or an earlift. He explains that they are approaching the world's largest tropical rainforest -- the Amazon. It spans two and a half million miles, is responsible for 15% of the world's oxygen, and is the world's largest freshwater source. A cuddly animal makes its way into the water, and then a not-so-cuddly animal does the same. We see treetops as Peachy voice-overs that the area is usually a "flooded forest" covered by sixty feet of water, but when the river subsides, it reveals dangers like cayman crocodiles, who attack fish accompanied by booming sound effects; piranhas; and "the world's most feared snake, the Anaconda." And here I thought the world's most feared snake was Brian Heidik. Peachy announces that "torrential thunderstorms" will soon flood the forest, "rocking this jungle." Peachy insists that this is the "ultimate challenge," and points out that these sixteen strangers will now be forced to work together to create a new society. And that whole "new society" shtick is getting old. When they elect a king, we can talk. A shot of a large, swimming cat is edited to look like it's nearby, but it's not. Two brightly colored birds attack each other, while sixteen brightly colored Survivors look perplexed. Peachy manages to maintain or even increase his enthusiasm from prior seasons with the usual proclamation, "Thirty-nine days, sixteen people, one Survivor!"

There's nothing particularly distinctive about the new credits, except for the remarkable number of birds contained therein: Running birds. Flying birds. Running birds getting ready to fly. There are also an assortment of cuddly and not-so-cuddly animals. The most noteworthy part of the credits is how much new competitor Deena resembles the General from Survivor Marquesas.

We see another shot of the paddleboat, trailing two baby boats behind it. A greasy animal cautiously makes its way down a branch, and as greasy as it appears, it's difficult to determine whether this creature falls into the cuddly or not-so-cuddly category. Peachy announces that the S16 have traveled a long way, and will now find out who their new tribemates will be. As Peachy calls out their names, they should each climb down the boat ladder and get into the yellow boat. He says the "get into the yellow boat" part very, very slowly. Jeanne, a forty-one-year-old marketing director from Massachusetts is first, and she has some difficulties getting down the rope ladder. Neleh-like, twenty-four-year-old gym teacher from Missouri Heidi follows, and many a male mouth drops open on the paddleboat. Joanna, a thirty-one-year-old guidance counselor from South Carolina; Jenna, a twenty-one-year-old "swimsuit model" from Pittsburgh; and twenty-four-year-old children's adventure guide Christy, from Colorado, are . On the boat, Roger looks perplexed. In the season's first interview, Heidi tells us that when Peachy called the fifth girl, she knew instantly that it would be an all-female tribe. Twenty-five-year-old Californian and deputy district attorney Deena; forty-six-year-old Missourian homemaker Janet; and kinky-haired twenty-three-year-old Shawna, who works in retail sales in California, finish out the tribe. Peachy announces that once they're all on board, they can introduce themselves and "celebrate" their new tribe. The girls hug, and Janet nearly appears to tip the boat as she wobbles toward the front. In an interview, Deena tells us that she was "absolutely just overjoyed" about the female constituency of the tribe. She ftes the "all-chick thing" because they can "let [their] hair down," and "pee in front of each other." She says they're on an equal playing field because they're all the same sex.

Peachy calls out the men, beginning with Roger, a fifty-six-year-old construction company vice-president from California. In an interview, he tells us that although the women may have strength of will, what they really need is strength of...well, strength. He says, "You know, and this is a forbidding place. It's pathetic!" The announcing of the men moves much quicker: Peachy calls out Alex, a thirty-two-year-old triathlon coach from Los Angeles; Rob, a twenty-four-year-old computer projects coordinator from New York; Butch, a fifty-year-old middle school principal from Illinois; Texan tax accountant Daniel, twenty-seven; twenty-four-year-old California rocket scientist Dave, who waves at Peachy; twenty-three-year-old Maryland model Ryan; and thirty-three-year-old D.C. restaurant designer, Matthew. Rob looks like Chandler's weird roommate, who was also one of the friends in A Beautiful Mind. ["Adam Goldberg." -- Wing Chun] Later, we'll find out that he acts like him as well. ["Hey! Adam Goldberg only pretends to acts like that!" -- Wing Chun] Daniel tells us in an earnest interview that the men were really "pumped up" because "there is no way that women are gonna beat [them] in anything...physically, mentally, in whatever." How about that baby-birthing, Daniel? How about that? In any case, he insists that his tribe is never going to Tribal Council. The men -- obviously indiscreet in their collective chauvinism -- manage to piss off Jenna, who calls their cockiness annoying, and tells us in an interview that she wants to beat them just to shut them up.

Peachy manages to stop the hugging long enough to tell the S16 a story about the naming of the Amazon. Blah blah blah macho Spanish explorer. Blah blah blah "very fierce, very courageous female warriors." Blah blah blah "women only," and blah blah "first notion that women could survive just fine on their own." This last part elicits clapping and hooting from the women, because being talked down to is fun! In any case, this is where the term "Amazon women" originated, and Peachy thinks it's fitting, then, to have the inaugural tribal division by gender. Peachy announces that the women will be called Jaburu, after a bird, and the men will be called Tamaqui, after a fish. He tosses them their buffs and maps, and promises them some "very meager supplies" at their new home. He tells them which direction to head, and advises them to look for the flags. He then yells, "Shove off!" which is a phrase I'm sure they've all heard before if they're anything like the prior competitors on this show.

The men quickly untie themselves and are on their way, while Shawna fumbles with the knot securing Jaburu's boat and finds far less success. While her tribemates sit around not bothering to help, she eventually works it out while she explains in a voice-over that her "brain was so jumpy" that she couldn't even untie the boat, which made her feel stupid.

We join the men as they paddle along, and Roger can't let three minutes go by without issuing an order. He calls for their attention, and worries that they'll have light for only five more hours or so. In an interview Ryan tells us that as soon as the tribes were named, his strategy went out the window. He thinks it sucks that he had a workable game plan and got thrown the hitch of a "sausage-fest" all-male tribe.

In the women's boat, someone asks how Janet is, and she responds that she's nervous, but trained in medical emergencies, which wins their applause. Considering that monkey poop is likely to win their applause, that's no big deal. In an interview Jenna tells us that being stranded in the jungle with seven other women is her worst nightmare. She complains that she can't use any of her "womanly powers on women" because women find that kind of thing insulting. Men, however, are much more easily manipulated.

The men, meanwhile, have spotted their beach. They have very pretty blue-colored buffs, but I'm sure they're less about the pretty part and more about the blue. Because they're men! And men wear blue! The producers should have given them pink buffs just to make them squirm. Dave tells us in an interview that the men made a beeline for the shore and were excited to start making camp by building the shelter and working on the fire. They discover their crateful of meager rations, which has a hatchet-like tool stuck in its lid. They all insist -- Survivor-style -- on putting one hand on the handle and doing a cheer, and Daniel is already on my nerves for no real reason except that he seems hyper-aware of the cameras. They debate how to use the hatchet-like tool, while Dave announces the need for the tribe to "capitalize" on being "men of pride, men of honor, whatnot," and the fact that "right now, baby, we're the favorites right now!" He says that they are "straight up" more physically adept than the Jaburu tribe, and Rob interrupts to say that they'll look like the "biggest ass ever" if they go home first. A big, collective, eight-faced, one-assed organism. Kind of like something out of South Park. It's quite a visual. Ryan insists that they're not going to lose, because they can't lose. In an interview, he tells us the bottom line is that the women are just "eye candy." He appreciates that they're great to look at and adds, "Thank you for wearin' bikinis." He announces that if they lose to the girls, it will be really rough. The men finally get the crate opened and immediately fixate on the machetes it contains. Butch -- ever the school principal -- orders them to be careful with them. In an interview, Roger tells us that the crate included five gallons of fresh water, fish hooks and line, kerosene, two lanterns, and a flint. Alex informs us that they also got a "mystery box," and a note which advised them to not open it an expected key appears. There's also some bright yellow material, which Alex explains is "manioc flour." He claims that it's got a lot of nutritional value, as well as lots of carbohydrates to keep them going. Someone in the group says something about "fatties," and Roger wants them all to huddle up for a "group hug." To their credit, the other men appear to ignore that suggestion, and instead continue eagerly strapping on their machetes. Rob announces, "This is so cool. My parents would never let me have a machete!" Hee.

The women, too, have spotted their tribal flag -- which, to the producers' credit, is not pink. Heidi tells us that she was excited to be there, and then the girls debate where to go ashore. Shawna -- who's not been all that exemplary with the ropes so far -- ties them off. High-fiving ensues, but Christy interrupts their revelry to tell them something. She insists that it's not a big deal, but that there's something the others should know: she's deaf, and wants to keep it from the other tribe. She explains that she wears a hearing aid in one ear and has no hearing in the other at all, but she does read lips. In an interview, Janet tells us that the tribemates were surprised, and that Christy asked them to speak slowly and look at her directly when they talk so that she can read their lips. Christy then confesses that she didn't hear any of their talk on the boat, like their names, where they lived, and their professions. The women reintroduce themselves and shake hands with her. In an interview, Christy explains that although it might have been the wrong time to share the news, she couldn't keep it to herself anymore. Jenna then tells us that she doesn't know how Christy will be able to work with the group if she can't hear well, and she doesn't know how that will work out. Good to know they picked such open-minded people this time around. Deena promises Christy that they won't "tell the boys," and as we go to commercial Christy dramatically ties her hair back in a slow-motion shot.

We rejoin Tambaqui still on Day 1. The men all talk at once as they debate their move. Butch gently tries to take the lead, and points out that no one wants to assume the role of leader because they're all afraid of being voted off first. He acknowledges that it's ironic that he's stepping up. He suggests that they spread out and regroup to exchange ideas. In an interview, Rob tells us, "Maybe you think you meet a guy named Butch from Illinois that's a redneck, you think he's not that sharp; God, he is." He eagerly says he likes Butch a lot. , Alex explains that the tribe found a great spot for the camp on a sloped higher ground so the water won't pool. Roger -- obviously threatened by Butch's ability to lead without offending -- tries to take the lead, but with far less diplomacy. We see that the men have split up and are hacking and stomping at logs and branches with varying degrees of enthusiasm and success. Ryan says, "It's all good in the neighborhood," and Dave adds, "It's all gravy, baby!" Rob tries to join in but misses egregiously: "I think I missed my calling in life as a lumberjack!" Hee again. I think a favorite is emerging. Roger asks the others to confirm that a can contains kerosene because his "smeller's gone." They indulge him and confirm that it is indeed kerosene. Dave tells us that starting the fire was easy with kerosene and a flint. He says that they had no problems at all making the fire as we see shots of them all bumping hands to make sure the camera catches them having a part in the tribe's success.

Jaburu, meanwhile, is not faring so well, and appear mostly to be using clumps of wet leaves to get the fire going. We see many, many shots of them trying to ignite it, before Shawna tells us in an interview that it was an "absolute fiasco." She explains that "the process was get the little fire goin', put on some leaves, some other small stuff, put on little sticks, put on bigger stuff, put on big logs." That's quite a process! We then see the women squealing because the fire is going out. Shawna tells us that no part of their plan happened, and that the situation was ridiculous. She credits it to "lack of fire-building skills." ["Well, in their defense, they were all drafted to be on the show based on their Social Security numbers and got on a plane the day they found out they'd been cast, so it's not like any of them had a chance to practise building fires before they landed in the Amazon. NOT. I really cannot express how much it annoys me when these idiots show up on the show not having mastered this very basic skill ahead of time. And this season, they even have a damn flint! USELESS!" -- Wing Chun] Deena calls a tribe meeting, and clearly she'll be early go because she seriously hurts their chances of getting a Playboy spread. She tells the group that they need to decide what's important on their first night in "this bug-infested, fly-infested, wasp-infested area." Wasps? I'd be so out of there. Shawna makes a squinched up face before Heidi responds, "For me, it is something to sleep on." Deena wants to know how exactly she expects to do that, and Heidi seductively caresses her breast. Actually, she scratches herself, but male fantasies everywhere are equally indulged. In an interview, Heidi complains that Deena has a bossy side, and claims that if the others came up with a good idea, she would neg it. Deena complains that she doesn't want to sleep on the ground, and Shawna quietly suggests that they divide their efforts between fire and shelter. Just as we saw shots of the men effectively chopping wood, we see shots of the women ineffectually doing so. Their machetes get stuck, logs nearly fall on their heads -- it's not pretty. Jeanne tells us it's all okay because they're "Amazon women" and they'll make it, which isn't so promising from a woman who couldn't climb down a net. She insists that they'll kick the guys' butts.

We rejoin Tambaqui, where they've already built a bed out of thatched leaves, and are busy convincing themselves that it's actually comfortable. Since Butch has a ready-made, seated audience, he takes the stage and decides it's time to reveal his luxury item. He's more preaching then talking, and surprisingly, none of the men seems annoyed. He reveals that he's "in the kid business," which is a nave if not downright stupid phrase, in this era of Michael Jackson. He walks and points as he says that he deals with five hundred middle schoolers every day and has kids who, unlike the S16, aren't dreamers and have no goals. He explains that he brought along his school's banner which proclaims, "Believe in yourself." In an interview, Dave tells us that this was a "fantastic luxury item," and a "fabulous motto." He proclaims it "somethin' to really think about." The men cheer for themselves and their new motto, and then Butch points out that the banner can also be used to cover their wood when it rains. Rob -- who appears to have newly purple hair in this interview -- tells us that the members of his tribe have gotten along very well so far, but he imagines the women are having a difficult time. He says that the Tambaqui tribe has expert fishermen, but haven't yet caught anything. He says the women never imagined they'd be doing this "on estrogen alone over there in the, uh, camp of the vagina monologue," and I wonder how long he'd been waiting to use that one. In night-vision, the tribe members congratulate themselves for being "light years ahead" of their competitors, and agree that the women can't even be halfway as successful as they've been. Roger exclaims that he "just can't see it!"

A snake slithers along as the women finally get their fire started. Deena tells us in an interview that it took them five or six hours to start the fire and cut four logs. They also lit the kerosene so it wouldn't be so dark outside. We see a jumpy spider nearby, as Deena adds that they huddled for warmth and proceeded to have a "major bagfest on the boy team." More specifically, they're talking about "how [the men] get off." One of the women points out that the men were sad when the tribes were divided by gender because they "wanted to look at [Heidi's] hooters all day." In an interview, Christy tells us that her ability to communicate shuts down as soon as its gets dark. We see her sitting in the group and shaking her head in an attempt to look like she's following the conversation. She tells us that it was hard to be in a group of girls who wanted to talk non-stop, and that she missed out on a lot of information. As the women debate whether to eat or make shelter, we return to Christy, who is breaking down in an interview. She tells us that she is trying to get along with the group and be like them, but cries, "I could never be like them 'cause I'm not! Always totally different! Always have been! It's okay. It happens every time!" She whines that she's at a disadvantage, and as we return to the chatty group, someone asks whether Christy is asleep and they all agree that she is, even though the camera pans over to show her lying there with her eyes clearly wide open. We know she's deaf, but are all the others blind?

And it's time for a signature Survivor sunrise, although this one is surprisingly not accompanied by racing clouds. It's Day 2 at Jaburu, and the tribe is waking up. Jenna voice-overs that the "Amazon women tribe" is not doing very well -- they slept on the ground, which she claims is "the #1 rule not to do in the jungle." I'd have thought that was like the #59 rule behind things like sticking your hand in the mouth of a crocodile, and eating monkey feces, but I guess it's all a matter of priorities. She adds that they had bugs crawling all over them, and something was always biting her or crawling in her pants. Is she sure that Ted from last season wasn't just dropping by? Deena complains that a bug flew up her nose, and one of the women dryly responds, "Yeah, I saw that." Hee. Janet tells us in an interview that there were leeches and spiders around the camp, and they all got bit. They discover a tarantula by their food, and Jenna concludes that it must have been crawling on them while they slept. In response to their poking and prodding, the spider crawls deeper into the food container. They all conspire as to how best to get rid of it, and jab at it with their machetes. In an interview, Christy giggles over the fact that they slept on the ground and adds, "Makes you wonder what went in your mouth." Deena tells us they realized that the ground was cold, wet, miserable, and uncomfortable, so they decided to do something about making a shelter. They head out looking for supplies, and realize that Heidi is missing. This revelation is accompanied for some bizarre reason by a dramatic gong sound. Then Heidi arrives and they all head off together, Christy remaining behind. In an interview, she tells us that the others decided to have "this mission or whatever," and she wondered what was going on. She says she volunteered to remain behind and stay with the fire, but then wondered why no one cared that she was there all alone. Maybe because she volunteered. In an interview, Heidi tells us that she hasn't bothered to get to know Christy or to bond with her "just because of the communication barrier." She thinks that if you can't understand people, it's a real liability. Just the kind of teacher I'd want for my children. Christy tells us again that this kind of experience is not new for her, because deaf people go through this kind of thing on a daily basis. Still, she doesn't want it to become a daily issue because then the others will wonder why they're even keeping her around. She's still trying to figure the other women out.

The camera-shy crocodile makes an appearance, popping up another suspicious eye. Magilla -- with a new spiky 'do -- hovers around the Tambaqui tribe. The men are debating how to build the shelter while a manic Roger orders them around. Rob complains in an interview about Roger's bossiness, but insists that he knows how to play the game: "Yes, Roger. Yes, Roger. Sure, Roger." He just does whatever Roger tells him to do, and it doesn't bother him very much. Roger, however, is bothered by Daniel and Ryan who, he complains, just stand around failing to contribute. He says that he asked them to collect some vines, and it was like pulling teeth. We see Ryan and Daniel struggling unsuccessfully to pull a root from the ground, while Roger shakes his head in dismay. Alex tells us in an interview that they built a "post-modern survival shelter," with "a little trapezoid action goin' on" and several different planes. I'd say it's more "burrow" than "post-modern survival shelter," but maybe that's just me. Alex concludes, "I think -- I'm relatively sure Home and Garden is gonna come and shoot us later on." For all their big talk, the men are definitely obsessed with what the ladies are up to. Matthew can't imagine the girls "dismantling the jungle" like they did, and in an interview, Rob tells us that he doesn't think the women are working well together, and that their shelter can't be as good: "I see them crying, panicking, tryin' to build a cell phone so they can call their boyfriends to come over and help them build a shelter." He supposes that they might have three sticks put together, and, by Deena's count, he's one stick short. We see the "Believe in Yourself" sign, and the men once again cheer themselves.

And incidentally, just when I got used to the kooky spellings of names like "Robb," and "Rodger," we get castmates with those names spelled normally? That's the real "shocking twist."

We return to Jaburu, where the girls are struggling with their four sticks. Jeanne whines that she thought someone in the tribe would step up as a leader, and she's embarrassed that no one did. Heidi perches horizontally across some planks of wood with no head support, proposing it as their new sleeping place while the others look on, flummoxed. Jeanne continues telling us that they're dehydrated and that no one went to the bathroom yesterday. Deena is likely disappointed that there's been no communal girl-on-girl peeing yet. Jeanne concludes, "People are gonna start gettin' down!" The disco lights and the smoke machine are coming up any minute now.

Deena sharpens machetes while Jenna stirs a pot full of buffs and underwear and voice-overs that they were being swarmed by flies because they stank. In an interview, she tells us that clean underwear is a priority because "things can live on you...especially in the area 'cause it's dark." ["She must be some kind of scientician." -- Wing Chun] We see Jenna carefully hanging up their attire, while Deena voice-overs that the tribe is having trouble prioritizing. She explains that while she's thinking about shelter, the others are thinking, "It's time to wash my buff now." The tribe appears to have divided itself between the dirty- and the clean-underweared. Janet, Deena, and Christy stand around the pot of boiling water, and conclude that clean buffs are definitely not the priority. As we go to commercial, Jenna continues carefully ministering to the pot of panties and buffs.

Now Jenna, Janet, and Heidi are heading off on a fishing trip. Jenna tells us that Janet was very sick and not feeling well. Janet moans that she's about to pass out and doesn't think she's going to make it on the trip because it's too far. Jenna gestures dismissively at the flour, claiming they won't be able to live on it. As Heidi and Jenna paddle, Janet just sits in the boat behind them. Jenna complains in an interview that Janet didn't help and was worried about paddling too far out because she didn't want to paddle back. Even though she's not actually doing any of the paddling. Jenna says they all have ups and downs, but Janet is "mostly down." She thinks it will hurt her if they lose the challenge. Back in the boat, Janet tells the other women that she's "had it," and she "can't do this anymore." She then voice-overs that she's hit rock bottom as the girls realize that they've caught a leaf. Janet tells us that the hardest part of the experience is its brutality. She knew it would be "difficult, but not brutal." As Janet breaks down to the others, Jenna asks whether the hunger or sickness is affecting her the most, and Heidi cuts in to encourage Jenna to think about how bad she herself feels, without the sickness. Janet perks up to comment that they're twenty years younger than she. (Try thirty.) She tells us in an interview that she could throw up at any minute, and she's never in her life been so physically exhausted. She doesn't know if she could do a challenge right now.

We join Tambaqui, where the camera zooms in on a Magic 8-Ball. Rob announces that he's donating it to the good of the tribe, Butch makes a series of bizarre air-scrubbing motions. Rob explains that the Magic 8-Ball is a good luxury item because "one thing you may or may not know is that...it really works." He shakes his head and lowers his voice as he says this. Roger asks the toy if the tribe will win immunity, and Rob firmly interjects, "We do not ask the Magic 8-Ball questions like that!" In an interview, he tells us that his only rule was that no one could ask about the challenges. He explains that if the Magic 8-Ball says they will lose and they lose, "it'll freak us out," but if the Magic 8-Ball says they'll lose and they win, then "we'll know the Magic 8-Ball's a sham." He concludes, "So there's no point in asking questions like that." Rob grinningly tells us that most of the Magic 8-Ball talk centers around the women of the other tribe, particularly Shawna, Jenna, and Heidi. With this, we see slow-motion shots of the three women tossing their hair, adjusting their swimsuits, and rubbing wet cloths over themselves. All that's missing is the hot tub. Alex asks the Magic 8-Ball if "our boy Ryan [is] gonna get with -- gonna get a little something from Jenna?" Its response is "most likely," and Butch tries to look amused by this activity, considering the motto is "Believe in yourself," not "Believe in the Magic 8-Ball." Daniel runs gleefully over to Rob because he asked the 8-Ball if he would hook up with Shawna, and its response was "definitely." He makes Rob look at it, and then sneaks a glance at the camera to make sure they captured this special moment on film. Roger tells us in an interview that the young men spend their time talking about how good the women look. He says "the juice is flowin'" and that sex is all boys over the age of fifteen talk about. We see Rob ask the Magic 8-Ball if he'll hook up with Heidi, before he tells us in an interview that she's so hot "she could put Viagra out of business." Finally, Rob tells us, "There are spirits in this jungle and through the magic of the Magic 8-Ball, I can channel and harness those spirits."

At Jaburu, Jeanne tells us that she and Joanna went on a fishing excursion earlier that morning, but all they found was bait. Using the net, the only thing they were able to turn up was some "hard-shelled hornpout" that Joanna describes as "wicked pointy." Jeanne grimacingly adds that it has "sharpy spines all over it." They take turns unsuccessfully hacking at the fish while encouraging each other to "smash 'im." As Joanna pokes at it with her machete, she says, "I don't even think a fish would eat this fish." They start chanting over their inedible catch, and Joanna screams a worship to God. They then stop, look around, and realize that they left their oars behind. Luckily, they're able to float over and retrieve them, causing Joanna to say, "Thank you, Father." They then begin singing yet another cheer: "Jaburu! Jaburu! Everyone sing Jaburu!" Joanna continues to sing Gospel music, and Jeanne tells us that it was very motivating, and everyone feels Joanna's spirit. ["Aren't you supposed to be quiet when you fish?" -- Wing Chun] Joanna then tells us in an interview that they only found one small fish, but they were still proud of themselves. They return to camp and upon seeing their booty, the other members of the tribe look perplexed. Jeanne brags about how much protein the fish contains. Heidi insists that she prefers eating a small amount of bait to a large amount of mush before telling us in an interview that she was pretty sure there wouldn't be much left to it once it was cooked, but they'd still try. The tribe debates how to cook the fish, and Heidi reveals that they decided to use the edible massage oil brought along by Jeanne as her luxury item. They slice up the fish and each get a tiny piece of it, and Joanna thanks God for the opportunity to let them "come together like civilized women and eat like barbarian women." Jenna complains that she feels like she's eating vomit -- "that or some snot!" Still, she proclaims it "real good, though." The others appear to be drinking their fish morsel from leaves.

Zooming shots of scenery bring us to Tambaqui on Day 3 as they head for a treemail check and someone cracks a very lame, belated "You've got mail" joke. In an interview, Roger boasts that they're the "most macho guys that have ever been on Survivor." He says they're good-looking, macho, and confident, and if they lose to the women, they'll get ragged on. In a typically macho way, they decide to read the clue aloud together, but to his credit, Matthew refrains. The clue reads, "Working together from the start/ As time goes by you'll surely part/ Use balance, agility, and a bit of wit/ Be the one to fall short and tonight you could be it." They all groan and point as if the clue means something to them, and Daniel exclaims, "Balance and agility!" A twangy instrument closes out the scene.

We're spared Jaburu's reading of the clue, but we're not spared their team cheer before heading off to the challenge. Deena tells us that although she thinks the women will win a couple of challenges, it's likely the men will dominate based on strength alone. As they walk, Heidi announces that she can handle the agility, but she's not sure about the balancing. Because, after all, she asks, who is really good at balancing? Jenna tells us in an interview that if it's a physical challenge, Heidi "needs to show 'em her boobs." ["Thanks for weighing in, jackass." -- Wing Chun]

The girls arrive at the challenge and stare at Peachy. The boys arrive at the challenge and stare at the girls. Seriously, someone needs to hold Rob back, because he's about three seconds away from humping Heidi's leg. Peachy asks the men how they're doing, and they compete to be the most enthusiastic in proclaiming their fantastic status. They go all Danny Zuko at the bonfire when his friend catch him with Sandy, all "Oh that's cool, baby. You know how it is, rockin' an' rollin' an' what not." And the girls are all, "Eat your heart out," and "Tell me about it, stud." All that's missing is a stiletto on a cigarette butt. The men insist that they've caught lots of fish, but the women don't believe them. They're quick to say, however, that they ate their very own fish that morning. The men don't believe them either, and Daniel adds, "Look at how skinny they are!" Score a point for Daniel with the ladies!

Peachy passes around the idol for the women to touch, adding, "Joanna, did you get that?" And if that's not a shout-out, I don't know what is. The men get to lay hands on the idol, as well. Peachy explains that they want the idol more than anything else in the jungle, which isn't the case for most of the men given that Shawna, Heidi, and Jenna are in the vicinity. Peachy assures them that the first Tribal Council will happen tonight, and that the first challenge is a "doozy" and involves a lot of elements. First, the entire tribe will be chained together and navigate a "toughnut," which is a fancy word for "bunch of wooden stakes," to reach a key on the other side which will unlock them into two groups of four. , they will compete to solve a puzzle using a number-and-letter dial. The solution will reveal a second key, which will break each tribe into four groups of two. A balance beam follows, at the end of which awaits another key. If the pairs fall off the balance beam or touch the ground, they'll have to start again. After completing the balance-beam leg, another key will release them from their pairings, and yet another puzzle is . After solving the puzzle and retrieving another key, one member of the tribe will "unlock the flying fox," zip down a line, and unlock a final key. He/she will then unlock a gate restraining their other tribemates, who will then race as a group to the finish line, where the lamest-looking immunity idol ever awaits them. Seriously, it appears to be a potato sack.

Roger leads the way for the men, and Shawna for the women. They navigate the toughnut equally, but the men are able to retrieve their key with more ease than the women. Christy, Deena, and Jenna run while holding hands, which can't make it any easier, and Joanna is practically carrying the flailing Janet under one arm. Both tribes unlock themselves into two groups of four.

In the first puzzle, Roger is still leading the men, and Deena appears to be leading the women. The men decode the puzzle first, open the trunk, and unearth a key, splitting into pairs and heading off for the balance beam. While the men navigate the beam with varying degrees of ease, Peachy encourages the ladies not to quit. Roger and Alex, the first pair, navigate the beam on foot, but the others sit and scoot along on their crotches. Talk about a toughnut! The men continue to make it across the beam, while the women continue to flail at the puzzle. Finally, just Daniel and Ryan -- who are having more than a little difficulty with the beam -- remain for the men, and the women decode their puzzle, causing Peachy to exclaim, "Guys, you're blowin' your lead!" We see Daniel and Ryan make it all the way to the end of the beam when Daniel puts his feet down prematurely and is forced, along with Ryan, back to the beginning again. Peachy yells, "No, no, no!" and sends them back once again. Ryan tries to take control of the situation, ordering Daniel to his feet before trying again. The women, meanwhile, have quietly edged past them, causing Peachy to yell, "It is official, guys: you've lost your lead!" Finally, Ryan makes it across and turns to nearly drag Daniel off the beam. Daniel somehow manages to somersault off the end. Now the tribes are dead even again, fully unlocked, and puzzling again. The women finish the word puzzle first, and Heidi scrambles up a jungle gym-type wooden thing -- nearly wiping out but saving herself -- while Peachy yells, "Come on, guys! We got a rocket scientist and a computer guy stuck on a puzzle!" Heidi is now on the zipline, which has no net and no safety cords and therefore looks a little dangerous to me. She zips down, grabs the key, sprints to the cage, and unlocks her tribemates. They cross the finish line, shrieking like the bunch of girls that they are. Then men are released from their cage shortly afterward, and to their credit hustle to the finish line. Peachy congratulates the celebrating women and then turns to tell the men that they blew their big lead and will now have to vote someone out.

As the victorious Jaburu tribe returns from the challenge, Heidi tells us that they came from behind to kick butt; even Janet is feeling much better now. The group discusses how Shawna set at great pace for them from the beginning, and Jenna busts on the boys for mimicking them at every stage of the challenge. She wondered, "Is there an echo in the jungle?" Heidi proudly tells us in an interview that they realized they could perform as well as or even better than the men.

Butch tells us, as the men lethargically arrive back at camp, that they went into it "maybe a little cocky," thinking there was no way eight girls could have beaten eight macho men. When did "macho" become a positive word, anyway? Matthew looks surly as he asks, "Do you think those chicks really caught a fish?" and then Butch continues telling us that their loss could be attributed to "eight guys believin' in themselves a little too much." So clearly the banner should read, "Believe in yourself, just not too much." In an interview, Rob gives the girls credit for their efforts, claiming the situation is "Billie Jean King vs. Bobby Riggs for a new millennium." Dave asks the group for their silence because he needs to "express [him]self" about something that pissed him off. He tells them that they performed like "cocky assholes," and their false boasting about catching fish was the problem. He accuses them of bringing him down with their "bullshit," and says, "I got character and I got integrity." He doesn't care if the other team is women or men, but they shouldn't be lied to. ["You're putting a giant target on your ass, pal, but still: Go, Dave!" -- Wing Chun] In an interview, Daniel tells us that Dave is too serious and that the incident was not a big deal. He wants to know who Dave thinks he is, anyway. Dave tells them that the time Peachy asks them how many fish they caught, they should not respond, "Many, many, many fish," and instead should honestly answer, "No, we haven't found anything." In an interview, Rob parrots that Dave is a "stand-up guy" with a lot of honesty and integrity. It's great for Rob, however, who tells us he's going to lie and cheat and do whatever it takes to win, which he thinks will work against Dave. ["Shut up, Josh." -- Wing Chun]

Alex steps forth to bop fists with Dave and agree that their boastful behavior didn't make sense. Ryan speaks up and apologizes for his mistakes in the balance-beam leg of the challenge. In an interview, he tells us that when he first looked at the course, he thought they had it in the bag, but "the most athletic, biggest guy would turn out to be just a meathead, you know?" He blames Daniel for falling off the log three times and complains, "Now I'm the one with my ass on the stove." While Dave hacks at a log, Roger insists that Ryan should be the first member of the tribe to go. Dave laughs in response before telling us in an interview that he won't vote Ryan off because they're from the same hometown. Daniel, however, doesn't help or get involved, and Dave concludes, "He's not really doin' it for me right now." We then see Daniel telling Ryan that Dave has it out for him, but Ryan thinks it doesn't matter. He claims to like the tribe, but what he doesn't like is "kissin' Roger's ass." Daniel is quick to agree with him. Matthew explains that there's a lot of friction between Ryan and Roger; he says that this tension has built up and is now culminating in a face-off. Ryan approaches Matthew about taking Roger out in order to move forward. Matthew agrees to go along with it, and Ryan makes him repeat Roger's name just in case he forgets it. In an interview, Ryan tells us that he has no choice but to go for Roger because Roger is going for him. Ryan moves on to Rob, telling him that with his vote, they'll have a block of four. In an interview, Rob says that Ryan is fun, but loud, abrasive, and extremely self-centered. Ryan and Rob strike a deal, with Rob claiming that it's "game, set, match." They part in different directions with Ryan looking particularly cocky before realizing that he's headed the wrong way and turning around. In an interview, Rob tells us that Ryan is focused only on himself and not on the team, but Roger is so bossy. Roger, meanwhile, is not going quietly. We see him call Butch, Rob, and Dave together about getting rid of Daniel and Ryan. Rob tells us in an interview that he has been approached by both Roger and Ryan about joining their side, and he agreed with both of them. He tells us it's one or the other; they both have their positives, and he's going to see "which way it clears out."

We come to yet another fancy-ass Tribal Council. This one even has a doorway, in which Peachy jauntily awaits the Tambaqui. As they light their torches, Peachy gives the usual shtick about the importance of fire using about fifteen different metaphors and similes. He then guesses that losing the day's challenge has been "humbling" for them. Roger responds that he thought they'd be beat in mental challenges, but that losing in the physical challenge was a surprise. Peachy snits, "No! They beat you all around!" Roger laughingly concedes. Peachy calls out Daniel, who admits to having made a mistake in being so cocky; he takes responsibility for losing the challenge. Peachy points out that Ryan didn't perform any better than Daniel did, who responds that "the girls maybe have won the battle, but they haven't won the war." Peachy asks Alex if it's particularly difficult to have lost after being so cocky, and Alex credits the problem to being "gung ho guys." He says that -- much as Rob and Daniel would literally like to see it happen -- "the girls are not gonna just roll over," and instead will work even harder to beat the men. Still, he thinks the loss comes down only to one "bad day."

Peachy then turns the discussion to what's clearly the most important thing: the hotties on the other tribe. Ryan thinks that each of the women has unique characteristics, while "some are physically unique." When it's all said and done, he claims, none of the women is worth a million dollars. Daniel pipes up, "I think Shawna's pretty damn hot." He skeeves me out in citing her "great body." It's like this guy has the emotional development of a twelve-year-old. Ryan makes a strange facial expression in response. Daniel adds that if Shawna didn't shower for three days, his opinion of her might change. So clearly it's good that she's been washing her underwear, so Daniel won't have to change his little-boy fantasy. Dave says that Shawna wore a ski mask, which he thought was "bad-ass." I didn't notice any ski mask, so I'm a bit confused. Despite Shawna's hotness in the ski mask, Dave swears by the saying, "the quarterback doesn't screw the cheerleader at halftime." The quarterback might not, but the waterboy would if given the opportunity. Alex also agrees that Shawna is a hottie, as does Rob, who adds that he thinks Heidi is the hottest. Ryan raises his hand to add, "He loves that girl!" while Rob thinks that "love" is a strong word considering they've never even spoken to each other. Peachy points out that they've spent a lot of time trash-talking the girls' tribe and got their asses kicked, but in the end it's still all about "I wanna hook up." He concludes with the ominous "That's why you guys could be in serious trouble."

It's time for the vote, and Roger is first. We don't see what name he writes down, but we can guess it's "Ryan." Matthew is irritated by Roger's constant advice-giving, and votes for him. Ryan also votes for Roger with the words, "My advice to you is don't hunt what you can't kill." Except he pronounces "hunt" like "haunt" and confuses me. Butch votes for Ryan who he thinks is a "pretty good boy, but the only problem is you're still a boy." He says that "silence is golden," which is Principal for "shut the fuck up." Dave votes for Daniel because he didn't like his bad attitude at the immunity challenge and how it reflected on the tribe.

That's all we see, and Peachy's off to tally. He returns with a nondescript urn; the producers have really cut back this season what with the beat-up immunity idol and the plain urn. The first vote is for Ryan, followed by a vote for Roger, and then by a vote for Daniel. A second vote follows for Roger, followed by a second vote for Ryan, then a third for Ryan and a third for Roger. Strange how that worked out so nicely! We're tied at 3-3, and the last vote comes up for Ryan. His mouth hangs open and Rob appears to be stifling a grin. So Ryan heads back to Maryland as Peachy lectures the remainder of the tribe that they have a bigger problem than their cockiness and arrogance: the fact that this is "clearly a tribe divided," thus officially kicking the season off with his usual smarmy smugness.

week on Survivor, it rains, and the men stay dry while the women get drenched. More importantly, someone smuggled in a granola bar!

As the credits close, we see that Roger, Alex, Rob, and Butch voted for Ryan, while Matthew, Ryan, and Daniel voted for Roger. As we saw, Dave's was the solitary vote for Daniel. Ryan tells us that he went into the show expecting the biggest challenge of his life, which was exactly what he got. He learned a lot about making shelter, but even more about how he perceives others and how they perceive him. He wears a strange fake smile throughout this interview. He thought he'd be mad, but he's not. Still, he kind of looks mad, even though he's trying to hide it. Ryan says he has a good perspective now and wishes the winner the best. He had fun and he'll see them soon. He adds, "God bless you" with malicious eyes. Pretty blue eyes, maybe, but malicious all the same.