Before officially beginning this week's special clips show recap, I would like to get a few things straight with Mark Burnett, so here goes.
The dictionary defines the subsequent words as follows:
never (n v r)
adv.
1. Not ever; on no occasion; at no time.
2. Not at all; in no way; absolutely not.
before (b -fôr , -f r )
adj.
1. Earlier in time.
2. In front; ahead.
prep.
1. to in time; earlier than.
2. In front of.
3. In store for; awaiting.
4. Into or in the presence of.
5. Under the consideration or jurisdiction of.
6. In a position superior to.
conj.
1. In advance of the time when.
2. Rather than; sooner than.
see (s )
v. saw (sô), seen (s n), see·ing, sees.
1. To perceive with the eye.
a. To apprehend as if with the eye.
b. To detect by means analogous to use of the eye.
2. To have a mental image of; visualize.
3. To understand; comprehend.
4. To consider to be; regard.
5. To believe possible; imagine.
6. To foresee.
7. To know through firsthand experience; undergo.
8. To give rise to or be characterized by.
9. To find out; ascertain.
10. To refer to; read.
11. To take note of; recognize.
12. To meet or be in the company of.
13. To share the companionship of often or regularly.
a. To visit socially; call on.
b. To visit for consultation.
14. To admit or receive, as for consultation or a social visit.
15. To attend; view.
16. To escort; attend.
17. To make sure; take care.
18. Games.
a. To meet (a bet) in card games.
b.To meet the bet of (another player).
Placed together -- oft as they are throughout advertisements for these clips shows -- these words read "never before seen," or, according to their dictionary definitions, "on no occasion [ly] viewed with the eye." And since what I'm about to recap could hardly be described as new, and -- unless that same dictionary defines "highlights" as "complete and total crap" -- either the viewing audience has once again been duped, or Mark Burnett would do well to purchase a dictionary of his very own.
I mean, I gathered my family for this?
But onto my standard disclaimer: this is not a re-recap, and oddly enough, the fact that I refuse to write about material we already saw in the episodes doesn't result in only three paragraphs. So if you want to know what happened the first time around, go back and read the recap. I won't risk making the same bad joke twice. Unless it was a really, really good joke in which case I might be unable to resist.
And thus -- after quite possibly the longest prologue or series of prologues to a Television Without Pity recap -- it begins:
As the camera zooms over Thailand's scenery, Peachy voiceovers that in this "special" episode, we will look back at the first 30 days of Survivor: Thailand through a series of "highlights" and "never-before-seen" footage. As usual, we're shown almost all of the new stuff within the first minute-long introductory segment: Jake is convinced that the canoe weighs 2,321 pounds, Clay is officially deemed an "ass man," and Grindia's a diva and you're not. I think I speak for us all when I say that if "Ghandia" is indeed the definition of "diva," then I'm pleased to say I am definitively not one.
A sound effect gongs as we see a silhouetted Thai man. On Day 1, the S16 ducked under someone's backyard clothesline, but we don't see Robb and his skateboard. Peachy narrates that the S16 knew there would be surprises ahead, and we are reminded by Bootee #1 John that they were initially led to believe the tribes would be split by gender. Instead, they were chosen by Jake and Jan in keeping with the Thai culture's respect for their elders. Because the rest of us kick our great-grandparents straight to the curb. Jan cried because she wasn't a leader, and Jake liked the "ath-uh-letic lookin' people." He picked his tribe mates based on "that gleam in their eye" which we now know in Robb's case was less "competitive spirit" and more "throat-grabbing crazy." Jan, meanwhile, based her selections on, well, God knows what, but still managed -- as we also now know -- to come out ahead.
Remember when Jake bemoaned his enthusiastic yet clueless tribe while Robb swung from tree branches like the chimpanzee he was and still--wherever he is--continues to be?
New footage awaits us at Chuay Gahn, where Peachy voiceovers that the tribe was quick to make use of their natural cave, while John was quick to delegate chores. A fat-faced Clay complains that John tried to start a fire without first "hunting" for dry materials and was ordering the others around while he tried to "strike leaves." Clay says John "done pissed everybody out" because every time they suggest something he responds, "Oh no no no, oh no no, oh no." When Ted suggests that they chop up the wood they've collected so far, John applauds his brilliance then immediately shoots him down. Clay, meanwhile, has a "real good idea" of his own. He proposes, "If we don 't have it, let's all go find some!" He further complains about John's over-zealous delegation before looking into the camera and snitting, "Why don't you come help us?" After numerous attempts, the fire ignites and is then quickly extinguished by something Clay throws into it. He stomps off in irritation while a concerned John watches him go. In a confessional, Clay tells us that he and John think alike as far as "compassion to family." So John also condones the ass-whupping of two year-olds? In terms of "wilderness outdoor surviving," however, Clay says that he and John don't think alike at all. Seconds later, Clay is back at camp and laughing during more fire starting efforts, so either these segments were pieced together out of chronological order, or he quickly got over his pissiness at John.
Meanwhile, at Night 1 on Sook Jai, Robb wanted Shii Devil to show him her hands, but she refused, which was exactly his point, dude. Robb wanted to sleep, and wanted to know how Shii Devil slept, but you did not mess with the Shii Devil and not get the horns, okay?
Tanya spewed watery vomit, and Chuay Gahn scaled a mountain in search of a clean drinking source.
In the first immunity challenge, Chuay Gahn proved that they weren't "a bunch of old fogies" by taking an early lead, while Grindia did nothing to prove that she wasn't "a bunch of middle-aged stupid" by screwing up the puzzle challenge. Ted yelled encouragements while Grindia screamed and jiggled obnoxiously in response.
As we go to the first Chuay Gahn Tribal Council, a new confessional from post-boot John explains how he felt. And blank-faced John could so be goon-faced Neleh's father. In any case, he reveals that he felt confident Grindia would be voted off so the first "John" vote caused a "bump in the pit of [his] heart." His heart has a pit? With the second "John" vote, he suspected that things might be headed in a bad direction; with the third, he realized that there was a secret alliance. At that point, he wanted to jump up and scream, "Stop the music!" And really, who could blame him? After five seasons I think we're all a little ripe for the occasional change of soundtrack. John tells us that the experience was "humiliating," and being voted off "hurts too bad." He expected to win the game, but now knows he'll "go down in history" as the first person voted out of the fifth season. Considering I'm hard-pressed to tell you the names of the four people voted off first in seasons one through four, it's not such a bad place to be. He's had far less opportunity to do embarrassing things which Mark Burnett would have then crafted into even more embarrassing footage to be viewed by all of John's family and friends.
With more new footage on Day 4, we learn that Ted brought a shaving kit as his luxury item. If you like to watch men cavalierly swipe very sharp instruments over their exposed pates, then this footage is for you. And if you like funky music playing in the background while said men cavalierly swipe very sharp instruments over their exposed pates, you're in even greater luck. Ted explains that he shaves his head every three days, which happens to coincide with Tribal Council. He thinks it appropriately "start[s] a new, renewed spirit." New and renewed? Well, that's pretty darned new, I guess. As Ted continues to shave and shave and shave, Brian points out that he's into the "beauty stuff, " and most likely has "facials, manicures, as well as pedicures." And really, who is Brian to talk about vanity? A shaving cream-covered Ted -- which is so much less cool-looking than a gold paint-covered Ted -- tells us that shaving gives him a new tradition and a new outlook -- "a new start over, if you will." And again with the new, and the start? He announces that shaving feels good, and boasts that the others will never know just how great a good head-shaving feels. He says nothing about how great a good grinding feels.
When Stompanie wondered how the others would fare if she and Jed were taken out of the equation, I bet she didn't realize how quickly we'd find that out.
Ted dug in the sand while Clay celebrated a hole-in-one on their makeshift golf course, and Helen wanted to shoot Jan, which is why she doesn't carry a gun.
By now we're onto Day 5, and it's time for some new footage! A sports-bra-clad Grindia assumes a series of poses and facial expressions while Ted points an imaginary camera at her. In a confessional, Brian explains that Grindia is the "diva of the group" and she "loves to act like her picture's bein' taken anytime, uh, the word diva's called." Someone should have called "diva" every time Grindia popped a squat, then. Grindia strikes more poses, this time in a much more flattering black maillot. A drooling Ted urges her to wait while he fetches his "camera," while in the background an annoyed Clay wonders why Erin can't just once be the diva. In another confessional, Brian clarifies that it's only Ted encouraging Grindia's diva shtick before twitching and rolling his shoulders as he says it's, "Left, right, left, right. Vogue." Clearly he has some experience with this. He thinks it's "funny as heck," and then tells Grindia that she looks like she "dropped ten." She says, "No way!" but Brian insists, adding, "You're lookin' good, too!" As he walks away, Grindia proudly grabs her stomach and commences with more pleased posing. Ted, who apparently can't stand the thought of missing a single second of it, orders Grindia to stop so he can go get his "camera"; he then tells us in a confessional that they call her the "diva queen" and he "role play[s]" as the cameraman by taking pictures in different poses like a "New York photo shoot for Vogue or something." Okay, so Ted's an eight year-old girl. As Grindia poses, he encourages her to "work it" before pretending to change film. In a confessional Grindia tells us that she likes "the whole model scene, and adds, "You know, because I'm fine. I realize that." To her credit, she says this in a self-mocking way. I think. I hope. She admits that she doesn't have a "regular, like, skinny model body," and claims, "I'm just a big girl." This is meanly accompanied by a close-up shot of her robust physique. Grindia explains that the other members of the tribe play into her "supermodel fantasy" and that's fine with her. In fact, she tells us, "I dig it, man!" Sitting on a log with Tanya and Jan, Grindia speculates that the girls on the other team must wonder who she thinks she is calling herself a diva. Her response is, "I'm a diva and you're not!" An uninterested Tanya looks away while Jan exclaims, "That's a fact!" Grindia concludes this segment by insisting that, "If you look up 'diva' in the dictionary, it's 'Ghandia.'" She then assumes a distinctly un-supermodel-like fist at the camera.
Remember when Erin wiped out during the flower petal immunity challenge? Well, they don't show it here, but it was pretty funny.
Instead, Peachy credits Stompanie with winning the victory for Sook Jai, so Chuay Gahn heads to their second Tribal Council, where post-boot Tanya tells us that hearing her name was not a good feeling because she thought people didn't like her or want her around. She claims, "It's not very good for the self-esteem." She says that when Peachy snuffed her torch it was like a "light going out," completely missing the fact that with the snuffing of the torch an actual light did go out. She was sad to realize she'd no longer be with her tribe, and disheartened because her part of the game had ended. Had Tanya stuck around, she would have given Clay and Penny a run for their money in the strongest Southern accent competition.
On Night 6, three half moons converge into one just like they did the first time we saw them. It's like on when the same three random students walked across the West Beverly quad during the opening credits of each episode. And yes. I watched a whole lot of .
Grindia accused Ted of "specifically" grinding against her, then accepted his apology and forgave him. Except not really.
But first, in the second reward challenge, Robb gave Chuay Gahn the finger, and then attempted to throttle Clay, which caused Peachy to pricelessly call him out for "grab[bing] Clay around the throat." If I had to make an argument for one clip worth showing again, it would be this challenge. Really, they should have just shown it over and over again for the full hour. After nearly the entire Sook Jai tribe was disqualified for dirty fighting, Chuay Gahn won themselves some slaves-for-a day. Then Robb called Clay a "weak little whiny punk," and wanted to spit in his face. Hee. That's still funny.
Now remember when I said Grindia accepted Ted's apology and forgave him? Well she didn't! Which we'd all be shocked and dismayed to learn if we hadn't already sat through it the first time. Grindia thought everyone in the tribe should know that Ted was "sexy biting" on her, but really, no one should have to know that. Helen didn't think it was "cool." Blah blah Grindia's side of the story. Blah blah Ted's side of the story. Grindia screamed and threw things and kicked trees and wanted to "punch [Ted's] ass in the eye." Incidentally, the editors didn't see fit to include Grindia's "punch his ass in the eye" comment, but I couldn't resist the opportunity to throw it in again. Then Clay admitted to "whupping" his two-year-old and Grindia said, "To me I got the feeling that you was tryin' to get wit [sic] me." But Ted didn't need to get wit her; he wasn't even attracted to her! He looked pretty attracted during the earlier photo shoot, though.
A dejected Sook Jai didn't care if they won the immunity. Erin -- in possibly her first speaking words of the season -- announced that they were ready to get rid of some people. "Get rid of some people," they did, though not in the way Erin had in mind.
Meanwhile at Sook Jai, Robb spazzed out after being bitten by a sea creature. He threw a temper tantrum on the beach, and Shii Devil -- after doing a bang-on imitation -- urged him to be a mature person.
In the immunity challenge, Clay hit Brian in the head with a raw fish, but the tribe still managed to "sort their way to victory." So Sook Jai headed off to Tribal Council, and Stompanie, looking very Sarah Jessica Parker-ish in a post-boot confessional, is still stuck on the whole difference-in-priorities thing. She's obviously not over the boot, and claims to have "busted [her] ass" getting water for the tribe. Stompanie insists that she wasn't in the game for the money, but to challenge herself and have an adventure. She says she did exactly that. Her hair looks much better wavy and down then in the Laura Ingalls braids.
On Day 16, Robb suspected Ken of manipulating the votes. Robb's not fucking stupid! Except he totally is. The Sook Jai tribe managed to get along after winning a reward challenge feast, and Shii Devil learned that having friends feels nice. Then Robb burped.
Chuay Gahn won the logic puzzle immunity challenge, which many people think Shii Devil threw. Back at camp, Robb said, "Amen, bro," when Ken called him a good man. Then off to Tribal Council they went, where Robb got voted out and encouraged the others to at least spell his name with the proper "two Bs." In his post-boot commentary, Robb tells us he's surprised to have lasted so long because of his young age and outspokenness. He wishes he didn't get into the stupid argument with Ken because he felt like he was trying to "have a petty squabble" with a cop over a speeding ticket. He congratulates himself for lasting eighteen days "without tryin' to screw with anyone's head." Screwing with their throats is an entirely different matter.
On Day 19, the tribes didn't merge.
They did, however, think they merged, when Peachy announced they would now live together on one beach. Ambassadors from each tribe selected Chuay Gahn, and then the group cheered and declared themselves a family. Later, blue Jan didn't want to be the statue anymore, and Shii Devil enjoyed making friends without being judged. In the post non-merge celebration, a drunken Jan bit it, and Brian showed the others he was human and "one of them" by puking. Chuay Gahn made a play for Shii Devil's vote, and she was "working a deal" to vote Penny off.
Prior to the immunity challenge, the tribes learned that the merge we now know didn't happen didn't, well, happen. Peachy certainly didn't say anything to give them that impression, did he? So they still competed as individual tribes, and were finally put where they belong: in jail. Seriously, Survivor could in most cases borrow it's ending from Seinfeld. Ted managed to squeeze through a very small space, and Chuay Gahn won the challenge. Sook Jai headed directly to Tribal Council, where potential traitor Shii Devil called Penny "manipoolative" and then met her untimely fate. In her post-boot confessional, Shii Devil says she stirred things up and let it "all come out." She proudly announces, "I'm liberated!" And then she also rambles about herself in the third person -- what's with that? -- by saying, "The Shii Devil is here. I'm here to stir up a leeeettle trouble for all the rest of you. So now you know what the real game is, and now you can all go fight amongst yourselves. I'll just be over hear munching on this chicken neck." Except without that last part.
On Day 22, Helen became Australian and ate noodles resembling her snaggleteeth.
Also that day in new footage, Clay eyeballs Erin's butt and mutters -- for likely the seven millionth time in his life -- "Nice ass." He tells Brian that he's older and wiser and wants to clue him in to Erin's fine, ahem, assets. Clay then announces that with Erin around he needs to remind himself what his wife looks like. In a giggly confessional Jan says, "He's an ass-man, apparently." She thinks it's "cute" and "darling." Clay says Erin has a "little racehorse," and adds that his wife is a "Russian racehorse." He gets himself all flustered and worked up while he tries to explain the concept of a "racehorse ass," which, judging by his gesture, has a little slope to it. Peaking at Erin, he explains she has "one of those butts that just -- you know those little racehorses prancin' out there? She's beautiful!" And if it weren't so funny, it'd be pretty disturbing. Jan tells us that Clay mentions his wife 87 times a day, and he talks about her ass too. She says it's part of his personality and shouldn't be offensive to anyone.
What is offensive is the gong and the close-up of Erin's ass while she's bent over. I mean, the competitors are lecherous pigs. Fine. But the cameramen? As Clay looks on, he says "hmmmm," before telling us in a confessional that Erin's a "neat girl," and "Isn't she a bubbaloo?" He claims that he only looks if Erin is in front of him and "they're cute little butts, I'm not gonna lie." We see shots of Erin walking away from the camera and clearly her ass is so fine even she can't resist grabbing it. As the tribe sits around the fire Clay tells us that "you could actually see the blaze glittering and glowin' on her butt." He wanted to let her know that "her butt was on fire," and not, it turns out, in the literal sense. As a delighted Clay reclines, he announces, "I can tell you right now, Erin. You got the prettiest ass around here glowin' in that fire." Erin laughs the comment off by apologizing for sticking her ass in his face, and Clay says it's fine by him; he just wanted her to know "the sun was kinda glantin' [sic] off that baby."
Later, Ken speaks aloud to Jake what we've all been thinking: "that is one crazy sonofabitch." Clay returns from fetching the treemail on Day 23. Here we learn that the tribes received a previously unrevealed reward: a new mask, snorkel and fins. Penny tells us that the men were even more "tickled" by the snorkel equipment than the women, who thought, "We can sit back and talk recipes." And that's not one of those "except for that last part" recap jokes. We see underwater shots of Jake and Brian attempting to fish while Helen tells us that they have this "Lord of the Flies dream," that they'll go out and immediately stab lots of fish, but it's very difficult to do. Brian clichés that fishing without the right spear is like trying to find a needle in a haystack.
we see the snorkel challenge, and now can deduce that Brian and Jake did so well because they'd had more practice than the others. Peachy once again claims that Jake "faltered," despite the fact that he beat all of the other competitors except Brian. I still don't get that. In any case, Sook Jai went to their fourth Tribal Council in a row where they voted off Erin, thus forcing Clay and his ass fixation to focus on those of Brian and an elephant. Post-boot Erin tells us that Sook Jai thought they were so strong, but realized as soon as they got to Chuay Gahn that the other tribe had a better bond. She says she learned through the experience not to take things for granted and that "first impressions really aren't true." And that's quite a concept for a fully grown woman to absorb. The rest of us didn't learn that in kindergarten or anything. Erin tells us that Sook Jai had "really big heads" from the beginning of the game. Not to mention -- in her case -- really big breasts.
It's now time for new night vision footage, and an all-new scuttling crab. Bonus! Other creatures, including what might be a rat, dart about the sleeping tribes while horror music plays in the background. Jake sleeps on his back with both hands balled up into tight little fists on his chest. And either that's recycled footage, or Jake always sleeps in that bizarre position. And I think it's the latter, since I recall seeing the same thing earlier when they were still at Sook Jai's camp. The rat continues to poke around and then some kind of giant, buzzing, winged bug makes an appearance. First Jake pops up and begins swatting, then Brian. Jake explains in a confessional that he suddenly heard "a racket" and then something came up and hit him in the head. He says it "sounded like it had, like, ten wings or something." You wouldn't think a ten-winged insect would be of much concern for an ankle-breaking, plane-jumping, deer butt-shooting adventurer like Jake, but apparently so. Jake makes a humming noise in imitation, before more footage reveals him swatting so enthusiastically at the bug that he topples over backwards while in the background Penny wonders if it's a bat. In a confessional, Clay is amused that Jake and Brian "got pecked by a bug." He says he never saw or heard it, but the others got pretty worked up over it. As we see the accompanying footage, Jake tells us he just reached over and swatted something. We see a scuttling crab-shaped splotch on the sand behind him.
On Day 26, everything changed again: the remaining competitors were forced to wear really ugly, bright yellow buffs. Oh, and they merged, too. Really.
week on Survivor, Jake looks pensive while Clay speaks his mind about the last Tribal Council. It's a "reward with a twist" this week, and Helen completely freaks out over something off camera. The prize must be a cookbook!