Slip Through Your Fingers

We open the episode with shots of islands, walking feet, a tower, more islands, waves, and more islands. As we see the perfectly encapsulating footage of the S16 ducking under a Thai stranger's back-yard clothesline, Peachy voice-overs that thirty-six days ago, sixteen Americans began "the adventure of a lifetime" in Thailand by journeying to a former prison camp and haven for pirates. Thus begins the longest and most random "previously" ever. We see footage of Peachy announcing that they will choose their own tribes, followed by reaction shots of Tanya fixing her bathing suit while Shii Devil clutches her hat in exaggerated surprise. Jan practices her golf swing, while Grindia is happy to get picked. Ted tells us that "if [we] will," Chuay Gahn ended up a tribe of older people. Peachy voice-overs that they seemed like the underdogs, but that Sook Jai had difficulties bonding as a tribe. We see Shii Devil refuse to show Robb her hands and Jed taking Brian out beyond the allowed "attack zone" in the best challenge ever. So Chuay Gahn proved to be strong competitors, and Clay proved to have obscenely erect nipples. Then Ted started grinding on Grindia, and he wasn't even attracted to her! Robb got sucked underwater after getting stung by a sea creature, and acted like a whiny little baby, balled up fists and all. Then, Helen made a case for gun control. Later, tribes and individuals went on trips; Shii Devil was excited to partake in the land's culture, and Clay had no words to describe its beauty. Robb wasn't "fuckin' stupid," and Ken called him a good man before voting his epiphanied ass out. Peachy explains that no matter what went down at camp, Tribal Council loomed. Three members from each tribe were voted out in the first eighteen days.

Then, Peachy details the merge-that-wasn't. Because he certainly didn't say anything to give them that impression, did he? Shii Devil's head did a 180, and then she said "tribe unified" lots of times and called Penny "manipoolative." Penny responded that she'd had plenty of opportunities to vote out Shii Devil, but hadn't acted on that opportunity. Until now. So Sook Jai lost a member and ended up with the numerical disadvantage. Also, Chuay Gahn pissed in their cave; Jake needed to leave when Helen talked about "that recipe stuff; Magilla snarfed down their bananas; and Sook Jai voted off Erin. Then followed a true merge, which resulted in the gong-studded snuffing of the remaining Sook Jais. Then came the time to vote out one of Chuay Gahn's own, and Clay lay in boredom in the foreground of the camera shot while Ted drew a devil in the sand and called him a "comical character." Ted won a car and did a semi-somersault in the sand, before bringing Helen along for dinner and a massage, during which he said, "Yeah, dawg!" and forgot where he was in his drunken machinations. Back at camp, the rest of the tribe members were nervous about Ted and Helen's friendship, but not, apparently, about the fact that Ted and Helen were suddenly capable of walking on water. Helen told Brian that she "'yeah yeah yeah'ed [Ted] to death," and then Brian strutted his way to an immunity-challenge win. Ted "felt the sting of betrayal," in his unanimous voting out. Now, only four remain. Two will face the jury; one will become "the sole Survivor."

Finally we're to the current episode, and Chuay Jai returns from Tribal Council on Night 36. They're not really Chuay Jai at this point, having reverted two weeks back to Chuay Gahn, but I'll indulge Mark Burnett. Clay is amazed that Ted "didn't have too much to say on the way out, did he?" and then points out that only four torches remain. In an interview, Jan tells us that the last immunity challenge was harder than usual because it was the start of the demise of the last of the Chuay Gahns; she says it was the "beginning of the realization" that they'll all eventually go except one. As ominous night-vision shots follow, Brian lights the fire and Jan announces, "Let there be light!" Clay tells us in a leaf-obscured interview that although the others all knew the pecking order, it was a total shock to Ted. They constantly told him Jan was going: "There ain't no tellin' what went through his mind when he saw his name pop up three times." Helen is sure that Ted was furious over the vote, but Clay and Brian are defensive about the move and insist that there's no hard feelings and they did what they had to do in keeping with the game. Helen yawns. Jan picks her teeth. Brian assumes a strange pose in front of the fire. In an interview, Helen says it's cutthroat at this point in the game, and that she expects the few days to be extremely stressful. Brian is amazed at how much the term "Final Four" sounds like a "basketball tournament," and Jan thinks it's funny that she had the same thought.

We see a sunlit, funky-looking rock formation on Day 37, and a bird bobs its head and flies away. The tribe rounds a corner and Helen "Oh my gosh"es that Santa Claus came. The camera pans over to reveal bucketfuls of flowers and some labeled name placards. Helen reads the very, very long clue, which will not be transcribed here, because the recap for a two-hour episode will already be long enough. The clue reveals that Thais decorate lotus-shaped boats in celebrations to commemorate people with whom they have shared gifts. The clue reminds them that there are twelve "fallen Survivors," all of whom "deserve to be memorialized," and that the S4 should give each krathong the "care and respect [the booted contestants] deserve." And while that clue suggests that every float should get the same degree of consideration, it could be more fittingly interpreted to suggest that some deserve more than others, in which case Robb's would likely end up with a single leaf and a monkey turd. The clue ends by revealing that the S4 will later receive instructions regarding how to offer the gifts to the sea.

As they head back to camp with the decorations, Clay explains in an interview that they're supposed to "fix up a float" for each person who was kicked off. He says, "There's some kind of tradition in Thailand about settin' somethin' out to, to sea -- you know, a message out of love and hope and good luck and the future -- I think it's, it's what it's all about." Back at camp, the tribe examines the goods and Clay enthuses, "We got a job to do, people!" Helen finds a sample krathong, and Clay is happy that he has tweezers while Jan says, "I need toenail clippers...fast!" Brian, meanwhile, has located toothpicks, which he and Helen are particularly excited about. Toothpicking ensues. We also see that they received some pretty, pearl-headed pins; it is apparently extremely important to the editors that we see this. The S4 decide to set themselves up as an "assembly line," and seem particularly impressed by Clay's efforts. He voice-overs that he tried to fit the personalities of each of the competitors into each little float. Jan drawls that since Erin intended to get a lotus tattoo on her foot, she should get the sole lotus flower. In an interview, Jan tells us that the game forces sixteen people -- who may or may not "genuinely dislike" each other -- to get along. She says, "Even if you had someone's wreath that you weren't particularly crazy about, you still made it good." Brian jokes that Clay is spending a lot of time on Grindia's float, and Clay responds, "I'm gonna stick your ass with a pin," instead of the more fitting "I'm gonna stick your ass in the eye with a pin." In any case, he seems to be taking the task very seriously, and adds that he's attending to her float because no one else will. We then see a shot of Grindia's pretty little krathong. Sounds kind of like a dirty word when you say it like that.

As we see Brian carelessly plunk flowers into a wreath, he tells us that all he can think is, "You've come a long way, baby." He then looks into the camera and pats himself on the back. Literally. He says that he's had to make some difficult decisions, but that he'd much rather be in his current position than looking at a wreath with his name on it. Insisting that it's a "business trip, strictly," he adds, "My attire is just beard and uh, uh, bathing suit out here, but I'm in business mode." Well, a beard and bathing suit is probably a step in the right direction from whatever "attire" porno professionals usually wear.

The tribe has now split along gender lines, and Clay tells Brian that they have to win immunity today. Brian says, "Okay," as if it's the matter of an easy decision, as opposed to a competition. Then again, considering what his competition consists of, maybe it is that simple. Brian tells Clay the best thing at this point is not to talk about it. As Helen and Jan navely coo over a red vase-like thing they've received in the treemail, we see Brian tell Clay that there's "no ifs ands or buts," and surprisingly Clay doesn't respond, "But I like the butts, Brian!" Instead, they shake on their agreement. Helen and Jan return to camp exclaiming over the treemail, and Clay unconvincingly exclaims, "Oh, great!" Jan orders them to dust off their "remaining brain cell," and Helen clarifies that she means, "'cell' not 'seal.'" The clue is about fools repeating mistakes and hindsight being 20/20. The S4 are advised to cash in on what they've learned so far in the game in order to get closer to the money. Brian says, "That's obvious. What it is." Helen agrees while Jan nods behind her. Clay asks, "What?" which is then followed by a long, uncomfortable pause during which Helen and Brian both confirm that they're ass-talkers until Jan responds, "What we learned. Here." Clay says, "Oh, okay, yeah." Because that explanation really cleared it up for him.

Brian responds by revealing that Jan told him about the scheme between Ted and Helen. On the jury, Ted feigns surprise. Brian says he knows about the plotting in the sand, and he was extremely surprised to learn of Helen's betrayal. He was hurt because they'd had a friendship, and she'd "misused that trust." He points out that she schemed against him first, and Helen refutes this by saying that she had told him if she ever planned to vote against him, she'd tell him first, and she didn't tell him anything because she hadn't changed her mind. This statement involves lots of pointing and head-shaking leading up to Helen's dramatic "Your name was never on my ballot!" She asks again for a specific reason why Brian wasn't honest with her, and Brian responds, "Because of the knife that you put in my back through the, uh, what Jan told me." Helen cuts him off, gesticulating wildly and shouting, "Hearsay! Hearsay! Something that didn't come from me?" Brian insists that Jan saw and hard it, but Helen won't let him finish a statement, interjecting, "This is what you're going on? This is what you're going on? Hearsay. Mmmmmm. Hmmmmm. You didn't come to me and ask me?" She juts her neck out and open her eyes really wide. She may be signing along with these statements. Brian says he was hurt and admits to doing wrong, but insists that he felt betrayed and thought she would take him out . Helen won't give it up and continues going on about "decency" and then goes all A Few Good Men with the whole "code of silence" bit. Brian can't get a word in so Peachy orders Helen to let him finish. Brian explains that he was pissed at Helen and wanted her to learn it at the Tribal Council. He admits to acting out of anger, and to having been dishonest with her. ["Helen is dumb not to ask the obvious follow-up question: why Brian still believed her to have turned on him, even after she voted out her supposed co-conspirator, Ted." -- Wing Chun] Helen -- apparently tired of repeating herself over and over again to try to get an answer she'll never get because it doesn't exist -- moves on to "Part B: why should I vote for you tonight?" Brian says he made one mistake, and admits it. He apologizes again and takes "full responsibility" for the act. As Brian turns on the "charm," Helen visibly softens. He then adds the kicker: that he thought she was strong enough to threaten his chances of winning. She grins, makes a thoughtful face, and says, "It's a little late now...but."

As an afterthought, she turns to Clay and asks him to offer examples -- "three if [he] can" -- of how he contributed to the survival of his tribe. Clay says, "I, I did stuff every day. I did a little bit every day. That's all I have to say." Helen looks at Peachy in disbelief and says, "I asked for -- three reasons I wanted -- on a daily basis." Clay says that there's no answer in the world that will satisfy her, "so why try." And I don't blame him, after what she just put Brian through. Before completely absolving him, that is. Helen snits her way back to the bench, saving future misdirected venom for the reunion show.

Peachy advises the jury to take a minute and think about their decisions, while Clay and Brian look off dramatically into the distance. The cameras pan out to the blackness of the sea, and then we fade to commercial.

As we return from Tribal Council, the jury looks typically snickery. Peachy says for the umpteenth time that the ball is in their court, and reminds them that they're voting for someone this week, as opposed to against him. He further clarifies that Clay and Brian actually want to see their names on the night's ballots.

Erin votes first. She looks thoughtful, then writes down Clay's name. Sounding a little choked up, she explains that she feels Clay has been honest, and Brian hasn't. She wishes him luck, and I notice that she's left-handed, so she can't be all bad.

Ken grins, but we don't see his vote.

Ted holds his head high and votes for "B." He then launches into a diatribe against Brian, insisting that it would have been an easy decision but, "You messed up, bro. You messed up." He says that Brian assumed that the writing in the sand was a scheme against him; it was really against Clay. He says, "You need to check yourself." Brian needs to know that some people are committed to their word. Ted adds, "My word was my bond, and it's pitiful that you didn't know that." He concludes, "But you are the lesser of the two evils," clearing things up for those of us at home giggling because Ted appeared to have gotten the whole voting thing wrong.

We don't see Jake's vote. Clay and Brian look bored.

Penny votes. Gong! She has written Clay's name down with an underscore and an exclamation point. She says that, of the two finalists, only Clay took the time to get to know her. Again, because it's all about Penny.

We don't see Jan's vote, either. Clay and Brian still look bored.

Helen turns out not to need Brian's help making a fool of herself; she does perfectly fine on her own. After all of her indignant anger, she still proves that she's under Brian's thumb, throwing her vote his way, claiming, "What happened between you and I [sic] happened between you and I." She insists that as a "bigger person," she's capable of looking at the bigger scope of the game. She says Brian had a work ethic and excelled at the challenges. She concludes, "So for that, and your work ethic, and your sexy, sexy bod, you get my vote tonight." Except without the "sexy bod" part. Except she was so thinking it. She wishes Brian luck and hopes he wins.

So that's it for the jury, which seems smaller this season. Peachy's off to tally. The camera slowly pans around the outside of the Tribal Council hut, and by the time we get back to the S2, Clay's gained about forty pounds, and his beard has grown several inches. Brian looks pretty much the same, except for his beefy arms. A more chiseled Peachy announces that "it's been a long thirty-nine days, and it comes down to this." He's a little giggly through this statement, so I think it's some sort of inside joke about how much time has really passed. Peachy thanks the jury for their "very spirited" comments and questions, points out that the new Chevy Trailblazer is "not a bad truck," and snarks that "if Brian knew how to spell 'road trip,' he'd already own one." In addition to the truck, tonight's winner will also win the overrated title of "Sole Survivor," and the underrated million dollars. New Clay looks like he ate Old Clay.

Peachy explains that there are seven votes in total, so it will take four to win. The first vote is for Clay, which causes him to remove his hand from Brian's upper thigh. The second vote is for Brian, which causes him to put his hand on Clay's upper thigh. We alternate with the votes until the score is tied with three votes each. Peachy announces, "I'll read the last vote," as opposed to the far more unexpected "I'll now dance the Hokey Pokey." He unfolds the vote, stares at it, then dramatically turns it over to reveal Brian's name. The audience erupts, and the jury hugs him, but no family members converge upon the stage (what with the restraining orders and all). The camera pans back to reveal that we're now live at CBS Television City in Hollywood. We see that C.C. is approximately one hundred law-abiding yards away from Brian in the audience, seated to a distinguished-looking older gentleman, who may be Brian's very embarrassed father. Or a law enforcement officer. A bunch of random people pile onto the stage, prompting hundreds of members of the viewing audience, including me, to ask aloud, "Who are they?" Turns out, they are the long-forgotten players who didn't make the jury. We'll hear from them, and a manic, apparently non-medicated Peachy, in the reunion special.