“ Jake liked the 'ath-uh-letic lookin' people.' He picked his tribe mates based on 'that gleam in their eye' which we now know in Robb's case was less 'competitive spirit' and more 'throat-grabbing crazy.' ”
Placed together -- oft as they are throughout advertisements for these clips shows -- these words read "never before seen," or, according to their dictionary definitions, "on no occasion [ly] viewed with the eye." And since what I'm about to recap could hardly be described as new, and -- unless that same dictionary defines "highlights" as "complete and total crap" -- either the viewing audience has once again been duped, or Mark Burnett would do well to purchase a dictionary of his very own.
I mean, I gathered my family for this?
But onto my standard disclaimer: this is not a re-recap, and oddly enough, the fact that I refuse to write about material we already saw in the episodes doesn't result in only three paragraphs. So if you want to know what happened the first time around, go back and read the recap. I won't risk making the same bad joke twice. Unless it was a really, really good joke in which case I might be unable to resist.
And thus -- after quite possibly the longest prologue or series of prologues to a Television Without Pity recap -- it begins:
As the camera zooms over Thailand's scenery, Peachy voiceovers that in this "special" episode, we will look back at the first 30 days of Survivor: Thailand through a series of "highlights" and "never-before-seen" footage. As usual, we're shown almost all of the new stuff within the first minute-long introductory segment: Jake is convinced that the canoe weighs 2,321 pounds, Clay is officially deemed an "ass man," and Grindia's a diva and you're not. I think I speak for us all when I say that if "Ghandia" is indeed the definition of "diva," then I'm pleased to say I am definitively not one.
A sound effect gongs as we see a silhouetted Thai man. On Day 1, the S16 ducked under someone's backyard clothesline, but we don't see Robb and his skateboard. Peachy narrates that the S16 knew there would be surprises ahead, and we are reminded by Bootee #1 John that they were initially led to believe the tribes would be split by gender. Instead, they were chosen by Jake and Jan in keeping with the Thai culture's respect for their elders. Because the rest of us kick our great-grandparents straight to the curb. Jan cried because she wasn't a leader, and Jake liked the "ath-uh-letic lookin' people." He picked his tribe mates based on "that gleam in their eye" which we now know in Robb's case was less "competitive spirit" and more "throat-grabbing crazy." Jan, meanwhile, based her selections on, well, God knows what, but still managed -- as we also now know -- to come out ahead.
A Closer Look
“ John tells us that the experience was 'humiliating,' and being voted off 'hurts too bad.' He expected to win the game, but now knows he'll 'go down in history' as the first person voted out of the fifth season. Considering I'm hard-pressed to tell you the names of the four people voted off first in seasons one through four, it's not such a bad place to be. ”
Remember when Jake bemoaned his enthusiastic yet clueless tribe while Robb swung from tree branches like the chimpanzee he was and still--wherever he is--continues to be?
New footage awaits us at Chuay Gahn, where Peachy voiceovers that the tribe was quick to make use of their natural cave, while John was quick to delegate chores. A fat-faced Clay complains that John tried to start a fire without first "hunting" for dry materials and was ordering the others around while he tried to "strike leaves." Clay says John "done pissed everybody out" because every time they suggest something he responds, "Oh no no no, oh no no, oh no." When Ted suggests that they chop up the wood they've collected so far, John applauds his brilliance then immediately shoots him down. Clay, meanwhile, has a "real good idea" of his own. He proposes, "If we don 't have it, let's all go find some!" He further complains about John's over-zealous delegation before looking into the camera and snitting, "Why don't you come help us?" After numerous attempts, the fire ignites and is then quickly extinguished by something Clay throws into it. He stomps off in irritation while a concerned John watches him go. In a confessional, Clay tells us that he and John think alike as far as "compassion to family." So John also condones the ass-whupping of two year-olds? In terms of "wilderness outdoor surviving," however, Clay says that he and John don't think alike at all. Seconds later, Clay is back at camp and laughing during more fire starting efforts, so either these segments were pieced together out of chronological order, or he quickly got over his pissiness at John.
Meanwhile, at Night 1 on Sook Jai, Robb wanted Shii Devil to show him her hands, but she refused, which was exactly his point, dude. Robb wanted to sleep, and wanted to know how Shii Devil slept, but you did not mess with the Shii Devil and not get the horns, okay?
Tanya spewed watery vomit, and Chuay Gahn scaled a mountain in search of a clean drinking source.
In the first immunity challenge, Chuay Gahn proved that they weren't "a bunch of old fogies" by taking an early lead, while Grindia did nothing to prove that she wasn't "a bunch of middle-aged stupid" by screwing up the puzzle challenge. Ted yelled encouragements while Grindia screamed and jiggled obnoxiously in response.
As we go to the first Chuay Gahn Tribal Council, a new confessional from post-boot John explains how he felt. And blank-faced John could so be goon-faced Neleh's father. In any case, he reveals that he felt confident Grindia would be voted off so the first "John" vote caused a "bump in the pit of [his] heart." His heart has a pit? With the second "John" vote, he suspected that things might be headed in a bad direction; with the third, he realized that there was a secret alliance. At that point, he wanted to jump up and scream, "Stop the music!" And really, who could blame him? After five seasons I think we're all a little ripe for the occasional change of soundtrack. John tells us that the experience was "humiliating," and being voted off "hurts too bad." He expected to win the game, but now knows he'll "go down in history" as the first person voted out of the fifth season. Considering I'm hard-pressed to tell you the names of the four people voted off first in seasons one through four, it's not such a bad place to be. He's had far less opportunity to do embarrassing things which Mark Burnett would have then crafted into even more embarrassing footage to be viewed by all of John's family and friends.
A Closer Look
Remember when Erin wiped out during the flower petal immunity challenge? Well, they don't show it here, but it was pretty funny.
Instead, Peachy credits Stompanie with winning the victory for Sook Jai, so Chuay Gahn heads to their second Tribal Council, where post-boot Tanya tells us that hearing her name was not a good feeling because she thought people didn't like her or want her around. She claims, "It's not very good for the self-esteem." She says that when Peachy snuffed her torch it was like a "light going out," completely missing the fact that with the snuffing of the torch an actual light did go out. She was sad to realize she'd no longer be with her tribe, and disheartened because her part of the game had ended. Had Tanya stuck around, she would have given Clay and Penny a run for their money in the strongest Southern accent competition.
On Night 6, three half moons converge into one just like they did the first time we saw them. It's like on when the same three random students walked across the West Beverly quad during the opening credits of each episode. And yes. I watched a whole lot of .
Grindia accused Ted of "specifically" grinding against her, then accepted his apology and forgave him. Except not really.
But first, in the second reward challenge, Robb gave Chuay Gahn the finger, and then attempted to throttle Clay, which caused Peachy to pricelessly call him out for "grab[bing] Clay around the throat." If I had to make an argument for one clip worth showing again, it would be this challenge. Really, they should have just shown it over and over again for the full hour. After nearly the entire Sook Jai tribe was disqualified for dirty fighting, Chuay Gahn won themselves some slaves-for-a day. Then Robb called Clay a "weak little whiny punk," and wanted to spit in his face. Hee. That's still funny.
Now remember when I said Grindia accepted Ted's apology and forgave him? Well she didn't! Which we'd all be shocked and dismayed to learn if we hadn't already sat through it the first time. Grindia thought everyone in the tribe should know that Ted was "sexy biting" on her, but really, no one should have to know that. Helen didn't think it was "cool." Blah blah Grindia's side of the story. Blah blah Ted's side of the story. Grindia screamed and threw things and kicked trees and wanted to "punch [Ted's] ass in the eye." Incidentally, the editors didn't see fit to include Grindia's "punch his ass in the eye" comment, but I couldn't resist the opportunity to throw it in again. Then Clay admitted to "whupping" his two-year-old and Grindia said, "To me I got the feeling that you was tryin' to get wit [sic] me." But Ted didn't need to get wit her; he wasn't even attracted to her! He looked pretty attracted during the earlier photo shoot, though.