True Lies

Previously on Survivor, everyone knew John was the leader at Rotu. Or at least John thought everyone knew he was the leader, but more likely everyone just knew he was delusional. Rob wanted to "get rid 'a" him, but they nevertheless cut a deal to stay together as Rotwo after the merger. Rotwo won immunity, causing Tammy to gyrate in a way that was not pleasing to Paschal. He did not hold her in contempt of court, however. Then, Gina was voted off by her "family" and headed back to meet up with former family member Hunter. And then Peachy locked them in an attic, and the Moppet was poisoned to death, and Gina danced ballet, and then her terrible grandmother cut off all her beautiful blonde locks, and then they combed each other's hair and bathed and had sweet, sib sex. In the V.C. Andrews version, anyway. Ten remain.

The sun peeks through palm fronds as the members of Maraanu work together. Kathy exclaims in the least convincing voice ever, "Huh! It's the skull of a man!" The skull-like skull lies in the dirt where it was most likely discovered two hours ago, when an unfortunate and now unemployed cameraman was off diddling around and missed the original footage. Paschal proclaims in this reenactment that it is "definitely a skull." They gather around, and Kathy is particularly interested in its eyeballs. Then, one of the female tribe members -- one with lots of matted hair on the back of her hands, incidentally -- pokes at it. Paschal tries to imagine how many centuries the skull has been buried, and then Neleh then gets excited to have found the skull's ribcage. Actually, skulls don't have ribcages, but she's excited to have found the ribcage affiliated with the skull. Paschal says in a Judge Judy-like way, "Do we agree that that's a Paepae?" They do agree, because of the even rock formation and not because Paschal will slap them down if they disagree like Judge Judy would. Kathy explains in a confessional that a Paepae is a Marquesan monument where they had ceremonies; she adds, "And where they even performed cannibalism." Neleh is amazed that "he" was buried inside of a wall, and then Kathy and Paschal diagnose that he suffered a "skull fracture" as the result of a "blunt trauma to the head." I always thought we'd hear those phrases only in relation to Rob's non-veiled threats, so it's a surprise. During this exchange, Neleh adds a new expression to her limited repertoire: her wrinkly nose expresses "ew." Or, "EW." Suddenly, we cut away to a swinging axe, which cleaves the skull. Except it's not the skull at all, but a skull-shaped coconut. It's like the scene in A Christmas Story when the boy who's not Ralphie -- the "Mommy's little piggy" son -- has to go to the bathroom, and just as the toilet seat is raised, we cut to the inside of a pot of a big, shitty-looking chili, so at first we're supposed to think the chili is in the toilet bowl. Except we're not supposed to think it's chili. Anyway, now Kathy carries wood and voice-overs that the night's Tribal Council was difficult. She says it was a tough vote; she was happy because the vote went her way, but she still felt bad when Gina left. She doesn't think she can break up the bond between Paschal and Neleh, and thinks she will be voted off if there's another Maraanu Tribal Council.

At Rotwo, the tribe members respond to the same clue. Tammy immediately takes control and translates the poem into a reasonable communication. She says, "There's a map here. We've got five minutes to pick one person, get them outfitted in long sleeves, pants, tennis shoes, and have them start following this map." It's an expository work of art, people. Why can't Tammy write the clues? And can she be on my Taboo team? She asks for volunteers to make the trip, and suddenly all of their feet become very interesting. A close-up of John's expression is priceless; he's clearly flummoxed trying to figure out what the obvious leader would do: volunteer, remain behind, or do more naked cannonballs? After a few awkward moments, Rob says he'll go, but first he has to remove the 100 marbles from his mouth. Seriously, he's impossible to understand here. I mean, I know he volunteered, but I have no idea what he said. Tammy doesn't seem eager to send Rob, and tries to solicit another volunteer, but they're not having it. So Tammy pats Rob's back, and then the others all shake his hand and act like he's a hero. And sure he's a hero...Italian, with ham and cheese.

We rejoin Maraanu to confirm what we already knew: Kathy will be their representative. She runs circles, packs fanatically, shouts that she'll take some mango with her, and then stalks off. Meanwhile, Rotwo readies Rob. As he walks away from the camp, he explains that he volunteered because he thought there might be a change ahead. He says he's been playing the game by taking chances, and volunteering to be Rotwo's representative is consistent with that attitude. Rob then stops two feet away from the camp and stares at his map, which is a bad sign. He doesn't flip it right side up, however, which is an even worse sign, since it means he's still looking at it upside down.

Now we see quick shots of a hut, two side-by-side cots, a few leis, and two spice jars labeled "herbs provencale" and "oregano." Hey! I saw those at Williams-Sonoma last week! Rob and Kathy approach alongside each other from slightly different angles; they're about ten feet apart, but still ignoring the other's presence. Then Peachy pops up and congratulates them for successfully reading their maps. He welcomes them to an area called a Tohua, which is a public meeting place, and explains that all-important decisions in traditional tribal life occurred there. Yeah. Clearly those decisions included things like whether the ancient tribe's new buff should be fuchsia, or more of a magenta. Peachy announces that Rob and Kathy will now serve as "ambassadors" to a very important event: the merging of the tribes. Rotwo and Maraanu no longer exist, and tonight "a new tribe will be born," making me an even stronger advocate for the right to choose. Peachy says they'll sleep under the stars on the same Paepae where rival chiefs slept five hundred years ago while "making decisions" -- yet another euphemism I hadn't yet heard. Peachy declares that by morning, they will have decided on a new name and painted the tribal flag. He then says they'll need food to think clearly, and the thirty cans of beer he'll introduce shortly will surely contribute to mental clarity. Kathy cackles and fixes her hair and Rob thinks they have a lot to talk about; then, Peachy arrives with a pizza for each of them and says, "Tell me this is not gonna be a fun night!" Rob is boyishly excited over the pizza; he's practically bobbing in his seat; meanwhile, Kathy is just typically loud. Peachy then wants to know "what would pizza be without....beer!" as he dramatically throw back the lid on a cooler to reveal a mass of Coors Light. You'd think they were gold coins -- not silver bullets -- as commotion ensues. Kathy screams and squeals and it sounds like it's been dubbed over. By Robin Williams. On crack. In a confessional, she tells us she was amazed to be sitting across from this "young buck," and she thought to herself, "I'm gonna pound beer and eat pizza with this guy?"

We see clips of eating, drinking, smirking, and the raising of eyebrows. Kathy and Rob both claim to have heard a lot about each other. Kathy then brings up the naming of the new tribe, and Rob suggests "Burmese tribe," which Kathy thinks is hysterical. In a confessional, Rob tells us he was on a "total high": he knew he was taking a chance by volunteering for the challenge, but it paid off in the end. Rob and Kathy giggle drunkenly, and Kathy says she feels bad because her "tribe people" would love pizza. Rob says he feels bad, too, and Kathy says, "You do not," to which Rob responds, "That's too bad for them."

Kathy tells us in a confessional that they immediately started talking about the two tribes. We see Kathy telling Rob that she and Zoe were "like the moms" because they were all about cleaning the place up. Rob says, "You and Zoe feel you're pretty close?" And Kathy says she did feel close to Zoe -- again insisting that they were like moms. Not mothers of rival high-school cheerleaders in Texas, but the good kind of mom. Cookie bakers. Rob thinks it's "unreal!" and Kathy enthusiastically says, "Yeah!" believing that Rob is commending her on the closeness of her relationship to Zoe. She seems genuinely perplexed when Rob alleges that Zoe and John both told him they'd vote Kathy off first. Kathy borrows Neleh's bug eyes in response. In a confessional, Rob reveals that neither of them knows if the other is telling the truth, "just like nobody in this game knows who's telling the truth." Kathy tells us that -- based on conversations with Gina -- she thought Rob was just a "lazy kid," so she's having a hard time knowing what to believe. Rob asks Kathy what Gina said about him, and Kathy responds, "You're a lazy bum and you don't care about anything." If that wasn't direct enough, she adds that Gina also called him "two-faced" and "mean." And also that he's ugly and his mother dresses him funny and that he's too flat for that training bra he's wearing and should just give it up. Oooh, my junior-high experience just seeped in there, didn't it? Rob maintains his surprised act and insists that it's "unreal." He claims that just by talking to Kathy, he might be ensuring his own exit, because if the others find out he revealed their diabolical plan, he'll be the first one voted off. He also points out that, in that scenario, Kathy would be second to go. He then grins and proposes, "You wanna make a pact, me and you?" Kathy says something that I think has been edited because her lips don't match up to her words at all. Rob desperately insists that the others will never know and that it will just be the two of them. In a confessional, Kathy says that she thought the pact was okay, but that it happened so quickly and Rob wanted it so badly that she just agreed. They shake on it, and then go back and forth about being "serious." As opposed to ha-ha funny? Kathy says, "Don't stab me," and Rob answers, "You don't have to ask me twice," which is a random thing to say, because it wasn't a question. Rob explains in a confessional that both John and Kathy think they have alliances with him, and that he's lying now, just like he's been lying throughout the game.

Gong! The sun sets and the camera pans over at least eleven Coors Light empties, but it's difficult to get a clear count and I'm pretty sure there's more than that. Rob scoffs that John thinks he's going to ride the alliance all the way to the end of the game, and Kathy marvels at how conniving he is. Rob asks, "Who is John, some kind of Marquesan God?" and Kathy again laughs hysterically. Although now she has an excuse: she's so shit-faced she thinks dirt is funny. In a confessional, Kathy smugly tells us that she doesn't know Rob's reason for taking her on as his "soulmate or whatever it is." Maybe because she's the only one there? In any case, it happened very quickly, and she doesn't trust it.

Rob and Kathy drunkenly toast each other, and Kathy is excited that they'll sleep under mosquito netting. She adds, "My God, does that mean that we can sleep without pants on?" and Rob's head snaps around. He looks more cornered now than he's looked once during the whole time they've been out there. Kathy tells him not to panic, and we cut to the dropping of her pants (set to the scrolling of a harp) while Rob makes a huge fuss of looking away. Kathy trips while trying to remove them, and we get a cameraful of ass as she bends over. In a voice-over, Rob tells us he saw "another Sarah" in Kathy, and we're supposed to interpret that sexually, but I refuse to go there.

Now Rob and Kathy lie to each other, and Rob starts a pillow fight. He tells us in a confessional that it will be interesting, because if he "actually do[es] stand by [his] word," the game will change. As they doze off, a cockroach runs by Kathy's foot, representing the changing of the game. Or maybe Rob's cockroach-like reliability. Or how dirty the game of Survivor is, like a cockroach. Or how only Kathy, the cockroach, and a box of Twinkies could survive a nuclear holocaust. Or maybe a cockroach just runs by Kathy's foot. Rob asks whether Kathy will remember their agreement when she wakes up, and she insists that she will. Rob says that it can be the two of them in the end, which Kathy thinks will be a "riot." She proposes, "Let's see if we can do it!" and the light blows out. Now there's a euphemism I am familiar with, although it doesn't mean what they want us to think it means here. But it never does, then, does it?

It's now Day 20, and both Kathy and Rob approach Maraanu's camp on foot. Kathy explains in a voice-over that she and Rob promised not to tell the others that they'd discussed tribal issues. Instead, they'll claim the discussion centered entirely on the new tribe's name and flag. And the lack of pants. As they walk into camp, Rob tells her not to panic, but panicking is pretty much all Kathy does. She voice-overs that they had to get everything out of the camp and onto the raft in five minutes, as we see her walk up to Neleh and Paschal and begin shrieking incomprehensibly, instead of explaining the situation in any sort of helpful way. She then takes off running around the camp, yelling, "Everything! Get the kettles! Get the knives!" Rob, meanwhile, is actually exerting himself for once. Then Neleh and Kathy have a little collision, and Neleh shoves Kathy. It's very deliberate. And funny, too. They're now shaking fruit trees while Rob yells, "Grapefruits coming down!" The raft is completely loaded with goods at this point; I have no idea how it will even float. As the clock, which we don't see -- only hear through Kathy's manic screaming -- winds down, Kathy yells, "Now, Paschal!" and then suddenly they're all hugging each other, because they finished in the allotted time. Rob thinks it's nice to meet Paschal and Neleh, and then acts excited that the four of them did it together. He exclaims, "We're a team -- all of us!" and either he's trying to ingratiate himself into their tribe, or he's genuinely excited to have succeeded. Neleh and Paschal still don't understand, even after Kathy breaks it down monosyllabically: merge. They all float alongside the raft toward Rotwo.