Survivor S03E15

Previously on Survivor: Ethan went home with a million dollars, and Kimj went home with her highly overrated self-respect. Lex Loser demonstrated a semblance of self-awareness during the SurvivorReunion with Bryant "See You Season" Gumbel, and Lindsey demonstrated no such thing.

Peachy voice-overs that, tonight, in the "Back from Africa" special, we'll take our "final adventure into the private lives of sixteen survivors." As much as I enjoyed Big Tom's antics, I'd prefer to stay far, far away from his "private" anythings.

The words "One Life-Changing Adventure" flash across the screen at the conclusion of the familiar credits, along with clips of the S16 at their homes, going about their business. Just to be clear: not "doing" their business. Peachy shows up on the Tribal Council set, looking very Euro-chic in head-to-toe black. That's not a compliment. He tells us that, tonight, we'll go beyond the game and "deeper into the lives" of the S16 "from the unexpected, to the revealing, to the families they came home to." The "unexpected," "revealing," and "families" mentions are each punctuated with a brief snippet we'll see again later, so I won't explain them out of context here. Except it bears repeating that Ethan's mother only cringes "a little" when her friends use the words "sexy" and "her son" in the same sentence.

Peachy tells us that the survivors have different ways of keeping their memories of Africa alive. We learn that Lex Loser brought back "a couple of baboon teeth." Except I thought Peachy said baboon teats at first, which would be so nasty. Then Kelly brags about having stolen Clarence's war paints. Our journey tonight, however, will begin with a man who picked "a more unusual way" to remember his tribemates.

Tom "Da Bomb" Buchanan stands amidst a crowd of animals and asks, "And Kim Johnson...where's that old goat at?" It turns out Tom has named his cattle after each of the S16. They're actually wearing name tags. Tom tells us that the animals share some of the same "cowacteristics" with their namesakes. I don't think he intended the pun. Seeing the animals in Africa was one of the greatest experiences of Tom's life. A clip from the hot-air balloon ride plays, and if I wanted to see crappy old clips, I'd just wait for the "special."

Now Tom is at a party. He's walking like an Egyptian on the dance floor while people cheer for him. There's a whole bluegrass band at this party. In a confessional, he tells us that he likes all kinds of music, and that he knows "about one line o' every song." He continues, "Ah like music. Ah like to dance," as we see him cutting a rug with his wife. He grew up with bluegrass, though, and so he loves it the most. Tom's wife Sandy looks like a tiny woman, but then again she's standing to Tom. She tells us that Tom has always gotten along well with the ladies, and that she's never seen a woman Tom couldn't talk to. This is followed by a clip of Tom flirting with the tick in Lindsey's ass, and with Kimp's bikini top. Sandy thinks Tom is witty. I'd definitely use the word "funny" to describe Tom, but "witty" implies some degree of intellect. Ominous music plays as we see a clip of Big Tom during a Tribal Council approaching the voting urn. He tells us in a voice-over that spelling makes him feel uncomfortable. As we see him cast his vote for "C.B." he tells us, "I couldn't spell 'Clarence.' I put 'C.B.'!" He continues, "There I am. Forty-six-year-old. On national TV. Can't spell!" He tells us that decided to start a reading program back in the U.S. called "Reading is the Key to Survival" because of his own difficulties with literacy. Tom hugs a child and gets really excited about a picture the child drew -- he likes its feathers. Sandy says that Tom realized he could do something useful within their community to motivate children to learn to read, and Tom thinks, "If I can help one kid do better than me, I'm glad it embarrassed me." Tom frolics with his goats and encourages them to "come to Daddy!" He probably uses that line on the Kimp goat all the time. As we complete the Big Tom segment (and thus the humorous portion of our show), Tom tells us, "I'm still not the sharpest tool in the shed, but I'm still in the shed!" He says he's happy to be home -- even happier than he was before he left for Africa.

Kim "Fight the" Powers shops in a fruit market in a leather jacket and cute hat while the quirky song of "I'm Feisty Even Though my Life Sucks" plays in the background. Since she's been back from Africa, the job market has been difficult, and she's been forced to take small jobs -- even as a dog walker -- because she needs the cash. This confessional is accompanied by a sped-up clip of Kimp being dragged down the sidewalk by a dog. The dog poops, and Kimp looks sad. Kimp tells us she'd also taken up babysitting, and this, too, comes with a fast-motion clip of Kimp rocking behind a child on one of those springy playground animals. These clips have the effect of making Kimp seem even more pathetic, and then the little girl joins in the cause by yelling at Kimp to get off the playground animal. Kimp shows us a little heart necklace, which was her luxury item in Africa. She's dyed her hair red, and it's not very flattering. And the cut looked better on Alyson Hanigan two seasons ago on Buffy. Kimp says the necklace has special meaning to her because it was a gift from her brother; she wore it to every Tribal Council. We see a picture of a very happy-looking, normal-haired Kimp being hugged by a wistful-looking young man. How do they always find the wistful-looking pictures of dead people? If I were to die suddenly, I'm not sure there exist any pictures of me looking wistful. In any case, Kimp tells us that her brother was killed in 1998 in a tragic accident. Incidentally, there are lots of dead brothers amongst the Survivor cast. Kimp tells us that Lex Loser slightly resembles her brother, and every once in a while in Africa she'd glance at Lex Loser and see her brother instead; she felt like he was there making sure she was okay. Seems like, as a college-degreed professional dog walker, she could use him around now, as well. Kimp says that Survivor wasn't about winning a million dollars or being on television. Rather, she says, the competition was between "me and myself." I bet "I" feels very left out. We see various clips of Kimp being a strong competitor. She tells us Big Tom nicknamed her "Little Bit" because his first thought upon seeing her was, "That little bit of a girl is gonna make it out here in Africa?" She was bothered when people doubted her because of her size, and insists that she gave Survivor her all; she says she could always be counted on and was a strong competitor. Having prevailed over the nasty little girl, Kimp now sits on the springy animal and tries to be taken seriously at the same time. She tells us she's learned a lot about herself, and took a great deal away from the game, but that there were times when she wanted to stop playing and go home. Kimp climbs the Rocky steps in Philly and acts like a champion. Except Rocky Balboa would have never let himself get kicked off a playground animal by a three-year-old.

We're now in Winter Springs, Florida and the whole world smiles with Carl "Fuggotabouthim" Bilancione as he floats in a pool. We see clips of him working on patients; a tacky woman smiles at herself in the mirror. Carl's hair is back to gray this week, and it looks better than the brown it was last week. He tells us he loves dentistry because once he's in the dentist role, he doesn't think about anything else. He does not, however, call dentistry "an art." Besides, I thought for sure what he'd love about dentistry was repeatedly sticking his hands into the grubby mouths of strangers. You've got to wonder about the dentists. Carl drives and tells us that he cruises home each day from work with tunes playing on the radio. Because he's cool. We see the butt-end of the infamous Porsche, and then clips are replayed of Carl telling Samburu about his various automobiles. From the pool, Carl recounts the story; he says he knew that Silas was trying to suggest that he didn't need the money. Back behind the wheel, Carl posits that it's true that "little boys grow up to be men with bigger toys." Another clip shows Carl in Africa claiming that having a Porsche is not a big deal. Then he shouldn't make a big deal out of it, should he? In the pool once again, he tells us that he's worked his entire life to get to his current status. He's not embarrassed because that's "what defines America," and insists, "I feel I epitomize the American dream in my own right." Now Carl sits in his dentist's chair and masturbates while looking at slides of gingivitis. Okay, not so much. But he is in the dentist's chair, and he tells us that he read Walt Disney's autobiography at the age of twelve and learned his life's credo: "If you can dream it, you can do it." He says he dreamed he'd be on Survivor , and that the experience changed him. He doesn't say he dreamed of winning the game, which is an important distinction. Carl's son Brian tells us that Africa changed his father -- he's more willing now to listen to people. Carl tells us, "My wife said she should have sent me twenty years ago. It made me a nicer person." He laughs, even though it's more sad then funny. Carl's wife Deborah -- who looks like the end result of Darva Conger, Laura Dern, Linda Tripp, and a MAC counter girl falling into a blender -- tells us that Carl came back from Africa sweeter and kinder. She brags that he missed her a lot, and that his actions show it. Carl clichs about life being short; he shoots for baskets and pretends they're stars.

When we come back from the commercial, it's Lindsey's "darkest hour." Bring it on!

Peachy struts about the set in his basic black and tells us that "Survivor has a way of making strange bedfellows." The group we'll visit includes "one old-fashioned guy, two strong-willed women, and someone who clearly is a different drummer."