The Tides Are Turning

Previously on Survivor, Clay sputtered and spewed at Jake for questioning the productivity of the former members of Chuay Gahn. Helen clapped her hands and giggled like a schoolgirl, and then her husband appeared, ate a lot of nasty things, stuck out his tongue, and returned to camp for a night at Chuay Jai. Brian's wife C.C. refused to eat a cockroach, and then beat him up. (But the beating up part came later. And it's not funny at all. No, it's not.) The S6 and their loved ones competed side by side in the immunity challenge, and Ted and his brother Alwan celebrated the victory with a roll in the sand. The tribe voiced half-assed concerns about each other, but Jake got voted out exactly as expected. Five members of the original Chuay Gahn tribe remain, and tonight one of them will go. Finally!

A moon sliver floats in the sky as a Thai singer wails. Tiny ants carry a large, dead, winged insect. A bird pokes around in the water and spears a fish. Two squid-like animals attack each other. Two crab-like animals attack each other. Two lizard-like animals attack each other. Do you think the editors are going for something here? Because I'm not quite convinced. On Day 34 at Chuay Jai, a weathered-looking Helen hacks violently at a coconut, then explains in an interview that the former members of Chuay Gahn haven't had to vote out a member since Day 12. As she voice-overs that they were the "joke team of Survivor," we see the crotchety S5 struggling to turn over their boat. She refers to the "losers" and "old people" of Chuay Gahn as a "band of misfits" who can't do anything right. Still, she insists that they never lost focus on the game, and they never gave up. It takes her about seventeen insults to get to a single compliment, so remind me never to turn to Helen for a few kind words in my favor.

At camp, Ted tells Clay that the "core of Chuay Gahn is right here," and it's not clear whether he means the five remaining players, or just him and Clay. A watchful Helen explains that, at this point, they will have to vote out one of their own because "the game is on full speed ahead." In a sunlit interview, Brian rambles, "What skills come into play at this part of the game? Skating skills. Who's the best skater -- ice skater? Who's got the longest skates on? Who's the best at cutting corners -- going around in circles? Because usually on [sic] skating, you gotta be ice cold. You can't lose your cool. You gotta be like ice. You gotta have friendship. You gotta cut off those friendships. You gotta keep stringin' people along and then bam! Throw 'em a nice slider. Mr. Freeze is in the house. Even though it's about 110 out here, I got my skates on." And that was quite an analogy, with the skating and the Mr. Freeze and the slider and the stringin' people along? And even if the comparison did work, Brian's definitely more Mr. Sleeze than Mr. Freeze.

A mirror sits on the beach, and Clay ambles toward it. It's not Harry Potter's Mirror of Erised, so sadly, when Clay looks into it, he will not see himself surrounded by nothing but fine asses. Spotting the mirror, he says, "Oh hell, a mirror." He then becomes immediately transfixed. He mutters to himself, "Oh, crap," and says, "Look at this? I'm nothin'!" He finally breaks away from his reflection, and shouts to the others about the new treemail. They want him to read aloud the clue, but he insists that it's something they need to see for themselves. Finally, Clay reveals that there is a mirror, and Ted yells in response, "Don't look at it too much -- we don't want it to crack!" Hee. As the others head over, Clay tells them, "Y'all [sic] not gonna believe the wrinkles in my face!" Why won't they believe the wrinkles in his face when they see him every day? Does the fact that there's a mirror now allow them more clearly to see Clay and his wrinkles? In an interview, Clay tells us that with his new wrinkles he looks like he's about sixty years old. We see a particularly gnomish pre-Survivor picture of Clay, and since he wasn't an especially youthful forty-nine-year-old going into the game, I don't see what's so surprising about the way he looks now. Anyway, Clay goes on about his wrinkles some more, and then Helen reads the clue aloud: "Behold the magic mirror, you've never looked so great/ This is no illusion: you've really lost some weight!/ Compare yourself to these photos taken just before the game./ You may return to regular size, but you'll never be the same." Helen distributes suitably rustic, framed photographs of each of the S5, taking particular pleasure in Brian's "chubby face." In an interview, Jan tells us that she immediately started laughing at her photograph because of her fat cheeks, but I think the pigtails alone are pure comedy. That aside, I don't understand Jan's amazement: I'd think she'd be far more surprised by what she sees in the mirror than by what she sees in the photograph. After all, she should be far more accustomed to the way she looks pre-Survivor than how she looks now. I can see if they were reacting with surprise to each other's photos, but they shouldn't be much shocked by their own. Jan tells us she had "some bosoms" in the photograph, but now looks like a "stick figure." Clay kisses his photograph and exclaims, "I am hot, y'all!" before Helen proceeds to point out how chubby everyone else is in their pictures.

Ted preens in the mirror with the claim that he looks like a "tight end/wide receiver," and Clay urges him to look at his neck. In an interview, Ted explains that he didn't know who he was seeing, because it was like looking at two different people. As we see Ted's massive photograph, it's clear that he has lost a great deal of weight in Thailand. He says the picture looks like his brother, but "this guy is gone."

The other members of the tribe ask a quiet Helen what she thinks of her reflection, and she flatly responds, "I think I still look fat." Ted and Jan react with the appropriate "shut up"s and accusations of drug usage. Jan then points out that Helen lost weight everywhere, and Ted is curious that she's unable to see her own six-pack. Helen gropes at her stomach and complains that she can only see the "little lines right here." She then turns to examine her baggy-assed shorts. Baggy-assed running shorts flatter no one, and Helen is no exception. Then again, some people just have fat asses, and all the weight loss in the world won't change that. I can't say for sure in which group Helen belongs. As Helen continues to check herself out from every angle, we see Clay in the background hovering anxiously for his turn. In an interview, Helen tells us that she knew she was losing weight, but that looking in the mirror was different. After one look, she thought to herself, "I still look fat and, uh, great! I got lines on my face. Okay, I'm done."

Ted, Brian, and Clay attempt to edge each other out for space around the mirror, and Brian is upset about his yellow teeth while Ted flexes and says, "The guns are gone." He claims that they used to be "cannons," but now they're just "nine millimeters." Jan and Helen watch in amusement as the men preen, and Jan yells, "Excuse me, pretty girls! Will y'all quit prancin'!" She tells us that the men were so busy admiring themselves in the mirror that the women couldn't get turns for themselves.

As Brian and Ted stroll down the beach on a treemail run, Ted is glad for the chance to talk. He wants to know how he and Brian are doing in their alliance, and who will be to go. As they walk, Magilla skirts along a tree branch above them. I've missed Magilla! Brian mumbles something about Jan being the target, as Ted repeats that he doesn't know what the deal is, and asks if he and Brian are still "in play." Brian says that they are, and they shake and hug on it, before Brian undercuts the agreement by claiming that he doesn't know where everyone else in the tribe stands; he says the competition might turn into an "every man for himself/ keep on your toes sort of thing." Ted asks whether he needs to be on the lookout, and Brian says he can't answer that because he's too busy looking out for himself. In an interview, Ted tells us that Brian is a good guy; still, he thinks their previously strong verbal alliance isn't so strong anymore. We see Brian mumbling onward as Ted continues to explain that after a "checkpoint" of their status, he realized that Brian might be wavering. Ted flat-out asks whether Brian is "flipping on [him]." Brian says he's not, but then goes on about it being "business." Brian confirms to Ted that they're friends, as if a friend has never stabbed another friend in the back before. If so, someone should tell that to Jennifer Thompson, my best friend from seventh grade. I'm over it. Really. Anyway, Ted tells us that Brian's verbiage about "not taking anything personal" signaled him that something had changed in their alliance.

Brian and Ted return to camp with the treemail, bragging that they haven't yet opened it. Except Ted says, "We haven't opened it. I just opened it. It look like a book!" which confuses me. The others exclaim over the item, and Helen deems it "incredible." The clue reads as follows, "A picture is worth a thousand words. You only needs two./ The one to get this last reward will be rejuvenated when you're through./ It's time to dine on good food and wine, and wait -- there's a whole lot more./ This reward's the one for you, if you're hungry, tired, and sore." Clay raises both hands in the air and announces that the reward is obviously intended for him, since he's the one always asking about food. So does that mean whoever talks the most about the million dollars deserves to win it? Not in Helen's opinion; she shoves Clay and yells that he's already had his share and won't get any more. This is more an affectionately teasing display than one of anger or irritation. As the tribe continues to joke about the reward, we see Brian skulking off in the background. Ted explains in an interview that he's trusted people "maybe 80-85%" so far, but he won't sit back now and base the end results on that trust.

The S5 are off and running, completely missing the fact that they are standing on the first letter, despite Peachy's initial announcement: "You are looking for eight letters total. You're standing on the first one." As they run off in chaos, Peachy chases after them yelling, "You're standing on the first one, guys! You're standing on the first one!" Finally, Clay figures out what Peachy is talking about and heads back to the starting line, and the others slowly follow, except Brian, who is still confused. He crosses paths with Clay and asks, "Where we goin'?" and Peachy answers, "You're standing on your first one!" So Brian figures it out while the others have all moved onto the trough.

At this point, Peachy reminds the S5 that they're "looking for an underscore." He adds, "Underscore means English letter," which totally disappointed me because I thought he was going to say, "'Underscore' means 'underlined.'" Jan has the most difficulty with this leg of the challenge, and as the others move on, we see a shot of her sorting through the tiles, throwing the Thai symbols over both shoulders after she looks at them. It's a waste of time, but it's hysterical. Peachy coaches Jan not to give up with the claim that she's "still alive," but then immediately rubs it in: "Everybody's got four except Jan." By this point, Clay is in the lead with five letters, followed closely by Brian. At the rope pull, Clay gets lucky on the first one, while Brian has to try again. When Brian reaches the trunk, Peachy calls out that there a "nice little surprise in there," which looks like raw fish. In any case, the blow-by-blow of the first part of the challenge matters very little, as it all comes down to the unscrambling part. Peachy reminds them that they're looking for "two words when put together are an activity."

We see the unscrambling S5, and then Brian casually announces, "I got it right here, Jeff." Peachy hustles over, stares, and then perplexedly asks, "What're you spelling?" as we that Brian has spelled out "RAOD TRIP." Brian -- not yet realizing that he's got it wrong -- loudly tells Peachy that he was going for "ROAD TRIP," and Peachy responds -- equally loudly -- "That's not ROAD TRIP." Ted's ears prick up and he bustles about unscrambling the letters into the words he just overheard. He then announces, "Road Trip!" like he came up with it himself, and Peachy proclaims him the winner. Ted bounds across the field, yelling, "We got a truck, baby!" and throws himself onto the ground in a bizarre semi-somersault. He waves his hands in the air and yells upward that he "did it for you, baby!" but it's not clear whether the "baby" in question is Itty Bitty Baby Ted or God. Helen and Jan, meanwhile, are interested in knowing what the answer was, and Brian bitterly reveals that it was "Road Trip," before heading over to congratulate Ted with a high five and the backhanded "Shouldn't've yelled it out." Clay, in a not particularly earnest way, adds, "Way to go, Ted." Peachy offers true congratulations to Ted, but thinks the reward won't be any fun without someone to share it with. He thinks that picking a partner at this point in the game might be difficult, but Ted doesn't delay before claiming that Helen kept him from being voted out at one point, and he owes her. Helen happily runs over and head-butts him in thanks before wiping her hands off on her legs in a weirdly dramatic way. Peachy makes a big show of giving them directions to the spa, and sends them off with the claim that a "day of relaxation" awaits.