While the Cats Are Away

Previously on Survivor, the tribe merged into Chuay Jai. Chuay Jai. To borrow a likely phrase from Rudy, what the hell kind of name is Chuay Jai? In any case, Clay was -- for the umpteenth time -- "gon' tell you what" about his outlook on the game. Then Ted needed his "me time," and the former members of Chuay Gahn got tired or him. Or maybe they didn't and just told Jake they did. In any case, Clay excelled at the map-reading challenge, and knew he looked sexy in the spiky, gold immunity necklace. Then the tribe spoke to Ken in that night's Tribal Council. Seven are left. Who will be voted out tonight?

It's dawn on Day 28. A crab scuttles by. A scuttling crab! I've missed them so! Helen and Jan paddle the canoe while Jake strokes his beard and Ted stares pensively into the surf. In an interview, Ted tells us that he received three unexpected votes in the night's Tribal Council. He immediately knew they came from Sook Jai, but he's still trying to figure out why. Jake ambles over, sits beside Ted, and attempts to explain himself. When he says that the former members of Sook Jai didn't know for whom to vote, Ted points out that they did a bang-up job of coordinating themselves despite their uncertainty. Jake then reveals to Ted that a Chuay Gahn tribe member told each of the Sook Jais to vote either for Ken or Ted. Jake would "rather not say," however, which tribe member it was, and Ted effectively conveys his disbelief with a brief "Oh." Jake panders that they should have voted with their hearts and not "messed with that," but they felt clueless since it was their first vote as a merged tribe. Ted apologizes that the vote didn't work the way Sook Jai wanted it to -- does that mean he's apologizing for not getting voted out? -- and concludes, "But you did what you did," before shooting Jake a sideways dirty look. In an interview, Ted tells us that despite Jake's assertions, he doesn't believe anyone told the members of Sook Jai to vote against him. Instead, he thinks that they are intimidated by him as a threat in the game: "Or, um, they just don't like me." Poor, nave Ted sounds so sad when considering that the others might not like him. Ted reassures Jake that their conversation will remain between the two of them, but then tells us in an interview that he and Jake were both lying to each other, and that he doesn't have a problem with that because it's the nature of the game.

Jake washes laundry while Ted looks over, says, "Jake the Snake," and then makes "mmmm, mmmm, mmmm" sounds. But not the hungry kind of "mmmm, mmmm, mmmm" sounds. Because that would be weird. Ted tells Clay and Brian about his conversation with Jake; he says that when Jake wouldn't discuss his source, he thought, "Whatever." Ted then completely misses the exchanged glances between Brian and Clay, not to mention the nervous snickering, frantic elbowing, finger-pointing, panicked tics, and the large sign reading, "We did it!" Clay tells us in an interview that the night's vote "kinda scared old Ted," because he didn't like seeing his name written down. A shifty-looking Brian claims to Ted that "the girls" didn't tell Jake for whom to vote, and he and Clay didn't, either. Incidentally, I believe I can safely call Brian "shifty" without risk of offending the autistic community. Ted assures Brian that he has nothing to worry about -- he insists that when Jake shared this "bull john," he didn't believe him. And I really do think he said "bull john." Clay smugly tells us that it will be a cold day in hell when Ted believes Jake; Ted doesn't know he instigated those votes and never will, because the members of Chuay Gahn have been "too true" to Ted and he has no reason to distrust them. Brian feigns outrage as he asks, "What's he thinkin' just comin' over here start playin' both sides?" He claims it was a "bad business decision." Lots of pensive beard-stroking follows on the part of all of Chuay Jai's bearded men and Helen. Brian voice-overs that he and Clay are being played by Jake, and he's surprised that "a man of [Jake's] age and his stature" would suck up to Ted and then vote against him later. Such behavior is not only expected but condoned, however, from those with the "stature" of used-car salesmen and porn stars. Brian calls Jake insecure and says "the air, the heat, the whole, uh, jungle experience" might be getting to him. He adds that it's getting to all of them, because food gets scarcer every day, and it's increasingly difficult to maintain their situation. He preaches, "Those that lose their cool...they're the ones that might have a problem here, uh, sooner than later."

We see shots of various tribe members working around camp as Jake returns from an unsuccessful food-foraging expedition. He promises to go out again, before Clay tells us in an interview that they haven't caught a crab in ten days because the tide won't go down. The girls are also amazed by the water's depth; Jan says she's never seen it like that before. In all her twenty-eight days in Thailand! Helen concludes that it's "part of the starvation thing out here -- keep the tide high 'til we go home, and we can't eat." And Mark Burnett may be good, but he's not that good. Jan says, "The only thing left to eat is you-know-what," and a five second period follows in which I wonder what disgusting thing "you-know-what" could be. Monkey dung? Urine-soaked sand balls? Penny's sweaty chest buff? Then Jan informs us that "you-know-what" is actually snails, which Helen flat-out refuses to eat, thus single-handedly proving how far from starving they really are. Clay tells us -- genius that he is -- that since the chickens are gone, "[they're] eatin' chicken feed that come [sic] with the chickens to feed them to take care of them." Winning a big meal would give him enough energy to climb over a cliff, but much of the viewing audience would prefer it give him the energy to climb off a cliff. The camera pans over Penny's bony belly, but it's not particularly dramatic, since her belly was bony to begin with.

It's suddenly time for the challenge, and maybe I'm speaking to soon, but they appear to have completely done away with the clues. Whew-hoo! The camera pans over a bunch of colorful, obstacle-course-looking things. Peachy welcomes the tribe to "another hot day in paradise," and then reveals that the reward challenge is a four-part obstacle course, with each stage designed to eliminate players. The first phase of the challenge is called "Blown Bridge," which they'll run it in pairs. However, one of the S7 won't get to run it at all because on Peachy's self-important "go!" the odd man out will be eliminated immediately. Jan seems to think this is really amusing, but I think it's harsh. The remaining six players will in pairs maneuver across six "towers" of a color-coded course using two planks. If they fall off, both members have to go back to the beginning and start over again. The first two pairs advance to the "Belly Crawl," which is aptly named: they will crawl on their bellies military-style under a bamboo course. Three then move on to the wall-scaling phase, in which they are required to use the aid of one of their competitors to progress. The remaining two will race along a series of bamboo balance beams to the finish line. The reward is a display of Thailand's varied transportation system: rides on/in a boat, helicopter, van, and elephant. Not to mention the rickshaw, tandem bicycle, and bobsled. They also get Thai lunch. Peachy embarrasses himself even more than usual by announcing that the best part of the challenge is that it's free, because "Visa, baby, is pickin' it up!" I hope Visa paid him a godawful lot of money to muster up that much excitement over a credit card. I guess I can see how credit would be exciting for Clay, at least.

The S7 assume their places, and on Peachy's start, pair up. Actually, Clay and Brian pair up on Peachy's start while the others fumble around and look confused. Basically, every other person ends up pairing with the person to his or her left; Jake, who has no one to his left, ends up without a partner. He seems to have missed the fact that this would eliminate him and starts running before stopping and looking curiously at Peachy, who tells him to have a seat. Jake looks wistfully at the other competitors before sitting down. So Jan and Helen are one pair and Penny and Ted are the other. We see shots of lots of wobbly, walking competitors before Clay and Brian -- who clearly work well together -- complete the course. The other teams are having a little more difficulty. Ted decides to hold one end of the board while Penny walks across to the other side, which is supported by the tower, but Peachy stops them before they kill themselves. He says they'll have to use only the boards to get across. Not that using only the boards would prevent serious injury, as Jan stomps onto an ill-secured board and takes a major digger. Actually, she pretty much jumps off the plank after having decent opportunity to right herself. She falls about four feet and lands on her feet, but Peachy still makes a very delayed, cringing face. He recovers and orders Helen and Jan back to the start, and Helen asks, "The start?" in an annoyed voice. She doesn't move, and Peachy snits that she should "hustle up," because it's a whole new race. He also tells both groups to make sure their boards are secured because "there's a way this'll work and way you'll get hurt." Although Helen and Jan make decent headway, Ted guides Penny across the finish line then tiptoes his way across the last board after checking that it's "nice and firm, right?" And those are some boards, because Ted weighs about three and a half Pennys. So he and Penny advance to the round, while dejected Helen and Jan take a seat on the losers' bench.

In the belly-crawl leg, Ted may be strong but Clay's the weasel -- he's used to functioning close by the ground. Actually, they're all kind of weaselly, so for once, it's a challenge that makes use of their skills. You'd think Penny's smallness would give her an advantage, but she finishes last, behind Clay, Ted, and Brian, respectively. Yay! Watching Penny lose is fun.

According to Peachy, the third leg of the challenge is both "physical" (getting over the wall) and "political" (using the aid of another tribe member). Brian reaches the wall first and immediately squats to give Clay a lift. It doesn't look all that clear to me that this was intended for Clay as much as for whoever managed to jump on first. Still, Brian had reason enough for picking Clay based on size alone. After all, I wouldn't want Big Ted stomping on my hand. Ted joins in shoving Clay's ass over the wall as Peachy points out that they're both making plays for Clay's support in return. Now Clay reaches back over the wall to pull either Brian or Ted over. He reaches for Brian, but Ted grabs at him as well. Clay hangs over the wall and Brian clings to one arm while Ted clings to the other. Peachy points out that both men are now making a play for Clay's support, and narrates back and forth, "He's takin' Brian. He's takin' Ted. Ted's tryin' to make him use 'im!" Neither man will let go, and just as it looks like Clay will actually be able to make use of his sleeveless shirt, Peachy tells him he has to choose someone. Clay manages to shake off Ted, and successfully pulls Brian over the wall. Ted walks away mumbling that he could have done it by himself.

Peachy attempts to incite the other players by pointing out that Clay and Brian began the game as partners and supported each other throughout the challenge. Now, however, they'll compete against each other in the final leg. As with the "Blown Bridge," a fall midway through the balance beam course requires that the competitor start over. Clay spazzes his way across the boards, while Brian takes a more methodical approach. And although Clay is much faster, he falls and has to begin again. As Brian plods along, we see Clay scurrying in the background to catch up. And though Clay's manic scrambling is a noble effort, Brian -- with Ted's "suck it up, baby" encouragement -- is just one leg away from the victory. He takes a slow, pronounced final step and claims the victory, although he doesn't look particularly happy about it. Peachy congratulates his nice recovery but points out that Clay is still in it. Peachy congratulates him: "Here you go, baby," and announces, "Your own VISA card!" Brian examines the card -- in his line of work, he's seen his fair share of fake plastic -- and then gives the thumbs up. Peachy reveals that that he can bring along a "partner to share this experience with." With this announcement, the other members of Chuay Gahn rise from the losers' bench and present themselves in a line before Brian. For no good reason, Penny looks like she thinks she's as good as picked, but instead Brian shmoozes that he "probably couldn't have accomplished this feat without the assistance of someone," and calls out Clay, saying he thinks Clay deserves half the win. Brian says, "I appreciate it," as Clay comes over for his requisite hug. Peachy dismisses them back to camp with the news that they'll be picked up first thing in the morning.

We see a preview for last week's C.S.I., which was clearly written in 1983.

It's raining at Chuay Jai on Day 29. Beads of rain collect on a leaf. Penny tries to wash herself in the downpour, while Ted exercises. He tells us in an interview that information is critical at this point in the game, and "one makes a grave, grave mistake" if one doesn't observe and gather information that will help in future decision-making. One also makes a grave, grave mistake if one doesn't observe that nighttime, uninvited grinding is not the best way to secure new friendships. Ted points out that Clay looks like he's going on a date, but he looks as grimy as ever to me. Clay responds that he is going on a date, and that he may even "stop off and have a brunch." Ted says, "D'oh!" but then earnestly wishes him a fun time. In an interview, Ted explains that losing the challenge was disappointing because he hates losing. He was also "shocked" when Brian picked Clay to go along with him. On the beach, Ted asks Brian, "What's that story? What's that story? You know what I'm sayin'?" and Brian just says "Okay," but high-fives Ted anyway. Out of this non-conversation, Ted concludes that nothing has changed, and they happily bid each other farewell. Ted then tells us that he knew Brian and Clay had bonded, but now he knows they're closer than he had thought.