Previously on Survivor, Clay sputtered and spewed at Jake for questioning the productivity of the former members of Chuay Gahn. Helen clapped her hands and giggled like a schoolgirl, and then her husband appeared, ate a lot of nasty things, stuck out his tongue, and returned to camp for a night at Chuay Jai. Brian's wife C.C. refused to eat a cockroach, and then beat him up. (But the beating up part came later. And it's not funny at all. No, it's not.) The S6 and their loved ones competed side by side in the immunity challenge, and Ted and his brother Alwan celebrated the victory with a roll in the sand. The tribe voiced half-assed concerns about each other, but Jake got voted out exactly as expected. Five members of the original Chuay Gahn tribe remain, and tonight one of them will go. Finally!
A moon sliver floats in the sky as a Thai singer wails. Tiny ants carry a large, dead, winged insect. A bird pokes around in the water and spears a fish. Two squid-like animals attack each other. Two crab-like animals attack each other. Two lizard-like animals attack each other. Do you think the editors are going for something here? Because I'm not quite convinced. On Day 34 at Chuay Jai, a weathered-looking Helen hacks violently at a coconut, then explains in an interview that the former members of Chuay Gahn haven't had to vote out a member since Day 12. As she voice-overs that they were the "joke team of Survivor," we see the crotchety S5 struggling to turn over their boat. She refers to the "losers" and "old people" of Chuay Gahn as a "band of misfits" who can't do anything right. Still, she insists that they never lost focus on the game, and they never gave up. It takes her about seventeen insults to get to a single compliment, so remind me never to turn to Helen for a few kind words in my favor.
At camp, Ted tells Clay that the "core of Chuay Gahn is right here," and it's not clear whether he means the five remaining players, or just him and Clay. A watchful Helen explains that, at this point, they will have to vote out one of their own because "the game is on full speed ahead." In a sunlit interview, Brian rambles, "What skills come into play at this part of the game? Skating skills. Who's the best skater -- ice skater? Who's got the longest skates on? Who's the best at cutting corners -- going around in circles? Because usually on [sic] skating, you gotta be ice cold. You can't lose your cool. You gotta be like ice. You gotta have friendship. You gotta cut off those friendships. You gotta keep stringin' people along and then bam! Throw 'em a nice slider. Mr. Freeze is in the house. Even though it's about 110 out here, I got my skates on." And that was quite an analogy, with the skating and the Mr. Freeze and the slider and the stringin' people along? And even if the comparison did work, Brian's definitely more Mr. Sleeze than Mr. Freeze.
A mirror sits on the beach, and Clay ambles toward it. It's not Harry Potter's Mirror of Erised, so sadly, when Clay looks into it, he will not see himself surrounded by nothing but fine asses. Spotting the mirror, he says, "Oh hell, a mirror." He then becomes immediately transfixed. He mutters to himself, "Oh, crap," and says, "Look at this? I'm nothin'!" He finally breaks away from his reflection, and shouts to the others about the new treemail. They want him to read aloud the clue, but he insists that it's something they need to see for themselves. Finally, Clay reveals that there is a mirror, and Ted yells in response, "Don't look at it too much -- we don't want it to crack!" Hee. As the others head over, Clay tells them, "Y'all [sic] not gonna believe the wrinkles in my face!" Why won't they believe the wrinkles in his face when they see him every day? Does the fact that there's a mirror now allow them more clearly to see Clay and his wrinkles? In an interview, Clay tells us that with his new wrinkles he looks like he's about sixty years old. We see a particularly gnomish pre-Survivor picture of Clay, and since he wasn't an especially youthful forty-nine-year-old going into the game, I don't see what's so surprising about the way he looks now. Anyway, Clay goes on about his wrinkles some more, and then Helen reads the clue aloud: "Behold the magic mirror, you've never looked so great/ This is no illusion: you've really lost some weight!/ Compare yourself to these photos taken just before the game./ You may return to regular size, but you'll never be the same." Helen distributes suitably rustic, framed photographs of each of the S5, taking particular pleasure in Brian's "chubby face." In an interview, Jan tells us that she immediately started laughing at her photograph because of her fat cheeks, but I think the pigtails alone are pure comedy. That aside, I don't understand Jan's amazement: I'd think she'd be far more surprised by what she sees in the mirror than by what she sees in the photograph. After all, she should be far more accustomed to the way she looks pre-Survivor than how she looks now. I can see if they were reacting with surprise to each other's photos, but they shouldn't be much shocked by their own. Jan tells us she had "some bosoms" in the photograph, but now looks like a "stick figure." Clay kisses his photograph and exclaims, "I am hot, y'all!" before Helen proceeds to point out how chubby everyone else is in their pictures.
Ted preens in the mirror with the claim that he looks like a "tight end/wide receiver," and Clay urges him to look at his neck. In an interview, Ted explains that he didn't know who he was seeing, because it was like looking at two different people. As we see Ted's massive photograph, it's clear that he has lost a great deal of weight in Thailand. He says the picture looks like his brother, but "this guy is gone."
The other members of the tribe ask a quiet Helen what she thinks of her reflection, and she flatly responds, "I think I still look fat." Ted and Jan react with the appropriate "shut up"s and accusations of drug usage. Jan then points out that Helen lost weight everywhere, and Ted is curious that she's unable to see her own six-pack. Helen gropes at her stomach and complains that she can only see the "little lines right here." She then turns to examine her baggy-assed shorts. Baggy-assed running shorts flatter no one, and Helen is no exception. Then again, some people just have fat asses, and all the weight loss in the world won't change that. I can't say for sure in which group Helen belongs. As Helen continues to check herself out from every angle, we see Clay in the background hovering anxiously for his turn. In an interview, Helen tells us that she knew she was losing weight, but that looking in the mirror was different. After one look, she thought to herself, "I still look fat and, uh, great! I got lines on my face. Okay, I'm done."
Ted, Brian, and Clay attempt to edge each other out for space around the mirror, and Brian is upset about his yellow teeth while Ted flexes and says, "The guns are gone." He claims that they used to be "cannons," but now they're just "nine millimeters." Jan and Helen watch in amusement as the men preen, and Jan yells, "Excuse me, pretty girls! Will y'all quit prancin'!" She tells us that the men were so busy admiring themselves in the mirror that the women couldn't get turns for themselves.
As Brian and Ted stroll down the beach on a treemail run, Ted is glad for the chance to talk. He wants to know how he and Brian are doing in their alliance, and who will be to go. As they walk, Magilla skirts along a tree branch above them. I've missed Magilla! Brian mumbles something about Jan being the target, as Ted repeats that he doesn't know what the deal is, and asks if he and Brian are still "in play." Brian says that they are, and they shake and hug on it, before Brian undercuts the agreement by claiming that he doesn't know where everyone else in the tribe stands; he says the competition might turn into an "every man for himself/ keep on your toes sort of thing." Ted asks whether he needs to be on the lookout, and Brian says he can't answer that because he's too busy looking out for himself. In an interview, Ted tells us that Brian is a good guy; still, he thinks their previously strong verbal alliance isn't so strong anymore. We see Brian mumbling onward as Ted continues to explain that after a "checkpoint" of their status, he realized that Brian might be wavering. Ted flat-out asks whether Brian is "flipping on [him]." Brian says he's not, but then goes on about it being "business." Brian confirms to Ted that they're friends, as if a friend has never stabbed another friend in the back before. If so, someone should tell that to Jennifer Thompson, my best friend from seventh grade. I'm over it. Really. Anyway, Ted tells us that Brian's verbiage about "not taking anything personal" signaled him that something had changed in their alliance.
Brian and Ted return to camp with the treemail, bragging that they haven't yet opened it. Except Ted says, "We haven't opened it. I just opened it. It look like a book!" which confuses me. The others exclaim over the item, and Helen deems it "incredible." The clue reads as follows, "A picture is worth a thousand words. You only needs two./ The one to get this last reward will be rejuvenated when you're through./ It's time to dine on good food and wine, and wait -- there's a whole lot more./ This reward's the one for you, if you're hungry, tired, and sore." Clay raises both hands in the air and announces that the reward is obviously intended for him, since he's the one always asking about food. So does that mean whoever talks the most about the million dollars deserves to win it? Not in Helen's opinion; she shoves Clay and yells that he's already had his share and won't get any more. This is more an affectionately teasing display than one of anger or irritation. As the tribe continues to joke about the reward, we see Brian skulking off in the background. Ted explains in an interview that he's trusted people "maybe 80-85%" so far, but he won't sit back now and base the end results on that trust.
Now, a bored-looking Clay lies in the foreground of the camera shot, while behind him we see Ted drawing a little face in the sand for Helen. It looks like the face has horns, so clearly it's Shii Devil. He scrubs out Shii Devil and, as we see him continue to write, voice-overs that his strategy from the beginning of the game has been to adapt to every new situation. Clearly, he tried to "adapt" a little to well to Grindia. In any case, he wanted to talk to Helen about her feelings on the Final Four, and explains that he drew an alternate option in the sand, which proposed eliminating Clay, leaving Helen, Jan, Brian and Ted. We see he's written "BHTJ" in the sand, while Helen mouths it out and makes typically over-exaggerated facial expressions. Meanwhile, an apparently clueless Clay aimlessly chews on something while Brian examines his feet. (Brian's feet, not Clay's feet. Because that would be nasty.) Ted tells us that once they get rid of Clay, they can decide how to "operate with Brian" -- whether to keep or eliminate him. As they continue to mouth words at each other, Ted voice-overs that it was good to know he and Helen were on the same page about Clay. As Ted continues telling us that Clay is the logical choice to be voted out because he makes no contribution to camp, we see Helen has written in the sand, "What does he do?"
The S5 walk toward the challenge site and Peachy tools up beside them in a car. He offers them a ride and orders Ted into the front seat. He tells the others, "Get on in, baby...this is what you're playin' for!" As the car speeds off with Brian, Helen, Clay, and Jan packed into the backseat, Brian looks slightly nauseated while the others appear to find the experience more enjoyable. Then Peachy brakes to a halt and orders them back out of the car for the challenge. He tells them they're playing for the SUV, which he says is "not a bad-lookin' ride." In addition to the car, the winner will get a "Survivor-style" day at a spa, including a massage and a meal. Peachy thinks the food could make for a big advantage going into the last five days, and asks if they think it's "worth playin' for." Why wouldn't it be worth playing for?
The challenge is a race to collect and unscramble an assortment of letters to spell out an activity. The S5 will stand on the first of eight letters as their starting point; they will then move on to a trough filled with tiles featuring both Thai and underscored English letters. After rooting through the trough and collecting an English letter, they can move on to the phase, which involves lowering a flagpole to release another letter. They will then scale a cargo net, collect a letter, and climb down. Around the corner, silk-covered Thai and English letters hang from a tree. The S5 will unwrap letters until they find a fifth English letter, and then move onto a "rope pull" with seventeen ropes, of which only five lead to letters. This time, a key is attached to the letter, and will unlock a "treasure chest" containing the final two letters. Finally, the S5 will race to easels with their letters and attempt to unscramble them into two words.
The S5 are off and running, completely missing the fact that they are standing on the first letter, despite Peachy's initial announcement: "You are looking for eight letters total. You're standing on the first one." As they run off in chaos, Peachy chases after them yelling, "You're standing on the first one, guys! You're standing on the first one!" Finally, Clay figures out what Peachy is talking about and heads back to the starting line, and the others slowly follow, except Brian, who is still confused. He crosses paths with Clay and asks, "Where we goin'?" and Peachy answers, "You're standing on your first one!" So Brian figures it out while the others have all moved onto the trough.
At this point, Peachy reminds the S5 that they're "looking for an underscore." He adds, "Underscore means English letter," which totally disappointed me because I thought he was going to say, "'Underscore' means 'underlined.'" Jan has the most difficulty with this leg of the challenge, and as the others move on, we see a shot of her sorting through the tiles, throwing the Thai symbols over both shoulders after she looks at them. It's a waste of time, but it's hysterical. Peachy coaches Jan not to give up with the claim that she's "still alive," but then immediately rubs it in: "Everybody's got four except Jan." By this point, Clay is in the lead with five letters, followed closely by Brian. At the rope pull, Clay gets lucky on the first one, while Brian has to try again. When Brian reaches the trunk, Peachy calls out that there a "nice little surprise in there," which looks like raw fish. In any case, the blow-by-blow of the first part of the challenge matters very little, as it all comes down to the unscrambling part. Peachy reminds them that they're looking for "two words when put together are an activity."
We see the unscrambling S5, and then Brian casually announces, "I got it right here, Jeff." Peachy hustles over, stares, and then perplexedly asks, "What're you spelling?" as we that Brian has spelled out "RAOD TRIP." Brian -- not yet realizing that he's got it wrong -- loudly tells Peachy that he was going for "ROAD TRIP," and Peachy responds -- equally loudly -- "That's not ROAD TRIP." Ted's ears prick up and he bustles about unscrambling the letters into the words he just overheard. He then announces, "Road Trip!" like he came up with it himself, and Peachy proclaims him the winner. Ted bounds across the field, yelling, "We got a truck, baby!" and throws himself onto the ground in a bizarre semi-somersault. He waves his hands in the air and yells upward that he "did it for you, baby!" but it's not clear whether the "baby" in question is Itty Bitty Baby Ted or God. Helen and Jan, meanwhile, are interested in knowing what the answer was, and Brian bitterly reveals that it was "Road Trip," before heading over to congratulate Ted with a high five and the backhanded "Shouldn't've yelled it out." Clay, in a not particularly earnest way, adds, "Way to go, Ted." Peachy offers true congratulations to Ted, but thinks the reward won't be any fun without someone to share it with. He thinks that picking a partner at this point in the game might be difficult, but Ted doesn't delay before claiming that Helen kept him from being voted out at one point, and he owes her. Helen happily runs over and head-butts him in thanks before wiping her hands off on her legs in a weirdly dramatic way. Peachy makes a big show of giving them directions to the spa, and sends them off with the claim that a "day of relaxation" awaits.
A bird soars -- one of many soaring birds we've seen and will continue to see as the season winds to an end. Ted and Helen exclaim over the new-car smell, and Ted comments that it handles very well. Helen emphasizes, "Your own car! Your own car!" and then Ted tells us in an interview that he never won "Lotto" or even a raffle so this was a "dream come true." Ted tells Helen that they need to talk a little business because he wants to know where Jan's "head is." Helen reveals that Jan doesn't like Clay because bossy and he's useless around camp. In an interview, Ted tells us that he proposed getting rid of Clay, and then we see Helen complain that she would respect Clay if he worked, but that all he does is order them around. Ted says he'll leave it to Helen to relay their conversation to Jan, but urges Helen to be sure to relay the results of that conversation back to him.
A picnic table and umbrella in the sun await Ted and Helen, and then the camera pans over to reveal a tent with a bed and blankets and pillows. They walk toward the table hand in hand, and seem particularly excited about the two Thai women who greet them. Ted coos over having "hostesses," and Helen adds, "And look at their nice, clean clothes!" Ted and Helen are informed that they'll be treated to dinner, a shower, and a massage, and Ted attempts to say something in Thai that the women clearly don't understand but pretend to because they're polite. And, presumably, getting a hefty paycheck.
It's time for the requisite pig-out shots, and Helen and Ted are more than happy to oblige. They don't even sit down before tearing into the food with their hands and making the usual orgasmic noises. In an interview, a clearly post-shower Helen tells us that it was nice to have a prepared meal -- particularly one that didn't consist of mussels, clams, crabs, and leaves. They've also received several bottles of wine, and Ted tells us in an interview that neither he nor Helen drinks. Helen proclaims, "I think we need to celebrate!" and Ted explains that they decided to indulge because it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. They toast each other and Ted immediately cringes from the taste while Helen exclaims that it's good. Ted loads up his plate while Helen names each dish. She advises Ted to pace himself, and then he tells us in an interview that he fixed his portion as if he was "the old Ted -- 310-lb. Ted." He thought, "I could knock this out with no problem," but was amazed to become full quickly. Ted gets up, jumps around, rubs his belly, and begs "please, please," in the hopes of making more room for food, while Helen and the two Thai women look on in bemusement. Helen berates Ted for wasting room in his tummy with rice (which happens to be my attitude toward vegetables), and says she's disappointed in Ted for not being able to eat more.
Back at camp, a fish-like creature scoots in the sand, looking ominously like the snakefish we Marylanders battled several months back. Clay is pissed off because he hates losing; in an interview he tells us he's envious and wishes he had won. Brian berates himself: "Me and my big mouth," and clueless Jan asks what he did. Exasperated, Brian snits, "I said the answer!" He then explains that he "just misspelled it," and no one takes the opportunity to ask how he could possibly misspel the words "road" and "trip." ["I guess you can become a porn star with only a first-grade education." -- Wing Chun] Brian walks off pointing in the air and grumbling to himself as if still trying to figure out what went wrong. In an interview, Brian complains that Ted didn't thank him, and should have. He whines, "Anybody that gives you something for free...all I wanted was, 'Hey, thanks, appreciate it.'"
Now the tribemates are discussing the earlier sandy conversation between Ted and Helen. Jan says she overheard them because they thought she was asleep; Clay adds, "You know I saw that writin' in the dirt over there!" Brian doesn't think there is an alliance, and believes that Helen is "down with what needs to be done."
Ted, meanwhile, is down with the drinking, and we see him shitmouth Helen to "pass that wine!" Being careful to enunciate every word, he tells Helen that Clay is "outta here," and that she needs to work on Jan. He insists that she'll get pressure from Brian and Clay, and will need to be quiet in her machinations, but that they will eventually get Clay out along with "his lazy behind." He pauses and says, "So anyway, I forgot where I was." Hee.
As Helen attempts to take a peaceful shower, Ted has moved onto the "and disorderly" stage of his drunkenness. He yells an inquiry about how it feels, and she responds that it's "heaven." Ted then screams, "Hey! I'm not drunk. Am I drunk?" A few seconds of silence follow before he yells, "Hey, Helen?" Upon her "What?," Ted responds in the immortal words of drunken people everywhere: "I love you." In a measured voice, Helen tells Ted she loves him too, and can't say what the reward means to her.
Some time later, as a toweled Helen walks away from the shower, Ted bellows in the background demanding a "preview" of the massage and wanting to know if it's his turn yet. Helen makes her way into the hut and peaceful music plays in the background as she gets her feet massaged. Actually, it looks more like the masseuse is kicking her, but I'll assume it feels good. Ted's shower-happy shrieking pierces the silence, and we see and hear a gleeful Ted exclaiming, "Oohh, aaaaah, ooooh, yeah! Boy! Yeah, dog! Oh, hey! Did I tell you how good this feels? Oh my gosh. Oh, oooh!" Ted is getting down with his bad self in the shower, and it's hysterical. Even an annoyed Helen giggles. Ted then brushes his teeth -- although "brushing his teeth, lips, chin, and palate" is more appropriate -- as he posits, "Now I’m assuming this shoeshine stuff is a toothbrush." He makes "mmmm, mmmm" sounds over the toothpaste. When he asks again if the massage is good, Helen responds with a far less enthusiastic "Heaven, Ted." In an interview, she doubts Ted remembers the evening, and says he got silly just like drunk people usually do. She tells us it wasn't her reward, though, and "being the polite guest that [she] was," she let him enjoy the night.
Suddenly, Ted is back in the shower and screaming, "Is my masseuse ready for me?" When Helen agrees that it's his turn, he yells, "Are you ready for me, Miss Masseuse?" The masseuse -- who looks like Dr. Pam from The Real World San Francisco -- shakes her head and confusedly smiles much in the way I'd imagine Dr. Pam from the San Francisco The Real World would. Maybe Dr. Pam from The Real World had to go all the way to Thailand to get away from whiny Judd. ["Totally worth the trip, I'd say." -- Wing Chun] Ted enters the tent, throws himself on the bed, flops around for a bit, and yells, "She's massaging my feet!" As the masseuse continues to try to do her job, Ted writhes around and screams, "Oh! Ah! That feels good! Oh oh oh oh ow!" before turning to Helen in disbelief and saying, "She pulled my fingers off my hand!" The woman pats Ted down right to his ass, while he groans and mumbles, "She's beatin' me to death." There's a C.C. joke in there somewhere. (And bring on the "bad taste" emails!) Helen's masseuse, meanwhile, has moved on to a head massage, most likely anticipating a forthcoming migraine. Still, Helen tells us in an interview that she likes Ted and actually enjoyed her night with him; she was wearing clean silk pajamas while in a comfy bed listening to the ocean, and it doesn't get much better than that.
Ted and Helen are now in bed, and we see that bugs are crawling over the remnants of their food. Considering this is the very same food they bring back for their tribemates the morning, it's particularly nasty, and I'm surprised the editors didn't do a better job of splicing the two events together. Ted rolls off the bed before explaining in a pajama-d interview, "My body is drunk, but my mind is clear. And I'll remember all of this. When your mind is mush, that's when you're drunk...in my opinion!" Hee. As Helen tries to sleep, Ted rambles on about wanting the night to last forever and ever. He complains that once he lies down it will all be over, and asks if Helen is ready to go to sleep. She's ready whenever he's ready, and he gamely announces, "All right, Helen. I'm about to go to sleep." Helen thanks him for a great night. And aw -- drunk Ted is such a happy Ted!
It's now Day 35 at Chuay Gahn, and a snake slithers and hisses. Brian hits a good golf shot, and Jan congratulates him. Helen and Ted wade in from the water. Where are they coming from that the others don't notice them until they're practically on shore? Did they completely miss seeing the boat, or did Helen and Ted wade in from a different island? In which case, how shallow is that water, anyway? Brian notes that Ted and Helen smell good even from a distance, and Ted attempts the whole "Merry Christmas" routine that Clay and Brian did a couple episodes back, but no one picks up on it this time. Instead, the others inquire about the trip, and Ted says it was the "worst massage ever of [his] life," and Helen lies that the food was "terrible." She cleans up real nice, and looks a bit like a snaggletoothed Karen Allen. In an interview, Helen reveals that leaving camp always brings about the suspicion that other people might be talking. She says it's easy to become paranoid, and that she's trying to avoid getting into "that quagmire." Personally, I would avoid getting into any quagmire, but then again, bogs and swamps and such don't particularly appeal to me.
Ted finally gives up the whole Santa suspense and reveals that he's brought back a bottle of wine. Jan immediately grabs it, stuffing it into her sports bra with the announcement that "it fits perfectly!" Sadly, she doesn't use the occasion to say "clavage" again. Brian jokes that he's been "very naughty," so Ted hands over a bottle of wine; actually, it looks like they each get their own bottle of wine, which isn't such a bad deal. Helen shovels food out of the canteen into a pan, and Clay can't wait to taste it. In bending over to do so, he gets his very own gratuitous ass shot, proving that the ass shots are equal-opportunity on this show. Helen is quick to point out the "chicken cashew" and "spicy beef," because of course she knows exactly what the dishes are called and, probably, what's in them. The tribe feasts, while Helen and Ted bask in their appreciation. Ted looks particularly happy, and tells us in an interview that he felt envy and jealousy from Clay, but it didn't and doesn't matter.
Now the men are off golfing again, and Helen tells us that she did exactly as she promised Ted she would -- she felt out Jan's willingness to vote against Clay. We see Helen tell Jan, "I've got you in the #3, and possibly you and I in the 1 and 2." Jan whines that she hasn't won a single immunity challenge, and Helen insists, "It doesn't have to be! It doesn't have to be!" Helen says that if Jan wants into the plan, she needs to tell Helen, and Jan responds that they've been through so much together and she'd like to be upfront about her decision. Helen reminds Jan that no matter what, they need to vote in a block; she also warns Jan not to say anything about the conversation to Clay and Brian because in doing so, she'll slit her own throat as well as Helen's. We haven't heard a good throat-slitting comment in a while! Jan says that Brian has played a very good game, and Helen agrees because she luuuuuurves Brian. But Jan's not done and adds, "Why do you think he keeps Clay so close?" concluding that it's the whole keep your friends close/keep your enemies closer cliché.
The other members of the tribe push a boat bearing Brian and Helen off on a water run. Brian inquires about the spa day with Ted, and Helen exclaims, "He was making an idiot out of himself!" She tells Brian that it would otherwise have been very peaceful, and then Brian spits into the water. Ick. In a voice-over, Brian tells us that Helen could be playing him, but he knows she won't because she respects him completely and he's taken her a long way. He adds, "She owes me, and she knows it." Helen pleads with Brian to keep her from being alone with Ted, because she doesn't want to hear more of his plotting, but also because she's worried that it will give the others the wrong impression about her. She already thinks Clay is skeptical of her allegiance. When Brian insists that she has nothing to worry about, Helen responds, "I mean, I'm locked!" In an interview, she explains that she's playing both sides of the fence, but thinks everyone left in the game is doing the same thing while hoping not to get caught. We see Helen telling Brian that she listened to Ted's argument, "'yeah, yeah, yeah'ed him to death," and agreed with everything he said. She concludes her interview by saying that both groups think she's on their side, and "quite frankly," she doesn't even know where she stands at this point.
Back at camp, Jan coos over rocks Ted has collected, and he tells her she can have her pick of them "with the exception of this one and this one." Hee. She thinks they're "really cool," and enthusiastically thanks him. In an interview, Jan explains that Helen approached her because of her status as a potential swing vote: she could be pulled into a Helen-Ted alliance, but would really have to think about it. She tells us that whatever decision she makes will be toward what's best for her in the long run. She also reveals that she's not sure that there's any "true, true alliance right now." She knows people have been talking, but she doesn't think there have been any firm avowals not to vote against anyone else. She further tells us that although she and Helen are very tight and she might trust Helen under different circumstances, she knows this is a game. Jan has a pretty wily perspective on all of this. Who knew?
Helen brushes off her feet and mutters about taking better care of her "potholder socks," because she's burned them in the past but still needs to wear them. In an interview, Brian tells us that he derives control and confidence from knowing what everyone else is thinking because it gives him "useful ammunition." He says he has three pieces of ammunition: "I've got my trump card, Jan -- Grandma Jan -- she's disposable. Number Two, I've got my loyal trustworthy solider, Helen. I know where her head's at; I know how she feels about me. I’m very confident -- and uh, good feeling about her and her work ethic. My good friend, Uncle Clay -- I know what he wants; he knows what I want. I know he doesn't want Helen; I know Helen doesn't want him. When I need to use that against each other, I will." He then counts down on his fingers with, "So there's my three: one disposable; a loyal soldier; oops, and a good friend." With the "oops," we see that the last finger standing is the "tall man," and I'm not sure if that's toward the camera, Clay, or unintentional.
As the tribe packs up for Tribal Council, Clay tells us that the game is all about using people. He concludes, "Here we go again -- the circus has come to town," and unless the circus has a habit of using people, I don't quite follow his chain of thought, but then with Clay -- or any of these people for that matter -- I don't exactly expect to.
So the tribe piles into the Council, followed by the jury, including a particularly voluptuous and yet mannish-looking Erin. Jake appears to have borrowed one of Clay's sleeveless collared shirts.
Peachy immediately attempts to stir up some conflict by asking the five remaining Chuay Gahn members to consider that all of the jury members are from Sook Jai, and thus will control the majority of the final vote. He says that, up until now, Chuay Gahn was in complete control and able to systematically eliminate the others, but in doing so they "put [their] fate in [Sook Jai's] hands." This causes the jury members to grin and exchange proud looks with each other, which is so silly. They're there because they lost, so the fact that they have a small amount of power now is not much to brag about. Still, Peachy wants to know how it feels to know that it might be too late to affect the jurors' decisions, but really, that has nothing to do with which tribe they were initially on. In any case, Clay says that it's a scary feeling, and that he lies awake at night thinking about it. About that and the fine asses, of course. He points out that they have to vote for someone, and he hopes he's one of the final two. He then exhibits the psychosis typical of competitors on this show, launching into a third-person diatribe in which he attempts to determine the "best way for Clay to do it."
Helen admits that Sook Jai has the numbers, but points out the obvious: they have to vote, and unfortunately it will be for a Chuay Gahn member. She hopes that when it comes down to it, they'll vote based on merit and who was decent to be around.
Peachy asks whether Brian thinks his fate is sealed within his own tribe, and Brian ponders that no one's fate is ever sealed "until the fat lady sings, as I like to say." That's a pretty cool phrase Brian coined -- maybe it will make it into the popular lexicon. He says that with only a couple of days left, he can't predict what will happen.
Peachy asks whether Jan feels an "added burden" because she selected the tribe, and she responds that it gets harder to vote people off because they fought their way this far together. She concludes, "There's very little difference between any of the five of us." Except one stars in porno movies; one has a recipe fetish; one likes nice asses; one buries her dinner remains; and one grinds unwittingly in his sleep.
We don't see any of the votes, but we hear Helen say, "You're a fierce competitor and so am I, which means it's down to you or me, and it's gonna be you before me." Clay casts his vote based on "nothing but strategy and it's time for you to go."
Peachy heads off to tally while Ted sniffs the air and Jan looks weepy. The first two votes are for Ted, followed by a vote for Jan. The third vote is for Ted and gong! That's all he needs. Ted gathers his belongings while no one manages to look him in the eye. He doesn't particularly want to look at them either and mumbles at them to "take care," as Peachy snuffs his torch. As Ted exits, Peachy wraps it up by pointing out that they've officially lasted thirty-six days and made the Final Four. Over the three days, Peachy reveals, there will be three Tribal Councils, two immunity challenges, and one ultimate winner, who will be selected by the jury. And in a recap past, I did a little riff on The Twelve Days of Christmas, but what Peachy said also works quite nicely for the first three days, anyway.
week on Survivor, Peachy stands ceremoniously in the jungle and orders us again to "gather the family," but I'm not falling for it this time. Jan celebrates something, and Clay's not talking about twenty dollars. The cameraman tries out a new fishbowl lens on Peachy, but it doesn't make him look any taller.
Peachy also tells us that the reunion show will have "no singin' and dancing" this time around. Did he just bust on Rosie? No he di-in't!
As the credits roll, we see that Ted cast the solitary vote for Jan. He tells us that it's been long and wonderful, and he's blessed to have made it so far. Although he would have loved to win, he did Survivor to show his child that "nothing beats a failure but a try." Aw. Poor, naïve, earnest Big Teddy leaves me momentarily snarkless.